series masterlist
chapter one // chapter two // chapter three // chapter four // chapter five // chapter six // chapter seven // chapter eight // chapter nine
lesson learned (22.5k words)❤️🔥🎆
series masterlistpart one // part two // part three // part four // part five
One-Shots:
Strawberries on a summer day (3.3k words)❤️🔥🎆
Flicker ft. Niall Horan (1.9k words)
Headcanons:
Tom’s nose is cute
Drunken mistakes (roommate!Tom)
Tom going down on you for the first time❤️🔥
Blind date with Tom
Winter date with Tom
First date with Tom🎆
PETER PARKER
One-Shots:
promises and secrets (3.8k words)🎆
I just wanted you to like me (3k words)🎆
You don’t have to be alone (1.4k words)
Headcanons:
first date with best friend Peter
JOOST KLEIN
Series:
am i complex to you (6k words)
part one // part two // part three❤️🔥
caught in the middle (11k words) ft. Ski Aggu x reader ❇️
series masterlist
part one: picnic day // part two: fingers intertwined ❤️🔥// part three: spinning ❤️🔥// part four: casual // part five: guilty as sin? // part six: too much // part seven: when we are together ❤️🔥
One-Shots:
you’re all i think about (1.5k words)🎆
to be desired (1.6k words)
kiss it better (1.1k words)🎆
is this as good as it gets? ft. Ski Aggu (2.3k words)
the button (1.8k words)
cold tea (0.7k words)
the one about his hands and also waking up covered in hickeys (3.1k words)❤️🔥
Liverpool (0.8k words)
fallingforyou (1.4k words)❇️
Headcanons:
Joost with a reader who uses crutches
Having a height difference with Joost
description: you have always considered joost to be your best friend, oblivious to his feelings for you. after three years of quiet yearning, joost finally finds hope after you break up with your boyfriend, letting your true feelings for him come to light.
cw : fluff, friends to lovers, angstyyyy
word count : 2.6k
rpf ahead, do not read if uncomfortable !!!
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2019, at some song festival in Amsterdam; that was the first time you and Joost met.
Joost was sitting somewhere on the festival grounds, chatting with his equally drunk friends over the loud music. His eyes scanned the venue, littered with small lights as he sensed the electric atmosphere of the crowd surrounding him.
Then, his gaze settled on you approaching from afar, Alanis’ hand in yours so as to not get lost amongst all the people around you. Joost smiled as Alanis introduced you to the rest, saying that you were her friend who had just moved to the country.
Everything about you was perfect. Your hair was blowing in the gentle breeze as the colorful lights from the main stage highlighted your face, the shy smile on your lips becoming all the more apparent. You were wearing a short red dress that contrasted beautifully with the black outfits of everyone else and an oversized jacket on top that matched the material of Joost’s own jacket.
You instinctively sat down next to Joost whose friendly smile helped soothe your nerves. You couldn’t quite explain it but he radiated a sense of comfort and warmth that made you want to stick closer to him, despite having just met him. Maybe it was his dazzling smile or the entrancing blue color of his eyes or maybe it was just him in general. The way he softly spoke to you as if he had known you since forever, the awkward giggles that escaped his lips in between telling silly jokes, making you laugh along with him. You liked him.
It didn’t take long for you and Joost to become friends -best friends to be exact- as you quickly found a place in the friend group.
Joost felt so lucky, so blessed that you had stumbled into his life, slowly falling in love with you all the more with each passing day. You felt a certain way about him too, though you dismissed it as nothing. Platonic is what you called it in an attempt to mask your true feelings that you couldn’t act upon. Something else that was holding you back.
That something, Joost found out about shortly after.
You had both attended a friend’s house party, initially as a big group but got separated as the night progressed, in the various rooms of the house.
At some point, Joost was looking for you amidst all the drunk people that reeked of alcohol and cigarettes. He was planning on telling you how he felt for some time now and the handful shots of vodka he had previously taken, gave him the last bit of courage he needed.
A friend of his stopped him midway, making small talk as Joost looked around impatiently in hopes of catching a glimpse of you.
His eyes scanned the place some more before he finally found you but you weren’t looking at him. Instead you were on top of someone else with your lips hungrily pressed against his.
Joost felt heavy and the noise around him seemed to stop.
“Dude, you alright?” his friend asked, partly bringing him back to reality.
“Who is that?” Joost simply said with his eyes still glued on you as he nodded to your direction.
“Who?” his friend yelled looking back to you, “Oh him? That’s Y/n’s boyfriend,” he explained, “They’ve been together for some time, I think. He’s partly the reason she moved here,”
Joost nodded nonchalantly in contrast to the chaos that was his mind at that moment. His friend went on to talk about something else but all he could hear was the sound of the word boyfriend replaying in his head. Boyfriend? He should have expected it. To you, he was nothing more than a best friend.
He spent the next hour, alone on the balcony, smoking every cigarette in his pack, down to the last. lHe was hurt and confused, trying to understand why you hadn’t told him about your boyfriend. To be fair, you had given him a reason to think that there was something more there.
However, all of his bad feelings quickly subsided when you came out to the balcony, also alone, smiling brightly at the sight of him. You sat down next to him in excitement, relatively drunk as you rumbled about the party. Joost didn’t mention anything about what he had seen earlier. He only listened to you with a loving smile like he always did. He would wait for you.
—
Three years have passed since then.
Things slightly changed in your life as you slowly adapted to your new lifestyle in Amsterdam and realized many things. For one, you recognized how different you and your boyfriend, Adam, really were as he began showing his true self.
It was only recently that you broke up with him as your relationship had become a pile of screaming matches and his unreasonable jealous outbursts. You had tried really hard to ignore all the problems, get past them since the beginning but truly, you were growing more impatient with him by the day as his behavior became more toxic and something you couldn’t just push to the side anymore.
The final straw was when Adam asked you -practically demanded- to stop seeing Joost because according to him, men and women can’t be friends. A series of heated arguments followed at the end of which you briefly ended things with him and left his house without a second thought.
He tried to reach out multiple times but you didn’t budge, making your decision clear. In complete honesty, it wasn’t easy at first. Despite everything, you had been with him for quite some time and getting used to being alone was a struggle. But as time passed, only then did you look back on your relationship and realize just how toxic it was.
Ironically enough, Joost was there for you since the beginning. When he was with you, all the stress and loneliness you were feeling disappeared as he always came up with a way to lift your spirits.
You had been best friends for long enough but really, something felt different now. It almost felt like you were getting to know him again, truly appreciating how caring and loving he was. While you were with Adam, you could never get too close or too intimate with Joost. But lately, it seemed like all you needed, wanted was to be with him, just the two of you, enjoying each other’s company.
You had been spending the day at his place and vice versa, doing whatever, be it talking, watching movies or cooking -though you were the one doing the actual cooking while he entertained you.
Today was one of those days again. Joost had invited you over to show you some of the songs on his upcoming album and you had agreed, excited that you would see him again and also get to see his work.
Joost opened the door and entered his apartment, grocery bags still in hand. He had left you alone briefly to get some beers and food since you had spontaneously decided to spend the night at his place.
He placed the beers atop the kitchen counter, while humming one of his songs but paused briefly, confused by the silence of the house. Normally, you would have already come into the kitchen, talking his ear off about whatever topic you were most interested in at that time. You would always apologize afterwards for talking so much but Joost didn’t mind, he liked hearing your voice, seeing you get so passionate about something.
“Y/n?” He yelled out, expecting a response from the living room where he had last left you in but the silence continued.
“Earth to Y/n,” he said in a deeper voice, cupping his hands around his mouth as he walked through the house.
He came into the living room and it didn’t take long to spot you, passed out on the couch. You were sleeping soundly with Joost’s chunky headphones slowly sliding off your head.
Joost smiled softly at the sight, then tip toed over to the couch and sat down next to you, his body sinking into the plush mattress of the sofa. One of his songs was playing from the headphones in a muffled sound which earned a small laugh from him. How could you have possibly fallen asleep during any of his songs?
He removed the headphones carefully, pausing the music on the phone that was also slipping from your hand. His eyes lingered on your face.
Your lips were slightly parted with a hint of lip gloss on them as soft sighs escaped your mouth. Your hair delicately fell on your face that was slowly sinking into the couch pillows on your side.
Joost sighed, a bittersweet feeling coming over him. He loved you so much. From that moment at the festival until now, you were still so beautiful, both in appearance and in character. Back then at that party, he had lost all hope when he saw you kissing Adam. He had never liked him, or the way he treated you. But now that you had finally broken up with him, that hope was rekindled.
He brushed the hair out of your face, resting his hand lightly against your cheek just for a moment longer, caressing it with his thumb.
The sensation caused you to wake up, your eyes opening ever so slightly as you rubbed them with your hands. You purred, instinctively leaning into his touch as you looked up at him, your vision still blurry.
“Hey,” you smiled, recognizing the person in front of you to be Joost. The sun rays coming through the window casted a warm glow on his face and gave his blonde hair a golden hue.
“Good morning,” Joost grinned, then furrowed his brows, “Oh wait, it’s 7 pm,” he teased, you lightly slapped him on his shoulder and scoffed.
“Very funny,” you said in a mocking tone and rolled your eyes.
You stared at each other in silence as a sudden heat spread across your face and you held your breath. His blue eyes screamed of desperation, the need to say something and you sensed a hesitation in him that you had never seen before.
You blinked rapidly and pulled away from his touch. Joost quickly withdrew his hand that was on your cheek, clearing his throat amidst the awkward silence.
“Did you get any beers?” you asked in an attempt to restore the comfort that previously filled the air as you shifted in your seat.
“Uh- yes, yes I did,” Joost breathed, giving you a strained smile, “Got your favorite ones actually,”
A small smile formed on your lips.
“No way,” you exclaimed, “Heineken?”. Joost gave you a soft nod.
“You know me so well, Joost.”
And he did. All those years and he still remembered the smallest of things about you when your ex didn’t even know what your favorite color was. Probably another reason why you broke up with him, you guessed.
“Eh it’s nothing,” Joost said bashfully, looking away from you, God he was so adorable when he got flustered.
“No, really,” A hint of seriousness took over your voice, “You know me better than I even know myself at times,” you said, letting out a small laugh at the cheesiness of your words but what you were saying was true.
Joost’s smile widened, his dimples sticking out all the more.
“And…” your voice trailed off as you tried to process your thoughts, “Thank you for always being there for me. You’ve treated me even better than my goddamn boyfriend,” It felt like you were drunk, the words spilling out of you quickly. You had so many things to say to him, all of which you didn’t even know you had hidden in you. “Ex boyfriend,” you corrected yourself in a firm voice.
Joost felt his pulse quicken, fighting the urge to kiss you right then and there.
“He was an asshole anyways,” he said bluntly causing you to laugh.
“Yeah he was,” you sighed, “Maybe I should have dated you instead!”.
You stayed silent, taking in the gravity of your words. Deep down you weren’t joking when you said that. Truthfully, the thought had crossed your mind before but you always discarded it and felt guilty afterwards.
You noticed Joost being abnormally quiet as well and glanced at him, distinguishing a sadness in his eyes.
“What is it?” You asked, your gaze immediately shifting to worried.
Joost swallowed hard, averting his eyes from you. If only you knew.
“Nothing,” he mumbled, anxiously running his hand through his hair. You narrowed your eyes at him.
“Are you sure?” You shifted closer to him, your voice soft but layered with concern. He only hummed in response, looking down at his tattoos as his fingers grazed his bare arm.
“Hey,” you said, gently wrapping your arm around him, “You can tell me anything, you know?” You sensed just how tense he was and a wave of guilt overcame you. Why wasn’t he telling you? Was he mad at you for something? He did seem a little off ever since you broke up with Adam but you brushed it off, thinking of it as work stress from preparing his album.
“Joost?” you pressed and caressed his hair. That made him turn to look at you as you realized the increased proximity between you and him, feeling his breath hot against your skin.
Then, Joost took one quick glance at your lips and he leaned in.
You didn’t pull back. Something felt right about this, the way his soft lips touched yours with a kind of passion you’d never experienced before. He pulled your face closer and deepened the kiss as you made a soft sound against his lips.
So many thoughts were racing in your mind. That same feeling overtook you, the one from that night when you first met Joost and had been trying to suppress for so long; he was never just your best friend and only now did you have the courage to admit it to yourself.
Once his lips were apart from yours, the only sound that filled the room was the heavy breathing coming from both of you. You looked at him, your arms lightly wrapped around his neck. He smiled sweetly and you did too as you stared in each other’s eyes like two kids in love.
“I’ve wanted to do this for so fucking long,” he muttered, gently running his hands up and down the sides of your stomach, “I love you, Y/n.”
You inhaled deeply, your guilt returning as you thought about how oblivious you had been all this time. How long had he been keeping this to himself?
“I’m sorry,” you breathed. Joost raised an eyebrow, laughing softly.
“You’re saying sorry after I said I love you? Damn.” He said, sounding slightly offended.
“No!” You chuckled. “I’m sorry because I acted like a fool. I shied away from my feelings and I didn’t realize sooner that you felt this way about me and I should have realized sooner and-”
“Alright, alright,” Joost cut you off in his usual reassuring tone. You exhaled a long sigh as he placed both hands on your shoulders to comfort you. “Calm down, lieverd” he smiled. Even now, he was still so willing to make you feel better when he should be upset with you or at the very least, pretend to be it.
“I guess what I’m trying to say is that I love you too.” You said, watching as a proud smile grew on Joost’s lips.
“Took you long enough,” he teased.
“Hey!” You slapped him on his arm, he mouthed sorry repeatedly before pulling you in for another kiss. This time, it felt sweeter, more controlled as you both now shared the feeling of contentment in your heart.
You broke the kiss and drew back from him shortly.
“So when are we drinking the beers?” you asked jokingly, your hands tracing to his belt.
Joost smiled, grabbing your waist to bring you closer to him.
IMPORTANT!!! You have to read PART 1 before this or it won't make sense! ⋆｡𖦹°⭒˚｡⋆
Summary: You and Joost were never lovers, never friends but something in the middle that ended up hurting more, you meet again years later and many things have changed but others stay the same.
Word count: 14,4k
CW: 18+, f! reader, past friends with benefits, mutual pining, jealousy, yearning so much yearning, angst with a happy ending? who knows…you will have to read I guess (๑>•̀๑)⋆˙⟡
You had said yes to dinner, that was unexpected. Some part of him thought you would hang up or curse him out and then hung up but you didn’t and somehow that scared him worse. It meant that you were truly unbothered by this, that he was just an old fling who had no further impact on your life and that you were totally calm about this unlike him, who hadn’t been able to stop thinking about you for a single minute since the call. That was not the reality at all but he couldn’t know that. You had kept your old number, that was the first surprise actually, he had heard from an acquittance from those days that you were back who had heard it from a friend of a friend and he wasn’t sure if it was true but he wanted it to be. He had called to the number he weirdly remembered by heart and had waited with sweaty hands while it rang, when he heard your voice he felt a strange sense of warm envelop him for the first time in years.
Joost was eager to see you and felt a nervous at the same time. He knew things ended up badly between the two of you, but the truth is that there really wasn’t any clear line of what you were, so how could there ever be a good ending?. Regardless, now you were back and he felt he could finally face you, if anything he just wanted to know you were doing alright and maybe you had even found someone you loved in the time you were apart, then maybe he could put all his pent up feelings to rest and move on, emphasis on the maybe.
He had gotten a table at a much nicer restaurant than he thinks the two of you ever went to, in truth those days the best he would do was get take out to your tiny apartment before or right after you had sex. He wonders if he ever properly took you out on a date and the answer is no, he didn’t. He had been immature and self centered without even realizing and you were far too good for him, he didn’t understand why you even wasted your time on him when so clearly many other better candidates were holding out a candle for you and yet you chose him, always.
He arrived earlier than the meeting time, he was bad at timing in those days and he still was, but wanted, no, needed, to make a good impression so he made the effort and waited on held breath until he saw your familiar figure entering the restaurant. You hadn’t changed much and at the same time you were totally unrecognizable, more regal, elegant and beautiful than he remembered. It seemed like you had grown into every one of your features even more dazzling than before and carried yourself with so much grace it felt like you were floating.
He was taller, maybe it was just you memory playing tricks on you, he had kept the mustache but everything else was different. His hair was longer, cut into a mullet, you remember how he had mentioned wanting one as a child, it is the same color as when you met him, which means he kept dyeing it or had dyed it recently, he was wearing chunky glasses, when you met him he would refuse to and would just walk around half blind, he was dressed differently and he was more handsome than you wanted to admit. It would be a lie to say you didn’t keep an eye on him through the years, secretly proud of his successes and uncharacteristically anxious about his failures. But he had thrown you out and there was no reason to let him know that, answering his call like a good loyal dog was humiliating enough.
“Hi.” He gets up to greet you and speaks all cheerfully, way too excited to contain it, part of him thought you would stand him up which wouldn’t be fully underserved but he is ecstatic that you are actually here.
“Hey.” You reply with a small smile escaping your lips.
He opens his arms, wants to hug you so bad, he has missed you so terribly but you just extend you hand for him to shake. His face drops a little but he composes himself quickly and shakes your hand back with a faked smiled pulled taut on his lips so you won’t see how disappointed he is, your skin is so soft and warm his memories didn’t do you justice.
“You look really beautiful.” He says, it stumbles out of his mouth, he doesn’t know if it is not the right thing to say but he means it, truthfully with the years passing his memory of you had gotten fuzzy and seeing the real you in the flesh in front of him is a lot to take in.
You smile back at him, there is the smallest blush on your cheeks, almost undetectable, back when you first met he would enjoy making you blush over everything and anything it was so easy and he loved pulling your hands away from you face when you tried to hide it.
“You look good yourself Joost.” His hand tightens a little on yours, hearing you say his name sends a wave of nostalgia over him that threatens to knock him over, maybe he wasn’t strong enough to face you but you are here all the same.
He helps you sit, pulls your chair and calls for the waiter. You order and the waiter disappears again after bringing you your drinks, you talk a bit about everything, what you have been up to, what he has been up to, you mention the place you had moved to, how your career had grown, the job you have now, he talks about the places he has been to, the cool artists he has met and the Eurovision thing, he skims right through it even though you know from the whole press and the sad expression on his face that it was a fresh wound. You feel a little sad that he will not talk about it with you, but even in the days when you shared a bed he was so cagey you couldn’t expect him to open up now out of all times, so you just let him change the subject without a fight.
The dinner feels awkward, not entirely bad but not entirely good either, you had known each other for little under a year so you tried to make the same questions you would for an old acquaintance but it didn’t help that he had gotten more handsome and mature and kept distracting you with his shiny smile. You eat in silence for a bit unsure of what to say, you weren’t old friends but you weren’t exactly strangers either. It was far too weird to try to keep this fake diplomacy with someone who had seen you naked so many times but it was even weirded to try to pull conversation out of him when every word and every question felt like you were walking on shaky ground.
“You-your new album was good.” You say after a while starting to feel the tension is too heavy, your words tumble and crash on each other, you speak too fast, your hands are sweaty and maybe you will faint, but at this point it would be better, a nice dramatic exit to the night and then tomorrow you would change your phone number and never hear from him again.
“You listened to it?” He looks at you genuinely surprised like he didn’t expect it all all, he looks so eager to know what you thought, in the old days music talk was the only time you felt he was really honest with you and this feels so familiar a wave of nostalgia softens you.
“Yeah, I did tell you I liked your music that one time.” You smile at him before looking away avoiding his bright eyes. “And I didn’t say that just to get you in bed mind you.” He laughs.
He had always liked that about you, you had a quick mind and would be able to talk about anything and make it funny, he was happy to hear your stories. Now years later and much learning in between he had finally realized what he had truly lost and it hurt like a thorn deep in his heart. He would dream about you, not often truly, but it happened a few times through the years in a way that made him think about you when it was the last thing he wanted to do. In dreams he would see you impossibly bright, laughing at something stupid he said and by god did he say a lot of stupid things on those days, or in the shower talking about something one of your friends had done, while he just wordlessly admired the soft curves of your figure covered in drops of water, he would see you in bed sleeping with drool coming out of the corner of your mouth that he would wipe before you raised because you would get shy and flustered if you realized on your own when you woke up. He feels his heart swell in a way that it it hasn’t in years, you are sitting across from him looking so pretty under the candlelights, he remembers you younger, sitting on the tiny table at the kitchen of your apartment, stealing food from his plate and laughing at the TV, he wishes he could have kept that forever, the place that felt like home.
“Are you seeing someone?” He asks all of a sudden, he knows he shouldn’t, he is pushing his luck too far and yet can’t stop himself.
“You don’t get to ask that.” You shake your head.
“We are catching up, right? It is a normal catching up question.” He says with an awkward laugh more trying to justify himself than anything.
You don’t know what to answer, you had obviously had other relationships in the mean time it was not like you were eternally holding hope that one day he would remember the old toy he left hanging somewhere and come back and pick you up, but now of all times you were single. Lying didn’t feel right and telling the truth didn’t either. Maybe somewhere in the middle will do.
“I have been on a few dates.” You say careful with every world, if you had been looking at him instead of avoiding his gaze perhaps you could have seen the way his shoulders dropped but you missed it.
“I see.” He replies drily, regrets the question instantly perhaps he would be better off not knowing.
“What about you?”
“No.”
You crook an eyebrow at him. “Really now Mr. International Superstar?”
He looks up at you, finds you wearing an amused face, perhaps being friends is still okay, no matter how much his heart aches for you he doesn’t want to fully lose you from his life ever again.
“I’m not the type.” He replies shaking his head lightly, you roll your eyes at him.
“Okay.” You say tone full of sarcasm perhaps it comes out more bitter than you mean it to be, even in the past you had not been together and now you have even less of a reason to give him attitude.
“I’m serious.” He says a little indignant. “I mean obviously I’ve been with people but I just-” He stops himself halfway through, you look at him even more curious now.
“You just what?” You ask.
“Nothing.” He goes back to dig on his plate.
I just cannot meet someone like you. Is what he leaves unsaid, you shrug and continue eating in awkward silence. He remembers all the things he left unsaid before, how he wanted to but didn’t think you would want to hear it, how he was so unsure of himself he didn’t want to fuck up, too scared of rejection he didn’t even dare try and how because of all that, he lost you and he refuses to let that happen again so he gathers as much courage as he can and says.
“Actually, I just haven’t met someone like you.”
You choke a little on your food, you can never recall a time where he would ever be so honest and can’t figure out why he would be now, you look at him with wide eyes. Your brain works hard to make sense of what he is saying. You didn’t understand why he wanted you back then and now that he has even more options it makes even less sense, you feel stupid and small again, it makes you angry. You laugh bitterly.
“I’m serious.”
You try to hold back your anger and take a deep breath before replying. “I don’t know I- I wouldn’t know Joost, I don’t really think we ever got to know each other.” You shrug slightly and smile sadly at him.
That hurts him more deeply than you can imagine and the fact that you are right is worse.
“I always regretted how things happened between us.” He says, sounds truthful enough but you can’t help yourself or the bitter feelings that fill your heart now.
He sounds so far off from the guy you had met, it feels like he might be an entirely different person playing a prank on you, but when you look back at him you see those same baby blue eyes that would find you in the night it sends a pang of pain to your heart.
“It is whatever.” You say, drinking from your glass trying to keep it together. You feel like an idiot right now, you shouldn’t have come, it was a bad idea.
You feel like yourself of four years ago again, and she sucked. She was not very smart and she was so stupidly in love with this guy, she had made you answer his call eager to see him again and now it was you who had to take charge of her bad decisions.
“I really am sorry.” He moves to grab your hand. You feel the back of your eyes prickling uncomfortably, maybe you weren’t so over him as you liked to pretend.
“Okay.” You say, not knowing what else to say as you pull your hand away, his touch feels like it burns. He looks truly regretful, you shouldn’t have blown off the handle like that and you know better than it, but the younger you is so eager to see him again she seems to keep popping out and makes you act unlike yourself.
You finish your meals, still talk about mundane stuff, how moving was a nightmare, he tells you he has moved a bunch, he is an expert and he should write a book about it, he is ridiculous in an endearing way, that hasn’t changed at all. You wish somewhere in your heart that he will meet someone who makes him happy, who can match his wit, who will laugh at his jokes and make sure he eats at least one proper meal a day because you suspect somehow that he still not very good at taking care of himself. You wish well for him because somewhere inside your heart he still has a place and you still feel so much tenderness for him it chokes you up a little bit.
The waiter takes the plates away, Joost pays for your meals and opens the door for you, had he ever been that gentlemanly? No, not really. Again this new version of him seems to be making you dizzy.
“Can I walk you home?” He asks as you exit the restaurant.
“Sure, yeah I would like that thanks.” You accept because if this is the last time you will see him you want to extend it a little more, be a little selfish for your younger self she deserves to stare at him for a little longer so she can finish memorizing all pretty landmarks of his pretty face.
You walk together slowly like you are both trying to prolong the inevitable goodbye as much as you can. He points you to new places that have opened and also the once that closed since you were gone, he recommends some so you can go later, secretly wishes he could be the one to take you there. He misses all the mundane with you, after you he never really got to experience that with anyone else and felt like he didn’t even want to, too scared to muddy his memories with you. The further away from home he got the more he wanted to come back and the more that feeling grew the more he realized he would never again meet someone like you.
In those days you had thought he was a little out of your league, he had though you were a little out of his. You never seemed to quiet connect perfectly like pieces of a puzzle being forced to fit together by greedy hands, now, with more life experience under your belt you wonder if that is even a real possibility and maybe you were just being unrealistic in your expectations. Now, you are looking at him with new eyes and he seems to be a really good guy, not prince charming, not straight out a romance movie but just him, just Joost and that is somehow better than any stupid fantasy.
He keeps stealing little glances at you like he is trying to commit you to memory, like any moment now you will disappear into a cloud. And maybe he isn’t so wrong you have already done that before and you distantly think if things would have been any different if instead of running away you would have faced him head on, even if it didn’t fix anything it probably would have given you better closure than what you have right now.
He feels this weird soft sadness envelop him the longer he looks at you, your hair is different, there are almost unnoticeable scars on your hands maybe from cooking you were always a little reckless with the knives, your face has grown even more beautiful and he can’t help but feel so lonely when he realizes he missed all of that, that he could have seen you grow and change right in front of him like a little plant on the windowsill and he missed it for his own lack of courage. He sees tiny goosebumps form on your arms, remembers how you were always bad at taking a jacket with you when you went out and that one at least seems to not have changed which makes him smile, you are not a total stranger after all.
He chucks off his blazer and rests it on your shoulders without a word, you feel his scent envelop you so suddenly that you feel you might truly pass out now.
This image of you on one of his hoodies sitting on bed while he plays you one of his new songs pops up in his mind so clearly he feels he has turned back time and he truly wishes he could.
“I wish we had met at a different time.” He says not looking at you, he fears if he sees the rejection on your face it will be too much.
“Yeah? I don’t think you should think like that.” You say kicking a little rock down the street to distract yourself from how overflowed with emotions this whole thing makes you feel.
“How come?” He stops on his tracks to look at you.
“Well, nothing would change, we just wouldn’t work.” You shrug like you are just stating facts it angers him a little truly.
“Well I'm different now, you are too.” He says plainly.
“You can’t know that from a dinner.” You laugh genuinely for the first time in the night, he hasn’t heard that sound in so long he wants to record it keep it in his heart forever even if you don’t want to talk to him ever again he wants to at least keep that.
“But I can, you are more mature and smarter and more beautiful too.”
You properly snort at that last one even thought he is being honest. You shake your head and turn around to look at him.
“The bleach melted your brain.” You scrunch your nose and raise a hand up to shake the soft strands of hair between your fingers, like you are really friends, like all of this is normal.
Should he try that? If you reject him could he offer being your friend, he really does like you not just having sex with you, like you think, and he thinks you are wicked funny and far too kind, probably kinder than he deserved, specially at that time and if he has a little crush on you it would be okay as long as he kept it to himself, he could also have you in his life. Who knows maybe down the line you could be proper normal friends and perhaps that is what the universe had always envisioned for both of you but you had gone and messed with it by adding love to the mix.
You find yourself deep into the streets of the city you once loved so much, next to a man you also loved too much for your own good but then all too late you realize you accidentally walked back to your old place, the one where you had been together countless times, you break out into laughter your body doubling over.
“What?” He asks amused looking at you, you can’t reply, this is all so stupid, it can’t be happening. “What? Tell me.” He says rubbing soft circles between your shoulder blades over his blazer to calm you down.
You look up at him your eyes full of happy tears or perhaps sad, you can’t know. You feel so overwhelmed by everything, you have been so good at holding it in and now you just explode. You are laughing and crying at the same time, you feel like four years of forgotten feelings just bubbled to the surface and you can barely bring yourself to care.
“I don’t live here anymore.” You manage to blurt out, you are wiping away at your tears while still giggling in between so amused by the entire situation it is like it isn’t even happening to you, like this must be a dark comedy movie or something “God this is so ridiculous, this is so stupid!” You say throwing your arms up in the air and shaking your head.
He thinks you are so beautiful in your wild laughter but he starts getting worried when he sees the tears don’t stop.
“Hey, it is okay, we will get a cab.” He says taking a step towards you but you take a step back like you are afraid of his touch.
“No, no.” You shake again, not really knowing what you are saying anymore.
“Hey are you okay?” He is worried now, truly scared, he goes to put a hand on your shoulder then feels you shake with a heavy sob.
“No, I am really not.” You say it in between a bitter laugh as you cover your face with your hands. “I just really wish I had never met you.” You blurt it out before you can stop it and it cuts deep right into his heart, you can see through eyes blurry with tears how Joost’s face drops and goes pale instantly, he lets go of you.
“I’ll get you a cab.” He says, his voice sounds distant, so unfamiliar now.
The fact that he looks so sad angers you even more, he has no right to be the one hurt when he is the one who threw you away.
“Don’t you wish the same too?” You say in a harsh tone, just wanting him to confirm all your fears, that he was glad he got away from you, that his life was so much better now and he never missed you, never thought of you.
You were looking for a fight, for him to be cruel like he once had been, even though you knew it was not on his nature and he never meant it like that. He takes a deep breath and looks at you like you are asking something so stupid it isn’t even worth answering, he looks like he is about to cry too.
“No, never. I wouldn’t give up meeting you for anything.”
You feel your throat burn with a sob. You stand together in the dark streets silently waiting for the cab, it arrives he helps you in without saying a word and then you are gone.
He watches the car drive off holding back tears when he sees you disappear around the corner, it hits him, you are gone, you are truly gone and he couldn’t fix anything, he couldn’t solve anything, like every time before he messed it up, he wasn’t enough and now there is no second chance, he already spent all his second chances years before and this was his last one and even when such a long time has passed he didn’t figure it out, didn’t figure you out for as much as he wanted to pretend like he knew you maybe he didn’t at all.
Joost goes back home alone, showers alone and then falls into bed trying to get some sleep alone, like always. Nothing has changed because nothing could change and maybe he was the only one who hadn’t moved on, the only one who had not grown because you at least were smart enough and strong enough to cut the cord. But he was still pathetically holding onto the memories, onto every word and every touch and every night you spent together without admitting to himself it was all just that, memories and perhaps it should stay in the past, perhaps it is supposed to just be looked back on fondly instead of like him clinging like a scared child to something he doesn’t want to lose.
The days go by in a blur, he doesn’t really want to get up from bed and he doesn’t really have a reason to, he just stays inside mindlessly watching TV and scrolling his phone, he thinks about calling you, apologizing again but he remembers your words so vividly ringing inside his head, the way your tears shone so brightly in the night, how you regretted him and he can’t bring himself to be an inconvenience in your life again, he knows somewhere in his heart that he has taken enough. Even when he realizes you accidentally left with his blazer on, he doesn’t call, he is too scared again to act so he just sits still and watches as life once again passes him by. He thinks he will get new cards and a new ID which is a pain and he should just text you at least but then if you sent his stuff back without even meeting him, then you would have truly no reason to talk again and even if it is selfish it is a line he is not willing to cut yet, he is not strong enough for that one yet.
By the fifth day Joost runs out of all the food at home and most importantly of all the beer, the only thing that is helping him sleep. So he decides to venture out, not that he particularly wants to, but he figures some day sooner rather than later he would have to pick up the pieces and start the arduous process of moving on from you, a process he has already delayed by a few years. He leaves home right at lunch time with some spare cash he had around and goes for the supermarket to pick only the essentials, he sees all sorts of people there, old couples and young parents with their kids and it makes him feel all the lonelier, he wishes you were with him, not that the two of you ever did that sort of domestic thing together but he wishes you would have, he thinks it would have been fun, even though in truth anything that involved you would be fun.
As he is making his way back to his place, bags in hand, his eyes linger on one of the restaurants he had recommended to you and all of a sudden there you are like a mirage, under the umbrella of one of the tiny outside tables surrounded by pink flowers with the sun generously illuminating your sweet face making you look ethereal. You take his breath away, you always do, his feet move before he can think it through he just can’t stand living like this, knowing you are out there and he can’t share in your days, bask in your laughter, drink from your beauty, it will drive him mad. As he crosses the street he can feel the vomit of words brewing at the back of his throat and all of his sentences start with “I’m sorry, please, please give me another chance, please let me prove I can be good for you.” He is not above begging he realizes.
But before he can talk, before he can even pretend for any longer that his fantasies where you forgive him and take him back will become real, a man approaches you from the other side of the table and as soon as you feel his presence you stand up with a bright smile on your lips, the kind he wishes he could pull out of you, you go to hug the stranger pressing yourself tightly to him. Joost imagines you smell heavenly, you must feel soft, your hair is shiny and you look so pretty and his heart breaks all over again. He is angry, he is angry at this man for daring smile at you, for daring touch you, he is angry at you for using his restaurant recommendations for another guy who isn’t him, but most of all he is angry at himself, he can’t forgive himself for losing you.
He stays in place watching from where he can’t be seen, just twisting the knife deeper on himself. You are smiling and chatting happily, the way he wished you would have talked to him, and yet it is another man who has your tender eyes glued on him, it is another man who is taking you out for lunch, and it is another man who is making you laugh, not him, never him again, no matter how much he wants it. When you reach to grab your partner’s hands he has to look away, he feels tears start falling from his eyes, he tries to furiously wipe them away but they keep coming, he is drowning in love and lost and the only one who could save him told him she didn’t want anything to do with him. He finally gathers enough strength to walk away, and go back to his empty house to wallow in self pity, all alone again.
If he had ever paid any attention and ever had put in more care in getting to know you then he would have recognized that other man not as a stranger but as one of your closest friends and he would have realized that you were not in any sort of romantic date but just a real catch up with a friend, the kind you could never have with him because you weren’t really friends. So instead of knowing any of that he continues for more days forming more and more imaginary scenarios inside his head of you with some other guy, you going on dates and holidays together, you going to restaurants and looking pretty under the candlelight, you moving in together and then getting married and then growing old all of which he can’t be part of and it tears his heart to pieces. So he tries to drink himself to sleep trying to catch some dreamless rest that evades him. But even then he is unsuccessful because you appear on every corner of his mind, haunting his every thought and even when he is unconscious you show up laughing in his face, so cute and so out of reach. He remembers you, now more than ever, with a fresh image of what you look like, his memories become clearer, he remembers your face when you slept, every single detail and the expressions you made, he remembers the way you had looked like back when you told him you loved him and how he didn’t say anything back, Why didn’t he say anything back? Was the fear of things being real greater than his love for you? No, of course it wasn’t but at the time he was too stupid to understand that, so now four years later like an idiot he keeps wishing he could turn back time and knowing he can’t.
That night after you had left Joost you had continued to silently cry on the ride home until at some point without even noticing you stopped, but the ache in your heart didn’t go anywhere it only became more prominent and uncomfortable with each passing day. Younger you had felt devastated she had hoped new you would be mature and smart enough to solve it, solve whatever it was you and Joost had going on. But even age and maturity couldn’t help you when you didn’t even know what you had with him to begin with. And truly this had all been a big mistake you shouldn’t have gone seen him, no matter how much your heart ached for it. You had taken a long shower and gotten in bed in complete silence, too exhausted for anything else and fallen asleep with a dull ache pounding in your heart.
The morning after you had woken up late and with a splitting headache, everything had felt so surreal but when you saw his blazer on your chair you realized it actually did happen. You cursed yourself mentally for not giving it back, for taking it home and now you would have to see him again, but you could also take the easier way out and just have it delivered and avoid the whole interaction. Yet you don’t, he had been honest with you that night, much more than in the almost whole year that you had known him before and now you felt guilty about how bad you had ended the night. You tell yourself it is best to cut things off cleanly this time, so there won’t be an infected wound like last time. So you end up looking inside his wallet for his ID and search his address up, you also find an old note you wrote him once half jokingly “VALID: For one kiss!” it reads, you had given it to him, written on the back of a grocery list, after you accidentally sat on one of his pairs of glasses and crushed them, he had just laughed it off even when you offered to pay but he had kept the piece of paper for some reason, it pains you and makes you want to cry all over again.
You don’t show up to his house immediately, you can’t. It was one thing to know what you should do as a responsible adult and a completely different thing to actually have the strength to do it. You have to wait some days to gather strength, you keep trying to distract yourself with work and some old friends but it is useless because every time you see his blazer on your chair you think of him and how you wish that instead of coming back to an empty house you were coming back to him sitting on that same chair, smoking cigarettes like he once did in your small apartment.
However, you decide that prolonging the inevitable is only doing you more harm than good so a little over a week after the dinner you show up to his address late in the after noon, right before evening, you had to hype yourself up the whole day to go there and have this conversation, that was assuming he was there. Just your luck when you ring he answers. He opens the door slowly and almost doesn’t belive it is you.
“Hi.” you say shyly.
He looks rough, he is pale, his hair is messy and his eyes look slightly red like he hasn’t slept, there are also deep dark circles right under his pretty blues that now seem dimmed.
“Hey.” His voice is shaky and nervous, he holds onto the handle of the door like if he lets go he will crumble right in front of you.
“Um, I forgot to give it back sorry.” You say raising the blazer in your hand.
“Oh, it is okay.” He is dumbfounded, after that night he truly didn't expect to see you ever again and here you are. He is looking intently at your face like soon you will disappear, like this is just another one of his dreams he has been having all week where he sees you vanish right in front of him, but you don’t.
“Can we talk?” You ask with worry in your face, he hates that, hates that every time he is involved you seem to be so on edge.
“Sure, sure. Come in.” He moves from the door and lets you in, closes the door after you.
“Can I get you something to drink?” He brushes his hair out of his face, is thankful that he even managed to shower and change his clothes, at least today after a week of self pity.
“Just water thanks.” You say, he walks you to the living room, tells you to sit that he will be back in a second.
You do so, still holding onto the blazer tightly like a lifeline, you look around his place, it is much bigger than what he had in those days, a little less messy but still very much a bachelor house, it makes you a little happy even though you have no right to feel so, he is not yours and he never was, you have to keep reminding yourself. You are only here for closure, only that.
“Here.” He says sitting on the armchair next to the couch like he wants to give you space and not suffocate you.
“Thanks.” You mumble taking a sip. You let a long minute go by before you open your mouth.
“I’m sorry about taking your jacket, and your wallet, I promise I didn’t rack up thousands of euros on credit card debt.” You say with the smallest hint of a smile.
That gets a laugh out of him, it is the first time in days he feels anything that isn’t dread and of course the only responsible could be you.
He smiles softly but there is a hint of sadness under it. The air feels heavy with tension and you just want to lighten it up, he looks so sad you want to ask what is wrong but the question dies in your throat not knowing how much you are allowed to overstep. You don’t know what to say but you wish you could sooth him of whatever his worries are, if you were his girlfriend you could comfort him about whatever is bothering him, even if you were only his friends you could offer a helping hand, a kind shoulder to lean on, but since you are nothing you just keep your hands to yourself.
“That is fine. I wouldn’t mind.” He says, it is a little stupid but he truly wouldn’t, if this was one of those problems you could just throw money at to solve he wouldn’t mind spending millions to get another chance with you.
“Ah! I forgot you had superstar money, then maybe I should have bought myself a car.” You smile mischievously at him.
He rolls his eyes at you, he knows you wouldn’t but he finds you amusing nonetheless. “You could do whatever you wanted.”
For some reason it feels like he is not just talking about spending his money and you feel a little shy all of a sudden. You want to fill in the silence before it drowns you.
“I’m actually sorry for the inconvenience. Did you not need your cards?” You ask, leaving the blazer to the side.
“No.” He pauses for a moment, thinks his next words carefully. “I just haven’t been going out, I was busy.” Busy thinking about you, busy dreaming about you, busy pining after you, all so I could see you laughing at other asshole’s shitty jokes that aren’t mine. He doesn’t say that, he knows better than to say it but the uneasiness with which you look at him makes him all the more resentful about what he saw that day.
“I see.” You say, sensing a shift in tone. You fiddle with your fingers as you look around, there are a couple of pictures of him with friends it makes you smile, knowing he has people looking after him, people you recognize, at least some things remain unchanged, at least he is not alone.
You are distracted seemingly by the walls or not wanting to meet his eyes, whichever it is doesn’t matter because you look so pretty in this light, in any light and you are biting your lip like you always did when you were nervous, it is so reminiscent of old days it envelops him in nostalgia, but you look so different now and at the same time you look like you could belong here, like you could really be his as he is already yours. Like you could wake up in his bed, your bed, and have breakfast together and then say good bye to come back home to dinner with you and shower together and fall asleep in each other’s arms and then wake up and do it all over again, because you can.
And he distantly wishes he was a different man, the kind that could actually have those things with, the kind you could actually introduce to your friends and the kind you would be so happy to see like the guy at the cafe. He furrows his eyebrows, he doesn't want to think about that but the doubt itches in his mouth and he sort of wants you to confirm all his worst fears, that yes that other guy is the love of your life, that you couldn’t be happier, that he is so much better than Joost, that Joost has always been way beneath you and that you will soon get married and have the life you have always wanted, the kind of life he could never give you. He wants to be put out of his misery and stop holding any hope that you will want him ever again so he doesn’t stop himself before speaking and breaking the uncomfortable silence no matter how much it makes him feel like he is walking to his own execution.
“I saw you at the new restaurant the one near the supermarket the other day” He takes a small pause until he sees you make eye contact then continues. “With your boyfriend.” The word comes out bitterly from his mouth making him uncomfortable with every syllable.
You look at him a little puzzled, have to make an effort to remember what he is talking about, then when you come up with the answer you break in laughter throwing your head back at his misunderstanding.
He is even more confused, he is hurt now, it is one thing for you to have a boyfriend and it is another to rub it in his face and laugh at him for still being so stupidly in love with you, he feels so dumb and inadequate but then you finally stop giggling and look at him from under long eyelashes with a warm smile while shaking your head and he forgets why he was even angry in the first place.
“That is my friend, we were classmates in university.” You explain still between fits of laughter.
“Oh,” Is all that he manages out.
“Oh?” You repeat raising your eyebrows and looking at him amused, you scoot closer in the couch to get a better look at his face, he is blushing so prettily.
“Were you jealous Joost?” You crook your head to the side playfully, still so amused at how mortified he looks, he doesn't even want to meet your eyes.
“Tell me~” You say in a sing song voice as you go even closer to him.
He wants to melt into the floor and avoid this, he feels so childish in his fit of jealousy now and all the sleepless night he spent having nightmare about your wedding day to some guy that isn’t even your boyfriend. He finally takes a deep breath, still feels his skin burning hot with embarrassment but he makes the effort to look at you.
“Yes I was.” He admits, he doesn’t know why exactly he is so eager to admit it, it is not like he has the right to be jealous, but you had said “Tell me.” and how could he ever deny you anything? He covers his face with a hand faking a cough so you won’t see how deeply red he has turned, but you do notice and you are still smiling at him. He likes this, he likes you, he likes having you close like this, even when you are laughing at him, he could be your jester he thinks distantly, he would be okay living like that as long as he could stay by your side.
You pull back further away and relax into the couch, he wishes you would have stayed closer, he swears he could smell your perfume or maybe it was just wishful thinking. You both just sit in silence for a while not saying anything but finally the silence doesn’t feel daunting it just feels good, like there is finally some peace. You wish you could stay like this longer but any more indulging in these scenarios of the past and what ifs and you won’t want to leave his side, so you take a deep breath before trying to say anything. You turn your face to look at him and find him already watching you, it make you blush lightly but you still speak up.
“Joost I’m really sorry about that night, I shouldn’t have said that.” You don’t turn your eyes away even when you want to, so overwhelmed by how penetrating his eyes feel on your face, you hold his gaze so he will know you are being sincere.
“Oh, that is okay.” He says, his tone is nervous now, you can tell he is forcing a smile but you shake your head.
“It was mean and unnecessary I shouldn’t have, I’m really sorry.”
He shrugs slightly, he wishes you weren’t having this conversation now, he wanted to keep playing pretend in his head of what it would be like to have you here in his living room day after day always and forever without even talking because silence is just comfortable between you two.
“If you meant it, it is all good. You were just honest.” He swallows deeply trying to sooth his nerves.
Why was he so kind of all a sudden? Who was this man? The more time you spend with him the less you felt you knew him, it frustrated you somehow.
“I was just cruel but I didn’t think it would hurt you.” You say a little defeated.
“Why would you think that?” He asks genuinely, there is no hint of anger or sadness in his tone, just genuine curiosity like he genuinely doesn’t know.
You look up at him and shrug slightly. “I didn’t think you cared about me enough for it to hurt.”
That is his fault fully and he just has to live with it but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.
He gets up, moves to sit next to you on the couch, whatever happens is okay but you have to know how he really felt, you have to know how much he really cared for you no matter how unable he had been to show you, you at least deserved it now.
“Can I be honest?” You look at him and nod, don’t trust yourself to speak right now, feel like tears might start streaming form your eyes any second.
“I really did like you, back then.” He stops for a second, wants to grab your hand but knows better.
“I actually loved you.” He says in a painful sigh. Your heart squeezes painfully.
“When you said it, I didn’t know what to do, I was stupid and didn’t say anything, I thought you would be there as long as it took me to say it back.” He shakes his head, feels so disappointed in his younger self.
“Obviously not, I was idiotic and selfish and you deserved better than that.” He smiles bitterly knowing nothing that had happened could be changed.
You have to swallow hard to get yourself to speak. “Why did you call me?” You ask shaky voice, eyes shining with tears threatening to spill over.
“I really missed you.” He shrugs a little and smiles sadly. “I wasn’t lying there really is no one else like you.”
Your hands are trembling on your lap, you feel stuck, you can’t move, can’t speak and can barely breath you are dissolving into his living room couch, he recognizes the signs all too well from experience and grabs at your hand, holds tight while searching for your eyes.
“I’m here.” He says, his voice feels like it is coming from underwater.
“Look at me.” You force yourself to do so, you realize at some point you had started crying, he pulls your hand softly to his chest and splays your fingers on it.
“Breath with me okay?” You nod and follow as he does.
He takes deep breathes, keeps the air inside and then exhales slowly, you focus on the feeling, try to follow the best you can, you focus on his eyes he is looking deeply at you, blue was always your favorite color or it became after him, you are not too sure.
After what feels like hours of slow breathing you finally feel your heart beating a little slower. All of a sudden you feel so tired, you still feel like you are slowly coming down to earth. You let your head fall on his chest, hear his heart calm and slow, he feels like a rock you can cling to when you feel like drowning. In some more minutes you get your heart to match his.
“I really did love you Joost.” You whisper against him, now his heart picks up, you can feel it in the palm of your hand, like it is your own and in a way it always did belong to you even if you didn’t know.
“I still love you.” He says.
You raise your head from his chest, look into his eyes.
“Can we try again?”
You don’t answer, you can't, you don’t know what to say truly so you just kiss him. It feels new and familiar at the same time, but undeniably him.
He feels his heart stop, has thought about this scenario so many times through the years of your absence, has dreamed about it and found solace on imagining it when he felt his loneliest but the reality is all the sweeter. You are really here in front of him kissing him deeply holding at his shoulders like he will slip away but he now knows there is no better place on this earth than in your warm embrace. He reacts belatedly, he wraps his arms around your middle holding you closer, chest against chest you can feel each other so real that it is scary and exciting all at the same time.
Four years of pent up feelings wash over you, you can’t get enough you chase after his lips drink from his touch. It feels so familiar and delicious like getting home after a long vacation but also so different like you are new lovers just learning each others’ bodies for the first time. You make a move to sit on his lap but stop unsure if you should but he is so sweet and he helps you brings you closer kisses at you neck, takes a deep whiff of your scent. Your perfume is not the same you used to use but underneath it is the aroma of your skin, undeniably you and it spurs him on.
You are making out on the couch like teenagers, almost like all the times you did in your tiny apartment but this time is his place and everything that surrounds you feels so much like him in a way that makes you lightheaded, back when you first met you had only been to his place a couple of times and it seemed like you weren’t allowed to look but now you are drinking in every detail with curious eyes as he kisses on your throat. Hands are grabbing all over each other, neither of you can get enough, he feels sturdier, his arms seem bigger, the little tickling of the mustache is the same, he feels so warm you want to melt into him forever. You pull back from the heated kisses and make move to pull your shirt off but he stops you putting his hands over yours at the hem of the garment.
“Wha-” You look so confused and almost frustrated with him, if he tells you to leave you don’t think you could live down that humiliation.
But he is looking at you with so much lust, love and nostalgia all mixed into his deep blue eyes.
“I want to- bed” His words are jumping all over the place, he is trying so hard, has waited so long for this, truly didn’t think it would happen again but now he has you and he wants to take his time. “Can I take you to bed?” He ask it sounds weird, barely makes sense and yet you understand him perfectly.
“Please do.” You say kissing him again and smiling against his lips.
He lifts you up easily and quickly, he grabs at your thighs from below the curve of your ass, wants to feel you up higher but is still anxious that he will scare you off, that all of this will become too real for you and you will scurry away like running water between his fingers. But you just hold him tighter as he walks to bed, his eyes stay on yours almost entranced on your face. When you finally make it to his bedroom he lets you down softly on the bed, he is so grateful for once he remembered to make it in the morning and just his luck today he also changed the sheets.
You are a divine sight he drinks you in, lips kissed red and face so deep with lust laying on his bed staring up at him waiting, a sight he thought he would never get to see again, he wants to burn this moment in his memory forever, he just blinks slowly at you and looks.
“Joost, come here.” You finally say when you see him just staring at you like he is in a daze.
He crawls on bed on top of you, slowly, still so unsure. Maybe he has craved you so much he has been hallucinating this whole thing but you grab at his arms and pull him closer to start planting little kisses on his jaw, his breath picks up, he closes his eyes to focus on the feeling of your soft lips, you grab at his face with your hands pull him closer to your lips, you kiss him deeply, he opens his mouth for you you push your tongue in slowly feeling him, just tasting him. He still smokes you can tell, if you work your brain extra hard you could guess it is still Camels. You smile to yourself, you can remember so many little things about him like he had never truly left your heart at all.
He sucks on your tongue, he wants to eat you whole, you taste delicious, you feel delicious at some point his hands make their way to your waist and now he has you against his chest again rubbing softly at the inch of skin that your shirt ridding up allows him. He feels so hot you feel so hot, your skin is so tender and soft it is better than he remembers, he wonders if you still use the same lotion you did back then. He grabs at the hem of your shirt looks up at you for confirmation and you nod. He lifts it up drinking in every inch of skin that his eye can reach, there you are, it is still you.
There are tan lines on you, he wonders where you went on vacation, he spent his last one in France, he went to a nice place by the beach, the kind that you would like, he wonders if you would let him take you there, just the two of you, already dreams of what you would look like wet from the ocean and glistening with the sun.
“Your mind is elsewhere, should we reschedule?” You say teasing him with a smirk.
And that hasn’t changed either. “If we stop I might die.” He pulls his shirt up, is already feeling so hot he might get heatstroke just from looking at you.
“Hey! Don’t do that. I want to undress you too.” You complain soft scowl and cute little pout on your lips, he wonders if you ever realize just how charming you are to him.
“I’ve missed you.” He says in a whisper against your lips as he cages you between his arms again.
“Well you have me.”
You grab at his neck pulling him down on top of you, your legs are tangled with his, his breath is deep, he is holding his weight on his forearms, doesn’t want to crush you but you want to feel him all over you, you want to take everything he has to give you. He kisses along your jaw softly reaches at your neck and starts planting a delicious trail of open mouthed kisses down your throat, bites softly at your collar bones, you pull away laughing at it but he holds you closer to him. He places kisses all over the skin on your shoulder then down to your chest and buries his head in the valley of your breasts, you giggle, he always had his fixations and this one hasn’t changed at all. His hands are playing with the band of your bra shyly swiping his fingers underneath as he continues to kiss you.
He looks up at you resting his cheek on one of your breasts. “Can I?” He has the worst case of puppy eyes ever, it reminds you why it was so hard to say no to him.
“I’m yours.” You smile softly at him pulling your fingers between strands of his soft hair.
He looks so baffled. So overwhelmed with emotion he becomes that he quickly raises from where he is and crashes into your mouth pushing you into bed almost too hard.
“Lifde.” He whimpers against your lips before kissing you deeply, like he is trying to convey years of unsaid things in just one kiss.
His hands roam softly on your back, you feel so warm. Finally he reaches for the clasp of your bra and unhooks it without separating from your mouth for a second like if he did he would drown. The garment falls down your arms, he admires your soft forms mouth agape and eyes shiny. He reaches a hand to massage at your breast, he is hypnotized by the way the fat gives under his finger tips, by the heat of your skin, the way your nipples pebble immediately at the first touch like your body recognizes him and comes back to life.
“You are so beautiful.” His voice is deep and heavy with lust, your legs wrap around his hips and pull him closer just to share in his heat.
He continues playing softly with your mounds, goes to kiss at the thin skin, wraps his lips around your nipples and sucks softly until he has you whining and pushing your chest against his face, his big hands holding at your middle pulling you against him just holding you impossibly closer to him like he wants to dissolve inside your ribcage listening to the beat of your heart forever. You feel him so hard under you, his length pressing right against your own core through the layers of fabric, your hips start grinding against his without even meaning to, moving on its own like your body recognizes his and has missed him so much, moving solely on instinct you don't even have to think.
Your cunt is throbbing with desire, you feel yourself so wet, the fabric of your panties sticking uncomfortably to you. It feels so hot and you just want tot touch him directly.
“Joost.” You mewl under him trying to get his attention but he continues licking incessantly at your nipples pinching and pulling lightly with his hands to the sensitive skin.
Your hands are at his shoulder grabbing tightly but when you see he is not even listening you move them downwards one hand going between the two of you to palm him through his jeans. He moans around your nipple at the contact and then sucks harder trying to get as much of your flesh in his mouth as he can. You continue to stroke him lightly then stronger, faster, you feel him moaning and bucking his hips into your touch, chasing after the friction when you tighten your grip he all of a sudden stops his bucking hips and pulls away from you, leaving your nipples covered in his spit, swollen and shiny on the light of his room.
“If you keep going I’m gonna cum in my pants.” He says truthfully looking up at you with big eyes. You laugh, he is so blunt and honest, it is still hard to get used to it but it is so terribly endearing.
“Not like it would be the first time.” You say grinning wildly.
“Liefde.” He whines scrunching his eyebrows and letting a soft blush adorn the high of his cheekbones. “That was one time and I was drunk.” He is turning an ever deeper shade of pink right in front of your eyes, you distantly wonder if anyone else is able to make him melt like this, if anyone is able to tease all these reactions out of him and you remember his words “There really is no one else like you.” and you smile to yourself contently.
“Take them off.” You say going for the zipper of his pants and dragging down, he lets you, he feels like he can barley breath seeing you almost naked on his bed and undressing him is a dream he thought would never come true again.
He helps you pull the pants down and kicks them off bed along side his boxers that are sporting a big wet spot right at the tip of his erection. Then he goes to grab at the waist of your jeans and undoes the button before pulling down softly watching your beautiful legs emerge from the fabric. His hands go to your legs slowly inching upwards, massaging the soft muscle, feeling the smooth skin. You lay back down and just stare at him, he has some new tattoos, he has gained some wight, his chest hair is still there but is darker now same as the happy trail and all the beauty marks you remember and the ones you don’t as well. He has changed and he is still in there somewhere, recognizable but different and even better because this time it is real and not just pretend.
He bends down to place kisses at your thighs almost reverent like you are a divinity that has wondered into his house. He keeps moving higher up until he is right at your core, he kisses over the fabric of your underwear then looks up at you, you nod approvingly before he moves to part your legs. He grabs at the back of your thighs and quickly pulls you closer to him. Gets in the middle and starts planting kisses all over your legs and between them, the skin is so soft there he tries to rub his face against it as covertly as he can and fails miserably because you are looking directly at him seeing how eager and needy he is just makes you hotter.
He kisses over the lace of your underwear, his lips are plump and soft, you hated to admit it but nobody gave head like him. He truly enjoyed it, the closeness, the wet feel on his mouth the scent of your core deep in his nose in an addicting way. He kisses and licks through the fabric and your hips are pushing against his face, he goes to hold you down, he wants to take his time remembering every place, every tender touch that had you melting into his mouth. His eyes are closed and eyebrow scrunched in complete concentration. He is licking through the fabric applying sweet pressure on your clit but holding you tightly by the hips so you will let him set the pace. Little curses escape your lips as you whine into the air for him.
“More Joost more.” You plead looking down at him with big wet eyes. He opens his eyes slowly, can barely make contact from his position but he wants to look at you all the same, wants to give you everything and anything you ask for.
He moves the fabric to the side and takes a deep lick into your core that has you twitching on his mouth, he spreads your folds open with his fingers and sucks your clit between his lips as you moan uncontrollably. When you both would do this in your apartment he would have to cover your mouth with one hand as he worked the other deep inside you because you were so deliciously loud all the way through, but you got complaints form the neighbors on more than one occasion that had you furiously blushing red even if to him it just filled him with pride that he could make you scream his name so loud; however now at his place you can be as loud as you want, as vocal as you can, he eats your sounds up and it pushes him forward, makes him suck at your clit harder feeling it twitch between his lips, makes him lick deeper like his jaw is not going to ache but for your pleasure any discomfort is worth it. He pushes his ring finger inside of the tender muscle of your core and feels you clamp down on him immediately, so needy and so sensitive already. He thinks it is a pity you mustn’t have had anyone to do this for you all these years when it should have been him always ready and mouth eager to please you.
He pushes another finger into you, your hips rock hard against his hand like you are trying to get him deeper. You taste delicious, it is better than his fantasies, it is all you. His finger pump deep into you as he keeps trying to reach that spot that used to have you melting and when he finally finds it you all but scream and curse, there are tears falling from your eyes but it is all from pleasure and you look so beautiful, his eyes are glued on your face he wants to make sure he is making you feel good, making it worth your time now that you have give him this chance. He sneaks a hand upwards softly caressing your belly up to your chest and grabbing at one of your breasts and softly massaging feeling the pebbled nipple between his finger still wet form his spit and so hard begging for attention, he pinches at the sensitive skin and feels your cunt react immediately gushing on his fingers. His mouth is still connected to your sensitive bundle of nerves but you feel him moaning wildly, see how he is humping against the mattress, there is a wet spot of his pre-cum on the bedding that he doesn’t seem to care about, all but hypnotized with your pretty face and lascivious sounds.
You take his hand, the one that is kneading at your chest, and pull it towards your mouth, you grab at his fingers and put them in your mouth letting the soft wet muscle of your tongue slide between them before you close your lips and suck greedily around them, it goes straight to his dick, he has to make a superhuman effort to not finish right then and there, he moans so deeply right against your clit you can feel your orgasm threatening to wash over you any second but you don’t want it like this, you want to feel him, now that you finally have him you want it all.
You pull his fingers out of your mouth wet and shiny with spit and pull yourself slightly from his embrace before speaking in labored tone.
“Joost come here, kiss me.”
He slowly pulls away from you with a slightly confused expression, he pulls his finger out of you softly but you still wince when you feel how empty you are without them. He crawls over you, wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and asks.
“Was it bad?” He looks genuine and a little disappointed.
You laugh, that he could ever think that when you are all but melting on his palms and you were one shy lick away from coming in his mouth.
“You are the best but I want to cum with you.” You explain.
You cup his face on your hands and pull him into a deep kiss tasting yourself on his tongue it so erotic and nostalgic it makes you feel like you are in that tiny apartment so many years ago. You pull away slightly and sit up on bed, and pull your underwear down your legs.
His dick hangs heavy between his thighs, the tips is red and glistening with pre-cum you bite your lip in anticipation. Even if you liked to pretend like you didn’t, you had seen him just like this naked and ready for you on your dreams many times over the years but now you finally had him in front of you and you were so hungry for it. You take him in your palm stroke softly at the velvety skin, feel him twitch under your touch, you bend down a little and look at him through half lidded eyes.
“Can I?” You ask already licking your lips in anticipation, you have missed him so much he was always so vocal you want to hear his pretty sounds again, feel his warmth on your tongue and the way he fills your mouth.
He looks at you with eyes full of adoration and caresses at your cheek with tattooed knuckles.
“I would love nothing more liefde, but if you do that I won’t last at all.” He says smiling brightly. His younger self would have probably bragged about his endurance then avoided even looking at you to not cum too fast but the man in front of you right now is so honest, he is naked but more than anything you feel he has stripped his soul bare, all for you.
“Okay, yeah.” You nod stupidly, you don’t know what to say, he keeps dolling out loving words onto you and it is frying your brain slowly. You push your hair behind your ear to distract your hands. “How do you- how do you want me?” You ask timidly feeling shy all of a sudden like it is your first time and the way he is being so gentle and loving it might as well be.
“Can you lay back down for me?” He asks, you nod and slowly, lay on bed again waiting for him. You don’t know what to do with your hands, you just rest them on your chest and feel how rapidly your heart is beating, you start getting shy all of a sudden. He looks so beautiful so grown, his arms are bigger, his face is more handsome, he feels like a stranger and you start getting timid that perhaps you don’t know him at all. He sees the hesitation in your eyes and asks softly as he caresses at your cheek.
“Are you with me?”
“Yeah, yeah.” You nod affirmatively and smile fondly. “I just- I can’t belive it is you.”
He knows what you mean, he feels it himself. It is all so new but so old and rehearsed at the same time, he knows you, he knows it is you, and yet he also feels in awe of the person you have become while he was gone from your life.
He nods overwhelmed with emotion to speak. You see how his eyes get shiny, you reach for his arms and feel the warm muscle beneath your palms as you pull him closer. You kiss at his cheek, at the corner of his lips, at the stray tear that escapes him.
“You okay? We can stop if you want to.” You whisper softly massaging at the muscle of his shoulders.
He shakes his head, sniffles softly and kisses you. “I am better than ever before” He says finally smiling ear to ear.
“Okay.” You say smiling and laying back down.
You spread your legs for him, he comes closer in the space between your thighs, you can feel the heat emanating from his body just a breath away. He grabs at your thighs and wraps your legs around his waist, now you are flush, your sexes barely touching it feels like kissing. His hand moves from the muscle of your thigh slowly up your belly resting on your navel, he is just feeling you, trying to memorize the feel of your body under him all over again. He looks at you and you nod at him, sometimes there is no need for words.
He grabs his length in one hand and pumps himself a couple times before he lines himself up with you entrance. He pushes in you slowly, his bulbous tip catches on the wet warm muscle of your hole that all but flutters around him. Inch by inch he melts in your heat, his eyes stay on yours all the way to the point you have to look away to stay sane but he pulls you back with one gentle hand on your chin so he can see you, he has missed you so much, it has been so long, he has not stopped thinking about you for a single moment and he refuses to lose another minute. When he finally bottoms out he takes a deep breath and rest his forehead against yours, his skin is shinny with sweat and you must feel yours is too but you are too concentrated on the way his lips are but an inch from yours, how his breath is so warm and you are breathing it in, he becomes the air that you breath.
Joost finally starts to move after a long minute of just feeling himself inside you, how your warm walls cling to him and pulse all around his length, he pulls away softly but not fully, his tip stays inside your heat before he pushes back in in swift motion. He had never been a selfish lover but now he seemed absolutely laser focused on your pleasure only, thrusting deeply inside you in fast hard motion then pulling out painfully slow, you keep gushing around him feeling yourself become closer to the edge by the second. He keeps his eyes trained on yours all the way. He caresses at the skin of you cheek and you chase his touch completely shameless pushing your head against his hand to feel more of him. You are moaning into each other’s mouths, drinking in each other’s sounds.
He feels he won’t last long, he sits up slightly leaving you so lonely without his lips but you forgive him when his hand goes to the middle of your legs and he spreads your lips apart to press constant circles on your hard clit sending waves of pleasure up your spine.
“You feel amazing schat.” He says when you clench on him at the added stimulation.
“I thought about you all the time.” He whimpers with a deep thrust.
“I can't believe I get to do this with you again I didn’t think it would happen.” He confesses as he pulls out, he can’t seem to stop his mouth.
“I’m never letting you go.” He thrust deeply into you again, your clit twitching under his thumb you feel your orgasm quickly building again all around him, walls pulsing wildly as he moves inside you.
His words have you dizzy, his dick inside you feels divine pushing and pulling at your sensitive walls and his relentless deft fingers on your clit are threatening to send you over the edge any second, you think he must feel it the way you are throbbing on his length and gushing all over his cock.
“I’m close Joost, don’t stop.” You whimper.
He keeps the same rhythm that is quickly bringing you to your peak. You look so beautiful, your skin is covered in sweat, you hair is wild and tussled on his pillows, on his bed, your body splayed so beautifully on his mattress, he feels like you belong here, he wants you to belong here with him forever. He can’t stop the words from spilling from his mouth.
“I love you.”
You cum, you gush all over him, clenching impossibly tighter on him, so much it makes his own hips stutter. Wild tears fall from your eyes as your hips move on their own trying to ride the rest of your high on him, you are breathing heavily you can only hear the pump of your blood on your own ears, you feels like you are falling back to earth rapidly.
He still feels the beautiful spams of your release on his length as he watches stupefied how you cum and stays still while you ride your high on his dick just letting you enjoy your pleasure and catch you breath. Then he bends down to be closer to you, to kiss at your pretty lips.
“Just a little more schat.” He promises against your ear, you nod dumbly unable to speak at all, you feel like he is taking you through a perpetual never ending orgasm that washes all over your body.
His movements get more uncoordinated but he is still chasing his high as he holds you in tender hands, he keeps whispering soft words at you and little i-love-yous accompanying every move, you don’t really reply, you can’t, so you just kiss him back softly. He lets you, now it is you who needs time and if anything the years have made him more patient, not perfect but just better and you are worth all the wait it takes.
He is hypnotized by the sight, by the way your bodies melt into each other the way your core keeps dripping sweet honey all over him, he knows you were made for each other, he wants you to know it too. He lets go of your thighs and goes to grab at your neck lifting your head softly from where it rests on the pillows.
“Look” He says, his voice sounds like he is right inside your head.
He angles your head so you see where you are connected, you see his length disappear inside you and then see him again as he pulls out over and over again like waves crashing on the beach.
“Hold your legs for me.” You can’t reply, you become hypnotized by the sight as well, you wrap your hands around your knees and do as he says, he could probably talk you into anything right now.
He leans over almost folding you in half, your muscles will be sore tomorrow but right now the stretch is so delicious you feel like you are alive for the first time in a long while all your nerves standing on fire.
“Look, we were made for each other.” He says all gone, completely lost in pleasure and the way you all but melt around him he might be right.
You look up at him and he does the same, your eyes lock as his hips thrust deeply into you one last time as he comes deep into your walls painting everything with his thick release, he moans your name loudly, his hips stutter into yours, all uncoordinated with the last of his release, you hold onto him like he is a life vest, he almost closes his eyes from pleasure but makes the effort to keep them trained on your face all through it.
“I love you.” He whimpers with a last thrust and you pull his face to yours to kiss him.
He collapses onto you, his weight feels delicious if only a little suffocating, but you caress at the tired muscles of his arms, at his back, at his shoulders and neck as you slowly bring him down to earth to you again. You feel his heart beating rapidly inside his ribcage and his breaths are shallow as he tries to compose himself. You hold him through all of it and play with the hair at the nape of his neck that you have missed so much. You feel him soften inside you but you wish you could stay like this forever, eternally connected.
Finally he gathers what little strength he has left and rolls over onto his back next to you in bed. He is still breathing heavy but he looks over at you so enamored, he brushes the hair away from your face to look at your properly as if he is doing it for the first time and you give him a smile in return. All blissed out and fucked out you truly are an angel come to life on his bed and he can’t fully belive it yet.
After a long moment just breathing slowly and looking at you he swallows deeply and pulls himself together for what he now knows he has to do. He rolls on his side so he can look at you better and you can feel he has something to say so you follow and do the same watching him expectantly. He clears his throat before speaking.
“I really meant it, can we try again?” He asks looking deeply into your eyes.
“I don't know.” You say honestly, seeing him was great, it would be a lie to say there weren’t butterflies in your stomach but you didn’t know what to do with that.
“We can start from scratch.” He offers, you laugh at that.
“Yeah how? We already know each other.” You say, he shakes his head.
“We have changed a lot.” He is right, he has become so mature you barley recognize him at all and you are also not the same it would be unfair to say so.
“So what do we do?” You ask truthfully looking at him expectant.
The Joost you had met would have probably shrugged and changed the topic but the one right now in front of you smiles back, pretty dimples adorning his face and says.
“I am Joost Klein, born and raised in Friesland, I am 26, I am a dancer, video editor, rapper and international super start amongst others, nice to meet you.”
He extends his hand at you waiting for you to shake it.
You think about it for a second, seeing his pretty eyes looking at you all sparkly and sweet, it takes you right back to the first time you met but now you are both so different it truly feels like it happened a life time ago. There is no point in thinking about it anymore, those people no longer exist, whatever they did is not part of today anymore and more importantly they were a little bit stupid.
So you extend your hand to shake his, the skin feels warm and still so soft. You like him, you think you do, maybe it is nostalgia, maybe in a few weeks, maybe in a few months you will realize this is not what you want and maybe that is okay, but right here right now he is looking at you full of hope and you want to share some of it, so you pull yourself closer let him wrap his arms around you and kiss him deeply. Tonight the sky is full of stars and you feel the nice warmth of his body lull you to sleep. You can dream in his embrace of a good future were you actually figure it out together and who knows maybe this time you can because this time he loves you and he actually says it.
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───
MASTERLIST *ੈ✩‧₊˚
A/N: Thank you so much for reading this ended up being very long! Let me know your thoughts/comments pls and sorry for any mistakes my brain is fried lol! -`♡´-
Summary: You and Joost were never lovers, never friends but something in the middle that ended up hurting more, you meet again years later and many things have changed but others stay the same.
Word count: 4.9k
CW: 18+, f! reader, friends with benefits, mentions of past sex, jealousy, angst, rekindling (?)
The fall had been hard and fast as much as you didn’t want it to. Joost was cute and funny, killer combo and you had great chemistry in bed, cherry on top. The problem was that he had just gotten out of a committed relationship and was not looking for that again, good, cool, totally fine, neither were you. That is what your twenties are for just, casual sex and silly mistakes and he was perfect for that, until it wasn’t so perfect. Because again, he was very cute and very funny and you could lie to yourself about your feelings only for so long before they became unbearable like an invisible hand slowly choking you.
You and Joost had met one of those days where he had been jumping around from bar to bar getting wasted seeing where he would end the night to avoid ending at his own place all alone again. He had told you you caught his eyes because you had such a pretty face, but in truth he just liked your laughter, you had been with a group of friends and the sweet sound of it kept calling to him like a siren song. He had finally built courage to approach you. You were very beautiful but more than that you were fun, he liked that, he felt like he could talk to you for hours without it getting tiring but also he was very curious to know what you looked like underneath all your pretty clothes so after seeing the way you kept blushing when his eyes lingered on you he bluntly asked.
“Your place or mine?” He said it with way more confidence than he felt, in those days it was what he did, just fake it until you make it, and somehow it worked, sometimes at least. You had faintly seen trough it but he was so handsome and had an aura about him that pulled people in so you decided to ignore the warning signs.
“Mine” You replied with a grin.
Whether it was a good or bad decision you had no idea but you were unwilling to let such an opportunity with such a man pass you by. He had eaten your pussy like a starved man kissing through the lace of your panties, licking and sucking at your folds, you had never come that hard before, never had met someone who did it like it was pleasurable for them too and not just a curtesy at most. When you saw him disappear between your legs at first you had almost stopped him too shy to have him that close to you but he spoke before you could even gather your words.
“I’m thicker than most so you need this.” He smiled a little self satisfied then looked at your wet heat and added. “But really you have such a pretty pussy it would be a waste not to.” He licked his lips in anticipation and then made you see stars.
You thought he was bluffing at first but he was honest and he had you melting in his embrace with a few thrust and his deft fingers on your clit. That night he made you cum over and over until you couldn’t take his touch.
“I can’t anymore I surrender.” You said in fake dramatics putting your hand over your hard beating heart, he had laughed, a beautiful sound in the middle of the night, he had the prettiest smile you think you had ever seen, with deep dimples that adorned his cheeks.
“Do you mind if I smoke?” He asked, getting up from bed, you shook your head.
“Just open the window or my landlord will kill me.”
“Well we wouldn’t want the girl with the prettiest pussy ever dying.” He had said cigarette hanging from his lips as he cracked the window open.
“You are kind of a pervert.” You said shaking your head embarrassed and hiding behind the covers as you felt yourself blushing at his bluntness, he looked back at you and smiled as he took his first drag.
“If it is only kind of then it is fine.” He blew the smoke outside the room slowly.
The image of him sitting on your chair, naked, smoking out of the window of your tiny apartment would become ingrained in your mind for years to come haunting you when you least expected it.
In the morning he had woken up and left before you but he had written his number in a piece of paper in the back of one of your shopping lists. Sure, he had probably been the best sex you had ever had, perhaps a little too rough at times but you weren’t entirely sure if getting involved with him further was a good idea, he very clearly had his own thing going on and while you weren’t entirely looking for a relationship you also weren’t entirely not looking for it so you were scared you would end up just being a disturbance in the middle of his easy going life. So you just threw the paper away, promising yourself to just let this be a night of fun and nothing more. But that was not what destiny had in plans for you at all.
One night after some exams were done your friend group decided to party, someone had gotten tickets for a live show and that is how most of you ended up in some dark venue downing the cheapest drinks you could get. Just your luck, he was the performer. As soon as you recognized him up on stage you felt the room start to move underneath your feet, you felt dizzy like you would float away and yet you couldn’t move at all as if glued to the floor by his magnetism. It was the first of many times you would see him preform but it was your favorite and the one you kept closest to your heart. He was fun and charismatic, had people chanting his music back to him and dancing happily, his stage presence shone brightly but it also felt authentic. Time later you would realize when he was on stage he was most honest and truly himself and when he was with you, well you didn’t really know what to belive.
You stood there in the middle of moving bodies with booming bass pounding in your ears, completely enamored by his presence, and you knew you weren’t the only one. Out of the corner of your eyes you would see all the pretty girls close to the stage raising their hands to touch him, to get his attention. Star power underneath the surface waiting to come out, he was standing at the edge of greatness and didn’t even realize it. Knowing you had actually had him in your bed not so long ago filled you with a weird sense of pride, but seeing their sparkling eyes beaming up at him also gave you a weird sense of jealousy that you knew you had no right to. At some point during his set you felt you had caught his eye and he seemed to smile when he recognized you but quickly looked away so you must have imagined it. Yet when it all ended and people were quickly dispersing after he disappeared back stage you saw security guard signaling to you with his hand when you looked at him he said.
”You can come backstage.”
Your friend elbowed you with a giggle. “I didn’t know you were a groupie.”
“Neither did I.” You shrugged quickly and waved goodbye to your group to follow the man to the back of the venue.
You moved through long corridors until you reached a small room filled with people drinking and talking that didn't even look up at you. He appeared right in front of you, still shirtless and sweaty with messy hair sticking to his forehead.
“Hi!” He said still a little breathless before pulling you in.
You looked around, everyone was busy on their own conversations, he had offered you a beer and you took it.
“Brining girls backstage after your show is kinda trashy.” You said with a small smile, he took a sip of his own drink and shrugged lightly.
“Well I only bring the prettiest ones so it isn’t as bad, no?”
That one had hurt uncomfortably, you didn’t know exactly why so you just took a sip of the beer avoiding his eyes. He noticed your silence and tried to get your attention back, he had been eagerly waiting for your call and when you didn’t he felt stupid for not asking for your number instead.
“You didn’t call me.” He said matter of factly staring you down, you were hoping he wouldn’t bring it up, not really sure what your excuse should be for that, he continued. “You just used me for my body and threw me out!” He added faking an insulted tone covering at his chest with his hands, you rolled your eyes at him and laughed.
“You got me” You said all sarcastic.
He giggled then bent down a little to speak directly in your ear. “Then use me again. Or was I that bad?”
You had snorted shaking your head, you blushed deeply, red blooming over your face quickly. He liked making you laugh, pulling that sweet sound off your lips and making you blush too, you would become so impossibly beautiful when a pretty red blush adorned your face, those became his favorite pastimes in the months he would be with you.
You had taken him back to your place that night and many after. It started a routine of seeing each other multiple times per week and then almost every day for months. He liked how you became bolder every time you did it, glowed more beautiful in the night with the light of the lampshade and became more outspoken about your desires, shy at first but then couldn’t get enough of him, it made him feel desired and important in ways that he hadn't in a long time. It made him feel wanted like never before, it made his heart ache hoping for more but too scared to ask for it. And he got better too, was eager to listen to your little whimpers and sounds and the things you liked that made you wetter and hungrier.
He genuinely liked you, having sex was great but he enjoyed listening to you talk about your day, things so mundane he wouldn’t even know about but when coming form your lips seemed so interesting. He enjoyed showering together, in the smallest shower he had ever seen, while you giggled and pushed him away when he tried to grab you just to end up making out naked in the couch because otherwise your water bill would be too high. He like learning what foods you liked and which you didn’t, trial and error with each take out he brought when he visited, seeing the way your eyes lit up when he made a good choice and how you had the tiniest of pouts when he made the wrong one but still always so grateful, it made his heart skip a beat every time he could learn a new expression of yours. He just really enjoyed your company and your time, sometimes he would bring food but your would be too busy for anything else so you would just share a meal while you did your university work and he played on his phone or watched TV, those days ended up becoming his favorites even though he never told you, because when you were done you would always just ask him to stay the night saying it was too late for him to leave and he would, he wanted you to ask him to stay forever.
He liked sleeping in your embrace and waking up before you did to look at your calm beauty, but he also often left before you woke up suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling that this was no longer just a fling and he didn’t know what his next step was.
He would sometimes stumble into your apartment after a show, a little tipsy and all red to the tip of his ears, smelling of smoke but with a pretty smile adorning his face, a face you could never say no to. You didn’t like it at first, the smell of cigarettes would linger on your bed sheets but habit is a nasty monster and then it wouldn’t be so annoying, it would just remind you of him in a nice way even when he was gone by the morning. It also made you feel stupidly important, even though you knew he had no problem finding someone else to entertain his nights, he always seemed to be looking for you no matter how late or inconvenient making his way to your place was. And things were mostly fun, he would talk about music a lot, draw sitting in the little table at your kitchen and just enjoy spending his entire free days curled in your old couch even thought you distantly felt he could probably be doing something more exciting but you never asked because you didn’t want to ruin your own good luck.
Those honeymoon days kept pilling one onto the other until his presence became a sweet habit and his absence hurt like hell. He was nice and probably a lot better than some relationships you had had but not everything was perfect, not even close. He seemed to have this mask he would wear for the world, only really honest with his closest ones and you were clearly were not one of them, so you felt like you were staring from outside a window into him and taking whatever crumble of his love he felt comfortable giving you, it made you feel pathetic and so abandoned even when you shared a bed.
You stupidly yearned for more, but knew you wouldn’t get it so you just put on a brave front and kept opening your heart to him hoping soon he would do the same for you. You could tell faintly from the first time you met him he was putting on a persona, that the real man behind that wasn’t willing to come out and meet you and that was okay you kept telling yourself, he was hot and you wanted a warm body at night, that was all. But as the months pilled on, it became lonely, to have virtually a stranger sleeping next to you, someone who would make you cum over and over on his fingers, his mouth, his dick but refused to speak beyond the superficial and was way too good at changing topics when you tried to get closer as if he was slamming a door against your face but with a warm smile plastered on his lips.
And in truth you were nothing, not real friends and not real lovers. He never once called you his girlfriend in almost a year you had been seeing each other and you never introduced him to your friends. You would meet on nights where it was cold and just play pretend of a life you couldn’t have. Sometimes he would have you backstage with his group and others it would be different girls and you never wanted to learn if he was also sleeping with them or they were just friends, you had no right to know and truly the less you knew the better. He didn’t sleep with them, not really since he met you, it just wasn’t as exciting as watching you remove your makeup while you rambled about annoying projects and evil classmates. Even if he had told you, you wouldn’t have believed him, so he never did.
The real day things ended between you two happened a couple months before you actually stopped seeing each other. It was a long weekend, he arrived on Thursday night and stayed until Sunday in that little cramped university apartment you rented and that he came to love as if it was part of you. He brought some take out and beer as always and you were just so happy to see him. You spent the whole weekend having sex and eating whatever junk you could get your hands on at some point you stopped bothering putting on clothes that he would just take off. You would eat, fuck, bathe then sleep, wake up and do it all over again so much so the days started melting into each other in a delicious bliss that would last too little.
Sunday night you were melting into each other’s touch for whatever time it was since he came. He had looked in your nightstand for the bunch of condoms he brought only to realize too late it was all gone.
“Fuck.” he whispered, you were underneath him all wet and pliant, ready for his touch.
“What?” You said looking for what his eyes were searching for and realized. “Oh…”
“I’ll go to the store, give me a minute.” He said starting to get up already thinking about how cold it was outside, how warm your bed was, how pretty you looked and how stupid he was for not bringing more.
“You don’t have to.” Your voice had felt distant like a whisper, he searched for your face in the dark of the room unsure of if he heard correctly, you looked away avoiding his eyes, you were bright red even in the dark of the room he could tell. “You can do it raw I don’t mind.” You mumbled against the pillows.
His dick had been harder than ever before. “Are you sure liefde?”
He wanted to, of course he wanted to, had been dreaming about it constantly since the first time you had sex and would fantasize about it when he was away doing some show when he masturbated with your beautiful image in his mind.
“Yeah, I want you.” You had met his gaze, he kissed you slow deeply, like it was the first time he touched you.
He had taken his time kissing at every nook and cranny of your body, softly massaging at your tired limbs, warming up his way with kisses and asking constantly if you felt good. You kept whimpering with soft tears streaming from your eyes from pleasure and from love at his ministrations, he had his fingers deep into you touching you softly like you could break while petting at your swollen clit, making sure you were ready to take him. When you had felt your climax building up you had pushed at his wrist.
“I want to cum with you.” You whined.
He knew in that moment he was in love with you, no matter how hard he had tried to avoid it the feeling just wouldn’t go away and now it was biting viciously at his heart threatening to tear him apart.
He nodded and slid slowly into you asking if you were alright all the way through as you nodded. When he finally bottomed out he stopped moving for a minute so overwhelmed by everything, he kissed at your forehead, at your cheeks, at your pretty nose and deep at your sweet lips. He kept his forehead against yours, thrusting fast in and pulling out painfully slow, your mouths were inches apart, breathing in the same air, lips brushing against each other in perpetual kiss, he reached so deep you could almost feel him in your lungs it was so delicious it made your brain stop working so you blurted out.
“I love you Joost.”
He suddenly pounded hard into you, his hips stuttered as he came without a warning and collapsed on top of you, his full weight on your body, panting heavily right on your ear. He gave you a few more weak thrust as he rode his high with you clinging to his back.
“Fuck schat feels so good, so good.” He whimpered as held you close to his chest, you felt his heart beating wildly, felt his release paint your walls, and when he pulled out you felt cum start to trickle from your thighs. When he could finally regain his composure a little he looked up at you with beautiful blue eyes.
“Sorry liefde, you felt too good.” He smiled up at you apologetic.
You loved and hated when he used pet names on you, loved it because it made you feel special and hated them because he would only use them in the middle of sex so he couldn’t be too serious about it.
He was never a selfish lover, he quickly gathered himself up and grabbed at the back of your thighs pushing them to your chest.
“Hold for me yes?” He had said, you followed his instructions blindly before you saw him disappear between your legs, you felt his warm tongue lapping at your cunt deeply moaning into you sending delicious waves of pleasure up your spine, you were already so close you wouldn’t last at all.
“Joost!” You had screamed, the delicious sensation and the surprise at what he was doing right after cumming inside you mixing into one.
He pushed his fingers deep into your heat to keep you full, pumped into you at slow steady pace while his lips closed around your clit sucking generously and in no time you were coming undone under his touch, he kept licking you through your high prolonging it as much as he could before he felt you pull away from his touch with overstimulation. When you were done he raised his head from between your legs again, chin and mouth wet with your and his release and a proud expression on his face, he wiped at his mouth with the back of his hand before laying in bed next to you and pulling you to his chest.
“Isn’t it gross?” You had asked when you could finally breath again so bewildered at what he had just done.
He laughed like the question itself was stupid. “No, not really. Nothing that makes you feel good could be gross to me.”
He had left in the morning without acknowledging what you said that night.
You tried to ignore how he didn't reply to your confession, tried to push it behind, tried not to feel pathetic about it. You tried to console yourself by imagining you were probably part of a club of girls he had taken to bed who had accidentally blurted out love confessions in the middle of it, yeah right, that has to have happened to someone else too, right? He was just so charismatic and beautiful you saw the way the front rows at his shows were always adorned with the prettiest girls and if you were not the only one this had happened to then it was less embarrassing. Except it wasn’t, because the thought of him being with other girls made you want to puke. After that you kept seeing him because clearly you had a complete lack of self respect or perhaps you were in love and couldn’t decide which one was worse.
You remember the day he called you for the last time so well even when you have tried again and again to forget it. You were cooking dinner and just answered his video call while you kept moving around the kitchen. You talked for a bit about some university drama but could tell his mind was elsewhere, at this point you knew better than to push him because what he didn't want to share with you he simply wouldn’t say, you were painfully used to his selective silence.
Finally he ended the suspense and he spoke. “I’m gonna be gone for over a month.” He sounded uncharacteristically formal and cold in a way you had never heard from him before but you didn’t notice it at the time.
“Oh.” you had said plainly as you continued chopping vegetables.
To this day he wishes you would have looked at him at least once, then he wouldn’t have been strong enough to say what he did.
“I mean, you can sleep with others you know? You don’t have to wait for me.”
The sound of the knife on the cutting board was the only thing that made cut through the heavy silence inside the tiny apartment, you held onto that knife for dear life as if if you let go of it you would crumble instantly and you couldn’t do that in front of him.
“I see.” You mumbled feeling your eyes burn with tears you were holding back.
So he would also sleep with others right? That is what he wanted to say, he was just looking for a way to softly let you down, to let you know that whatever you had going on had become boring and stale and he was going to visit new cities every night and get his fill of as many pretty girls as he would meet and you would become nothing but a fuzzy image in the rear-view mirror of his life. You felt your heart breaking into dust at the realization that you were nothing to him, that you had always been nothing to him.
He had looked at you through the screen waiting to see if you would say something else, tell him you didn’t want that or curse him out for being so cowardly, for not even being able to face you, but you didn’t.
“I have to finish this.”
Before he got another word out you ended the call with shaky hands, not even once looking up at him and those were the last words he would hear from your mouth for four years.
You moved away. You couldn’t stand the thought of running into him, the thought of accidentally seeing him with someone else, you felt you recognized him in the shadows and it made you feel like you were going crazy. So right before he was set to come back you made the decision, quickly made arrangements for a program you had been eyeing at some point but didn’t want to commit to, however right now it was the perfect excuse to leave and never have to look back, never have to sleep again in that bed you once shared, never once having to be alone again in that tiny apartment where so many times you had fallen in love with him and that now felt like a prison collapsing on top of you.
During tour you had stopped answering his texts and calls, that was fine, he felt he deserved it, but he wanted to make it up to you. At the time when he told you you could sleep with others he hadn’t really meant it, and he didn't do it either, he couldn't stop thinking about you even for a second but he had just felt guilty for making you wait so long even thought he was not even you boyfriend, so he thought this way it would be fine, less selfish with you, give you the opportunity to escape him. However, all he had done was hurt you and break his own heart in the process too. But he could still make it right, when he got back he would take you out, to a proper date in a nice restaurant because you deserved it, you deserved the moon and the stars and he had been an idiot for trying to pretend like he wasn’t deeply stupidly foolishly in love with you. He had bought you this perfume you mentioned once and he would talk to you properly, he would make things right again, he kept repeating himself, and he would figure out what he wanted of you.
When he actually came back you were nowhere to be found, painfully late he realized that you had never introduced him to your friends, never once told him exactly were you worked at or the name of your university and he had been so stupid and full of himself he didn’t bother to learn. Now all too late he realized he had no way of tracking you down. You had gone up in the wind leaving with a piece of his heart he didn’t even realize he had given you.
As such is life you were back in Amsterdam, four years later. You didn’t feel paranoid that you would run into him anymore, rarely ever thought of him honestly and when you did it was almost a weird funny melancholia. Since then he had become a much bigger star than he would have ever envisioned and you felt a weird sort of pride that you had had a fling with someone like that. You never told anyone aside from a couple of really close friends who had had to dry your tears when everything went wrong but now it was fine. It was a healed wound that only ever really bothered you on cold days, but that was normal you kept telling yourself. You had met for a moment of your lives and were now old strangers, that was all that was left.
At least you thought so until one day after work while you are binge watching some series in your new apartment while shoveling take out into your mouth your phone rings. You had gotten lucky enough to get the same number as before and thought it could serve you to reconnect with some old friends from university but you didn’t even imagine who would be on the other side of the line.
“Hello.” You say distracted still chewing, you don’t recognize the caller ID.
“Hey.” The voice sounds shaky, nervous, deeper, distantly familiar, no, you are lying to yourself, you know exactly who it is but you wish with everything you have that you are wrong.
“Who is this?” You ask in silent prayer that it is just a telemarketer and just your brain playing a bad joke on you.
“I know it has been a while but I didn’t expect you to not recognize me.” He says laughing uncomfortably, knows he has no right to be calling but still wants you to answer. “It is Joost, I’m Joost I mean.” He sounds stupid, he feels embarrassed, he feels himself blushing, his palms are sweaty holding tightly at the phone until his knuckles turn white.
“Oh.” Your voice sounds like a whisper.
“Listen I- I heard that you were back, I thought-” He stops, takes a deep breath he can’t hear you anymore, wonders if you already hung up, it would be deserved but it would still hurt like hell. “I was wondering if you would want to have dinner with me to catch up?”
I clear my system, I don't need no other
This is my persona, secret lover, she’s my collar
WARNING! Explicit RPF!
EDIT! Prequel available, you can read that first if you want.
Summary: You don’t want a relationship and he does, he should know better to keep falling in your trap but the feel of your soft legs wrapping around his hips is too tempting to quit so like a fool he keeps coming back to you.
Word count: 5.4k
CW: 18+, f! reader, friends with benefits, mentions of past sex, mutual pining, set in Berlin but reader is not specified to be German or anything, no specific body descriptions.
You had met Joost some months ago, before the incident and before he blew up too. There was an instant connection. Not just psychical but he was easy to talk to, so funny and kind, really unlike anyone you had ever met. He was incredibly charismatic and the people around him seemed to adore him, you honestly had a crush as soon as you started talking but you had an amazing poker face too so you did well to hide it. The night you first had run into each other you were at a private event at some club in Berlin that a well connected friend had invited you to. He caught your eye and apparently so did you. The rest of the night was a whirlwind, you drank heavily, danced wildly and laughed together until your jaw started hurting, all to end up back at the place where he was staying.
You hadn’t even slept together that first time, well you had in the sense that he had let you sleep on his bed, wearing his clothes. However, in the morning when you woke up he had fucked you within an inch of your life, still heavy with sleep but so deliciously slow savoring every thrust. He was a generous lover, always preoccupied with your pleasure first and he was a fast learner, sweet and eager to please. You liked fixating on the many beauty marks and tattoos that littered his body, enjoyed sharing a shower together and falling asleep on the couch after a make out session. It was never awkward, it just felt so good from the get go. The lines were not entirely clear, you would have casual sex together but also go out for lunch, and hang out like normal friends. You had bought him his own toothbrush for your place at some point, he didn’t say anything as not to fluster you but he appreciated it. He didn’t leave right after he finished, always made sure you came first too, he liked cuddling and he would help you clean up softly between your legs when your limbs were still too heavy for a bath. He was usually in town only for a day or the weekend at most but he made an effort to see you every time. He would bring food to have dinner before trying to get you in bed, he also brought you other trinkets form his travels and always texted and called you when he was away so you wouldn’t forget him in the meantime, as if that was even possible. It was nice but it made your heart hurt a bit, scared and expectant for when the fantasy would stop and your idilic “friendship” would end.
You felt a little out of place in his life, he would always invite you to his shows and there you would see how you were not the only one enamored by him. It was fine really, you weren’t together, there was no expectations and furthermore you had no right to even feel jealous when it was you who coyly stopped his advances every time he tried moving the goalpost from casual to serious. He couldn’t complain, he felt so at ease when he was with you, you were smart, funny and beautiful, he really felt you came straight out of one of his dreams. But you seemed so far away at the same time, perhaps exactly like an illusion you wouldn’t let him get any closer. He knew you had a life of your own, friends and a job you loved but he also wished you would actually take him up on the multiple offers to fly you out with him, yet you never did. Through the months you had known each other he had found himself in your bed countless times, he liked it more than taking you back to whatever place he was staying at. It felt like home in a way that made him greedy. Your place was nice and tidy, a little on the old side but it just made it more charming in his eyes. He wanted to bring you back to his home, to show you around the places he liked and where he grew up, to have you on his bed waking up every morning, yet for whatever reason you wouldn’t let him. Still, like an idiot knowing he was playing for the losing team he kept coming back to you every time.
One of the many nights you had gone out drinking together you ended up, as usual, getting separated from the group and wandering the streets alone, just the two of you, hand in hand. There was never an uncomfortable silence with you, his thumbs traced shapes on the side of your hand while you pulled him seemingly aimlessly under the street lamps. “Look!” You said happily pulling at his hand to follow, there was what seemed like a little run down playground and some old looking photo booths, you pulled him inside one. You both squeezed into the small bench, you were almost sitting on his lap. “You have to put the bill here” You pointed at a metallic slip. “I don’t have cash on me” He replied. “Oh! you owe me big time then” You said smiling poking out your tongue at him, you pulled some bills from your pockets and the machine started making strange noises before a bright light blinded both of you. You immediately erupted into shared laughter “Okay, quick pose!” The machine kept snatching pictures one after the other and you kept feeding it money amused. At some point he became too distracted by the faces you were making and didn’t even bother looking towards the camera, he thinks that is probably when he truly fell for you. You had noticed his stare and looked down at him. “You are wasting my photo money if you don’t pose!” You whined, he couldn’t bring himself to speak a single syllable, he just pulled you further into his lap and kissed you deeply. It felt like the world had started and stopped right there inside that photo booth. After an eternity in your lips he softly spoke up again.
“Can I walk you home?” He said a breath away from your lips.
You nodded, face red and pupils dilated “Yeah” Your voice was so pretty when you were breathless, he couldn’t wait to have you moaning under him or over him, however you wanted, he was just a fool at your mercy.
Before you left he had picked up the photos you almost forgot and shoved them in his back pocket, back home in the Netherlands he had carefully placed them on the drawer of his nightstand and kept coming back to them on days when he was feeling particularly homesick for your arms.
Now he was in Berlin again, for a show, you knew because he had texted you days before asking you to come. You had told him you couldn’t, that there was some important work meeting you had to prepare for. Truth was, it wasn’t that important, but you were trying to put some distance between the two of you. Every time you had sex it became more tender more gentle, addicting in a way you knew you couldn’t allow yourself, it felt like making love. You felt bad about not getting to see him, guilty about the disappointed little face he made in a selfie he sent you as a reply, but you felt it was for the better. Like this, soon he would get tired and move on so he could become a fun memory that hopefully wouldn’t hurt you too much when you thought about him years down the line.
But you weigh heavy on his mind and on his heart and when the show is over and the alcohol is all gone he feels an impulse that gets him to his feet. He wants to see you. He knows you are busy but also distantly feels like you are avoiding him, like you caught on the fact that he is falling, or more like already fell, for you. But so what if he likes you? What if he is in love for real? What you don’t know cant hurt you and if he gets hurt in the process then that is fine, it doesn’t bother him, maybe only bothers a little bit. He knows the way to your apartment by heart, could probably get there blindfolded, has been there so many times he feels it is a second home, wants it to be a second home. He is drunk and deeply melancholic, he is feeling down on his luck but maybe a beautiful woman can save him, but only if it is you. The venue he is at is luckily close enough to your pace, he makes his way on foot, somewhere along the night it had started raining, fitting for his mood. He is only wearing a light hoodie, that quickly gets soaked, he honestly can’t even feel cold he is just moving on instinct trying to reach you. Soon enough he gets to the entrance of your building and pulls his phone out, texts you before his brain can stop him.
You are rolling around in bed not able to fall asleep at all, not worried about the stupid meeting but knowing that Joost is in town and your idiot past self denied him makes you feel terrible. You should just enjoy the moment as much you can, take everything he is willing to give you and when you get thrown away there will be more fun memories. You don’t really know why you are tying to be the responsible one in this situation, you should just bet everything on your losing horse and let future you worry about how to deal with the unpleasant consequences. Right as you unsuccessfully try to close your eyes again and let the soft rain outside lull you to sleep, you hear the little ping of your phone on the nightstand. You already know who it is without having to check in the way your stomach does a summersault. But still, you pick up the phone and read “I’m outside, can I come in?”. Idiot, it is raining, he probably doesn’t even have an umbrella. You have to let him in or he will catch a cold, it is a kindness really, you have no hidden motives, you are just being nice, your hands are tied. You try to convince yourself as you immediately stand from the bed and walk quickly towards the door.
You ring him in and wait right by the door with your heart threatening to pound out of your chest. He all but races pathetically upstairs, two steps at the time, like he can’t be fast enough to reach you. You wait on held breath and you hear his heavy footsteps right outside but wait until he knocks, then you make a show of waiting a few seconds, pretending like you are just getting up and open the door slowly rubbing your eyes as if you had really been asleep. You move aside to make way for him.
“Come in” you mumble after a small yawn leaves your mouth, he walks in and takes his shoes off, then you notice that he is dripping wet. “Joost did you walk here?” You drop the sleepy act immediately.
“It wasn’t that far” he mumbles looking away, there is a small blush blooming on the high of his cheeks.
You stand in front of him taking his hoodie off “Go get in the shower, you are gonna catch a cold”.
He does as he is told there is a strange cozy feeling in this interaction that goes straight to his heart.
In the shower he keeps trying to come up with what to say to convince you to date him seriously. For a songwriter he feels he is not very good at this words things right now or maybe he is too drunk or maybe he cares too much about what you will think of him. He gets under the warm water, reaches for your soap, not the expensive one because you will get mad that he used it, but the one you use for everyday, his favorite one. He likes this, smelling like you, it makes him feel like he is a little bit a part of you, makes him wish you would become a little bit a part of him too. After a few minutes you open the door of the bathroom to drop a warm towel for him and take his clothes to dry. You say nothing, it feels too domestic, like it is a built up habit the two of you have. He wants to keep you all to himself. He never asks if you are seeing someone else and you do the same, it is common curtesy but he feels the question itching at the back of his throat every time he sees you start dressing right after you are done. He could take care of you, he makes good money, make it so you could be at every one of his shows. The rational part of his brain thinks he is being cruel. You love your job and your career, it would be like keeping a bird on a cage he can’t bear the though while at the same time he just keeps having this vivid fantasy of coming home to you every day, of waking up by your side, seeing your tooth brush next to his, have your hair clog the drain of his shower, actually buy groceries to have at home and not just the pre-made meals and beer he is used to. He wants to treat you right and be good for you and yet you are standing firmly on your side denying him even the chance. It hurts him, he feels a little inadequate for as much as he is sure of himself he still wants to ask what is stopping you from taking a chance on him.
Outside you try to fix the bed a little bit after putting his clothes on the dryer. You feel electricity right under your skin, to have him naked in your bathroom, the man that just few hours ago had so many people screaming his name. It feels like a beautiful secret in your tongue, only for you. The reality is you like him as much as he does you, you really do, you are eager to see him every chance you can and your chest start beating so hard when you get a text from him. Since you met there has been rarely a week you go without talking and it feels nice, you want to keep it going. But he is a budding star, when you met him you could see it, that he was made of something otherworldly it was just waiting below the surface for the whole world to see and now they finally did. You are so incredibly proud of him, but it is exactly because of it that you can’t have him. He is young, can have so much fun with as many people as he wants, you don’t understand why he would want to tie himself down to you, knowing you can’t even follow him around like he wishes. He should be free, you would feel like you are cutting his wings too early and you can’t bear the thought of him deciding half way through that you are boring, that having a girlfriend is boring and the world is his oyster and he should just enjoy himself as much as he wants without you stopping him. He is not that type, not at all and you know it, but it still won’t let you take the step even when he has his hand out expectantly waiting on you.
You hear the water from the shower stop, you are probably not getting lucky tonight and that is okay, you just like having him near you, with the weather now he works as a personal heather. You haven’t really just slept together without sex as an excuse, not since the first time at least, and it makes you a little nervous. You think briefly about changing into nicer pajamas but he already saw the ones you are wearing so no point, you feel a rush of nervousness raise on your body. Before you get more anxious, he comes out of the bathroom, hair leaving little droplets of water on your floor as he walks. White towel hanging low from his hips, you appreciate the softness of his belly, the happy trail that disappears under the towel, the way the hair there is darker than anywhere else in his body and even more noticeable when wet. You can’t help but scan all over his body, ogle at his chest, his soft pecs and the thin hair on them that looks white usually and now a dark golden yellow, his wide shoulders littered with freckles because he can’t be bothered to ever use sunscreen, he is so beautiful it hurts. Without the excuse of sex you feel shy looking and maybe like a little bit of a creep, you try to avert your gaze. If he notices the staring he says nothing about it and slowly walks towards you. You are holding a towel in your hands “Let me help you” You say raising your hands above his head, he stands right in front of you making you look up, you start gently moving your hands to dry his hair a little, he places his big hands on your hips and pulls you closer, wants to kiss you so bad but stops himself, he doesn’t want to get kicked out in the middle of the night when your unmade bed looks so delicious and inviting. You feel your cheeks heat up under his gaze, his thumbs drawing circles in the exposed skin under your sleeping camisole, you want to make this last forever. “Done” You say almost in a whisper, you throw the towel on chair nearby. Almost on instinct you raise to your tip toes and kiss softly at his cheek, too late you realize what you just did, infinitely more intimate than what you should, you just look away quickly and clear your throat.
“Lets get some sleep yeah?” You say turning around to hide your blushing face, you climb on the bed and raise the comforter, patting at the empty space beside you motioning for him to move.
You make it so incredibly hard not to like you and he is such a weak man. He takes a few steps before reaching the edge of the bed, takes the towel off and throws it to the chair before climbing up behind you.
Your breath gets caught in your throat, of course he would sleep naked he has no other clothes here but it also makes you fight a great urge to stare at his pretty dick hanging heavy between his legs. You turn over on bed and have your back face him, you cannot deal with any more of this tonight so you will just have to avoid it and try to figure out the best diplomatic solution on the morning. As you start to settle down you feel him move behind you, for a moment he stops and then you feel his strong arms wrap around your torso and pull you to his chest. Your heart is beating wildly, he has to be able to feel it trough the thin fabric of your pajamas that is doing very little to separate you from the heat of his body, you can’t be expected to sleep like this. He thinks even if you were surgically sewn together it would not be close enough, you feel so soft under his touch so tender he wants to, no, needs to fall asleep just like this for the rest of his life.
You close your eyes really hard trying to ignore everything around, you still actually need to sleep. There is a long moment of silence that feels like an eternity, then you feel him take a deep breath. You fear you know what is coming and you fear you are not strong enough right now to stop it.
“Why don’t you wanna date me?” He asks, the words come down on you heavy like rocks, you can feel a strain in his voice, you hate to be the reason why his usual cheerful tone is fully gone.
“Do we really have to have this conversation again?” You say your eyebrows knitting in worry.
“Yeah actually I want an answer.” He swiftly turns you around like you are weightless, he looks directly at you, deep blue eyes expectantly, you feel yourself shiver under his gaze, the tension is rapidly building up, you want to put distance between you but he has your legs trapped, tangled between his.
“Joost you know-” He cuts you off before you can give him the usual excuses.
“I’m serious about you, about us, would it be so terrible to date me?” He has a kicked puppy kind of face, you accidentally laugh at his dramatics, he adores that sound so much never tires of it. You snake your arms around his shoulders to pull him closer into a short kiss trying to distract him, he deepens the kiss eager explore you mouth, all but melts under your touch and you far too soon pull away before he can do more.
“You are hard” You mumble against his lips in between giggles.
He rolls his eyes at you, he is trying to be serious here “Ignore it, I am in the room of the woman I like where everything smells like her, give me a break.”
If there was any light in the room you would be able to see how deeply red his face is now.
“What are you a dog?” You say shaking your head entertained by his reactions.
You try to pull away but he grabs your hand again and rests it square against his heart like this way he will make you understand. “I really like you” He is not letting it go this time, you shake your head lightly again and pull your hand away, you cannot face this proximity, you untangle yourself from his embrace and raise into a sitting position, he does the same.
“Joost you are great, really I don’t think I’ve ever met someone like you and I don’t think I ever will again.” There is a horrible pause, he knows what is coming next, the awful fear of rejection becoming reality far too quick. You continue “But you are traveling all over the world and that is so cool, I just can't be part of that.” He doesn’t understand why you look so sad when he is the one being let down here.
“We could make it work you know, phones exists and I come here all the time, it is only like an hour by plane” He is pleading at this point, feels so pathetic doing so but can’t stop himself. You make an effort to meet his gaze, he is being so sincere it feels bad not to.
“You could have someone new every night, at every city. You are young, you can enjoy yourself, you don’t have to tie yourself down to me, it would be such a waste-”
“Not to me, not when it is you” He is indignant at your proposal, he hates the idea that you could be so easily replaced, he feels like an idiot, like none of his efforts to make you understand how precious you are to him have reached you.
“I don’t want that” He is so exasperated now, it is like you are not listening to any of the words he is saying or not believing them which is even worse. “I don’t want any of that I don’t like it, I know I could but I don’t want it. I like you, I want you”. He pauses for a second to give himself strength to get it all out "It is my business and you can reject me if you want but you don’t get to tell me what I should do” He feels offended that you seem to not understand at all.
You had never seen him this angry. He goes speechless wracking his brain trying to come up with something else to say to convince you, maybe drinking before coming here was bad, he should do this sober, maybe bring some flowers and wear the blazer you like, maybe then you would not throw him out like an old toy. He is looking at you waiting for anything, his eyes are glossy, his lips almost tremble into a pout, his hands are clenched into nervous fists at his sides, he is pleading and you can’t help but reach out for him too. Fuck it, if you are gonna ever get hurt you want it to be him, if you get heart broken you want it to be him, whatever happens good or bad, you want it to be him, he is worth everything.
You close the distance between the two of you again, move to sit on his lap just to have him as close as possible, he has become a rock in your bed, feels like if he breathes he will break the spell and you will disappear right in front of his eyes. You grab at his hand, unclenching his fist with you fringes, softly stretching his palm and placing it right above your fast beating heart before speaking again.
“I really like you too Joost” His eyes shine impossibly bright, he looks at you stupefied, he can’t quiet belive what he is finally hearing, he feels your heart beating fast right under his palm, hard proof that you are just as gone for him as he is for you, his brain is trying to catch up to what is happening, but you help him.
You caress his cheek with your other hand and bring him into a sweet kiss. Your lips move together slowly like you are kissing again for the first time, his tongue pushes softly into your mouth, he wants to taste you, he traces the back of your teeth, you suck softly on his plump bottom lip, you smile into the kiss and pull away gently but continue to pepper soft kisses on his lips, on his jaw, on his cheeks. You wonder if he was always this handsome or has your love made him even more beautiful now. He pulls you closer hugs you thigh, happy just to be in your embrace again and feel like he truly belongs there. He chases after your lips kisses you like he is drowning and you are the only source of air, he feels the softness of your mouth it takes him back to the first night he met you, he wants to stay here forever, live on this moment until the end of time, only you and him in a soft unmade bed kissing for eternity.
Finally with lips kissed raw you pull away leaving one last small peck on the little beauty mark underneath his bottom lip. He holds you close, traces soft circles with his palms on your back under the camisole savoring every inch of exposed skin he can touch. You let him relax under you for a bit before you speak again, with a new world of prospects opening in front of you you want to share some more ideas with him now that all the cards are on the table.
“You know…my company is thinking of opening a new branch in Nethera-”
“Yes” he cuts you off immediately, you laugh at his eagerness.
“I didn’t finish talking” You push the hair away from his pretty face so you can see him better.
“You can stay with me yeah? I have a guest room you can stay there if you feel more comfortable, I am not trying to imply we have to sleep together but I mean we could if you wanted to” He is running his mouth all nervous and impatient like he is just a few steps away from winning the race of his life, you don’t reply, all too amused at his monologue, but it makes him fear he might have overstepped and scared you too fast with commitments. “I mean, until you get settled and you find an apartment, I could help you with that…” He trails off and looks away shyly, then looks up again holding your gaze. “But you could stay there too if you wanted, it could be your home too.”
He looks up at you from under white eyelashes, eyes full of hope. The possibilities seem endless, at this moment you feel like you can touch the sky with your hands and that if you couldn’t reach he would pull it down for you. You nod speechless, bite your lip and kiss him again, because you can, because he is yours.
You keep playing with his hair as rest his head on your chest, feels your heart beat under his ear, he wants to memorize it, now knows he has all the time in the world to do so. You move slightly on his lap.
“But we really do have to sleep now” You say, your voice sounds suddenly so groggy, every worry you have had the past months, that would keep you up at night, seems to have melted away in an instant and your body is feeling so tired and heavy.
He nods against you and moves you softly into laying down position again. He wants to start getting used to taking care of you, he thinks it will come easy, already feels so satisfied with so little, he lets you settle on the bed then moves behind you again snaking his arms around your torso pushing his palms under your shirt to feel the soft expanses of your belly as you breath in and out, you let him, between his strong arms it feels like home.
You feel your eyes close heavy, the sound of his calm breathing behind you lulling you to sleep, the steady beat of his heart perfectly in synch with yours, but you can’t fully let slumber take you since somewhere in the kissing his dick woke up again and is now pressing against your back.
You laugh to yourself before speaking. “Joost you know I can feel your dick, right?”.
He hums in acknowledgment but makes no further move, he just keeps holding you on his embrace, his chest against your back soft and deliciously warm. “Ignore it” He says in a sleepy mumble that transforms into a yawn right above your head. “My girlfriend has work in the morning, you have to let her sleep.” He loves how that sounds coming from his mouth, gets excited thinking about using that word again.
If you turned around at that moment you would see the beautiful smile that paints his features, he looks like he just won the lottery. He can’t wait for tomorrow, to wake up and have breakfast in your table, gets excited over the prospect of all the mundane with you. He falls asleep quickly with the warmth of your body nestled between his arms, in his dreams he sees even further ahead, dreams of taking you with him everywhere you will let, of changing your contact name to “Liefde” and of continuing to call you his girlfriend forever and ever until one day if he is lucky, he can upgrade it to wife.
You're free to have everything you can see
All that you want from me
WARNING! Explicit RPF!
Summary: You meet a beautiful stranger on a night out and find yourself in his apartment where the night seems to be filled with endless possibilities
Word count: 5.2k
CW: 18+, f! reader, meet-cute /j, alcohol, dry humping, masturbation, no specific body descriptions.
This is a prequel to SHE'S MY COLLAR but can be read as stand alone, you don't need context but you can check that afterwards.
The night had started at some dimly lit bar for cheap shots and was now ending at some exclusive event one of your friends had been invited to. As soon as you walk in your whole group disperses but you are happy enough to dance on your own. The music fills you with energy, you down shots like it is water and dance wildly without a care of who is watching. Unbeknownst to you out of the corner of his eye you catch Joost’s attention, you are pretty in a way that makes it hard not to stare and he doesn’t want to be a creep but he notices you seem to be on your own and he is not a fool either so decides to try his luck tonight. He lets the magnetic pull of your presence bring him closer to you, he finds himself a couple steps from you, ready to ask if he can buy you a drink, rehearsed line on his mouth as he closes in the distance. But all of a sudden a song you seem to really love comes on and you throw your arms high up in the air as you take a step back, and without meaning to you bump into his chest spilling a little bit of your drink down his shirt. You turn around startled only to be met with the prettiest blue eyes you have ever seen.
“Sorry.” you both blurt out at the same time before breaking into laughter.
The stranger before you is tall and pretty dimples adorn his face as he smiles down at you, he bends down to speak right in your ear so you will hear him better over the loud music. “My name’s Joost”.
“Joost” You reply back, the name feels beautiful in your mouth and it sounds heavenly to his ears coming from you, you give him your name and he also tries rolling it out on his tongue, tasting it in his mouth.
You stay standing on the dance floor without saying anything just holding each others' gazes, electricity filling the small space between the two of you without moving, neither of you wanting to break the spell.
“Let me buy you another drink, since my shirt got in your way.” He speaks again pointing at the now half empty glass in your hand.
You snort muttering again a little sorry before looking up at him again. “Sure, thanks.” You say leading the way to the bar counter.
Between drinks and dancing you learn he is a musician, that he is here for a release party or an album recording or something of the sort, he is from the Netherlands and he has the cutest smile you have seen. He is fun to be with, he smells heavenly, he is a great dancer and he can’t take his eyes off you either. You dance for hours, down shots together and then start pushing them into each others mouths happily, you laugh until your cheeks hurt and the sound of his laughter is resounding in your ears. His hands keep lingering on the small of your back as you dance and yours keep running up to his nape, holding on his strong arms, and playing with the long strands of hair at the back of his head. You feel yourself lost to the concept of time as you stare into his pretty blue eyes. Deep into the night or the early morning, you have no idea what time it is, you hear his voice whisper dangerously close to your ear sending a nice wave of chills down your spine.
“Do you wanna come over to my place?” He says it without malice or bad intentions behind it, or perhaps any intentions, he just can’t bear the thought of ending this so soon and never seeing you again.
You grab hold of his hand and look up. “Lead the way.”
He leads you through dark empty streets illuminated only by street lamps as you keep chattering away about anything and everything. He tells you about his travels, the places he has visited, the ones he enjoyed the most, you tell him about yourself, your friends and job he seems genuinely interested, asks little questions here and there so you will clarify the specifics, it makes your heart beat in excitement. You don’t know what you want or expect from this night but if it includes him it is guaranteed to be a delight either way.
Half way through you start lagging behind, your feet are tired, your dress feels too tight, too short, and the amount of drinks you had is making you wobbly. “Are we still long from there?” You ask a little concerned. He looks back at you still holding your hand.
“Not much.” He replies, he sees your worried little face.
He takes a step towards you, lets go of your hand, shucks his jacket off quickly, and ties it around your waist without a word. You can’t quite understand what is going on then you see him turn around and go on one knee in front of you.
With his back towards you he speaks over his shoulder with a sweet grin. “Hop on, your ride is here.”
You break into laughter that makes you double over, it takes you a bit to compose yourself before you start climbing on his back. When he feels your arms secure around his shoulders he grabs at the back of your thighs with his strong hands and pulls you closer standing up. Your tight dress rides high, you are thankful for the jacket protecting your lower half from the cold wind night, you press yourself even closer to him greedily chasing after his body heat. You feel the warm expanses of the muscle on his back, feel the grip of his hand on your thighs, it is all too much, it make you want to dissolve into him.
He starts walking, treats you as if you are weightless. He is saying something about this one trip he took to Japan you can’t quiet be sure, you feel his soft scent so deeply that you can barely register that words are coming out of his mouth, it is such a delicious comforting smell like aftershave and tobacco rolled into one but somehow sweeter, you can’t stop yourself in your intoxicated mind you pull closer to the neckline of his shirt and sniff lightly. He feels it as it tickles his skin, he giggles then asks bemused.
“Did you just sniff me?”
You pull yourself away quickly pushing your hands against his shoulders to create some distance. “No I didn’t.” You say almost too loud, no confidence in your answer. You almost fall backwards from how hard you pushed but he holds tightly at your legs.
“Wow, easy there.” He giggles not even bothering to pretend he believed you. “Well do I smell good?” If you could see how widely he is smiling you would be mortified, completely caught red handed.
“Agh! Please let me off the hook for this one, I’m drunk” You whine dropping your head in the crook of his neck and resting your forehead on his shoulder completely defeated.
“Okay, okay.” he says laughing still.
After a few more minutes announces. “We are here.”
He softly puts you down on the ground while he looks for his keys on his jean pockets, you untie his jacket from your waist and put it over your shoulders, fix your dress back in place, the cold of the night bitting at your exposed skin making you tremble slightly. When he turns around and sees you wrapped yourself in his far too big jacket, your hair flying all around you wildly with the wind and your cheeks kissed red by the cold of the night, he thinks he is in love. You are a heavenly sight, he must have gotten drunk and fallen somewhere, hit his head so hard he died and now there is an angel right in front of him. He wants to warm you up by kissing everywhere but he settles for reaching his palm out to you so you will follow him.
You make your way up the stairs to his apartment quickly as you hold hands. It is a nice studio, it is a little messy, way more cans of Monster than should be advisable but you live off coffee half the time so you are in no position to judge.
“Sorry for the mess.” He says sheepishly rubbing at the back of his neck, you shake your head and smile up at him.
“You should see mine.” And he would like that, he really would.
But right now he has you here and when he turns on a few lamps the warm light illuminates you more beautifully than before, the dimness of the club made your alluring features no justice, he feels his heart beat rapidly in his chest. You take his jacket off and put it on the hanger before walking up to him. Your face still has a nice rosy tint, the dress fits you beautifully but he can see goosebumps in your arms.
“Do you want me to get you something to change into?” He says as he is caressing softly at your exposed skin in a small attempt to warm you up, you nod.
He goes into the bedroom and you follow right behind, he grabs one of his shirts and a pair of boxers and hands them to you, you hold the clothes close to your chest. The air is filled with tension and you are holding heavy eye contact, neither of you wanting to look away. After a long pause he finally speaks again.
“I’ll wait outside.” His voice sounds labored and deeper almost dripping with need.
You want to tell him to stay, that he can watch but you haven’t even kissed yet and it feels like a little too much, so you just nod silently before turning around.
In the couch of the living room he takes a seat, he wants to take a peak but he is not a pervert so he starts smoking anxiously to calm himself. He turns on the thermostat and raises it a couple degrees to warm you up faster. Inside his bedroom you take off your clothes quickly and change into his, it feels nice, the fabric is soft and worn out, it smells like him it makes you feel like you are fully wrapped in his presence, it makes you tingle.
You walk out into the living room again, you see him splayed on the couch smoking and exhaling out of window he cracked open just a little bit. You go to sit next to him.
“It is a nice place.” You say looking around.
“Thanks, I didn’t decorate anything. I’m just renting it for a bit.”
You break into a giggle, he loves that sound. “Well there goes my compliment, no matter. You should see me sober I’m much more charming, trust me.” You wink up at him his cheeks heat up instantly.
He looks at you stunned, you look even more beautiful in his baggy clothes, like you belong here, like this is normal, like you are his. The idea excites him terribly.
“Do you smoke?” He asks, you reach out a hand and take the cigarette from between his fingers.
“Only when I drink.” You put the cigarette between your lips and inhale lightly, you don’t really like smoking but right here, right now, you just want to have it inside your mouth as it was just between his lips.
The taste is stronger than you expect and it has you coughing up embarrassingly. He takes the cigarette away from you and goes to rub soothing circles at your back which would be sweet if he wasn’t also laughing so hard right in your face. Your eyes water and you try to hit lightly at his chest.
“Don’t laugh at me.” The words come out garbled and hard in between little coughs as you try to compose yourself.
“Sorry, sorry.” He says still in between laughter, his palm is so big and warm, you can feel it through the thin material of the fabric, he continues rubbing calmly until you can breath normally again. With his other hand he wipes the stray tears away from your face. “So I'm guessing you don’t drink often.” He says big smile in his face.
“Oh please leave me alone.” You roll your eyes at him still a little embarrassed, you cover your red face with your hands, but he pulls them away before speaking.
“Come here.” Joost grabs at your chin gently pulling you closer. He takes a long deep drag of the cigarette, lets it fill his lungs, he gently puts pressure on your jaw with his fingers so you will open your mouth and you do. He is half a breath away from your mouth, you can feels his heat, his lips fall open slightly and he pushes the smoke into your mouth softly, slowly, you can feel his lips ghost over yours. You inhale, so relaxed under his touch, it feels so good, you want to close your eyes and melt into his hand right now but you also want to stare at his beautiful face, the way his eyes seem impossibly blue and the alluring almost white eyelashes that adorn them, all made more enticing by the small cloud of smoke that covers both of you.
Up close you see the beauty mark right under his lip, it decorates his face perfectly, you become hyper focused on it and before you can stop yourself you are crashing lips first right into it. You place a soft peck on it, he feels his heart stop then you move upwards to actually reach his lips. He feels perfect, he tastes perfect, it is better than you could have imagined.
You chase after his touch, he moves his hand to your waist to hold you closer, you feel him breathing in an out, chests almost touching, it is addicting. Your lips move in uncoordinated harmony but it feels so good. The kiss lasts too little before you have to pull away slightly to catch your breath, you see a string of spit connecting your lips it makes you blush even deeper if that is possible, somewhere in the middle of it all you had climbed onto his lap and he had let you. You are looking down at him, stunned with how gorgeous he looks, lips slightly red from the kissings and shiny from your own lipgloss.
He puts the cigarette out on an ashtray nearby, now both his hands are at your waist, thumbs caressing softly waiting on your next move. You go back for more, feeling bolder now seeing the hunger in his eyes that you imagine matches the one in yours. His lips are soft and a little chapped, they taste distantly like Bacardi and something sweet, the cigarette is there for sure but more than anything it taste like him. You chase after it, push your tongue in his mouth desperate for it, he is just as far gone as you sucks lightly at the wet muscle and you moan in response, his hands go to the small of your back and then to your ass to pull you closer, he feels the fat there so delicious under his fingers when he kneads his hands into the soft muscle. You mewl into his mouth, this feels so fast and like time has stopped.
You keep kissing, moaning into each others mouths, sucking at each others tongues in reckless abandon. Your hips started humping against his at some point, you feel heat building up in your core and keep chasing after it with soft little movements, he smiles against your kiss, feels your teeth knock together. You are so drunk, he wonders if you would be embarrassed to know what you are up to, he is now almost lying against the side of the couch, it digs on his back uncomfortably but he can’t be bothered by it when he has such a beautiful woman losing herself on top of him.
He grabs harder at your ass and pulls you up towards his stomach so you will stop torturing him a little with your grinding right on his uncomfortably hard cock. Your little whimpers sound so delicious, you are so lost on it, you keep kissing at his lips at his jaw down towards his neck, feeling his pulse right under your tongue. He keeps moving your head to reach your lips, seems to be wanting to eat you alive, you open your eyes and you see his pretty face full of desire, full of need, for you. There is a hunger inside you rapidly growing and soon it has you feeling famished. He can feel you trashing against the planes of his stomach looking for more friction, he can’t really tell if you are unaware or so unashamed in your state that you can’t stop yourself. But you are so desperate for him and he feels like a boiling pot about to explode so he uses the last of his self restrain to tell you, almost beg you.
“Have some mercy on me schat, you are driving me crazy.”
His deep voice brings you back to reality, you feel your soul enter your body again for a second and realize your hips are pathetically grinding against his soft belly, your face goes up in flames but you are so needy so hungry you don’t want to stop at all, the thought of it terrifies you. With your hands rested on his chest you uselessly try to pull him closer by his shirt and fail, but maybe your pretty mouth can get you what you so desire.
“Joost please… I need you.” Your voice is so airy full of want, he can’t ever imagine saying no to you much less when you look so beautiful, in the couch of his living room, wearing his clothes. He nods dumbly before speaking.
“Ok liefde.” He whispers back against your mouth.
He moves you swiftly placing your core right on the muscle of his thigh and planting his foot heavily against the hardwood floor so you will feel more of his tightened muscle. You knew deep within yourself, somewhere in your brain that he wanted you, that it is why he brought you back to his place, you expected to have a fun memory at most but didn’t realize he wanted you this much to let you do with him as you pleased, to get yourself off using his body.
You rub yourself against his thigh exploratory at first but then bolder, more vigorously, you are so wet, you wonder if you will stain his jeans, the delicious friction of the fabric on your cunt helping you get damper, more needy, he feels how hot you are through the fabric, wishes he could feel it directly on his skin, the throbbing of your cunt right on the muscle of his thigh as you make a mess of him. He is grabbing at your ass kneading softly and kissing at the column of your throat while you work yourself freely on his thigh, he is leaving big open mouthed kisses on trail until he reaches your mouth, you are so preoccupied chasing your high you can barley kiss back but it is okay, he does all the work for you softly exploring your mouth feeling your sweet wet tongue on his, the way your hips stutter when he sucks on it, how your hands hold tighter on his shoulders when he pushes his tongue deep into your mouth.
He is painfully hard under you, but doesn’t mind as he keeps his eyes trained on your beautiful face breaking out in pleasure. You feel yourself coming undone far too quick you don’t want this to end, you still want to see how much he fills you up.
“Take me to bed.” You whimper.
He lifts you with his hands below your ass in a swift motion and does as he is told before his brain can really catch up, he didn't bring you here for this, he doesn’t know why he brought you here really, he just wanted more time, more of you. But you are too drunk, he is also very drunk, but somehow feels more in control, it doesn't feel entirely right. He likes you, honestly, he wants to take you on a proper date if you would let him and he wants to meet you when you are sober, you are so funny and smart like this, he imagines he will be head over heels when he actually gets the version of you who can coordinate all her limbs.
He sits in bed with you on his lap, but then you raise from his warm embrace urgently, you grab at his jeans and unbutton them as you start pulling down, he goes to stop you.
“I wanna feel you closer.” You explain like this is all supposed to make perfect sense, and it does to him, right now if you told him the moon was made of cheese he would probably belive you.
You sit back on his lap, his jeans rest at his ankles. You start moving again desperate against his body, he rests his hands on your hips helping you chase your orgasm. You keep grinding wildly back and forth on his lap, hands closed into fists at his shoulders holding onto his shirt painfully thigh, you feel the familiar sensation start to bubble inside you as your sensitive bundle of nerves keeps catching on the tip of his clothed erection every time you move. Your moaning is so beautiful, he is so thankful there are no other noises and he can concentrate only on what you sound like as you are coming undone. You feel your climax crush into you rapidly, feel your hole gush and your pussy uselessly clenching against the air.
“Joost!” You scream pulling him closer, he pushes his lips against yours and swallows your sweet sounds with his mouth, he loves it but his neighbors will kill him for it and he doesn’t want anyone interrupting right now.
Your body throws itself back in ecstasy but he catches you while you continue to softly ride your high all over him.
“It is okay baby, I got you, I got you.” He caresses your back, sweetly whispering against your hair, placing soft kisses on your exposed shoulder from where his shirt is too big on you.
You come down from you high, heavy breathing on top on him, your hips still stuttering softly on his, your head is hanging low forehand pressed on his shoulder, he is holding you in place softly scratching at the tender skin of your nape, you swallow hardly trying to regain a little composure.
That felt so good and yet you want more, if you can only have this night you want everything. Your head feels so heavy, the room is slightly spinning around you, you try to focus your gaze on him, he thinks you look adorable. He is not much better off, his pupils are blown wide, he helps you out, grabs hold of your face delicately letting you rest you head against his palm. You raise your hips slightly, make move to pull the boxers he gave you down your legs, you feel you must have soaked right through them but you can’t care, he watches hypnotized with his breath caught on his throat, he see how wet you are, your pussy lips sticky with cum glistening with the light coming from the window. There is something so erotic about having you cum on his own boxers, he doesn’t think he will ever wash them again.
You move quickly and far more coordinated than you should with how many drinks you downed and sit right on his erection, melting again on his heat, the warmth wetness of your cunt grinding directly on the tip of his still clothed cock, a loud deep moan escapes him without meaning to, but he doesn’t let you go further. In a quick motion he has you on your back against his mattress, there is a soft thud, he holds himself right above you caging your hands with his, gently but sternly. His face wears an expression between exasperation and love, you want to reach out and touch him so bad but under his strength you can barely move. He shakes his head lightly when he sees you jostling under him, stupidly trying to reach your hips up to his and wrap you legs around him to pull him closer.
“No, we are not doing that.” He says more to himself than to you, trying so hard to stay sane. “I am not gonna fuck you when you are drunk.” He looks for your eyes looking up at him pleading for more, he kisses a little trail from the high of your cheeks until he stumbles on your mouth and steals one last long kiss trying to commit the softness of your tongue to memory.
Then he raises quickly, leaves you dumbfounded and so lonely in the middle of his bed, you feel weightless and like you can’t move at all at the same time you want to reach for him, pull him back down to your body, you feel so cold without him on top of you. You strain your neck to try to find him in the dark of the room.
“Come back.” You want to sound sexy, too good to ignore but it comes garbled with the awkward position your head is in.
“Not going anywhere.” You can see him next to you at the side of the bed standing over you looking so fondly at your needy expression. He bends down quickly, kisses at your forehead so sweetly it makes your heart ache. “Give me 10, no 5.” He whispers before he moves far too quick for your eyes to catch, in a second he has crossed the room to the bathroom. He doesn’t bother closing the door you can see faintly the shadow of his body from the back, barely past the threshold of the doorframe. You can’t focus on much, your eyes are foggy, you can barely keep them open, everything is so dark you still feel dizzy but so pent up, one time wasn’t enough at all.
At first there is a profound silence, you can only hear the blood pumping in your ears and then a small sound escapes the bathroom, it is so faint you fear you might have imagined it. The sound of skin on skin, you stop breathing trying to catch it again. You can see now a faint movement, his hand moving in repetitive motions, up and down. It sounds sleek like he is wet, you wonder if he is using spit or if it is his own precum, that thought makes your clit twitch, to imagine he is so desperate to fuck you but can’t do it, rather doesn’t want to do it when you are so vulnerable makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside, but all the more needy.
Your hand travels south, finds itself between your thighs, you are still soaked wet, you starts tracing exploratory fingers up and down your slit, you don’t want to make a sound, solely getting off on his sounds. You can hear the smallest whimpers, the softest groans, the drowned curses coming from where he is. You start toying with your clit, you reach your other hand under his shirt that you are wearing and pull it up exposing your chest to the warm air of the apartment, you twist and pull at your nipples hungrily imagining how he would touch you, you scratch lightly with your nails at the sensitive bud and wish he would bite down on you.
“Fuck.” You hear him mumble distantly but it feels like he is right by your side, caging you under his weight, saying it against your ear as he comes deeply inside you. Your reach your second peak using imagination alone, remembering the way he kissed you, his smell on the collar of the shirt he gave you as you inhale deeply, the way his hands held at your hips so tightly, you feel your cunt start twitching as you release whimpering softly his name over and over.
You feel his presence faintly back in the room before you open your eyes, still trying to calm down form your second high, you wonder how much he saw. Your neck is twisted in an awkward angle, your make up must be all smudged and you don’t even want to imagine what your hair looks like but to him you are the most beautiful sight he has ever laid eyes on.
He brushes your hair away from your pretty face, moves his hand to caress at your cheek and rests his thumb lovingly near your lips, you can’t help yourself and you take it in your mouth sucking lightly, you hope it is the hand he used to get off. You try uselessly to feel his taste on your tongue before he pulls away, shaking his head in disbelief.
“You are really too much.” He says fondly like he is pumped full of love. He takes the last of his clothing as you struggle to keep your eyes open to drink in his beautiful body.
“You are strange.” You say still feeling like this all was a dream, you smile at him with eyes closed.
“You have a really pretty smile.” He says as he pulls your, actually his, shirt back down, you break into uncontrollable giggles, something like shame threatening to wash over you for what you just did but his loving eyes keep it at bay. “And a pretty laugh.” He pulls you up so you are resting on the pillows, he gets in after you and pulls the thick comforter over both of your tired bodies. He pulls you so your head is resting on his chest but first steals one last sweet kiss from your lips, you smile against him. “And very pretty lips.” It is the last thing you hear before you fall into heavy rewarding sleep finally melting into the heat of his body.
He hopes you don’t disappear before he wakes up, pulls you tightly against his chest, can’t wait to meet the you in the morning, see if she is embarrassed or if she is just delighted to be on his bed, he falls asleep quickly with the warmth of your body between his arms, hoping with everything he has that it is the second one.
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───
SEQUEL: SHE'S MY COLLAR ₊˚⊹♡
MASTERLIST *ੈ✩‧₊˚
A/N: also if u r one of the day ones maybe you realized this one is also referenced in DOGTOOTH … IT IS ALL CONNECTED!! well not all all but u get it Hehehe anyways I hope you liked it let me know your thoughts! <3
rpf below, pls don’t read if you’re uncomfortable!!!
read part 2 here
summary: reader and joost used to be together but broke up. four years later they meet again, having realized their mistakes.
warnings: 18+, nsfw, smut (blowjob, unprotected p in v), angsty
word count: 6k
a/n: this is kiiiiind of based on the songs ‘baby came home’ and ‘baby came home 2/ valentines’ by the nbhd fyi if u want to listen to them!! also im sorry that im yapping sm in the first paragraphs i promise joost is gonna show up lol🥲. anyways enjoy!!!!!!
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You enter the bathroom, the deafening music from the club reducing to a muffled sound as the door behind you closes. Your hand immediately reaches for the sink and you look up to see your blurry reflection in the mirror. The dark red tint of your lipstick has faded by now and your eyes look tired under the bathroom lighting, lightly smudged with mascara.
You take a deep breath, squeezing your eyes shut in order to get ahold of yourself. The floor underneath you is vibrating with the sound of the loud bass, mirroring the quick rhythm of your heartbeat as you open your eyes again, meeting your distressed gaze in the mirror. You feel lost, unable to recognize yourself under the layers of makeup as tears threaten to spill from your eyes.
Today wasn’t supposed to go like this. You expected it to be another long night of partying with your coworkers, the group of you sat in the fancy vip sofas as always, drinking champagne and gossiping. You never really liked them or their snobbish attitude, the only reason you always agreed to go out with them being your job — a stylist for one of New York’s biggest fashion magazines.
You had always wanted to be involved in fashion so naturally when you got the opportunity to work for such a prestigious magazine two years ago, you accepted every part of the job, the good and the bad. It was sort of an unspoken rule; if you wanted to go higher, you’d have to make compromises — and for you that compromise was to tolerate all the rich elites you worked with, pretend to be one of them.
You thought your plan had been working, especially with how your boss was treating you lately, even promising to give you the promotion you so badly wanted and deserved.
So naturally, when she announced another person as the art director today, you couldn’t help but protest, ask for an explanation from your boss who called you crazy in her usual patronizing tone. With the help of alcohol in your system, the complaints soon turned into a heated argument as you resigned, left the table and ended up… here.
Maybe I should have never left the Netherlands; this is the only thought going through your mind right now as you let out one last shaky breath and your tears gradually come to a stop, leaving a reddish blush on your cheeks as a confirmation that you have been crying. You slightly fix your makeup, clearing the smudged mascara under your eyes before leaving the bathroom.
The music gets progressively louder as you re-enter the large venue filled by people dancing.
You glance at the vip section one last time, easily spotting the people you unfortunately know so well, dressed in expensive designer clothes. They are chatting and laughing as if nothing has happened, the same fake smiles lingering on their faces. You scoff to yourself, all those years of working together and not one of them cares enough to check on you.
You don’t bother to stay any longer and make a turn for the exit door, as the music from the club gradually fades.
The familiar security guard opens the door for you and you smile subtly at him for what you hope will be the last time.
The air is cold and humid against your hot body, causing you to wince as you put on your lightweight jacket that doesn’t do much to warm you up.
You look around you, blinded by the vibrant lights reflecting off the windows of the tall buildings and restaurants. Despite how late it is, the city is still as busy as ever with numerous people walking by, going from club to club and the loud music from cars is booming at every corner.
You decide to rest on a wall a few meters away, seeing as your ride home was one of your coworkers but that scenario doesn’t seem very likely anymore.
You pull out a cigarette from your purse and your trembling fingers rush to light it, desperate to feel the addictive burn in your throat.
For the first time in a long while, you suddenly feel better, relieved as if a heavy weight has been lifted off your shoulders. It almost feels liberating to not work at that place anymore, knowing you don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not, that this may be your chance to escape the toxic environment you’ve been living in and find your old self back.
“Y/n?” A familiar voice pulls you out of your thoughts as you instinctively whip your head to the direction you heard it come from, then pause. In front of you, is standing Joost.
Joost as in your ex boyfriend from the Netherlands.
You met him shortly after having moved to the country because of your dad’s job, both of you being just 17 without the experience of any previous partners and big feelings. It didn’t take long before you got into a relationship, the newfound passion of a first love quickly drawing you closer together and taking over your minds. It was the first time in your life that you had such strong feelings for someone, especially someone you had known for so little at that. You really thought you had found the perfect man, the one you would someday marry and start a life with, no matter the hardships.
But as time passed, the problems soon began to emerge in your relationship. The main issue lied with the fact that you both didn’t exactly know how to convey your feelings and emotions to one another; Joost opted to ignore them and move on, whereas you often came off as controlling and selfish in an attempt to show him just how much you cared.
You loved each other a lot — and you both knew that — but inevitably you broke up with him in the heat of an argument, the biggest one you’d had yet. In the following month, you barely talked and it was then that you made the impulsive decision to move back to New York, finding no reason in staying in Amsterdam anymore. You didn’t tell Joost but he found out eventually, leading to another big argument just one day before your flight and then another month of no contact.
At last, you did talk things through, him calling to apologize and try to make things right again as you cried over the phone because you knew it was too late for either of you to make up for all the problems.
It’s been 4 years since then in which you kept some sort of communication, mostly on your birthdays and on holidays or when he replied to your story sometimes and vice versa.
You stare up at him in shock. “Joost?” You blurt out, blinking repeatedly as if to make sure he is actually here.
He smiles, his dimples bringing back a bundle of memories and you get chills just at that.
“Hey,” He pulls you into a hug which you reluctantly return, careful to not burn him with your cigarette as you linger in his arms a moment longer, taking in the intoxicating smell of his cologne mixed with what seems to be cigarettes.
“How have you been?” You ask, eyeing him up and down.
He looks slightly different, having grown into his face through the years. His hair is still the same shade of blonde, though grown out as it sticks out under his hat and you notice the small trimmed mustache on his face. He’s just about the same height, maybe slightly taller as he towers over you even with your heels on.
“Good, everything’s good I guess,”
“Yeah? I heard your album did well last year,” Albino; It had popped up on your feed a few times but you hadn’t looked into it too much, in fear of undoing all your efforts to get over Joost.
“Are you stalking me?” His question coaxes a laugh out of you as you roll your eyes at him.
“Get over yourself,” You say playfully, “I saw Tantu post about it on Instagram,”
Joost grins and nods as a response. “How have you been?” He redirects your initial question to you.
You take a moment to respond as you awkwardly look away from him. If you were to be honest with him, you’d say you’re basically all alone, crying and second guessing yourself on the daily — also without a job from now on — but you find that it may be too direct of an answer for the situation.
Instead you say, “Not too bad either,” giving him a weak smile.
“Still in fashion?” He asks, his words unknowingly sting but you try your best to look okay.
“Mhm,” You nod, “I uh- I work for a fashion magazine,” Or maybe worked would be a better word, you think to yourself.
“That’s awesome,”
“I guess so,” You can’t help but let a sigh fall from your lips, hinting at the insincerity of your words. Joost senses it because he furrows his eyebrows at you as if to ask you what’s wrong but you don’t let him.
“Want a cigarette?” You hold out your pack of cigarettes that’s almost empty, in hopes of changing the subject. Joost gets the message and takes a cigarette from the package, deciding not to bother you with any more questions. Besides, it isn’t exactly his business after so many years of barely any contact.
You light the cigarette that hangs from his lips as your eyes meet over the small orange flame and you stay silent, watching as he takes a long drag.
“By the way,” You utter “Why are you in New York?” Maybe it’s a dumb question as obviously a trip would be the reason, but frankly you’re more curious about who he is here with.
Joost goes on to explain, “Me and my friends booked this trip a while ago,” He exhales a thick plume of smoke.
“I don’t see anyone here,” You look around, searching for the familiar faces of his friends.
“They’re sitting at that bar over there,” He nods to the small building that is just a few meters away, the one you have passed by countless times after leaving the club. “I just came out here to make a few calls,” He adds.
“To your girlfriend?” You can’t help but ask him, the drinks you had earlier playing a part in your bluntness. You’re not drunk but definitely intoxicated enough to not feel embarrassed, especially when you see how Joost’s face lights up at your question.
“Nee, I don’t have one,” He gives you a cheeky smile, “Why? Are you curious?”
You shake your head, looking down to the concrete ground, “No, just… asking,” Your voice is weak as you shy away from your words.
“Alright,” You hear him chuckle, it makes you smile too for some reason.
“But I’m sure you have a boyfriend,” He says causing you to look back at him in confusion, “He must be waiting for you inside that club,” He points to the same building you were in just a few minutes ago.
“Where did you get that from?” You laugh in between your words, making it clear you do not in fact have a boyfriend.
“I don’t know,” He shrugs his shoulders, smiling down at you. “You’re pretty, why wouldn’t you have a boyfriend?” You bite the inside of your mouth, fighting back a smile but Joost sees you, secretly enjoying the effect his words still have on you.
“Haven’t found the right one yet,” Both of you know that’s not true. You had found the right one, in fact he’s standing right next to you but you both just had to ruin everything.
Joost knows you don’t mean that, but still, the thought that you have moved on from him stings even though it’s normal all these years later. He has matured, you both have and he often thinks how things would turn out if you got back together again, right now.
His silence doesn’t go unnoticed by you as you put out your cigarette with the sole of your shoe and turn to fully face him.
“Anyways,” You sigh, “I was going to leave soon,”
“Oh,” Joost takes one last puff of smoke before also putting out the cigarette on the ground, then he looks at you again. “Ja, I should probably head back inside too,” He says but none of you make a move that indicates you’re leaving.
You don’t want to say goodbye and possibly never see him again, knowing that once he’s gone you’ll sink back into the misery of your life. He’s currently the only person you feel comfortable talking to and you don’t want to lose that feeling just yet.
You say, “Joost?” Your voice soft and quiet.
“What?” He gives you a sweet smile.
“Do you want to… come to my place?” You’re reluctant in your words, trying not to make them sound suggestive because really, they aren’t.
“Sure,” He smiles, not having to think about it for long which leaves you satisfied. “I’ll just call Appie to let him know,” He adds, pulling out his phone.
You wait for him to end the call as Joost raises his voice ever so slightly, presumably because the music from the bar is too loud for Apson to hear. Your Dutch isn’t the best but you manage to make out most of what Joost is saying, catching your name in between sentences. You hear Apson yell something on the other line which makes Joost giggle and mumble shut up as you give him a weird look.
He hangs up the phone, “Should we go?” He asks, you nod as you walk with him to a taxi down the road and usher him inside.
The ride is quite long, given the inevitable city traffic as you pass by more tall buildings that are sparkling with light. You’re sitting next to Joost in the backseat as your shoulders lightly bump into one another every time the driver makes an abrupt turn. Joost whispers little jokes to you every now and then, making you laugh with his humor that has not changed one bit. It fills your heart with warmth, reminds you of the old times. You keep glancing at him as he looks out the window and the lights illuminate his face beautifully, bringing out the beauty mark under his lips or how blue his eyes really are. He catches you staring a few times, smiling to himself at your poor attempt to hide it and the pattern repeats itself until you reach your apartment complex.
Joost thanks the driver, quickly closing the car door behind him to catch up with you as you’re already at the old-looking entrance door of the building, unlocking it.
“Quick, quick!” You giggle as he jogs to you in his usual silly manner and you let him in.
You take the elevator and on the way up you lightly hold his hand, bringing it closer to see the tattoos on his knuckles.
He chuckles to himself, “You like them?”
“Mhm,” You nod, letting your thumb lightly graze his digits. Your eyes return to his, he’s much closer now and you feel your heart beating faster than ever with the way he looks down at you, a subtle smile on his lips.
Your faces get closer and closer as you let his hand fall from yours, forgetting all about his tattoo, then ding.
The elevator door opens, revealing the narrow dimly lit hallway your apartment is in and just like that, the moment ends as you both step back from each other and out of the elevator.
You hurry to the end of the cold hallway and unlock the door to your place, ushering Joost inside.
The lights reflecting off of the surrounding buildings come through the big windows of your apartment, illuminating the room with a faint brightness. The space is relatively small and simply decorated, the only luxurious thing about it being the view of the city.
“Do you want anything to drink?” You ask, already making your way into the kitchen. “There’s wine and tequila,” you say loudly.
“Tequila,” Joost responds quickly, taking off his puffy jacket and leaving it on the coat rack next to the door.
By the time you’re back to the living room, Joost is sat comfortably on the big couch and you notice he’s turned on the lamp next to him which now casts a warm yellow light in the room.
You hand Joost his shot placing the half empty tequila bottle on the table, then sit down next to him, maybe in closer proximity than truly needed.
“Cheers!” He grins as you both down the shots, the feeling of the hard liquor going down your throat momentarily giving you goosebumps. Joost drinks it like it’s water before slamming the glass on the table, a sight that makes you laugh in surprise as you remember how easily he used to get drunk when you first met him.
“I needed this,” You sigh, your words implying how shitty your night — or life in general — has been.
Joost narrows his eyes at you; he had already sensed that you’re not well from your previous implications but now he has to ask. Even after everything he still worries the same amount, hates seeing you unhappy.
“You okay?” You turn to look at him, smiling at his question. You can’t even remember the last time someone asked you that.
“Yeah,” You nod repeatedly in an attempt to convince Joost, not wanting to ruin his night with your seemingly unimportant problems but he sees right through you, his face making it clear he doesn’t believe you. “Or no,” you laugh to loosen the tension, covering your face with your hand in disappointment.
“What’s wrong?” Joost asks calmly while he caresses the small of your back.
“I don’t know, it’s just…” you mumble, “Sometimes I get the idea that I made the wrong choice returning here,”
You’re looking away from him, not used to oversharing like this. Usually, you would have stopped at the first sentence but the drinks from the club paired with the shot you just had, make it harder for you to shy away from sharing your feelings.
“Like what if I’m not good enough at this? Maybe this life isn’t for me after all,” Your voice becomes strained as you fight back tears, this being the first time you express your fears out loud.
“That’s not true,” Joost raises his voice ever so slightly, “You’re great with fashion, you’ve always been great. You even picked my outfits for me sometimes, remember?” He chuckles at his last words, the shared memory making you both giggle as you finally face him again.
Your eyes linger in his and you get the urge to kiss him, realizing that you may want this night to end differently.
He stands up straight in front of you and says, “Here,” smiling widely as you look up at him confused, “Judge my outfit,”
“Judge your outfit?” You repeat his words to him and laugh. Joost nods as he turns around, letting you see the full outfit and posing in between. You’re clearly amused, letting small chuckles slip from your lips every now and then, watching as Joost shows off his clothes one by one.
Your eyes can’t help but fall to his belt as he plays with it, the metallic letters that read Albino glowing in the darkness of the corner he’s standing at. Your body feels warmer at that as a sinister thought flashes through your mind which you quickly shake off.
“Models aren’t allowed to touch their clothes, you know?” You point out sarcastically, mimicking the tone that your boss usually had when she talked to the models.
“I’ll keep that in mind, thank you,” He says in a half serious tone as you nod.
“So?” He asks, you’re assuming he’s waiting for you to judge his choice of clothing as you sit up straighter on the couch.
“Well…” You take a coy expression, holding back the smile on your lips, “It could use some changes, with my help,”
“You think?” Joost takes a look at his outfit, not directly understanding the true motivation behind your words. “Like what?”
“Come closer and I’ll show you,” Joost pauses for a second, a smirk grows on his lips as he starts to catch on to what exactly it is that you’re suggesting. He takes a few steps forward, so close to you that your face is practically aligned with his belt as you suck in a deep breath. You don’t really know where you’re going with this but the alcohol in your system doesn’t let you think of your choices thoroughly right now, instead you’re overcome with need, the desire to touch Joost in any way possible.
“I’m all ears,” He says, his voice low and raspy.
You bite back a smile, tugging on the soft material of his t-shirt. “This needs to go,” You say, masking your lust with an innocent voice.
“Do you want to style me or undress me?” Joost raises an eyebrow at you, clearly amused by your intentions.
“I need a clear canvas to work,” You respond coyly and once again pull on his shirt, coaxing him to take it off.
“Fair enough,” Joost pulls the shirt over his head, revealing the blonde hairs on his happy trail. His pants are hanging low on his stomach, making the waistband of his underwear stick out all the more, the letters supreme on it and you shamelessly take in the image of his bare chest.
Joost soon brings his hand to your chin, lifting your head up so that you can see his face clearly. Your body is practically aching with need by now, imagining how his fingers would feel in other parts of your body.
He silently leans down, capturing your lips in a heated kiss. You’re initially taken by surprise as it takes a few seconds for you to part your lips before you finally get to feel him against your tongue. He tastes like cigarettes and liquor but you don’t mind, it only serves as a reminder that this is actually happening.
Joost lowers his body, resting one knee on the couch to balance himself as he pushes you back into the big pillows. His lips wander off to your neck, peppering small kisses on it which later turn into gentle bites that are sure to leave marks on your skin.
“Do you like that?” He asks, noticing the small whimpers that escape your mouth. You hum in agreement, feeling yourself grow more wet under his continuous touch.
“It’s been so long,” He mutters in between more kisses distributed evenly across your neck and jaw. You wonder if he has missed this as much as you have, whether he has also been thinking of you every now and then, searching for you in every girl he has met since you left.
At this point you’re eager, unable to keep your composure any longer. You pull him away slightly, ignoring the confused expression on his face as you quickly shove him back against the couch, switching roles with him.
Your knees fall to the wooden floor, you bring both hands to his knees, looking up at him then towards his belt.
“Your pants are next,” You say, in reference to your previous conversation. Joost chuckles, mumbling some curse under his breath, he’s flustered and it’s because of you. He unbuckles his belt impatiently, shifting slightly to pull his pants down as you do the rest for him, tugging on the rough material of his pants to fully take them off.
His legs are also littered with tattoos, similarly to his arms and your fingers instinctively trail up his thigh until they reach his underwear. You can see the outline of his hardened cock as you gently press your palm on top of it, earning a stifled groan from him.
“These can stay on,” You decide to tease him, Joost laughs at that.
“Fuck off,” He says, earning a smile from you.
Gladly, you think to yourself as your fingers play with the elastic waistband of his boxers.
Your eyes shift to his face briefly, quietly asking for his consent to which he nods at. With a final pull, his cock springs free from his boxers, reminding you of its big size. The tip is leaky with precum as you lick it, making Joost hiss at the sensation.
You take him in your mouth eagerly until the tip reaches the back of your throat, causing you to wince ever so slightly.
“Easy there,” Joost coos, pushing your hair out of the way for you and keeps it in a gentle grip as you skillfully begin to suck his cock. The way your mouth stretches around him coaxes a mixture of groans and curses to fall from his lips, his hold on your hair tightening. He looks down at you, still in your fancy little dress and on your knees for him, the sight turning him on all the more.
The fact that you’ve gotten so good at this makes him think of all the men you’ve probably been with after him and he can’t help but feel a little jealous at that.
“Like that,” His voice is breathy as he mumbles different kinds of praises to you, sending a rush of heat through your core. He starts guiding your head with gentle force, careful not to hurt you, slowly pushing his cock until it nudges the back of your throat . Your face feels hot and despite Joost’s gentleness, there are tears in the corners of your eyes, most definitely smudging your mascara and the dark eyeshadow on your eyelid.
Joost is close but he doesn’t want to come just yet, opting to come inside of you later. He pulls your head back slightly, drawing his cock out of your mouth with one last breathy moan.
You’re breathing heavily as you lock eyes with him, your lips swollen and eyes glossy with tears. He caresses your cheek with his big tattooed fingers, a soft smile lingering on his lips.
“You wanna get undressed too, baby?” He says in a low tone.
“Sure,” You mumble softly, getting up from your knees that are red from how long you’ve been sitting on the floor.
You take off your black boots that end just below your knees, uncovering the rest of your black patterned tights. Your fingers impatiently reach for the zipper to the back, fumbling with it until you finally loosen the silk dress you’re wearing, letting it fall to the floor as you stay in nothing but your black lingerie adorned with tiny bows here and there. Joost’s eyes linger on your body and he swears this is the sexiest thing he’s ever seen, noticing how beautifully your body has grown over the years and how confidently you stand in front him now, more like a woman and less like a girl.
You can sense his infatuation with you with the way he’s looking up at you and it only fuels your ego, a sudden cockiness coming through you.
“Are you just gonna stare?” You taunt him, Joost smiles at that.
“As if you don’t enjoy it,” He says, you assume he’s right.
He reaches his hands out to your hips, pushing you closer in between his legs as you place your arms loosely around his neck. He massages the area of your ass, though the material of your tights is in the way, preventing him from fully feeling your skin against his palms.
“Let’s take these off, shall we?” You smile in agreement and give him a small nod as he begins to lower your tights inch by inch, exposing the soft skin of your legs. Once they’re off, he presses wet open-mouthed kisses on your thighs, making your pussy clench around nothing but solely the idea of his mouth in between your folds, tasting you with his tongue as it swirls around inside of you.
The momentary fantasy draws loud sighs from your lips, correspondingly to the kisses Joost places on your skin. He notices, unable to hide the cocky smile on his lips as he starts moving higher, towards your stomach.
“Your bra,” he mutters, continuing his work on your body, “Take it off,”
You do as he says, trembling fingers rushing to unhook your bra, all the while Joost keeps on kissing your stomach that is rising up and down from your intense breaths. You pull your bra off, tossing it to the floor where the rest of your clothes are as Joost stares at your breasts, your nipples hardened as a result of his previous touch on your skin.
“You’re beautiful,” His small compliment sends a warmth to your face, a sweet smile forming on your lips and you can’t help but caress the sides of his face with your thumb.
You place one knee on the surface of the couch as you come face to face with Joost, giving him better access to the upper half of your body. Now that you’re this close to him, you notice the small stain that your red lipstick left on his lips earlier, letting out a small laugh at that.
He smiles, kissing you deeply on the mouth, jaw, collarbones, then finally your breasts. The tingling of his tongue on your nipples makes you moan quietly as he takes one of your tits in his mouth, sucking on the sensitive skin.
The inside of your thighs is practically burning with anticipation now as more moans fall from your lips. “Joost please,” You breathe out in desperation as he hums against your boobs, “I can’t wait any longer,”
“I get it baby,” Joost withdraws from your chest, places a peck near your lips then nods to his side, “Come on, lie down,”
You lie down on your bare back, resting your head against one of the pillows to get a better view of your body. Joost turns to you, his hands slowly sliding up your stomach as he gazes down at your naked body, the only thing covering it being your panties.
“Alright, you ready?” He asks, his voice soft.
“You make it sound as if I’m being drafted into the military,” You say, causing him to giggle.
“Just asking,” He slightly puts his hands up in the air, “It’s been a while,” He says ever so softly as you both share a smile, silently expressing how much you want this. To anyone else, it would just look like a casual hook up but to you it’s so much more than that, layered with feelings and memories.
“Okay, you have my consent,” You say slowly, your voice close to a whisper. He nods satisfied, planting one last quick kiss on your lips before his fingers find the waistband of your black lace panties. His cock is hard, falling on your inner thigh, an image that only adds to the heat you’re experiencing.
You lift your ass, only a little so that Joost can slip your panties off of your legs, not bothering to tease you much about it. The air of the room feels cold against your wet pussy, causing it to twitch as Joost mumbles some curse in Dutch.
“So wet for me,” He coos as he collects the wetness from your folds with a quick stroke of his tip, making you gasp, your thighs closing at the sudden friction. He props one hand close to your face for balance and lines his cock with your entrance before starting to push into you slowly. The sensation of your walls clenching around him inevitably lets a shared moan fall from your lips as Joost bottoms out, then begins to thrust into you in a controlled manner that makes your head dizzy with pleasure.
“You’re so tight schatje,” The pet name is familiar, yet you still fight back a smile at the sound of it.
You stare up at him in adoration; his bare chest is glistening in sweat, his blonde hair is messy and his lips are slightly parted as soft grunts escape them. He was and is still the most beautiful man to you, despite all the insecurities that linger on his mind.
You notice he’s kind of tired because he’s struggling to stay propped up on his arms above you and you wrap your arms around his back, pulling him down to your chest. His body is heavier against yours but you don’t care, you embrace him while he continues his deep thrusts to your core that gradually become faster.
The way he fucks you is so perfect that it drives you wild. He knows your body so well, knows all the right places to touch as his tip keeps on hitting that one spot inside of you, pushing you closer to your climax.
Joost is close too, burying his head on the crook of your neck as you feel his hot breaths and the vibrations of his groans on your skin.
Your fingers dig into the sticky flesh of his shoulders, your breaths are shallow and you can’t suppress your loud moans given the frantic pace at which Joost is now slamming his shaft into you.
You try to tell him but it seems like the only words you can utter right now are continuous curses in between your uncontrollable whimpers.
“I’m- fuck,” Joost breathes, “I’m coming baby, I promise,”
Before you can respond in any way, you’re driven over the edge. Your vision becomes blurry, the only things you can hear are your embarrassingly loud moans and Joost’s own groans as you come on his cock.
Joost follows shortly after your orgasm, his warm release spilling inside of you while he sloppily fucks every part of you.
“Fuck,” He exhales and collapses on top of you. Your fingers graze his back, trying to soothe the red marks that your fingernails left on him earlier. Joost places his arm around your waist as you both let your deep breaths fill the silence of the room.
You stay like this for a minute or so, then he carefully pulls out of you as you hiss slightly at the feeling.
-
You’re the last one to take a shower and as you come back to your bedroom, you see Joost lying comfortably between the pillows and your stuffed animals, an image you wish you could see everyday. You climb atop the bed, also lying down as you cuddle him without hesitation and he’s quick to wrap an arm around you as well.
“When are you leaving New York?” You ask, hoping for the answer to be never, despite how unrealistic that sounds.
“In two days,” You nod against his chest but really, you want to break out into tears at the simple thought of losing him again and so soon.
You feel him take a deep breath, “Joost?” You say, your voice barely above a whisper.
“Hm?”
“Can we spend the day together, tomorrow?”
He smiles even though you can’t see him, a bittersweet smile at that. He feels the same way as you, dreading the moment he’ll have to leave you, wanting to make up for the lost time. “Of course, liefste. Where do you wanna go?”
“I don’t know,” You mumble, “Oh! Maybe I’ll take you to my favorite restaurant, it’s not too far from here,”
“Okay, that sounds perfect,” His hands caress your hair and he leans down to place a reassuring peck on the top of your head.
You wish this moment would never end. If you could, you’d move with him back to the Netherlands tomorrow and start over, do everything right this time. But for now, all you can do is hold him tighter, make every moment count until he leaves. And then who knows? Maybe one day, you’ll be together again.
ᯓᡣ𐭩 F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)
CW: 18+, f! reader
cowgirl —You are on top of him softly moving up and down his length, his back is pressed on the couch, couldn't even wait to take you to bed, too eager when he came back home and found you wearing one of his shirts and nothing else underneath. And it is not just the visual that gets him, it is the knowing you are his, sitting on. his couch, wearing his shirt, with hickeys he left on you still fresh on your skin.
You feel his mind is wondering off a little but with at this point you can somewhat tell it is about you, it is always about you.
"Good?" Your voice sounds like warm honey, he is close.
"Perfect" Joost replies almost breathless.
He is holding you by the waist one strong hand massaging at your back and other holding tightly at the fat of your ass helping you move. The fabric from his shirt bunched up around your middle, but he wants more so he grabs at it and pulls it up revealing your tender skin, the bunched up fabric is close to your mouth before he speaks again.
"Open." It could sound demanding if only he wasn't so sweet, he doesn't really have to demand anything when he is so easy to spoil, so you just do as he says. He pushes the white fabric into your mouth and you bite down holding it in place.
He looks at you chest moving hypnotized the familiar heat on his gut bubbling and threatening to spill over soon, he thinks probably if you tried you could make him cum untouched but he doesn't say it too scared still of the possibilities that could open, his love is always bordering on obsession on fixation and fascination all at once, he never wants to overwhelm you but you can read him like the back of your palm, the way his hard picks up and his dick pulses inside you, you can see right though him like he is made of glass. He loves it.
His hand leaves the fat of your ass to travel to you lower belly pressing, he caresses at the soft flesh with his tattooed knuckles before softly pressing there, just to feel the muscles of your abdomen twitch under him. His hand settles right over your cunt petting soft circles on your clit that send waves of pleasure through your body and cause you to spasm all over him.
He pushes himself higher up on the couch grabbing you securely with one big palm on your back so you won't fall, on his new position his face is right in front your your breasts that are bouncing wildly with your new speed, right in front of his eyes and he is so starved, he always is. He must have been a saint in a past life to deserve this kind of treatment he thinks, makes mental note to thank his lucky star.
You grab harder at his shoulders, your nails dig into his skin, he likes that, the marks you leave to prove that he is yours. You raise to put all you weight on the ball of your feet so you can move faster, take him deeper, so close to your high you know he will follow.
"That is it baby, make yourself feel good for me." He loves it like this when you chase your pleasure using him, it is exhilarating to know you want him so bad.
He catches on of your tits with his mouth sucking greedily on you, feels you clench around his length, and happily smiles rubbing his face closer to your heart, the fact that your breasts are on the way is just a happy accident and he does enjoy the fast thumping of your heart, to feel you so close as if you are one. He sucks around your nipple hardly, bites softly at the sensitive skin and feels how you push against his touch, he lets go for a second looks at the tender skin shiny with his spit and red from his doing, he goes for the other repeating his treatment.
"You are enjoying yourself too much." You say with a smirk seeing how lost he is in the valley of your chest, he looks up at you still with your perfect bud between his lips, so tender swollen and shiny and smiles against the skin before he keeps sucking, he could live like this forever.
How do you think joost would react to reader squirting for the first time? 👀👀
oh he would go so crazy .... (,,>﹏<,,)
WARNING! Explicit RPF!
CW: 18+, f! reader, well squirting duh, not proof read etc.
Joost is thrusting deep into you hard and fast holding you by the thighs as he moves you easily, your back arches from the mattress like a bow about to snap but he doesn't let up at all, so completely lost in pleasure panting over you. He just came back from tour so he is more pent up than usual and more aggressive too as you are, you both wanted each other so bad you hadn't even touched yourself in his absence so it is no surprise you are extra sensitive.
"You are so wet schat, did you miss me that much?" He says.
"Yeah, wanted you-" You can't finish your sentence as he hits the spongey spot deep inside you that has you gushing around his length.
"What? What to you want?" He asks letting go of your side to put his hand in the middle of your chest he loves it, feeling you heart beat as your pussy pulses all around him.
"Wanted you to fuck me so bad, want you to cum inside me please." Tears are streaming down your face, words wet and whiny as you come every second closer to your high.
His hand sneaks down your torso feeling the plush warm skin covered in sweat, feeling the muscles of your stomach twitching, it feels so familiar the sweet warmth of your cunt but there is something else brewing under the surface.
He is pounding you into the mattress so hard you have to grab at the sheets with fists clenched so you won't hit your head against the headboard. His big palm travels south still splayed on your stomach but his thumb reaches for your clit and he starts pressing hard fast circles, his hand applies soft pressure right over where his dick is hitting deep into you.
"Joost wait-" You whine all of a sudden feeling a strange sensation deep inside your tummy. Your eyes go wide trying to find his but he is not even able to hear you over his budding orgasm sending a quick bolt of lighting to his spine.
He pulls your body closer to him as he thrusts deeply cumming on your pink walls with a loud moan, without meaning to he puts more weight on his hand that is resting on you and right as his pelvis hits your own you feel the biggest drop of your life, you feel the air leave your lungs as you uselessly try to warn him, your pussy clenches wildly all over his dick like you are having orgasm after orgasm rolling over your body, your eyes go white when you feel yourself squirting clear shiny liquid all over his lower stomach drenching him.
You scream loudly like a mad woman every nerve of your body completely fried, your back lifts completely from the mattress like the soft white fabric is burning you, the sensation doesn't stop a continuous line of pleasure taking over your body, you feel yourself throbbing, pulsing against him, the intrusion of his thick length against your walls is too much and you push at him as you scoot away desperate scared by the intensity of the pleasure.
He is looking at you fascinated, as soon as he felt the wetness his eyes kept jumping from your face broken in pleasure and horror, in delight and disgust so surprised by your own release; to your cunt so pretty, so open, so deliciously wet and clenching so hard on him he almost couldn't pull out when you pushed at him. He still finishes in you, some inside before you pulled away, some on the lips of your pussy that is completely drenched and shiny. He has never wanted to eat you out more badly than right now.
You are learning to breath again, your brain doing a superhuman effort to blink and inhale at the same time while he goes to grab at the back of your thighs to spread you for his viewing pleasure. He is completely hypnotized with the way your thigh hole is gaped and throbbing, clenching against nothing as bits of his own release drip from you. He reaches one hand to your core and pushes it back inside softly as you shy from his touch still too sensitive. You can only hear the sound of blood pumping in your ears.
"Again." You can barely register his words, you feel like he is speaking to you from underwater.
"What?" You whisper, throat dry from the screaming.
"Do it again schat." He is looking at you with big fascinated eyes, pupils blown wide.
"I don't think I can." You shake your head slightly, nervous with the way he is looking at you with so much hunger. "I didn't know that I could" You admit bewildered, still out of breath but he looks ready to go again.
"You can." He speaks so sure of himself like he is speaking it into existence.
"Joost-" You warn still a little dizzy from the hardest orgasm of your life.
"Please, please, I love you." He pulls you closer by the thighs, he is already hard again in an instant, you feel it as his wet dick starts rubbing against your folds, he pushes against his tip agains your clit so softly but it still makes you twitch.
"I need you baby." He looks famished, he looks pathetic, he looks like he is about to eat you whole at any second.
"Yes?" He asks like if you say no he might actually die, with big puppy eyes staring back at you it would take someone much stronger to say no so you just nod softly as he pushes inside you. And if you had any plans of walking the next day .... well good luck.
⋆˚☆˖°⋆｡° ✮˖ ࣪ ⊹⋆.˚
A/N: i need to start replying with just yes and no i cannot keep doing this lmao
CHANNELING ALL JOOST ENJOYERS THAT CAN ALSO CROCHET OR KNIT
I wanna crochet something to wear in winter that kinda pays hommage to this balaclava that is actually NOT a balaclava bc those are a sensory nightmare for me. So like a hat or scarf or idk SOMETHING with those horns.
Do you have any ideas what I should make and how? Any inspo would help!! 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
