Through Pro Wrestling, I've been able to do some pretty epic shit--like, actually be in the Pro Wrestling business.
But there's always this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that slowly eats away at what little sanity I have left. It's hard to explain other than to describe it as a voice in my mind, constantly saying, "You don't belong here."
It's nothing that anyone in the business has done. In fact, particularly since joining Vendetta Pro Wrestling in 2010, most people have tried to make me feel welcome.
This last weekend was my second time this year in Las Vegas for the purposes of Pro Wrestling. The show was being held in a strip club, and... I know this might sound funny to some of you, particularly those in the Los Angeles and San Francisco areas, but... it's really not an environment I'm comfortable in. Especially when there are menus featuring five figure prices--$20000 to be precise--as realistic. That's almost my entire annual pay. That would pay down my car in one shot. That's a down payment on a house. That would cut my student loan debt almost in half. I've never felt more broke in my life, and yet, I'm part of the team that's putting on this event? Sorry, that... that doesn't compute.
In addition, my performance was, well... was the drizzling shits.
Not entirely my fault, but the viewers at home doesn't know that, they just know that the commentator guy sucks, and it makes the entire presentation look weak. Here's where people say that we're our own harshest critics, and it probably wasn't as bad as you think, and.... I've went back and watched it. It's as bad as I think. Worse, in some cases. I wouldn't hire this person, and I am the person in question. So again, what am I doing here?
Even talked to one person about returning in some capacity to the promotion I was working with prior to--and for a time, simultaneously with--Vendetta Pro, but for one, I don't think I'd be welcome back. Two, the promotion has changed drastically from what it was before and there's nothing I do that they don't already have someone far superior doing. Three, and probably most important, I'm too old to start over again, again. I've grown apart from most of the people involved, I'm not trying to have to re-earn a spot, and truth be told, I didn't really do that much for them to begin with. Thanks, but no thanks.
I know part of that little voice that constantly tells me "You don't belong here" is from several years of being made to feel that way as a child--and in many cases, flat out told as much--but I've known pretty much all my life that the path I was meant to follow is to work at a job I hate for people I don't give a fuck about so that I can barely scrape by until I die in about fifteen more years and be forgotten like I should be. When I do anything different, my mind makes sure I don't forget.
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