Rushing Headlong out of control

Name's Josh. I'm an archivist at AMONH. I'm a history nerd.

[joshhakiminyc-blog]

jaxonanderson‌:

PM: I think you should have said it sooner.

PM: Probably. But even when I say how I feel, I’m the one being stupid. The one that takes things personally and the wrong way. I’m going to bed. 

[joshhakiminyc-blog]

mrcharlesjackson‌:

I didn’t say your feelings don’t matter. I’m saying that it’s not where I’m coming from. I don’t go out and fuck with you on purpose or cause I think it’ll hurt you. EVERYBODY REACHES OUT WHEN THEY ARE BORED. That’s the point. I don’t talk to anybody for weeks Josh, it’s not just you. It’s really not personal. I don’t do any of this to hurt you. You’re the one taking it this way. I’m sorry it’s not fucking rainbows and sunshine. That’s life.  But you’re not dirt and I don’t see you that way. I just think you take things the wrong way and make them super personal when it just isn’t. I’m not telling you-you can’t feel a certain way but don’t blame that on me and make me to be the bad guy. You actually think I do shit just to upset you or hurt you purposefully? Like what advantage does that even give me?

And I just am telling you how I feel. I’m not going to argue about it, I don’t care if you understand it. It’s how I feel. Find someone else to turn too, just don’t come to me. I’m out of order. Done. Goodbye.  

[joshhakiminyc-blog]

jaxonanderson‌:

PM: I’m glad you’ve finally stuck up for yourself, Josh. He deserves to get yelled at. Afte everything you’ve done for him and he still treats you like shit? No. You stick up for yourself and do not apologize for it.

PM: Mhmm... I know, I do.. but I still feel like I shouldn’t have said what I said...

[joshhakiminyc-blog]

jaxonanderson‌:

PM: Good. He deserved it. What’d you say?

PM: How he actually makes me feel... I still feel bad though. I’m not that person...

[joshhakiminyc-blog]

jaxonanderson‌:

You’ll never know unless you try.

PM: If you do go out there, I think you’ll need to stay clear of places you used to hang out. And your old friends that aren’t me… gotta go. You got to put new people and new places in your life out there.

PM: UGH! I went off on Charlie... Fuck. Everything I have ever felt just kind of came out... it felt really good... but I also feel really bad too.. fuck me. 

[joshhakiminyc-blog]

mrcharlesjackson‌:

I think you’re reaching. Sorry, I was going through it last week. You still came over anyway. I do care about you, but we’re not together anymore so I’m sorry it’s not the same. Also I reach out to you even when I’m doing okay and I just want your company so don’t act like I’m a terrible person for reaching out to someone who’s supposed to be my friend. And instead of basically making me feel bad cause you don’t have anyone to go with you to the beach, you could have just asked me to go with you and I would have said yes. You’re making this more than it is, Josh. Sorry for being honest. 

I’m always reaching though aren’t I? I am telling you how I fucking feel. How you make me feel. My feelings matter. And I’m over them not mattering. I always push back how I feel. You reach out when you're bored, sure you might be in a fine place, but you’re bored. When someone you are flirting with decides they don't want to flirt anymore or whatever. I’m your ex, we broke up not long ago, and when you reach out and want me around, it fucks with my head and my heart regardless of what you mean it to be. This is partly my fault too, for fucking letting it happen. For not sticking up for myself. I shouldn’t have come over the night you were really fucked up, but I was worried so I said fuck it. Pushed down the fact that I was still fucking hurt, just to come over and make sure that you were okay. You can go weeks without talking to me, weeks. Again I came over before because I worry, but I shouldn’t have gone over. So I’m not anymore. You make me feel like dirt, like something that can get throw away, something that isn’t worth anything. That is not up for debate, that is how I feel. How you make me feel. These aren’t new feelings either, I just finally feel like I can say them. 

[joshhakiminyc-blog]

mrcharlesjackson‌:

No. You’re being passive aggressive for no reason.

You’re going to move away because of me? Seems a bit dramatic but alright.

There is a lot of reasons to move back to LA. You might be one of them. Let’s be honest, you push me away when you are in a good place, and the moment that you get bored or lonely you want me around. And because I love you so much and I don’t apparently love myself as much I go and help you, just to get hurt again when you decide that you are good and better again and don’t really want or need me. And you tell me it’s for my own good for you to be distant, so you don’t hurt me. But you’ve already hurt me by making think you want me around in the first place. So if I am states away I won't do that anymore. Also, my family is out there and I miss them. Surfing is something I love and I can do out there more than I can here.  

But I guess this is just me being dramatic. 

[joshhakiminyc-blog]

mrcharlesjackson‌:

You’re being prissy. C’mon, Josh. It ain’t that deep.

We’re both adults here.

I was answering all of your questions. That’s all I was doing. Wasn’t trying to prissy with you. Wasn’t trying to be anything with you. Just trying to answer you. 

Maybe moving away would be better for me. 

[joshhakiminyc-blog]

mrcharlesjackson‌:

You act like I don’t know you. What’s with the sarcasm?

I’m just answering your question. And keeping distance as I thought we were going to do, at least what you were doing before. 

[joshhakiminyc-blog]

mrcharlesjackson‌:

You okay?

Peachy. Why? 

[joshhakiminyc-blog]

mrcharlesjackson‌:

Then ask someone to go with you. It’s a pretty simple solution.

I will ask my swarm of friends to come with me, great idea. 

[joshhakiminyc-blog]

jaxonanderson‌:

If it’s better for you, that’s a good reason too though, Josh. Somewhere for you to stay healthy…

I’m not sure if it’s better for me, but it might be... Not sure. PM: I have no idea if I will just relapse when I am back out there though... 

[joshhakiminyc-blog]

@Artie

[joshhakiminyc-blog]

hidden-artie-abrams‌:

Maybe it’s just a case of being back has made you feel nostalgic .  Once you’re back east again that feeling will calm down/

Well, I’m back home on the east coast, so it for sure hasn’t calmed down. I would need a job first before I even thought about it. 

[joshhakiminyc-blog]

ontheforcearthurf‌:

It was at  the time, but I’m not going to dwell on it anymore. But thanks man. I am very much alright now. I am hoping he will. 

How have you been anyway?

That’s a good plan, to be fair. I’m am glad that you are okay now. Fingers crossed man.

I’ve been really good, which is a good change of pace to be fair. 

[thedakotaswanson-blog-deactivat]

@ Josh

[joshhakiminyc-blog]

benjichambers‌:

I don’t think there’s anything else you can do after that.

There is nothing at all. You just walk away and then lay in bed late at night and relive the moment over and over again. 

[joshhakiminyc-blog]

mrcharlesjackson‌:

Well, it’s there if you need it.

I guess... but it doesn’t really feel the same as the beaches in LA. But yeah, I go to the shore... sad to go alone though. 

[joshhakiminyc-blog]

jaxonanderson‌:

But if there’s more for you to do out there, I wouldn’t blame you for moving back.

I don’t know if there is more for me to do, but I liked it out there. It was nice... different... more clear.