what's wrong is the people who make us feel unsafe

my name is josie jacob adams foster. i'm 13 and i love video games, nail polish, and hanging out with my best friend taylor. i have a giant family and two moms who are the best in the world.

[mrsstefadamsfoster]

Repairing Dreams || Stef, Lena, Mariana, & Josie

[josiejacobadamsfoster]

mrslenaadamsfoster‌:

~

Lena turned on her hip, facing her daughter and her wife. She patted Josie’s knee and pursed her lips together before speaking. “Mom and I really messed up, didn’t we? We should never have let things between us get so bad that we scared you guys so much.” She gave Josie’s leg a gentle squeeze. “I’m sorry, sweetpea. But we really are okay now. If you need time to believe that and to trust us, that’s okay.”

Josie shrugged one shoulder. She wanted to trust her moms. They were the first people, besides Callie obviously, that she could trust. And it sucked losing that. And she knew they loved each other, even when they were mad. They had always been clear that their love didn’t end with mistakes or fights - not for her, not for her siblings, not for each other. So it seemed like all the evidence pointed to things being alright. And yet... She leaned her head on Mama’s shoulder. “Okay,” she said softly. She let Mom take her hand and returned the gentle squeeze. “I love you guys.”

[mrsstefadamsfoster]

Repairing Dreams || Stef, Lena, Mariana, & Josie

[josiejacobadamsfoster]

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~

Lena watched as her daughter stood in the doorway, looking pensive and uncomfortable - not at all the demeanor they were used to from her anymore. “Come on,” she said, patting the bed beside her where Mariana had just vacated. “Come sit down and tell us what’s up.” Of course, she didn’t know for sure, but Lena had a feeling they had some more explaining to do. She sighed internally. How did they let this get so bad?

Josie made her way slowly into the room, perching hesitantly on the edge of Mariana’s bed as though she knew she ought not be there. She studied her feet for a long moment, feeling Mom and Mama’s eyes on her, before she spoke. “So everything’s really okay?” She hated the childish manner of the question, but she needed to hear the answer, needed to know if she could finally really let her guard down. Needed to trust her moms to handle everything, like they always did. 

[mrsstefadamsfoster]

Repairing Dreams || Stef, Lena, Mariana, & Josie

[josiejacobadamsfoster]

mrsstefadamsfoster‌:

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mrslenaadamsfoster‌:

~

“I know it seems sudden after everything that’s been going on. And I’m really sorry that we made you guys worry. In any relationship, when things get hard, you have to talk to each other and you have to listen. Mom and I quit listening and then we quit talking. But like Mom said, we’ve talked - and listened - and we’re okay now. I’m so sorry that we let things get that bad but I promise, we’re not going to let that happen ever again.”

“We’re going through a tough time right now, you’re right. And we haven’t been talking like we should. But I promise you, I am going to fix that. I’m gonna fix things with Mama. We. Are not. Breaking. Up.”

That’s what Mom had said to her earlier. And what Mama was saying sounded pretty similar. Maybe Mom really had fixed. Maybe they really were going to be okay. Mariana wanted so badly to believe it. She couldn’t imagine her moms splitting up after everything they’d been through. But part of her still wasn’t willing to accept it so easily. She had questions that she wanted answers to, but it was probably best to ask those questions without Josie around. She looked around from Mom to Mama and then to Josie. She couldn’t tell for sure how Josie was feeling but she thought maybe she believed them. “Good,” Mariana said, giving her sister a reassuring smile and deciding it would be better to talk to Moms later.

Stef met each of her daughters’ eyes and smiled, trying to convey that things really were okay. Lena’s contribution seemed to have convinced Josie, at least a little bit more. Mariana was harder to read. She leaned forward and gave Josie’s knee a squeeze. “Can we have a minute with your sister, love?”

Josie nodded, looking back and forth between her moms and Mariana. They probably wanted to talk to Mari about MIT, since she’d gone and blabbed to Mama. “Okay.” She started to get up, but Mom grabbed her hand and pulled her back down.

“We love you,” Mom said seriously. “Okay?”

“Okay,” Josie repeated, forcing a smile. This was all too weird. 

[mrsstefadamsfoster]

Repairing Dreams || Stef, Lena, Mariana, & Josie

[josiejacobadamsfoster]

mrsstefadamsfoster‌:

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~

Mariana looked apprehensively between her moms. Their hands were clasped and they seemed… normal. Which they had at dinner, too. In fact, she and Josie had come upstairs after dinner to talk about the sudden change in their behavior. Mariana wasn’t convinced it was genuine. After the talk she’d had with Mom earlier, it wouldn’t surprise her at all if they were putting on some act to try and make it seem like things were back to normal so she’d change her mind. It felt too sudden and too drastic a change to be genuine. “Uh, sure,” she said, glancing at Josie before pivoting to face more toward them, making a little bit of room on the edge of the bed.

Mariana and Josie both looked skeptical, but Stef pretended that she didn’t notice and perched on the side of the bed. Josie scooted over too, making a spot for Lena at the foot. Stef glanced back at her wife, not totally sure where to start this conversation. “Well,” she said after a moment, “Mama and I just wanted to let you guys know that we’re okay. We know you both were concerned, and we want you to know that we talked and we worked our things out. Okay?”

Josie looked at Mariana, trying to determine if her sister was buying this. Mom seemed sure and steady, like she always did, but for once Josie didn’t find that reassuring. It seemed too good to be true, such a dramatic change from the cold shoulder and distance that had ruled the house the last few weeks. She wanted it to be true. She wanted her moms to be okay and good and in love and able to do anything. But she was old enough to know that fairytales were fictional. “Okay...” she replied hesitantly, looking to Mama for corroboration. 

[josiejacobadamsfoster]

Comfort || Josie & Mom

It seemed like Mom was trying to make up for her absence the past couple of weeks with an intense presence now. She had made breakfast for everyone, pancakes with warm syrup and fresh fruit plus fresh-squeezed orange juice, which was Mama’s favorite. Then she’d insisted on doing something with Josie, some “quality time” just the two of them. It was kind of weird - like Mom was trying too hard - but Josie didn’t turn down her offer of midday popcorn and a movie. 

As she was putting in their well-loved copy of The Princess Bride, Mom commented, still facing the TV, “Mama and I are not getting a divorce.”

The subject caught Josie off guard, since she wasn’t expecting it, but she wasn’t surprised that Mama had told Mom about her fears. “I know,” she replied, nodding. 

Mom turned around. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” She nodded again. 

“Okay.” Mom stood up, leaning against the TV cabinet for support, and grabbed the remotes. She came to sit next to Josie on the couch, who leaned against her automatically. “We love you guys,” Mom continued, giving Josie a bit of a squeeze.

“I know.”

Mom half-smiled, then kissed Josie’s shaggy hair. “I love you, munchkin.”

“I know,” Josie repeated. But it was still nice to hear it

[mrslenaadamsfoster]

Narc || Lena & Josie

[josiejacobadamsfoster]

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~

Lena didn’t understand. How could she and Stef’s relationship problems ever be Mariana’s fault? And why did she think not going to MIT would fix them? Lena sighed to herself. Those were questions for Mariana, not for Josie. “You were right,” Lena said gently. “We’re not going to get a divorce and it wouldn’t be Mariana’s fault, or any of yours, if we did.” Lena draped her arm around Josie’s shoulder and kissed the top of her head. “But we’re not,” she assured her before looking down at her, smiling. “You’re a good sister.” Lena squeezed Josie against her side before patting her arm and letting her go. “Ready to head back to class?” 

Josie let herself melt into Mama’s embrace and absorb her love and praise. Even though she didn’t exactly feel like a good sister, having just spilled half of Mariana’s secret. But the hug felt good, so she put it out of her mind. She was reluctant to go to study hall, but nodded anyway. “Sure, yeah.” She pushed herself up from the sofa. “I’ll see you after school, Mama.”

[mrslenaadamsfoster]

Narc || Lena & Josie

[josiejacobadamsfoster]

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~

Lena’s eyebrows rose and her mouth gaped in shock before she could conceal it. Dammit. She wasn’t under the delusion that the kids didn’t know something was going on between her and Stef. Anyone who spent even five minutes with the two of them would feel and see the tension. But she didn’t think it was this bad. They had done a decent job at being civil when the kids were around. At least she thought they had. Lena sighed and leaned forward with her elbows on her knees, looking down at her lap for a moment before meeting Josie’s eyes again. “No, sweetheart. Mom and I are not going to get a divorce,” she said with conviction because she believed it and she wanted Josie to believe it, too. But still, Lena chewed on her bottom lip for a moment. Maybe they weren’t going to get a divorce but what were they going to do? They couldn’t keep going on like they were. Lena knew that. But if Stef wasn’t even willing to see the problem, how could they find a solution? A new wave of anger and frustration at her wife started to inch up Lena’s spine so shook the thoughts from her mind. She had something else more pressing to deal with at the moment. She squeezed Josie’s knee and gave her a small smile. “Look, you guys are all old enough to know that sometimes parents fight. We’re human and we make mistakes and part of a relationship is navigating hard times together, even when together feels pretty lonely.” And right now it felt very, very lonely, she thought. “But that doesn’t mean we’re going to get a divorce. We just have some things to work through and I’m so sorry that we’ve made you guys worry about that. Mom and I love each other very much. We’re just going through a bit of a rough patch right now. That’s it, okay?” Lena squeezed Josie’s knee again. Then her eyebrows drew together and her lips pulled to one side as another thought came to mind. “What does that have to do with Mariana changing her mind about MIT?”

Josie’s shoulders hunched over, the tension in Mama’s voice seeping into her own body. Mama’s words might be reassuring, but her tone wasn’t. She sounded equally sure and unsure as she spoke. She was clearly telling the truth, and she clearly loved Mom, but... Something was still... wrong. “Okay,” she agreed reluctantly, nodding. But then Mama kept going, and this was the question Josie had tried to divert from. She thought fast, and settled on sticking with the same lie Mariana had told Mom about the distance. “She doesn’t want to go far away...and then have you guys get a divorce and have it be her fault.” Josie hung her head momentarily, then looked up and spoke quickly. “I told her you weren’t gonna get a divorce and even if you did it wouldn’t be her fault, but she still said she isn’t gonna go to MIT anymore.” 

[mrslenaadamsfoster]

Narc || Lena & Josie

[josiejacobadamsfoster]

mrslenaadamsfoster‌:

~

“But she still wants to go,” Lena discerned from what Josie was and wasn’t saying and when she looked to her lap, Lena knew she was right. “Sweetheart, did she tell you why?” Lena asked, her confusion over the situation on her face, in her near-pleading voice. “I just don’t understand what would make her give up on this dream that she’s had for so long. That she worked so hard for. Did she–” Lena hesitated for just a moment before continuing with the question. “Did she tell you anything else?”

“She’s worried,” Josie answered, but then stopped herself. She couldn’t share Mariana’s secret like this. She’d already said too much. But now Mama was looking at her with tender confusion, almost desperation. Could she bring this back? Maybe if she made it about herself, not her sister... “And I am too,” she continued, looking up and meeting Mama’s eyes. “Are you and Mom gonna get a divorce?” 

[mrslenaadamsfoster]

Narc || Lena & Josie

[josiejacobadamsfoster]

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~

Lena’s eyes narrowed just a bit, though she made a great effort to keep her face as neutral as possible. Josie was being vague in that way she was when she had something to say but was trying not to. It wasn’t something they saw as often anymore but during her first year or so living with them, she had done it a lot. “So, she told you she doesn’t want to go to MIT?” Lena clarified. She wouldn’t push much more. She was already bordering on uncomfortable in the territory she was in. This wasn’t the kind of thing she did unless there was risk of actual danger to one of her kids. But despite Josie’s assurance that Mariana was fine, Lena was still worried. What Josie as a child and a sister thought was fine and what Lena as a parent thought was fine were bound to be different. And, she thought to herself, she did plan on talking to Mariana that evening. She just wanted a better idea of what was going on because Mariana was almost as secretive as Callie and a lot better at lying. If Mariana didn’t want Lena to know, Lena wouldn’t know. Unless she had some kind of upper hand going in.

“Not... exactly,” Josie hedged, stuttering a little. Mama knew all the right questions to ask and all the right ways to ask them. Everyone thought Mom was the interrogator, and usually she was, but Mama could certainly hold her own in that department. She got you to tell things without even realizing you were. She made you feel so safe, your secrets just slipped out. Josie scratched her hair, pixie cut at the uncomfortable growing-out stage where no amount of styling products made it look good. “She... told me she’s not gonna go to MIT.” Josie’s voice went up at the end of her sentence, though it wasn’t a question. 

[mrslenaadamsfoster]

Narc || Lena & Josie

[josiejacobadamsfoster]

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~

Lena studied her daughter and her nervousness told her what Josie did not. She knew. Maybe she knew everything, maybe she only knew part of it. But she knew. More than Lena knew herself, more than Stef knew. Something was going on and she didn’t really need Josie to tell her anymore but that didn’t stop her from trying to get a little info out of her. It would be a hell of a lot easier to unriddle this puzzle the more she had to work with. She folded her hands in her lap and leaned a little closer. “She told Mom last night that she doesn’t want to go to MIT because it’s too far away but that doesn’t sound like Mariana. Has she talked to you about it? Is there something going on that Mom and I should know about? I’m pretty worried about her.” That was true. This was such an abrupt change of heart, it didn’t sit right with Lena at all. She had already checked her academic standing that morning and everything was as perfect and spotless as ever. So there wasn’t anything there that she was hiding. But Lena also knew her kids weren’t perfect - not even the ones who tried to be. Mariana had gotten into trouble in the past, making some really poor (and illegal) choices. Despite her seemingly squeaky clean track record since, Lena wasn’t above suspicion when it was deserved.

Josie bit her lip, hesitant to give anything away but wanting to reassure her mother. “I don’t think there’s anything going on really,” she hedged, shaking her head. “Nothing to be worried about anyway.” That was true, and didn’t break Mariana’s confidence. But Mama looked like she was waiting for more, so Josie continued, admitting, “I talked to her last night. She’s.... okay. She told me about MIT.” Again, small nuggets of truth. Hopefully enough to satiate Mama’s curiosity and comfort her fears without spilling Mariana’s secrets. They’d gotten closer ever since Josie’s transition, and even more so when Callie left for college, and Josie wanted her sister to keep trusting her. When she was younger, she had always been the weak link, the one Moms went to for the truth. She was a terrible liar, almost as bad as Jesús, and her strong sense of integrity usually had her confessing without much pressure. But this wasn’t her news to share, and she vowed to protect her sister.

[mrslenaadamsfoster]

Narc || Lena & Josie

[josiejacobadamsfoster]

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~

Lena tilted a knowing smile at her daughter who was standing in the middle of the room looking as nervous as a mouse in a snake pit. “Nothing’s wrong, you’re not in trouble. I just want to ask you about something.” When Josie still didn’t move, Lena got up and moved to the couch by the door. She wasn’t Josie’s Principal right now. She was her mom, wanting to have a conversation with her daughter. “C’mon,” she patted the seat beside her. “Come sit with me.” Josie hesitated while Lena patiently waited until finally she crossed and perched on the edge of the couch. Lena debated for a moment just how she wanted to broach the subject but decided direct was probably the best method with Josie. She didn’t miss a beat, this one, and if Lena went digging for info on the sly, she’d pick up on it and it would likely close her off immediately. “Has Mariana said anything to you about not wanting to move away for college?”

Josie thought for a moment before accepting Mama’s offer, still sitting a distance away, because after all, they were in school. But the question made her freeze again, for a different reason this time. Mama knew. That was the only possible answer. But on the off chance she didn’t, Josie didn’t want to give anything away. Mariana had told her that in confidence. “Umm...” she replied, dragging the syllable out, her gaze persistently on her hands. She chanced a glance up. Mama looked curious, open, gentle. There was no sign of hidden anger -- but then again, Mama was pretty good at hiding her anger, especially if it was about Mom and in front of them. “Sorta?” she tried, scrunching her brow as she made eye contact again. 

[mrslenaadamsfoster]

Narc || Lena & Josie

That morning Lena had asked Josie to come see her at school during her study hall period. She needed to have Josie alone, possibly for an extended amount of time, and that was damn near impossible at home. It was almost one in the afternoon. Lena had already messaged Josie’s teacher to let him know Josie would be late and now she was waiting in her office for her daughter to show up. Two minutes after the bell rang, Lena had pulled out her phone to text Josie when there was a knock on the doorjamb. “Hey, Jos.” She smiled at her daughter. She didn’t want her to think she was in trouble. She’d been pretty cryptic that morning, not considering until afterwards that Josie would probably worry about this change in schedule. “Close the door and have a seat.”

[josiejacobadamsfoster]

Josie had been nervous all morning, and half-expected Mom to be waiting in Mama’s office too. But Mom and Mama were hardly ever in the same room these days. Had she done something wrong? She wasn’t failing a class, was she? But Mama didn’t look angry, or even really worried. Just kind of... stressed. But she looked like that most of the time these days. “Okay,” Josie replied cautiously, pushing the door shut behind her. “What’s going on?” She didn’t sit yet, wary of whatever topic was coming. She had no clue what it could be, none at all, which made her more anxious than ever. So she hovered halfway between the door and Mama’s desk, wringing her hands.

[miss-thing-adamsfoster]

Pants on Fire || Mariana & Josie

[josiejacobadamsfoster]

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~

“It will be if there was something I could have done to help and I didn’t do it.” It didn’t matter what Josie said. Mariana knew she was just trying to be nice, to look on the bright side. Josie always did. But Mariana had made up her mind and nothing got in Mariana’s way when she made up her mind. That’s how she got into MIT in the first place. “Look, I’m not going to MIT so just let it go, okay?” She turned a deadly, serious gaze on her sister. “And you can’t tell anyone for any reason. Got it?”

Josie sighed. She knew there was nothing she could do to convince her sister otherwise, so she let that go along with the other piece of news. “Okay. I got it.” She stood up, vacating Mariana’s bed and heading towards the door. Before she opened it, she stopped and turned. “I’m sorry I eavesdropped. And... sorry you won’t get to go to MIT.” Before Mariana could reply, she fled, out the door and finally to the bathroom, the trip she’d started nearly twenty minutes prior.

[miss-thing-adamsfoster]

Pants on Fire || Mariana & Josie

[josiejacobadamsfoster]

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~

Mariana shrugged. “I’ve been applying to lots of scholarships and I have like more than a third of the tuition covered right now but… It’s not enough. MIT is crazy expensive and if I stay here then they can stop fighting about Mom working more. You know how Mom is with money. She freaks out and you can’t get through to her at all.” Mariana straightened her back and tilted her chin up in defiance. “This will get through to her. And then they’ll be okay and they won’t split up because of me and things can just go back to normal.”

Josie hated to admit it, but Mariana was right. Mom was super weird about money. Grandma Sharon said she didn’t have “an abundant mindset, “ whatever that meant. And MIT was expensive, more than 3 times as much as UCSD. She’d googled it, curious, when she first heard Mom make a passing remark about how expensive college would be for all of them. With a sigh, she consented. “Okay. It’s your choice. But moms won’t split up, even if you go to MIT.” She said it with more confidence this time. Then, softer, “And even if they do, it won’t be your fault.”

[miss-thing-adamsfoster]

Pants on Fire || Mariana & Josie

[josiejacobadamsfoster]

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~

Mariana sighed and turned to face Josie straight on. “You remember like a week ago when Mama was like, super mad during dinner and trying to pretend she wasn’t? And then the next day she and Mom like didn’t say a single word to each other and it’s been super awkward and tense ever since?” Josie nodded and Mariana continued. Everyone in the house was aware something was going on. Only Mariana knew what. “Well, that night I went down for some water and heard them fighting after Mom came home from work so late again. They were fighting about money and about Mom working so much. She hasn’t been working on her cases. She’s been working the beat – like she used to. To make more money.” Mariana’s eyes dropped down to her lap. “Because MIT is so expensive.” She was quiet for a minute before shrugging her shoulders up to her ears. When she continued, she spoke to her lap. “So, I decided to stay home and go to UCSD instead. It’s way cheaper and I can live at home so they save the money on my housing, too.” When she looked back up at Josie, there were tears welling in her eyes but she refused to let them fall. “I’ve never seen them mad at each other like this before. Not for this long and not like this, not… talking, barely looking at each other. It’s… It doesn’t matter what school I go to. As long as they stay together and things go back to normal, it doesn’t matter.”

Josie looked down at the carpet, trying to give her older sister some privacy for what was clearly a difficult confession to make. And it all made sense - moms fighting, Mom being gone all the time, and Mariana’s decision, too. “They’re not gonna split up,” she said, not sounding nearly as confident as she wanted to. She was tempted to add, “Are they?” but it wasn’t the time to ask for big sisterly comfort, at least not from Mari. Right now Mari was the one who needed comforting. So she continued, “And you’ll get scholarships and stuff at MIT, right? You already have that STEM scholarship from Anchor Beach, and didn’t you apply for one for being adopted? And you’ll get the regular financial aid like Callie gets, too. And Mom’s been home more lately, you know? So maybe she figured out a way to make it work.”

[miss-thing-adamsfoster]

Pants on Fire || Mariana & Josie

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~

Mariana’s lips pursed tight and she crossed her arms tight over her chest. She knew Josie was just pulling that shit to guilt trip her into telling her. She let her sit with that stupid look on her face for another minute before rolling her eyes, standing up and crossing back to her bed. She gave Josie’s shoulder a shove and plopped down beside her. “You can knock off the guilt trip. Do you really think you can pull that little sister shit on me? I grew up with Brandon and Jesús. I’m three minutes older than Jesús and I can still little-sister him.” She cocked an eyebrow before rolling her eyes. “Look, if I tell you, you have to swear. On. Your. Life. That you won’t say anything to moms. I mean it, okay? Like, Girl Code, Sister Code, everything.”

Josie sat up excitedly when Mariana said the words, “if I tell you.” She was nodding already, agreeing emphatically to anything Mariana said. “Of course, I promise, I swear. I won’t say anything to anyone. Not Mom, not Mama, not Jesús, not anyone. Cross my heart.” She traced an X on her chest with a pointer finger. “Now. Dish,” she demanded, patting the comforter.

[miss-thing-adamsfoster]

Pants on Fire || Mariana & Josie

[josiejacobadamsfoster]

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~

Mariana shot Josie an annoyed look, wrinkling her nose and pursing her lips. “My lying voice? Really?” She scoffed. “I’m not giving up on it.” Her voice grew condescending as she continued. “I’m making a choice and my choice is to stay at home and go to UCSD.”

“But you don’t want to stay at home!” Josie exclaimed, gesturing emphatically. “So there’s got to be some other reason that you’re making this choice, and I want to know what it is, because it’s definitely not about how far away Boston is!” She paused. There was one more angle she could come at this from if she really wanted the truth from Mariana, but it was a low blow. Was it worth it? Plunging recklessly on, she said, “Look, you might not want to tell Mom the truth, but I’m your sister. I thought we were close.” She gazed at Mariana, her soft brown eyes pleading. “I can’t believe you’d lie to me.”