Mariana AF

Some call me a princess. Some call me a diva. Call me whatever you like. At the end of the day, I'm the only me there's ever going to be.

[mrsstefadamsfoster]

Repairing Dreams || Stef, Lena, Mariana, & Josie

[miss-thing-adamsfoster]

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mrslenaadamsfoster‌:

~

“We both should have been here for you,” Lena said because she was just as much at fault as Stef. “And I’m sorry that we were so wrapped up in our problems that we didn’t see how it was affecting you. Next time, please come to us anyway. We are always going to be here for you, even when we have our own mess going on. Okay?”

Mariana nodded. “Okay. I’m sorry,” she said again.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for, sweetheart,” Lena told her before placing a kiss on the top of her head.

“We love you, Miss Thing, and we are so proud of you,” Stef added, reaching out to tweak her ponytail lovingly again. “And we’re all gonna do things differently in the future, right?” She gave her daughter a wink, then stretched her arms out in front of her, popping her elbow. “Starting with popcorn and a movie, maybe?” she suggested, grinning again. “Big family movie night?”

“Yeah.” A smile slowly pulled across face and she buried it in her shoulder as she nodded. “Can we watch Beauty and the Beast? For old times’ sake?” She had driven the whole family crazy when she was little, asking for it every single time it was her turn to pick the movie. But it had been a long time since they watched it together and since she was, apparently, going to MIT, they probably wouldn’t get to watch it together for even longer.

Mama beamed down at her and squeezed her hand. “Sure. If you can convince your brothers.” She raised her eyebrows in that way Mama always did and Mariana laughed.

“As if they have a choice,” she said with confidence as she pushed herself off the bed. Before heading for the door, she turned and faced her moms. “You guys are the best moms ever. I love you.” She let them both return the sentiment but darted out of the room before they could get too mushy again or they’d never get downstairs and now she really wanted to watch Beauty and the Beast. But she really did have the best moms ever.

[mrsstefadamsfoster]

Repairing Dreams || Stef, Lena, Mariana, & Josie

[miss-thing-adamsfoster]

mrsstefadamsfoster‌:

mrslenaadamsfoster‌:

~

“I love you guys, too,” Mariana said as she shrugged her shoulders up to her ears. “I’m glad you’re not breaking up.” She was still biting back a smile, her cheeks flushing pink. She leaned in against Stef, who kissed the top of her head, and then rocked back the other way into Lena’s chest.

Lena wrapped her arms around her daughter, pulling her in close, and asked, “So, does that mean you’re going to MIT?”

After a moment in which Lena thought she might explode with anticipation, Mariana nodded. Lena squealed and squeezed her tight as a smile broke across her face. The tightness around her heart released and she felt so much relief she thought she might float away. They may have made some mistakes but all wasn’t lost. They were able to mend things after all.

Stef reached out to rub Mariana’s shoulder enthusiastically, joy exploding at the affirmation. As long as that had been restored, anything felt possible. She grinned at Lena, who looked as glad as she felt. Then she looked at their daughter, who looked more relaxed than she had in over a week. 

She let the happy moment sit for a minute, and then spoke up. “Babe, you know you can talk to us, right? About anything?” She needed to hear it affirmed once more, though she was sure Mariana was sick of them reminding her. She needed to know that it wouldn’t get to this point again.

Mariana sighed and sat up, pulling out of Mama’s hug. Her smile tilted to one side as she pressed her lips together and looked over at her mom. “I know. I’m sorry. I should have come to you guys. It’s just... I mean,” she scrunched her nose and shrugged, “you guys haven’t exactly been very approachable lately.” It was true. Everyone in the house had avoided any conversation with them that wasn’t completely necessary or wasn’t just small talk. A big, important conversation like this was not something she would have done voluntarily if they’d paid her.

[mrsstefadamsfoster]

Repairing Dreams || Stef, Lena, Mariana, & Josie

[miss-thing-adamsfoster]

mrslenaadamsfoster‌:

mrsstefadamsfoster‌:

~

Stef felt her heart crack at Mariana’s admission. “Oh, love,” she exclaimed sadly, scooting closer to Mariana and laying a hand on her shoulder. “Hey. You are not responsible for my decisions, okay?” My bad decisions, she added internally. “Like Mama said, college is expensive for everyone and we’re certainly concerned about that, but we knew that was part of the job when we decided to have kids. Okay? We have always wanted you all to succeed and reach your goals, especially academically, and we are so proud of you for getting into MIT. That was your job, okay, babe, and you did it. We’ll handle the money, I promise. You’ve applied to scholarships, you’ll get financial aid, and you’ll take out some loans.” She didn’t love the idea of her daughter going into debt at 18, but she knew it was a pretty normal thing these days. “We will absolutely let you do your part to help pay for school,” she added teasingly, tugging on Mariana’s ponytail like she always did when she was younger. “But we’ll work it out together, okay?” 

When Mariana continued to look down at her lap, despite Stef saying all the right things in a way that should have convinced the most doubtful, Lena took a long breath and wrapped her hand around Mariana’s. “Sweetheart,” she said gently but with a firmness that couldn’t be ignored, “We’re telling you that the cost of MIT is something we’re concerned about because we want to be honest with you. You’re old enough to know that we work hard to give you guys what you have, that it’s not unlimited, and that it’s not guaranteed that we’ll always be able to give you everything you want. But what is guaranteed is that we will always do everything we can to make sure you have everything you need and as much as you want that’s within our means. If it was not within our means for you to go to MIT, we would have told you that. Have we ever told you anything other than how proud and excited we are that you’re going to MIT?”

Mariana’s eyes drifted up, looking from Lena to Stef and back again. “No,” she finally said with the smallest shake of her head as she bit back a sheepish smile.

“Then, Miss MIT,” Lena raised her eyebrows as a knowing smirk played at the corners of her mouth, “will you please quit with this craziness and stop trying to deprive us of the honor of being parents of an MIT graduate?”

Despite the glow of hope that had reignited in her chest, Mariana worried her lower lip as she looked between her mothers again. With a determined breath she squared her shoulders and said, “You guys have to promise me one thing.” Her moms glanced at each other then looked back at her. “Okay.” “Anything,” they said together. “You have to promise to keep being honest with me,” Mariana told them. “If anything changes and it’s too expensive. Or if the stress of it is making you guys fight again. Or... anything. You have to tell me if there’s a reason I might want or need to transfer somewhere less expensive. If I’m going to trust you then you have to trust me, too, and let me make the decisions that are right for me. Even if it’s not what you wanted for me.” She spoke with the certainty and confidence that they had worked so hard to teach her and model for her. Maybe sometimes she still had to fake it but she knew that some day she’d be as strong and sure as her moms all the time because they had given her the tools to be and she wouldn’t stop trying until she was. 

[mrsstefadamsfoster]

Repairing Dreams || Stef, Lena, Mariana, & Josie

[miss-thing-adamsfoster]

mrsstefadamsfoster‌:

mrslenaadamsfoster‌:

~

Lena sighed to herself. They had really messed things up and it seemed a simple explanation wasn’t going to cut it. She scooted a little closer to Mariana, seeking out Stef’s hand behind her back because she wasn’t oblivious to the guilt her wife was still dealing with but at the moment, it was the only solace she could offer. “It wasn’t because Mom was working extra shifts. Not really. I was mad that she was working so much and that didn’t tell me that she was working the beat. But I used that as an excuse to be angry and passive aggressive instead of telling her that I was scared.”

Mariana looked up at her, her eyebrows tugging together and her mouth turning down. “Scared of what?”

“You’re really excited about going to college, right?” 

Mariana looked confused but nodded her head.

“And also a little scared? Because it’s such a big change?”

Mariana nodded again.

“Well, Mom and I are facing a really big change this fall, too. Three of you are leaving for college and Josie’s going to be the only one here with us full-time.”

“Yeah, but shouldn’t that be, like, exciting or something?” Mariana asked and Lena gave a small laugh through her nose, nodding.

“Yes. And it is. But it’s also scary. The last time Mom and I only had one kid, Brandon was little and needed us a lot more than Josie will as a teenager. So now we have to figure out who we are and how we fit together without all the demands of motherhood to keep us busy.” Lena shrugged. It sounded a little silly saying it out loud to one of her kids. Maybe she and Stef were both crazy but at least they both seemed to get it. “I know it probably doesn’t make any sense to you but the point is, that’s what we talked about and that’s why we’re okay now.”

Mariana shook her head and smiled a half-smile up at Lena. “No, I get it. Before Brandon decided to stay at home for a year, I used to wonder what it would be like to live here without him. He’s always been here and even though Josie would still be here, too, I would wonder if it would be weird for it to be just us.” She shrugged and her back relaxed for the first time since they’d come into her room. 

Stef closed her eyes lightly as she listened to her wife and daughter talk. As she listened to Lena give Mariana the honesty she needed with exactly the right boundaries of what was appropriate to share with their children. As she was in awe once again of how incredible her life partner was, and how lucky they were to have found and chosen each other, and to keep choosing each other. At the same time, she could still feel the tug of shame deep in her stomach, and that was what she had to fend off before she could look Mariana in the face again. 

“Being a family is hard,” she added, swallowing down her feelings and focusing on the conversation. “And one of the most important things is that we communicate with each other, right? Mama and I ran into trouble when we stopped communicating, when we hid things from each other or didn’t say what we felt, even if we were doing it for good reasons. Even if I was trying to keep Mama from worrying about me, or Mama didn’t want me to be hurt, or we both want to protect you kids. The most important thing is that we’re honest with each other. Yes?” When Mariana nodded, she gave her daughter a gentle smile. “And that means you need to be honest with us, too. Miss Thing, it is never your job to solve problems by yourself, alright? If you’re worried about money, or me and Mama, or college, those are things you should tell us. Those are problems we can solve together. That’s what families are for.”

Mariana dropped her eyes down to her lap, her shoulders inching up to her ears. But as guilty as she felt, because she should have at least been honest with her moms, her resolve didn’t weaken any. Whether or not Moms were okay didn’t change the fact that they just couldn’t afford for her to go to MIT. Maybe they were willing to make sacrifices to try and make it happen but she wasn’t going to let them do that. Parents weren’t the only ones who had to make sacrifices sometimes. “I’m sorry,” she said after a long pause that her mothers didn’t interrupt. “I should have talked to you. But I guess I didn’t really see the point. We can’t afford it MIT and talking about it isn’t going to change that.”

[mrsstefadamsfoster]

Repairing Dreams || Stef, Lena, Mariana, & Josie

[miss-thing-adamsfoster]

mrsstefadamsfoster‌:

~

Stef felt something harden in her stomach; it took a moment to identify that it was fear. Fear that, despite her two-part reconciliation with Lena today, she had damaged her family beyond repair. Fear that her daughter, who looked at her with strength and demanded answers with such maturity, would never look at her the same again. She glanced over at Lena, only to meet her wife’s steady gaze and duck her eyes back down. She was still too ashamed of her own behavior to even begin to tell her children the details, but the sour bite of guilt at the back of her throat also prevented her from forcing Lena to explain this. She sighed, and then met her daughter’s eyes, which were hard and determined in a way that reminded her of herself and of her wife.

“You’re right that I was working extra because I was worried about next year,” she started. “But I wasn’t just working my regular job. I was covering some patrol shifts, too, helping out my captain.” Mariana’s gaze was unwavering, though a hint of anxiety had creased the skin of her forehead. “And I didn’t tell Mama,” Stef admitted, her head dipping towards her lap in shame, “which was wrong of me.”

Mariana’s demeanor didn’t soften, though she was surprised that Mom didn’t blow her off with a “none of your business” and leave it at that. But she still didn’t really understand. “Okay, but even after you were back to being home, you guys still weren’t talking. I mean, we were all ready for you to tell us you were splitting up. And I’m supposed to believe it was because Mom was just working extra and now everything’s fine and back to normal just like that? None of this makes any sense.”

[mrsstefadamsfoster]

Repairing Dreams || Stef, Lena, Mariana, & Josie

[miss-thing-adamsfoster]

mrslenaadamsfoster‌:

josiejacobadamsfoster‌:

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~

Stef met each of her daughters’ eyes and smiled, trying to convey that things really were okay. Lena’s contribution seemed to have convinced Josie, at least a little bit more. Mariana was harder to read. She leaned forward and gave Josie’s knee a squeeze. “Can we have a minute with your sister, love?”

Josie nodded, looking back and forth between her moms and Mariana. They probably wanted to talk to Mari about MIT, since she’d gone and blabbed to Mama. “Okay.” She started to get up, but Mom grabbed her hand and pulled her back down.

“We love you,” Mom said seriously. “Okay?”

“Okay,” Josie repeated, forcing a smile. This was all too weird. 

Lena wrapped her arm around Josie’s shoulders and pulled her into a side hug. “We can talk some more later if you want, okay? But Mom and I have some things we need to talk to Mariana about first.” She kissed Josie’s temple before her daughter stood, nodding but not saying anything else. “Thank you, baby,” she said as Josie left the room, closing the door behind her without needing to be asked.

Lena was poised to speak but when she turned back to her older daughter, Mariana sat with her arms folded over her chest, eyebrows arched and lips pursed with an air of familiar strong-willed attitude.

“I know what you’re going to say,” Mariana said before Mama had a chance to even start. “But I’m not going to even talk about it until you guys answer some questions.” Her back was stiff with defiance, though underneath the demanding attitude, she was scared of the answers she might get.

Her moms shared a look before Mama said, “Okay...”

Mariana steeled herself with a deep breath. “That little speech might have worked on Josie but I’m not a kid. You guys have never had a fight like that. I know it was about money and about Mom working all the time, trying to be able to pay for MIT. But even after I decided not to go, nothing changed. So what else is going on? And how do you go from not speaking, not even wanting to be in the same room to... completely fine just like that?” As she looked between her mothers for answers, she arched her eyebrows even higher, already preparing for any pushback about it not being her business. They made it her business when they let it get so bad that she had to worry about her parents getting divorced. They were going to have to give her more than “we talked it out” to convince her things were really okay.

[mrsstefadamsfoster]

Repairing Dreams || Stef, Lena, Mariana, & Josie

[miss-thing-adamsfoster]

mrslenaadamsfoster‌:

josiejacobadamsfoster‌:

mrsstefadamsfoster‌:

~

Mariana and Josie both looked skeptical, but Stef pretended that she didn’t notice and perched on the side of the bed. Josie scooted over too, making a spot for Lena at the foot. Stef glanced back at her wife, not totally sure where to start this conversation. “Well,” she said after a moment, “Mama and I just wanted to let you guys know that we’re okay. We know you both were concerned, and we want you to know that we talked and we worked our things out. Okay?”

Josie looked at Mariana, trying to determine if her sister was buying this. Mom seemed sure and steady, like she always did, but for once Josie didn’t find that reassuring. It seemed too good to be true, such a dramatic change from the cold shoulder and distance that had ruled the house the last few weeks. She wanted it to be true. She wanted her moms to be okay and good and in love and able to do anything. But she was old enough to know that fairytales were fictional. “Okay…” she replied hesitantly, looking to Mama for corroboration. 

Neither of their daughters looked very convinced and Lena couldn’t blame them. This was a pretty big about face after one of the longest fights they’d had. And the worst was that they hadn’t even tried to hide it from the kids. Not that she believed children should never know their parents are fighting. But this was more than just an argument and they had let it affect their lives to the point that it had affected their kids’ lives, too, and for that, Lena felt the most guilt. “I know it seems sudden after everything that’s been going on. And I’m really sorry that we made you guys worry. In any relationship, when things get hard, you have to talk to each other and you have to listen. Mom and I quit listening and then we quit talking. But like Mom said, we’ve talked - and listened - and we’re okay now. I’m so sorry that we let things get that bad but I promise, we’re not going to let that happen ever again.”

“We’re going through a tough time right now, you’re right. And we haven’t been talking like we should. But I promise you, I am going to fix that. I’m gonna fix things with Mama. We. Are not. Breaking. Up.”

That’s what Mom had said to her earlier. And what Mama was saying sounded pretty similar. Maybe Mom really had fixed. Maybe they really were going to be okay. Mariana wanted so badly to believe it. She couldn’t imagine her moms splitting up after everything they’d been through. But part of her still wasn’t willing to accept it so easily. She had questions that she wanted answers to, but it was probably best to ask those questions without Josie around. She looked around from Mom to Mama and then to Josie. She couldn’t tell for sure how Josie was feeling but she thought maybe she believed them. “Good,” Mariana said, giving her sister a reassuring smile and deciding it would be better to talk to Moms later.

[mrsstefadamsfoster]

Repairing Dreams || Stef, Lena, Mariana, & Josie

[miss-thing-adamsfoster]

mrsstefadamsfoster‌:

Hand-in-hand, Stef and Lena headed inside in search of Mariana. A quick glance into the living room showed Jesús playing video games, which meant the twins were done with supper cleanup. Her room was the obvious next place to look, so they climbed the stairs and sure enough, her bedroom door was open and the light on. “Mariana?” Stef called, knocking her knuckles lightly on the frame before they poked their heads in and found Josie sitting on Mari’s bed as well. The two girls were foot to foot, Mariana cross-legged with her head in her hand and Josie with her knees drawn up and her arms around her legs. They hadn’t been talking, but both looking seriously into space before their moms interrupted. “Hey, babies. Can we talk to you both for a minute?”

Mariana looked apprehensively between her moms. Their hands were clasped and they seemed... normal. Which they had at dinner, too. In fact, she and Josie had come upstairs after dinner to talk about the sudden change in their behavior. Mariana wasn’t convinced it was genuine. After the talk she’d had with Mom earlier, it wouldn’t surprise her at all if they were putting on some act to try and make it seem like things were back to normal so she’d change her mind. It felt too sudden and too drastic a change to be genuine. “Uh, sure,” she said, glancing at Josie before pivoting to face more toward them, making a little bit of room on the edge of the bed.

[mrsstefadamsfoster]

The Truth || Mariana & Stef

[miss-thing-adamsfoster]

mrsstefadamsfoster‌:

~

Stef felt her heart lurch. This was worse than she had ever imagined if it had gotten to this point. “Baby,” she soothed, running a hand over Mariana’s hair. “Baby, you listen to me. It is not your job to take of me and Mama, okay? Hey!” she exclaimed before Mariana could interrupt her. “It’s not. It’s not your job worry about money, it’s not your problem if Mama and I are fighting, and no matter what happens, we love you so much, and we want you to go after your dreams. No matter what. So first of all, Mama and I are not going to break up, you hear me? We’re not.” She shook her head forcefully and then looked right into Mariana’s eyes as she held her face cradled in her hands. “We’re going through a tough time right now, you’re right. And we haven’t been talking like we should. But I promise you, I am going to fix that. I’m gonna fix things with Mama. We. Are not. Breaking. Up,” she said firmly, pausing between words for emphasis. “And secondly,” Stef pulled back, letting her hands slide down Mariana’s shoulders and take ahold of her hands, “you are going to MIT. You hear that? You are going to MIT, Miss Thing.”

“Okay.” That was all Mariana said, nodding at her mom as she sniffed, tears still rolling down her cheeks, falling into her lap from her chin. She didn’t know what she was accepting. The insistence that she was going to MIT? That it wasn’t up to her to look after her moms? That they weren’t breaking up? She was still skeptical about it all but Mom was doing that thing she always did when she believes something so strongly that she believes it for both of you and you can’t help but think she’s right. Mariana desperately wanted her to be right. About all of it. And Mom didn’t break promises very often so maybe there was still a chance.

[mrsstefadamsfoster]

The Truth || Mariana & Stef

[miss-thing-adamsfoster]

mrsstefadamsfoster‌:

~

“What?” Stef couldn’t help it. She was totally and utterly flummoxed. “Wait, wait, baby, this was about money?” She twisted herself and grabbed Mariana’s upper arms so they were facing each other. “Love, I am not letting you give up on this because of money, you hear me? I am not.” She couldn’t stand the thought. All her life, her goal had been to give her kids what she hadn’t had. And first and foremost, that meant college, whatever college they wanted, whatever it took. “Mariana, babe.” She shook her head, trying to clear the swirling thoughts. “I’m done working extra, okay? I’m done. You’re right, I was doing that to try and get a little extra, but sweetheart, that’s over, and we will make MIT work. Okay? We will. You’ll get scholarships, we’ll do loans, whatever it takes. I’m not letting you do this, my baby.” She didn’t even touch the subject of divorce, instead pulling her daughter in for a tight hug, as if the force of her love could be transmitted through her grasp. 

Mariana let her mom pull her in against her, not that she had much of a choice. “I don’t care about MIT,” she said, her words muffled against Mom’s chest. It wasn’t true. She cared a lot about MIT. More than almost anything. But what she did care more about was her moms’ relationship. “I thought if you stopped working extra, Mama wouldn’t be mad at you anymore.” Mariana’s chin started to wobble and her voice was shaking. “But you’ve been home and you’re still not talking. You were just trying to help me. Why is she still mad? You guys can’t break up. You just, you can’t!” Tears had started running down her cheeks. She had wanted so badly to believe Mama when she’d insisted that they were fine but it was obvious that they weren’t and she couldn’t bear the thought of them not being together.

[mrsstefadamsfoster]

The Truth || Mariana & Stef

[miss-thing-adamsfoster]

mrsstefadamsfoster‌:

~

Stef felt heat rise in her throat and the back of her nose burned, but she didn’t let tears well up. She had broken this family and she had to fix it, no matter what it cost or how badly it hurt. “Mariana.” She leaned forward, trying and failing to catch her daughter’s eyes. “Hey.” As Mariana continued to stare persistently across the room, she gave up on eye contact and instead put an arm across her shoulders. “Oh, my love, I know things have been hard lately. I do. But I’m gonna fix it, okay?” Stef pressed a kiss into Mariana’s hair. “I am. I promise.” She kissed her head again. “And Mama and I will be fine. And Josie will be fine. And you? Are going to MIT.” She patted Mariana firmly on the back.

Mariana took a deep breath and blew out the exhale, letting her shoulders droop. “Even if I believed that,” which she really didn’t, however badly she wanted to, “we still can’t afford it.” Before Mom had a chance to deny it, she continued on, giving up on her secret. It didn’t matter anymore. Her plan hadn’t worked so what was the point in still lying about it? “I heard you and Mama fighting about it. I know it’s too expensive and that you were working so much to try and make it work. I thought if I went to UCSD and lived at home, you could stop working extra and things would go back to normal. Obviously, that didn’t work. But at least now I can be sure it’s not my fault and I did what I could to fix it. I’d give up anything if it meant you and Mama stayed together.” Mariana wasn’t used to this kind of total honesty. All these years later, she still had a bad habit of lying, of keeping things to herself, of giving half-truths until forced to show her full hand. But something about this made her feel so helpless that the truth just kind of spilled out.

[mrsstefadamsfoster]

The Truth || Mariana & Stef

[miss-thing-adamsfoster]

mrsstefadamsfoster‌:

~

Stef tried for a cheery smile as she plopped down beside Mariana. “Whatcha looking at?” she asked casually, but Mariana gave her a look that said, get to the point. “Sweets? Mama and I are not getting a divorce, okay? I promise.” She looked her daughter dead in the eyes and hoped Mariana wouldn’t see the fear she was concealing. “And whether you go to MIT, that won’t change that.”

“I’m starting to realize that the school I go to won’t make a difference.” Mariana gave a somber nod, her lips pressed together. Then she pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms protectively around them. “But I do think you’re going to get a divorce,” she said quietly. With her eyes trained on the window across from her bed, Mariana rested her chin on top of her knees. “Maybe not for a while. But sometime. So I think I should stay. Y’know, for Josie.” She couldn’t imagine her moms breaking up. Having two houses to go to during breaks. Having to do separate holiday celebrations. It was overwhelming and terrifying and it made the idea of moving to a school far away even more tempting but none of this changed the fact that they couldn’t afford it. Which was why she’d made the decision in the first place. And she really probably should stay close for Josie. And Jesús. He wouldn’t handle this well either. This was the only happy, stable home they had ever had. Having it torn apart now, after so many years of it feelings safe and permanent was... Well, it was indescribable and she hated it.

[mrsstefadamsfoster]

The Truth || Mariana & Stef

[miss-thing-adamsfoster]

mrsstefadamsfoster‌:

Stef made her way upstairs and got ready for bed silently, thinking. Lena came up after awhile and they both lay in bed, not talking. The air was thick and heavy with everything that had been said - and not said - downstairs. There was no way she was going to get to sleep. Something had to change.

The next morning, Stef woke up early, having slept fitfully, waking often to look at her wife and wonder how everything had gone so wrong. There were bigger problems between the two of them that needed fixing, but those issues were so intimidatingly enormous she couldn’t face them. At least, not right away. So, armed with coffee, she finished the bills that had been interrupted the night before, made pancakes for everyone, and then tried her best to throw herself into family life. She played a game of one-on-one basketball with Jesús. She watched a movie with Josie. And she knew she needed to talk to Mariana.

Stef came upstairs and knocked on the open bedroom door. Mari was sitting cross legged on top of her covers, using her laptop, but she glanced up at the sound. 

“Hey, baby. Can I come in?” 

After breakfast Mariana had gone back up to her room. Breakfast had been great, and she knew Mom was going all out. But it didn’t fool her. The morning after she and Josie had told Mama they were afraid their parents were going to get divorced, suddenly Mom was making a huge breakfast and spending time with everyone? Yeah, that wasn’t obvious at all. And she hadn’t missed that not only were Mom and Mama still not talking, but they seemed even less okay than they had before. It didn’t reassure Mariana at all. So as soon as she could, she’d headed back up to her room to avoid the unrelenting tension and the... fakeness. 

When Mom knocked on her door, she was absently scrolling on her computer, wondering if she’d given up MIT for nothing. It didn’t seem to make a difference that she had changed her mind. Moms were still fighting and she’d never been more convinced that her parents marriage wouldn’t last. That terrified her. Her moms had always felt like they had a fairytale-come-true kind of love. If their love couldn’t last, what hope was there for anyone else? For her someday? It was a deeply depressing thought and she couldn’t stand it.

“Sure,” she said with a shrug. Closing her laptop, she set it at the foot of the bed and scooted over to make some more room for Mom.

[miss-thing-adamsfoster]

Pants on Fire || Mariana & Josie

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~

Josie hated to admit it, but Mariana was right. Mom was super weird about money. Grandma Sharon said she didn’t have “an abundant mindset, “ whatever that meant. And MIT was expensive, more than 3 times as much as UCSD. She’d googled it, curious, when she first heard Mom make a passing remark about how expensive college would be for all of them. With a sigh, she consented. “Okay. It’s your choice. But moms won’t split up, even if you go to MIT.” She said it with more confidence this time. Then, softer, “And even if they do, it won’t be your fault.”

“It will be if there was something I could have done to help and I didn’t do it.” It didn’t matter what Josie said. Mariana knew she was just trying to be nice, to look on the bright side. Josie always did. But Mariana had made up her mind and nothing got in Mariana’s way when she made up her mind. That’s how she got into MIT in the first place. “Look, I’m not going to MIT so just let it go, okay?” She turned a deadly, serious gaze on her sister. “And you can’t tell anyone for any reason. Got it?”

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Pants on Fire || Mariana & Josie

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Josie looked down at the carpet, trying to give her older sister some privacy for what was clearly a difficult confession to make. And it all made sense - moms fighting, Mom being gone all the time, and Mariana’s decision, too. “They’re not gonna split up,” she said, not sounding nearly as confident as she wanted to. She was tempted to add, “Are they?” but it wasn’t the time to ask for big sisterly comfort, at least not from Mari. Right now Mari was the one who needed comforting. So she continued, “And you’ll get scholarships and stuff at MIT, right? You already have that STEM scholarship from Anchor Beach, and didn’t you apply for one for being adopted? And you’ll get the regular financial aid like Callie gets, too. And Mom’s been home more lately, you know? So maybe she figured out a way to make it work.”

Mariana shrugged. “I’ve been applying to lots of scholarships and I have like more than a third of the tuition covered right now but... It’s not enough. MIT is crazy expensive and if I stay here then they can stop fighting about Mom working more. You know how Mom is with money. She freaks out and you can’t get through to her at all.” Mariana straightened her back and tilted her chin up in defiance. “This will get through to her. And then they’ll be okay and they won’t split up because of me and things can just go back to normal.”

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Pants on Fire || Mariana & Josie

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Josie sat up excitedly when Mariana said the words, “if I tell you.” She was nodding already, agreeing emphatically to anything Mariana said. “Of course, I promise, I swear. I won’t say anything to anyone. Not Mom, not Mama, not Jesús, not anyone. Cross my heart.” She traced an X on her chest with a pointer finger. “Now. Dish,” she demanded, patting the comforter.

Mariana sighed and turned to face Josie straight on. “You remember like a week ago when Mama was like, super mad during dinner and trying to pretend she wasn’t? And then the next day she and Mom like didn’t say a single word to each other and it’s been super awkward and tense ever since?” Josie nodded and Mariana continued. Everyone in the house was aware something was going on. Only Mariana knew what. “Well, that night I went down for some water and heard them fighting after Mom came home from work so late again. They were fighting about money and about Mom working so much. She hasn’t been working on her cases. She’s been working the beat – like she used to. To make more money.” Mariana’s eyes dropped down to her lap. “Because MIT is so expensive.” She was quiet for a minute before shrugging her shoulders up to her ears. When she continued, she spoke to her lap. “So, I decided to stay home and go to UCSD instead. It’s way cheaper and I can live at home so they save the money on my housing, too.” When she looked back up at Josie, there were tears welling in her eyes but she refused to let them fall. “I’ve never seen them mad at each other like this before. Not for this long and not like this, not... talking, barely looking at each other. It’s... It doesn’t matter what school I go to. As long as they stay together and things go back to normal, it doesn’t matter.”

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Pants on Fire || Mariana & Josie

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“But you don’t want to stay at home!” Josie exclaimed, gesturing emphatically. “So there’s got to be some other reason that you’re making this choice, and I want to know what it is, because it’s definitely not about how far away Boston is!” She paused. There was one more angle she could come at this from if she really wanted the truth from Mariana, but it was a low blow. Was it worth it? Plunging recklessly on, she said, “Look, you might not want to tell Mom the truth, but I’m your sister. I thought we were close.” She gazed at Mariana, her soft brown eyes pleading. “I can’t believe you’d lie to me.”

Mariana’s lips pursed tight and she crossed her arms tight over her chest. She knew Josie was just pulling that shit to guilt trip her into telling her. She let her sit with that stupid look on her face for another minute before rolling her eyes, standing up and crossing back to her bed. She gave Josie’s shoulder a shove and plopped down beside her. “You can knock off the guilt trip. Do you really think you can pull that little sister shit on me? I grew up with Brandon and Jesús. I’m three minutes older than Jesús and I can still little-sister him.” She cocked an eyebrow before rolling her eyes. “Look, if I tell you, you have to swear. On. Your. Life. That you won’t say anything to moms. I mean it, okay? Like, Girl Code, Sister Code, everything.”