Still Trying

27F (she/her). Med student, soon to be MD. Queer af. Documenting my thoughts on ED recovery, mental illness, my journey to self love/ compassion, and my relationships.

[journalofrecovery]

1/30/2021 - Sun

I wore an outfit today that stressed me out so much. It was something I would have worn pre-recovery but have not attempted anything like it since gaining my recovery body. But I wanted to look cute and impress B and challenge the idea that I’m only allowed to wear baggy clothes now that I’m softer and curvier than I used to be. So I wore the cute skirt with tights and the short sleeves and tried not to body check too much before heading out the door. We went to an outdoor mall and I was only a little uncomfortable but could mostly put it out of my head while we walked around. But then I had to eat lunch and once that happened the relative comfort I had existing in my body and clothes plummeted to absolute zero. I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a store window and immediately wanted to hide away and never emerge. My brain was flooded with intrusive thoughts about dieting and purging and exercising and honestly it took so much effort not to cry. B tried to cheer me up by showing me that she had changed her background pic on her phone to a pic we had taken earlier but I literally started having a panic attack because I hate seeing pictures of myself. I just can’t do it without freaking out. I felt so guilty that she was just trying to be cute and make me happy and I reacted like that but honestly I just couldn’t handle it. I hate that I can’t wear clothes that I think are cute without feeling like this. It’s like I’m destined to wear oversized shirts and leggings for the rest of my life. I know that repeated exposures are the key to overcoming this anxiety but honestly after today I don’t think I can ever wear short sleeves again.

[journalofrecovery]

1/28/22 - Fri

The Match for urology is next week and I can barely keep my anxiety under control. What if I don’t match? What am I going to do? I genuinely don’t know. The anxiety keeps me up at night and gives me nightmares and so I’m a mess in the morning and can barely get my shit together on time to get to the hospital. I actually said I was feeling ill this morning and couldn’t come in because I was so paralyzed with anxiety, which actually backfired because now I have to go get a Covid test before I can go back to work. So now I feel guilty and anxious and like an idiot. And of course all this stress makes it so much harder to focus on recovery. Why eat when I can just stew in my anxiety instead? Why consume nutrients when I can just be all-consumed by my worries? I just want it to be Tuesday so I can know what it is I’m doing with the next phase of my career and life already.

[journalofrecovery]

1/21/2022 - Fri

I really fucked up. I was looking for an old photo last night to show B and ended up in a hole of sick photos that I still haven’t gotten myself to delete. And wow that was triggering as fuck. I know intellectually that I was sick and dying and unhappy back then but when I see those photos I miss my old body so much. I miss being that small. And I feel like a failure in the body I have currently. Which I know isn’t true. I know this body i have right now is the body that is currently keeping me alive and healthy and that it’s the body that’s doing it’s best to recover and finally be happy. I just don’t know how to stop feeling like I’ve failed myself somehow.

[journalofrecovery]

1/19/2022 - Wed

My period is such a huge trigger. I get nauseated and bloated and my body dysmorphia is ramped up and all I want to do is exercise and restrict but also sleep and binge. Plus my mood symptoms get so out of whack that it’s hard for me to see the big picture. I went off the pill because I thought it might be contributing to my depression and other health concerns I was having (plus I don’t really need it for contraception anymore) but I swear I forgot how awful having real periods is. It took all I had just to down my stupid ensure that I brought because I knew eating was going to be difficult. I hate that I feel like this because I want so hard to be working on progressing in recovery and now I just have to focus on not backtracking. Which sucks.

[journalofrecovery]

1/17/2022 - Mon

I’ve been trying my best today keeping myself on track with recovery despite having a million things get in the way. I’m on a new rotation in Women’s Health and they literally just didn’t give me a lunch break? Not very healthy for me, a woman, but whatever. On the way home I grabbed fast food and tried my hardest not to beat myself up about it. Food is good. Food is fuel. Fast food chicken tenders are accessible and fast and delicious and have lots of the good things my body needs to function. Just because fast food is demonized doesn’t mean it’s not nutritionally adequate. Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself.

I’m struggling with motivation to do things with my evening instead of just lying in bed and doom scrolling for hours. I’m tired and anxious and that always makes things harder. Especially cuz my list is long and the time I have left for the day is getting shorter and shorter. But I’m thinking maybe I need to reframe it in my mind at this point. I can choose three things off the list that seem doable with the number of spoons I have right now to get done. I can prep my lunch for tomorrow (even if I don’t end up getting a break), fold laundry (maybe not put it away but that’s okay), and wash my face/brush my teeth. Sure, this means I won’t be prepping for clinic tomorrow, or finishing my gift for B, or cleaning my room, or submitting that paper thats been weighing on my mind for a while, but those things realistically will not be getting done either way tonight. So I can focus on these three things that make my life easier and maybe will make me feel less stuck. I guess we will see how I do.

[journalofrecovery]

1/14/22 - Fri

Things with B are so so so good. We’ve both had a pretty difficult week but we’ve worked really hard together to get through it. A few nights ago we had a serious talk about how sometimes she feels like she is rejecting my affection because she struggles with task switching when she is hyper focused and if I come in for a hug or kiss she can get frustrated. At first I was feeling a little rejected, and I didn’t know how to avoid that because I can’t live in her brain and determine when her focus reaches that point. I don’t struggle with neurodivergence in the same way and so I didn’t even realize that’s what was happening. But we talked it through and then decided on a system where she can wear a reversible bracelet and flip it to the “do not disturb” side when she is feeling hyperfocused so I know not to do anything too distracting. We only tried it out last night so we have yet to see if it will solve the problem but I’m hopeful about it because it saves her the feelings of frustration and me the feelings of rejection. I feel like this bodes well for our relationship overall. I could have just gotten frustrated that I can’t understand or know when she is feeling that way and so could have just said I’d stop being affectionate altogether to avoid feeling rejected or she could have just said that she will deal with the frustration so that i don’t have to feel rejected but instead we tried our best to come up with a solution that doesn’t put too much burden on either one of us.

I do feel like things are starting to move from honeymoon phase to reality with B but I’m not necessarily upset about it. I’m a little scared with how quickly things have been moving but I’ve never been in a wlw relationship until now and I know that “uhauling” is a thing. I would totally U-haul with B tho. I want her in every part of my life and to be in every part of hers. I just don’t want to emotionally bottom-out when the honeymoon phase ends. And I don’t always feel like the easiest person to love and I’m scared she will see that. But I want to put the work in with her. At the risk of sounding like a total sap I never thought it would be this easy with someone. I guess because I’ve only ever seriously dated cishet men in the past I’ve never really felt fulfilled by those relationships. I honestly thought I was aro for a bit, or just so broken from trauma and mental illness that I’d never be able to connect with someone.

[journalofrecovery]

1/14/22 - Fri

I’m at a place in this recovery journey where I feel like I finally want to work on eating in a more balanced way with gentle nutrition but every step I take feels like a trigger. How do I know that my desire to incorporate more protein and produce into my meals isn’t just my ED in disguise? If I’m being honest with myself it probably is. I got so uncomfortable when I had to deviate from eating “balanced” last night with B. Which to me is a sign that my ED might be holding onto the reigns a little too tightly. Balance isn’t just about making sure I have a good variety of macro and micronutrients in my meals. It’s also about being able to eat potstickers and cookies for dinner with my girlfriend without beating myself up about it. It’s about being able to put a whole packet of hot chocolate in my coffee this morning alongside my yogurt and fruit bowl even if my ED brain is screaming at me for “ruining” what it deemed wholesome and appropriate. And it’s definitely not about plugging in the contents of my meal into Cronometer to ensure that I am getting that “balance”, even if it isn’t necessarily guided by calorie counting. So I guess I just need to be honest about my motivations and act accordingly.

[journalofrecovery]

1/14/22 - Fri

It’s been a hard week. I’ve been dangerously low on spoons because I don’t have a regular schedule right now (which is always a trigger for my depression) and I have been battling near-constant intrusive thoughts about my body and my weight. Plus I’m on a self paced skills-building elective right now and I’m having trouble with accountability but also self compassion. I’m finally at that second half of fourth year where I can relax a bit while I wait for the Match results but it’s a hard switch to go from giving 100% all the time to getting through the bare minimum and focus on self care and relaxation before intern year starts. I feel guilty all the time. But it’s not my fault the coordinator for the elective gave no guidance and basically said “do what you want” for these two weeks. I can only work alone in a skills lab on simulators for so long before it stops being productive.