Tears

[a-small-startup]

Sometimes there is sudden plunge of sadness that hits me. There is this part of me that wants to scream on to my pillow and cry the whole night.

I don't know why this happens.

I don't have a reason to do this.

I don't have a justification.

I feel numb. I feel tired. I sleep and wake up and go back to sleep. There is constant music blaring into my ears so that I don't have to listen to myself thinking.

There is a show that's running in the background I have no idea what they're talking about.

I don't eat, I don't listen to people. I don't function.

I just wanna shed those tears out.

But I wanna know why they're here in the first place.

I'm not sad but there is sadness.

[a-small-startup]

She would like me?!

He fell in love with her in a jiffy. She took her time, analyzing all the ups and downs , ifs and buts, what ifs and maybes. Finally she said yes and they fell in love.

It was quite an unusual love story. They had not seen each other, not known what they look like, how tall they stood or how much they weighed but indeed it was blind love.

He knew all her scars deep down the lane and still loved the way she was, she was trying to unleash all his secrets.

She was stupid and he was crazy but the love they had was what mattered the most. It was pure and deep.

He told his mom that he loved her and she was happy to know, but now she wanted yo know her, assess her if she was good enough for him. She was fair in her part. Well she just wanted the best for her son…

They are soon gonna meet and all she asked was “she would like me,won’t she?”

[a-small-startup]

Why do I run away from the ones who love me.

Why do I run away from the good.

.

Why am I obsessed with the trouble that I mumble up everything.

.

Why can’t I be in peace

Why can’t I trust myself.

.

Why can’t I be normal

Like everybody else.

.

Why do I think with my brain and play with my heart and in the entire process hurt soul.

.

Why do I run away from promises

From commitment

From love

From trust

And from hope

From people

.

Why am I like this?

Why

[a-small-startup]

Lost in the crowd of known strangers

I wasn’t sure which way to go. On either ways there wasn’t anyone standing for me who knew me. With two paths of strangers what should I think about. I had no reason to choose any.

People say I’m detached from them. That I hold a lot of sorrow inside and wear a broad smile, it isn’t actually. The fact is that I hope someone will come who will understand me and know what I really seek in life. But that one person never arrives.

I keep hoping, even though I know nothing is gonna happen… I keep hoping that I’ll be fine, that they’ll understand, that they’ll like me that they’ll want me in their life but that really never happens.

I know for a fact that people are never gonna understand what I really want. But instead I’m the one who is always blamed. I’m the one who is always told to put aside my feelings and care for others. I was done taking care of others and their feelings a long time back.

I don’t know why but I still care. For me even today the happiness of others lays on top of every other thing in life including mine. Irrespective of what situation I am in it really annoys me that someone I care for is in trouble. I don’t care whether I’m fine, or I’m hurt or anything once I hear they have an issue mine are gone. Poof! Just like that.

With a lot of broken relationships be it family, friends or love. I’m just tired in life and yet again after a long struggle of getting back in life I feel detached from everything and everyone and hope to elope to an unknown place where I know nobody…… I just really hope that happens; that I get lost in a place I’m unknown. Because it hurts to be around a thousand people who claim to be a part of your life and still feel empty…

[a-small-startup]

The mess I’ve made for myself.

Life is always a mess. There is always a turmoil running in your head. We have work, studies, parents, family, friends, relationship and ourselves to balance in this race we’re on. You feel relationships are turning toxic but you can’t let go also because you just love that person. And on the other hand you feel you’ve failed certain people and they are just completely mad at you. You never can let go of people like these. At least I can’t

My mind does a lot of logical thinking and reasoning but at the end it just fails in one simple thing in differentiating the peace for others and the peace for myself.

I always feel I get zoned out, I feel I’m always pointed at to be the wrong one. I feel I’m just left out. And other times I feel everything that’s surrounding me is a result of my own actions.

Someone asked me today why my relationship with my family isn’t cordial. I had no answers, yes there has been a mess but I am the one who had moved away from them, even though they constantly try to catch up. He also asked what’s my relationship status, well I’m with a guy, but that’s complicated as fuck. With so many failed relationships I’m never sure of anything. There is always these questions that erupt that says I’ve done something somewhere wrong. And sometimes I feel I’m plain single. I have so many inhibitions about him and me that I can’t think straight.

After all this he wanted to know who I had whom I called family and I was left with no answer for that as well. There is this one person I believed was my life but she let me down too. She failed to know me too or maybe I didn’t live up to her standards. But this time I was just tired of being in her good books, I was tired of trying and trying not to hurt her and the one time I went against her wish and things just collapsed. Maybe I shouldn’t have bothered.

And then there’s me. I’m a mess in myself. Over thinking and over analysis has led me no where. And the constant guilt of letting down people just eats me up. And the worst is not that, I’m just tired with all the people and all the mess that surrounds me. I’m just tired of the way I’ve ended up nowhere moving apart from all the people I love and who love me. The fear of losing them by doing something prevents me from doing anything. I’m just done.

I know I still have a lot of people I can call up right now and talk about all this, but I’m just too tired to explain and too scared that they won’t get it. Coz I don’t.

[a-small-startup]

I can’t think of anything else than you

I can’t feel anything else right now.

.

It’s always you had been there

But now since you aren’t, I’m kind of lonely.

.

I may not be good enough

Or good at anything.

.

But you can let me know

What went wrong.

.

It was great in the very start,

When we were together

And promised of always and forever.

.

I miss the fact of us as one

Now with no trace of us.

.

I miss you……… I miss me.

[a-small-startup]

I was walking down the beach. waves hitting my feet, sand drifting away, the cool breeze brushing my hair, pants pulled up shoes in hand and music that’s soothing. This was when I was backpacking through Pondicherry. 

There wasn’t anyone to call me back. There was no place to reach, no one waiting for me. This day was all mine, to do whatever I wanted to do. I didn’t talk to anyone. Enjoying my very own company understanding what I want from everything that’s happening, cleaning my mind of whatever happened.

I ain’t saying I have transformed completely from whatever happened or that this is a new version of mine. 

Rather, I am thinking clear now. I am starting to maybe think of myself. Having spent time with myself, the one thing it thought me is that I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. And that is what matters the most at this point of time. 

[a-small-startup]

It's not because I don't have someone. It's because I don't have anyone.

Truth.

[a-small-startup]

I trust way too easily and expect way too much.

[a-small-startup]

We walk past each other, passing that cigarette that we sneaked in, telling stories about boys I have loved, the way I loved and wish to love…

we talk about broken dreams, shattered trusts, hopeless people, and times we wish we could erase…

her hand on my shoulder, reassures me of hope, her company builds trust and friendship…

we turn around and see a shooting star, so close that we doubt it for a second,

a story no one might believe…

our joy on having spotted it at the exact moment,

the reassurance on hope, giving us that moment, the exact moment when we turned around…

a beautiful shooting star…

we continue to walk, this time with a huge smile from ear to ear

the cigarette bud now lays on the floor,

we head back and days later still cherish that one moment….

I miss everything about that day,

the peace, the familiarity of the place and a belonging…

I miss her….

[journals-stuff]

You know what the problem really is. I trust way too easily and I expect way too much. Done being there for others.

[a-small-startup]

What do you do when someone says you are fake? What do you do when that person is someone you have tried to make ammends with all your life??

These questions have been running in my head a hundred thousand times. And never have I been able to answer them.

I just realized….

You cant judge me if you dont know me

You cant pass comments if you have not known my pain.

Dont call me fake if you cant listen.

If you dont know me and think your perception about me is right, the you are fucking wrong.

If you think that I behave so to please people then you are mistaken.

If you think that I dont like you and I dont respect you.

If you think and just think………

You got to stop and listen. See. Observe. Understand.

Because I am fucking crazy and this is how I am.

You dare to call me fake again make sure you know me. You have seen my journey and been through what I have been through. Make sure you understand before you open your mouth.

[glitteringhuman-deactivated2019]

Could you?

I was so naive,

that in this obnoxious life

i got nothing to lose.

Till yesterday, I was like

a child who loves to

roam around daffodils, chase butterflies,

astound at rainbows and dance in the rain.

But this day, this very day,

I feel different.

I feel responsible, accountable.

Not for anything else,

other than your trust.

The trust that you ennobled me with,

trust that reveales to me,

who you really are.

the trust, which I craved for.

Finally I got it,

I feel responsible, not fretted.

Because it’s up to me now,

I know I can cherish the trust

all my life, but,

I want to ask only one thing,

“Could you say the same?”

-lsr

[a-small-startup]

could she?

[a-small-startup]

“I got drunk last night with the hope of getting high, forgetting what happened in the day. But all I was high on was you and your love. Today I woke up with a hangover but alas again on you and your love. Whatever I do its not getting out of my system. Am I lying to myself about you and me, or am I wondering that I am right.

In this constant battle of my brain and heart, even though it seems that my brain is winning, it is you my love that is winning for now and forever.

I don’t know why I am supposed to keep mum and not talk to you for a few days. I know it’s just 3 more days but for me my friend it’s difficult to go every passing minute. ”

I want to call him up and tell him all this. But I am not able to. I am bound by something, perhaps weighed down. Even after I annoyed him and made it horrible at the end he told me he still loves me. Is he right? Am I scared of love because I fell in love with the wrong people at the wrong time? Maybe I am in love with him, but I do not want to acknowledge that fact and make myself vulnerable again. Because when I am in love I am mostly left with an aching soul in the end. I don’t want to….. Coz I hate love.

this is stupid

[a-small-startup]

I know…. But just don’t

It’s not your sympathy that I seek. Maybe it empathy that your are trying to telecast but I don’t get it that way.

There’s chaos going on in my head and its not always about loneliness.

I don’t want you to tell me sweet stuff. I know you’ll be there when I need you but you don’t have to advertise that.

If I don’t say something them there’s definetly because I don’t know what’s actually going on.

And by I don’t know I freaking mean that I don’t know.

I know that I have told you everything about me, you don’t have to show that you know.

You are trying to be good I know that but I can’t handle so much good

I’ve told you this, you are too good to handle.

I know you love me, but you don’t have to say it every freaking day, every fucking hour coz it seems like you are reassuring not me but yourself.

I know you would be confused reading this and might even let out a sigh saying “what did I do”

Its just the chaos in my head and its not about you…

[a-small-startup]

I guess I figured me…

I am a self made woman, or rather a self made person.

It sounds amazing right. I have heard a lot of people say that. I’m 20 years, 10 months and 6 days old and today I’m sitting looking at the laptop screen on my desk, hoping to be that self made person soon. I don’t have big dreams and hopes in life. No great future plans either. But I have a dream to conquer what I have always wanted to. Do everything that I have wanted to. But before all that I want to figure myself out.

Today, someone asked me to define myself, describe me. I had no answer. I gave such bizarre answers that at the end he gave up. You can’t make me understand. I am not saying that my life has been shit and that I have lost hopes, but people have made me lose trust.

Be it family, friends, or relationships. I don’t know. I have no idea how to even figure this out. I had figured me out but then, I realized that I am made and remade continually. I am evolving every second, and so is everybody.

Today you find yourself funny, witty and great to be with. But you can find yourself mean and rude tomorrow. People change; they evolve every day, every hour, every minute, and every second. I am changing as I’m typing this. My thought process is changing.

My attitude towards life is very simple, you can’t predict anything, but you can hope. I don’t want to do that either. I just don’t want anything specific to happen. For me life dint go the way I wanted it to go so I’m going the way life is. That’s all.

There is nothing to unfold in me, there is nothing in me to figure out, and there is nothing that is enclosed beneath my skin. I’m simple and free not as complicated as I might show myself. Because the way I portray myself is not the real me. I’m something that you would never think of. Figuring me out is simple, just don’t rationalize or be practical. Just don’t think and I’m there. I guess I figured me out too in the process of explaining it to you.

[a-small-startup]

Coz of your love or mine?

I was having a perfect day until it all happened.

My friend’s mom met with an accident and I rushed to the hospital to see her. I have never met her but I wanted to be next to my friend. It was really late night but that dint matter.

I was literally running from the metro station when suddenly he crossed my path. My eyes met his and he met mine. I saw him, realized it was him but did not turn back. I could hear him say “that’s Zaria, I know her and I need to talk to her”. To his friend for which His friend was saying it might be someone else.

I just kept on running. I did not want to meet him, talk to him, or have anything to do with him. He was a closed chapter. Imran was my ex. He was long done with. I had even blocked him on all social networking sites. I did not want to talk to him, so when he came back running screaming out my name I did not turn back.

“hey Zaria stop, don’t you realize it’s me Imran”

“excuse me, I guess you have mistaken me for someone else, now please excuse me I’m in a hurry”

I could see in his face that he realized that I was lying, he did not fight back and just left.

I went in the elevator, and suddenly out of no where two people popped up and they started hurting me in the elevator. I tried resisting but couldn’t and I shouted out his name. The elevator stopped. They left and he was there standing out staring at me.

It was part of his plan to make me shout out his name, once again he was playing games with me. But at that time I was scared, and he was my only pillow. I hugged him petrified of what just happened and he said he still loves me.

But he was too late. I had Ram in my life now. He was whom I always wanted and whom I will always want. And I could never think of leaving him.

At that point Imran was a pillow of comfort of the fear that just incurred.

I was scared.

My phone starts to ring and I woke up realizing it was just a dream. I was scared as shit. Ram had called to just check on me. He was always there to save me and will always be.

I was having a perfect day until I saw it…..

@daily-prompts

@glitteringhuman thanks for being there