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@journeytodickandballs
Picture it: Me, mid to late thirties, has ADHD. I’m discharged from the hospital. My body is finally complete. I finally get to live a with-dick existence. I’m in a wheelchair heading for my ride home. I’m wearing this shirt. Every nurse wears a different expression. I’m happy.
Whoops, abandoned this side blog.
But I did it! I got lower surgery!
Still in early healing
Whenever I talk about my penis (post-phalloplasty) I inevitably get questions to the extent of - does it piss Like A Cis Penis, do u masturbate Like A Cis Penis, does it feel Like A Cis Penis, does it look Like A Cis Penis, etc.
And I think it’s kinda funny because “cis penis” isn’t a single cohesive category within which all cis penis wielders do/feel things the same way.
With masturbbation for example, when people ask if it happens “the same was as cis penises”, my answer is “there is no single way for a cis penis to be pleasured”. Some cis men will “jerk off” in the traditional sense, but others will use fleshlights, hump, grind, use vibrators, use other toys, or even forgo touching it for anal stimulation or even even no stimulation at all. There’s no single “cis penis” experience.
There’s just cis men who share the broad experience of (generally) “having been born with a penis” and after that there’s a lot of variety in how it’s handled (lol).
The range of experiences with a phallo dick is well within the normal, human range of penis experiences that already exists.
Things I found useful for stage 2 metoidioplasty:
Gauze swabs for cleaning incisions
Measuring jug to measure urine output during trial
Baby wipes for freshening up, not for cleaning incisions
Flannels for strip washes
Loose trousers in both waist and leg to accommodate the catheter
Tight underwear to hold pads in place
Loose underwear to allow more air during the night
Fragrance free pads to protect underwear from bleeding
Puppy training pads to catch any potential bleeding
Stool softeners to prevent straining
Lots of pillows for options when laying and sitting
Phone chargers everywhere
Food prepped ready to be microwaved
Water bottle to make it easier to drink plenty
Hot water bottle for any bladder pain
Cash in case of emergency taxis/busses
Squash/decaff coffee as caffeine isn’t good for catheters, but hot drinks are nice
Things I wish I’d known before:
If you have concerns call someone, getting checked out isn’t as scary as your brain makes it out to be
Catheter retaining straps are fantastic inventions
Leg bag sleeves are much more comfortable than straps
Night bags can be more hassle than they’re worth
Fewer pillows can be better than lots for sleeping on your back
Having meals prepped is good, but don’t forget about snacks
I've been thinking about surgery a lot lately...
I didn’t need a penis to be a man. But I needed one to be me.
On the day I heard that my penis would be huge, I sobbed.
In the car outside the doctor’s office afterward, I bent my torso in half and bawled, my face against the dashboard, my boyfriend petting my back to console me but confused. Isn’t it good news that they can do it? — like: At all? And obviously, yes. It was. Growing up without one, I’d thought or maybe convinced myself that mine would grow in later — to the extent that when I see a woman in tight pants, I still often instinctively think, Where is her penis? — but my period at 12 aptly, agonizingly bled to death that increasingly implausible dream of reconciling with life, with God, that he wouldn’t make me like this and leave me like this forever. So the news, 28 years later, that the agony was going to be over — abundantly over — was a bit much to take in.
I fixated instead on the information that a pert little average-flaccid package was not an option for me. (If I even wanted that.) (And did I?) When I’d asked the surgeon how big my impending penis was going to be, he could only guess, pointing to the reusable water bottle in my hand, a metal cylinder nine inches in circumference: “Smaller than that.”
I was so different from everybody else already.
I was already always so different.
Phalloplasty in general, it was clear, was hard for people to accept. “Well, I will love you no matter what, sweetie,” a cis female best friend of mine said when I told her I was transitioning, years before — “as long as you don’t get a dick.” One flatly demanded, “Don’t get a dick.” It was, another transmasculine person I used to know said, disgusting, insane to want and to have a surgeon make a sensate phallus out of your arm or leg or somewhere and Frankenstitch it to your body, to go so far out of your way to opt in to a tool, perhaps the tool, of so much suffering. Most transmasculine people didn’t get one. The seminal print transmasc magazine was named after not getting one: Original Plumbing. I saw transmasculine support groups shut down and go silent more than once when someone brought up the procedure, and later, when I was that someone, I was twice invited to leave “with other people who might want to talk about that.” Whatever magical spectrum of unicorn gender expression was otherwise being embraced, it ended firmly before needing a socially, culturally, politically, historically, personally, emotionally, medically complicated dick…
So there I was then, finally, showing up to online specialized transmasculine support groups for people seeking or recovering from phallo, between hours spent hustling to call (six) surgeons’ offices about consults and my PCP’s office (19 times) for referrals and my insurance company (17 times — that I wrote down, anyway) for the necessary authorizations. And here they were, these trans and nonbinary people of many races and locations, coming together to try to hold one another’s questions and fears about which donor site on their body to use, and how the site had (or hadn’t) recovered, and how much sensation they had (“My whole dick feels like a giant clit!” one elated guy described his rare, very best-case outcome once to widened eyes all around), and what size testicle implants they got if they got testicles (which are optional) at all, and which surgeon they went to and when could you go back to work and who in the world took care of you, and did anybody else have this or that or a whole series of fistulas or strictures around their new urethral hookup that rerouted their pee and is also optional, and did anyone else just leave their urethra where it is? Once, a pre-op 52-year-old Black man who was struggling with money and his disability and insurance asked if having a penis was really going to make a difference, relieve any of this pain he was barely surviving, and I watched as the post-op group members calmly assured him that, yes, it would. If he could just hang on, hang on, hang in there.
“It gave me a little more hope,” he told me later, “to keep going.”
The sooner that you internalize the reality that THERE IS NOT A SINGULAR CIS PENIS the sooner you will be able to make meaningful progress towards managing bottom dysphoria, including potentially getting bottom surgery.
“Well Phallo doesn’t do X, Y, Z like a Cis Penis(tm) does, so I don’t want it.”
Okay, but you need to realize that there isn’t a singular Cis Penis to compare all penises to. There is a variety of experiences that a cis dude can have that are equivalent to the experiences of phalloplasty post op.
Some cis men cannot maintain erections, some cis men cannot cum easily or at all, some cis men have small dicks, some cis men are sterile. These are all things that are shared with phalloplasty penises. (Also some people who have gotten phallo can cum but that’s not really the point.)
The range of experiences can be had fit seamlessly into the natural human variety of having a penis(* not all people who have dicks are cis men, but the rhetoric uses cis men as the frame of reference).
A lot of these things aren’t meaningfully that different. Telling your hook up/partner/etc “I can’t really cum” is actually a fairly common thing, having to use external or internal erectile devices is a fairly common thing.
You’ve got to stop using “Cis Penis” as the gold standard of penis experiences ESPECIALLY when you are describing them in such a way that many cis penises would actually fail to live up to this standard.
The sooner that you internalize the reality that THERE IS NOT A SINGULAR CIS PENIS the sooner you will be able to make meaningful progress towards managing bottom dysphoria, including potentially getting bottom surgery.
“Well Phallo doesn’t do X, Y, Z like a Cis Penis(tm) does, so I don’t want it.”
Okay, but you need to realize that there isn’t a singular Cis Penis to compare all penises to. There is a variety of experiences that a cis dude can have that are equivalent to the experiences of phalloplasty post op.
Some cis men cannot maintain erections, some cis men cannot cum easily or at all, some cis men have small dicks, some cis men are sterile. These are all things that are shared with phalloplasty penises. (Also some people who have gotten phallo can cum but that’s not really the point.)
The range of experiences can be had fit seamlessly into the natural human variety of having a penis(* not all people who have dicks are cis men, but the rhetoric uses cis men as the frame of reference).
A lot of these things aren’t meaningfully that different. Telling your hook up/partner/etc “I can’t really cum” is actually a fairly common thing, having to use external or internal erectile devices is a fairly common thing.
You’ve got to stop using “Cis Penis” as the gold standard of penis experiences ESPECIALLY when you are describing them in such a way that many cis penises would actually fail to live up to this standard.
Whew! Hysto done!
Some things I want to remember for the next surgery:
- earplugs or headphones, the hospital is
- rotate pressure, ice, heat
- one phone charger per person
- if I can't stop holding what hurts, that's a 7 not a 4 on the ten pain scale
- bring shoes I can step in and out of without bending over
I made thank you cards for my surgical team 🥰
These are amazing
Reminder to self for future:
There's tips on managing the so catheter isn't as uncomfortable
- clipping it to a 5 gal pail for stability (bag less likely to get squished and spill everywhere)
- cloth grocery bag for trips outdoors (leg bags apparently fill really fast)
Dugi consult complete!
Looking at meta with vaginectomy and eventual scrotoplasty. I was very impressed. Will probably take me a few days to digest it all, but here are some of my takeaways:
- urinary complications are way less of a problem than I was worried, most problems are manageable or heal on their own
- some might not stand to pee, but serious peeing problems after stage 1 is healed are unlikely
- some of the aesthetic things I was worried about are simply a planned part of setting up for stage 2
- I should expect to convalesce for 4-6 weeks, focusing on avoiding walking more than weight restriction
- vaginectomy with cutting instead of burning takes longer, but it's safer and more complete
I do need to get the hysto first, but can keep my ovaries if I want (for bone health).
Do people ever pack after metoidioplasty? If so, how would that be different from packing pre-meta?
Lee says:
Yes, some people pack after metoidioplasty to get a larger bulge or have the appearance of a larger penis, and other people feel satisfied with the look/appearance of their penis and don’t feel the need to pack anymore.
It may be a bit uncomfortable to have the balls of the packer on top of/rubbing against your own balls, so if you want to pack post-meta, there are a few things that are sort of like penis sleeves that you can put on your penis (note: some with more girth find the Transthetics ones don’t have enough room even with a cut to open more room) that don’t have attached balls since you’ll have your own. If you have a urethral lengthening, you may be able to use a few of the ones below to pee though.
Meta extensor
The Rod
FTM meta extension
The Hot Rod
You could also pack with a traditional packer, but you may find that your penis rubs against the packer uncomfortably- some people either wear a cloth layer between them and the packer or have gotten indents in the back of the packer from custom-made prosthetics companies like Reelmagik, Emisil, and maybe Gendermender so there’s enough room.
If you’re considering getting a meta, I’d defs encourage you to get into contact with other post-meta folks to ask them about this!
Our Bottom surgery (genital surgery) page has a ton of links, including a Finding community link you can check out.
So I've pretty much spent the last month straight doing a happy dance as FINALLY the last piece of the puzzle has fallen into place as far as the various subsystems of the Bionic goes. I'll admit, over the last year, I've definitely had moments of doubt where I've though "is
67 days until phalloplasty
All of these items have been recommended by guys in the US who have had RFF phalloplasty. Whilst I am currently in the US, I picked them up. I also have a smaller sling from Walmart, and some Separatec underwear.
Recent additions I saw suggested:
Hockey cup for protection
Small portable fan to keep things dry
