30 Days to Rediscover Joy

For 31 days, I have committed to do at least one thing per day that is entirely for myself . This is significantly more difficult to accomplish than it should be in in my day to day life. Service to others first is deeply ingrained in both the best and worst ways in my life, so beginning today I am consciously choosing to prioritize a moment to breathe. To keep myself honest and focused, I am going to share some part of the journey each day on Tumblr. feel free to join me down the rabbit hole....

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Day 4:

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Day 3:

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Day Two: stepping off on this new road.

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DAY 1: AGAIN

I decided to change my life almost a year ago in a profound way. It was a long time coming. I had been slowly shedding the skin that kept me from setting boundaries and allowed me to fall deeply and repeatedly into a cycle of caring for everyone and everything above myself.

It's an old story.

A Tired Story.

And the story you tell yourself,

the story you sell yourself

Is more important than any empirical evidence

as it reroutes truth

Short circuits your DNA

Stunts your spiritual actualization

And separates your from the most aligned version of yourself.

If I was ever going to truly live the life God (swt) intended for me, I needed to release some of the bags I was holding for other people and recenter my energy, light, and power.

The walls of Jericho came tumbling down.

The world shifted.

Doors, Windows, and Worlds opened.

I'm straddling two worlds right now.

A peaceful transition of power.

A seismic evolution of life.

A beginning.

Day One.

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Today feels like I’m so close to the edge of the cliff...

Got to fly

Because falling is not an option.

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One foot in front of the other.

The motto for January. One step at a time. Eyes on the prize.

Everything else is white noise.

One foot.

In front of the other.

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1/1/18

1/1/18

I am

already

all of the things God intended me to be..

 May everyday surface the gifts

the creator has bestowed

to my spirit.

 May those gifts honor his grace

lift his name

and

transform

my life with his light.

 Ameen.

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My adventure today included hopping on a couple of local buses (read minibuses) to find my way to The Mango Tree. My dinner was amazing, but more importantly the journey was enlightening. 

I took the bus across the island in search of excellent local cuisine and off the beaten path of the usual tourist traps.  Many of the local folks I talked to were surprised I took the bus,  but they were safe, quick, and cheap.  The buses don’t stop on a schedule - they will honk if you are are standing on the street and then your flag them down. There were many women on the minibusEs heading home from work, all of whom looked out for me, making sure I did not miss my transfer, talking me through hailing my return bus

Caymanians use the phrase, ‘Good Night’ the way we use the phrase ‘Good Morning” as a greeting, or openings salutation.  I’m not sure why it was so startling, but it was the first I realized that we use the term exclusively to say good bye. There is something elegant about their use.

I don’t quite have the words for the feeling of this first night out exploring the island, but there was a sense of independence, sisterhood and accomplishment.

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Current Mood.

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Next Stop: Grand Cayman Island (Yes it is really this beautiful.) A tiny island really, 22 miles long and four miles wide. It feels like a mirage. Yesterday I swam out - I didn't realize how far out I'd gone until I saw the boats skidding past me and I looked back and could only see the tiny spots of people closer to the shore. I stopped and just decided to float. For an hour or so, surrounded by water - no people splashing nearby. Just me and the water and God. I felt free. I started back to the shore before I got tired and it was a long slow haul back to shallow waters. But worth it. So worth it.

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WHERE IN THE WORLD IS CARMEN SANDIEGO?

The biggest question around booking this year’s self care retreat was the international fear of the ZIKA virus.  

My daughter is five.  The question of whether or not I will have another child looms quietly in the background noise of my life.  It looms not just because I am getting older but also because my daughter asks me at least once a week about when she is going to get a sibling.  Through the trial and error of many explainations around work responsibilities, travel schedules, and exahaustion - I have recently found the golden response to her question. 

“I don’t know - sounds like a question for God.”

When in doubt, kick it over to the good lord.  Holla.

Anyway, trying to find a country that has not been ravaged by the Aedes disease carrying mosquito in the Caribbean was difficult. Turks & Caicos, Bahamas, and Cayman Islands were the three countries not currently on the CDC Zika travel warning list. So I played a game of pin the tail on the isle and found myself booking a ticket to Grand Cayman. Hopefully for some much needed R&R while limiting the fear of slipping up and having babies born with microcephaly because of a lack of due diligence. (Over analyzing and mitigating negative outcomes are a big part of my job but as those closest to me can tell you, can be taxing personally.) This trip came a tipping point for me. That post when you can feel yourself so imbalanced that a wind could send you over the edge. It is a place that is far to familiar for me and one that I would like to make a distant stranger. Pushing yourself to exhaustion - mental and spiritual fatigue until refilling is not healthy or beautiful, it's insane. So here is to embracing sanity again. To striving to fill the take more often and more thoughtfully. To remembering self love is a revolutionary act. To remembering that laying down your arms frees your hands to create something beautiful. Ashe. Ameen.