JL Farris

vaguely shouting into the void

[joyfaraway]

to whichever family member searched for "adult toys for couples" on the shared Amazon account .... you're welcome for deleting that from the history, and I beg of you, don't do it again.

[joyfaraway]

I'm so tired I can hardly function, but I can't get to sleep for the life me. who designed Lexapro? I just wanna talk

[joyfaraway]

I don't have poetry for it but I have a desperate need to share the glory of my present reality:

every morning his alarm goes off at 6:30. he turns it off and sets a 15 minute timer. for the next 15 minutes before he gets ready for work, he wraps his arms around me and just holds me there in bed. since his first workday after our wedding he's done this. I'm usually still asleep, just awake enough to melt into his arms. yesterday, 15 minutes wasn't long enough so he set another timer for 10 minutes after that. 25 minutes he held me yesterday morning. each passing moment, simply pure bliss.

what love we share so simply each morning.

[joyfaraway]

he's told me he loves me a thousand different ways and shown me at least ten thousand more

[joyfaraway]

we got our apartment this weekend, and he's officially moved in. I won't move in for a few months. even so, the language we both use about it is already conjoined. our apartment, our bedroom, our plates, our table, we have power.

when I ought to have left he said I should head back to Hermiston, rather than I should head home, because my home has shifted. we have a home together, finally.

I have a home, and it's all ours

[joyfaraway]

I fear for the health of my hands.

my fingers ache by the end of each day, whether I've particularly used them or not. some days at random my right ring finger seems to be out of place in some way. driving too much hurts my pinkies. scrolling on my phone too much hurts my thumbs. playing piano at all hurts both of my hands no matter how good my technique is or how careful I am.

I have problems with other joints as well, but none worry me as much as this. I can live with bothersome knees, wrists, back, hips. I can stop hiking, stop karate, stop dancing. I can baby my body as much as it needs. but to lose function in my hands would be devastating. no drawing, no writing, no sewing, no piano or ukulele, no baking bread. everything that I've clung to to make life worth living. every activity to pass time or express myself. everything that makes me feel real.

how am I supposed to continue without function in my hands?

[joyfaraway]

Nathaniel and I (and Liona) have officially applied for our first apartment

[joyfaraway]

they got me a glittery dinosaur tree ornament, then found one with my name and so decided I'll get two this year. they wrote the year and who they're from on the bottom/back, like they've done for their kids every year. they love me, they love me, they take me as I am. heavenly

[joyfaraway]

how many years of marriage will it take until I show him all of what I’ve written? will I ever let him see my bits of therapy tucked away in documents? or will I just give him the highlights, the parts I’m not ashamed of, less afraid of, the ones concerning him, the ones I’ve come to understand? how long until I fully let him into not only my present and my future, but into my past?

[poems-and-word]

“I’m going to do what I want to do. I’m going to be who I really am. And I’m going to figure out what that is.”

— Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower (via books-n-quotes)

[joyfaraway]

fell asleep on the phone :))

[joyfaraway]

every Sunday afternoon my fiancé and I take a nap together on the couch

this week I was wearing a tank top tucked in with a sweatshirt over, and he reached up under the back of my sweatshirt until his hand found my bare shoulder

"is my hand okay here?" he asked

of course, of course, of course it's okay and I love that you asked

everything I've ever wanted, everything I'll ever need

love of my life

[joyfaraway]

"am I a fool for liking her?"

[joyfaraway]

can someone PLEASE inform my brain that boundaries are a good thing and they don't mean that I've done something wrong

[joyfaraway]

and can someone also please inform my brain that I'm allowed to make mistakes and it's okay to mess up and it's actually good to mess up sometimes bc then you learn

[writing-prompt-s]

You know that thing where you have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, and you can hear them giving you advice at crucial moments? Yeah, mine invited some friends from neighboring pantheons over, and now I have a jazz band.

[joyfaraway]

can someone PLEASE inform my brain that boundaries are a good thing and they don't mean that I've done something wrong

[joyfaraway]

I miss you more than I can say