Recently I had a friend spend some extended time with me and the girls I support. It was a big deal to me. We have a few people who choose to engage or spend time with us. Also I am protective of who they experience. Honestly I never know what I’m going to get each day and while it’s my normal now, I perceive that could be a lot for those not in it regularly. When I recount things that happen sometimes I get unsolicited advice on how people would handle their behavior if it was them. Often people get a little terrified for me and other people are scared for me, which makes sense if it’s not the norm for them.
One thing that I’ve made a personal commitment about, is not to apologize for them. They’re working their stuff out and sometimes I’m confident when we’re in public people might think they have “special needs” or are shocked or think they should be more docile. That being said, choosing to be a safe place for them, for me, means in all settings. That doesn’t mean accepting all behaviors, however it does mean that every situation and behavior doesn’t get addressed right away. If that was the case I’d live in just corrective mode…and that’s not helpful for any one, especially me. There have been many times in stores that one or both are giving into their intrusive thoughts and I pick which battle I will fight based on factors impacted at the moment.
The girls have been in survival mode and lived with conditional love, undependable adults, manipulative families, toxic parenting and the list goes on. It takes awhile to work through those things to get back to zero and start there.
My goal is to get them to be able to graduate high school and hold down a job. Along the way if they learn some character and consideration of others that’s my bonus points. It has taken me a year…A YEAR to get R to be respectful to me (70% of the time), minimal lying, not flipping me off constantly, saying thank you, consider others (well at least me for now), want to spend time with me and say I love you and not be manipulative. She texted me recently and asked if I’d go with her to the doctors to get a shot bc she’s scared. This is HUGE!! Her caseworker said she was proud of her and saw her maturity this week, I could have cried right there. Besides me no one, that I know of, has told her that in years.
K has started recovering from her spirals in less than 2 hours versus the days to week it would take before. She calls me mid spiral and freaking and let’s me deescalate, she wouldn’t do that 3 months ago. I’m praising God for that movement. (UPDATE: things went downhill after I wrote this. After two weeks of up and down she was removed from my home after another police encounter and physical damage occurrence. It was a rough choice, however I’m confident the best one give the circumstances).
I recognize, just like with any kids, people see the current phase, and I…I see the journey and the growth. When interacting with the girls it could be chaotic and they could also be sweet, considerate and naive/youthful. They will always want to listen to music, eat junk food and watch movies and take long drives. As much as it “costs” I still remember that I prayed for this and I’m grateful for the ways people engage or find ways to support me/us as their boundaries allow. So grateful for all of those ways and the continual prayers as I know I do not journey alone, even when it feels like it!!
I say all of these things to say thank you. Thank you to the people who continue to find ways to support or engage with my journey. As a quality time person all of that means the world to me. It looks different for each person and I’m learning to grown in my appreciation of the varying expressions. Thanks friends for diving into the joyful deepend. This is our reminder to keep inviting people in!