Joy is the Journey

Finding new ways to stand up after falling down and recognizing small joys as I travel the challenging road of chronic illness.

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A great quote as it relates to inhibition, taking the time to pause as you need, and freedom and efficiency of movement. Interested? Check out the Alexander Technique.

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Sometimes this is a major pain in the butt.

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Note to self: Inhale, exhale, and repeat.

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I love this quote and this author, speaker, inspirational teacher extraordinaire.

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It's a tough one and it takes a lot of work. It's also the only way to maintain any kind of autonomy and self-esteem. #lifelessons #learningtoimplementlifelessons

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Mushrooms under a pine tree. And a pine cone, naturally.

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7.13.17 Time to get back to some writing, I think. It has been a while. A lot has happened. In the meantime, I suppose I'm meant to feed my creativity.

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Reminder to self.

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Insurance Company Nonsense

4.28.2016 I hate how insurance companies are money hungry assholes. I found out yesterday at 2pm that I'm being discharged from my residential program today at 1pm because my insurance cut me off. My options are to voluntarily go to a psychiatric hospital or to involuntarily be taken to the ER to be assessed. Obviously I'm going voluntarily. But what the hell? Send me to a higher level of care? I called my insurance company and figured out how to do an appeal so Pasadena is going to take care of that for me. Of course the insurance company can drag their feet and take up to 30 days to decide. If they drag their feet. I'll be home by then and then what? The lady I talked to on the phone at UBH said I wasn't even approved for PHP. I'm feeling really low. Lower than low.

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4.27.2016 I need to learn this. It is so difficult for me to be proud of the little steps because I can't see them. It is hard to give myself credit. Lynne is always asking me to give myself credit because I am so harsh on myself. That the tape playing inside my head is wrong, harsh, and someone else's voice other than my own. A voice from another time in my life. I don't know what to say to her, I don't see where I've done anything to take credit for right now.

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Surprise!

4.27.2016

I’m getting a roommate this morning. I’m not sure why since there are vacant rooms. I hope this goes well. I haven’t had an in-the-room roommate since college and she was rarely there day or night.

Breathe.

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Poetry

4.26.2016 I decided to post this here because I think I might try my hand at writing. Untitled To stay dry while outside on a rainy day. Peaceful sounds in the droplets splashing the leaves and the koi pond and the massive smokey mountain of mystery. To stay dry while outside on a rainy day. Swinging on a porch swing.

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PTSD is a Bitch

4.25.2016 I never know when something is going to hit me and just tear me apart. Lynne and I have been doing a lot of work on anger the past few sessions and it has me thinking a lot about my childhood trauma, divorce, and issues with my parents. Mostly my childhood trauma has me torn apart right now and is resulting in some pretty bad depression. Sometimes it feels like I'll never get out of this depression or ever heal from being violated or ever get control of my anxiety. I've been here two and a half weeks and I'm scared, very scared that insurance will cut me off at a month. I need time. I said that to Lynne and she told me that if I keep focusing and throwing anxiety at that, then I won't be present enough to do the work. She's right. As per usual.