5 Things I Want From Britney's Next Album
C'MON BRITNEY! Is 2016 the year that Her Royal Britness finally slays our existence into oblivion again? I sure hope so because, considering that she'll be stuck in Vegas until 2017 (which some people consider "good news"), if she doesn't deliver a decent body of work sooner rather than later, I'd say her career as a million-shifting recording artist is pretty much over. And the poor girl is only 34! Do we want Britney to turn into a nostalgia act just yet? No! No, we don't. So to avoid that, and with the new single "Make Me" seemingly imminent, I came up with five points to keep in mind when putting together Britney Spears's ninth studio album and planning its subsequent rollout. Some of them might seem kinda obvious to you but apparently they're not to everybody, otherwise "Britney Jean" would never have happened. Yeah, I said it.
1. "I Don't Give A Fuck" Attitude
What?, you say, but Britney hasn't been fully aware of or bothered by what she's doing in years! Which is absolutely right, but there's a fine line between carelessness and letting go. Brit's finest achievement album-wise is arguably (and objectively, let's not kid ourselves) 2007's "Blackout", recorded and released in the midst of her real-life blackout, and on that album the legendary Miss Britney Spears put her thing down, flipped it and reversed it without giving one single fuck. To clarify what I'm talking about: looking back on her discography, her third studio effort, 2001's "Britney", was too keen on acting as a transitional album between Teen-Sweetheartney and Grown-and-Sexyney; "Circus" was too focused on getting her image back on track, while 2013's "Britney Jean" was just overall meh (yeah I know, we're not supposed to talk about that album and I've mentioned it twice already, sue me!). I want Britney, so to speak, back "In the Zone". See what I did there?
Dos: brunette hair
Don'ts: that creepy, frozen wax figure grin she does on red carpets
I can't stress this one enough. If I have to hear one more Britney/will.i.am collab I'm literally gonna blow my brains out. Her A&R team needs to find some new and exciting producers, STAT! Now I don't want to make it seem like I just want Britney to record a second "Blackout", but in 2007 Danja was the shit and so were his beats. Since the Timbaland-protégé is mostly M.I.A. nowadays (he's credited on several tracks from Monica's recent "Code Red" album though), find someone whose sound we haven't heard a trillion times from a zillion exchangeable wannabe starlets already. None of that tired trendchasing crap that "Pretty Girls" was. Ugh. Show some respect - it's Britney, bitch!
Dos: Cashmere Cat, Pop & Oak, Nineteen85, Da Internz
Don'ts: will.i.am, DJ Mustard, Dr. Luke
What I want, no, what I need on the visual side of a possible Britney Spears comeback are ridiculously awesome outfits, wigs galore, the hottest video co-stars imaginable and a dance inferno that'll make me want to either kill myself or run away with a traveling circus. You know how us gay boys love a cute bop to shake our bum bums to. Yeah yeah I know, the knee injury, yada-yada-yada. You can miss me with that, I've seen footage of Britney's Vegas show too and I know she's not an invalid. Also, after all the "Femme Fatale" videos were mediocre with a hint of tacky, 2013's "Scream & Shout" and "Work Bitch" proved that it's still in Britney somewhere to make good videos in which she resembles something in the lines of a human being. Just find a decent concept and a great director, it can't be that hard, can it? "Pretty Girls" was kinda cute in a way but, ugh. You know what I mean.
Dos: Melina Matsoukas (look her up), actual dancing
Don'ts: pretending to dance and then later having the scenes edited so it kinda looks like actual dancing from afar
Again, and this is important: NO WILL.I.AM! I don't want him anywhere near that album. In fact, I'm thinking about issuing a restrictive order against him to make sure he will be in no way involved in Britney's musical career ever again. No shade though. Anyway, remember when Brit had either cool or unexpected people on her songs? Like, um, the Ying Yang Twins? Okay, maybe not the best example, but "In the Zone"'s "(I Got That) Boom Boom" rocked. Other collabo partners included Pharrell "Happy" Williams and - gasp! - Madonna, and while neither song turned out to be a hit and "Me Against The Music" isn't even that great, I maintain that the "Boys" remix still stands as one of Britney's most underrated songs to date (and one of two I actually bought as a CD single - I'll let you figure out which one the other was). Bottom line: no generic T.I. verses, no basic ass non-factors (to this day I have no idea who Sabi is and rightfully we've never heard of her again - #RIPSabisCareer), and most of all NO JAMIE LYNN. I get it, she's your sister and all and probably wants to do more with her life than sit around raising her child, but the sisters' "Britney Jean" duet "Chillin' With You" was almost offensive in its blandness. Newsflash: you're basic! (Lohanthony voice) Make the features count or don't have any at all. It's not rocket science, for God's (I mean Cher's) sake.
Dos: Travis Scott, Joey Bada$$, The Weeknd, Brooke Candy, Azealia Banks
Don'ts: will.i.am, Flo Rida, Pitbull
I lied, I only have four points. See, that's how easy it is to A&R a new Britney Spears album! Just kidding, I know it must be horrible to work with someone who is as invested in their career as a dead mouse. Love you, Brit!
Well, technically I guess point 5 would be "good songs," but we'll just take that as a given. One thing on that topic though: if I see Sia's name anywhere near the credits I'm gonna sue. You have my word on that. How about taking a look at all those songs written by wildly gifted people such as Grimes, Blood Orange, Kiesza or Tinashe that Rihanna rejected for "ANTi"? Because that sounds like a damn exciting mix.
Side note: Britney's team should take notes from Ariana Grande on how to put together a diverse yet coherent mainstream pop album; think of the 22-year-old diva in training what you will, but her second studio set "My Everything", which spawned a string of hit singles, was a rather successful lesson in gathering cutting edge producers, songwriters and feature artists without being too obvious and/or all over the place musically.
Anyway, thanks for following my rambling until the end, and as a reward and to show my appreciation, here's the answer to what my other Britney CD single was - betcha didn't get that one right:
origamiaround
turnnoffyourmind
2087
jacobvanloon
vaporwave
theartofmadeline
dailybridgerton
ellievsbear
areudirty