Ready, Set....Go

Julien Smythe | 19 | Soccer Hero Bonjour, welcome to my little corner. As you can see by that text right up there ^ no, no, a little further. Yeah, that one. I'm Julien Smythe, don't listen to what my brother and sister say, I'm the best Smythe around. Anyway, I have this amazing girlfriend who is kind of amazing, she's Batman and I try not to beat her too bad when we fight. I go to this little college known as Westerville, it's awesome. If you have any questions go ahead and ask. I promise I don't bite, unless you like that. Oh, and I am Iron Man.

[julienxs]

Hey guys

this is ooc under the cut, I just wanted you all to know

I can't be here anymore. This is really hard for me to write but I can't be here and you all deserve to know why.

Let's go over the basics

- I have a depressive anxiety disorder that makes me feel like I'll never be good enough. It makes me panic about school and worry that if I don't spend every hour of the day studying I'll fail out of school, never get any kind of job, and end up alone and probably homeless. Logically I know this isn't true but logic doesn't always have a place in an anxiety disorder.

- I just started on anti-depressants. At the moment they have me a lot more emotional and are fucking with my head while I'm getting adjusted.

- I have a trigger about abandonment. When I was in my senior year of high school and falling into this depression my best friend called me a bitch and refused to talk to me for the end of the school year and ever since, really. She brought all my other friends with her.

When this started a week ago I was half-asleep cause I'd been up late studying and already started studying for the day. My mind was half asleep and half on work and I didn't pay attention to what I was typing. I never expected it to blow up into this. I feel used about it though. I feel like if it hadn't been what he said about Audrey there would have been something else taken from the conversation to start this.

I knew Garrett was going to go off and he's OD and go to rehab but I never thought I'd be used as the trigger and I feel like that's what happened. I'm probably wrong but I really do feel like Jules was used so all of this could happen, and I can't change that feeling.

This past week my terror over not being good enough and being abandoned has come back very strong and I've cried more over the past few days than I have in several years. It's set me off hard and fast and been sending me down a really dark road. 

Last time when I was thinking about self harm rp is what saved me, this time I have to escape it to save myself.

I love you all, and you're going to do amazing things in rp, in this group, and life. I just can't be here anymore. Maybe one day when I'm more stable we'll run into each other again but right now I'm just too close and personal with Jules' feelings and I can't do this. I can't anymore.

I hope you know that this was really hard for me to type, but also to decide on. I didn't want to leave you guys but I have to for myself. I love you all. If you want to talk to me ooc I'll put my skype in the ooc. I wish you all the very best, you're amazing people. I'm sorry.

[julienxs]

F2F - Facing the Music | Garlien

Garrett: watched as Julien went and sat down in the chair and glanced only for a moment at the door then took a deep breath. Eyes moving back to Julien. "I don't know what's changed with you but you've been acting different ever since Spencer came into my life, you act like a jealous little three year old. You have Valerie Julien...is it so wrong for me to have some one else in my life that isn't you?" he sighed and rubbed his face then looked at him again "And before you get all high and mighty about Peter cause I know you have to know the truth by now, you didn't have any special claims to him. Yes you are special to me and Audrey but you weren't family. Her parents knew what I was doing and supported me full heartedly in giving him up for adoption and respected my choice in not telling anyone." He swallowed as he took a deep breath "My parents knew and supported me. Kurt knew and supported me. My own flesh and blood brothers didn't know about him so don't think just cause you and I were close and supposed to be soul-mates means you had some kind of claim to know about him when you didn't. Peter was my son he came from me and Audrey I got to chose what happened and who knew about him and you weren't on that list cause it wasn't your business it was mine and Kurt's." He felt his heart rate picking up but he had to finish this "Also this isn't your fault you pushed me yes but so did everyone, because no one could understand that I needed space and time to get my thoughts together then even after I over dose you came in here making it all about you, everyone made it about them how it made them feel well grow the fuck up it isn't about you guys it's about me and my health which is why I'm not going back to New York when they let me out. You can ask Val to move in with you."

Jules: nodded along to everything that was said, hiding how much it hurt and refusing to say anything on his mind. It would just start another fight and he didn't want that. He just wanted to get out of here and never think about it again. "Okay." He couldn't say more because if he did he'd have to admit how much it hurt being told he wasn't family. He wasn't anything.

[julienxs]

F2F - Facing the Music | Garlien

Garrett: was honestly nervous about Julien coming to see him especially after their last visit but he had to do this. He assured Spencer that was okay even if some part of him wasn't okay with this. How the hell was he supposed to even look at the guy after he acted so selfish their last visit making it about him and having the nerve to tell him that he had wanted to get killed by someone. He pushed all that to the side the moment the door opened he took a deep breath and nodded "Hi" he sat up on his bed a bit more almost wishing Spencer was there with him just so he had his hand to hold. "Sit down."

Jules: nodded and moved to sit in the chair, careful not to get to close and keep his eyes down. He felt like a scolded child and honestly, a part of him was waiting for the punch. Expecting it. He wasn't going to say a word though. Garrett wanted him to listen and so that's what he was going to do. He wasn't going to interrupt or try and explain himself. He would listen to him and do anything he needed to to make it better.

[julienxs]

F2F - Facing the Music | Garlien

Jules: He wanted to drag it out, hold back and take forever to get there because the longer he waited the longer he had to prepare himself for the ending of something so important to him. Maybe he just had to accept it was already over. Jules took a deep breath before pushing through the doors and heading down the hallway to Gare's room, swallowing his pride and pain with the air. Not a word about himself. Not a word on how much it hurt knowing Audrey and Garrett's son had been on this earth for over a year and he only found out today. Not a word on how it sucked that he didn't even hear it from Garrett. This was about Gare, and he just had to hope he wasn't broken in the process of trying to make it easier for him. He knocked lightly on the door and slipped in, eyes on the floor and barely looking up to see at him. "Hey..."

[julienxs]

andergare replied to your post: Thank you and I don't know when you plan on going back to New York but I want to see you before you go and no things aren't okay with yet but we need to talk and you need to listen.

Well I asked Zach to take you back with him when he leaves. So i guess before visiting hours are up. But you need to listen to what I say don’t interrupt me and don’t make it about you or anything like that cause this isn’t about you…

I know, I'm not going to, Gare. I've been wrong and I know that and I'll do what you need from me. Even if that means leaving.

[julienxs]

Thank you and I don't know when you plan on going back to New York but I want to see you before you go and no things aren't okay with yet but we need to talk and you need to listen.

I'm here as long as you're here. I know you don't like it but I can't leave you, maybe it's selfish but that's how it is. Whatever you need, Gare. Let me know when you want me to come back there.

[julienxs]

Private

[sir-kurt-deactivated20131207]

Thank you. I know I don’t deserve it because I kept it from you, too. But thank you all the same. 

It’s something pretty major to get over. I wouldn’t blame anyone for not being able to handle it. I’d run if it was me. It’s not something you want to get into unless you’re serious and it’s not…I don’t regret taking Peter. He’s probably the best thing I’ll ever have in my life. And I’m not going to take away his father because I fell in love. I’m not going to…if it does come to that, I don’t want to drag him through the courts. I don’t want him to see his fathers fighting. I’d rather him be with two people who will love and take care of him than one. It’ll hurt more than I think anything else ever would….but I can’t put him though something he shouldn’t be. I’m only his father on paper….Gare said it himself. 

[julienxs]

You did, but Gare's the one who should have told me when it happened. He knows what he and Audrey mean to me. I always thought I'd be his kid's godparent and everything, how stupid was I.

Hey, Peter is an amazing little boy and anyone who doesn't have their heart stolen by him in an instant doesn't have a heart. You just need the right person. When the feelings and connection is strong enough it won't be enough to scare someone off. I know it wouldn't be for me. I get that but it's not fair to you to just expect for none of this to matter. You've had him since he was a baby and that's....that's huge. You're his father in a lot more than that, Kurt. I can tell you about a person who is only father on paper and he's not you. You are so much more than that. I'd have killed to have a father like you when I was a child.

[sir-kurt-deactivated20131207]

Private

[sir-kurt-deactivated20131207]

Well right now he mostly sleeps. But he likes hitting the little baby drums he has and he’s good at helping me pick fabric. Color? Anything bright, really. He doesn’t have a favorite story but he likes laying on whoever is reading’s chest. I think it’s the vibrations. 

[julienxs]

A drummer, huh? That'll be fun when he's older. Yeah? Bet he loves helping you. Hmm, I might have to go shopping for the petit coeur. Would it be okay...I mean I know I can't right now but I mean...could I read to him someday?

[sir-kurt-deactivated20131207]

Private

What do you want to know?

[julienxs]

What does he like to do? Does he have a favorite color? What's his favorite story? I know he's only a year old but just...everything. I've missed so much.

[julienxs]

Private

[the-zach-anderson]

Alright… do you want any food or anything? I’m waiting for a text back from Gare before I head over. But i’m leaving later today. I could bring you something to eat when I come.

[julienxs]

Thank you, but I think I'll be alright. I've actually come to enjoy the walks I take to go get food. It's...a relief to get away from the anger and everything.

[julienxs]

Private

[sir-kurt-deactivated20131207]

It still wasn’t my place to say it. I shouldn’t have. He’s going to hate me no matter what happens. There’s no point in trying to say he won’t because we both know he will. Who knows if it’ll make things better. But it’s my reality now. 

I will be. At least for a long time. I don’t think there’s a way for me to ever have somebody. Who would want someone who’s already been engaged, has a kid, and hung up on the kids father who I let see the kid whenever he wants? It’s my bed I’ve made, now I have to lie in it alone. I don’t…I’ve always been scared this was only for a while. That eventually Gare would decide that he wants him back and…courts have ruled in his favor before. It wouldn’t be unheard of. Even though Peter is the best thing in my life. Even though I don’t do anything but work, school, and take care of him. They could take him away from me and I’d never be his Papa again. He hasn’t used me. I’ve been the idiot to think that it all meant something more than what it did. I’m the one who fell in love with him. I’m the one at fault. 

[julienxs]

You're right. He should have told me as soon as he was born. I'll tell him it wasn't your fault. I doubt it'll help but...I'll be here for you for whatever you need, bebe. It'll be okay.

If someone doesn't look past that they don't deserve you anyway. You are an amazing person, Kurt. If Garrett can't see that then it's on him. Anyone would be lucky to have you, Kurt. So, so lucky and those things are not limitations, they show how strong and amazing you really are. Because that's what you are, Kurt. Strong and amazing and you deserve all the love in the world. I'll fight for you, you were given Peter for a reason and if he does that....you will always be his Papa, Kurt. All this time you've put in to help him can NEVER ever be replaced or changed. You are his Papa.

[julienxs]

Private

[wannabedisneyprince-deactivated]

You don’t need to apologise to me of all people, just… try and stop beating yourself up over all this so much. I’d be willing to bet my last dime that that’s what got him so angry, and wishing you could take it all back doesn’t change what happened, so we just need to focus on showing Gare that he’ll be loved and supported no matter what happens.

[julienxs]

I know, and actually what got him angry, I think, was people going after Spencer and I got blamed for it cause Val defended me. To be honest though I'm kind of angry with him right now, myself.

[julienxs]

TEXT | Julien & Val

Val: Of course, give me a bit of time and I'll be right there.

Jules: Thank you so much.

[julienxs]

TEXT | Julien & Val

Val: I can find a way up, you know. I was planning on attempting later on but I can go up early.

Jules: Would you?

[julienxs]

Private

[the-zach-anderson]

Julien… I know you don’t want to leave there. But those chairs are going to get any more comfortable. You need a proper bed to sleep in for a bit. Then you can go back and just sit there. But please… get a few good hours of sleep.

[julienxs]

I'll think about it, that's all I'm willing to promise at this point. I just don't want to chance it. I've been laying across chairs and getting some sleep, I'm fine.

[julienxs]

TEXT | Julien & Val

Val: ... Wow.

Val: Jules - ... I don't know what to say, I'm sorry.

Jules: I'll figure it out. I just need to calm down.

[julienxs]

Private

[the-zach-anderson]

Why don’t you get a hotel room or something Jules? I’m alright I suppose.

[julienxs]

I don't want to leave here. Just in case.