Fragments of My Life

I think this will be my diary for myself. No one I know should follow me on this. mwahahahah

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wow so today is sunday. It's been quite a few weeks since last being on here. my grandpa passed away over my spring break :( so besides that not really much. I really am enjoying the classes I'm in this quarter. also I'm in spanish 3 @2 with [l] and we never sit together or really talk so that for me is a super sad face :"( also spanish 3 is just muthfudgin hard for me so that's gay :( oh welllll. wish me luck pweasee! <3 

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mondaay! sorry for the inconsistent check ins! but I went home friday and stuff got busy. and then my parents decided to turn off the wifi so now I'm relegated to using my mommy's computer and I don't go on very often. anyways though nothing really new. home IS WONDERFUL. it's so nice to be home with my famerrryyy! <3 <3 umm my grandpa is not doing well and I think he is steadily declining :( I feel really bad for my dad and my grandma. I really hope that God will give them peace though. also it kinda sucks how I can't speak to either sets of my grandparents very well and I realllyyyyyy reaaalllyyyyy regret not being able to build a better relationship and be closer with them because of my inability to speak their languages :( </3 ughhh life. there are so many damn regrets. It's pretty darn overwhelming most of the time too. also another egret to add to the list is [l]. like honestly I'm super disgusted with myself over the way I feel like I'm constantly thinking of him and it's sooooooo lame of me. I really really want to stop! ughh also he was in my deam last night so that was weird. it was a super strange dream and I just want to stop obsessing over him already. the harsh reality is that nothing is going to happen, never was going to happen, and never will happen. I seriously hope I'm not too weird if I see him again cus honestly I've been mooning over him for way tooo long! I also really hope I get into the 2pm class though so Jesus please help me out there. ughhh. decision decisions. and then life happens. anyways this is a kinda gloomy post and I'm sorry for that.

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thursdaaay! so this essay is kinda kickin my butt but also not really :) :( soooo yeaaah. I don 't wanna write it or studyyyy. but i has tooooo </3 pooo. so yesterday I talked to [m] about my smikin sesh with [l] and [s] and she helped me see that I was probably over reacting and it may just be a french thing. hahaha my cousin also said the same kinda thing on how I shouldn't take it personally because it may just be a European thing. lol but anyways [m] also said she would probably say something like that too and in response to if someone said that to her she'd just laugh. goshdarn I really wish I could have gone back and not made it awkwarddsss by being high and being too sensitive and over thinking it. but whatvsss it's done and over with now. I can't particularly see us doing that again cus he probably thinks I'm weird (which I am sometimessss but not ALWAYSSS) anywhooos. I think 'm just gonna be chill and not think about this anymore (hopefully) because that would be super dumbbb. okaaay so off to write more of my paper. peaceee

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wowww. yesterday was such a roller coaster of bad emotions. but now it's weeeeeed wednesday! yayy! okay so I guess all is well with my life for now. I mean I still have a damn essay to write and a final to study forr. but [m] and I are chill and I still feel weird about the whole [l] thing but I guess it's whatever now. mmmmm talking to my cousin always makes things better and she helped me out last night so I'm verry verry happy about that. andddd nowww I needa study (which I hopefully will) and I shall go. byeeee

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yay [m] is talking to me now!! I think we're good. I vented my anger here and it seems she isn't holding a grudge anymoree. huzzaaah!!

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so I feel like I want to write more on [l] even though this is really weird. I think I just really liked the idea of being able to hang out with him cus I genuinely felt like I would enjoy his company. see I totally wished I could have said that to him. maybe not in those words but tell him why I actually shared my weed. and why it wasn't a manipulation. urghh. umm I guess I'm also depressed and disappointed because he didn't seem to be even a little bit interested or like me (?) (but seriously why should/would he.??) my life sucks man. augghh. I'm just sad I guess. it always sucks when you feel like someone that you like doesn't even like you back a little bit. okay gonna stop obssessing nowww!!!!!

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tuesdaay. today has been such a twisted tuesday. it's been pretty gay actually. it just keeps getting shittier and shittier though. so I had my li101 final and that was kinda dumb and I got really tired of writing. anyways so I was too tired to do any studying for my spanish 3 final( and I didn't want to) also today's weather got progressively worse and that adds to the shittieness of this moment..anywayss I was trippin cus of the final and then I was thinking of asking [l] and [s] to smoke again too. so they said yes and we took our final and then we went to go smoke. it was this cool spot under the bridge for 9/10. so anyways I feel like it got awkward when I said to [l] that he was annoying after he threw some shit at me. then he was all like well why do you talk to me?. and I was flustered and didn't say anything. and then I was like you're mean then he was all like oh what you think I need to be nice to you cus you're letting me smoke here with you and sharing your weed. and it was a weird and awkward moment. and I feel like I felt it was awkward because 1. we were high and 2. I couldn't really think of a reply cus I guess it just shocked me what he said(?) I dunno though.(it bugged me then and it kinda still does, I'm not even 100% entirely sure why though myself) all I know was that it felt really weird for me after that. oh also 3. is my raging frickin horomones which give me emotions and mood swings that suck balls ffor no fucking reason. ughhh like everything before that moment was fuckin chill for me and he seemed fun as fuck and then I guess after I got all sensitive I was just like what the fuck? like I didn't even get to reply cus I couldn't even say anything because I guess it just bugged me a hell of a lot that he would say something like that. but the thing is I just can't be all super awks now and I am trying to be in the class that he's in next quarter so ummm he probably doesn't even care though. like I'm pretty mad at myself for caring right now. I understand why it would be soooooo much easier to not give any fucks but I always care too much and can't seem to reach the level of giving no fucks! okay but I just wanted to write that and it felt cathartic actually. okay so um I guess this is me writing down for myself that I need to GET OVER [L]. and myself! but seriously like I don't know. maybe I actually bugged him and I'll see him like maybe one more time unless I get into the class that he's in but now I guess I'll just be friendly but not be like all googly over him like I was earlier (and still a little bit now T_T I can't control it) but for reals like nothing would have happened and I can't believe I thought I was in his leaguee. sad for lifeee. okay now I shall go and cry a bit. (but not really, actually yes maybe really because I feel like my life has been goshdarn shitty after that smoking session moment. actually I kinda want to discuss [s] being there. like I for sure get the vibe that she likes [l] as well. and I just feel as though he can't be interested in me and that he's interested in her and I dunno. I was probably just high and shit was getting into my braiiin. dammiittttt. That was so awks though. and I'm so sad because I saw that it would have been pretty awesome to chill with [l]. ughhh but I don't want to be jealous of [s] but I kinda feel like I am. and it makes me mad with myself too! likee whhyyy do I have to fricking feel that way!?!? I don't want to! damn you women emotions and especially fuckin jealousy! okay but now I wan to talk about how my day got even shittier after that. wait I guess I should say that I still don't know what to do with the awkwardness I feel with [l] but I hope it goes away and I can get the fuck over it. but we said bye to each other and I think I really will miss seeing his beautiful face. so it was wonderful knowing you [l] and it shall be forever a secret that I had a ginormous crush on you. wait so I'm going to get to how the day got shittier as well in a sec. but I just want to say that ughh I have such feelings of jealousy towards [s] because I realize that they may see each other around and it's weird to me because I'm definitely still jealous (EVEN THOUGH I SHOULDN'T BE AND I REALLY DONT LIKE THE FEELING IT GIVES ME x-x. dammit all to hell. I wrote so much and I'm still kinda high. and I still need discuss the fiasco with [m] ughhh. so I come back from the awkward sesh and I want to go to the cafe. so I ask [m] if she wants to go and she says yes. then we get there and we're in line and I realize I don't have my ID so I ask [m] if she can pay and I'd gt her two meals later. she agrees(grumpily, cus you know...) and we get to the front. so the guy takes our order and then [m] starts getting huffy about what I was getting and how much it cost but I told her I would pay her back. so we end up going like 2 or 3 dollars over the meals and she realizes she doesn't have her damn ID either. so the guy asks [m] for her ID number and she gives it to him. then we realize that she doesn't have any flexis so because I do he asks for my number. and I feel like I felt a really accusing gaze from [m] and then my brain just shut down and cus I had smoked earlier that didn't fuckin help either so I was just freaking out cus I COULDN'T REMEMBER MY DAMN ID NUMBER!!! that shit was so scary. I think it was a mixture of embarrassment and pressure and highness and fucking performance anxiety that it friggin left my mind! ughhhh. so there we were for fridgin 5 minutes trying to remember my number and I can feel everyone freakin putting on the pressure and then getting more and more mad and annoyed. and it was like well fuck you guys! I really can't remember and you're not the only ones who are frustrated and mad. I was also scared cus it was like my freakin memory was gone in an instant and I could not for the life of me FUCKING REMEMBER.. that was one of the scariest and most shittiest things to happen to me. also I just felt judged (by [m] and the dude working) and it sucked balls cus they were acting like I was being difficult on purpose. you know how scary that shit is!? I fuckin forgot something that I pretty much use on a daily basis and have memorized since GOSHDAMN freshman year! you can't be mad AT ME. I'm fucking mad at you guys. shit. I really am though. like I feel like it's unreasonable of her to be super pissed at me because we both left our IDs at home so it was also her fault. oh plus then she threw out her iced coffee so it would only be 2 meals and not over so of course that made me feel like a bitch because she said she really wanted a coffee and she could have taken something of mine off since my stuff was most of what she was paying for. gaaah! this just makes me fuckin mad. I'm sorry I'm slow when I'm high but please stop holding a grudge towards me when I said sorry a million times. like fuck you too man. it was also partly your fault. cant blame me foR ALL of that shit. like yes I am also to blame but don't act like freakin wholier-than-thou and as if you have a right to be wayyyy TOO PISSED at me. and also please don't friggin tell me to just stop saying sorry because it just keeps making you madder and madder. like shit then bitch. I already feel freakin horrible which is why I'm apologizing and you're gonna say it makes you madder!?!?!? myyyyy baaaaaddddd. fuck that man. see fuck this night. I feel really shitty and I just want to cry and sleep when I should be happy I'm done with 2 of my finals. </3 ughhh I just wrote so much shit here. this is uberr uber long. ughh and that has been my shitty day. first [l] then [m]. merrrr. I just feel really cruddy now. </3 </3 :""(((((( it also didn't get any better when we got back. I feel like she was being fake nice to me and also ignoring me at the same time but of course I didn't call her out for it. I never do that shit. ughhh sooooo maad. like I'm trying to make amend yeah but I son't see why you're going to continue to hold a grudge. damnnnn. I dont even know anymore. I think I'm really sad over the whole [l] thing too. ughhh 

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ahhh! it's alreadyy monday! so I'm very sorry I havent written in a while. the damn internet connection has been sucking SOOOOOO MANYYYY BALLLS lately and it's like fuck it. but anyways nothing has really happened recently. um friday I smoked with [s]. I actually invited [l] too but he couldn't come. I'm such a chicken though! I wanted to just ask him but [s] was also there and I was too embarrassed. whatevsss. we may possibly all smoke together tomorrow after our final but I dunno how windy it will be and whether it will rain :/ so there are a whole bunch of reasons why I may not be able to smoke with the beautiful [l]. ummm so sat and sun I didn't do much. I should have (and should still be) studying my butt off but I'm just over it. oooo on sat we went to the meadow and [a] brought hellllaaaa weed and bought us nite owl cookies so that was dope. it was a really amazing night and we saw shooting stars which are super gorgeouss! this was coooool. ummm I have mood issues though for realsies. I get random feelings of pissyness at my housemates and that's lamee. but okaaay. I'm gonna go "study" now hahah

oooh also I'm #1 on the waitlist for the Spanish 3 class I want next quarter so that's cool. I just don't want to get too excited and I'm actually pretty scared that I'm still not gonna get in cus people aren't gonna wanna drop :( I'm scared but I realllyyyy realllyyyyy hope that it can work out

EDIT: I just remembered that [a] came over to smoke on Sat and it was superrr funn! I made a bomb ass breakfast and got superrrr high :D yay for that!!! then I had sushi and got glow in the dark nail polish! wooooo

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thursdaaay! so I'm sorry I didn't write here yesterday. I went to le beach again and [j] massaged me so that was AWESOME! also I was super fridgin sad cus yesterday was the second to last day I'll see the beautiful face of [l]. arghhh! I'm gonna miss his sexiness. so in Spanish I didn't bring my book and I asked to share with him and we were reading a poem about love and he told me what it was saying and can I just say goshdamn that was the sexiest thing ever. he read me the love poem (admittedly about a break up but still romantic nonetheless lol) in his sexxxyyy sexxyyyy accent and he just read it in a super sexy way okay. ahhh it was heavenly! thank you God for letting me know this sexiness in my life. also I had a good time with [j] cus she bought me boba and nachos! It was sooooo yumm! and then when we were coming back it was really weird cus I'm for sure certain I saw M*** get on the bus and it was super awks. I really hope he didn't see me but I feel like maybe he did and was ignoring me. oh wells. after I recognized it was him (I'm pretty sure it was him) I definitely tried to not look at him anymore. welllllll I think that covers everything important about wednesday.

so today I said goodbye to my favorite professor and favorite class. I also got to hug her so I'm really happy about that! I think I;m in love with her brain too hahah. ummmm and then I went to visit [a] at le co-op and made a bomb diggity breakfast of scrambled eggs with cheese and kale! sooooo delicioso! also the pickles at the co-op are fridgin amaze-balls! mmmm I'm excited for spring break and I can't wait to be done with my finalsss! :( wish me luck on studyinggg! I sure as heck am gonna need it!. okaaay. peaceee

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tuesdaaay! I went to le beach with [j] and so that was fuuunn! I'm going to go again tomorrow with [j.m] so that's exciting (:also I got to walk with [l] yesterday. he's soooo adorableee. omaagooshh! aghh. okay also I was able to talk to my professor and I really really hope I can get in. please God please let me get into this 2pm Spanish class! arggh tons of homework to do :( also I had a shift at the co-op today and that was nice. made a bagel and eggs and got kaleee! yeee. so yummyyy! (: mkaay well I'm going to watch more new girl and I should definitely do some more homework as well so ttyl

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mondayyy. so nothing really I suppose. I'm trying to see if my tolerance for smoking with pipes has been really high and it has. I just took like 5 hits and that usually will get me pretty high but I don't really feel anything. this sun out here on the balcony feels super delicious though! also so glad I'm done with my lit101 paper. I feel so sad that I won't have that class next quarter. it made me really frickin happy and convinced me that my major was the right one. ohh gosh darn. it really has spoiled me for any other classes though. I feel like I'll always complain that there's too much writing or reading to do. golly. and after spanish I have to go and stalk the spanish professor to be in his class. ughh. I hope it's not awkward and that he can actually help me out! please God let it happen! I feel liightweight high right now not super high but kinda just a tad bit. actually it's so vague I could classify this as nothing right now. it's cool though I have class in a bit and have to leave sometimes soon. 

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ahhh sunday! so that weird jump in time is ridiculous. we ended up going to bed at like 3:30 because of it. ad now it's 11:30 and I have SOOOOOOO MUCHHHH HOMEWORK that needs to be done :"(. booooooooo. okay so last night was chill. we went to say goodbye to [c] and it was cool. we bought a 1/4 of weed so that's cool. now we gotta make it last over the next two weeks. I think it'll be fine though. I'm so excited for school to end! I also really hope I get into these fudgin classes I need because I don't even know what to do if I can't :( ughhh too much to do! I hope I shall get it all done

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saturdaaay. so last night was coool. I didn;t do very much. just hung out. so sad that pipes don't seem to get me high anymore though :"( uhmm also I feel like I keep obsessing over [l] and I just feel like I'm so stupid for that. like ewww stop my brain already. but I feel so awkward that he seems to pop up in my brains A LOT and I feel that's super awksss. okaaay and that's all I can say. oh I asked him if he smokes yesterday and he said only sometimes. soooo I guess that's not an option for bonding. oh wellls. okaay. also I need to do heeellllllaaaaa homework (sadforlifeandallthedays) so I'm gonna go procrastinate somemore but also try and do more homework. okaaay tooodles 

EDIT: umm also I just remembered that [l] said he probably won't go to class anymore because we're almost done anywayss :'( so saaaad.. yeeaah that made me feel depressed because when will I get the chance to see his beautiful face!? okaay. that's it. no more thinking. I needa get down to homework!

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meeerrrrrrrr. so friday i finally here but it's not my best friday ever. I definitely did thirsty thurs last night and I gotta admit I drank waaay too much. I definitely black out but I had a good time from what I do remember. ughhh. I woke up really retarded though and found out that I had thrown up and I threw up more after that. not the business ! ummm after that I think I'm good on drinking nothing tonight! wooo. also my spanish midterm is freaking me out right now so I think I'm gonna go study with what little time I have left and hopefully not feel too shitty durante mi examen. :'( no stoked. I did make same amazing bomb chicken and kale last night so that was awesome! also this is suer weird but there was definitely hair up my butthole. I don't know how that happened but it was really gross and I was like WTF!? and I'm still kinda scared. LIKEEE WHAAAAT!??? okay so I have to go now but I'm just hoping I can get through this test! omg so it was weird yesterday cus I definitely saw that [m] is in a relationship on fb. I felt pretty awkward after that but I guess I'm meh about it now, and I want to ask [l] if he wants to smik today but we have the final and I'm not sure who will be done or not done first and it would just be weird. but if we do get done at the same time I'll forsure ask him if he's down cus he's awesomeely cute and it would be fate ;) anywhooos. wish me luck!

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thursday. I went to go get tested for HIV with [j] and that was pretty scary. I do not have HIV though so THANK YOU JESUS! but it put me in a weird mood because I discussed with the girl -who gave me the oral test- my rape. it was so weird cus she was a complete stranger and I completely told her what was up and she was really nice about it. I'm so happy I have [j] as a friend. he's pretty darn supportive and I don;t feel judgement from him after I told him what happened. anywhooooos. I really hope I don't ahve any STI's or STD's cus that will not be okay. oh golly I'm kinda scared. I feel like I should go and talk to the resources on campus about what happened but I'm kinda scared and also lazy. but oh wells. maybe some other time. umm anyways I'm still in a weirdish mood. I really have to get my shit done though so wish me luck in this studying/homework stuff

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weeeed wednesdaay. I'm so shleeepppyyyy. anyways I'm really scared about not making it into this 2pm spanish class. first off because I'm so not down to take it with the prof I'm signed up with right now (I've only heard that she's really hard and I'm not ready for that) also because then I'll have to find another class (which is a pain in the arse). and also because I won't be able to see [l]. awww he's sooooooooo cuteee. I feel retarded for being so googly over him but ooooheemmmgeeeee. he is so adorbs. eww okay *must stop fawning over him* okay. I'm really excited that this quarter is almost done with! aghh! and I really really needa get into that 2pm class so wish me luck when I go and talk to the prof tomorrow.!!! arghsss. okay also umm I dunno what else. I'll just go and do my reading now :'( 

well actually I just want to express my semi sadness about this quarter ending. mainly because I'll miss lit 101! boooohoooooooooooooo. I really hope I get the classes I want/need for next quarter!!! :(

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tuesdaay. soo still not in the 2pm class. I'm really nervous I'm not going to get in. like this is a serious issue for me if I don;t. urghh I hate this feel. It's so frustrating gosh darn it! anwhooos. I'm gonna have a shift today at the co-op so that's kinda cool. I also feel kinda sad that I have early classes cus I always try to go to bed early and I miss hanging out with my housemates. but maybe it is good cus then I don;t smoke and absence makes the heart grow fonder. hahah. I dunno if that really applies here but whatevs. also this is super lame but why do am I constantly thinking about [l]. ahh maybe he's like a fascination for me because he's too gorg and waaay outta my league and possibly likes a lot of girls (me not even being one of them) and also he may already have a gf? I dunno I love putting myself into these situations were I crush on guys completely unattainable. boooohooooo. :( ughh well that's all for now I suppose. well except for the darn fact that I really really really hope that this man will respond to my email and say YES YOU MAY HAVE A PERMISSION CODE! (please God please let this happen)