guidance @juneverlasting - Tumblr Blog

Posts

I’m on the bus. It’s mid-day like 2 p.m. The sun is out. The sky is blue. Everything is bright. And I’m headed south. I won’t be coming back. Not me or my backpack with a pack of cards, a passport, my laptop, a camera and a bunch of chargers. The SD card is clean. All that’s left on my laptop is music. I’m wearing that Michigan sweater. I’m wearing the newest blue jeans I have and my nike shoes. I didn’t even bring my glasses. I’m going blind on this one. No need for directions. I’m on a bus and I’m headed south. Me an my bag. Me and my dreams. Me and who I was. Headed south.

But there’s still the external hard drive with 500 gb of everything that I can’t let go. Photos of her, photos of us, photos of him and them. Words only they had ever told me. People in time only I’d ever known. Moments. Beautiful moments I got to see.

I can’t let go.

Never completely.

But I have to leave it all behind.

New beginnings are my thing. Self-cleanse. From zero.

March 30 2017

I’m still here. It’s been a while since I talked about things. There are some moments I’ve been reminding myself of over the past year that I wanted to share with you. For one, there was seeing Alex go -- not the Alex that died, the Alex from Russia who told me, before he left... “it was nice to meet you and to work with you and to know you.” I felt like that was an all around nice thing for him to have said. And then there’s Joe -- not the Joe who lost his father, the Joe who lost his daughter, Dalia, at birth -- the Joe who told me something he had never told anyone. He told me he was very upset that she died. Because even though he was terrified of being a father, he didn’t want her to die. Well anyway, Joe and I said our goodbyes. I told him he taught me a lot and that it was nice to have worked with him. I kind of stole that from Alex. He patted my back before I left. “I’m gonna miss you buddy.”

Life is worthwhile for moments like those. I mean it really is quite unique, you know, to have these specific individuals with their specific thoughts, experiences, and idiosyncrasies sharing these moments with you. It’s completely precious and I think that it’s important that I store it some place nice in my soul and carry it wherever I go.

Then there are my friends who I think I love. All their faces and all of those moments.... I think again that it’s this which makes life worthwhile. A young man and his little sister growing up in a house. She’s learning and looking up to him. And he has his doubts you know like all of us do, but she’s young and she doesn’t realize yet how unsure and lost he really is. But for her, he represents home and foundation and comfort. I like that. I like seeing my friends become their own, establishing their own place in the world and making decisions that they’ve never made before.

Other friends are more lost than ever and I kick myself for it. In a way, I could have prevented it or pushed them in a different direction. Instead, out of fear or just plain willful ignorance, I let them follow these darker paths. I let them get angry and frustrated at their lives. I let them lie stagnant instead of pushing them forward.... I discriminated.

There was someone else I did push. I wanted desperately for him to find some kind of stability. Because in his case I did see the ruin in his future and I did what I could to prevent it, but at least for now it feels like it didn’t really lead to anything. He’s still where he started although with a little more experience and hopefully a vision of something more.

I should have pushed both of them though. I should have done that instead of messing around with my same old addictions. By pushing one I abandoned the other. I made it seem like he was worth more than the other guy.

And then there’s Melinda, who I actually find myself more attached to than I want to admit. I’ve already made my decision. No going back. But it’s hard to not want to fall into her world.

I must move on. Towards something new.

February 19, 2017

Human ambiance

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8ib5AdrOgY

Overriding wisdom.

beyond all ideas of right and wrong there is a field

i will be meeting you there

swoon soft wet shreds soft explosion

So today is november 5, 2013.

#post from the past #post into the future #future post #hello future people #how are you doing in the future #ill see you in 13 years

Killer ennui. That futureless feeling. No light at the end of the tunnel. Just the tunnel. And I can feel the wheels all around me. Or I keep walking into them. I make the same fucking mistakes and I’m aimless. I’m losing strength physically, mentally, emotionally. My will is weak. I need to give it a jumpstart. I considered cutting a finger off for every time I....

Until eventually I can’t do it anymore.

What I need is a jolt. I need to faint. I need to be reawakened. And it needs to be serious. Because right now. I can’t bite into anything with any crunch. Just soft bread. ennui bread.

12 July 2016

I wasn’t strong enough tonight. I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to break free from this. I never learn my lesson. I fall for the same traps. And I pay the price for it every time. I’m sickened

There are only two days left for me working in that place. And like at the end of every chapter in my life, my soul is elated. I’ve felt so pure. They all know how to make a person feel worthwhile. Life is worthwhile and I’ve found it’s because of people. They’re the ones that make it worth living. And we can do the same for them. That’s very important too. Make sure they know, they are appreciated. Human beings gain their power that way. It’s our fuel. Just as important as food and water. Without people’s love, we wither and die.

I’m going to continue trying to push forward. Forward. That’s where I will forever be headed. Well, maybe not always.... There are moments, I’d sure like to visit them again. I wish I could see you again. And you. And you. And you. And you. And you. And you two. And you. And you.

I’m sorry everyone. I can be better. I just.... wish I could be.

I see the orange street lights again. The air is icy cool, but the breeze is silky smooth. I’m enveloped in a veil of silver mist. I’m riding a bike down towards another chapter. Down a hill. I don’t need to pedal for a while. The road is leading the way. Intermission.

8 May 2016

You're doing well! Really you are. Your actions are in line with your purpose, but everyone needs a moment to stop and watch the time pass by. Clarity of mind. Take it easy. You're just about involved with everything you need to be involved in now. I'm proud of you. Slow down. The cool chilling fresh air isn't far. Cherish every step you take getting there. This is life. February 1, 2016 2:32 p.m.

Cindy’s crying.

Cindy’s crying. I can’t remember if I hugged her or not. But I remember thinking about all the times I wish I did hug when I was in situations like that before.

I’ve got this thing where I can’t touch people. It’s a trust thing. I need to know for sure, for sure for sure, that the recipient is 100 percent okay with me touching them. Because touch is a big deal for me. That’s acting physically upon someone else. When people touch me, it burns. I shudder. But I just smile and keep my cool because I know they don’t know any better. I don’t say anything or make anything of it. Just deal with the burning shoulder, the pat on the back, the hand shake for social convention’s sake. I keep this secret from most of the world, but I make sure, damn sure, that I don’t do the same to other people just in case they happen to be potential touchphobes like me. Buyt getting permission is hard sometimes. Asking directly “can I hug you?” almost takes the healing powers away from the gesture. Although, I guess I’m rather thankful when people ask me that question. But Cindy’s crying. And my mother was crying beside me at her mother’s funeral. Fortunately, at that event, my cousin was there to hug her. Kinda made me look bad in front of all the extended relatives, but that’s how it goes for a touchphobe.

Although Cindy crying now is different. We’re alone just the two of us and it’s late. And she just confessed something really sad, something that sounded so pathetic and sad that hearing herself say it has draw her to tears and crying. I gotta do something. She’s cold. But I’m freezing. I can’t do anything. I can only watch her like a prisoner behind bars in despair.

Whether I hugged her or not that night, I watched her long enough to think long about it. I hope I gave her a hug. I hope I made absolutely sure she wanted that.

I’m afraid all the happenings in my life that I hold dear will be buried deep beneath the sands of time, unfathomable, unreachable, they’ll become. Never again remembered. Maybe never happened.

January 21, 2016 12:27 a.m.

I’m proud of you. I know you feel bad that you did that today, but it took some restraint not to take it where you know you could have. Don’t forget about your destiny marcus. Don’t let the music go sour. I believe in you and I’m with you. You’re never alone. Everyone’s watching, counting on you. Don’t let us down. Don’t let me down. And good luck with the Bernie Sanders campaign. You’ll do great you know.

January 20, 2015 8:21 p.m.

Listen close. This is important. Don’t let yourself forget about this feeling. The night is young and you will miss it if you go through with this. Remember your mission. Life is precious and it can be long so long as you cast away these temporary feelings of poisonous desire. Remember the icy gray air and the orange glow. Think about the hammock on the balcony behind the kitchen. Remember the porch? Or what about the wooden roundtable bench surrounding the fire overlooking the ocean. These aesthetics will abandon you if you abandon them. These sources of tranquility and longevity will be casted away if you go through with this. Don’t. You know you will regret it deeply. Listen to the music. Run. For the light amidst darkness. Peace of mind is within reach. Reach it. For them.

January 18, 2015

I’m concerned with a lot. I gotta do Journalism projects for both 207 and 208 I haven’t started on either. I have to write a 10 pg. paper by 8 am tomorrow. I haven’t started that. I got an Econ class I can’t figure out like at all. And now I’m sitting her watching this angry looking Econ teacher show us some complicated looking algorithm to figure out our grade. I’m cold. It’s like 20 degrees in my room. If I were to die right now, I want people to know that I died frustrated. Frustrated with myself for having not done more with the opportunities I had. Frustrated with other people who don’t realize how fortunate they are. It isn’t about being grateful, that’s useless. It’s about using that good fortune to help others. I think life is a challenge. Human beings are curious. We can ask “why?” and because of that we have the ability to ask the universe questions. I believe that is our mission. I believe that everything should be geared towards that. We need to focus. We are strongest together. We cannot let people die when they can be saved. When everyone is wealthy with knowledge, shelter, and food, then we can maximize human potential. We can go forward in full force towards our mission.

I sit here afraid. This is the second time I feared for my life in this class. I loathe Econ because it seems to justify all of man’s most terrible qualities. The first time I feared for my life in here, a young man was touching himself in the seat in front of me. His complete disregard for social norms scared me. If he could disregard that social rule what else could he do? Now the threat is likely much less severe. A young man stands behind me. Directly behind me. And I sit in the very back. He hasn’t done anything really to alarm, but I’m terrified nonetheless. My back temples, my spine is exhausted from the tension. I await the bullet to my brain.

To my family. Please do something good for the world. Please question everything you can. Be very careful. DO NOT WASTE TIME. But don’t be in a hurry either. Take it easy on yourself when you need to. That’s important. Forgive people. Adapt to people. Some people can’t change. Some people have been hurt so bad it shows in their behavior and character. Be patient and gentle with them. If you find people that disagree with you, try and understand them. Understanding is your strongest weapon. If you can understand people, you are invincible. I love you. Yes, you. Please rise.

November 30, 2015 2:40 PM