he/she/they, call me whatever you like :)
in my mid-twenties and my mid-life crisis
[what else would make me write slow burn fanfics about fictional men]
Summary: Bucky had only started feeling like a human again, had earned his place under the Avengers. And now? Now he had to face you. The person he'd once failed to protect from himself.
A decade after almost being killed by the Winter Soldier, you decided that your plan to go after Hydra all on your own wouldn't work. But instead of finding actual help within SHIELD, they put you with the Avengers and hope they'll get you back to your senses.
or: imagine living with a very entitled alien within your body, while you try to destroy all remains of the experiment that ruined your life and simultaneously fall for the man who was meant to be your end
general tags: angst, drama&romance, fluff, domestic avengers, protective!Bucky, trauma, healing (a lot of mental health stuff in general), hurt/comfort, slow burn, smut, found family, mentions of past torture, blood and voilence, dark themes, soft!Bucky, he's touch-starved, reader has powers, use of y/n because I'm oldschool, curvy reader(but it's not a major point of the story yet)
Notes: this is a long fanfic, originally posted on ao3. I know that tumblr is usually more for one shots and small series, but I had so much fun with expressing myself on this account that I'm posting it anyways :D
chapter summary/ tags/warnings: smut, p in v, lil bit of oral action (m receiving), reader tops, Bucky's a bit submissive in this one mb, explicit language, creampie, body worship and praise kink but on both sides (they also have a tiny moment in front of a mirror, idk if that's worth mentioning tho), supersoldier stamina iykwim
Series Masterlist <- !general tags will be found here!
Authors Note: Bucky is touch starved we know that. But i think he's just as starved of affection and reassurance, so let's just comibine it all and- oh would you look at that, he's whimpering… (also, just because the gif could be misleading, Steve's not the one getting his shit rocked sry)
Chapter 25
You were still debating whether you should ask someone for a blanket or a jacket to cover yourself and all the unsightly holes in your uniform when Tony and Sam entered the room at the current mission's outpost.
Sam's eyebrows shot up and Tony smirked when they looked you over.
“What in the hell happened to you?”, Sam cocked his head to the side. “Did they munch on you, too?”
You shook your head. “No. I melted my damn suit.”
“She was too hot”, Nat joked from the table in the middle of the room, where agent Rick was still sorting through some of the evidence.
“Can tell”, Tony chuckled and joined them.
The last two Avengers entered the room behind Sam and Tony, both looking rather disgruntled and worn out.
Bucky's mouth was drawn in a thin line, when he checked the reason for Natasha's strange comment.
“So that wasn't just a saying?”, Steve asked. “You meant it when you said she was burning up?”
Wanda gave him a nod, shrugging her shoulders. “Not sure why you'd expected us to make that up, she gets kinda warm when she uses her powers.”
“I just didn't think...you know?”, he gestured towards you and you suppressed the urge to roll your eyes.
Couldn't they finally stop talking about it? It was embarrassing enough to walk around like this in front of so many SHIELD agents.
Bucky made his way across the room, straight toward you, without looking at anyone else.
“You're okay, right? You're not hurt?”
He lifted your chin with his fingers and turned your head to search for injuries, then continued his inspection for the rest of your body with only his eyes as you pushed his hand off in anger. “I'm perfectly fine.”
He relaxed once he realized that you were okay, but his gaze remained fixed on your face, even though you could hardly conceal your temper.
But he got the hint as you put a good foot or two in between you both.
You weren't ready to pick up your fight with him again... you were wishing that, for some reason, this mission would drag on, just so you wouldn't have to talk it out with him yet.
Or maybe that wouldn't even be necessary if he thought it was better that you hated him.
“These are the intact syringes we found at the scene.” Agent Rick held up an item for the others in the room to see. “Based on the few tests we've made so far, we're pretty sure that there wasn't any trace of the organism in it. There were more of these broken vials too, more than usual, actually”, the agent continued, presenting a cracked glass ampule to the room. “There's nothing left of the specimen, but we're pretty sure these were the one's he transported the Khalia in.”
“I'll analyze this in our lab in the tower”, Tony muttered, taking both pieces of evidence from the agent. “If there's anything you guys missed so far, then we'll figure it out. I'm sure Bruce will be happy to help us.”
“Right”, Clint snorted sarcastically. “He's always so thrilled to get more work from us.”
“So far, all we can do is wait for more clues and the results of the victims blood tests. One of our medics reported that a few of them had different levels than all the others before. Normally we didn't find any traces of anesthesia within them, so something must've changed...”
“Why is that? Were there any traces of the organism at least?”, Wanda asked.
“The victim's DNA is usually altered to an extent that we can't even identify 'em through our data bases anymore. Like an override; they could as well be a completely new person. My guess right now is that agent Solros' help might have reversed the new structure and therefore preserved what the organism did in their bodies. We'll search for the reason, whatever it may be.”
You froze as the entire room turned their attention to you.
“How did you even do that?”, some women asked from the other side of the table, “So far you never saved any of the victims in previous facilities, why only now?”
Maybe it wasn't a direct accusation, but her words stabbed a hole into your guts.
“I didn't know I could...and I haven't been the same back then... ”
Admitting that you hadn't been much different from the people you'd judged on this same day was definitely damaging your confidence quiet a bit. Your powers had only meant to cause destruction after all; there had been no space to explore it in such a way as you'd done today.
The mood shifted so heavily that you could feel the tension rise by the second.
“I see”, agent Rick nodded, rubbing a hand over his stubbly chin. “Then we should be glad you found a way to do it right this time. The more survivors, the better.”
Thankfully no one mentioned how shaken you were about the reminder of that person you'd been before joining the Avengers. The debrief proceeded without any other incidents, so you had the chance to zone out for a bit.
You've come so far, the Khalia smoothed your worry out with a gentle touch to your mind, You accomplished a lot, not only today, but throughout the past year in general. We might've bee different then, but now we're good
Good? You weren't sure if you'd go that far.
At least admit that we're better
Fine. You were better...and how couldn't you be?
Upon your return to the complex, you went straight to your room and stripped out of your ruined uniform. There was nothing to save, really. Maybe you could ask Tony to make you a new one that was fire proof.
And even with a long shower and half an hour of noting down all your worries in your journal, your mind wouldn't feel lighter. The stupid fight with Bucky was stuck in your head like a vermin...
Maybe it wasn't the right way to ignore it all and be stubborn about it.
Oh, who would've thought? What an insight
Okay now, it wasn't entirely your fault either. Bucky was the one just accepting a part of him to be damned and unforgivable
If only he could face that fractured didn't mean worthless. And after dancing around each other for fucking months, you hated to think this would ruin your chance with him. All that shared intimacy...all this worry and these feelings for nothing?
With a sigh you took out your phone and sent a text to ask if he had a moment to talk. Either tonight or some time soon, because this certainly wouldn't be the end of it.
His answer was immediate: Give me one second
And truth be told, not even a few seconds later there was a knock on your door.
“Damn, he's fast...”, you wondered and braced yourself for opening it.
But it wasn't Bucky.
“Did you eat yet?”, Steve asked.
You blinked, a bit taken aback by the unexpected visit. “Uh, no...I'll have something later, don't have the mind for food right now.”
The crease between his brows was back, “You had a hard day, I would prefer you eat now... unless you need a...a talk or-”
“It's okay. Maybe you could just forget whatever I said today. It wasn't fair to tell anyone about it.”
“No, I think it's good you told me. And I already discussed it with Bucky too.”
Your eyes widened. “What? When?”
Steve crossed his arms. “On our way back to the outpost. I had to know, if there was anything else you hadn't told me or if there was a reason to worry for one of you.”
There was a sharp pinch to your heart. This was exactly what you'd wanted to prevent.
“It wasn't like that...”
“And I know that now. I just couldn't leave the topic to you both alone after seeing how upset he was and that you were scared-”
“I'm not scared!”, you bit out, a bit too loud for your taste.
His eyes softened. “I'm not saying you're scared of him. But you're so stressed about this conflict that you almost lost control today. That's worrisome.”
He was right. You had nearly let your powers go off on someone who didn't even do anything to you because of this bullshit.
“But if you say you can handle this, I won't intervene any longer, I promise. I only want what's best for you both.”
He reached a hand out, to gently brush it over your shoulder and down your arm, letting it linger for a second longer than to be called friendly.
“Steve?”
A voice from the hallway let both of you flinch and Steve took a wide step back from your door, where you could see Bucky coming closer now. “What are you doing?”
Oh. So the tension between them wasn't gone after all? Or why did it sound so threatening?
“Just checking on her.”
They stared at each other. And then Steve puffed his chest out, shoulders tense as he gave you a quick smile. “I'll see you guys tomorrow. Don't forget to eat something before you go to bed.”
Bucky watched after him as he passed him in the hallway, making his way out to the kitchen. When he turned back to you, his expression mellowed.
“You... wanted to talk?”
Good question. Now that you knew that him and Steve were still in the middle of an argument as well, left you to feel a lot of pressure all of a sudden.
“Yes”, you said as calm as you could and then stepped back, giving him some space to come inside.
Somewhere in the middle of it he stopped and glanced around, as if it was his first time in your room.
“Are you better?”, he started, gaze drifting over the heap of scorched uniform by the bathroom and then over you.
“I was better even before we came back. My body heals fast, you know that.”
The reminder wasn't lost on Bucky, but he ignored the hint of it.
“What I said at the outpost...” He crossed and then immediately uncrossed his arms again, trying to appear less threatening, even though you knew he felt a lot more vulnerable than you in this moment. “You were right, I didn't mean it. I don't know why I constantly say stuff I wanna take back right away. As if my common sense is getting blocked by being nervous or something...especially with you.”
He swallowed.
“Like last night...when I should've warned you about my nightmares and how worried I'd been in those days after that fight we had. I should've been clear about it to keep you safe and not let you close. But instead I lost my mind the second you looked like you wanted to leave. Couldn't stand the thought of letting you out of my sight when all that was roaming through my head were pictures of you in that godforsaken lab...back on- on that table...”
The mention of that first facility you'd been brought to back then physically shook you from head to toe and Bucky noticed.
“I never let anyone stay with me during the night”, he quickly continued, breaking the memory off before it could've hurt one of you. “It was confusing to be woken up by someone else. My first instinct was to defend myself; it didn't click with me until it was too late.”
“I know that. And I never truly thought you wanted to hurt me on purpose. Shouldn't that be obvious?”
His expression was telling you otherwise.
“You know...you were right about something in that closet”, you added.
Every possible meaning to your words crossed his mind like a whirlwind as he tried to figure out which one of the hurtful things he'd said you'd taken to heart.
“Love won't be enough. Not for people like us. Doesn't mean it can't work though. The fact that we made it this far alone is a wonder. That should be enough to believe in it, or not?”
There was a short flicker of relief in his eyes.
“We gotta put some work in, sure. But I'm absolutely ready to make any compromise, as long as you'll stay with me”, you mumbled.
“I just can't forgive myself for being the cause of your hurt...I've done you wrong so many times, even without adding all the shit you had to go through in the past. I'm not fit for this. What if it's too much one day, what if you slowly begin to drift away from me with time and then you'll see me different?” His breath hitched, as if it pained him to imagine that reality. “What if you really go back to hating me? For a completely new reason and not the stuff I had no control over.”
He looked down to the ground for a split second, shaking another thought off. “When you said that today...that you were starting to hate me for something that was solely my own fault, god, that made me sick.”
“What if you'll be scared of me one day. Of the person I've become...” He made a fist with his metal hand, staring at with a hatred you weren't used to see on him. “So much about me has changed, but the person I am now can still cause you harm if I ever forget where I came from – if I'm ever getting careless or too comfortable.”
Your couldn't take the clear disgust in his gaze, couldn't take this hurt bleeding through his usually strong demeanor he'd hold up for literally anyone else but himself.
With a few strong steps you crossed the room, shocking him out of his regret.
“Bucky I fell for you. For someone real and imperfect. You're scarred and you're avoidant and that for very good reasons. I'm not going to tell myself this will be easy, but we can give it a chance, right? I want you to believe in this, please”, you mumbled, “I need you to believe in yourself and therefore in us to work. It can't if you keep on telling yourself you don't deserve it.”
His eyes turned sad. “How could I ever convince myself of deserving you? That's...impossible.”
You shook your head, composing yourself with a deep breath. “Then I'll show you. I'll tell you however much you need to hear it – that you deserve me, that I deserve you. If that's what we need. You're mine and you're good, Bucky. You don't have to meet any standards, you don't have to look any certain way or talk or think to be right for me. That's not how feelings work. I fell in love with this version of you, not the person you want to be for me.”
You leaned closer, to place a soft kiss to his jaw, but his brows were drawn even deeper when you stood back on your heels.
“Wouldn't you rather want to explore the future with literally anyone else? Someone that's not as”, he shrugged his shoulders, “Sullen?”
You snorted, quickly hiding your face behind your hand. Bucky's face didn't change though – his question was that serious.
“You're not sullen. Well, maybe you are sometimes, but that's not everything about you. You're also resilient and hard-working and fair and kind and good.” You took a short moment to contemplate, how to say this next bit, without completely humiliating yourself, but quickly decided there was no place for beating around the bush if he had to be convinced. “And that's why I chose you over a made up 'boyfriend' version of James Barnes.”
He narrowed his eyes. “You what?”
It felt like a part of your mind was hysterically laughing about the misery of having to explain this to him.
“A version that's always sweet and caring and brought me flowers...those were just as made up though”, you murmured under your breath. “I was really desperate for intimacy, okay?”
His face blanked.
“Of everything you could've ever said, this is probably the most unexpected of it all.”
You pouted your lips, tugging at the hem of your shirt to distract your fingers and mind from the embarrassment. “Sorry, you're not the only one living in your head every now and then.”
He chuckled, breathless, “And then you still chose me? Why? I never brought you... flowers before.”
“Yes you did...Sunflowers.”
Another heartbeat passed, before you lifted your head. “You cared about me before I even understood it. You're unconventional enough to accept me – someone carrying a second consciousness them, someone that daydreams about slow dancing with a young soldier from the past. Someone that's desperate to be loved.”
The words made an impact, you could tell. His throat bobbed when he swallowed and then his mouth parted in disbelief, without saying anything. It was too much for him to process at once.
“I want all of you”, you said firmly.
His nostrils flared briefly. “Are you sure? I'm not James anymore; some things about me will always be ugly...”
You followed his gaze down to his metal hand, still clenched tight by his side.
“I'm sure”, you nodded and grabbed the cool hand, brushing over the Vibranium as if it was just as sensitive as his other. “I want the good and the bad. I want everything because there's nothing I couldn't love about you.”
He shivered.
“You're complete, you're just right for me...everything about you is exactly how I need it”, you whispered, lifting his hand to your lips. “I'm not scared of this...not scared of you. Not in the slightest.”
At least you'd figured that out today. After purposefully searching for something in him that could frighten you and only finding the fear of being abandoned by him.
Your fingers wandered up as you dropped his hand, grazing the fabric of his sleeve, yet he reacted as if you were actually caressing his skin.
“And you promised me”, you said, giving him one last stern look. “You promised you would love me, didn't you? There's no easy way out of this.”
He made a sound, a mix between disbelief and bitter amusement.
“I might've been a bit negligent with that promise... didn't even take a month.”
You laid your hands flat over his chest, feeling the steady drumming of his heart.
“I wasn't supportive either, even though I knew how unrealistic it was to make a promise that big. There will always be set-backs in a way. That's how it is.”
He nodded to himself, hesitantly guiding his metal hand to lay over yours, squeezing it with gentle reassurance. “Okay.”
“Okay what?”, you asked, tilting your head to the side.
“I'll try to believe in it. I'll try to believe this version of me is deserving of you – that I'm enough...”
But the subtle disgust shining through his expression as he watched your fingers trying to link with his artificial ones, was still weighing on you.
“Can I show you?”
He looked up, “Huh?”
Your other hand settled over his waist, feeling him twitch as you drew circles over the fabric of his shirt with your thumb.
He didn't answer right away, too overwhelmed by your touch and the grasp you had on his metal hand.
“I want to prove it, Bucky...wanna proof, how much you're worth to me.”
⊹ ✿・・───・・✦・・───・・✿ ⊹
He didn't bend to your will, that's not what this was. He was rather surprised himself as he waited for your next move. If you hadn't immediately taken it into your own hands, he would've probably prayed on his knees to prove his worth in some kind of way, so that you wouldn't have to search for it. Prove that he wasn't as unreliable as he was giving himself in failing you over and over.
But as your hands hesitantly searched for the hem of his t-shirt, he instead decided to let you have your way. Watch on as your eyes filled with adoration – completely enraptured by the sight of this bit of bare skin.
You traced the v-line above his jeans, drifting your fingers further over his hips and then his sides, lifting the t-shirt up in the process. He was shivering with every inch.
It was...weird to be touched like this. So intentionally benevolent. So gentle.
Your fingertips brushed over the sensitive tissue of healed scars, some more noticeable than others. But you treated them all the same: Felt them; recognized each with a soft, loving stroke before moving on. Until you reached the heavily scarred skin around his left shoulder. There was a twist in your brows as you really took it all in. For the first time, without any other sensation to cloud your vision and distract you from his appearance like the night after the party.
Convinced to be genuine and earnest from now on, he pulled the shirt over his head, giving you full access and a clear picture to every part of him. The good and the bad.
So this was your real, unfiltered reaction to the evident traces of his life as the asset.
“Does it hurt?”, you asked, carefully maneuvering your touch just at the edge of the old wounds.
“Sometimes”, he answered, hoping to hide how incredibly unsure he was of this all. “But you can, uhm, touch it, if that's...if that's what you-”
He shut his mouth, already frustrated by being so exposed. Even if he wanted it. He wanted to show himself like this, but the thought of looking too weak or outright deterrent wasn't easy to shake off.
Drawing the outlines of the connected arm, you gave him another careful look, showing him how much you appreciated the gesture of him letting you do this.
“I know it's probably a painful reminder for you”, you whispered. “But all I see is more proof of the strong man that you are today.”
Goosebumps were pricking in his neck, when you pressed a sweet kiss to the spot where your fingers had been laying just seconds before. And you didn't stop there. You trailed your mouth the entire way over his shoulder to his neck in the tiniest steps with no more than millimeters in between, so that he could feel your lips linger on every inch of his skin.
His arms automatically closed around your back, when you brushed your nose against the crook of his neck, before he even knew what he was doing.
Your took a small inhale against his skin, sighing deeply afterwards. “You smell so nice...”
Thank god that he'd showered after the mission.
“Like pine and fresh laundry...and home.”
Home.
Every nerve in his body was on edge by now. Not with fear or anxiety as he'd expected at first. He couldn't remember how to breathe. And honestly, he would've refuse to fill his lungs with any air, just to get a bit more of this. You nuzzled just a tad closer, reaching around him to gently scrape your nails over his back.
His body felt hot and cold at the same time.
You mouthed further along the side of his neck, then at his throat, grazing your teeth right against his pulse. His mind blanked.
“So delicious”, you purred.
“De- what?”, he muttered, dumbstruck. He wasn't even sure why he was speaking, the connection between his tongue and his brain was awfully thin all of a sudden.
“I bet everything about you is delicious”, you mused, very clearly loosing your mind as fast as him. It brought him some relief to see you being overtaken by a form of desire. If that's what this was.
But you wiggled out of his embrace, much to his dismay.
You laid your head to the side, with your eyes scanning over him, down and down, until your gaze resided on the seam of his pants, “Wouldn't you say so too?”
He took a step backwards, when you approached him, confused and maybe a bit intimidated.
Oh- shit.
This wasn't what he'd planned for this talk. He hadn't planned anything good at least, let alone for him to end up overwhelmed by newfound excitement instead of hopelessness.
He should've never taken his damn shirt off.
Bucky quietly uttered your name when you approached him, but his legs were caving in under your intense stare, almost predatory as they kept roaming his chest.
“Don't worry”, you carefully lifted your loose sweater to reveal your own, “You won't be the only one showing yourself so unprotected.”
The automatic reaction of his body was to take a few more steps back, as soon as he realized that you were bare under that sweater. No bra. Just your breasts and the beautiful dips of your curves.
“See, I'm not perfect either”, you hummed, laying a hand flat against your middle as if to emphasize.
Had he heard you right? He nearly laughed out loud at your statement.
You came closer, guiding him to sit at the edge of the bed. Just like that night...so alike yet so different. Just because of his inner conflict. He hadn't been this confused back then.
A sly grin appeared on your face, “Comfortable?”
He nodded, subjected to the reminder of your beauty and the effect it had on him. He'd overcome his insatiable need for you due to his building insecurity, but he'd apparently forgotten, just how stunning you were. Or maybe the night back then had left a few blank spaces in his memory since it had certainly been a lot to take in.
“Is this enough compensation for now?”, you asked, discretely cupping both your breasts into your palms, fingers softly denting the flesh.
Where you expecting an actual answer from him? Christ, he could barely think.
“More than enough.” More than I deserve.
“Oh, then you'll surely be pleased when I tell you I'm not done yet.” You glanced back over your shoulder and then said: “Can you move over. Just a small bit.”
Again, he didn't really question your demand, focused on soaking your image up.
“Perfect.”
Yes, he thought, You're so perfect
Without warning, you lowered to your knees and slid in between his legs, holding his thighs with a strength that hurt in such a good way that he flinched.
“I want to be honest, Bucky”, your fingers wandered up to reach for the waistband of his pants, “I've never been so invested in someone else's body before...no other man or woman has ever made me loose my mind this much. I can't get you out of my head. Your arms, your hands – your god damn back.” You sighed. “Even if you don't see it yourself, I'm so absolutely obsessed with everything I got to see of you, that I barely think of anything else. Day and night...”
He leaned back, when you started to open his zipper. “Your scent, the image of you in my dreams, the feeling of your hands, the memory of your hips right against mine-”
The breathless sound of your voice only made your description so much worse to resist.
“It's more than just your body, sure, but it's a part of you that I'm craving with my whole being. I only want you to understand there won't be one without the other. I will never love only one side of you.”
He was so mesmerized by the way your lips were moving and the look you were giving him, that he couldn't even be embarrassed about himself getting hard right under your palm.
Your mouth stood slightly apart while you felt it; savored the actual process of turning him on with just your words.
“Do you want to know, what I see when I dreamed of you? Not of James...”
You didn't even wait for his answer. And why should you, when the reaction of his twitching cock was already giving him away?
“I don't even know how if I could, it's so filthy...I should probably be embarrassed about it. About the way you made me so wet in my fucking dreams with just your mouth and tongue...”
It was as if you were talking yourself into a trance; your eyes were glassy and your breath uneven.
He was enamored by the way you were sliding your fingers over his clothed length, teasing him so carefully that he felt his entire body tense with each repeat.
“Your hand in my hair”, you drawled, slowly undressing him, leaning closer with the reveal of his swollen tip, “Gripping it so tight that it hurt while you used me for your own pleasure.”
He didn't like the thought of using you in any type of way. Especially not if it was going to hurt you. But what he enjoyed was that pleased face you made as you stared at his erection.
You leaned down, closing those heavenly soft lips he'd been used to feel all over his face, around the head of his cock with a playful twirl of your tongue following.
His fingers were clawing the sheets with all his might, jaw grinding to not move his hips at your sensitive touch.
One of your hand was laying on his thigh, grabbing onto it as if it could hold you back. Every sweet second of it was torture for his control. So he was almost glad when you popped it back out, licking your lips slowly.
“I know you wouldn't. “There was a twist in your brows. “Maybe that's why I like it so much more...I never liked doing this for others, but for you?”
You wrapped your fingers around his shaft, blinking up at him. “The thought of letting you go crazy with my mouth is so...” You moaned and his heart skipped a beat at the sound.
“If you don't like it, then-”
As if you were testing it, you stroked his dick once or twice, so agonizingly careful that his entire body tensed. His stomach, his heart – everything inside of him was taut as a wire.
You moved your hand to his base, angling your head to lick a flat stripe up his underside and Bucky had to shut his eyes tight, to not get even more turned on by the sight of it.
“It's not the same if you do it for someone you love”, you hummed, giving a shy kiss to his tip before sucking the embarrassing amount of precum he was leaking off. “I swear it's like a drug to taste you.” You smacked your lips once, smiling way too innocent for what you were doing. “So delicious.”
Fuck, this was intense. It was hard to grasp a single thought when you were looking at him like that.
But his panicked silence actually let you pause. “Not what you want?”
He swallowed.
“What do you want, Bucky?”, you asked, “Do you want me? Want me to make you feel good?”
He nodded, feeling so pathetic and yet so turned on by the way you were acting.
“Say it then. Say it nicely.”
“Want you”, he choked out, “I want you, please...”
You smiled again. “Good. Then lay back.”
You were naked before he even knew it, crawling on top of him with excitement brewing deep inside you like a flame.
“This okay?”, you asked, positioning your center right over his hips and watched him closely. “Is it alright if I take control this time?”
He nodded, eyes drawn to the point where your pussy was hovering just inches above his tip, right between your legs.
“Take whatever you need, sweetheart. All of me...”, he answered, palms encouragingly sliding along your thighs.
“All of you, yes?”, you smiled, lowering yourself, to guide him into you, “I'll take your word on that, sergeant.”
His hands curled around your hips, sinking deeper into them with every bit you sank down. And even though his mouth was shut tight and his eyes closed, you could tell that he was loving it.
You were so fulfilled with finally getting to feel him within you again. It had barely been a month, yet it felt like an eternity.
He threw his head back as you sat down with a gasp, quicker than you'd planned. And he hissed through his teeth as you rolled your hips forward, testing just where he was reaching into you, those places you didn't even know you could feel.
His eyelids fluttered open when you did it again and his mouth stood agape for a moment. Instead of finding the words to tell you how incredible it felt, a sound slipped him, that was like nothing you'd ever heard. Not from Bucky.
It wasn't quiet a moan, but close. Softer, unintentional.
“You're so pretty”, he murmured, glazed eyes roaming your body in reverence. “Fuck, I can't believe I get to have you like this.” His voice gave up with his last words.
“Oh, you're desperate, aren't you?”, you chuckled, threading your fingers through his hair, which he leaned into with no shame.
No answer was needed, you could already tell.
With your hands flat on his chest you bent down, recognizing the heart beating against your palm with a hum and he sighed as your nose brushed against his.
One of your hands turned his chin straight up, giving you better access to his lips, kissing him with a sweetness that would leave his mind in shambles in comparison to the things you wanted to do to him right now.
On cue to your slowly rocking hips, a groan tingled in his chest, vibrating throughout his body and letting you shiver. His hands were immediately searching for a better hold on you, harshly grabbing the soft flesh of your ass in one and your thigh in the other, helping steady your movements.
Your kisses were turning into something rough, something hungry as you found your pace. They were meant to convince.
The usually skilled movement of his lips and tongue were faltering, turning sloppier by the second as if he was loosing himself.
Pleasure was building inside of you, silently licking at your nerves with fervor.
And by the pulsing cock inside you it was clear he was more than satisfied with the way that things were going, no matter how languid it was at first. The thought took you over, let your head spin with desire.
You leaned back, dizzy and getting ready to feel the pleasured waves rock your body any moment, but the sight before you let your hips stutter.
Bucky's mouth was trembling, eyes unfocused and his chest heaving. He looked almost sad about your departure from his lips.
“Oh?”, you slowed your rhythm,” Is this not what you asked for? You don't want me to ride you and tell you how good you are? That you're so perfect and incomparable to every other person I know? That I love you...that I want no one else?”
His brows were deeply drawn together, his entire body shaking from your words alone.
You reached for his metal hand, detaching it from your thigh against his complaint and linked it with yours as you picked the pace back up.
“I'll tell you over and over, if that's what you need”, you gasped, feeling your pussy tremble around his girth as he moaned loudly, “Show you that you're worth it. That you're loved, that you're mine and that I trust you.”
He watched his Vibranium hand, combined with yours like it was some epiphany.
His eyes shut tight, his jaw grinding as he shoved himself deeper into you, desperate to follow your wish.
“Fuck- yeah, I want that”
His voice was raw, so airy that you barely recognized it. Whatever it was about this willing side of him that let your body feel so weak, you needed more of it. So much more.
“Yes, that's it”, you beckoned, drawing small circles into his hand with your thumb, holding his rough pace with endeavor, “Give it to me, come on. Give me all you got, baby.”
Your words had apparently hit him so deep that he could only gather enough strength for a few more thrusts, slamming up into you and jolting you with every time until he came so hard that his grasp almost crushed your hand. But you knew he wouldn't; knew he was in control of himself, even in a moment of pure ecstasy.
The mere feeling of his cum coating your insides let your lungs heave. It felt so much better in this position, holy fuck.
“Thank you, Bucky”, you sighed, smiling down at him when he could open his eyes again. “Oh, thank you so much.”
He was wrecked, utterly and completely out of his mind.
“You didn't-” He collected himself first to keep speaking, “What about you?”
“Who said we'd stop here?”
His puzzled look only brightened your smile.
“You promised me everything. All of you, remember?”, you hummed, swerving your hips to let him feel what you'd witnessed, “And I can tell you're not done either.”
Whatever the reason was that his erection hadn't fully gone down, you wouldn't complain, when you had the chance to let him fill you out any further. Leave more of himself in you, paint your insides and mark you as his.
His eyes followed the movement of your hand as it drifted down your front, over your stomach until your fingertips could all but reach the spot where he was splitting you open.
“Can feel you”, you breathed, pressing down on your lower belly. “So deep...”
He gasped, eyes widening just a tad. You felt his cock harden inside of you and your hips jolted in reaction, when the head nudged your cervix with an electric shock.
He clenched his jaw, throwing his head right back into the pillows, “Fuck, you're- fuck!”
Despite the pain in your knees and the exhaustion still lingering in every inch of you from the day and lack of sleep, you were pushing it all entirely aside. For him. More of him.
More – more, more!
Everything.
He let out a string of unintelligible curses when you started anew, not as careful even though he was a lot more sensitive now. The thought only excited you as he was basically begging with his eyes. And every time you plunged down his gaze turned a little more desperate.
He was on the edge of falling apart and you really wanted that for some reason. See him loose his guard, see him to overwhelmed to keep thinking of himself as something vile and unlovable.
See him crumble underneath you until every bit of him was laid out.
Your own orgasm was straight up waiting around the fucking corner, ready to take you down. And you could've probably come solely from the look he was giving you in that moment.
“Make me feel so good”, you panted, giving him as much of a smile as you were capable of, “Feel whole with you...”
The moment of acceptance passed his face in shock as he understood how serious you were. That it wasn't just sweet talk in a heated moment.
And it clicked into place somewhere inside of him, whereupon a moan dislodged from his chest. Not the sensitive, overwhelmed type, but full and deep. Almost a growl.
It happened so fast that you didn't even have time to process anything until his lips and chest were against yours.
But aside from the change in position to the edge of the bed, his rhythm didn't falter, his hips snapped back over and over as he slung his arms around you, guiding your body to his liking.
“Imma keep it like that”, he groaned, teeth grazing your bottom lip, “I'll keep you whole – keep you safe, baby. I'll be so good for you.”
He moved his head to your neck, letting you shudder with his hot breath on your skin as he basically ate away at you, shamelessly covering your neck and shoulder in love bites.
Then his pace stuttered, his mouth stilled as he lifted his head just a bit and-
He moaned, hands roaming over your back and down to your ass to lift you further from his cock, slowly...indulgent.
“Looks so fucking good”, he muttered, still out of breath.
You turned to see what he was watching and suddenly remembered.
His eyes were trained on the reflection of you both in your wide, full-length mirror, where he could watch his length slide back into you as he eased you down.
It had been your plan to let him watch you suck him off, but this...oh, this was much better.
“God, that is filthy”, he groaned, entranced by the view. “You're so- so damn wet, look at you.”
“You like that?”, you breathed nuzzling against his head, kissing his temple softly, “You like when my pussy's drooling all over you?”
His head turned back around, eyes wide for a second. He couldn't comprehend that you would say something like that.
“Yeah, fuck, I love it”, he said, quickly pulling you into another kiss as his tempo picked up again.
Heat was growing deep inside of you. He realized that you were getting close, so he concentrated all his strength to keep the movement steady and even, hitting just the right places within you, over and over until you were basically mewling from the oncoming pressure.
Bucky leaned back onto one hand to see the exact moment that you'd give in, letting you bounce to your own will with his other hand still firmly holding onto your hip.
His mouth stood open in harsh breaths as you let go, desperately grinding on his lap with your fingers buried in his hair and nails clawing into his shoulder.
And as if it wasn't already enough to be fucking yourself on his dick, he gave you one of the most confident grins you've ever seen on him. Ever.
His eyes were burning bright with passion, with determination.
“Gonna treat you right”, he hummed, “Gonna prove myself every fucking day if I have to.”
Your head was empty; all that kept you in the moment was the overstimulating friction on your slick, trembling walls. Either way, you were still trying to hold on, whimpering with every other thrust.
“Please, Bucky-”, you choked on the nearing tears pricking at the corners of your eyes, “Please, I-”
“You want more?”
You nodded shakily.
He looked down, grin faltering, “You sure you got any more space? Looks like you're already full...”
You didn't even need to follow his gaze to know what he was talking about. Just the image of his cum dripping out of you with every time he buried himself in your cunt was enough to let you tighten again. You tried so hard to keep yourself upright for his sake, but your strength was slowly running thin.
Your legs were shaking like crazy.
“N-now”, you pleaded, “Bucky, please – please!”
You chanted his name, watching how his expression changed into something keen and hungry again with your soft cries for him.
A few more frantic thrusts, then he squeezed his eyes shut, listening to your lewd moans as he flooded your insides with another load, hot and thick like the first. You were so relieved from him finishing that you could've almost laughed, but your strength was barely enough to keep sitting there.
He caught you, when you collapsed into his arms, shifting you to a more comfortable position, so that your knees could rest for a minute.
“I think I'm getting used to this”, he grumbled into your neck after a while of you both catching your breath.
“To what?”, you asked, exhausted.
“Doing it like this”, he whispered, smoothing his hand over your back in calming strokes. “Raw...”
A giggle built in your chest and you felt his smile as he brushed his lips over your shoulder.
You were absolutely ready to fall asleep like this. Not very surprising, since you hadn't gotten any sleep last night either.
“Ready for bed?” There was a hint of worry in his voice. “Was a lot of work, huh?”
You could only hum in agreement, eyes already too heavy to look at him.
“Okay then, don't worry, I'll take care of you.”
⊹ ✿・・───・・✦・・───・・✿ ⊹
It was astounding, how easy you fell asleep. All while he was handling you around and cleaned you up. He'd felt just a tiny bit guilty at the sight of your inner thigh coated in his release, but he knew that's what you preferred, so no big deal, right? Well, for him it was. All of what happened between you and him that evening.
You could definitely be...convincing if you wanted to be. And a huge part of him wanted to believe in your words. He was scared of forgetting it.
This peace of his mind by your side. Until the next time his guilt would become too prominent.
Love wasn't enough to hold the spark in place, but it was a safe anchor, to not let him drift away too far. He would have to make up for the current of his doubts. He'd promised it once, but now that he'd already fucked that promise up, he would have to work harder to reinforce it.
He slipped back into his clothes, buttoning his pants as he kept an eye on your slumbering form in the sheets. The way that you dragged a bunch of pillows closer and hugged them to your chest.
Knowing those were basically a compensation for your loneliness let something twist in his heart.
But it was safer for you to sleep with something soft and plush instead of him for now. It would have to suffice. Just a bit longer.
He walked out into the hallway on his way to find some easy and quick snack he could bring back to your room in case you woke up hungry, but quickly felt his delighted mood shift when he saw Steve standing behind the kitchen island.
“Hey.” His friend greeted him with a short glance, getting back to whatever it was that he was preparing on the counter-top.
“Hey...”
“Could you guys talk it out?”
Another very observing look from Steve. The question was way too nonchalant for the intensity of it.
“Sorta...”
“You okay?”, Steve stood back from the counter, folding his arms. “Didn't go well?”
“No, actually, went really well.” He wasn't even sure were the biting tone was coming from.
“I'm glad”, the blonde said, breathing a sigh of relief, “She can be stubborn.”
“How would you know?”
It was pretty clear that Steve was suppressing an eye roll as he simply closed them. “She's still my friend, Buck. A very close friend, no matter what was, I just know her well.”
“Is that why you told me to make up with her?”
“You were talking about cutting off contact, Buck. Saying that you shouldn't be near her, of course I'm telling you to get your head straight”, he huffed, leaning his hands against the edge of the counter, “If I hear you both talk about yourselves like you're the worst people on this planet, yes I'll intervene. That has nothing to do with-”
He trailed off, gaze briefly flickering over Bucky once, then back to his hands. “I was only trying to help you.”
He knew that. Knew, Steve only wanted to do best, as always. But he couldn't get it out of his head – that hand on her leg, the stern look of disapproval when he boarded the jet.
The very clear signal that Steve would stand between you and him if push came to shove.
“You're jumping to conclusions again”, Steve muttered, turning around to reach into a cupboard, “You could just ask me what's bothering you so much.”
“Would you have told her about your feelings even if you knew what she meant to me?”, he blurted out, not even thinking about it, as if the question had been waiting for it's time.
The 'clack' of porcelain was everything heard in the silent kitchen as Steve put down a bowl with little to no caution.
“What?”
Your words and your actions back in that room had opened another part within him, one that wasn't able to just shut his mouth and disregard the constant torment. Nothing would get better if he always kept it to himself; he'd eventually have to internalize that anyway, right?
And his silence growing into a problem had also been the case with his idiotic secret towards Steve. Which brought a question up in him that he could no longer ignore.
“If the roles were reversed...if you would've had the chance, would you have...would you be with her, even if you knew about my feelings?”
Something wary crossed Steve's face. “It's not the same.”
“How so? Because I'm not as loyal as you are?”
His friends sighed, sadness letting his shoulders slump. “No. Because you and her have a strong history together. That's part of the reason I never wanted to even tell her at all, because things were so complicated between you two...it wasn't until you both grew closer that I started to think about embracing whatever it was she let me feel. But it was at the same time I realized what was going on with you. In whatever case, you would've never been the one to blame here, Buck. You're not doing anything wrong by loving her.”
“But-”
“No, there is no 'but', pal”, Steve shook his head, “This was a sign. This was meant to be or something...because I can't believe something so crazy would ever just come out of nowhere. All these years between your encounters and you both fall for each other? Come on now, that's not just a spur-of-the-moment type of thing. This is serious.”
Bucky watched Steve silently fill a bowl with the stew that was sitting on the stove in front of him, before turning to stand it down. “I'll keep you both save. But not away from each other. I would never truly stand myself between you and your chance at a happy life, Buck.”
With all the emotional discrepancies and his overwhelmed mind still circling around your words, his heart almost couldn't bare to be reassured yet again.
Bucky was still searching for the right words, to tell Steve how deeply thankful he was for his incredible understanding, but instead, he had to interrupt his thoughts and accept the bowl forced into his hands. Steaming hot,
“She has to eat, whether she has any appetite or not. She knows her way of conserving energy doesn't save her from eating, but she ignores it from time to time, so you gotta remind her, okay?”
Bucky stared down at the bowl, then looked up again.
Yes...Steve clearly knew her well.
“Did you make it?”, he asked, swallowing his own hunger by the sight of the steaming hot soup. It's aroma let his mouth water.
“No”, Steve scratched the back of his head, “I think Bruce cooked it. At least he was the one who told me to eat some. There's more than enough, don't worry.”
Bucky nodded at the bowl, “Yeah...I'll bring it to her then...”
But before he could fully turn toward the hallway, Steve asked: “Should I get some stuff for you to change? I bet you don't wanna sleep in your jeans...”
Bucky frowned. “I'm not sleeping in her room, no way.”
“Huh?”, Steve was more than confused for some reason. “Didn't she ask you to stay?”
“She would, probably...but I can't, Steve. You know I can't. Not after last night.”
His friend bowed his head in thought, “Oh. Okay then...”
It didn't look like that was all he wanted to say, but for his own sake, Bucky simply turned around and went to your room, before Steve could talk something risky into him. He was good at that.
He sat onto your bed by your side, listening to your tiny snores for a moment, chest feeling full with your peaceful expression. Now that he thought about it, he'd probably never seen you this calm ever before. Maybe it was the bliss after an orgasm.
He really shouldn't think like that...
You turned over all of a sudden, blinking into the dark room, illuminated only by your colorful bedside lamp.
„Were you watching me sleep?“, you croaked.
„Of course“, he said quietly, grinning as you attempted to escape his eyes under the blanket.
„I've got food for you. You haven't eaten anything yet. Steve said you'd try to ditch your meal, so...”
You groaned, “He can't leave me alone, can he?”
„He cares about you. And he wouldn't have to, if you'd take care of yourself, you know?”
You glared at him through your sleepy eyes.
“Just a few bites“, he gently stroked over your arm, “Then I'll let you go back to sleep.”
You sat up with a huff, taking the warm bowl from his hands. “You're both too annoyingly kind for your own goods, no wonder you're best friends...”
He chuckled and watched you sip on the broth first, then pick certain vegetables out of the soup.
„Did you make this?“, you asked after a while, “It tastes really good.”
“Why do you sound so surprised about that, huh?”
Other than Steve, you did roll your eyes at him, very clear and meant to be seen, “We both know you have no patience for dishes like this.”
“Maybe so, but that doesn't mean you have to tell me like that”, he snorted.
Half the bowl was gone by the time you looked at him again. “Are you normally staring like that whenever I'm eating?”
“I have a feeling you don't want me to be here. Should I leave?” He moved to get up, but you shot a hand out to stop him, nearly letting the soup spill over the edge of the bowl.
“Don't go yet. Please.”
Your words sounded heavy, despite it just being a little joke. Maybe because you knew he'd have to leave eventually.
“Why? You're fed, you're clothed and warm, should be enough for a good nights rest, shouldn't it?”
“Will you ever...stay the night again?”
His heart was crushed by your feeble voice. “Yes. Just not yet...”
You nodded.
Honestly, he would've stayed, wanted to stay with you. In the 'sanctuary' of your room, in your bed, even with those despised pillows, that were looking more like a competition with every time he glanced at them for too long.
And even if he could've convinced himself it was fine to stay and just not sleep, he knew his body felt too safe near you. That you were alleviating so much of his inner pain and would ultimately let him fall asleep, no matter if he wanted to or not.
“I'll stay a bit longer, okay? Is that alright?” He drifted his hand over the blanket, up your leg underneath.
“So you'll stare at me again? Oh hell no”, you scoffed, placing the nearly empty bowl onto the nightstand and took his hand, which was resting on your thigh, “You should go now. Eat something and then...we'll see each other tomorrow.”
You squeezed his hand briefly, withdrawing your touch way too soon for his liking.
“Good night, Bucky”, you said, leaning forward to give him a quick peck on the cheek, before turning over in bed.
Reluctantly, he stood up, whispering a soft, “Goodnight, sweetheart”, back to you and took the bowl with him as he left.
He knew this had to change – that he would have to change a lot, just by the faint regret upon leaving your room to find himself alone in his own.
Even if he'd always hated to think that far into the future, escaping the reality of facing so many more years in this hopeless state, he began to dream of a day – or night – in which he would lie with you, completely at ease and warmed by your constant heat, instead of thrashing from side to side with no prospect of sleep.
He already found himself wondering what else he could be for you, now that the foundation for his change was already so perfectly placed within you...if he could truly be good one day.
chapter summary/ tags/warnings: action, guns, violence, angst, arguments, (i feel like I shouldn't have to say this again but: NON OF THIS IS CANON and the science is VERY made up), Steve is reaaaaally trying(poor guy)
Series Masterlist <- !general tags will be found here!
Authors note: I'm currently sick and my lungs sound and feel like a lawnmower when I'm breathing, so I got none of my writing done this week. I'm running out of finished chapters soon :(((
Chapter 24
You didn't sleep a wink that night. Until the very second, when your alarm went off, you sat by the window in your room, staring into the night, your mind churning into a jumble of guilt and fear.
If Bucky woke up without you and remembered that none of it had been a dream and that he had in fact scared you...he was going to blame himself; hate himself; convince himself of all the worst things you could possibly think of him.
But even though you knew that, you couldn't return to his room.
Not because of the tiny pang in your heart, that reminded you of the horrific merging of Bucky and the Winter Soldier.
It was the understanding, that Bucky had been right, to close off from you. He'd been right, not to confide his thoughts and worries in you. You had grossly overestimated your abilities.
You used all your mental strength, to banish the Khalia out of your mind, so that you could actually think for yourself, just this once. But even then, you couldn't find any possible change within you, that could undo your mistake.
With a shaking breath, you silenced the alarm and got up from the chair, to get into your gear, quietly taking all your stuff for the mission and went right out of the door, only to be met by a wide eyed Steve.
“Oh”, he said, “Uh, good morning...you're up pretty early for your standards.”
He gave you a short once over, frowning when he realized, that you were entirely ready to go at any moment, “What are you-”
“I'll leave by myself”, you rushed out, “I'll wait for you guys by the jet. Would be nice, if you let the others know.”
Of course that wasn't enough to get him off your back.
“Whoa, hey- what's wrong?”, he grabbed you by the arm, trying to turn you around, but you shook yourself out of his grasp.
His hand was just hovering in the air for a moment, as he came to some understanding about your reaction.
“Give me two minutes”, he said softly, “I'll come with you...you shouldn't go all by yourself.”
He raised his eyebrows, when you remained silent.
“Alright, two minutes...I'll wait down by the cars.”
The longer you ignored Khalia's constant intrusion into your mental barrier, the more it began to give you a headache. Or maybe it was just the sleepless night. Or the emotional distress. Or the guilt over leaving Bucky all by himself to wonder if you hated him.
This shit was becoming a whole mess at this point.
Steve's hand on your lower back snapped you out of your thoughts, as he came to open the door for you, “I told Nat we're going ahead. She'll inform the rest of the team.”
He eyed the way that you shuffled around on the spot, before you sat into the car.
But he didn't say much as he settled into the drivers seat, letting silence fall over most of the ride.
His phone in the center console blinked incessantly with incoming messages and even calls, but he kept his eyes straight on the road. You on the other hand, were able to check who was blowing up his phone like that.
It was Bucky.
Of fucking course.
“It's okay, I'll give him a call, when we're by the jet”, he said with a short look at the display.
He still noticed your nervous expression, no matter how concentrated he was giving himself.
The guilt was seeping further and further into you, until you literally felt sick to your stomach.
Steve's glances became more frequent, the more your curled into yourself.
And when you finally decided to turn his phone over to hide the display, he decided to say something.
“What happened?”
“Nothing.”
It was silent for a few seconds, then Steve sighed. “I won't ask for any details, just some rough overview.”
You kept quiet.
“Did you guys...fight?”, he asked cautiously, as if he was daring himself into a lion's cage.
“I manipulated him.”, you spat out, disgusted by the memory of your powers slithering through his head like a venomous snake, “To make him sleep.”
He pinched his brows. “That doesn't sound like a real problem to me. I bet he'd be thankful, to have a full night's rest once in a while.”
“But I did it to flee. I left him because I was scared and now he knows how much of a coward I am.”
Steve's grip on the steering wheel tightened. “Scared? In what sense?”
You'd already said far too much and seeing his stern look, you were more than ready to just bite your tongue off.
“Scared of him? Did he-”
“It was nothing. Forget I said anything”, you blurted out.
That clearly didn't sit well with him either. “Y/N, if Buck did anything to you, we need to know. Given your history-”
“No it wasn't- he didn't do it on purpose, he would never....would never intentionally hurt me”, you rambled, “I'm the one who betrayed him! Because I couldn't deal with it and took the easy way by practically knocking him out.”
“He hurt you?” The surprise in Steve's voice let your entire body run cold.
“I think he had a dream”, you mumbled weakly, giving up explaining something, that could paint the situation any better than it was. “It was just a stressful moment for both of us and...it reminded me of...him.”
Steve was nodding alongside your words, jaw ticking.
“I couldn't deal with it. All this time I wanted him to be honest and tell me, what's on his mind, only to feel so useless in a situation where he would've needed me. I'm so unfit to-”, you swallowed your next words down, when you realized, that the car had stopped by the familiar landing zone.
Steve got out of the car without a word and simply rounded the hood to open your side and let you step out.
You felt even worse now that you'd exposed Bucky like this. The conversation hadn't helped at all; it had only made things more complicated, because now you had to explain it all to Steve, so he wouldn't think badly of his friend and-
Two arms came to lay around your back, simultaneously firm and gentle.
“You're such an over-thinker”, Steve sighed, his deep voice vibrating in his chest.
“But I can assure you, no matter what happens, you could never disappoint him or be useless in his eyes. You're very existence is a blessing to him.”
His hug was so incredibly safe, that your body instantly relaxed. For some reason you weren't even thinking about it as you leaned against him, head sinking onto his chest.
It helped to erase the tension inside you.
“You'll find a way to patch this up. There's nothing you can't fix, Y/N...you're so considerate and careful all the time. You're...everything to him.” Steve's voice lost some of it's strength as he continued.
Yet the words resonated within you. Why did it always take someone else to convince you of a truth you already knew deep down.
“Thank you. Hearing you say that means a lot to me...”, you murmured, resting your entire weight into his arms without a care in the world.
Steve was always there, to calm you. He was the other part of your safe haven on the team. Along with Bucky.
Quick cuddle session, eh? How cute
The Khalia's teasing comment pulled you straight back to reality from the warmth in his arms. They'd broken through your barrier due to your attention being on Steve's comforting embrace.
Only then, did you realize how intimate this moment was.
You cleared your throat, unable to look at him, “You're right... I'll manage, don't worry. Sorry for bothering you with this stuff.”
Steve had no reply as you stared down at your shoes. He only gave you a hesitant but friendly pat on your shoulder before turning toward the jet.
All your clarity and confidence was crumbling away the second you saw the others arrive from your spot in the aircraft.
Tony cracked some joke about you and Steve being early birds, which you barely paid any attention to, your attention fixed on the wide-eyed Bucky, who was lagging behind the rest of the team. For a second you thought he wouldn't get on, when he stopped at the ramp and stared at you like you were a ghost.
The only thing that drew your attention away from him was the broad back of Captain America as Steve moved to stand directly in front of you, fists clenching by his side.
You couldn't see what they were doing, but you knew, they were communicating through some sort of gesture or glance. Their bond was so tight, they could speak to one another without any words.
Then Steve turned, nudged you back to sit down and simply took a seat next to you, bringing Bucky back into your view, who was looking even worse now. He was standing in the jet by now, but he seemed even more lost than seconds before.
Steve's large hand came to rest on your leg.
Another signal that you didn't need any translation for. Even without Bucky's heaving chest and the tormented look on his face, you would've understood that Steve wasn't going to let him near you.
The shock rippled through your bones, raising a series of questions that shattered everything you had thought just moments before about Steve's reassuring words.
He was declaring his protection. From Bucky.
Why would he act like this when he knew what it would do to Bucky?
“Focus on the mission for now”, he said, as if he'd heard each and every thought of yours. That was apparently the end of it. Because Bucky lowered his head and sat as far from you two as possible, not raising his gaze once during the flight.
“We've positioned agents around the area: here, here and here” A man who introduced himself as agent Rick pointed at the different locations on the makeshift setup of maps and coordinates at their outpost, “We've been tracking him around the city for a few days now and he hasn't left his current position in exactly 23 hours. The apartment building is deserted, but the rest of the street isn't cut off from the public. So we've been figuring out how to approach and simultaneously evacuate the site without attracting his attention.”
“And how's that working so far?” Clint raised an eyebrow.
The agent gave him a sort of resigned sigh: “Pretty fucking bad. That bastard always has an escape route planned. His timing is so precisely perfect, that I'm starting to doubt that he's pulling this off without Hydra. There's no way he can slip our hands every fucking time; I just don't know how.”
“But he's just one man, right?”, Wanda asked, examining the displayed information on the table around which the team was standing, “If he's all by himself, then we should be able to surround him and-”
“Our biggest problem isn't the access to Heyne himself. It's the victims he's keeping with him. Every time we get too close, he unleashes them like a horde of bloodthirsty cannibals. We've lost over 28 agents to those mutated people in the last few weeks. We can't exactly stop them, since their bodies will stay upright even when we take them out. Bullet straight between the eyes and they'll still launch themselves at you like some feral zombie”, agent Rick sneered and moved a part of the map out of the way to pick up a picture, “They tear and bite into you until there's not much left. They fight until they point of decapitation. They're like his guard dogs: one step into his territory and they come.”
Sam cursed under his breath and turned away, when the man held up some pictures showing the aftermath of their recent missions. It really wasn't pretty.
“You mean they move even when the brain is damaged?”, you ask, picking up one of the gruesome images to get a closer look, “That shouldn't be possible if-”
There's only one way an organism can survive if the host dies
The warning let your fingers freeze around the edges of the picture.
“He's using the wrong organisms”, you muttered, swallowing heavily as you finally understood, “If the Khalia can't attach itself to the system, the host will ultimately die either way, but it's possible to control their bodies even after death...they're not combined, there's no synergy.”
“They already started using children as hosts in the last lab we found. Maybe there's nothing left to match”, Natasha interjected, frowning.
“So... is he like...breeding the one's he's got left to extract more of them? And then immediately inserts them into a body?” Tony's eyes widened in absolute disgust. “That man will stop at nothing, will he?”
“Well, he is being hunted by both SHIELD and Hydra at the same time. He has no other choice. Like a cornered animal – he's lashing out at any- and everything.” The team exchanged some wary glances as agent Rick circled the table.
„Maybe he's just trying to buy time...maybe this isn't actually to experiment on those people” Steve mused out loud, „What did these places look like? Where were the victims injected?“
„Just ordinary apartments, nothing crazy. He occasionally left some equipment behind, or just syringes, empty vials, ropes...empty oxygen cylinders”, another agent, whose name you didn't know, spoke up from across the room.
„No protection against the hosts?“, you asked.
„No...“, agent Rick shrugged, “at least no weapons.”
„He's injecting them before he leaves. It's a diversion. He could never keep them contained for long after the injection and if he doesn't even have anything to protect himself, he's not experimenting. He let's them fuse as soon as someone gets too close.” You nodded to yourself, searching for Tony's eyes across the table. “He's found a way to actually use them as a weapon. Just not the way Hydra planned.“
Aachen knew something. He knew Heyne had messed up...
This was not the work of a scientist anymore. He had no more control over anything, he simply fled without a plan.
„Then we gotta find a way to stop him from injecting anyone. If they die after the injection, we have to prevent that beforehand. Wanda could-” Steve's prompt was interrupted by the same nameless agent.
“We can deal with the hosts as long as we're armed with fire and blades.”
„That's our last resort; we still have to try to save these people“, Steve said, quiet but dangerously low.
„Heyne is more important“, the dude answered.
Rage surged in the pit of your stomach as you realized his indifference to these people, that were falling for Heyne's sick experiment; still suffering under the monster you hadn't been able to destroy all those years ago.
„They're human beings. They don't have to die. If we can still save them, then we need to try!“, you snarled, letting everyone's head snap around to you, “Heyne is the cause, but if we'll just dispose of these humans in the way he intents, then we're no better than him.”
A vortex of energy materialized around you, swirling across the room toward the agent who'd apparently decided, that it was okay to simply discard of humans like they were cattle.
He tensed when your strings reached and tugged on him, demonstrating how wrong it was to be controlled by a Khalia. The fear in his expression, as his fingers uselessly fumbled around the handle of his weapon snugly sitting in it's holster, excited the other being inside of you to no end.
Steve was suddenly right next to you, whispering your name as he placed a firm hand to your shoulder. “Don't let your emotions get the better of you now. We need you to stay calm, okay?”
The agent backed up to a wall, pressing himself against the flat surface with wide eyes.
Oh shit...you hadn't used your powers like this in so long.
“S-sorry”, you murmured breathless and Steve's gaze softened.
“It's alright...just take a moment. Maybe sort some of your thoughts while we work on a plan.”
His eyes flickered through the room, passing Bucky before they returned to you, “If you need to solve this beforehand, then try it. Maybe this can't wait until after the mission.”
You understood. Even so, you initially wanted to disagree with his suggestion. Because one look at Bucky was enough to let your heart feel awful and heavy again.
You nodded anyway.
“There's a small room at the end of the hallway”, Wanda told you from your other side, sparing neither of you a glance as she made her way over to agent Rick, who'd just started to develop some concept for a possible pursuit.
Bucky had his arms crossed in front of him, staring at Steve instead of looking at you. He was so incredibly stressed that he couldn't even hide it.
For a small second you waited for another hint of the Winter Soldier to be found in this man standing there. A change like last night's vision.
Yet even with the biting scowl in his features, he no longer resembled him. Nothing close to the fabricated image of your nightmares.
It had all been the fear of the moment then... and you'd still let it destroy you.
This wasn't the time to be weak and indecisive.
Bucky's arms fell to his sides as you took a few steps towards him and his face paled instantly. He looked even more frightened of you than you'd felt in these last hours.
He backed away as you approached.
“Can we talk for a moment?”, you asked, ignoring the sudden silence behind you in the room.
His jaw was grinding, his eyes trembling as he contemplated what to say.
It looked like he was going to say no, honestly.
But he decided to give you a few curt nods and followed you into the hallway.
The 'small room' was just some storage closet, and you were almost ready to blow this entire thing off, when you thought of getting in there with him.
There was a small light hanging on the ceiling, which you had to turn on by tugging on a cord attached to it, revealing the very cozy dusted space. It was enough space to let you and him stand before each other without having to touch. But this was better than letting anyone else hear what you would discuss in here. Hopefully they wouldn't listen too closely.
Bucky was radiating nervousness like it were all he was in this moment. But he didn't protest when you closed the door; didn't even blink when you turned to him.
“Where?”
His voice startled you. You hadn't expected him to speak first.
“What?”
“Where did I hurt you”, he rasped, “I can't...can't remember exactly, but I... I hurt you, I know I did.”
You shook your head, “No. No, not like that...it wasn't that bad, it was just-”
“Wasn't that bad?”, he bit out. “Are you out of your mind? I recall using my full force last night. My hand didn't know the difference between an intruder and... you.”
Heat rose to your face, settling behind your eyes and let them burn.
He'd seen you as a threat too?
“I didn't mean to scare you.” The words barely made it over your lips before your eyes glossed over. “I only wanted to help and then I- I... I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, that I didn't know any better. That I left and that I- That I broke your trust.”
That was all you ever did, seriously. You always just cried, like the naive girl you were inside. Always too overwhelmed to do anything, but sob about your fucking life.
You buried your face in your palms, muffling the hiccups.
“Broke my trust?”, he whispered. “You?”
With all your strength needed to keep the violent sobs down, that were physically tying your lungs, you couldn't look at him as his breath hitched.
“I don't even know, if I want to hear an explanation for this, seriously”, he sneered, not at all amused. “Why you would think any of last night's events where your fault? I attacked you, I scared you and you cry because you think it was your mistake? I can't fucking believe it.”
“It's not like that” You shook your head, dropping both hands from your face. “But I was so mad at you for not giving me the chance to help or be there for you, when you weren't doing well. Now I can see how wrong I was to be good enough for you. What scared me more than your 'attack' was that I could barely think straight or even figure out an actual way to console you, so I-” Your lips were still trembling when you finally lifted your eyes. “So I numbed all your thoughts and put you to sleep. I did what I promised myself to never do and invaded your mind...I don't deserve to be with you if I can't even keep myself from crossing such a crucial line.”
There was a barely noticeable drop in his shoulders. “You used your powers on me?”
You nodded, more tears rolling down your cheeks. “God, I'm such a coward, I'm so sorry, I swear I wouldn't have done it if-”
“I didn't even know”, he muttered. “I didn't even realize you changed anything...”
Fear flashed through his eyes.
You were still so ashamed and angry at yourself; it felt like nothing could ever fix what you'd done. And yet, he watched you like it were all his fault.
“Listen, I know it's hard that I'm so closed off and avoidant, but that's not your responsibility. Guess it doesn't matter wether I say this or not, but you cannot fix me. I'll keep fucking up, I'll keep letting you down, I know I will because I can't control these stupid instincts most of the time... and to hear you say that you don't deserve to be with me- Jesus, that's the worst thing I ever heard come out of your mouth.”
The anger crossing his face took you off guard.
“If anything, I'm the one who doesn't deserve you. I don't deserve your love, your time nor your care. I don't deserve to be near you because I'm the one who ruined your life. And last night, I reminded you of exactly that person.”
You wanted to argue, but he just kept talking.
“I saw it – the way you watched me. I've seen you look at me like that before, a long time ago. Like I'm some monster...someone who once condemned you. And maybe that's what I should've been. I should've stayed away from you, yet I can't bring myself to return to a life without you. Not again.”
His hands lifted gently and cupped your head – a stark contrast to his harsh words.
“I want to be good. I want to be a man worth your love, but it's so hard when I'm constantly reminded of who I was to you. How can I ever be what you need then?”
“But you're all I need, Bucky”, your voice staggered. “I only love you and I only want to be with-”
“That's not enough. It won't save us to just love each other, you know that.”
Now the anger rose within you as well.
“You don't mean that”, you hissed, slapping his hands away. “You only say that because you're as scared as I am. You're still afraid to let whatever this is between us develop! Haven't you had enough? Of all your self-pity? You're so willing to throw this all away because of your fear and I'm seriously starting to hate you for it.”
His fingers twitched, before they fell from your face.
“Maybe that's how it was meant to be.”
It felt as if your entire body had been plunged into an ice-bath all of a sudden.
He recoiled and swallowed as the shock let your tears dry.
“I see”, you breathed, accepting whatever emptiness his words had created within you.
And before your riddled mind could find another way to claw at his barriers and coax the softer side of him out, you simply flung the door of the closet open to escape this suffocating intimacy.
There was no time for a full crisis, being in the middle of a mission.
Steve was standing in the hallway, his eyes wide as he examined you and then Bucky, as if he'd expected a different outcome.
“Everything okay?”
“Yes, everything's great”, you bit out, strutting back into the makeshift briefing room. “Let's just get to work.”
The moment you entered the block surrounding the abandoned building, everyone knew it was already too late.
Heyne had already vanished. It was as if he'd known about this ambush, the second your team set out.
Everyone had gathered to surround the hideout, grouping into their own teams in a safe distance.
„There's a dispatch coming through about a car tearing through the city like a tank. Could be Heyne”, agent Rick reported. “We need a few of us to follow, maybe we could intercept him somewhere.”
“Sam and Tony will go after him”, Steve answered, looking around, “I'll go too and stay on the ground. Buck?”
Bucky turned from his spot by a street corner and awaited further instructions, only to whirl back around as the muffled screech of something that sounded like a dying animal reached you.
“Movement on the third floor, there's at least three or four of those zombies up there”, came another warning through the earpiece and the rest of your team also rushed to take cover a bit closer to said building. “He prepared a little party for us.”
“Two more on the ground floor.”
There's many more, be careful. They're still confused, but probably not for long
You looked around, meeting Wanda's gaze. “Are you ready to advance?”
“We should be able to get closer, but if they attack us we risk putting everyone else in danger, Y/N...”
“We don't have time, Buck. Come with me”, Steve huffed, ready to head out into the direction where Heyne's supposed car fled, but Bucky didn't move from his spot.
“Cap, are you on your way?” The question came from Sam. “Tony's got a track, we just gotta stick to it.”
Bucky's eyes flicked over to you as Steve's shoulders tensed. “I can't”, he stated. “I can't leave.”
A wretched sound followed his words, letting the entire site return to high alert. Two figures emerged from the apartment building's entrance, staggering down the sidewalk. The sight let all your senses sharpen: The dark trails on their faces, the contrasting veins bulging beneath their skin...
“You have to”, Steve bit out, taking a step back toward Bucky, “You're the only other person here who can keep up with me, so get going.”
You tried not to pay his expression any mind as he searched for you again and simply turned on your heel, deciding that you would stop Heyne's victims before anyone could harm them. “Wanda can you cover me?”
She nodded and followed you without hesitation.
More voices drifted through the building, louder and full of agony.
“Are you sure that's a good idea, rookie?”, Clint asked from his spot on a nearby rooftop, “They look like they're gonna rip you apart if you take another step.”
“Wanda and I will take care of them, everyone else should keep the entire street clear and make sure none of them escape. Whoever's free should go after Heyne.”
A glance over the shoulder let Bucky know, that you were talking about him as well. His eyes briefly darkened with anger, but he followed Steve then, telling Sam that they were on their way.
You couldn't use him around here anyway; this was the better alternative.
A shot was fired at one of them, hitting the clueless person into the shoulder, resulting in the very shift the Khalia had warned you about.
“Stay back!”, you called out, when a group of agents inched closer behind you. “And don't shoot, unless absolutely necessary!”
The cacophony of their miserable cries was letting every hair on your body stand on end, but you fought the fear back and pressed on, confusing the wounded man, whose empty, black eyes were immediately searching for you.
“Wanda, you'll have to hold them at a distance for me, while I try to find the Khalia inside of them. If my guess is right, I could try and control the patterns, to-”
You weren't even sure what you should do with them at that point, but you knew it could go somewhere. It would at least slow them down. Perhaps it would buy the teams enough time to secure the victims without anyone getting hurt.
But even with your direct order to not interfere, one of the agents shot another hole into the already injured person before you, causing them stagger and roar in pain.
The human part of them could still feel everything.
Before you had the chance to repeat your order, two more burst out of the entrance, all of them charging at you like their minds had all simultaneously decided on it.
You curbed their speed with a short burst of energy, giving Wanda enough time to gather them with her magic. But by then, the remaining victims inside had already found their way to the front of the building.
Windows were crashing as they recklessly hurled themselves through the panes. Their bodies tumbled onto the street, limbs audibly crushed, bones cracking from the impact, before you and Wanda could even think about intervening with it.
The bodies were struggling to stand, but it didn't stop them from fighting on. More and more poured through the entrance and the already broken windows until the street was overrun. None of them had an idea what to do with themselves, so instead of finding any orientation first, they charged toward the nearest imminent danger they could sense.
Bullets were raining down on the crowd.
“Aim for their legs!”, came Natasha's command, “Stop them from gaining any more advantage, but spare their heads if possible!”
It was obvious that the entities had taken over each and every one of these humans. The organism within them were only led by carnal instincts; solely driven by nothing but rage and violence and fear. They were going rampage – crawling and stumbling around like cornered prey. But they weren't the prey. They were the hunters in this scenario.
Wanda helped you to push forward, her magic swirling around the street, capturing every human that was within her sight. She was so intently focused on them that you held a protective shield around her in case she could no longer defend herself.
The further she reached, the more fiercely the rest of them fought. As if the prospect of being stopped ignited their urges to an entirely new level of fury.
The zombie-like creatures lunged at whoever was closest, scratching at the agents uniforms and faces, sinking their teeth into their flesh, effortlessly ripping out whole chunks like feral wolves.
Some stopped screaming, when the human part of them died from the constant barrage, but that didn't deter any of them.
You let your energy strike out, knocking them off their feet and dragging them away from the agents, giving them enough time to get to safety as the victims turned their attention to you and Wanda.
“They're absorbing my power”, Wanda groaned behind you, face strained. “If we don't do something soon, I won't be able to hold them any longer.”
Clint and Nat bought you another few seconds longer, by electrifying some, sending them to writhe on the ground one by one.
You concentrated on each of them, sent the strings of your energy out, to latch onto their systems.
“Just a bit longer...”, you muttered, mostly to yourself, as you delved into their minds, securing each one with a link to your own. “I can do this.”
“That's the last one!”, Wanda called over to you, exhausted from the immense effort she had to use, while you filtered through the different patterns of energy in search for the Khalia that possessed these bodies.
Your power was hummed along all those intricate pathways and connections, binding them to your system with a chain of energy.
'Can't you do anything? Can we kill them?', you asked the other being within you, sensing it's hesitation.
I don't want to kill them...they're so young...so scared...
“Y/N-”, Wanda's voice was almost nothing but a whisper by now and you glanced back at her, seeing her legs tremble.
'Then we'll save them. Let's try to separate them from their host.'
We've never done that...
'Only one more reason to try.'
You closed your eyes in concentration and masked everything going on around you, to pinpoint the exact location of each Khalia.
The deeper you penetrated their minds, the less you felt of your own body; detached from the real world, you let their energy flood your mind.
It was so raw and undeveloped, nothing like your own powers. Not one of these organisms had an idea of what they were capable of. None of them knew how dangerous they were.
They're not even a day old...
Sadness washed over you, when your Khalia reached out to them, mentally guiding them towards your center – luring them with the promise of safety.
And you could feel it: The shift of their patterns as they voluntarily let go of the hosts minds and followed the call of their kind.
All their emotions crashed through you, accompanied by a short-lived burst of Wanda's stolen magic. White flashed behind your eyes and your heart seemed to wait for an eternity before it continued it's rhythm. You heard a gasp, likely your own, as your knees hit the ground.
God it was awful; it was too much!
Hold on a bit longer
You tried to ignore the pulsating heat that threatened to blow your body into tiny pieces any second when the Khalia collected them all into your midst.
They wanted to fight you; they would tear you into shreds and then use the rest of you to continue their destruction. That was all you could feel.
They would kill you.
They set your body on fire; seared you from inside until there would be nothing left but your ashes.
It was burning right through your core, their force – their rage. It was so hot, far too hot.
You hunched over in in agony. Even your throat was burning, you couldn't even voice your hurt or scream or call for help.
Though you gagged, when the stench of grilled flesh reached your nostrils. It was familiar.
Oh god...
'Make it stop, I'm begging you!'
You couldn't live through this again.
The Khalia didn't answer, still preoccupied with the swarm that was gathered in your center.
It was hell, absolute hell, and you were willed to just let go of them all, to end this pain, but you kept your focus. Another minute. Two more...
Maybe it was even longer; you couldn't tell.
Every cell in your body was screaming for relief. They took up so much space you swore to feel your skull to split open any second when-
A crack. A physical jolt within you; a wave of fresh adrenaline that coursed through your veins and let your nerve endings sear with the released energy.
With a gasp you opened your eyes and braced yourself against the asphalt, feeling it splinter and crack under your fingers.
Well done, the Khalia was so joyful for a moment, that your lips quirked with a nascent smile, They found peace, thanks to you. Thanks to us
Your arms were shaking, when the energy subsided and left you with a headache pounding in the back of your mind.
Lifting your head, you could see that the bodies of Heyne's remaining victims were lying motionless on the street, paramedics bustling around them, checking for injuries.
“It worked...”, you breathed out, barely able to sit up. “Oh my god, I did it.”
“Thank fuck, you did”, you heard someone say and turned your head at an angle to see Clint by your side. “Wanda almost passed out. That was a close call.”
“Is she okay?” You leaned back, swaying as soon as you were upright.
“I'm okay”, she answered from your other side, hesitantly stretching a hand out to you and placed it on your shoulder, “They were like sponges, otherwise this wouldn't have been such a problem.”
“You're really keeping us on our toes, rookie”, Natasha mumbled, standing a few feet away, watching the agents and medics do their job, “Always playing with your life, huh?”
“I didn't-”
You shook your head, thinking of what you'd done. “I didn't know what was going to happen, it wasn't planned...and it worked out in the end, didn't it?”
“It did. And we're proud of you”, Wanda stated, giving you a careful smile as she and Clint helped you to your feet, “It was just a bit...scary for a second.”
Your face dropped. “Why, what did I do?”
Nat sighed and turned around, giving you a once over, “You caught fire, rookie. Look at your damn uniform.”
You glanced down, finding a few patches in your uniform that appeared to have melted, similar to your garter belt. “Oh shit.”
“Not actually”, Clint corrected her, “But you were definitely smokin' for a second.”
The holes in the fabric weren't too huge, but big enough for you to feel a bit exposed. With a short look and a small turn over to Wanda you silently asked her, if your butt was out in the open and she caught on quickly.
With the tiniest hint of amusement, she tilted her head and said, “All good.”
“At least we were able to save them this time. Most of them at least”, Clint mumbled, watching the medics carry another person towards an ambulance, “Sucks that Heyne got away though.”
“He did?”, your eyes widened. “When did that happen? How do you know?”
They all frowned.
“Tony gave it through earlier. Hydra wanted to take their chances with him as well and caused a fucking mess on the highway. They lost track of Heyne when they had to fight them off...Cap was pretty pissed”, Clint explained.
The last shred of self-confidence you had left after your win over his stupid experiment dwindled by the second as you realized what that meant.
“Then he'll do it again...somewhere, sometime...he'll hurt even more people.”
You cursed under your breath, ruffling a hand through your hair in irritation.
“Honestly, it went better than expected.” Wanda rubbed her temples. “Guess that's worth the headache.”
chapter summary/ tags/warnings: nightmares, more trust issues, hurt, angst and bad decisions
Series Masterlist <- !general tags will be found here!
Authors Note: I didn't really edit this, just sayin.
Chapter 23
The next days your and Bucky's interactions were pretty shallow in comparison to the flurry of colors and feelings you'd experienced before your little fight. You could read his reluctance through his expression – the continuous attempts to search you out and never getting too close.
Sometimes he would openly stare at you, like he was waiting for you to say something, but whenever you'd attempted to even open your mouth, he already scampered off to somewhere else.
The only constant was the fresh cup of ginger tea he'd stand down by your seat at the table every morning, as if it counted into his own ritual, to prepare and bring it.
Always the exact way you liked it, with just a hint of fresh lemon.
Other than that, it only came down to greetings and short reassurance, if you were okay so far or if something was up.
“How was your day?”
'Oh, good! Would've probably been better if you wouldn't run off like a headless chicken every chance you get, Bucky.'
Of course you never told him, how annoyed you were. Was it even your place, to make him talk? Maybe you'd ruined all your chances to a good start with him through your bodily urges.
Maybe you'd interpreted his longing kisses completely wrong or even his touch, that was still burning in place days later.
Maybe an 'I love you' didn't automatically put you two into any type of actual relationship...you had very low experiences with that anyways.
You knew how to pleasure others, knew how to turn your emotions off for lust to take over. But with Bucky, you'd only known both together.
Could be completely different for him.
Was it selfish, that you'd hoped for more after that very emotional confession? Would it just take some time, to build this new type of together with him?
Please, for the love of god, stop thinking so much! I can't stand this constant worry over him anymore!
How was that your fault? Were you just supposed to act like it was normal, that he was distancing himself all over again?
It's been like three or four days, get yourself together, Y/N
Whatever...
Friday's notice for an emergency meeting late in the evening had you scrambling up from your couch and out the door in your giant cozy sweater and with your pen still clutched in your hand, where you stood before Steve – who was equally as hurried as you.
“What's this about?”, you asked him, quickly throwing the pen back into your room, hoping it would land on the dresser close by the door.
“No idea”, Steve muttered, “But Tony wouldn't call for an emergency lighthearted.”
Even Tony had some restraint, to use the teams cautiousness to his own advantage or stupidities.
“Where you drawing?”, he asked, when you followed him down to the conference room.
“Huh?”
“The pen...I just thought-”, he scrunched his brows, “Never mind.”
“Oh, I was writing some stuff down. I'm taking my diary time very serious, you know? Gotta keep check on my progress and all that.”
His face relaxed, “Oh, that's good. I'm glad it actually helped you...I know it's not for everyone.”
“Definitely.” You cocked your head to the side, “Did you ever try it?”
“Not in the same sense.”
His stiff posture was warning you, to not probe any further into it, so you only nodded in understanding, “Well, it's not for everyone, right?”
He gave you a gentle smile, before opening the door to the conference room.
Tony was already in there and it let you and Steve freeze to the spot, utterly shocked about him being on time.
“Okay, it's gotta be really serious then”, you mumbled and approached your seat.
The only other people in the room were Sam and Wanda and they both gave you a funny look, when Tony deliberately ignored your comment.
Everyone else was trailing in not soon after and you immediately met Bucky's eyes, the second he emerged from the doorway as if you were both just two magnets pulled towards each other.
He kept watching you the entire time, as he sat down. Even when Tony started speaking.
„Okay, guys, holiday's over. Time for some actual work again. SHIELD has a new lead to Heyne and we're supposed to get our asses out there and help them. Which is our job, to be fair.”
You stiffened in your seat, ripping your gaze away from Bucky.
“There's a bunch of people missing and those that were found, had all been showing symptoms of being injected with the same life form as our rookie. At least those who were still alive. SHIELD has taken the remaining victims in.“
„Where?“, you asked sharp.
„Heyne or the people? You gotta be a bit more specific.“
„Both.“
„Well to be fair, no one found him, but all that's left of this project, has definitely vanished with him. Informants claim, that his own people are after him now. He must've fucked up pretty bad, 'cuz whatever he's doing is without any of Hydra's help.“
„So he stole the organisms from Hydra?“, Steve asked, “After decades of work?”
„What's left of them. The victims have been found in various cities across a few states. He's clearly on the run. According to the pattern he travels in, he's getting closer to New York“, he showed an image of one of the deceased subjects faces, „And apparently he doesn't really care about the requirements for the experiment to work any more, which is concerning.“
Their eyes were bloodshot, black trails had formed in every visible opening, even their ears. Some limbs were twisted, patches of skin clawed open – ripped apart by nails and teeth.
„That's horrible“, Wanda stared at the image with wide eyes, „We have to stop him then. Before any more people get taken by him.“
„I agree, that's what were trying to achieve. Some agents have been after him for a while. They have a clue for his current location, but every time someone got too close, Heyne was already gone. So we need another strategy. And by strategy, I mean more power. We'll join the current team set on Heyne, so that Wanda and Solros can help. The agents on site will tell us, what else they need, but they want them both, to hopefully get better control over the...the injected specimen.”
You searched for Wanda's eyes, checking if she was ready for this or not. Her outside appeared calm, but the hint of red in her eyes, paired with the amount of determination in her expression were indicator enough, that she was ready to give it her all, to stop this.
„Things have gotten a lot worse in the last weeks, I didn't even know of any of this, before Fury called me earlier. And things have to be dire, if Nick Fury uses the word 'Please'...“
„Why did he only tell us now? Isn't this our mission?“, Clint asked.
„They hadn't identified the source of these experiments yet until a few days ago. Heyne's trace went back to the outer skirts of a town he'd once lived in, back in the beginning of his career, if you can call it that. And he was sighted not short after, to roam around some neighborhood. The connection with the specimen was pretty clear after that. He's either getting careless, or bored, otherwise I'm genuinely questioning his reputation of this vile bastard scientist.“
„Does he have anyone to protect maybe? Is he hiding someone? A family?“, Sam cocked his head to the side.
„Heyne doesn't have any family left.“, you said, shaking your head, “Not anymore.”
Tony furrowed his brows, “Not anymore? You're telling me he had one? When?”
“That was decades ago”, you huffed, “A wife, a son, maybe even a fucking dog, I don't know. They've never really played a role in his life anyway, guess it didn't matter to him, when they died. At least I'm guessing they're dead, since I stumbled upon a family grave some time in the past.”
“Why are there no records about that?”, Tony asked, already searching for data on your newest reveal.
“I thought SHIELD would know”, you mumbled.
“Whatever that means, I don't think it has anything to do with his appearance, so we'll get that sorted some other time. We'll leave tomorrow morning, so prepare for an early awakening.”
Tony was still deeply engrossed in whatever he'd found of Heyne's family, as he left the room, not even sparing anyone another glance.
You just assumed that you could get any other information through Friday, if he wasn't too keen on staying with the team. The peace and quiet of the last few weeks was definitely over.
To your surprise, Bucky was waiting in his seat, until you also got up. He was moving with you like a shadow, meeting you right by the exit of the room.
“You alright?”, he asked. Guessing by the nervousness in his eyes, he was more shaken by this all then you were.
“I am... Are you?”
He contemplated the question, glancing at some of the others, “Not sure... I don't know how to handle the thought of letting you go after him again.”
That took you off guard.
“I've been after him for a decade though... this is basically my job. My purpose.”
The intensity of my tone visibly put him on edge.
“But what if-”, he stopped and grabbed one of your hands, as if to ground him with your touch, “What if you'll get hurt again? Or if he has a plan, to take you out. We don't even know, what our last attack on Hydra might've caused, there's no way to ensure your safety!”
Something within you revolted against his words, “And what, you think it would be better if I left this to someone else?”
“That's not what I said”, he said quietly.
But he didn't try to correct it either.
You slipped my hand out of his and panic washed over him; his hand immediately tried to grab for it again, until he realized what he was doing.
“Don't you trust me anymore?”, he asked, so – so soft and airy, that your heart ached.
The conference room was empty by now, yet it felt wrong to talk in such an open, shared space.
You pushed the current conflict aside and carefully linked his hand with yours, without looking at him, “Maybe we should talk about this somewhere more private.”
Since you didn't really want him staying in your room with all this unsolved tension, you let him take you up to his own instead. You'd never been in there before and you weren't sure, what else you had expected, after he'd shown so much disinterest in decorations and changes to his surroundings.
It was plain, still filled with the standard furnishing and even the gray bedding, which you eyed with disgust, first thing after stepping inside. The room wasn't as neat, as you had imagined, the bed wasn't made and there were a lot of his things just strewn around the space. You saw the Vinyl you got him right by the record player. There were a few more, that you didn't recognize, which laid out next to it. Probably his own collection. And beside that was a shelf with books and-
And even comics.
Well that was a side of him you hadn't heard of yet. But it didn't really surprise you either.
“What problem do you have with me going after Heyne, specifically.”, you asked straight on, before he'd even closed the door.
“It's not that I have a problem with it, I just don't want to risk your life again.”
“But I can protect myself.”
The hesitation in his expression told you, he wasn't believing that statement.
“You didn't answer my question yet”, he breathed, “Do you still trust me or not?”
It was enough, that you had to even think of the actual answer, to see a change in him. He was devastated.
With a sigh, you sat down onto his bed, leaning your head into your palms, “I trust you as my teammate, Bucky. But if you start acting like I'm some helpless girl needing protection, then I'm very clearly not the one with trust issues.”
He thought about that for a moment, before he followed to sit down next to you.
“It's not that I don't trust you. I don't trust in the circumstances. In your luck; my luck. After what happened last time...I just cannot get over it. We were right there with you and couldn't prevent you getting hurt. You could've died in that fucking lab without your little friend.”
You scooted a little closer, when you sensed his body stiffening further – instinctively resting your hand on his forearm, “I'm sorry, that you had to witness my stupid mistake... I seriously wish, I would've known better. But you can't let that get to you, if it's gonna blind your ability to make decisions. That's what caused me to fuck up in the first place...”
His body stiffened further, before it relaxed under your touch, „So you're telling me, that I'd make it worse, if I try to protect you? What kind of bullshit-“
“You'll make it worse, if you assume I'm incapable. That's it. Or is that actually what you think?”
You were about to take your hand away, but Bucky sensed it, latching onto your wrist with his metal hand, just to immediately let go again. Something painful and horrified crossed his face and he clenched the metal hand into a fist.
„Okay, then...guess that's a pretty clear answer“, you scoffed and moved, to get up from the bed.
“Please- please don't leave yet, sweetheart...”
His warm hand gently wrapped around your lower arm, as if to guide you back to him, without any actual strength. The plea in his eyes let your decision to distance yourself from him falter immediately.
“I don't think you're incapable. I'm ... scared. So scared, you have no idea”, he breathed, unable to directly look at me, “Don't go...”
A side within you was screaming, to tell him, you weren't ready to let all this go and just look away again. But the sympathetic side of you wanted nothing more, than to wipe the sadness from his face and pull him into a soft hug.
You gnawed on your lip for a second, “I need to go and get my stuff ready for tomorrow...”
He took a heavy breath and let go.
“But I can come back after that”, you added quietly, “If you want me to stay...”
His eyes shot up to you – surprised and hopeful.
You squatted down between his legs, taking his face into your hands, “Stop expecting the worst of me. If you want me here, then I'll stay... for a bit. Unless you want me to sleep here.”
The warmth in his gaze vanished with your suggestion, “I don't know, if that's a good idea.”
“Alright”, you sighed and got up to a stand, “No sleepover then, I guess.”
Bucky sat in the exact same position you had left him in, when you returned to his room, but he'd changed his clothes into something more comfortable.
„Did you get everything ready?“ You searched for a bag or a backpack in the room.
„I always have a bag ready. All I have to do is to get into my gear tomorrow.“
„Oh“, you made a small, wondering sound, „You're always prepared then?“
„Just in case.“
There was a pinch in your heart. A distant ache, that seeped into you, with the knowledge, that he was always ready for the worst case. Not only when it came to others, but he was wired to stay on alert; was basically stressed about his entire life turning to shit any moment. He had so much to worry about, yet wouldn't share this burden with you – with anyone, actually.
„Don't look at me like that.“, he grumbled, standing up to walk over to you.
„Like what?“, you snapped out of your thoughts.
„Don't pity me, please. Not you.“, he was so close, that his scent was waking up each of your senses, “I already can't take others looking at me this way, but you?”
He huffed.
„I didn't mean to...“, the sudden embarrassment over your mistake let you avert your gaze, but he simply lifted your chin up to face him.
„I'm not weak.“
„I know.“
“And I can protect you...without scrutinizing your capability. That's all I need...I need to make sure, you'll always return home, no matter where you are. Wherever we go. Okay? Can you believe me in this?”
The quiet between you two was intense for a moment. There wasn't much to read from his expression, almost as if he had wiped it all off, to not let you see.
“Some more trust in advance, huh?”, you mused, “I'll try...”
He nodded, eyes falling to your lips, “Thank you.”
The kiss that followed was much softer, than the situation should've allowed.
It was gentle, reassuring. More for himself, than for you. No words were needed, if he just put his feelings into this kiss. He didn't need to open up, if he could just let you swallow his worries for him like this. It tasted like mercy. Like a question, that he could've never said out loud.
A deep – deep fright that he was searching an exit for. Definitely.
“Stop thinking so much”, he mumbled against your temple, before placing another kiss to that spot, “I know you do. You always think too much.”
“You're one to talk”, you said, no actual strength in your words or voice.
And you couldn't deny it. You were thinking about him a lot – about his reasons to hide from you, his dislike to take your help or even let you know about anything going on within him. Even though you wanted to be the one, to hold his heart in your hands, when it was to heavy to carry alone.
But you couldn't force him, to rely on you. No matter how much it crushed your soul, to accept this, you'd have to live with it.
Ignoring the tiny scratching claws of insecurity, you followed him to the bed, which he'd apparently made a bit more presentable during your short absence. He'd fluffed up the pillows and had a soft blanket draped over the actual bedding.
A short glance from him told you, that he was nervous what you would think of it.
“I know your bed is much comfier than this, but...”, he stared at the plain bed.
“It's enough. I gotta learn to sleep without all my pillows soon anyways.”, you chuckled.
“Why?”
“I've been using them to compensate for my loneliness. But I'm not lonely anymore, so it's time to get rid of them.”
His eyes lit up, “Guess that's a good thing then.”
He was letting you pick a spot and gave you time to find a nice position, before he joined you, snuggling right up to your side like he was trying to bury himself within you.
Being held like that – like one of the most precious things to exist – really did something to you. Bucky was gentle, when needed, but you'd experienced other sides of him by now. His form of intimacy had always felt all-consuming. Wholly claiming you in a need you couldn't even describe with words. He was craving a closeness, that most people would probably be daunted by. And you would've been too, if you weren't the same.
His overwhelming desperation mirrored yours by a good amount. Desperation caused by neglect.
Not everyone could handle this.
With the way, that he would stare at you; the way his eyes scanned you – so blunt and cold, yet full of something meaningful.
Maybe it didn't need any explaining, if this was his way of showing himself vulnerable. Maybe you were asking for too much, when demanding clearer communication...
The contrast of his gaze to his fond touch was so vast. The lazy circles he was drawing under your sweater, right over your hip, whenever he wasn't drifting his fingers over your side.
“I love you.”
His hand stilled somewhere on your waist, twitching once, before he placed it firmly against your back.
“I don't think it's ever gonna feel normal, to hear you say that.”, he whispered, “But I honestly can't get enough of it...”
A smile played around your lips and his face relaxed.
“Good.”
So you told him again, brushing your lips over his, until he was basically merging into the embrace; curling around your body like a shield.
His heart was drumming against his chest, but his eyes were growing heavier by the second.
Safe, secure
“Stay”, he said after a while, “It feels right, to have you here...I don't want you to leave tonight.”
You gave him another kiss. “Of course.”
The sun was shining down on the meadow; a warm wind was blowing through the blossoming flowers and the tall grass, that was tickling your fingertips, as you waded through the field. But there was a distant cold clinging to your skin, that couldn't be touched by the summery breeze, that let the fresh scent of nature drift through the air.
He was waiting somewhere close to you, head cocked to the side and tiny bouquet of daisies in his hands, that he was holding out to you like a proud toddler, who'd just finished picking them.
„Those aren't wild daisies“, you smirked, when you reached him, „Were did you get them?“
„Is that important? They're still for you, no matter where they're from.“, he laughed, eyes crinkling at the corners.
„Well, thank you.“, you gave him a softer smile, when he handed them over.
„Wish I could always bring you flowers“, one of his hands ran through his short hair, ruffling it a little in the back, “But I guess the chances of finding any are not on me to decide...”
Your narrowed your eyes at him and then watched the daisies, “What does that mean?”
He shrugged his shoulders, „It's not my choice, if it rains or if it's night or if there's any flowers to be picked to begin with. That's yours.“
But you had never made any decision, what the meadow should look like...
“Do you remember the last time it rained?”, you asked quietly.
“Not really”, he brushed his hand over your cheek, “And I'm glad it doesn't...these flowers don't need rain anyways. Maybe the sun will shine at a constant soon...then we got ourselves a perfect little paradise.”
He let his hand fall from your face and lifted one of yours to his lips, kissing along your knuckled and then shuffled a little closer, careful to not squish your flowers, when you closed you into his arms.
„I wish you would come every night.“
„Do you really miss me that much?“
„You're staying gone for longer now...I don't get to see you most nights...“, he gave you a bittersweet smile.
Weirdly enough, that relieved you more than it raised your guilt.
“Sorry”, you mumbled, searching for a hint of forgiveness in his eyes, but the light you'd seen in them just mere seconds ago was gone. “James?”
Something was off.
The flowers in your hand were falling to dust between your fingers, when the meadow was cast in shadows. Your James was gone, his caressing hands vanishing from your back as darkness came to surround you.
Your voice echoed in the void, as you called for him again, but there was no reaction. Only another distant sound, that echoed through the dead silent space. The recognition was setting in, before you'd figured it out entirely and panic was rising in your chest.
„Wake me up!“
The Khalia was keeping you calm, but with every second that they held you there, you fought stronger, to escape their attempt to keep you safe.
You jolted awake, sitting up straight in the bed.
The bed felt colder, without him by your side and your mind was only half aware of your surrounding; of the sounds that weren't stemming from your dream, but rather from Bucky.
He was writhing between the sheets, pain laced into his expression. You could barely fully make him out in the darkness and blinked against the numbness of your mind and moved forward, despite the missing connection of limbs and sense.
The Khalia's warning made it so much harder to push your body, but everything else inside you was telling you, that you had to act; that he wasn't okay and needed you.
“James...”, you whispered, feeling around the mattress, until you felt his arm. His unintelligible rambling and snippets of sound were stopping in an instant.
Bucky's head turned, when you moved your hand from his arm to his sweat soaked t-shirt over his chest, feeling his entire body tense beneath your touch.
Get down!
The command confused you. Still, the Khalia removed your hand from him just in time, to give you time to react, as he shot up, suddenly lashing out at you.
You ducked away under his arm and rolled off the bed in the same movement. He wasn't in his right mind, but the realization had come too late. Instincts were colliding; your need to protect yourself and your insanely strong worry for him let you falter in your decision, what to do. If you should run or stay.
Bucky's eyes were wide with panic, when he caught your ankle just in the second that your back hit the ground. The metal hand tightened around your ankle with so much sudden force, that you yelped.
“Ja- Bucky”, you gasped, voice shaking, “Bucky, it's me!”
The moment of shock was over the second he heard you and the grasp around you loosened immediately.
You crawled backwards, ignoring the pounding hurt of your ankle, to search for a safer spot further from the bed.
The recognition in his eyes turned into absolute horror, as he looked down at his hand and back up to you, “No...no, I didn't-”
He stumbled out of the bed and your body stiffened, when he came near.
You concentrated on the form and color of his arm – on the gold and the pattern, the sliver of moonlight shining on it's dull surface, that was nothing like the strong silver reflection in your memories. He wasn't the man you'd always been so scared of, but your body couldn't find the differences fast enough, to not react.
“Oh god”, the hitch in his voice let your attention snap back to his face, watching the panic take him over, “This can't be. I couldn't have- you're...”
“S-sorry, I didn't know- I didn't want to scare you“, you stuttered, tasting salt on your trembling lips, “I thought you were...in pain or- I wanted to help, I'm sorry, Bucky.”
Tears were pooling on your chin, trailing so far that you even felt them inch down your neck. But you couldn't stop them, no matter how much you were telling yourself this was someone else.
Never before, had you experienced your system fighting against itself like this. You'd known Bucky longer than the Winter Soldier and yet...yet it had taken such a short amount of time, to fall right back into the very fear you'd had for him before joining the Avengers. Only that it wasn't the sane part of your brain, that was flashing and interchanging the man before you with the remnant of your worst nightmares.
His body caved into itself, his legs too weak to carry him any closer, when he saw how truly scared you were and he simply sank to the ground as if he was giving up, “Y/N...”
“Y-you're safe”, you breathed, using the words to calm you both at the same time, “We're okay...”
Confusion mixed into your overwhelming emotions and there was a slight shift in your thoughts. The memory was moved so easily, shadowed by something much brighter – different moments with him; soft smiles, quiet laughs and his warm hand around yours. The gentle tone, whenever he would say your name...
The picture of the Winter Soldier was nothing against it; was nothing against the man you knew and loved. Your heart-rate was lowering with every breath you took. With every kiss you remembered.
“Are you hurt?”, he whispered, still completely devastated, “I hurt you, didn't I?”
You shook your head, determined to not let your past get the better of you. For your sake and for his. “I'm okay. Not hurt.”
His gaze still lingered on your ankle, unconvinced.
„You have to leave.“, he bit out, “You're not safe here, you need to...need to go.”
But his body language was telling you the exact opposite of his demand.
He was keeping his distance, but he leaned towards you with every other breath, as if he was hoping you wouldn't listen to him.
“No, I'm safe here”, you said, carefully moving under his close inspection, “We're both safe.”
Your tears had stopped, when you were inching forward; the storm in your head controlled by the calming touch of the Khalia.
He was slowly shaking his head at you, the closer you came, but he didn't stop you from reaching out. His chest was heaving with every breath, panic still holding his muscles tight.
“I don't know, what came over me”, he muttered, when your hand rested on his upper arm, “I should've never let you sleep here, I knew this would happen. I fucking knew and still-”
You lifted his head up with your hands, silencing him with a stern look, “Everything is okay.”
“Is it?”, he asked, jaw clenching under your palms.
You shuffled even closer, almost putting yourself into his lap, to then drift your fingers through his hair and brushing them back over his temples, gently testing if you could find an easy connection to his mind that way.
In a hushed tone, you began to ramble the first thing that came to your mind, when you thought of safety. A poem from your childhood. It wasn't important, if he could understand you, the words were flowing melodic enough, that it distracted him. And that way you could catch onto the webbed memories in his head without any resistance.
The strings of his thoughts were jumbled, but you could catch some fleeting images of things, that you could remember too well. The hangar...the tiled lab in which he'd fought against you.
Heyne.
It was always him...always him haunting you. And even Bucky wasn't spared by the scientists impact.
He closed his eyes, not realizing that it was you, who was making him so sleepy as you put the memories all back in order and veiled them, steadily letting your energy calm his heartbeat and breathing, until he was almost drifting off.
“We should go back to bed, hm?”
He nodded, leaning into your touch once more, before he let you pull him up.
There was no more terror in his eyes, when you guided him to the bed, careful to not put too much pressure on your foot.
You continued to hum some tune, when he settled into your arms without question, letting you hold him; let you stroke through his hair as if you were all that he needed, unknowing of the constant energy that was cradling his mind to sleep.
The disgust over your actions was rising as soon as his breathing slowed and his body relaxed.
It's better this way
It didn't matter, if you were right or wrong in your doing. You'd never wanted to invade Bucky's head ever again and you'd crossed this line in absolute selfishness.
When you were sure that he was fast asleep without your help, you got up from the bed and left the room.
chapter summary/ tags/warnings: mentions of infertility, Bucky's finding new stuff to be troubled about, reader is desperate and confident to get some
Series Masterlist <- !general tags will be found here!
Authors Note: Sorry for the long wait, I have no explanation beside being too anxious about my progress for future chapters. It's the same with money for me, I can't spend any if I don't have at least a certain ammount left in my bank account... so I couldn't post this chapter before finishing at least 3 more drafts lol.
And I know that's not crocus, but it's not about the crocus guys... you'll see soon
Chapter 22
“How romantic”, Sam hummed, shooting Bucky an impressed wink, “Bet she'll rave about it forever.”
“No, that wasn't romantic, it was necessary”, Bucky huffed, taking another swig of the beer that his friend had brought for him; out of pure solidarity. “None of that felt like a confession, it was fucking heartbreaking.”
“But it's definitely ripe for a story to tell your kids one day”, he chuckled.
It turned into a full laughter as Bucky choked on his sip, coughing with a hand to his chest.
“God, Sam”, Steve shook his head, equally as amused, but not as openly spiteful as his friend. “Give them some time, will ya?”
“Time for what?”, Bucky asked, still coughing. “Do you hear yourselves? I've known her for what? A year? Not even a full year, Jesus – what's wrong with you?”
“Ah! You didn't say no!”, Sam remarked, to which Bucky just rolled his eyes.
“Should've never told you guys any of this.”
“This is an important matter, my brother”, Sam gave him a stern look and then nodded at Steve, “We need to be informed about everything in case we need to intervene.”
Steve grinned reluctantly. “Intervene?”
“If they fight, yeah. It's what good friends do.”
Bucky watched Steve's reaction carefully, checking whether he was still behaving weirdly or if Sam's suggestion to resolve things casually had been a good idea for once. He hadn't touched his beer, as expected, but he hadn't left yet either. A sign of improvement, right?
Steve was watching the snow pile up on the outer wall around the roof to his side and wiped his hand over the soft, white blanket, as if to 'clean' it. More likely to distract himself from the topic.
If Bucky had to guess what Steve was thinking, it was probably a prayer to put this conversation behind and return to the scarce interactions they'd been maintaining over the last week or two.
He'd tried to have an honest conversation with him several times, but all attempts had quickly failed because Steve looked visibly tormented with every time you or your decision mentioned.
The fact that you chose Bucky was slowly wearing Steve down, no matter how much he wanted to be happy for his best friend.
It pained him to know what he was going through. But as Steve had already said before – it was your decision. And no one could change that, even if he would've considered explaining himself to you once or twice, he deemed it completely unnecessary to involve you in their conflict.
Perhaps it all just needed some more time to feel natural again. Steve was already handling things much better between the two of them than Bucky had anticipated.
Actually, nothing had really changed between you and him. Aside from the moments of you and Bucky being in the same room, Steve was still doing quite well. But so far he'd handled his days in a way, to avoid situations like that.
“You know what else good friends do?”, Bucky asked, putting his bottle down, “They don't fantasize about each others potential kids. That's weird, dude.”
Steve and Bucky both perked up when they heard the quiet creak of the door down by the bottom of the stairs.
“Huh? No, that's exactly what good friends do”, Sam said, oblivious to the person coming up the stairs, “And honestly, she'd make a good mom. Have you seen the stuff she does around here? Her cooking is heaven. She's great with plants, therefore a good caretaker and her interior choices are top-notch” He gestured across the rooftop to emphasize his point with a presentation of the hideous, glowing reindeer sleigh, but stopped when he saw you standing on the last step, eyebrows raised. “Oh. Speak of the devil.”
“I'm sincerely hoping you weren't talking about me”, you mumbled, already knowing better by the mischievous grin that Sam was giving you.
“Oh, come on. You guys would have beautiful babies together.”
Bucky's face fell. He couldn't be fucking serious.
“Okay, that's enough for today”, Steve sighed dramatically and snatched the bottle from Sam's hand.
You giggled, glancing at Bucky before you headed over to the greenhouse.
Okay, thank god you weren't taking the joke personal. That could've easily backfired.
Out of them all, Bucky was likely the only one knowing about your...issues regarding fertility.
Steve was still watching you, noticeably more nervous than just a few seconds ago.
They'd chosen the rooftop for privacy, but Bucky hadn't taken into count, that you were constantly coming up here...yeah, that was on him.
“Seriously though, she makes some really good cinnamon rolls”, Sam nodded to himself, “Gotta say, that's the only part I'm a bit jealous about. You could have that for the rest of your life, you lucky bastard.”
Bucky groaned, “I'm never drinking with you again.”
Steve had quickly decided, that he was done talking and Bucky knew that he just wanted to flee from both you and him in the same spot. He wouldn't stop him, obviously, but he was firmly hoping that it wouldn't stay this way forever. He missed his best friend. Especially now that he was treading through this uncharted territory, completely blindfolded.
Steve got himself to tell you goodbye too and your sweet smile let the man's shoulders relax with no effort before he went downstairs
Sam silently watched the street over the brick wall and chugged the rest of his beer, then got up as well.
Bucky quirked an eyebrow. “So I'm not interesting enough to stay? Did you only come for Steve?”
“This was a buddy-talk for you and him, I was only coming along as a support. Besides, I think a lot more interesting things are happening up here now.”
He gave the greenhouse one short look before clearing all the bottles from the small table and then strutting off to the stairs.
Part of him wanted to be annoyed at Sam's joke about you and Bucky not being able to keep your hands off each other...on the other side, he really couldn't deny there being some truth to it. Partially.
Maybe that was one of the reasons why Steve felt so uncomfortable.
Even though Bucky was doing his absolute best to be decent with his advances toward you.
Or...well, it were mostly half-decent attempts...
Okay, he'd tried. Sometimes.
Who was he kidding? He was addicted.
One would've thought that lust and desire would cool after satiating some of these needs, but no – they had only gotten so much worse. All the new possibilities to dream of you in this type of way literally kept him awake most nights. It wasn't as forbidden anymore, now that he'd seen the true source of his former fantasy. He was aware that this in no way gave him permission to be as perverted as he sometimes wanted to be, so he was kind of grateful for his ability to constantly overthink everything. It helped to overlay the tension of lust with the tension of shame.
Still, sometimes he would end up thinking about nothing but you anyways.
Because it felt so good. Felt so good to love and be loved. He'd forgotten, how enthralling this was. The attraction; the fucking magic of it...the force with which heart was yearning.
Yeah, there was a good reason why Steve avoided you both.
He watched you from the entrance of the greenhouse, working away on some planter in your colorful garden gloves and a simple cardigan, as if it wasn't 30 fucking degrees outside. To be fair, the inside of the greenhouse was honestly rather cozy and warm. Surprisingly so.
“Sorry about that comment”, he said after a while and you gave him a short glance, before returning to loosening the fresh soil.
“It's alright, I know he was joking.”
But the guilt still gnawed at him, as he remembered your pained expression after you'd admitted that those Hydra experiments had also destroyed your reproductive organs.
“You sure, it's alright?”, he cocked his head to the side, hands tucked into his jacket.
Your hands stilled mid-air and Bucky stiffened, afraid he'd touched a nerve.
A sigh came over your lips before you stripped the gloves off and turned to him.
“You don't have to feel obligated to talk about this with me, I know men are grossed out by stuff like this.”
He frowned, taken aback, “Like what?”
“Like...periods and cycles and stuff”, you murmured, avoiding to meet his eyes, “I don't want you to see me that way.”
He blinked in confusion, daring a few steps into your garden.“None of that is gross and I'm not personally interested in the topic itself, to be honest. I'm just concerned about the impact it has on you...you didn't seem very happy about it.”
You finally met his eyes, “Not gross? You sure?”
“Damn sure”, he said, “Don't know what kind of guys you been talkin' to, but those weren't men, if they can't handle stuff like that.”
“Oh, so you're a real man, is that what you're tryna say?”
He snorted, feigning annoyance, “Alright, go ahead and make fun of me when I'm comforting you, good job.”
You bit your lip, “You're right, sorry...”
Your apology included a short little kiss on the cheek before you pulled his hands out of his pockets and made him hug you.
“It's a bit complicated... I never thought of having kids before all this, but when I was examined by SHIELD for this whole alien organism stuff and learned that my hormone levels and my ovaries were basically frozen in time, that kind of fucked with my mind. There's already a lot of stuff wrong with my body, I didn't like that I could never even choose such a future for myself anymore...It's not the end of the world though, it's just a bit dejecting.”
He felt his entire body relax into your embrace without hesitation.
“Guess you'll need to find someone else, to get your big happy family”, you added, when you looked up at him.
He raised his eyebrows, “You thought I wanted a family? What in the world makes you think I would be fit for that?”
You shrugged your shoulders, “Maybe not right now, but someday. Or back in the 40s, you know? A house, a wife, a dog and a couple children to match the American dream or some shit.”
Bucky scoffed. “Is that how you see me? If so, I'm sorry to inform you that I'm much more of a cat person.”
Your laugh went straight to his core – so damn bright and tranquil, that it was like a melody in his ears.
“Yeah, I like cats too...”, you mumbled, sealing the moment with another kiss.
The softness of your lips and that of your body under his hands almost ruined him on the spot.
Why were these moments with you always so serene? Had he always succumbed to anyone this easily?
Yet it was you who deepened the kiss. You tilted your head to part his mouth, nibbling on his bottom lip, gently pulling him closer by his neck.
Christ, he could've gone on like this forever. Just this. Just fucking kissing, nothing else.
One of his hands drifted underneath the cardigan and further under the hem of your shirt, grazing your skin with his fingers until he felt a slight shiver run through your body.
“Not here”, you gasped, but before you could even start to actually reason with him, he already guided you back against your wooden work bench that was standing to his right. He calmed his touch, when you groaned from the harsh impact and tried to make up for it with loving strokes over your sides.
“God, you feel so nice”, he muttered, trailing his mouth lower until he could nip at your neck.
His absolute favorite place. He'd loved it even before he'd gotten a taste of it. And now he was allowed to have it – over and over. As long as his mind allowed at least.
“Bucky-”, you breathed, pulse spiking right under his lips, “Not in front of my plants.”
But he'd broken moments like these off so often in the last two weeks, just because of his damn brain working overtime. If his head was calm then – God, no. He couldn't stop now.
Lost in the heat of the moment, he swiftly picked you up and sat you onto the table, not caring about all your pots or the scattered tools and simply pushed everything out of the way that wasn't needed.
And he needed nothing but you anyways.
Then he returned to your mouth, tasting more of you, while his hands lifted the front of your shirt, exposing your stomach to the cold air, which you commented with another soft gasp.
But when one of the pots fell to the floor, he tore his hands away from your waist and hips, and you both jerked around toward the sound.
“Shit”, he tried to steady his breath. “Sorry, I didn't mean to-”
You pushed him off, jumped from the table and quickly bent down to take care of it.
A relieved sigh escaped you when you came back up and stood the slightly cracked pot onto the bench, “They're okay, it's all good.”
His heart was still going crazy, but the concentrated pinch of your brows was telling him that the accident had ruined your mood.
“I didn't kill something on accident, did I?”, he asked quietly.
You stared down at the pot, searching for something in the dirt inside, “No, they're okay...I mean just one wouldn't be that bad, I guess, but I searched a while for these hybrids specifically...”
Bucky frowned at the different pots on the table, “And what exactly are those?”
“Just crocus. I was prepping the bigger planter for the early woodland starters, but these are gonna take a bit longer.”
“Oh, okay... So they'll survive?”
You smiled at him. “They won't sue you, don't worry.”
“Isn't it still too cold for any plants to grow?”, he mumbled, scanning the surrounding beds and pots for signs of buds or any other signs of life at all.
“Crocus can grow during this season. Some at least. But Tony's working on Eco-friendly heating in here that won't pose a fire-hazard, so the rest of my spring plants can also come up earlier.”
So that's why it was so warm in here.
“He's still trying to compensate, huh?”
You placed your hands flat onto the table, one on either side of the pot. “He apologized like a thousand times, but I guess he doesn't feel like it's enough... I'm not even that mad at him, I was just disappointed.”
“Which you have every right to be”, Bucky nodded and in a hushed tone he added: “Although I think he never intended to hurt you. Pretty sure he planned to humiliate me, not you. At least it's usually me he's out for.”
Your hands clenched over the table. “He's...out for you?” You slowly turned your head. “That...don't tell me-”
He shook his head to stop your thought process from going off the rails. “Let's not talk about that now. I don't want to go over this again”, was what he said.
But a new connection had already formed in his mind, one he never needed. As his amends to Stark for the death of his parents suddenly lead to a chilling realization of everything he'd never apologized to you for.
“Well, his idea of doing things for me is very... odd anyways”, you said, unaware of the change that was taking place within him.
“I never...never really apologized for it”, he said, breath catching in his throat.
You turned, stopping to rearrange the tools on the worktable. “Hm? For what? For Tony's stupid ideas? I don't think that's your job, Buck-”
“No. For your...for your uncle. And your aunt too.”
The sounds of the street beneath was drowned by the pounding of his heart when your expression darkened.
“For your life in general.”
It slowly dawned on you.“You...My aunt?”
He should've never said anything. Should've never given his mind the chance to even form a thought about it.
In under a second, all the mistakes he'd made and the consequences of Hydra's control over him flashed through his mind. All the cruelty he'd inflicted upon you. It contrasted so heavily with the lighthearted mood of just a minute ago.
“I'm so sorry”, he managed to say. “I'd already crossed his name from my memory when I knew there was no one left to search for, but you...you're here now and-”
“Did you kill my aunt?”, you asked, horrified.
“No”, he blurted out. “Not directly, no. But it was for the cause of keeping you in the facility, so it's basically a part of my fault” His voice turned rough when your stance became more guarded. Just by a fraction.
“There was nothing left of my family in general”, you muttered, clutching the gloves in your hand like they would protect you from the gruesome truth. “Hydra did a good job, gotta say...they even got rid of my parents' grave, so I could only assume they took her too when I looked for her...”
Your parents grave? His body felt really cold all of a sudden. He hadn't even known about that.
“So the winter soldier is only responsible for my uncles death, yeah?”, you asked, studying him carefully.
He nodded, averting his gaze when he was too petrified to speak any further. He didn't miss the emphasis on the name Winter Soldier. As if to show that you had internalized the difference between him and Bucky by now.
“Okay”, you sighed, shoulders sinking, “I already knew, not that dramatic.”
His eyes snapped up to you. “Not dramatic?”
Sure, it was your choice how to deal with something so tragic, but he'd never expected to hear you say something like that, knowing how important family had always been to you.
Your next words were so vicious that he nearly couldn't recognize them as yours. “That man can rot in hell for all I care. I'm not saying he deserved to die, but I won't mourn him either, so don't take that upon yourself. He's not worth it.”
Bucky was completely at a loss.
And it only got worse, when you turned with a half-smile to try andassure him. What the fuck was was going on?
“You're not even a little mad? I don't understand-”
“You don't have to, just don't mention him again. Ever.”
There was a certain sharpness in your voice now, a sharpness that should've come long before this sentence.
And he wavered between the instinct to protect you from whatever was troubling you so much and the common sense of not crossing any more boundaries when you were already so shaken up.
“If anything, he was more of a criminal than you have ever been. Corrupt piece of shit... At least he did it all on his own accord and not under the influence of brainwashing or-”, you trailed off when you caught yourself revealing more than you'd wanted.
All he could remember about that man was his name and the short moments that he'd been to your apartment. And his face in those very last moments of life. Right before he'd taken it from him.
“Can we just talk about something else? This isn't a good conversation for us, I don't want to spend my evening with sulking or dwelling in our past”, you huffed, discarding your gloves somewhere in one of the drawers under the table, “I already know we're good at that.”
It took every bit of his strength to not object and come back to all the horrible acts he'd committed.
“W-was the heating for your greenhouse actually his idea?”, he asked instead, still feeling incredibly uncomfortable. “Tony, I mean...”
“No, not really. His first offer definitely wasn't that humble”, you said and leaned against the edge of the sturdy planter, searching for his eyes. “And if he ever brings it up with you, tell him no. I already said that it was ridiculous, but it's Tony after all, so I'm not surprised either.”
“Why? What was it?”, Bucky asked, his curiosity steadily rising when you inspected the tips of your shoes with strong interest.
“He offered to modify your... arm.”
It took him a second to grasp any possible gain you had from his arm being modified. And none of it made an actual sense as a form of compensation.
“I don't get it”, he stated, “What's my arm gonna do for you?”
“Well, uhm...”, your hands fumbled with the sleeves of your cardigan as you began to stammer, “Just an idea for- since he assumed that we- well, we did, so it's not even just an assumption, but- I mean, I didn't personally tell him anything, Tony's just naturally very pushy, you know that.”
Bucky lifted his eyebrows, awaiting more explanation as you couldn't even look at him longer than a second.
“He said something about temperature regulation and v-vibration.”
It didn't take any genius to understand the intention behind the offered modification.
“Oh”, he slowly crossed his arms in front of his chest, unsure what to do with his hands. “And you... declined?”
You turned to face him, wide-eyed. “Of course I did! What kind of person do you even take me for? Your arm isn't some toy! Why would I even consider letting someone modify it for me?”
“That's very considerate of you”, he murmured, confused by his disappointment.
You scoffed, “It's the bare minimum. Not that the modification would've ever done anything to begin with.”
His confusion only deepened. “What do you mean?”
“C'mon now, you won't even let me hold your hand on that side. You would never use it for something like that.”
It took all his willpower not to look at his metal hand for some type of confirmation, and instead he put both hands back in his jacket pockets. Which was still enough evidence for you.
He felt like an absolute idiot. Not only had he brought up such a disturbing subject, he'd also also manged to link it to the only good thing in his life – which was the intimacy with you.
“Don't worry so much. I know it's not easy, I'm not trying to pressure you or anything”, you hummed, brushing your palm over his forearm and then immediately walking past him to leave the greenhouse. “I'll go and wash this dirt off. See you later for dinner.”
He watched you hurry down the staircase; the shift within letting him feel numb.
Had you actually noticed any unease in his behavior with the metal arm at all? At least you'd never voiced any concerns in that regard... and he wasn't scared of you touching it, obviously.
It was the other way around.
His mind spiraled straight down into his past, finding evidence after evidence of why he was right to feel this way.
The peace between you and him was already broken by his careless probing about your family – how much worse would it get if he'd start this on top of it?
The questions followed him the entire rest of the evening, blowing out of proportion just like all his other worries.
Sure, a good portion of his arm was usually hidden by a t-shirt or a longer sleeve. He preferred to wear something, that would cover at least his shoulder entirely. Better yet something that would go down to his wrists, if the weather allowed it.
But now, during dinner, his gaze was constantly drifting back to his hand as if to check if it was still the same as one second ago.
He couldn't get it out of his mind; after the incident on the roof, he was so painfully aware of it that it was driving him mad.
He couldn't even meet your eyes over the table whenever you searched for him. Your sweet smile and sparkling eyes didn't have the usual effect on him either, if he noticed them. None of it helped to calm the growing chaos in his head. Okay, it was getting bad fast.
But at least Steve was making up for his lack of interactions by keeping you in a conversation for most of the meal. Just like the rest of the team.
“I'm just sayin'”, Natasha piped up in the middle of their discussion, which Bucky hadn't been paying attention to at all, “I'd be scared of diabetes if I were you. You're enjoying her pampering a bit too much.”
“Now that's a bit harsh, don't you think?”, Sam squinted at her, “I'm healthy as a horse, ask the charts in the med bay!”
“Not if she keeps this up”, Natasha peered at you, grinning widely, “If it ain't her plan to make us all 20 pounds heavier by the end of the month, then I don't know what she's up to.”
“Me?”, you put a hand to your chest, appalled, “I would never.”
“Aha”, Tony pointed one of his utensil at you, “See, she's being sarcastic, it was her evil plan all along.”
“Evil”, you muttered under your breath, “As if a few more pounds would be a curse for anyone here. Did you guys ever look into a mirror? The total body-fat percentage of this entire room is probably all coming from me, if anything.”
Natasha shut her mouth and swallowed, horrified by the effect of her words.
“Oh my god, don't look so devastated”, you groaned, “It's an advantage. Have you forgotten that it's my way of storing power? It's all energy, simple biology.”
“That's true”, Tony nodded along. “Basically, the more there is of you, the better? Gotta write that in your file; SHIELD needs to know.”
You snorted. “For what?”
“Science”, Bruce said, “Your condition is still an exception, so the more knowledge, the better. Same principle.”
You gave him a playful roll of your eyes.
Bucky was silently observing your reactions to the others – all the smiles and the laughter, still as natural as ever. Nothing about you emitted any type of insecurity, yet he was searching for a change.
It was clearly very different to your first months here, when you'd still constantly been questioning yourself. Now you were truly and unapologetically confident.
It was him, who was too conscious about himself.
He was openly carrying all these scars and traces of his rough life and you...you were so delicate and soft and beautiful. It almost felt like he was sullying you just by the mere imagination of coming too close, let alone touching you.
The thought got right in line with the stupid thing about his metal arm. Fucking great.
He was standing to the side of the counter, contemplating if he should pass on another cup of coffee to try and actually get some sleep in the night or not when your chirping voice let him whirl around, mug still in his hand.
“Huh? Sorry, I think I missed that”, he stuttered as you tilted your head expectantly.
“I asked if you want to join me for my training session tonight, or...” Was he seeing things? Were you nervous? “Or maybe you wanna do something else? I have nothing else planned yet.”
“Uh, sure”, he said, before even giving it a thorough thought.
Your face lit up. “Perfect!”
Oh no, what had he done?
This would make everything even worse. The sight of you in your workout clothes and him-
He would have to use his arm, if you would ask him to spar tonight.
This was becoming a literal problem.
“Then let's meet in the gym, I'm just gonna get changed real quick” All his efforts to possibly weasel his way out of this dissolved into thin air with your smile. Especially when he saw the way you skipped off, like he'd just promised to take you to the damn candy store or something.
Well he definitely wouldn't need another coffee then. His mind was far to heightened anyway.
✰ ❀ ✰
You had to make a double take as Bucky came down to the gym in a full tracksuit, consisting of sweatshirt and long pants, instead of his usual tight shirts.
“You cold?”
He shrugged, offering no real justification for his appearance and obviously had no need to search for one either.
Your plan to see him sweaty and hot was just rained out, I guess
But you didn't miss the way that his eyes wandered down over your body for a second too long, taking in your clothes too. Or rather, the lack thereof, since you had decided to show up in only a sports bra this time.
'We'll see about that'
You had to get him somewhere tonight, otherwise you would probably just combust in your want for him. And how was he the one trying to deceive you with decency now, when he'd usually been the one to dig his hands through your clothes, to get a feel of you? Simply unfair of him to turn up here fully covered while you'd held off on even wearing a shirt.
This way you felt even more exposed.
And thrilled.
Bucky was a good kisser. You'd known that before, but after he'd come forth with all his feelings, he'd definitely proven it countless times.
And he was good at flirting too, if he wanted it. Which wasn't often, to your dismay.
He was still this quiet, pensive guy who'd stare into nothing and frown for 'no apparent' reason – with the addition of a soft spot for you. No really.
It was the only explanation for all his questionable behavior in the past too.
Yes, he was silent and he was short of words most of the time, but his tone was always so gentle, when he answered you or gave into your requests. He was quick to follow whatever you wanted or needed, no matter how minor. And he'd never made you feel like you were too much for any of it, even if you were growing more clingy with each passing day after new years.
He was incredible, nothing less. So what, if you were mostly the one talking? He seemed to like listening better anyway.
Only problem was your impatience.
You were impatient and needy and – and horny. And what else would you be, when the vision of him on top of you was haunting your waking and sleeping thoughts on the daily?
Making out was nice, of course it was, but if one of you would step down from the other's advances one more time, then you would literally explode.
And it was also embarrassing to no end, that you were still fantasizing about him and imagining him in all these lewd scenarios like some adolescent teenager getting a serious crush for the first time.
You had never been this engrossed in someone outside of reality before, other than maybe this one celebrity, whose posters used to be plastered all over your walls back in your parents home.
Tonight you'd get him to drop his pants, one way or another.
“Quick warm-up first?”, you asked as he followed you across the room, “Or do you wanna get right into it?”
His jaw tensed for a moment and his eyes scanned the room for a distraction. “Sure, if you want to warm up, that's fine.”
Bucky was mostly pretending, to be following your stretching routine, but at least he was watching you at all. Thankfully, you caught the short flick of his tongue as you squatted down for the final round of exercise.
“You don't usually do that”, he mumbled, sitting down somewhere across from you, always a bit too far. “Why today?”
You hummed, spreading your knees apart, “Gotta stay flexible. My focus was on building muscle for a while now, but I can't loose my advantage. Natasha taught me some of these and she's more than fit, don't you think?”
It was mostly the truth. Nat had taught you some gymnastics, but what you were doing here had nothing on the stuff she'd done; it wasn't just for seductive purposes either.
“Flexible, huh?”, he muttered under his breath, “I see...”
You acted like you hadn't heard him and simply got into position, leaning down between your spread knees, so that your upper body was flat against the mat, ass up in the air. And instead of stopping there, you began to slightly rock your hips and arched your back so far, that it actually started to strain your muscles. Good. That way it served your made up cause.
There was a frustrated exhale somewhere close to you, but when you raised your body from the floor, he was still in the same spot, face tense with no other signs of reaction.
Damn, he was really holding strong...
Or maybe you're not as alluring as you'd hoped
You dared a short glance into the floor to ceiling mirror somewhere on a far wall and quickly corrected the Khalia's thoughts. No, you looked more than hot right now, that couldn't be it.
“Feelin' warm yet?”, you smiled, standing up to extend your hand out to him. “Or do you need a little more-”
He ignored your hand and got up too, rolling his neck out before he moved to another part of the wide mat. “Okay, come on, you're ready.”
A feeling of rejection was creeping up on you as he got into position.
Fine then...maybe he really wasn't in the mood. Although you could hardly believe that he didn't want you after he'd been so incredibly touchy these last days. And on the rooftop too.
Or maybe Bucky wasn't as keen on sex itself as you were... Given his constant discomfort, that should've probably crossed your mind a bit sooner.
The thought let all your excitement freeze into guilt.
“Alright, let's just get started.”
Something was definitely up with him. His concentration was awful and his footwork even worse.
You'd hardly ever seen Bucky stumble during friendly combat; had never really seen him trip or miss like this.
It was distracting you enough to worry about it, that you also started to loose your concentration. You made a mistake, just a single step into the wrong direction and when Bucky's forearm met your side – which you normally could've easily dodged – you lost your balance and barely rolled your fall out.
His eyes widened, when you steadied yourself against the ground, still out of breath and perplex about your mistake.
“Shit, you okay?”, he came over within a fragment of a second, bending down to check on you with a frantic look on his face, “Did I hurt you?”
What a stupid question.
Since he was as lost as you in his routine and stance, you had no trouble to slide your leg between his and let him drop right next to you.
He cursed in surprise, realizing too late that you were using this chance to take the upper hand, no matter if it was fair or not. You caught the one sided block of his arm and swung your legs over him, straddling his chest, to pin both his arms to the ground.
“Yeah, I'm okay”, you huffed, lungs heaving to catch your breath, “Thanks for your help though, baby.”
His head fell back onto the mat with a short, slightly surprised smile and he watched you with raised eyebrows, “Not an official win, just for the record.”
“Not a win in the books, but I'll never forget that I took you down.”
He grinned, “That's true. Good job.”
You wanted to return his smirk, but the circumstances still ruined this win for you in the end.
“You let it happen, didn't you?”
His brows furrowed, “What? No, I didn't go easy on y-”
You sighed, shuffling back to give his arms free, “You still weren't attentive. Doesn't count.”
A warm palm rested on your thigh and you caught his metal hand lowering back to his side, as if he'd decided against touching your other leg, “I'm saying it counts.”
“What's wrong with you?” The question shot out before you could stop it.
His smile faltered, “A lot of things, I'd guess.”
“No you're weird, like...right now. Tonight. Something's off and I don't know what.”
Something heavy crossed his face, but he quickly let it rest again, “Not sure what you mean.”
“Ugh”, you got off, ignoring the way his hand tried to hold you down for a short second and walked over to your locker, “I'm not an idiot, I thought we've been over this stupid secrecy.”
You collected your stuff and quickly checked your phone for the time, “Whatever...if you wanna keep it to yourself, fine. I won't nag you.”
Oh, someone's getting bitchy. Passive-aggressive kinda suits you
You weren't passive-aggressive.
“I'm not-”
You cut his next attempt to find some excuse off with a wave of your hand and left the room, emotionally charged.
Okay, maybe you were bitchy. Maybe you were sexually and romantically frustrated and gave too much on his promise, to not let you down again.
This wasn't even a big deal, your damn mind was just blowing it out of proportion, before you could give it a deeper thought.
Bucky slipped into the elevator just before the doors closed, “I'm not keeping any secrets.”
It was a statement on it's own. Like that would fix the situation.
“Okay”, you said.
He was waiting for another sentence; another retort maybe or a continuation, but you were seriously fed up with it.
If he wanted this, then who were you to make him talk.
So mature
The door opened back up and you shoved past him, noticing Steve and Nat sitting in the lounge all by themselves.
They gave you both a weird look, when you basically ran from Bucky, who was hurrying after you, the entire way to your room.
Tony had changed the lock already, but you wouldn't test your luck again, when he was already right behind you.
“Is that all you're gonna say?”, he asked, clearly bothered by your silence.
“What – am I supposed to beg you for some answer again? You do this all the time and I'm tired of coaxing every word out of you!”, you whirled around, throwing your stuff onto the bed.
“If you don't wanna tell me, then so be it. I won't force you to work on this-”, you gestured around with your hands, “Whatever this is between us. If you don't care, then-”
“I care”, he bit out, “I care, okay? I'm just not used to this...relying on someone for comfort or sharing what I think and feel so willfully. It's hard.”
“Yeah, I know it's hard, Bucky, I already told you”, you shook your head, “But you need to start meeting me halfway, if I have to rake all my trust in you back every time you pull away. I'm not forcing you, to tell me everything on your mind, but stop lying to my face, when I know there's something going on!”
The words hit right where they were meant to strike and he physically recoiled from it.
He swallowed, eyes turning so sad, that you wanted to take it all back.
“Yeah”, he said, “You deserve better...”
Instead of raising your hopes, his answer had only swallowed the very last bit of your positive reinforcement. Because you could see the resignation settle through his hooded eyes. Less bright; so tired.
“Bucky-”
“I think I should go...I'll see you tomorrow.”
He was out before you'd even mustered up a sentence to keep him from leaving.
And you slowly but surely understood the pattern in his behavior. Of course you'd seen him close off or accept the worst, before even contesting it. He was fast, to deem himself the bad guy in every damn situation.
And it closed every way and road to a clear conversation, when he believed to have already failed from the beginning.
You stared at the door in silence, sincerely waiting for him to decide against fleeing from the conflict again, to no avail. He didn't return.
Thinking about domestic!Bucky coming home after a long day. Shoes and jacket shed as soon as he crosses the threshold, gloves hastily stuffed in his pockets. Bare feet grounding him as he pads his way to the kitchen.
He finds you there waiting for him. Leaning against the counter. All soft and gorgeous, offering him space that he rarely ever takes.
"There's my girl."
Three simple words that have you melting and meeting him halfway. Greeting him with open arms and a smile that could power the city.
"Missed you," you mumble against his shirt, arms banding around him as if he might float away.
"Yeah?" Hope disguised as a tease. "Bet you spent the most of the day getting lost in your book."
A beat as you breathe him in. Soap and leather and gun oil.
"Both things can be true," you remind him with a soft peck to the corner of his upturned mouth. His lips chase yours for a fleeting second before you distract him again, "You showered."
Hearing the words for what they are, Bucky's hands stay relaxed, palm flush against your lower back, the other cradling your neck. There's no accusation. Just concern. Worry of a mission gone wrong.
"Mmhmm," he murmurs, nose nuzzling yours. "Mishap during training. Small fire. Sprinklers were triggered."
His warm fingers find their way underneath the hem of your shirt, seeking out the soft curve of your hip. Tracing the delicate stretch marks like he's done hundreds of times before.
Not to prove anything.
Just to feel you.
To simply exist in a world where he gets to have this. A stubborn woman who loves him. A safe place to come home to.
Endless piles of laundry to fold. And meals to prep. And leaky faucets to fix.
All the mundane things people complain about.
Not Bucky though. Even when he's elbow-deep unclogging hair from the drain. Or taking the trash out in the middle of the night because you both forgot.
He relishes it.
So when you casually mention, "the light in the closet finally went out. Took me forever to find the bulbs." it feels like a personal affront.
"Please tell me you at least used the ladder."
The sheepish smile on your face answers for you.
"Doll." His heavy head lands on your shoulder, both hands firmly gripping your hips. Fighting the urge to remind you how important you are to him. As if he doesn't already tell you several times a day.
"It was a very sturdy chair."
"You're killin' me here," he mumbles against the soft cotton of your shirt. "Would'a done it when I got home."
"I'm perfectly capable of changing a light bulb."
Your playful chide is met with a dramatic sigh, Bucky pulling back just enough to meet your gaze again.
"Course you are. But just 'cause you can do somethin', doesn't mean you have to."
Both hands slide underneath the back of your shirt, flesh and metal mapping warm skin, leaving goosebumps in their wake.
"Love takin' care of you, sweetheart." His nose gently bumps yours again, breath fanning across your lips. "Love takin' care of our home. So, unless changin' lightbulbs really means that much to you, let me handle that kinda stuff, okay?"
"I guess I can give up changing lightbulbs," you tease, nails scratching lazy patterns across his back. "Might even let you do all the dishes if you're lucky."
Bucky laughs against your lips, kissing you properly, swallowing the groan threatening to surface. "Woman of my dreams, I swear."
"You're ridiculous."
Another giggly kiss that has him grinning.
"Ridiculously in love with you."
(banners by @cafekitsune)
I have no idea where this came from, but it was fun to write!
Your infatuation with one firefighter brings you to the station every day. That is, until you hear him call you a handful.
▸ PAIRING & WC: Firefighter!Bucky Barnes x F!Reader — 3K
▸ WARNINGS: Hurt/comfort, fluff, miscommunication!!!
▸ A/N: i was reading dear @heldbybarnes' delicious firefighter bucky and got hit with inspo to write this in an hour at 2am. just my good ol friends miscommunication and yearning! hope you enjoy, any comments, reblogs, and likes are appreciated <3
↤ main masterlist
You meet Bucky by accident. Setting off the fire alarm in your building when you’re reverse searing a steak that billows smoke like it’s nobody’s business until it touches your finicky little thing. The alarm blares loud, waking up the entire building judging by the way your neighbors are complaining through your walls — even the ones above you.
You’re wincing in apology as you open up your windows and your door, standing on one of your rickety dining chairs and attempting to shut the damn thing up.
That’s when he comes in.
Sharp lines, blue eyes that could cut you like a diamond. Shoulders that could probably body you to the ground — and you’d thank him for it. “Are you alright, ma’am?” Oh, and that goes straight between your legs.
You’ve never really been in love before. You’ve never even really dated. Your college life was spent with tearstains on your textbooks and essay papers until each piece of work contained a fat, red ‘A’ and added up to your perfect GPA. Countless hours networking with people to wriggle yourself into your dream job and now those hours are wasted behind a desk with a career that gives you carpal tunnel.
Point is — when you set your mind on something, you obsess over it until you achieve it.
Your current target? One Sergeant Bucky Barnes from FDNY Engine 205.
From the moment he stepped in and delivered that question, to the second he looked into your eyes and grinned, those sapphire eyes twinkling as he said — “That dinner looks delicious, what I’d kill for a homecooked meal,” you knew you were done for.
Ask and you shall receive.
Now, on your work breaks, you find yourself stopping by with a platter of something new you’ve whipped up. Whether it’s a hearty protein-topped salad or a smoked barbecue selection or an array of sweet treats, you bring it as an offering to the local station.
Every. Single. Day.
The first day, one guy looks at you reluctantly at your foil-covered container and you had to stand there in shame as he told you that they couldn’t accept it due to health and safety concerns.
Your cheeks were hot as you held the tray closer to your chest, ready to hightail out of there before you can embarrass yourself further, when that familiar voice came.
“Steak alarm.”
Your gaze lifted to find Bucky standing there. He’s wiping his hands on a dirty dishrag, tight shirt clinging onto his body with the sweat and… general fit of the fabric, as he made his way towards you.
He lifted the foil and his gaze widened. It felt like you were taking a nosedive straight off a cliff into the Pacific — and you enjoyed every second of it.
“Now that’s a meal.”
Then he was summoning the rest of the station to take a gander at what you’ve prepared and suddenly they’re all picking away at it and thanking you for the first proper meal they’ve had in days.
And when Bucky once again flashed you that charming smile, one that would probably set off all the alarms in this station, it was over for you.
You should be embarrassed with being so obvious — some of the other firefighters have caught on to your teensy crush. Natasha, who’s probably the most badass person you’ve ever met, shoots you lopsided smiles every time you stare at Bucky. Sam and Steve are a little less subtle as they make comments like “your wife’s here, Barnes!” and you have to flail and panic until Bucky damns them with warning glares.
It’s not as if you talk to him. They’re much too busy for that. One of those days, you walk in and they’re actually gearing up to leave. Bucky had apologized profusely before he hopped in the truck and was on his way.
Instead, you yearn silently. You tell yourself it’s enough that you can see Bucky smile every day, that you can watch him devour whatever new thing you’ve made.
But the more you see him, the greedier you get.
When he does have time, he talks you through the mechanics of his job or describes the truck in great detail — until Sam yells at him, “Nobody wants to hear about your damn truck, Buck!” Then he’s flushing and saying sorry for boring you. You tell him in honesty that he could never bore you.
Suddenly, your days seem a little brighter. Instead of the humdrum life you’ve crafted for yourself, your pulse skips every time you think of something new to make for the station. You think of them as new friends. All of them know you by name and welcome you in with no hesitation.
It feels as if you’re making strides in getting to know Bucky, in getting him to actually like you. Not necessarily in a romantic way, just as two people becoming friends.
However, as you’re approaching the station late one day (your oven was being difficult), you find that the team is already on the upper level of the base having lunch. You reach for the stairway when you hear it.
“Come on, Buck, you know she’s got a crush on you,” Sam teases. The others titter in agreement.
Heat floods your cheeks.
“Quit it, Wilson,” Bucky growls.
“What? She too much for you?” Sam presses with a chuckle.
“She’s a handful, that’s for sure,” you hear Bucky mutter.
You hear your heart hit the ground. Laughter ripples through the space but there’s a ringing in your ears and your feet are moving before you can think twice.
Handful. A handful.
All this time, you thought you were doing something nice, but you didn’t realize you were actually bothering them. The street before you blurs as tears prick your eyes. Your breaths come out shallow as you trudge all the way home, the baked goods in your hands suddenly feeling like deadweight.
It’s only when you’re in the safety of your apartment that you allow yourself to breathe. At least as much as you can. You end up clearing out that tray on your own that evening with a depressing movie on screen.
From that point, you can’t imagine coming in to face them. You can’t bear the thought of pitying looks from the team or how Bucky is probably forced to smile to welcome you. Public servants and all. The last thing you want to do is inconvenience them when they’ve got a lot on their plates.
So you stop coming. You instead bury yourself in work, taking on more responsibility to keep your mind distracted — far away from the thought of being a handful. There are some nights when that melancholy morphs into irritation, how you wish you could spite him for not telling you the truth sooner. And then you realize that it’s not on him; you chose to do this. He was simply being kind.
You had mistaken that kindness for something more.
It’s been a few days since you last came and none of them have said a thing. It’s not as if you ever traded phone numbers. At least this will be a clean slate. You can forget this fluke ever happened.
You’re trying a new chicken recipe, frowning at your box of butter, when a knock sounds on your door. Your instinct is to sniff the air, wondering if the scent has permeated through the halls and your neighbor Mr. Tilman is here to complain again.
Wiping your hands on your kitchen towel, you swing the door open to find… not Mr. Tilman.
Instead, Bucky stands at your door.
He’s still in his fire station t-shirt.
He still looks delicious.
Those eyes that you’ve grown to adore light up when they see you. He smiles softly, “Hey.”
Your throat is dry. “Uh, hi.”
He looks you up and down and you realize now your disheveled state. Hair a mess, your oversized shirt is ratty and ends at your thighs. You reach up instinctively to try and fix yourself.
“You open your door to everyone like that?” His gaze flicks to your bare legs before going back up, cheeks a little pinker.
“Um, I thought you were Mr. Tilman. He doesn’t like it when I use too many spices.”
“You open your door to Mr. Tilman like that?” Bucky cocks an eyebrow, the corners of his mouth quirked up in amusement.
You fight back a smile and shake your head. “No, not usually. I was still distracted with my cooking when you knocked. Can I help you with something?”
Bucky shifts a little nervously then and you finally notice the crinkling plastic bag in his hands. “I haven’t seen you in a while. I thought you were sick so I brought over some chicken soup. I can’t cook for the life of me so I bought it. I can promise it’s safe.”
Dammit. How are you supposed to get over this man when he does things like this?
“Oh, thank you,” you swallow thickly.
“You don’t look sick though.”
“I’m… not,” you say slowly, unsure of how to approach this situation.
Your feet shuffle closer together as you look down at them instead of him. “Yeah, it’s been busy.”
“Anything I can do to help?”
You look up and laugh awkwardly. The lie goes straight past your teeth. “No, no. Just work.”
Bucky’s eyes narrow, lips tightening. He knows. You should’ve spent the past few days learning how to fib instead of moping. “Is something wrong?”
“What? No. Why would something be wrong?”
Real smooth.
Saved by the bell, your fire alarm begins beeping aggressively. You’ve forgotten your chicken. A curse slips past your lips as you hurry back in but Bucky beats you to it. He’s switching off your stove, telling you not to touch the pan, and reaching over to toggle with the alarm.
And now the two of you are in your kitchen, standing side by side watching as the oil pops in your pan and your chicken is completely burnt to a crisp.
“Well, guess that recipe didn’t work,” you joke to break the tension.
Bucky is silent for a moment before he asks quietly, “Did I do something?”
“What?” You whip up to face him.
“Is work really the reason why you haven’t been coming around?”
Your heart slams against your ribs. “Yeah,” you choke out a laugh again, “of course.”
The smile he gives you is almost sorrowful. “You’re a terrible liar.”
Flinching, you shift your gaze away this time.
“If I did something, I want to apologize. I’d appreciate it if you told me so I can properly say sorry and so I don’t do it again.”
“No, you didn’t do anything wrong,” you shake your head, “believe me. It’s fine.”
“Then why?”
Your tongue darts out to wet your lips, teeth sinking into your bottom one. Bucky’s gaze falls briefly again to your mouth before it returns to you. “I just don’t want to be a bother.”
His eyes flicker in surprise. “Why would you be a bother?”
“You guys are obviously busy and I don’t want to intrude—”
“You don’t— you could never intrude,” Bucky interjects softly, “what would give you that idea?”
You clear your throat and shrug.
“I lo—” he stops, flushing lightly, “We love having you there. All of us. We look forward to your visits, you know. Sam won’t shut up about everything you make. We might’ve taken you for granted and I am sorry for that, but I want you to know that you could never be a bother.”
“Thank you,” you murmur softly. “I’ll, um, come by tomorrow maybe.”
“And you don’t have to bring anything all the time. You must be busy with work too. Could just swing by to chat with us. Steve also hosts weekly game nights with Nat and you’re more than welcome to join us.”
Now it’s your turn to be flustered as you wave him off. “No, no, that’s for your team.”
“People bring their plus ones too, it’s very casual.”
“Yeah, but I’m not really anyone’s plus one,” you laugh lightly.
Bucky digs his fingers into his pockets and you see that his neck and ears are stained red. His gaze shifts around the room before they fly back to you. Honest blue eyes. “You could be mine.”
Your heart skips.
“I mean, you don’t have to— I just, you know, it would be nice. Of course, you don’t have to be my plus one. You could be someone else’s — scratch that, you could be the team’s overall plus one, but I think it would be nice if you were mine…” Bucky trails off and his usually tanned skin flushes a deeper and deeper shade of scarlet.
You’re not sure how to respond to this. Just days ago, you heard him call you a handful. You thought you were too much. You don’t know what to make of this.
Is he just being kind? Maybe he feels bad that you’ve spent weeks coming around and now he wants to repay the favor.
“You know you don’t have to feel bad and invite me,” you gently say.
“I don’t—” he looks taken aback, “I’m not inviting you because I feel bad. I’m, shit, I’m inviting you because I want you there.”
“Why?”
Bucky rubs his face aggressively, groaning silently to himself. “I feel like I’m going about this the wrong way. I… really like you.” Your heart stutters again, your breath hitching in your throat. “I wanted to ask you out properly, but I wasn’t sure if that would cross any professional boundaries, given how we met. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. If I’ve misinterpreted anything you’ve done, please let me know. I just— you were coming around and the team was saying that you came around to see me — and I guess I got my hopes up.”
You’re silent, and your nonresponse makes him squirm.
Why would he— this doesn’t make any sense. You heard him loud and clear at the station, right?
“But I thought you thought I was a handful,” you whisper.
“What?” He blanches, “What would make you think that?”
“I heard you,” you admit shamefully, “last time I came around the station. I thought— I figured I was being a nuisance so I didn’t want to overstep anymore.”
The gears are turning in his mind as he seemingly retraces his steps. You see the moment he remembers. His face pales. “Oh, fuck, oh god. No, shit. No, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have—”
“It’s okay! Look, it’s totally fine. I get it. I can be intense and I don’t want to put that pressure on you.”
Bucky takes a deep breath, his eyes are kind and stern at the same time as he delivers his explanation. “I only said you’re a handful because you do so much and I don’t know if I could ever do enough to return the favor. I’ve been thinking about asking you out and I haven’t really… dated in a while — or ever for that matter — and I wanted to do it right. I wanted to do right by you. Fuck, I didn’t mean handful in that way, I swear.”
“Oh.”
“God, I’m an idiot,” Bucky moans, “I’m so sorry. Shit, you must’ve thought— I’m sorry. I never want you to think you’re a bother. You’re not. You’re the best part of my day. Every day, I look forward to coming into work knowing I was going to see you in the afternoon. I prayed so that we wouldn’t get called out during those hours.”
Your lips part.
He takes a deep breath, “That first day you didn’t come, I was worried that something happened, but the others thought I would be too much if I stopped by. Not to mention, incredibly inappropriate since I know your address from that first time. But shit, I missed you that day. I didn’t realize how much I loved seeing you every day until that first day. Then you stopped coming and I couldn’t stop worrying so Nat finally unofficially greenlit me to check on you and I came straight here. But then I thought that you were sick so I stopped by to get soup and— now I’m rambling. You didn’t ask for all that. I just need you to know that you could never be a bother to me. Never. Even if you were a handful, I can’t imagine anyone else taking care of you— I don’t want to imagine that.”
“Bucky—”
“And that makes me really selfish right? But I want to be the first person you call if anything happens. If something good or bad happens, I want you to tell me first. Because I like you so, so much. I should’ve made that clear earlier. But, again, if all this makes you uncomfortable, then tell me. I’ll leave. No hard feelings.”
“Bucky!”
“Yes,” he shuts up.
“I—” you realize now that you should’ve prepared what to say, but how are you expected to respond to that? “Thank you, um, for clarifying. I don’t even know what to say. I can confirm that I was coming around mainly to see you,” you say, embarrassment written all over your face at your confession, “you’re the best part of my day too. I should’ve just talked to you instead of jumping to conclusions.”
His face is marred by a wince as he offers you an apologetic look. “No, I understand why you did. I should’ve phrased it better.”
“Well, at least that’s cleared up,” you smile, “but I do… like you too, that is. Professional code be damned, I would’ve said yes if you asked me on a date.”
The smile he gives you is blinding and you vow then and there that you would spend the rest of your life making sure he keeps that expression on his face.
“Well, since your dinner is… unsalvagable,” Bucky begins, glancing briefly at the mess on your stove, “how about I take you out for dinner? As a date.”
is it too much to ask for a guy (or any guy atp) to be in love with your softness and your stretchmarks? anyways, your girl has a stomach and a lot of stretchmarks and thus this happened
edit: i wrote this like a month ago and it's been sitting in the drafts since. but i've been feeling a bit worse about my body (thank you period bloating), so i reread this and decided i would post it <3
You were stretched out across your shared bed, hair still damp from a shower, wearing nothing but an old sleep shirt and underwear. The AC hummed quietly. Rain tapped against the windows. The kind of lazy, safe evening that only happened once in a while at the Compound.
Bucky lay on top of you—heavy, warm, anchoring. Not crushing, just there, all solid muscle and slow breaths. His chest rose and fell against your thighs, and his cheek was pressed to your stomach, one arm wrapped lazily around your waist. His other hand rested just beneath the hem of your shirt, fingers brushing the skin just above your hip.
His hand moved idly, palm dragging slow arcs across your belly, fingertips tracing the faint lines near your navel—the stretch marks you always tried to ignore in the mirror.
“You okay down there?” you asked, voice low and amused, running your fingers through his hair.
“Mhm.” He nosed at your shirt. “Comfy.”
You laughed quietly. “You’re like a weighted blanket with stubble.”
“Damn right.”
He fell quiet again, lips brushing against your skin. Then his fingers moved again—back to those little marks on your belly. Slow, lazy circles. Almost reverent.
You stiffened slightly.
“Don’t,” he said without lifting his head. “Don’t get weird on me.”
You blinked. “I wasn’t—”
“You were,” he mumbled. “You always go quiet when I touch ‘em.”
Your heart thudded.
“I just… I know they’re not—”
“Perfect?” he interrupted, lifting his head just enough to look up at you, brow furrowed. “They are perfect.”
You swallowed, cheeks hot.
He rose up slightly, bracing on his elbows now, still nestled between your legs, still tracing those lines like a map only he knew how to read.
“You know what I see?” he murmured. “Skin that stretched and grew and lived. I see softness that I get to fall asleep on every night. I see a body that holds me when I have nightmares. That lets me touch it. Love it.” His metal hand ghosted up to cup your face. “Don’t you ever talk about these like they’re a flaw.”
You bit your lip, blinking fast. “Bucky…”
He kissed your stomach. Then again. Lower, slower. “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever touched.”
You didn’t reply.
Just pulled him up to kiss you, slow and deep and quiet. Like a thank-you. Like a promise.
He kissed you slow, unhurried, like he had nowhere else to be in the world but here—pressed against you, warm and steady, with your lips under his and your hands tangled in his hair.
When he pulled back, his expression was softer than you’d ever seen it. His eyes were half-lidded, lashes brushing the tops of his cheeks, mouth still parted like he wanted one more kiss, just to make sure it was real.
He rested his head back on your stomach, sighing like he’d just set down the weight of the world.
You ran your fingers through his hair again, slow and soothing, until you felt the tension leave his shoulders. His hand stayed under your shirt, palm splayed across your ribs, thumb brushing lazily over the edge of your waist like he was memorizing the shape of you.
“I could sleep right here,” he murmured, voice low and warm. “Don’t even care if the rest of the team knocks the door down.”
“They better not,” you whispered, smirking. “I locked it.”
“Smart girl.” He shifted slightly, settling more of his weight onto you like a massive, affectionate housecat. “That’s why I keep you around.”
“Mmhm,” you mumbled, thumb brushing over his temple. “Not because I let you steal the good pillows?”
He grinned sleepily, eyes already slipping shut. “That too.”
The rain picked up outside—steady and soft. The whole compound seemed to exhale with you, settling into quiet.
Bucky’s breath evened out first.
Still curled against you, still holding you like you were something precious. He always slept deeper when he had a hand on you. Like he needed to feel you breathing to believe you were still here.
You blinked slowly at the ceiling, fingers still playing with his hair, until the heaviness in your limbs started to win. You let your hand rest on his shoulder, warm and solid beneath your palm.
Then your eyes drifted shut.
And the two of you fell asleep like that—wrapped in each other, safe, still, whole.
writers, you can and should be proud of your fic even if you personally are not satisfied with it. because even if you think it's "not good", you can be proud of the fact that you wrote it and it's something you created. you can be proud of the fact it's not ai.
repeat after me, it's something you put your soul and dedication in — and that's something ai could never achieve.
chapter summary/ tags/warnings: the 'morning' after, Tony's being a d!ck, forced confession, angst
Series Masterlist <- !general tags will be found here!
Authors Note: I remember that my first version of the second new years chapter included it all - the smut, the drama and the confession after leaving the tower. I managed to double the word count for one single chapter just because...
Chapter 21
It was a strange feeling to wake up to.
Nothing dramatic nor terrifying. Just quiet and warmth. No racing thoughts, no heat in your stomach, from neither anger nor lust.
It was so silent, that you were doubting to be alive for a second, until you felt a shift behind you.
Strong arms that were cradling you to a broad chest. Even warmer than whatever your heart was currently experiencing.
Right.
Bucky.
Your slow working mind was still stumbling through explanations and memories for the night before, while the man behind you was casually burying his face into your hair.
With a soft hum you turned in his arms to find him wide awake.
“Hey”, you whispered, fearing to break the moment apart with too much sound.
His eyes were trained on your lips, when you tried to wet them with your tongue and his mouth parted slightly.
“Slept well?”, he asked.
A grin broke out on your face and you had to bite your tongue, to stop the sudden surge of joy over him actually being here. It was not a dream.
He was here with you. In your fucking bed, in your room and by your side...was that enough to freak out? Were you finally allowed to loose your mind now? This was definitely not as casual as you'd been telling yourself before this night.
You nodded, still smiling and asked: “What about you.”
He hesitated for a moment, “Yeah, good...”
The sweetness of reality was too overwhelming to catch onto his tone or the shift in his eyes, when he pulled you closer under the sheets.
It was as if the bed itself was a zone of pure safety and wonder, with the faint rays filtering through the blinds and grazing the end of the mattress, as if even the sunlight wasn't allowed to touch this moment.
The heat of his body and this new calm of his eyes were doing something to your insides you'd never expected to feel so soon after waking up. Ever.
“I hope I didn't snore too loud”, you mumbled.
He smiled, “Don't worry, you snored like an angel.”
“Whatever that's supposed to mean.”
A chuckle vibrated through his chest and raised goosebumps on your toasty skin.
You snuggled a tad closer, tucking your nose right against his neck and closed your eyes, hoping that time would stay still for a while. Just for a bit longer.
You weren't ready to face it fully; weren't ready to talk about any of the stuff from last night or the truth you'd seen in his eyes, when he'd been so exceptionally vulnerable.
Not even someone as guarded as Bucky was able to hide his feelings during something as intimate as sex apparently. The thought sent a shock through your system, that turned your stomach upside down and let your heart rate spike.
You had hoped he would enjoy it, sure, but seeing him actually fall into ecstasy like that and let the structure of his mind fall, to reveal how much he really liked it- liked you...that was nothing you could truly comprehend. Not even now, with your head less clouded and thoughts actually sorted to make any sense.
It was scary, how real this was becoming.
“I don't even wanna get up”, you said, slightly muffled with your mouth right against his throat.
You felt the shiver that ran through him in the way he stiffened and swallowed.
“Me neither”, he quietly admitted, “But I bet it's gonna raise some questions, if we're the only ones going missing for the day...”
That thought actually pulled you back down to earth and snuffed the blaze in your middle within a second.
Oh god...if anyone else would find out what you both had done...
You parted from him, swiftly wiggling out of the embrace to sit up. The room was suddenly feeling a lot colder and weirdly gray, as you thought of the team's stupid jokes and their inconsiderate words, to ruin the bit of connection you'd formed.
They would tear down whatever security Bucky was feeling with you in no time, that much you knew.
You were still gnawing on the inside of your cheek – deeply concerned about the Avengers fucking this all up for you both – as Bucky sneaked in to lean himself against your back. His arms were right around your middle, as if he too, believed they belonged there.
“You okay?”, he whispered, leisurely kissing the exposed part of your shoulder, where the over-sized shirt had slipped down, “You don't regret anything, do you?”
The question was careful, but the anxious tone was easy to discern from the tenderness of his kisses.
“No”, you answered, turning your head, to show how confident you were with your decision, “I could never regret it...”
He hadn't expected the instant reassurance and the surprise was clear in his expression.
You sat onto your knees and shuffled closer, taking his face into your hands, “I don't regret a single thing that happened tonight, I promise.”
His eyes were nervously shifting to scan your face, as if he still wasn't entirely convinced. But the tension was slowly leaving his jaw, which you were still gently caressing with your pinkie and ring finger. The stubble was definitely stronger now, even after just a single night.
Maybe this worry was just stupid.
And he was worth the risk of getting humiliated by your team.
A smile tugged at the corner of his lips as let his hands drift over your sides.
Oh yes, he was so worth it.
“If anyone asks, you just came for some stuff about a training session.”, you mused, when you searched through your wardrobe, “Or maybe just ignore them...no, they're only gonna get more nosy that way. You're good at letting people back off, you could definitely make them stop questioning, what-”
You stopped your rambling, when you glanced back to the bed, where Bucky was now sitting at the edge, dressed in his clothes from the night before and hands clasped together with his elbows leaned onto his knees. Deeply engrossed in the sight of your ass nearly peeking out underneath the t-shirt.
His eyes snapped up to your face, when you straightened out and he-
He blushed.
“Yeah, sure...”, he mumbled, grimacing like he was caught doing something forbidden.
“Did you even hear what I said?”, you smirked, pulling the clothes you'd picked for now out of the wardrobe, “Or were you distracted by something else perchance?”
Bucky let his eyes wander through the room, “No, I heard you.”
“Good”, you hummed, “Then I'll go take a shower now and you can go and pretend like nothing ever happened.”
With that you slipped through the door of your bathroom, shutting it behind you, to steady yourself on the counter of your sink.
Oh fuck, your legs were shaking from literally nothing. Just the thought of him feeling any type of desire for you was so incredibly crazy. But now you couldn't unsee it.
That same heated gaze from the party, when you'd danced with Steve; when you'd hoped to show him, what other benefits you had to offer instead of any romantic option.
You had been right, to think that physical would be easier apparently...at least to start things off. The rest had followed naturally.
You didn't actually wanted to think about where this would lead now. Just the short reminder of him possibly closing it all off and going back to acting like you don't even exits made your insides twist.
The click of the door outside of the bathroom let you snap out of it and you took a deep breath, staring at the reflection in the mirror.
Smudges of make-up; a bit of glitter left on parts of your skin and the absolute mess of your hair.
And he'd still looked at you like you were something sacred...appreciative and softer than ever before.
Is this a good time to tell you, that he's looked at you like that a lot before?
You nearly jumped out of your skin, when the whisper of the Khalia jolted through your mind.
“Oh, right. Forgot you know everything about everyone.”, you grumbled, “Bet you'd say the opposite, if he'd declined my advances last night.”
No. I would've simply invaded his head, to make him come to his senses. Like I did with you. You're both so insanely complicated
“Gross.”
How rude. You should thank me
You did not and ignored their nagging to start the shower.
It was only when you were dry and clothed again, that you looked at your phone. The time let your eyes widen. Damn, you'd slept that long? Holy shit.
You're generally sleeping a lot longer, when you got a cuddle-buddy instead of just those sad pillows by your side
“I'm not that lonely.”
Yes, you are
There was also a message from Natasha, that you hadn't seen yet. From only ten minutes ago.
'Tony's up to something'
What the hell was that supposed to tell you?
Wasn't he always up to something?
'He made Barnes stay with us in the kitchen, you should come and help him'
Okay, that did sound like a problem.
Unbeknownst to the absolute shit show that was waiting for you, you made your way down the hallway, to hopefully give Bucky a chance to get away from Tony ans find something quick and easy to eat.
Instead, you found the entire team – including Clint and even Bruce – discussing something unimportant or just lingering around. Only vision and Wanda were missing.
Your senses sharpened, when Tony's eyes found you within seconds. The glint in them was nothing you wanted to find out about.
“Our rookie's finally making an appearance. Took you long enough, Solros, really.”
You stilled in your step, when you saw Bucky standing in a corner by the counter, right beside Natasha; his expression was unreadable, but his eyes were screaming for an escape. Okay, it was worse than you'd thought.
You were about to say something, when Tony started again.
“A hangover can have some pretty harsh consequences, so I'm not blaming you.”, he uncrossed his arms and walked around Dr. Banner, who was following his movements with a strained look, that was telling you exactly two things-
First: Tony was definitely up to something. And second: He was out for you.
“Yeah, haven't been this drunk in a while...”, you mumbled and tried to think of some way to get out of this, before anything worse could happen.
Was this maybe about your win from the night before? Was he being petty?
“Oh”, Tony perked up, “That explains a lot.”
“Tony.”, Steve's tone was warning, but he was also eyeing you for a moment too long.
“We've all gone off the rails last night”, Sam chuckled, taking something from the middle of the dining table, that looked like leftover appetizers, “But I bet that your little friend had his hand over you, with the amount of whiskey you chugged. No person could've been standing after all that.”
You gave him a nervous giggle and looked back to the hallway. Should you just run for it? But then you'd leave Bucky to the wolves...
Was there a reason that almost the entire team was together like this? It was really weird.
“Right.”, Tony hummed, “As I already told sergeant Barnes, last night was very much enlightening to some of us. Can't believe he never told us about his hate for fireworks – I would've made the entire building soundproof for him then.”
Your gaze found back to Bucky who was seemingly very uncomfortable.
Oh god.
Oh god, indeed, the Khalia wasn't laughing at your panic for once. Their genuine concern made this all so much more threatening.
“Good thing that you kept him company around midnight. And good thing, that I checked the footage this morning, to make sure no one stole any of my shit, otherwise I would've never discovered this”, he continued and Steve got up from his place by the counter, to try and stop Tony from talking.
“This is not something to discuss in front of everyone, Stark.”, his voice was Stern and it reminded you of a side of Steve, that you hadn't seen in a good while. The gentleness gave into an actual scowl, as if he knew exactly where this was going.
“Is there something I'm not getting?”, Clint asked, lounging on a chair and drumming his fingers on the table, “I thought you had something to announce, why's this suddenly about fireworks?”
“I also think this is a subject unfit for this setting.”, Bruce said carefully, exchanging a worried look with Natasha.
She stood like a last shield between Bucky and the rest of the team.
“But it's part of the announcement.”, Tony smiled brightly, “It's the reason for this after all. I can't just hide, that our rookie and our broody sergeant found such an easy cure for PTSD. It's a groundbreaking discovery.”
He walked over to the table and tapped it, to which a screen popped open before him, that let pretty much everyone in the room perk up.
You didn't even know the dining table was able to do that.
And neither did some of the others apparently.
“Why do we even have a conference room, if you're able to do this here?”, Sam gestured towards the screen.
“Oh please, this entire building is fit to my standards. What do you think I'm doing here all the time? I wouldn't just hang out with you people for no reason.”, Tony rolled his eyes.
You were only halfway listening to their words, since you'd quickly recognized the picture that was shown on this screen.
It was you and Bucky up on that second floor in the tower. Just moments before your-
“This is ridiculous”, Steve huffed and attempted to get Tony out of reach from the table, as if that could've changed anything, “What are you trying to achieve here?”
“Education. Friday, please play the video for us, would you be so kind?”
Your eyes widened and your heart gave out, when the voice answered with a polite 'yes' and started the recording.
This couldn't be happening.
All that was keeping your soul contained in your body, was the fact that it was without any sound, since it was apparently just actual security footage or something, but the room was falling silent with it's start.
Clint was the first to react, when your kiss with Bucky was played back to the entire team. “That easy, huh? That really is educational.”
Steve's face went pale as he stared at the screen.
You wanted to throw up, seriously. This was so much worse, than anything you'd pictured them doing.
“This is actually a low for you, Stark.”, Sam muttered, his eyes wandering to Bucky, whose gaze darkened infinitely with this reveal.
“But why? Can't I be proud of this turn of events? Our rookie has really outdone herself or not? Overcome all her hardships and moved on from the past, to embrace-”
“Tony!”, Bruce walked over, to deactivate the humiliating video and shook his head in disbelief, “This is a number too big, even for you.”
“Is it real?”, Steve turned to Bucky, who was very slowly waking up from his state of incredulity, “Is that what you did up there?”
Natasha and Sam were starting to look really concerned by now and even Tony seemed to get a hint of the seriousness of the situation, when he caught your petrified look.
Just for a second – for the tiniest fragment of a moment – did you consider, that it hadn't been his intention, to blow this so far out of proportion; that he might've actually deemed it funny or something worth the announcement. But something vile was burning on your tongue, when you thought of it being the end to this beautiful thing between you and Bucky.
If Tony had ruined it all for you, then you would never forgive him.
Never.
“It wasn't like that”, Bucky said weakly, licking his lips; almost scared as he made a step towards Steve.
The words hit you somewhere deep, before you even gathered what he was trying to say.
Natasha quietly hissed his name, as if to stop his next sentence, but the panic that was flickering through Bucky's expression was an obvious sign, that he wasn't going to listen.
“It's really not what you think, it doesn't mean anything.”
The world stopped turning. The hot anger over Tony's tasteless humor was slipping your body and was replaced by pure ice.
Didn't... mean anything? Was he serious?
Natasha searched for you from across the room, the exact moment that all your energy left your body. She frantically shook her head, as if to say: No, he's not being serious.
But for you it was too late to think any further.
The smallest rest joy within you crumbled to pieces, as all your convincing and assumptions turned into something vain. Something so useless against the truth before you.
Not the truth of his eyes in the night and the truth in his actions the morning after.
Your brain wasn't letting that truth in anymore. It shut every sane thought out as the hurt washed right back up to the edge of your mind.
Tony's face fell, when he saw the tears form in your eyes.
Natasha shoved Bucky aside, to get through them all, but before anyone could even as much as react to your very – very dramatic reaction, you already turned to leave the kitchen.
The others were starting to talk over each other, mostly scolding Tony and making their own assumptions, as to whatever else it could mean.
There was the faintest hint of Steve's voice, that wouldn't quiet reach through the rushing thoughts in your head. “You can't fool me, Buck.”
It didn't matter, and it didn't make sense to you anyway.
You slammed the door shut right before Natasha could've stopped it from closing and flipped the lock. You made it close enough to the bed, before your legs gave out and you sank to the ground. With your back to the edge, you hugged your knees so tightly to your chest, that the pressure was hurting on your lungs with every breath you took. But that was easier to feel, than the actual pain of your heart destroying itself all over again, after you'd fixed it not even an entire day ago... He'd fucking done it again.
✰ ❀ ✰
“How long have you been trying to hide this from me?”, Steve bit out.
The disappointment in his eyes let Bucky's knees go weak. His mind was reeling to grasp some explanation or something to deny this all, but nothing was coming up.
“I never-”
“Stop with the fucking drama and just tell me!”, he raised his chin, concealing his real hurt and Bucky felt his heart sink to his stomach, “I thought we were...I thought we were close enough, to never keep something like this a secret between us.”
“Shit, this is getting real, huh?”, Clint muttered somewhere in the room, only to be aggressively shushed by Sam.
“I didn't think it would escalate like this”, Stark said.
“You didn't think at all, did you?”, Dr. Banner sighed.
Bucky was so overwhelmed by the situation; the anger, the fear and the absolute panic about Steve finding out this way, after he'd told himself it would be fine; that it would go well, until he'd find a way to actually tell him. But this was the the absolute worst outcome possible.
Steve was waiting for his answer; for Bucky to explain himself right this second.
And when he only stared without saying a single word, Steve scoffed in disbelief, slowly shaking his head, as he turned around.
The thought of him walking away let his stunned body find some new strength and jump into action. Sam had already made his way over, to talk Steve out of leaving and Bucky brushed past Stark and Bruce, who were still discussing if it went too far or not, as if that could change anything about it.
“Please”, the simple word let Steve turn right back to him, as if he couldn't help but react to the desperate, begging tone, “I never wanted to-”
“Never wanted me to find out, right? Well, shit, Buck, I already fucking knew. Ever since Christmas, I knew there was something going on between you two, but...”
Something shifted in Steve's expression as if it cost him just as much strength to stay angry, as it took Bucky to keep calm.
“I didn't want to believe it. That she fell for you instead...and I hated myself for hoping it wasn't true.”
Bucky shook his head, “What? You knew?”
Steve let his eyes scan over the remaining people in the kitchen, who were suddenly turning really quiet, “I suspected it. God, we've known each other for an eternity, you think that wouldn't affect my perception of you? Your changes and your behavior towards others?”
He took a heavy breath.
“But I can't actually be mad at you, just because I wanted her for myself. It's not fair, when she... I saw it last night. It was so clear...I just didn't expect you both to-”
“You better go fucking fix this right now, Barnes.”, Natasha's voice let them both whirl around, as she paced down the hallway, “I trusted you to handle this, but you're still fucking around, aren't you?”
“I'm trying, okay?”, Bucky huffed, irritated by her outburst. Only then did he think about the reason for her words and where she'd come from.
His eyes darted through the space, counting the people.
Oh fuck. Oh fuck!
“Then try harder.”, she said, tone clipped and distant, “You and Rogers will make up; you got a life's worth of friendship to hold this all together, but she?”
Natasha pointed towards the hallway, “She's got only so much trust. For us all!”
She turned towards Stark for those last words, grinding her teeth.
“So you better swing your ass over to that door and make this right, before I go and get Wanda.”
The picture of Wanda's absolutely furious glare flickered into his mind. Back on Christmas. A look, that had been screaming destruction. Even if Bucky wasn't gradually coming to the realization of the mistake he'd made, he never wanted to find out, just how deep Wanda's hate would reach, if she found out about this.
Steve also gathered your disappearance from the scene and worry overtook him, “What happened? Did she say anything?”
“She...”, Natasha contemplated her next words, “She didn't talk. Probably didn't even listen to me.”
“No...no, why?”, Bucky's heart stuttered.
Were you giving up? On him? On them? Because of Stark's stupid theatrics?
“Go”, Steve said, anguish burning in his eyes, when he convinced himself to let this all happen. Willingly. “Nat's right, we can talk later...”
Bucky was torn between following his friend, when he trudged towards the elevator or storming back to your room, but Natasha's stare and Sam's head jerking into the direction of the hallway were enough of an order. His feet were moving, before the rest of him had caught up to the decision.
With each step, the reality of the situation unfolded in his mind. His words; what you must've thought; what you must've felt in that moment.
What had he done? Had he really fucked this all up again, right after gluing all that mess he'd caused back together with your help?
He'd chipped at your trust so often, even though he'd been undeserving of it from the start. He'd used his messed up past and state of mind as an excuse over and over and had pushed you away, only for you to come back and reach for him every fucking time.
And he'd let you stand there on your own, because he chose Steve over you. Again. He'd been too much of a coward, to face his feelings in front of him. Right before the person, that he couldn't loose for anything.
But neither could he loose you.
“Y/N”, he called through the door, waiting a few seconds for a response, only to hear the faint sound of muffled crying. And it was like a punch to the gut after this wonderful night with you.
He could've continued with his pitiful ways and accepted, that you and him weren't supposed to be; that he wasn't good enough for you, but...
This damn cycle had to stop.
How often had you come back to him? How often had you decided against giving up on him, while he'd wallowed in his misery?
The mere thought of this light of yours slipping his hands and vanishing back with all your smiles and sweet words let his lungs heave. It tilted his world enough, to drive him past the guilt and further from the claws of denial coming to protect his peace.
“Open up”, his voice was rougher, than he'd anticipated, “I will break this fucking door down, if you don't open it... please.”
There was a pause as he caught the hitch of your breath.
“Just go away”, you stammered, voice giving out halfway through the sentence, “I don't wanna fucking see you.”
His heart couldn't take it.
And neither would he accept it.
Fuck it.
Stark would fix the door. This was all his fault anyway, it was the least he could do.
Without hesitation, he pushed against the spot, where he knew the lock was sitting, until the strength of his Vibranium arm let it audibly crack. The door flung open from the shier force and revealed your hunched form on the ground by the end of the bed. Your eyes shot up to him, when he took a step inside and you scrambled to your feet.
“What the fuck-”
“Let me explain”, he held his hands up in a calming manner, as if he tried to approach some scared animal.
“I don't want to hear it”, you hissed, “I had enough of you – of this damn back and forth! Get out!”
He took another step towards you, “No.”
“Leave”, you were backing up, until you cornered yourself against your desk, blinking against the newly forming tears.
He tried his best to ignore the tremble in your voice; the wet streaks and the redness of your eyes. If he gave it too much thought, he would've lost all his courage.
“Please just go”, you whimpered, face twisted in pain, “I can't look at you right now, I don't-”
Another sob broke your words and his body tingled with the urge to take you into his arms.
“I'm done running away, okay? I can't leave. I have to stay here...I have to tell you-”
Tell you. Tell you what?
Tell you how much he'd fucked up? You already knew that.
He could feel something that started to slow him, as he walked further into the room. A resistance, as if he was wading through water.
“Don't”, you whispered, “I don't care about whatever you have to say. I don't want any more of this bullshit.”
“I was scared to say it out loud”, he confessed, ignoring your weak glare and the invisible strings tying themselves around his limbs, to stop him, “I admit it, I made it hard for you to believe this, but I wanna do it right now.”
And you waited. For a short second, he could tell that you were sincerely waiting for his next words.
Then he was met by a firm barrier just before he would've reached you. His hands felt around the hardened air for a moment... this border of energy, to keep him away.
“Don't shut me out.”, he breathed, only inches from you, yet not allowed to be close.
“It wasn't nothing to me. It meant everything, alright? What I said was just more of my stupid refusal to accept this feeling.”
Your eyes found to his, still glassy and wet with more tears.
“The kiss, the night with you...I would've never done something like that with anyone...no one but you. I was only scared of not being enough. Being wrong for you.”
Surprise crossed your face. The barrier was yielding – a soft give in the solid energy, that let him pass, as if he was stepping into your very personal space.
“And that changed now?”, you asked softly, “Am I supposed to believe that? After everything? After all this running away? You were the one to shut me out first, Bucky.”
“I know. I just want to believe it. I want to hope, that I won't mess up anymore... We both know, the things I said and did can't be fixed...ever. And I can't say, if I'll always be right or wrong for you, that's just not possible. But I want to try. I wanna be the right person. Want to protect you”, his hands cupped your face, “Hold you.”
He leaned down, his forehead to yours.
“Love you...like you deserve it.”
His insides were fighting back against those words, as if a fraction of him didn't want to trust in himself, but he held on. To this part of him; this part of you, that he carried in his heart and that he wanted to accept as a piece of his own.
“Love me...?” You looked up, eyes wide. “Do you love me?”
His jaw tightened, like it was trying to hold him back from answering you.
If it hadn't been for the sincerity and the shier hope in your eyes, his body would've probably failed him once more.
“I do.”
Your shoulders slumped in defeat.
“Really?”
Were you actually going to make him say it again?
“Yes”, he pressed out, “I...love you. Fuck, it's so real, that even saying it out loud feels forbidden, okay?”
Something within you shifted; a force or some command you'd been holding on to maybe. Something like his own denial, to keep you from trusting – from believing in his words.
But that too was gone, when you slowly came closer, shaking fingers curling into the front of his shirt, “Bucky you- you can't lie about this, you have to be completely honest this time, please...I- I couldn't take this being some...pretense or-”
He froze, when you let your head fall against his chest, “I don't want to keep loving someone, that doesn't love me back – I want this to be real.”
He put his hand to the back of your head, calmly smoothing the other over your back, feeling more and more sobs rock your body like shocks.
“It's real. I promise it is.”
It was such a contrast to his own experience with emotions. You felt so openly and so much, that it nearly confused him. He on the other hand couldn't even let a single tear slip in front of anyone. His struggle was always silent, always hidden from everyone who wasn't looking too close... You and him were two sides of the same coin. Two people walking the same earth, never hoping for it to be kind nor forgiving, yet finding consolation in each other against any hope.
“I promise...”, he repeated. Mostly to himself.
To confirm this one last time. That it was real. And that he couldn't break another promise to you ever again.
chapter summary/ tags/warnings: it's finally smut time guys you made it, light description of readers curves and stretchmarks, explicit language, fingering, unprotected p in v, praise kink, size kink, creampie, aftercare, pet names(sweetheart, baby) I will keep experimenting with the names, bcuz I'm so unsure about it
Series Masterlist <- !general tags will be found here!
Authors Note: I had to split the original chapter apart and this is still 9k words long. I actually have no idea how billiard works (but who needs accuracy, amiright?)
Chapter 20: A new beginning
Your heart was going to burst into pieces. Every time you as much as looked at him, your body would shudder under waves of electricity. You could barely comprehend, what was happening with you, now that you'd taken this last step towards him; now that you'd crossed this line, you had feared to separate you forever.
Horrible. Actually horrible.
You couldn't stop smiling; wanted to throw yourself off this building, just to escape this overwhelming joy coursing through each and every cell in your body.
But then you wouldn't have been able, to catch those shy glances he gave you from across the room. If it hadn't been for the other few guests, who'd stayed behind after the real big party was over, you would have probably already thrown yourself at him or dragged him into the nearest corner, to taste more of him.
Now that there were mostly close friends and colleagues left though, it would be harder to sneak off, without getting caught. And you were too scared of one of the Avengers catching you making out or ruining the moment for you, to go through with your plans and give into your carnal longing for-
For Bucky.
You shifted on the sofa, when you caught him staring at your legs from his side of the room- leisurely licking his lips, as if he was debating to give into his appetite for some sweet treat displayed in the window of a bakery instead of your thighs.
Oh god- oh fuck!
Somewhere far in the depths of your mind, sealed into a self made cocoon, sat the Khalia and refreshed itself on your never ending thirst for this man, soaking your lascivious thoughts and feelings up as if it was an actual meal.
Didn't help, that you were so downright drunk from all that mead you'd been given throughout the night. And Tony wasn't ready to stop drinking either, so it would probably only get worse from here on out.
Bucky's last kiss was still deeply ingrained into the skin of your lips. It tingled in the soft flesh, humming with the memory of his own. And you couldn't stop your mouth watering, whenever you thought about it.
Maybe that was the reason, that you didn't protest Tony's offer, to play a round of pool, when he'd asked. Even though you'd never played anything like that before.
The rest of the leftover guests parted into two groups and to your luck, you'd landed in Steve's team. And to your misfortune, Bucky was also in that team.
“I have no idea how to play this”, you muttered towards Steve, when everyone settled around the fancy table, “You should probably not put me on at any given point in this game.”
He smiled, “We'll teach you, don't worry. Buck's also pretty good at this, so you're on the winner team.”
“Oh, we will stomp you into the ground, Rogers.”, Natasha jeered and took one of the cues, that Tony handed out, “We won't loose.”
Steve only mirrored her taunting expression and took his own cue, to start the round.
Thankfully your ignorance didn't cause your team any disadvantage, so far. But every time, that either Steve or Sam tried to show you, how to actually do anything, you felt entirely stupid. Maybe it wasn't actually that smart to also keep downing whiskey like it was juice in between your turns. Your face was all hot by now and you were swaying every now and then, until the Khalia tried to regain your balance.
Should probably go a bit slower on the alcohol, if you want to keep conscious for the rest of the night
'Just get back to your room, will ya?'
“It appears to be your turn”, Thor ripped you out of your little conversation, grinning when he realized, that you hadn't paid any attention.
“If you get this, we'll win.”, Sam told you, when he handed you the cue and your eyes widened.
“Then I shouldn't-”, you wanted to push the stick back into his hands, but he backed off with two of his thumbs up. “You got this.”
“Game's not over yet”, Tony said, when you stepped up to the table with shaking legs, “She won't hit it.”
“Which one?”, you asked, so high pitched, that you expected the question to entirely drown out under the chattering and laughing of the others.
“The black eight”, Bucky came up next to you and pointed at a specific ball on the table, “If you'll pocket that one, then we're done.”
You nodded, ignoring, how close he was standing, when you bent down. Your hands were shaking just as much as your legs now and you could feel everyone stare. This was such a nightmare honestly. Was Bucky trying to make it even worse, or why wasn't he leaving?
“Here”, he leaned even closer and re-positioned your hand on the table, to place the cue correctly, “You gotta get it in that one”, he nodded towards one of the holes and then slung one arm around you, to adjust your other hand as well.
“It's alright”, his soft, low voice was drifting through your ears, while the heat of his body was starting to carry over into you, “Just like that, nice and steady.”
If it weren't for him, you would've collapsed onto the table by now, but since one of his hands remained on your waist, to support your stance, you couldn't move a single inch.
And somehow it actually worked. Your strike put the ball in the exact pocket, that Bucky had mentioned and you heard Sam and Steve start cheering behind you, while Wanda threw a playful 'Take that!' at Tony.
Your supervisor only exchanged a glance with Rhodey, before he gave you a slow, unimpressed clap, “Good job, rookie.”
“See?”, Bucky smiled, when you turned around, “Knew you'd carry us to the win.”
“Did you now?”, you raised one eyebrow at him, accidentally letting your eyes drop to his lips, when his tongue darted out.
He noticed the glance, didn't say anything though. At least he didn't get the chance to, when Thor piped up behind you.
“I will not accept this.”, he stated, dramatically pointing at you, “She had help, it doesn't count.”
Your face dropped just as Tony's lit up.
“Right, I say we rematch!”, Natasha said, just as stern as Thor.
“Hey, she deserves this win.”, Sam stated, “You wanna take this from her, or what?”
“Yes.”, Nat, Tony and Thor simultaneously said.
“Guys, it's 3 in the morning”, Wanda groaned, “We won't play another round, forget it.”
“Then let me restore my honor. I will go against you on my own.”, Thor stood himself before you, “What do you say, mortal?”
A laugh of pure disbelief left your throat, when you stared up at him, “Am I supposed to fight you?”
“Arm wrestling.”, Rhodey grinned.
“Against him?”, you squeaked, “That's not fair!”
“I will go easy on you, small one.”
The Khalia shoved forward through it's barrier and a shiver traveled over your spine, when you felt it's excitement.
Let me take him! Oh, I will let him regret even asking for a rematch~
You thought about it for a moment, when Thor spoke up again.
“Or you can accept your failure, of course.”
His words were only raising the Khalia's determination, so without further thinking, you said, “Let's do it.”
When you and Thor got into position by a table and you muttered a quick, “You sure you wanna try this?”
The confidence you were showing, seemed to actually confuse him.
“You do know, who I am, do you?”, he asked quietly.
“I do. But that won't help you in this case, sorry.”
It was actually the one thing, that you knew, would get you another win.
The power that Thor held wasn't from this world. He was a god, there was a kind of energy coursing through his body, that was constant and simply a force on his own. Similar to Wanda's magic, he, too, had an unfailing supply of power, that you could take from, according to the Khalia.
Either one of you would quickly overpower the other, or you'd stand her until sunrise.
Only one way to find out
“This won't end well...”, you heard Bruce say to Steve and the other man hummed in agreement.
“Take her ass down!”, Natasha yelled and then added a quiet, “Sorry”, when you whirled your head around to her in shock.
How dare she.
“Alright get ready!”, Tony said and started counting down from three.
Everyone was so tense for some reason, you could feel their nervousness simmer in the surroundings, when your little feelers were latching onto Thor.
“Go!”
It was hard to push against his might at first and your arm actually dipped once, before you could calculate, how much energy you'd need, to counter his strength. But even the fact, that you held against him, let his eyes widen.
The stream of energy in your blood let heat rise under your skin and you held your breath, to concentrate on the god's power to enter your body.
You hadn't felt this full since...since that day in the hangar...
Stop overthinking and crush his hand, Y/N!
Another boost rushed through you and Thor gasped, when you slowly got the upper hand. He was doing everything in his power, to stop you, but it was his efforts, that helped you in the end. The more of his own strength he used, the more you could take from him.
With one last big push, the back of his hand touched the surface of the table and you instantly let go, to claim your win with a shout of excitement, “Oh my god, I did it!”
Wanda and Sam immediately joined into your celebration and cheered you on, when you turned around. Most of them were actually too stunned to react at first, but you didn't actually care about that at all.
“I beat Thor!”
Said god- who joined back with some of the others with a grim expression- muttered a quick, “I let her win...”
To which Rhodey and Clint gave him a nod, without saying much else.
“Can you believe it?”, you shook Steve by his arms and he laughed. “That was actually crazy.”
“So you've been holding back during our training sessions all this time?”, Bucky's voice came from behind you and your entire body stiffened, “Have I been going easy on you for no reason?”
You turned to face him, mouth dry, now that you were so close again.
“Never told you to go easy on me, did I?”, you mumbled.
His jaw twitched.
“Alright, children!”, Tony clapped into his hands, “I will end the night here, the attraction is now closed!”
Your limbs and veins felt like they were vibrating, with all that leftover energy within you...how the fuck were you supposed to end the night like this?
“Should we go home then?”, Steve asked, a hand on your back, “It's pretty late after all.”
Home.
God, that sounded heavenly after everything tonight... after you'd accepted there to be an actual future for you with these people.
"Farewell, friends, we will meet again. Now that I am back to midgard, I will come visit!" Thor hugged whoever would let him and said his goodbyes to everyone. So much for Tony's idea to keep him away from the complex.
He halted before you, giving you a once over, before he stretched his hand out, “One day I will challenge you once more, be warned.”
He grinned, when you took his hand, “Wouldn't expect anything else.”
On the way back home you were trying to avoid Bucky's gaze at first, too worked up and pumped, to dare his eye contact taking you down. And now that all the fun was over and silence was settling over you and the rest of the team, that left the tower with you, all those damn questions were coming back up.
Maybe it wasn't even the same for him, than it was for you? Everything about Christmas was still undisclosed and you were wishing you would've talked about that before you'd kissed him.
But whenever you met his eyes- either on purpose or actually on accident- your knees felt weak all over again. A part of you really wanted this all to be a dream, so that you could stop stressing yourself about all the stuff, that was still out in the open between you both... if only there was an easy way to talk about it.
Bucky and Steve both accompanied you to your room, hesitantly lingering behind you, when you opened your door and you were really contemplating, to just shut the door in their faces at first.
“Tonight was really nice,” you began, “Let's hope it's a good start into the new year.”
“Sure hope so”, Steve nodded, “We've won the game after all, should give us some luck, hopefully.”
Bucky was keeping an eye on his friend from the side at all times, as if he was only waiting for him to leave. But it was just insanely quiet in the hallway for a while.
You sighed.
“Alright, good night then.”
They both mumbled a stunned good night back, when you started to close the door, as if it was the last thing, they'd expected.
Steve's door closed shortly after and you exhaled the breath you'd held in the while, that you'd waited for them to leave.
You're a coward
You knew that.
But you also knew, that you had no actual idea, how to explain, what you truly felt for Bucky, when you'd finally gotten something so precious from him.
What if that would all be gone, the second you spoke about your-
I really- really hope, that you'll come to your senses soon. Otherwise I will loose my shit
“Well, what the hell am I supposed to do then? Tell me? Should I just risk our entire friendship and tell him, that I love him? Are you serious?”
Do you actually think, that those kisses and the glances you exchanged were just something friends do? You have to be kidding
“Stop treating me like some dumbass, I'm literally begging for your help, am I not?”
There was another jolt in your body and then your hand reached out for the handle again, “Wait, that's not what I-”
Last chance, either you will go or I'll make you
You tried to rip your hand away from the door, but it didn't budge.
Then it pressed the handle down.
“Okay, fine!”, you hissed and swung the door open on your own.
If they would play this dirty, then you wouldn't have any other choice.
You were still a bit tipsy and the fear in your system really didn't help to carry you towards the elevator. With wobbling legs and trembling hands, you pressed the button, nervously glancing around the dark lounge, as if you expected him to be sitting somewhere- as always.
But it wasn't the lounge, where you found Bucky. He stood right before you, when the elevator opened up and you both froze to the spot, when you realized.
He'd been leaning against the wall in the back, arms crossed and quickly straightened out, when he saw you.
You were staring at each other for so long, that the doors were about to close again, if you hadn't stopped them.
“I-”, you tried to speak up, but no thought formed in your mind, with his wide eyes always laying on you.
He also opened his mouth once, only to close it again.
Your feet moved forward; a warning rung through your mind, reminding you, to either follow or be forced. Bucky took the step as a sign apparently, because he also took a step forward.
And then another. And then he was right before you.
“I didn't want to leave like that”, he breathed.
“I didn't want you to leave either...” Your legs were already shaking again.
You reached for his hand, brushing your thumb over his skin, like you were trying to calm him, even though it was a gesture for yourself.
“Come”, you said, “I want to show you something.”
There was still a mess on your desk from all the makeup you and Natasha had tried out; the couch was full of outfits, that you'd debated to put on instead of this damn dress, before you'd given it a chance. But none of that really mattered.
It was dark anyways.
And you didn't dare to put on the big light right now, when that would give him every chance, to see, how unbelievably unprepared you were. The little flower lamp on your bedside table had to suffice.
Bucky stilled in his spot by the closed door, “You- you already put them on?”
You looked down at the covers on your neatly made bed and hummed, “I really loved them...it was also very...eye opening.”
He fixed you, thoroughly taking you in for a moment. “It all went wrong. On Christmas, I mean...That should've never happened.”
You swallowed, realizing too late, that you were frowning, until he began to stutter, “No- it's not that-”
“Did you enjoy the kiss?”, you interrupted him, “I liked it...”
He blinked, taking a deep breath, in an attempt to relieve his irritation, “I did. It was perfect.”
Oh.
“Perfect?”, you laid your head to the side, slowly making your way back over to him, “Did you ever think about kissing me before?”
His chest began to heave, when you stood right in front of him.
“I did.”, you said, when he didn't answer, swallowing all your fear and hesitation, to free these overpowering emotions from their confines, “I've imagined it before. Quiet often.”
“R-really?”, his voice was rough, barely a sound at all. Confidence was rushing through your system- probably to support you without any more orders, because the Khalia was definitely retreating far, far into your mind now.
“I also imagined various other things.”, you hummed and let your hands rest on his chest, feeling his muscles tense and flex under your fingers; a soft tremble ran through his body.
His eyes flickered down to them once and then he let them linger on your chest, when you got even closer.
Maybe this was easier for him? He'd always dealt bad with raw emotions and softer feelings. Maybe he could accept something physical... maybe you could let your heart rest in assurance, through something different, than a confession.
Bucky had apparently forgotten how to use his mouth. So you gave him a short, sweet reminder, what else he could do with it, when you leaned up and brushed your lips over his.
A soft hum escaped him, when he fell into it, as if he couldn't contain his actual need for you. The sound let goosebumps rise.
Finally, his hands found to your waist, when you angled your head and nudged his mouth open with your tongue.
They were careful, yet their touch let warmth blossom in your stomach. So warm...
Your fingers were gripping into his shirt for a second, before you moved them up to his face.
But he stopped, when you cupped his cheeks.
“Too much?”, you asked, hesitantly detracting your fingers, but one of his hands shot out, to grab it and he held it so delicately.
“Never too much...you're never too much.”, he whispered against your palm, gently caressing the skin with his lips for a moment, “You are all I want, Y/N.”
The ground was ripped away underneath you and all you could still feel, were his soft lips on your hand, kissing up and down every inch, until he let go of it, only to lean back in for another distraction of your senses. There was less hesitation and more urge behind his movements, as he pushed his tongue into your mouth, eating away at you, as if he needed to memorize every bit of it for another time.
Heat flared in your body, when he dragged his hands over your sides and down your back, “You're driving me so goddamn crazy, you know that?”
You gasped, when his lips moved along your jaw to suck at your neck, right underneath your earlobe.
“No, I didn't know”, you muttered, steadying yourself on his shoulders, when he urged you back into the room.
Your legs hit the bed. And he stopped again.
“Always thought you were so observing...yet you didn't understand, how I saw you all this time?”
Your heart missed a beat.
“I couldn't escape it.”, he whispered, leaning his forehead against yours. His breath came in short bursts, as if he had to hold himself back, “I can never escape you-”
You would've apologized, if you'd still been aware and in control of your tongue.
“-so I'll just accept it now.”
⊹ ✿・・───・・✦・・───・・✿ ⊹
His hands were ever so careful, as they untied the straps in your back, stealing another kiss or two in the meantime, while he worked on loosening the tight fabric clinging to your chest.
If there had still been a part within him, that knew how to behave, he would've entirely ignored it. This was, what he needed after all. Self-control was just a hindrance, when you were so heavenly soft and sweet.
When the heat of your body was calling for him, just like your eyes and each sound slipping from your lips.
His heart was so heavy with the realization, that you wanted him too. Still.
After he'd fucked up so many times.
But your nails scraping over the nape of his neck were such a clear sign, that you'd let him stay tonight. Right?
Or was it the way you pressed yourself into him, to explore more of his body with your hands and feel his breath stutter, with every new spot you found to tease him?
His head was so full of you; with the made up image, of you underneath this dress; with those dreams and visions of the last weeks, like it was all there was.
Only you.
He didn't want to miss another chance. He couldn't, he would never be able to live with disappointing you again.
The last strap was freed. And Bucky was about to tug on the tangled mess, to let it all fall apart; anticipating to finally get a glimpse of what he'd fantasized about so often.
But you had other ideas.
You whirled him around and shoved him down into the bed, before his head had even caught up with the movement. A hand was holding your dress in place over your chest as you stepped between his legs, letting them part a tad further. He had just enough time to fully sit up, when you smiled and dropped your arm; the thin, silky dress falling away in the blink of an eye. He hardly registered you shoving it the rest of the way over your hips until it pooled to your bare feet.
The golden light in the room was dancing over your skin; dipping along your body in shades and shadows and turning you into an actual piece of art. He soaked it in, every tiny second, that you stood there before him, as if it was his god-given right, to watch you. And that gentle curl of your lip-
It was warm, so warm, that he felt his blood pound under his skin, like another heartbeat. Your body wasn't lean and neither hard like his. You were soft and healthy- perfection in the face of Aphrodite. There were no scars besides the few stretchmarks he could make out in the light; soft, bright lines, that stretched over your curves as if to accentuate them. Drawn on your flesh, to entice him. All that was concealing you from him, was your underwear. And Bucky swallowed hard, when he saw you rub your thighs together under his gaze.
This wasn't just sexual beauty. You held more than temptation, with your wondering eyes and the questions sparkling in them, while you waited for him to make a decision.
Be selfish.
His hands came to lay on your hips, gently pulling you into him, so that he could trail a path of kisses over your stomach and up your chest, whereupon you lowered yourself into his lap.
He might've cried, simply from being allowed to touch someone- touch you this way, if it hadn't been for the painful reminder of a straining cock in his pants, as your soft center nestled right against it over his jeans.
You gasped, when you felt it and he had to bite his lips, to not move any further, as you tested the feeling once more, with a swerve of your hips.
Thick, heavy lust was building in his body like some disease, when his eyes wandered down to the swell of your breasts- sparkling in the mild glow. His hands twitched back to life, when he reached out, a silent question in his eyes as he watched you.
“Go on”, you whispered, “They're all yours.”
His mouth parted in a strained breath at your words.
All his?
How could something so perfect ever be his?
“Cold”, you gasped, when his metal hand brushed over the underside of one of your breasts, but before he could take it away, you gave him one of the cutest giggles he'd ever heard, “No, it's okay...I don't mind.”
His warm hand also laid around your soft flesh, feeling it's weight; testing it's give with expertise, before he flicked his thumb over the hardening bud. He wasn't sure if it was possible, but he swore to feel himself get even harder, when you hummed deeply and closed your eyes with his hands working on your breasts like this. He accidentally bucked his hips up into you, letting you rip them right back open.
“Sor-”
You rushed to claim his mouth in another kiss, fingers finding back into his hair, to gently tug on it.
He moaned into your mouth, when you rocked your hips into his lap over and over, breaking him apart each and every time. But he would never stop you. He was so utterly desperate to keep you there- in his lap, in his arms. To feel all of you.
More.
Closer.
Harder.
That familiar pull between your legs- the warmth pooling low in your belly and down between your thighs... The fire burning down your spine with every new sound he made; with every shaking breath he took. It was driving you mad. Let you hang onto the edge of your sanity.
God, he wanted you. You could tell so easily. From the urgency of his lips drawing down to your jawline and further down your neck, sucking on your skin, until you were forced to basically present it to him. You gave him full access to all those tender spots, that spiked your pulse and let you squirm in his arms.
Your nipples were standing so hard against his shirt, that you mewled, every time, that he moved.
He chuckled, his breath ghosting over your collarbones.
“Impatient, huh?”
You couldn't give him an answer, your breath was caught in your throat, when he nipped at the crook of your neck.
“You taste good”, he panted into your skin, “Is there nothing about you, that could stop me?”
“Why stop?”, you huffed, “I don't want you to stop, please.”
Slowly, like it took all his restraint to pull his attention away from your neck, he looked up, “Say that again.”
One of his thumbs was drawing smooth circles into your hip, as he waited for you to find your voice again.
“Say please.”
Desire was weighing you down with every second, that you stared back into those full blown eyes- usually so bright and striking blue. They were so dark now...
“Please.”
He groaned, gratified but desperate.
“Please don't stop, James”, you purred, “Please keep touching me, feel me...more of me.”
His mouth stood open in harsh unsteady breaths.
Your tummy made a flip, when he buried his face back into your neck, to mouth at your skin, and then moaned so low, that the sound vibrated throughout your entire body. His fingers were digging into your hips, holding them down for dear life, to keep you right in place over the bulge in his pants. You were scared, that all that arousal building inside of you, would start to seep through your underwear at this point. You didn't want to ruin his clothes, or-
Actually...
“Lower”, you breathed, lips brushing against his ear as you leaned down, hands roaming through his hair, “I want you to feel me, James.”
The movement of his hands paused, as he understood what you were asking.
He didn't dare to look up, sparing his restless mind the sensual smile, that your voice was indicating and directly let his fingers fall lower, down into your lap. He brushed them over your underwear, finding it already damp and thinned.
“You're soaked”, he bit out, pushing his excitement over the fact, that he was getting you so wet into a far corner of his mind for now.
“Yes”, he heard another smile in your words, “Just for you.”
His body was roaring with desire from inside, head clouded with more of those images of you and what he'd see without this tight underwear.
He dragged his fingers over the fabric, exploring this part of you, that he was so deeply craving to feel...only without any clothes to separate you from him.
Your fingers curled into his hair, stronger, as if you had to hold onto something. He could hear and feel your heartbeat. So close; so fast.
„You want this?“, his rough voice drifted into your ears, while electricity numbed every other part of your brain.
“So badly, you have no idea.”, you whined, hips moving in sync with his fingers.
He leaned back, to check if you were honest.
“Please, Bucky...”
The sheer lust in his eyes was letting your hips twitch yet again. Then he slid his hand into your underwear, holding your gaze as he dipped two of his fingers into you, confidence shining through his strained expression.
And fuck- he licked his lips, as if he could imagine the taste by feeling you alone.
It took all of your willpower, to not rub yourself into him like a bitch in heat, when his palm gently rested between your legs; his ring and middle finger exploring you carefully. You were already so on edge and so goddamn horny from all these nights where he'd filled your head, only to leave you empty upon waking up.
He curled his digits upwards, searching for that special spot, that let you fall apart on his fingers. You clenched around them, when he added his thumb, to slowly circle over your clit, always holding the same pace.
It looked like he was still waiting for something, whenever you had the strength, to open your eyes up. As if he was searching for something within you.
It was getting stronger, the pressure was so intense that no amount of control could really hold you up anymore. At some point you would just collapse into him, even with your hands now on his shoulders.
You were gripping onto his shirt with trembling fingers and tried to let go of all that hesitation, that was still looming over you. The whimpers were soft at first, still shy, scared it might throw him off or confuse him, but there was nothing to stop them anymore when you had to use all your strength to keep upright. You were trying to breathe through it, but when your sounds steadily picked up, his pace also quickened. It's what he'd been waiting for.
“Lemme hear you”, he rasped, rewarding each mewl with more pressure; more teasing to your sensitive clit, “You sound so good, I need more.”
It was hard to concentrate on anything, when your body was pulsing. His touch was literally setting your nerves on fire and he had no intention to stop, until you would give him what he wanted.
The tension was too much, your control was slipping, more and more, until your were trembling from the restraint. You were grinding into his hand, desperately searching for a bit of relief, which he only commented with such a low chuckle, that it raised another whimper from you.
You heard him whisper a vague: “Almost there”, somewhere through your hazy thoughts. As if he was guiding you. How could he tell? Was your pussy that easy to figure out?
His eyes were concentrated on your movements, rather than your face and you realized, that you didn't want to hold back anymore. There was no reason, to deny how much you fucking wanted him, so why keep up the stubborn act?
One of your hands loosened it's grasp on his hair and instead reached for his jaw, to make him look- let him see, how good it really was. His fingers twitched inside of you, shortly failing the steady rhythm, when you lowered your lips onto his and let go.
It was only a sigh at first, but his taste only enhanced every bit of this moment and the next breath turned into a full moan and his metal hand came up to your head, to keep you in place, as he swallowed each following sound like a treat. The pitch of your voice was rising with every second, when you begged him for more.
“That's it”, he gasped between kisses, “Let go for me.”
It sounded like he wanted it even more than you.
“No”, you whined, “I want you...wanna- wanna do it with you. Together.”
He leaned back, letting you trail after him with your lips, but he was staring at you, eyes serious all of a sudden, “Are you sure?”
You barely managed to give him a nod and his brows twisted, like he still couldn't believe this.
As if you weren't fucking yourself on his fingers right now.
“Gimme one. Just one”, he breathed, “Then you can have whatever you want.”
You held his gaze, saw that he was practically begging with his eyes.
“Once.”, he repeated, the pace of his fingers was growing restless, the longer you watched him, “You gotta come for me once...you gotta be ready, okay?”
Ready. Ready for him?
Oh fuck-
Something came loose within you, a wish, that had been waiting for it's time since forever and another moan crawled up in your chest, when you imagined him filling you out. Please please please
You didn't have to answer him, because the shier yearning for his weight on top of you and his cock buried within you left you no choice, but to cave in. The pressure was growing and another gush of heat ran through you. A soft cry escaped you, when the coil in your lower body tightened yet again, so hard, that you had to close your eyes.
“Yes- yes, come on”, his breath stuttered, when you were starting to tremble and his thighs beneath you tensed, as if he was anticipating your high just as much as you.
You thought, you would've been prepared for the orgasm, but when you came, it shocked you so deeply, that your hands clawed into his shirt, holding on for dear life as he brought you over the edge. Another cry ripped itself out of your throat, sensual and full of relief.
His- those were his fingers inside of you, it was his hand drifting through your hair, his staggering breath by your ear.
“Fuck-”, you choked out another moan, rolling your hips a few times, as if to ride one those last few seconds of your pleasure, “God, fuck”
“Good job”, Bucky mumbled, slowing his tempo for you, until he was sure you were done, “Thank you, sweetheart.”
Your eyes shot open and you could see his mouth shut. Had you heard him right?
Sweetheart
The name 'your James' had been calling you in your dreams. Your heart was fluttering around in your chest and your insides twisted with another wave of need, as you smiled. Nothing could've stopped the joy, that spread with the realization, that there was indeed a part of him left.
Your James was here with you. But something about that felt wrong. Unfair even.
Wasn't it Bucky that you wanted after all?
Before you had the chance to dwell on more of this bullshit, Bucky's hand slipped out of your underwear, to scoop you up under your thighs. It took two seconds, until you fell back into the soft, cold sheets of your bed with him towering over you.
“So”, he said, still weirdly out of breath, “What's your choice, hm?”
Your face was flushed, your eyes glassy and only half-lidded by now and he had to swallow, when he saw the mess he'd left in your underwear. But those would come off soon, so who cared?
“Still want me?”
You nodded, hands reaching out for him, when he crawled over the bed, “Only you.”
It was a dream, it was a fucking dream, it had to be.
You pulled him down into a kiss, letting your hands drift lower to open his shirt, fingers trembling a bit stronger with every button. And soon you reached his pants. He shivered, when your fingertips brushed along the waistband, grazing just enough of his skin, to raise goosebumps.
“Can I?”
“I told you”, he breathed, “You can have whatever you want now.”
But in reality, it was him, who wanted this. He wanted- needed it so deeply, that every second longer was turning into pain, while you fumbled to open his pants. His kiss turned rough, the closer you were to touch him.
Having felt how tight you'd been down there, he could only imagine, how fucking good you would feel around his cock instead of just his fingers. And that you were so eager for it...it let his mind race.
His feelings were all over the place, when you were so close and so- so safe. Safe.
One of your hands reached into his underwear and he gasped, right as your eyes widened.
“Fuck, you're big.”
He wasn't sure, if he'd caught a hint of fear in your words, but the question was dispensed, when your hand closed around his shaft and you bit your bottom lip in excitement, chest heaving.
“That's why you had to get me ready?”
He couldn't get a single goddamn word out, with your tender fingers locked around his tip, all he wanted was to bury his face in your neck and rut into it.
“It's been a while for me”, you mumbled, grounding him again, “I haven't...I don't know, if I'm still good at this so-”
“It's been a while for me too. Don't worry, we'll figure it out together.”, he said, kissing at the corner of your mouth and from there on down to your jaw and further over the start of your neck, “I'll be careful with you.”
He already missed the warmth of your lips, when he positioned himself between your legs and angled them to make some space for him. You immediately slung them around him, when he closed in, eyes trained on his bare chest. On his dog-tags, specifically.
“Can you take 'em off?”, he asked and bowed down, to let you pull them over his head, “Don't want them to hit you in the face.”
You giggled and the sound filled every rest of empty space in his chest and his thoughts, while you tugged the chain over your head and placed the tags between your breasts, “I'll take care of them, while you take care of me.”
He gave a swift kiss to your shoulder and let you run your hands through his hair, while he took his place, “I'll take real good care of you.”
“I know you will. I trust you, remember?”
The smile on your lips was still there, when he came back up and his heart jumped with the sight.
How could you let him feel so weak and so tense at the same time? He was barely able to contain himself and here you were, bright as the sun, to melt his insides like butter.
He groaned, taken off guard, when you nudged your hips into his, to remind him of his promise.
“Alright”, he mumbled, steadying himself on one side, to reach down, “Still so impatient.”
Before you could say anything, he had already aligned himself with your dripping, swollen entrance.
He bit his tongue, to keep quiet, when his head passed through your soft folds, engulfed by wet heat.
Fuck, that was good. That was a lot.
So much better than just imagining it. So much fucking better.
And with every bit that he slid in, your voice rose in volume. Like he was filling the space left for hesitation out with his cock. His hips were twitching, when he kept himself from doing it all in one go, just to finally feel you all around him.
He couldn't hurt you, needed to go slow, in case you changed your mind or-
A moan fell from his lips, when he felt your pussy sucking him further in. He'd been so concentrated, that he hadn't even noticed your hands cupping his face. Your fingertips were caressing his jaw, to hopefully loosen him up. But your eyes were screaming: More
The stretch around him and those broken snippets of sound you were giving him, let his mind swim off into an endless ocean of nothing but insatiable lust. And he hadn't meant to say it, not again, after slipping up before, but his heart was too full of you.
“Feel so fucking good, sweetheart”
The light returned to your eyes, this deep emotion he'd seen that first time he'd let the name fall. It was confusing, but so comforting, to see you so loose your mind because of something so simple.
“Just a bit more”, he mumbled, keeping close attention on you, for the last few inches, to watch the exact moment you would realize, that he was bottomed out.
“That's it, nice and steady.”
Your eyelids were fluttering, your chest was rising and falling rapidly.
“God, Bucky”, you gasped, hoarsely, “Please, you gotta- you gotta-”
You barely got a hold of your words, tongue flopping in your mouth, when you were so heavy and satiated with him so deep.
If only you weren't so impatient. If only your mind wouldn't scream at you, to push him over and ride him 'til the crack of dawn. Maybe then you wouldn't have shoved your hips forward and crossed your legs in his back. Maybe then you wouldn't have to bite your tongue with the stretch of your cunt.
He cursed, one hand latching onto your hip, “Are you crazy?”
You laughed, breathless and confused, “I guess so...”
He collected himself from the careless moment and simply linked his other hand with yours, taking some time to let you adjust and distracted you with his lips roaming over your collar bones, “You okay?”
You hummed, unable to form a sentence just yet.
The security his body on top of yours let your head fill with cotton. The weight on your hips, the strain inside of you and his scent-
God, his scent.
You were inhaling him like a fresh summer breeze.
“I'll start now”, he said, giving you another kiss, too tender for the tension in his middle, but he had to show you, that this was more to him. If he couldn't get himself to say it, then he had to prove himself in other ways.
He pulled out, feeling your walls suck on him, as if you were scared to let him leave and he had to close his eyes, when this bit of suction already let his hips stutter. Then prepared for a slow, easy tempo, always sure to check on you.
The fear of going overboard was probably the only thing that even held him down to earth at this point.
But with your soft moans turning into pleas and the pleasure turning into fire, he knew that wouldn't last. His drawn out thrusts were growing harsher. He wanted to keep you here forever, in his arms. Wanted to be surrounded by your sweet scent, capsuled in your light, ears filled with your velvety voice.
“J-James”, your fingers buried in the hair in his neck, pulling on the strands ever so slightly, as he shoved his cock back into you. Deeper. Deeper.
With every thrust, he felt like he was finding another spot within you, that let you fall apart. You were tightening around him, dragging another groan out of his chest.
It didn't even matter, how much time had passed after his last time to fuck someone, because this felt like nothing he'd ever experienced before. He could've gone on like this for the entire rest of the night- another day maybe, another few more, just to hear all of those sounds you made.
His dog-tags were still snugly sitting between your tits, and another moan got stuck in his throat, when he watched them bounce in his brutal pace.
So perfect
You were nothing but perfect. And you were-
His.
He wanted you to be his.
His body was so warm, inside out- with lust, with bliss; with pure, unaltered love. Fuck, he was actually in love. This wasn't just some damn crush anymore, this wasn't just a search for comfort or proximity...he loved you. Fucking loved you-
„Shit, I can't...“, he groaned again, as the heat took him over and let his body tense so strong, that he was shaking with every other thrust, “I think-”
„Oh please yes, please!“, you sighed, hands sliding over his back, up and down, to search for something to hold onto, “I want all of you.”
All of...
His pace grew erratic, when he neared his end and hearing start to beg for him really didn't help.
“Fill me up, James. Give me all of it, I need it, fuck!”, you panted, meeting his hips with yours now, too, “Want your cum.”
He was so entirely engrossed in his oncoming orgasm, that he almost missed your words, but it was the last bit, that let his being crumble into pieces.
There was no more strength left in him, to drag it out, when he let you paint this picture for him.
Full of his-
“Fuck!”, the tension peaked, his body convulsed under the wave of pleasure and you arched your hips further into him, when you noticed, “Fuck, baby, fuck- fuck!”
Your cunt milked every bit of his release, while he came- so hard, that he saw stars dance behind his eyelids as he shut them tight.
“Don't stop”, you moaned, “More, more, give me all- all of you!”
He tried his absolute best, to drag you over the edge with him, reaching down to tempt your throbbing clit one last time.
“C'mon, baby, c'mon”, he breathed against your lips, before plunging his tongue into your mouth, eating up every new word and moan for himself. You arched into him again, when you finally came and he joined into your pleasured sounds, when the tension released it's iron grasp on him. And he couldn't do much, but savor the last seconds of your pulsing, twitching walls, while riding it out.
There was a softness in the way you slung your arms around him, letting him collapse into your body without a single complaint and his heart was soaking in the care you were giving with your gentle hands on his back.
“Thank you”, it was you this time, “Thank you, Bucky...”
He was still desperately trying to collect himself out of this state, as you hummed so deep in your chest, that it drove a shiver down his spine.
And then-
His eyes shot open, when his dick twitched inside of you.
He tried to pull out, realizing his mistake, “Shit, I'm so sorry!”
You linked your legs a bit tighter around him and he snapped his eyes up to you, meeting your tired gaze and the weak smile around your lips, “It's okay, don't worry.”
“But we-”
“It's fine, Bucky.”, you said again, a bit louder, “I don't get a cycle. Ever since...you know?”
He could tell, that you were upset, could even see a flicker of sadness dance across your face for a moment and immediately felt bad for saying anything, but you once again, reassured him. “It's an actual benefit, I guess...I'll never have to worry about getting pregnant this way.”
His mind was still way too far gone for such a serious topic, so he only made a somewhat affirmative sound and rolled over with you in his arm, letting you snuggle against his chest, “Sorry...didn't mean to ruin the moment.”
“It's alright”, your voice softened, “Maybe you could just hold me for a bit?”
He pulled you closer, “Of course.”
⊹ ✿・・───・・✦・・───・・✿ ⊹
It felt like an eternity, that he laid there with you. Calm heartbeats turning into one as your breath slowed down. His hands were wandering over your waist, caressing your hip here and there, to reassure himself, that this was all real. Maybe his mind had still been a bit more affected by the mead, than he'd assumed, because he couldn't remember a single day in these last years, where he'd been this confident in a decision. He was so grateful for your courage; so grateful, that you'd come for him and showed him, that you weren't as scared of those feelings, as he was. Otherwise this would've never happened.
He shifted his head, to watch you and noticed, that you were already staring up at him. A familiar tint settled around your face, when you met his eyes, “Hm?”
“You're very brave”, he muttered.
The color only deepened and you simply turned your head away, to avoid his gaze, “Okay? If you say so...”
He pressed a kiss to the crown of your head, closing his arms around you without any more explanation. Maybe that wasn't needed anyway. It all felt right. For once, his life felt complete and good.
“Should we get you cleaned up?”, he asked after another while, feeling the calm of his heart falter with the thought of what he'd done between your thighs.
You grumbled, fidgeting with the dog-tag around your neck, “We should, yeah...is so nice though...I like laying with you like this.”
He was so deeply wishing, to never have said anything. Just to get a few more minutes of this peace.
But he forced himself up, to slip back into his underwear and plucked you out of the sheets, grinning, when you squealed, “Wait, I can walk, let me down.”
He ignored your complaint and brought you into the bathroom instead, where he sat you onto the counter of the sink, “You got like a....a washcloth or something?”
You pointed down to one of the cabinets and Bucky quickly retrieved one off the neat stack and soaked it in some warm water, before he stood himself between your parted legs.
He constantly checked your reaction to any of his touches, as he ran it over your thighs and cleaned up whatever was left of your...well...
“Is that something you like?”, he asked quietly and you cocked your head to the side.
“You wanted me to- to, uhm...”, oh god, why was he so shy all of a sudden? Why couldn't he just say it?
“Oh, yes”, you giggled nervously, “I, uh...like it raw and ...yes.”
At least he wasn't alone in this awkward feeling.
“It's nice”, you hummed after a while, when he was almost done, “I don't think anyone has ever done something like this for me...”
His eyes shot up, “What, seriously?”
Wasn't this normal? Even during his time in the past, he'd always known, to let a girl feel good after sex. He'd never once thought to just skip this part. He was partially at fault for the mess after all, or not?
“Is it that common?”
He tried not to frown, when he imagined anyone else touching you and then bailing, without taking care of your comfort afterwards, “Maybe not. Should be though.”
It only let him be extra gentle with you, to prove, that it was worth it. Worth his time and efforts, to make you feel good, after you'd given him such an amazing experience.
Bucky watched you put a simple t-shirt on for bed, after everything else was back to normal in the room and his chest was starting to feel all warm and full again, when you glanced at him from the side of the bed, “Are you...gonna stay?”
“You mean, sleep?”, he swallowed, when he imagined waking you up with one of his nightmares.
But even his short hesitation let your shoulders slump and a knot to form in Bucky's stomach. He couldn't leave you with any bad feeling now...he had to- had to reinforce this emotion, that he'd built in those moments. He had to, because he couldn't voice, what he was feeling...and he needed you to understand. At least some of it.
“Sure, I'll stay”, he nodded, visibly relaxing, to assure you.
It was just as intimate, as before, when he settled into bed. Not skin to skin, but still heart to heart. So close and easy. Had anything ever felt this easy to him?
Your face was right before him, eyes closed and calm in your features like he'd never seen it on you before.
“Goodnight, James”, you whispered into the silence.
And Bucky- even if he knew, he wouldn't sleep- gave you another soft kiss to your forehead and mumbled, “Goodnight, sweetheart.”
chapter summary/ tags/warnings: new years party in the tower, mentions of drug use in context to the war, Bucky's having a hard time with fireworks, Thor and Bruce make an appearance, very sappy first kiss(this is a warning)
Series Masterlist <- !general tags will be found here!
Authors Note: Personally I think Bucky wouldn't actually search for love or would need yeaaars to feel comfortable enough for intimacy, so yeah, this is pure delusion pahahaha ( but we deserve that sometimes ) (also don’t ask me where her jacket went, I have no idea)
Chapter 19: A new year
I don't know, how much sense this letter will make to you, but I really needed to get this off my chest. At least once. I know you have trouble to see it, but in my mind, you are one of the strongest people, I've ever met. You gave me so much hope during my time here with the team and even now, when I'm already a part of it (more or less) you still give me courage, to keep going. I don't want to be dramatic, but you really are one of the most important people in my life right now, so I wanted to make sure you know that, if you open this gift, in case it could disappoint you. But in all seriousness, when I heard this song, I pictured you dancing to it right away. I would love you, to find some comfort in it at least, even if you would never want to dance again. I'll keep up hope for you. And maybe one day you can see yourself being worthy of love and hope too, James. You deserve it.
Y/N
“Aren't you a social butterfly today.”, Sam mumbled, when he sat down besides Bucky, who immediately glared at him, “Still nothing new?”
“Shut up.”
He knew it wasn't Sam's fault, that he was so pissed. It was all his own.
But he was simply going to loose his mind at this point. With this game of cat and mouse, that you were playing... No matter what he did, you weren't letting him get close. Weren't reacting to his texts, weren't opening the door, weren't even answering any calls. From no one. You weren't letting anyone in anymore.
And it was all his fault.
You'd held your arms out for him, had let him see right into your heart; given him a path to reach it even, yet he'd denied you.
The feeling of your hands around his face was still lingering on his skin, even now- days after it had all happened. The picture of you smiling still flashed through his head, like a reminder, how stupid he was.
Just not stupid enough. He could've pretended, to not know, what it meant. Could've acted like he was unaware, but he wasn't stupid enough, to miss all those feelings you'd presented in that moment.
And he hadn't been stupid enough, to catch the horror on Steve's face either, as he'd also understood.
At least something. He'd seen something, that Bucky had never wanted to show him.
He'd never wanted to hurt him in this way.
But to save himself from betraying his friend, he'd lost you. Maybe this was it.
Maybe he'd tested his chances one too many times...
„Anyone seen her today?“, Steve asked as he entered the kitchen and looked around the group at the table.
You were the only one missing today. Everyone was back, to celebrate new years at the Stark tower tonight, so your absence felt even worse, with the others all gathered.
„Not yet, but I plan on breaking her door down later. I won't go to that stupid party on my own“, Natasha said.
„Right, I forgot that none of us will be there“, Sam muttered, tone laced in sarcasm.
„You don't understand- I didn't go through those endless stores for nothing, alright? I will see her ass in that dress tonight. I deserve it.”
Steve nearly choked on his own spit.
„Oh my god, some respect for the senior citizens, please.“, Tony mumbled as he put his phone down and glanced directly at Steve.
„We'll drag her to the party, if we have to.“, Wanda chipped in and sent a glare over the table towards Bucky.
She had witnessed it all. Probably knew of his fuck-up, even without reading his mind. But he couldn't even tell her just how bad he felt, he didn't want to talk to anyone but you. He only wanted you, he wanted to show you, that he knew and felt the same...if it really was the same.
And even if it had been, after he'd seen you on the couch of your room, he'd realized, that he'd messed up big this time. You in that fancy little dress, curled up with trails of mascara under your eyes and the hand, which had been clutched so tightly into the fabric over your chest, that he'd felt his heart drop.
How was he supposed to fix this?
„I promised Thor and Bruce they could meet her. I think it would make me look bad if she doesn't come. 'Tony Stark can't even control his own staff'“, Tony scoffed.
„It's going to happen, you guys can stop worrying“, Nat said again, before she got up from the table, „If you'll excuse me, we don't have much time left.“
Bucky took a quick glance towards the time displayed on the oven and furrowed his brows.
„Not all of us can throw themselves into a Henley and call it a day, Barnes.“ She must've seen his confusion.
„We'll also get ready now.“, Wanda said and stood up with Vision, „Still enough time to make some changes.“
Guessing from the glare she was still giving him, those words were meant for him.
The discussion about their transport to the tower was seemingly over, when Stark also got up. And Bucky already braced himself, for what he had to do next. Even with Steve watching him so closely, he simply raked all his thoughts together and walked up to your door.
“You think you can get her to come out?”, Steve asked, when he opened his own door opposite to yours.
“I'm just trying whatever I can...”
Steve nodded, “Let's hope it works then. I would hate for her to stay behind here on her own tonight.”
Nice, really. Steve could've just shot him, would've been kinder.
As soon as his friend was in his room, Bucky knocked exactly three times and then waited for a moment, before he called your name.
He could hear faint movement in the room and some soft footsteps, but nothing else.
„I need to talk to you...please“, he said quietly.
Silence.
„Listen, what happened on Christmas wasn't my intention...it just- it was a lot. Not you, I meant the situation overall.“, he sighed and rested his forehead against the door, “I really want to explain it...it was a mistake, okay? I didn't-”
„Barnes“, Natasha's Voice let him jump out of his skin, „I get you need to have a talk at some point, but maybe this is not the best way.“
„What choice do I have?“, he snapped, mad about her interruption; mad that his words wouldn't make a damn change.
And how could they? He didn't even know what he was saying, it was just more bullshit, that he couldn't deal with. You'd written him that whole letter, just because and he couldn't even be honest to himself...
He didn't even deserve your forgiveness or another chance.
“I just wanna make it right.”, he muttered, more to himself than anything, but Natasha still gave him a look- a mix of pity and disgust.
“You'll get your chance. Now get out of the way.”, she shoved him aside and banged her fist on the door, „You better open up now, if you want to keep this door.“
The lock Immediately clicked, and as if you had been standing right by the door this whole time, it leaned open a few inches.
Bucky's heart nearly stopped in anticipation of seeing you, but you didn't show yourself. And before he could even take a step or glance through the gap in the door, Natasha slipped inside with her smaller bags and said, “Later, sarge”, to very obviously excuse him.
He removed himself from the hallway and then wandered around the living room up on his floor, to come up with some plan, how to fix this bullshit.
There was a tiny part of him, that wanted to take this chance and just cut this tie, so that he wouldn't have to feel any more of it. And then there was this undeniable, overwhelming want for you. This incredibly fragile, hot pinch so deep inside of him, that nothing could've ever helped to relieve him. It sat so- so low in his stomach, yet close to his heart. However that made sense.
Well nothing about this made any sense to begin with, so it was just another thing to accept.
“Man, you're really going through it, huh?”, Sam spoke up, as he walked past him, to reach his room, “Still panicking about her?”
“You don't get it”, Bucky grumbled, trying to hide the emotion plastered all over his face at the mention of you.
“Hey”, his friend came closer then, sensing the distress that Bucky was dealing with as always, “Sit down, come on.”
He listened. He just had no capacity, to deal with this all by himself anymore, so he simply gave up.
“It wasn't just a dance, was it?”
Bucky shook his head, stomach tightening with even more anxiety at the memory.
“I already kinda suspected something, honestly. You were never this cheery around anyone in these last years...”, Sam sighed, “Didn't think I'd actually see you fall for someone in this lifetime.”
“Then why'd ya send me on all those dates, huh?”, Bucky mumbled, pinching the bridge of his nose between two fingers.
“Those were distractions. No one here would've guessed you to ever let your guard down for a person again. Besides Steve, of course...but I saw you on Christmas. Wouldn't say you changed, but there's something different about your behavior with her.”
Bucky looked up at him, “You're telling me I had to go through the humiliation of canceling all those blind dates for nothing?”
“That's not the point now, is it?”, Sam scoffed and reclined on the sofa, “I'm tryna talk you through your feelings here, buddy. Either you work with me or I'll leave.”
Bucky rolled his eyes. In silence.
“Whatever you see in her, it helped you overcome some of your problems these last months, so I can only approve of it. But my fear is, that you're like...blinded by the need to protect. You both got a pretty abstruse connection, with all that victim-attacker past. So you gotta be sure, this ain't got anything to do with that, before you move any further.”
He was grinding his teeth, to not say anything dumb, that he would regret a second later.
“It will always come down to that past.”, he answered instead, “I can't undo any of it. It'll stay with me and with her, for the rest of or life's probably... but I really wanted to move on from it. Maybe I-”
He paused, tongue heavy all of a sudden.
“Did you only change for her? Did you do all this good shit for yourself, so that you could convince her, you were better now?”
“She needed it too”, he whispered, as if it could erase the vile truth that was forming in his mind.
He liked you. He really- really liked you. But he would've done anything; taken any roll and changed into any shape, just for his own guilt to dwindle. How could he ever unapologetically be with you, if he was lying to himself?
“And is that, what you want? You wanna be her savior?”
He did.
Sam ran a hand down his face, “You should talk to Steve.”
“Why?”, his eyes snapped back to Sam's, wide and fearful, “Did he say anything?”
Sam tensed, “No?”
Before Bucky could even say anything, he could see it click in his friend's mind.
“Oh.”
He leaned forward, elbows on his knees and face buried in his hands, to hopefully escape this mess for a while, but it wasn't possible.
“Shit, it really is complicated then”, Sam huffed.
“You don't say.”
“Maybe it's better, if she's not coming out tonight.”
Bucky peeked out over his hands, to glare at Sam, “You rather want her to be all alone?”
“If it means you get more time to decide? Yes.”
But he had a feeling, that whatever you were so upset about, would manifest with another night of separation between you and him- with another day away from each other, to avoid facing those feelings.
“What's important to you? Have her content and stable? Or have her by your side?”, Sam asked after another moment of quiet, “Because you know, that your state and hers are going to collide at one point or another, so how much are you ready to sacrifice of her peace? Do you like her enough, to be selfish for once?”
Selfish.
Bucky's throat was tight. So tight, that he couldn't even swallow nor speak.
He knew the answer and he hated it.
“Wanna hear my opinion on this?”
“Like you could actually ever keep it down with your opinions”, Bucky grumbled.
“I don't think it's gonna go well. You and her- it won't work. It'll go south soon enough, even if it feels good now.”
He knew that already. Yet he could tell, that hearing it from someone else, weighed him down even more.
“But-”, Sam held his hand up, to visually stop him from spiraling right away, “Trust is more important than constant harmony, if you ask me...if you really do trust her and if you know, that she trusts you, then...then I'd say you got a good base for starting a new kind of relationship. No matter where that might go. It's all in your hands. Your decision and your responsibility.”
With a lower tone and a soft gaze, he added, “And finding someone you can rely on is one of the rarest things to happen in this fucking world. You deserve to have more than one person to rely on, Buck.”
Deserve
Bucky didn't deserve anything. He didn't deserve you, he didn't deserve Steve and neither did he deserve Sam's help.
“It's cruel”, he whispered, “This fucking world is so cruel and yet it gave me a glimpse towards this light, after everything...I can't let go of her. Can't do it.”
His eyes stung and he blinked against the tension growing in his facial muscles as Sam began to worry for him.
“Then you got your answer.”
„I tried my best“, Natasha sighed as she met the others in the lobby, „I actually got pretty far. She let me do her hair, a bit of makeup, but when I got out the dress, she started crying. I didn't fucking know what to do, seriously. It was just such a girl-cry, I'm not good with that...“
„So she won't come?“, Steve asked, clearly disappointed.
„I don't know. I left all my stuff with her, maybe she'll change her mind...“, she gave Bucky a somewhat apologetic look, „I'm sorry.“
He nodded, thanking her without any words. She'd tried her best, he knew that. She'd done more than anyone would've expected from her. Her and Wanda were so close to you, Bucky was sure, they knew a lot of the stuff, that was going on between them anyway. Maybe this wasn't as much of a secret to anyone but you, him and Steve in the end...
“There's no point in pressuring her.”, Steve said, brows knotted tightly, “We could just leave a bit earlier and see if she's still up, when we get back maybe.”
The hope in his eyes let Bucky feel sick and he avoided to look at Sam beside him, when he felt the man's attention switch between himself and Steve.
Wanda tried to lift the tension with a gentle smile. “Let's just get going then. We'll have enough fun for her too.”
„My friends!“, a voice boomed through the room as the group arrived at the party location.
Bucky had never seen Thor before, and he wasn't sure what he had expected to be honest, but seeing a god walk around in some sort of velvet blazer, was not that.
Him and Steve greeted each other and he hugged Natasha so close, that he nearly picked her up off the ground.
„You can still identify us with only one eye?“, Nat said as she looked him up and down, „You got a haircut. A little less and you might look like Fury“, she glanced over to the Director who was already occupied with other people.
The god further tried to hug Wanda then, but only raised his hands in surrender, when she narrowed her eyes at him.
„I can see surprisingly well, do not worry. I had a little bit of a dispute with my older sister, a lot has happened. But I am so happy to be here today.“, he laughed- a sound that echoed in his ears like a gong or something- before he noticed Bucky and Sam standing further away, „Your friends?“, he asked Steve.
He nodded, eyes weirdly sorry, when he watched the tall man approach them both.
Bucky didn't know why, until the tall blonde god closed them into their own bear hug, letting his entire body stiffen. He didn't dare to move.
„Good to know, that the Avengers are still strong as ever!“, he said, patting them both on the shoulder, „I brought gifts and Mead- what's left of it. Come“, he smiled so brightly at them all, that it confused Bucky.
Weren't gods meant to be ethereal and scary? To be fair, he'd never really met any real gods before, so maybe this was the usual...
Stark greeted them all, when Thor ushered them further into the room. Tony announced, how proud he was, to host this new years again, even though he always did. No one else wanted to throw such parties but him anyway.
And as the entertainer that he was, he didn't have much time for his team and immediately tried to move on to the next group of people arriving.
„Eat, drink, do whatever you want, just use the actual toilets, please. We've removed all the plants from this floor tonight for a reason.“
Bucky had no need, to question that decision or even ask, why that was necessary and instead grouped himself with the other Avengers by the bar, to avoid having to face anyone he didn't know.
Most of the people present were Tony's guests anyway, so he had no urge, to meet them or introduce himself.
„It's nice, to see you in something else than a Henley, gotta say“, Wanda hummed, as she brushed past him, to sit on one of the stools.
He looked down at his choice of clothes, „I think it struck me, when you said that... Wanted to change it up a bit.“
He wasn't wearing an actual suit, but he did borrow one of Steve's darker dress shirts and bunched it up to his elbows. No tie, no fancy stylish shoes, just a little more class.
„Guess you do care more than you admit.“, she mumbled, before turning back to Vision, who brought some refreshments for her.
„Buck“, he didn't even have the time to question her words, when Steve demanded his attention, „This is Bruce- Dr. Banner.“, he introduced him to yet another person and Bucky tried his best to greet him in a friendly, somehow formal manner.
„I've heard of you, nice to meet you, Mr. uh- Barnes“, he said and his eyes shifted between him and Steve for a second, „Truly fascinating that two friends of the same time period have made it this far together.“
„A drink!“, Thor yelled out, as he waved them over.
There was literally no time or space to think at all. He felt like a toddler at a birthday party with so many impressions to take in at once.
„Careful, with this.“, the God said as he handed Bucky a glass with a sliver of alcohol in it.
„I think I'll be fine“, he gave him a tight smile.
„Oh no, he's right. Asgardian mead might be a little stronger than you think, pal“, Steve chuckled and took another glass from the counter, where Thor was handing them out left and right, “Take your time with it.”
„Are you serious?“, he asked, eyeing the liquid once more.
He hadn't been drunk ever since the war; wasn’t sure if it was a good idea, to drag this memory back up... But he could definitely need something like this tonight. Just to stop wallowing in self pity for a bit. And to forget, that you weren't here...
He stood somewhere on the sidelines, observing his friends, listening to the music, that was clearly not his taste and tried to keep his mind occupied with the mead. It had been so long since he'd felt that familiar burn in his body after a drink. He'd been given enough refills throughout the night, to help his mind feel at ease.
Although he also slowly came to hate the feeling, that spread in his body, the more he drank. Sure it was distracting from one thing, but it reminded him of too much else. Maybe the change of his metabolism had done him a favor, because if he would've returned from Hydra back in the 40s and got his hands back on stuff to fog his mind, he would've drunk himself into a grave during that short time before his next stay with Hydra.
He'd been used to the daze of various drugs and alcohol from missions. As soldiers, they'd taken everything, to help; to keep awake or push forward. So with everything that had happened during the war, he would've gladly drowned his memories with more of that afterwards. His hands were beginning to shake, when the dull sound of fireworks exploding out in the night sky was joining in on the train of thoughts of a battlefield. This wasn't a good idea, he should probably stop, before it got too hard to ignore.
So he decided, that the drink in his hands would just stay to function as a prop instead. Maybe then, he wouldn't seem like a sulking piece of shit somewhere in a fucking corner. God, he hated parties.
And he hated this all even more, since you were still nowhere to be seen. With every new glance towards the dance floor or some of the mingling groups spread out in this space, he was wishing to find you. He would've loved to see you here; see what you'd make of this evening, with the way you had been integrating yourself so well lately.
He would've loved, to watch you spread your joy among these people; see your bright smile and those dazzling eyes. It would be a much better distraction, than getting drunk.
But you were still alone. Welcoming the new year all by yourself. Because of him.
„You're not one for parties either, huh?“, a voice came from his right.
Dr. Banner stood beside him, watching over the entire scene just like Bucky.
„It's a lot of people...“
„Trust me, I know how you feel. There was a time in my life were I was dead-scared of meeting anyone unfamiliar. Didn't know if I could take it“, he laughed nervously.
„Yeah...“, Bucky just said, staring back down into his drink.
“Hate, that this tradition is still held up today.”, the man muttered, staring out to the dark sky, that was lit in colors and sparks every now and then, “A short lived boost for one and hell for another.”
Bucky clenched his jaw, to not show, how much he was agreeing with his words. And also, to avoid following his gaze. Damn. Was his dislike for fireworks that obvious?
„I know of your history. Sorry if that sounds weird, but I know who you were. I can also tell when someone gets eaten up by inner turmoil.“
He looked up then, surprised by the quick change of topic.
„It's hard to stop thinking, when there's so much going on at once...memories and guilt will always drag you down, if you don't stop them yourself.”
He really tried to not let those words faze him. „Sounds like you had a rough time...“
„Probably not remotely comparable to yours, but I learned a lot about myself while I had to recover. And let me tell you one thing: You will always feel the weight of your past, and all those decades cannot be wrapped up in a year or two, but all these people here, are more than ready, to share that burden with you. They are good, in their own ways of course.“
Bruce didn't look at him, just stared at all the guests. His eyes followed Natasha further into the room, where she was dancing with Wanda and even a very stiff and awkwardly moving Vision. Even he had more fun here, than Bucky.
“Sometimes you have to let your past go, to enjoy the here and now. Don't let it stop you, from enjoying what they can give you.”
“Easy to say...”, Bucky muttered, restraining himself from leaving without another word.
They didn't even know each other, and this man still seemed to perfectly understand the conflict going on inside him. Maybe Steve had sent him out, to get Bucky to stop sulking.
„Thanks though.”, he added, to not seem too rude.
Bruce had been a part of the Avengers before Bucky and it wouldn't be fair, to alienate him, when he was only trying to help. But he made it clear, that this wasn't a conversation he wanted to have in this moment.
“It's often harder, to convince yourself, to feel good than the other way around.”, the other man said, “I appreciate you listening to me, sorry if I interrupted you.”
“It's fine.”, Bucky nodded, hoping to show his thanks with the strained smile he was giving him, “I'll try and follow your advice.”
Silence returned to his head, when Bruce left and Bucky stood by himself, thinking about everything he'd ruined for himself with his past always looming over him, like some shadowing mountain.
He had denied help; denied emotions and relationships to form into any positive direction, because of his guilt. He'd denied himself to find comfort or even search for it in the first place. Had pushed countless people away- had fled from every situation, which had involved to face himself in a direct light.
And he'd told himself, it was the only right way. Hating himself was the only answer, to redeem himself, if possible. But what did it help? What changed, with his useless pain? Nothing. Sure, he could never let it all go, not when it was all, that was left of them.
His guilt was all, what remained of the people he'd doomed. Except for…
There was a sound poking through the rushing thoughts, steadily probing it's way through the tar-like walls surrounding his mind and let a shiver run down his spine.
A laugh. Soft, quiet. For a moment he thought it might be an addition to his guilt driven state.
But it was so real and uplifting, that he couldn't help but search for it.
Not far off from him he spotted two people stepping out of the elevator. A tall man with dark hair and a well tended beard, neatly dressed in some fancy suit. And by his side-
You.
His mind couldn't even register what was happening at first, he could only watch the man guide you into the room and then see your face light up with his next words. He couldn't move, couldn't even feel his body for a while as he stared at you.
Then your eyes landed on Bucky.
He held his breath, expecting to see it all: hurt, bitterness, anger...hate even.
But they were as soft as ever, even though your smile wavered for a broken second.
His heart was beating out of his chest by now, yet he couldn't even think of moving a single muscle or even blink, when he feared you to vanish any moment.
The tall man noticed your gaze towards Bucky and followed it. A knowing grin appeared on his face, before he walked you over to him, letting you hold onto his arm like a true gentleman.
„Good evening, you must be Mr. Barnes, if I am correct. Which I usually am.“
Bucky regained some of his control and cleared his throat, „Uh, yes.“
„Alright, then I can leave her in your care. It was a pleasure, Y/N.“, he fanned a kiss over the back of your hand before winking at Bucky.
You watched him walk off somewhere behind Bucky, but he didn't dare to turn around. He couldn't take his eyes off you.
„Who was that?“, his voice felt stiff and way too loud in his ears.
„I assumed he's just another guest. Dr. Stephen Strange. We met in front of the building, I- I was too scared to go In by myself and he was late, so...“
You were nervous, no question. But all he could hear, was your sweet voice- not the stagger in your breath, not the small stutter in your words. All he could see were your eyes, the shape of your nose; your lips... that hint of a dimple you had on one side of your face when you hesitantly smiled at him. Like he hadn't stared at you countless times before. As if he had to appreciate it all, before you would be gone again.
„I kind of rambled the whole way up here, he was nice enough to not laugh at me.“, you chuckled.
„Yeah?“, he breathed, feeling like his mind was drifting off in a form of a cloud, “What did you tell him?”
You bit down on your bottom lip, before you decided to answer him, „I think I prepared for the embarrassment of explaining myself to you. Because he told me I looked like a kitten in a crate that was waiting to be picked up at the shelter.“
„That's-“, he didn't even know what to say to that.
What an odd comparison.
„I get it though. I felt like it at least. I was really nervous-“
„Why?“, it burst out of his mouth before he could stop himself.
He knew why; knew exactly why you would be nervous to come here.
You looked down at his glass then, „What's that?“
„Uh, this god- Thor gave it to me...“
„Alcohol?“
„Ye-“
You snatched the glass out of his hand and downed the rest of it, grimacing at the strong taste.
“Oh fuck, what the hell is that?”
He wasn't sure if it was a good Idea for you to drink that, if it made even him feel tipsy, but it was too late now anyway.
“Asgardian mead.”, he said.
What was going on with him? He should've knelt to the floor and begged you to forgive him for everything that happened on Christmas...
“Huh. Interesting taste, for sure.”
After a moment of more silence you looked back up at him, „I was scared of seeing you, your reaction to me, after Christmas. It really scared the shit out of me. And I wanted to bury myself in a hole before I would talk to you again, but that's just stupid.”
You took a deep breath, “I want to be brave...I don't want to keep hiding from my feelings, if that makes any sense. And I really hate to be so dramatic all the time, so I said 'fuck it' and came anyway.”
Wow.
He really wanted to say it; tell you, how impressed he was by your ability, to convince yourself and get back to your feet and whatever, but he was actually too stunned now.
“You didn't even do anything wrong, honestly.”, you added then, “It was just bad timing. I'm not really holding it against you.”
He was confused, why he wasn't second-guessing everything you were saying. Of course there had been other instances before, where he hadn't trusted every single word you were speaking, out of pure habit, but he wasn't as reluctant, to believe you. Not in the past and not right now either.
“You came for me?”, he asked carefully.
You nodded.
“For us.”
And then it hit him like a truck.
Selfish.
He wanted it. He wanted to believe this, because he wanted it all to be true. A part deep inside of him wanted nothing more but for you to be all he needed. An easy solution to his hurt- a light so bright it blinded his doubts and memories. A smile that was his- a heart that belonged to him. A person, that wanted him. A person that could soothe his guilt, because only they had the right to do so.
You were the exception. No one but you had survived him. If it was a coincidence or not, it felt more like fate than anything.
Those smudged, grimy corners of his mind were slowly washed away by the gentle look in your eyes, the longer he observed you.
“Do you like her enough, to be selfish for once?”
A grin appeared on your face, as your eyes wandered down, „You look really nice, Sergeant .“
He frowned, when you fumbled with your coat, “Did that little sip get to you already?”
You only hummed once and Bucky was about to make another remark, until you revealed your choice of wear for this party.
He hadn't even paid your appearance any mind overall, but when you slipped the jacket off with another grin, Bucky felt his mouth go dry.
Your hair was pinned up, leaving your neck completely bare. Small crystals where shining on your earlobes, through the few curls of your hair, that were framing your face. The dress hugged your upper body like a second skin, flowing out over your curves to end somewhere higher up your thighs. You didn't wear any tights this time. There was nothing to conceal those soft, smooth legs from him...
And there was also something else catching his attention.
„You're... sparkling?“
„Oh, it's body glitter. I found it in Nat's bags. Thought it would be fun, I never used something like that. And since I was already going all out of my comfort zone, I didn't exactly worry about looking stupid...“, you mused, a hand brushing over your neckline, „Or...is it too much?“
„No“, he pressed out, trying not to stare at all of the skin right on display.
And there was so much of it.
„Solros!“, someone yelled over to you both, „Oh my god, you came!“, Natasha cheered, when she ran up to you, just to take you in for a hug.
You were very obviously confused by her emotional outbreak, not used to her being so sappy, „Yes, I had to show the world this nice dress you picked out for me... remember, that you threatened to burn all my plants, if I don't?“
„No idea what you're talking about“, she shook her head.
„Agent rookie!“, another Voice called out when the others one by one finally noticed you.
Tony was waving his arms around, very clearly drunk, “Get over here, we've been waitin' for you!”
Bucky was a bit disappointed, as you rushed to meet them, but when he saw the entire picture of your body from behind, he almost lost his balance.
So sinfully short. And those straps-
„You picked the dress?“, he asked Natasha.
„Uh-huh“, she nodded, smirking, „Good choice, am I right? I figured, you would like it.“
„I need another drink.“, he said and walked away.
Tony was showing you off like some prized possession to Thor and Banner, claiming that he'd fixed you up and made you into the presentable agent you were today. Thankfully you weren't minding it too much and simply tried to balance Tony's bragging with being a bit more humble towards those people you didn't even know.
Bucky caught a snippet of your sentence, when you were telling Thor about being a lightweight and then saw you glancing over towards him.
Damn...that alone let his heart race again.
“Nonsense!”, Thor bellowed and pushed his glass into your hands, “I say we test that, before making any assumption!”
You chugged it down like it was nothing, only making another face by the end and handed him the glass back, whereupon he broke into another echoing laughter.
Steve had also made his way into the conversation by then, eyes wide and cheeks burning red, when he'd realized, what you were wearing. He reaffirmed, that it was the alcohol, but Bucky knew better.
He knew exactly what Steve was feeling.
And he couldn't even hold it against him. That dress was nothing but a magnet to anyone who wasn't blind. Jesus...
„She actually came“, Stark sighed, when he returned to the bar, to fill himself another glass of whatever the hell was making him so drunk, „I was so scared that Thor would turn up at the complex, after I promised him to meet her.“
„Well, I'm thankful she came then“, Sam muttered as he sipped on his own drink, „And she's already back in her element.“
He wiggled his eyebrows as they watched Natasha and Wanda drag you into the crowd, to dance with them.
„Crazy, to think just a few hours ago she was so dramatic, only to now be the life of the party.“, Stark laughed.
„She wasn't dramatic.“, Bucky said and gave him a stern look.
„Hold your horses. I don't know what was going on, but I come back from my perfect holiday with my beautiful fiancee and suddenly she doesn't talk to anyone, and no one knows why? I call that dramatic. And I'm the biggest drama-queen of us all, I can say that with my full chest.“
„She had her reasons“, Sam snickered and slapped Tony onto the chest, to which he had to hold onto the edge of the counter, „She's still your responsibility, Mr. supervisor. Be nice.“
„I don't think she's my responsibility anymore.“, he nodded towards the dance floor.
Bucky followed his eyes and his body tensed even further, when he saw that Steve had joined into the joyful dance of the girls. Natasha was very obviously trying to spur you on, with every touch on your body and grab of your hips, to synchronize you with her movements, just to mess with Steve, who was starting to get really overwhelmed by being so close to you.
„Huh...interesting“, Pepper said on the other side of him. He hadn't even realized she was there at all until now.
„Who does she remind me of?“, Tony mused to himself, squinting his eyes as he crossed his arms in front of his chest.
„Shakira?“, Sam raised an eyebrow as he studied your movements.
“Young Britney Spears.”, Tony tapped a finger to his chin, as if he was seriously trying to find a connection to your style of dancing.
„Her mother was from Oklahoma, right? Any Hispanic origins?“, Tony pondered.
„You really shouldn't think like that. That's weird, man.”, Sam's next look towards tony was absolutely incredulous, “And we got no idea, who her biological father was anyway, so her origins are just a mystery.”
Bucky watched all three of them slowly lay their head to the side in wonder and started to doubt their common sense.
Even if he would've agreed on this situation being...interesting, as Pepper had called it.
He was about to thank the lord, that the next song wasn't as sensual or fast anymore, but then he saw you lay your arms around Steve, begging him to keep dancing with you for a bit longer. Bucky's first instinct, was to look away and pretend this wasn't happening, to calm the jealousy, that usually came up in moments like this, until he noticed your eyes searching for him.
And his face dropped.
You were challenging him with a grin, raising one eyebrow as if to say: This could've been you.
This world really was cruel.
It was so clear, that you were letting them pay for their teasing in Brooklyn. And probably everything else, they'd ever done to you in these last weeks. Simultaneously.
Because while you were clinging to Steve and tried to actually snuggle up as close as possible, whenever you could, your eyes would always return to Bucky- a sultry smile on your lips.
Every bit of your lip; every time your fingers were hiking your dress up; every touch upon Steve's chest and his arms was planned and performed in absolute awareness.
Bucky couldn't help himself, he wasn't even hiding, how entranced he was, whenever your or Steve's hands were roaming over your body. Steve's lips were constantly agape at this point, a smile- of a man way too innocent for such a dance -on his face.
His face felt hot. And his mind was definitely as overwhelmed with the sight as Steve's. Visibly.
And Bucky couldn't even be mad about Steve to feel you up like that, when it gave him perfect access, to watch more of your body.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Yeah, it wasn't the dress, that was the sin.
It was you. You and those goddamn curves; those enchanting movements and the softness underneath your dress, that was being revealed with every other touch of either his friend or yourself.
He was doing his absolute best to stay away, but god- it wasn't easy, no. Especially not, when he'd been waiting to see you so desperately these last days. There was so many things he didn't get to say yet. And they were burning stronger on his tongue, than any alcohol ever could.
It was enough, to see that you were having your fun on this party for Bucky. Your presence had cleared a good portion of his foggy mind up by now and he was more than glad, to stay on the sidelines, whenever your legs were starting to entice him a bit too much. Or your shoulders.
Or your back...or that beautiful neck.
It was easier from afar, but every now and then you would search for him and stay for a drink or a chat, with whoever Bucky stood with in that moment. Always leaning into him or simply laying a hand to his arm or even stomach, to keep close. Like he didn't already have enough trouble with your awfully tempting scent.
There was never enough time to talk or get his thoughts in order fast enough, before you'd be gone again, but he wasn't really mad about it. Your touch would always remain in the exact spot for minutes longer, like a part of you was still with him. It calmed him. Let him start to enjoy the night, as if it protected him.
Outside the fireworks were picking up around midnight and everyone gathered at the windows to watch them, while Bucky stood back, still slightly frightened by the loud noises and flashing lights.
His attention remained on you, as you marveled at the colors and shapes that shot through the sky. But then you turned around, confused and even a bit helpless, until you found him. Steve- who'd been right beside you this entire time- followed your gaze. Bucky knew, that Steve wasn't interested in actually watching the firework either. They both had their problems with this type of stuff. And it was that understanding, that let his friend bend down, to whisper something into your ear.
Bucky frowned, when you paled a bit and then rushed over towards him in your cute little shoes.
“Hey”, you huffed, when you came to a stand, “Wanna go somewhere else? It's a bit more private up there, I think.”
You pointed towards one of the stairs that led onto the second floor of the level.
“I'm okay, you can go back and-”
“I wanna count down with you, Bucky”, you smiled and his heart skipped another beat.
How could he ever say no to you?
Still, he felt bad that you were up there with him, instead of being with the rest of the team- your friends. But he was incredibly thankful, when he realized, how much less he could hear and see of the fireworks from this spot. It was generally pretty quiet and no other guests were on that floor either. So he had you all to himself now.
If he wouldn't have been so scared.
“I've come really far”, you suddenly said and he pried his eyes away from the scene of the guests below the railing, to see you looking directly at him, “This last year was the most I've ever had to work in my entire life, but I'm so glad, that I did...I'm so glad I'm here with you all.”
He swallowed, when your eyes were shining so brightly even here in the dark.
You linked your arms around his and Bucky's breath stuttered, when you leaned against him, like he was some stuffed animal to cuddle, “I want to stay...I really want to stay here forever, you know?”
“You do?”, he asked, his voice barely working with him.
You lifted your head back up from his shoulder, a hint of sadness in your eyes “I feel like I belong here.”
He was so mesmerized by you and the way your warmth was filling him out, that your words were only slowly catching up to him. But then his heart crumbled into a mess.
“You do belong here. You belong to us.”
To me.
He couldn't even imagine a future without you anymore, not after everything; not after you had given him so much hope for a new life- a new beginning. Now that he knew who he was and what he wanted.
And you were a part of that, he wanted you more than anything else. He wanted to be selfish.
He was selfish for you.
Downstairs, the rest of the gathering was slowly starting to count down the seconds until midnight and Bucky's mind was starting to race and pound with the vision of a future with you.
Ten. Nine.
„Want to wish for something?“, he asked with a shiver going over his skin.
Six. Five.
„I already got what I wished for“, you said with a soft smile, showing him just how many emotions were swimming behind your eyes; let him see you so vulnerable that it made his knees go weak as your hands enclosed his face, “A new year...a new life...”
He stilled.
Two.
“One”, your breath grazed over his lips, just before you closed the moment with a kiss. The connection formed so painfully slow. But his heart was guiding him, before reality had even caught up to his brain and he melted into it.
All those unspoken words and feelings; the truth he hadn't been able to voice yet; his longing; his heart- he laid it all out before you, let it seep into this kiss, let it linger on your lips like it was his only wish.
The world was silent around him, when he pulled you closer, enraptured by the feeling and the taste of you. Your lips were so warm and tender, just like his heart. It was beating faster with every second, painfully tight.
You smiled into the kiss, when he couldn't help but squeeze you in his arms, as if this feeling was completely taking him over and his entire body was going weak in that moment. It almost fell apart, with the tiny gasp you let out for him.
He shivered, whenever your hands moved over his neck, whenever they so gently brushed over his jaw and face, as if you had to ensure, he was real.
And even though the kiss wasn't as long as he had wished it to be, it still felt like an eternity before you let go of him. Your breath was fanning over his lips once more, when you steadied yourself. And your chest was heaving when you leaned back.
„I didn't know you were such a good kisser, James“, you whispered, searching for his eyes and his heart stopped at the name you used for him, „I thought you didn't take any of those dates, that Sam tried to set you up with?“
Same as on Christmas...that name, they way you said it... Tone and voice laced with absolute endearment.
Did you see James in him? Was that who he was to you? Why?
„Some things you probably never unlearn.“, he said, his own voice low and quiet as if it could destroy the moment "Just needs the right person."
It was all so perfect. Your sweet laugh, the tiny spark in your eyes as you tried to keep yourself from grinning at him. He never wanted this moment to end.
„I think I'm a bit drunk“, you whispered, giving him such a sheepish look, that his insides almost melted into a puddle.
„Me too“, he said, even though that was far from true. He'd never been this sober; never had such clear thoughts.
There was a call from downstairs and you broke apart in a panic, shoving him with a strength, that pushed all air from his lungs.
Sam was coming halfway up the stairs, brows raised, “Ah...I see you're both here.”, Bucky swore to see his lips twitch, when he scanned him over, „Get movin', we're taking a picture, you gotta be in it“.
„A picture?“, Bucky snarled in disbelief.
No way had he just fucked up this perfect moment for a picture.
„Fury is drunk as hell, we are SO gonna hang that up in our lobby, just imagine“, he broke out into laughter, still cackling as he went back down, without sparing them another glance.
„You think he saw us?“, you asked with such a terrified look on your face, he nearly felt bad.
„So what?“
„I don't want everyone to nag us about it I-“, you tried to find the right words, „I want this to be our own thing...“
He nodded, „Sure...we can take our time, right?“ Maybe that was actually better for now. He didn't have it in him, to explain this to Steve.
„Right“, you sighed, smoothing your dress, to make sure you were presentable, “Let's go th-”, he grabbed your hand and pulled you back into him once more. Just a short kiss, nothing as dramatic, but he felt his heart sear away, when you gave into it. He needed to keep this one as a reminder, when he went down there. He needed to remember everything about your lips, before he would never get a chance to kiss you again.
You didn't say anything, when he parted and only linked your hand with his, before tugging him along. But he saw you trace your lips with your fingers every now and then, as if you were just as skeptical of this all being real.
chapter summary/ tags/warnings: shopping, gifts and wet dreams - what a nice Christmas
Series Masterlist <- !general tags will be found here!
Chapter 18
You blinked, “Bruce?”
Natasha nodded, waiting for Pepper to exit the store, before she let go of the door, “Yup. He's an old friend.”
„Right, I knew that but...I thought no one knew where he was?“, you asked them.
„Yes, for a while. But another friend picked him up and took him in. You know Thor?“
„You mean the god? The one that fought with you against his own brother? Tall blonde and massive?“, you raised your eyebrows.
„Exactly. So, turns out him and Loki are back to being buddies again. They got Bruce to earth and then decided to stay for a while. Tony invited them for his new-years party.“
„And that's why I need a dress“, you concluded the thought process.
„Well, yes and no. I think, having a few dresses is always good, you never know what you might need it for. And to think you didn't even have one, ugh“, Pepper shook her head at the thought of your fairly empty wardrobe.
„Okay, I get it. It's not that I don't want to wear them at all, but I literally didn't have a single situation in the last few years, where I would've needed one.“
„Now you do.“, Natasha stated as she cut you off to enter yet another store, „Trust me, I don't like this either, but I can't let you come to that party with jeans and a t-shirt.“
„I could've worn a dress-shirt to my jeans“, you mumbled as you followed her, but you didn't mind them helping.
You had been to a few shops already, but none of those had been close to formal or pricey enough for Pepper.
She wanted you to get the full experience, when you visited the Stark-Tower. And with all the guests coming, it might've been the better choice to fit in, than rely on the few clothes you owned.
„This is the one, I can feel it“, she said, while she walked through the aisles of displayed clothes, eyes zoning in on a bunch of dresses here and there along the way .
„You said that about the last three as well“, Natasha mumbled as she looked at some of the more classic variants of a cocktail dresses.
You were so lost in these stores. The only dress you'd ever needed to pick out so carefully was the gown for your junior-high prom. Which had been much easier than this, apparently.
„I'll look over there“, you said and waved towards another corner of the pristine store, „Pick whatever you think fits me, I'll just try it all on.“
Easier to let them decide. If you had to choose by yourself, it would end in a disaster, you were not fit for shopping at all. Your trip with Pepper back in summer was enough evidence for that.
After a while of looking through the store, both of them took you to the dressing room.
There were a lot of black and generally dark colored dresses, which wasn't necessarily your thing-
But you wanted to trust their judgment. Hopefully none of it would look all too horrendous.
You slipped in and out of a bunch of dresses, your skin already irritated from all the friction and the different types of fabric and they still hated each one. Just like in every other store.
„No...“, Pepper said, watching you turn around for them, „This isn't working. Why do none of these work?“
„Maybe I'm just too ugly for fancy dresses“, you let your shoulders slump with a sigh, officially ready to give up.
They both looked at you in shock.
„Do you ever actually think before you speak?“, Natasha said and held back a laugh.
„Sometimes. Got someone else doin' that for me.“
“Maybe we should ask your friend for an opinion then, if we want to ever leave this hell.”, Natasha gestured around the store.
I'd say, I have a good eye for these things. She's right
The Khalia sent you a nightmarish picture of flouncy skirts and puffy sleeves.
Yeah, definitely not.
'We're not joining some Victorian ball, it's just a nice little party with friends', you thought, imagining to actually hear the Khalia scoff.
Little and Party in one sentence in relation to Anthony Edward Stark is the biggest joke of the century
You rolled your eyes, ignoring the next suggestions they lined up in your mind.
„You have a great figure, that's not the problem. Your hair is also fine, your shoulders are proportional, cute face and good posture...maybe you have to try on some shoes with them?“, Pepper mused as she inspected you.
„Or I need a different color.“, you started toying with the seam of the current dress you were wearing with their attention and Peppers casual compliments leaving you all nervous.
They both hummed, thinking about it.
„Sure, something brighter. Maybe that's more your thing.“
„Hopefully“, you snickered.
Of course, black was the easiest variant to find. They had a much bigger selection for those. Soft and light, or even pastel and color overall were pretty hard to find outside of the kids section. You hated, that it was so looked down upon, to express a different style in this day and age. New York was already such a huge city- a cluster of cultures and personalities- and yet you saw the dull, edged life seep through everywhere. Colors weren't even anything crazy to begin with and you still thought it could be too much, just from the looks you received from one of the employees you'd asked for help.
Beige and silver was all they showed you. That was it. That was their best apparently.
Until Natasha appeared before you out of nowhere, a dress in her hands, that looked so out of place in this store, that you questioned, if she'd stolen it from another one.
“What do you think?”
You scanned the design, eyes narrowing with every bit you took in. Those were the tiniest shoulder straps you'd ever seen so far.
„That will never secure any of this“, you gestured towards your chest.
„Oh, please.“, she scoffed and shoved the dress into your arms, „Just try it on before you judge, we don't have that many options.“
You sighed and made your way back into the dressing room area.
And you judged.
„This is so...“
„Pretty“, said Natasha.
„Cute“, Pepper added with a few approving nods.
„Revealing“, you stated, turning away from the mirror towards them, pointing your fingers down the sides, where the fabric reached just enough around your ribs and waist to cover your chest. The whole back was open, except for a few straps that were running crosswise like a corset.
„It is a bit short, yes. But the fabric looks really nice, and the color suits you.“
At least Pepper had something positive to say for once.
„You should take it.“, Natasha said as well.
„Are you serious?“, you gaped at them.
„It's perfect, honestly. It has it all, its nice and flowing and has a little bow in the back where you tie the strings and a low neckline, a very flattering spot for a necklace.“
„I don't have any jewelry.“, you said and they fell silent, staring with blank faces.
„Didn't you two go shopping together?“, Natasha asked Pepper in a hushed tone.
„We did, but I didn't know she had literally nothing in her closet, okay?“
„I am still here.“
„Just take it, we can buy another one of the black cocktail dresses if you don't feel comfortable, but this is absolutely you, Natasha is right.“, Pepper nodded to herself as she turned you back around by the shoulders, „Let's also get some shoes, while were already here.“
How? How was this dress you? It was barely a dress in the first place, it was just a cloth of fabric with a few straps.
Natasha held up two dresses behind you, letting you choose between them both for your second option. You groaned, when you snatched one out of her hand, “I'll take this then...whatever.”
It was a warm, dark red like rich wine and velvety to the touch. You tried to remember what it had felt like, in the memory of the likely thousands of dresses you'd worn that day.
„This is just as short“, Natasha pointed out, raising an eyebrow at you.
„Yes, but it has sleeves, and my tits won't fall out if I turn around too fast.“, you smiled and went back inside the booth, to get into your own clothes. Pepper mumbled something about heels and size, clearing her throat as she turned and her steps drifted away from the dressing room.
„Hurry up, we'll wait at the cashier.“, Natasha called through the curtain and you vaguely heard her chuckle, until she too, was gone.
Honestly, it wasn't that bad. The dresses weren't exactly the most comfortable, but they looked incredibly fancy and had some color. A win, nonetheless. So what if the length was a bit...scant? Not like you'd mind anyone seeing your bare legs, it was just skin after all. And not like you wanted anyone to see them...
The entire team would be at the party, so it was likely that Bucky would come. Would be weird if not. Him and Tony might've had their differences here and there, but ultimately Tony never excluded Bucky on purpose.
And if Bucky came and you'd wear that-
Well.
He would be lucky to lay his eyes on you in such a dress
Maybe it was just the thrill of it, but your heart began to beat just a bit faster at the thought of him letting his gaze wander over your back...your thighs...your very much revealed sides and the tightly squeezed flesh of your breasts sitting underneath the bit of fabric meant to conceal absolutely nothing...
„You got everything?“, a Voice shook you out of your thoughts.
The Khalia's spiteful amusement was ringing through your head, when your eyes latched onto Natasha. You felt caught in the headlights with the subtle heat lingering in your middle at the imaginary gaze, that Bucky could give you, if he were to see you on new years. In that fucking dress, that she was carrying in a bag.
Her eyes were glinting, when you muttered a quick thanks upon taking it from her.
„Actually I wanted to go and pick up the present for Christmas. Since I'm already out today, I planned ahead.“
„Ahh“, she grinned, „Should I come with you?“
„No, it's called secret Santa after all.“
„You mean the secret names we swapped on the same evening, because I knew you would want to get Barnes a gift anyway?“
„Nat!“, you hissed, looking back towards Pepper at the cashier, but she didn't seem to have heard you.
„Relax. I don't mind, you know? You guys are really good together. He's gotten a lot more lively since you both spend so much time with each other.“
A pressure was rising in your chest, that made you want to squeal and shake Natasha, but you only gave her a gentle smile and nodded, “Guess that's true. Still, I'd like to go by myself. I don't want you guys waiting for me anyway, you should go on ahead and we'll meet later for dinner.”
„Whatever you say, rookie. Hope you'll find, what you're lookin' for“, she turned and gave you a wave without looking and you could catch Pepper also waving, when she realized, that you wouldn't be coming with them.
Ever since Steve had told you about the record players, him and Bucky had gotten together, you'd imagined what kind of tunes would fill Bucky's room. You'd suspected him being into the actual old stuff- songs from his time and not just any oldies. Steve had mentioned the comfort they experienced with music and nothing had ever fallen easier, than your decision for a present ever since.
A vinyl, preferably from the 40s or down. A song with the same gentle feeling, that he was giving you, whenever he smiled or watched you from afar- those shining, crystal eyes, that held your heart in it's own prison.
You'd looked online at first, but when you'd found songs, that actually fit into your requirements, they were either a remastered version or a collectors edition worth an entire kidney.
Not exaggerated at all
It felt like they were trying to rip you off and you didn't have enough time left, to search every damn store in New York for the few songs you'd found so far either.
This was your last chance, before you would have to spend an actual fortune for Bucky's Christmas present.
Steve and Bucky hadn't paid attention to it, but on your last trip back to the promenade, you'd caught sight of a tiny antique store with a few records on display in the front windows.
And if they were antique, like the store promised, they had to be old, right? So you were hoping at least.
It was quiet when you entered; no customers or anyone behind the counter, which let you believe it was actually closed for a broken second. But just as you'd been about to make yourself known in the silent store, someone appeared behind the counter, stumbling through a door to the back, while fixing the glasses on his nose, “Ah! Welcome, what can I do for you?”
The old man's accent was weirdly familiar, but you couldn't pinpoint it just yet. He smiled brightly, the stray hairs of his mustache twirling even further with the quirk of his lips.
„Hi, uh, I saw you have records in the display up front. I want to buy a vinyl for a...friend of mine“, you said and he immediately perked up, to walk around the counter, as fast as he could.
„I have a few, yes. Most of the things here are brought in by people, who don't need them or see a worth in it anymore, so I only restore what actually works. Those-”, he pointed towards the window, “are broken. But they look nice, right? They do a good job, to make people look, otherwise you wouldn't be here.”, he laughed, searching a shelf somewhere to the side and pulled some records out „I have these, or the ones over there in the box. I just haven't tested them all yet.“
„Are any of these from the 40s?“, you looked at the covers, searching for a date or a year.
„Hmm, no I don't think so.“, he pondered for a moment, and scratched his white beard, „However- if you could wait for a moment.“
He left you there, waddling back to the room he'd emerged from before. You stood there, placing the vinyls back into the shelf, as you heard the creak of another door and the distant sound of a grandfather clock. Was there more stuff in the back?
The man huffed, as he came out with a whole record player in his arms. You hurried towards the counter, eyes wide, “Do you need help?”
He gave you a strained laugh, before placing the player on the counter, “No need, I'm still in shape.”
Then he returned to the back, retrieving one more box with records and put them down next to the player, „No, no, no“, he mumbled as he skipped through them, „no- aha! Here, see? I knew it. This one, come! Listen.“ He excitedly waved you over as he put the record on and then placed the needle, not giving you any time to actually gather what was happening.
A soft, jazzy tune filled the store. The first few notes were a bit crooked, but it soon turned into something warm and fun, leaving you to smile to yourself, “That sounds old...”
„Mhm”, the man nodded proudly, “ If I remember correct, my wife's family bought the track somewhere around 1948. She loved it ever since she'd been a child...“
His eyes sparkled for a moment and he sighed, “We danced a lot to it. Probably every night.”
You ripped your eyes away from the rotating vinyl and frowned, “If it's your wife's favorite, then I'm guessing you're not selling it?”
“My wife isn't with me anymore, caro...she passed away five years ago.”
Your face dropped, „Oh god, I'm so sorry.“
The happiness of finding a perfect song for Bucky immediately vanished.
„Don't be. She was happy and she was ready. And she would have loved for someone to take this song and keep listening to it. We never had any children, so I have no one to pass it on to... and it makes me sad, when I listen to it by myself.“, he gave you a bittersweet smile, letting the song play for a little moment longer, “I want to make sure, that someone will take care of it in the future, so I'll sell it.”
A heavy stone sat in your stomach, when you imagined this man before you standing in an empty apartment, dancing all by himself in the dark of the night. You could understand his reasoning, but it felt wrong to even think of taking this song from him, if it had been so precious to someone in his life.
Someone he'd been so dedicated to, that he'd danced with her every night... While one could say, it was natural for a married couple, you were genuinely in awe.
It was a love song after all. It was made for heartfelt moments and romantic settings. Would that be something you could gift to Bucky?
You saw it before you- his younger version, with that sweet boyish grin and sparkling eyes. Golden light of a kitchen lamp and a loosened tie around his collar, spinning his girl around to this song. Maybe even his wife... shameless flirting and non-stop teasing.
That's what this felt like. It did feel like him...
Your heart ached, when you started to imagine yourself in his arms. A dress according to his time and not something as skimpy as the ones you were carrying around in a bag right now. Would he have liked you? Before the war? Before loosing his spark?
You didn't notice the shop owner staring, until the song was entirely over. Only when you cleared your tight throat, did he lean his head to the side.
„Is this for someone more than just a friend?“, he asked.
Your eyes shot back to him, wide and shocked, “Wh- uhm...huh? No, no-no, just a friend, really.”
He gave you a knowing smile, „This is not a face you make, when you think about a friend, caro. Whoever that person is, you feel more. These kind of songs”, he pointed at the vinyl, “They don't make these anymore. Today it's all about heartbreak and never about how precious it is to fall in love. I fell in love with my wife every day, no matter how long we knew each other. And this look in your eyes- you cannot fool me.“
You swallowed.
If it was that obvious, had any of the others' noticed as well? Or was this man just incredibly good in depicting emotions?
„And if you found someone, that likes to listen to something like this, keep them, caro.“, he smiled again and then slid the record back into it's cover.
You blinked at him, debating what to say- how to deny what he'd revealed. But was that really necessary? You didn't actually know him and you knew, he was right... you felt more for Bucky. You felt like this song represented exactly what you experienced, whenever you two were close.
„Okay...I'll take it“, you nodded, still nervous, but just as dedicated.
If there was any of that peckish, charming boy left in Bucky, he would love this song. He had to.
„Good“, the man said, “I'll just quickly wrap it up, so it doesn't break on the way.”
While he rummaged through the cabinets behind the counter, you let your eyes drift through the store again, eyes remaining on another shelf not far from you. It was a collection of books, not as old as some other things in this store, but the title on the used, black binding let your interest spike.
You'd admitted to Bucky once, that you weren't the biggest fan of reading and he'd gone through the five stages of grief in a matter of seconds then.
“You were missing out on so much”, he'd told you, “There's literal worlds stacked on a shelf and you just have to grab one and get immersed...perfect plan, to flee from reality, if you ask me.”
The Chronicles of Narnia
He loved fantasy; he'd talked about all the stuff he still needed to finish and one specific thing you remembered, were these books. Was it a sign, that you saw them now? Was the vinyl the wrong choice maybe? But he probably already had the books, so it would be a waste to-
You took a step forward, fingers brushing over the back of the books, grazing the golden font. What if you bought them for yourself? If you read them, to find, what he saw in these worlds?
Without another thought, you pulled the collection out of the shelf and brought them over towards the counter, where the owner had just finished up with the packaging and his eyebrows wandered up, when you put the books down before him.
“Those are custom”, he pointed out, just as excited, “I was going to put them on ebay next, since no one ever spared them a glance. But I know, there's people, who would love to get their hands on these.”
“How much?”, you frowned, hoping that it wouldn't make too big of a dent in your wallet.
“Oh, for you?”, he made a face, deep in though, “On the house.”
You gaped, “Sorry?”
“The song is made for you, caro. You deserve love, you're still so young“, he patted the back of your hand as you gave him a confused look, „My wife would be so happy, if she knew her favorite song made it into someone else's heart...I can't take any money from you. Not from you...“
You blinked, “No. No you can't just give this all to me for free, that's-”
He broke out into laughter, when you frantically searched your bag for your wallet and fumbled with the money inside.
“You take it and make something of it. That is more than enough for me. And if your friend likes it”, he shrugged his shoulders, “Then come back and tell me about it. I'd love to know, how long you will stay friends.”
He reached for your frantic hands then, stopping you from your attempt to pay him. You were way too stunned by his friendliness, you couldn't even get a proper word out at first.
“I'll- I'll come back”, you huffed, “I'll come and tell you, how it went. Thank you so much.”
It was night, when you stepped onto the clearing, but the trees surrounding it were all adorned with pretty lights and sparkling strings of tinsel, so that it was still rather bright.
Pine and cotton filled the air; soft remains of fresh laundry and a hint of...cinnamon? He wore a white button up, the tie loose around the collar and his fancy shoes shining in the flat grass.
And his eyes-
So wide and wondering, like he was seeing you for the very first time.
“Is this my present?”, he asked, taking a step towards you, when you halted.
His gaze wandered over you, taking in the taut fabric, that was hugging your body.
“Well, do you think you deserve a present?”, you teased, smiling sweetly, even when your knees began to buckle under his inspection.
One of his hands traced the edge of the dress, brushing along the skin of your waist and over the connecting straps of your back, chuckling, when you shivered under the touch, “I was nice this year...or would you say otherwise? Do you think I've been naughty?”
Even here, your throat was dry. You tried to wet your lips, before speaking again, but within the blink of an eye, he caught them in a hasty kiss; plunging his tongue into your parted mouth, like it belonged to him.
The clearing around you was warping in new colors and lights, as if it was just as confused as you.
He pulled you against him, hips meeting yours. Then his hands worked on untying the bow in the back of your dress, letting the mesh of straps and ties fall apart in a matter of seconds.
“Here?”, you breathed, barely getting the words out, with the feverish kisses he was giving you.
“Where else do you want to go?”, he chuckled, sparing your swollen lips for a moment and turned you around with him.
The clearing vanished entirely and made way for the narrow staircase of the rooftop, where he lifted you up by the thighs, to push you flush against the wall, “Is this more to your taste?”
A gasp escaped your lips, when he leaned down, teeth grazing the tender skin of your neck.
The hard surface in your back softened and a blinding light was shining down on you as he lifted himself from your throat, “Or maybe something brighter and friendlier?”
You were laying in another field, the sun high on the sky and a warm wind drifting through the wheat surrounding you both.
“I don't actually care”, you muttered, slinging your hands around the back of his neck, to pull him down.
He grinned into the next kiss, “You sure?”
The heat which had been tickling your bare skin before, was gone all of a sudden and you were shrouded by shadows again, when he rolled over.
Your chest was heaving, heart beating so hard, that you could hear nothing but your own pulse in your ears. He smiled up at you, eyes softening, when you straightened out.
It was a room this time. Similar to your own back when you'd moved into the complex. Pale moonlight was filtering through the thick curtains, melting atop the covers on the bed he was laying in.
“Seriously, I don't care, where we are”, you hummed, shifting to fully straddle him, “I only want to be with you.”
A hand was pressed flat to your stomach, moving up over the smooth fabric of your dress, until his fingertips reached the neckline. It fell like a petal, giving away with a soft breath, to reveal your chest, when he gently tugged at it.
His eyes trembled in the darkness as he traced the underside of your breast with a thumb, “Beautiful...as always, sweetheart.”
Your pulse was still racing, when you slowly opened your eyes, blinking against the light that was now falling in through your own blinds. A groan rose in your throat, when you shifted to lay on your back, frustration growing in your entire body, when you realized, how soaked your underwear was, that it was stuck to your skin.
“Shit”, you whispered, squeezing your eyes shut in shame and desperation.
Was this normal? At this point you needed a fucking doctor or something...
I think it's an improvement, to have you waking up wet with heat instead of wet with tears, don't you think?
You sat up, careful to not cause any more friction to your basically twitching hips, “This isn't an improvement to anything...would've sufficed, to stop shaking with terror first thing in the morning.”
I'm sure lot of people have wet dreams, when they're in love
You groaned again, but it turned into a whine halfway through, as you shuffled over to the edge of the bed, “I need to give Bucky my present today, how am I supposed to keep my shit together, when I dream something like that?”
Don't forget, that you have a full dinner to sit through first. Enough time to awkwardly stare and blush for him...like usual
Right.
“Thanks for reminding me”, you bit out and got up.
Bucky receiving your gift was nice in theory, but now that you imagined him listening to this song, this love song, you really started to question your logic reasoning. What had come over you in that store, to even consider this?
You spent the entire morning of the 25th in the shower, scrubbing your skin so hard, that it was close to falling off by the end. But even that couldn't distract your mind from the dream. It wasn't every single night, but often enough, that you would call it obsessive. Unhealthy.
The fucking dress stared back at you, when you opened your closet and another rush of electricity struck through your center, when you remembered the fingertips on your waist.
You could never wear this, no chance. Now you had to throw it out...
Unless-
“No unless, it has to go!”
But you left it on the coat hanger and only grabbed a pair of sweatpants and some wide hoodie, to conceal yourself and bury your shameful body underneath.
Wanda and Vision were ushering around in the kitchen, when you came out of your room and Vision smiled at you, “Had a nice rest?”
You smiled back, praying, that the Khalia would protect your dream from Wanda's nosy powers and said: “Very nice.”
No one else was in the kitchen or even the lounge, but them. And you knew why. No one was interested in helping with dinner.
“Steve, Sam and Bucky left together.”, Wanda stated, when you kept glancing around the room, “They're coming back around noon, they said.”
Relief flooded you.
That meant, you wouldn't have to freak out any time soon and could simply go on about your day. At least until sunset, when everyone would return for the very typical American Christmas dinner.
You'd never eaten a turkey on Christmas before, but you were sure, that it would be great, judging from Wanda being so fussy about the recipe.
“Need any help?”, you asked, as you sat down at the counter, picking one of your self made sugar-cookies from the plate you'd put out for everyone to eat.
“I don't think so”, Wanda answered, “We got everything under control so far.”
You hummed, careful to not leave any crumbs on the counter-top.
“Are you going to wear your new dress tonight?”, she asked over her shoulder then and you almost choked on your next bite.
Vision was with you in no time, gently patting your back.
“M-my dress? Why?”, you choked out.
She turned, one eyebrow raised, “Wasn't that what you went shopping for? A dress for fancy functions?”
“But it's just Christmas”, you said, watching her brows knot into stern look.
“Just Christmas?”, her tone was a warning, “It's a celebration of family and friends, so I want us all to celebrate and not sit around like every other goddamn day of the week.”
You ducked your head, curling your lips in embarrassment, “Okay, yeah...you're right.”
Fuck. You only had those two dresses...you couldn't possibly wear one of those. Maybe the jeans and button up combo was fine for this occasion?
Red is a nice color for Christmas
You held off on rolling your eyes at their thought.
A bit of shade on your eyes, some gloss on your lips and a pair of tights might work wonders
That didn't actually sound as bad as you wanted it to.
“Do you have any tights?”, you looked at Wanda, scanning her face, when she contemplated, why you were asking.
“I do...you need any?”
You nodded and a smile appeared on her lips, as if she could exactly tell, what your idea was, “Great. Come on, I'll show you, what I have- Vision?”
Said man snatched his hand away from your back, when she mentioned him, “Yes?”
“You stay and keep an eye on the turkey, we'll be right back.”
A few hours later, you sat at your desk, which was littered with pallets and cases of makeup. Your face was still bare though, because you had no idea how to apply any of this stuff.
And the stress was eating away at you, letting your fingers shake, whenever you tried to start.
It will be fine
„How would you know? Not like you ever had a crush on someone, you don't understand this.“, you sighed, putting the brush back down.
How would you know?
It was laughing at you, at your misery.
As always.
I'll distract you with some music
You were about to decline that offer, but it was already too late. A cheery tune started echoing through your thoughts- some song from ages ago. Something about falling in love, of course. Because you absolutely needed a reminder, of the mess you were currently sitting in.
“You suck.”
But the annoyance was overshadowing the nervousness by far and it actually helped to settle your nerves enough, that you could concentrate on your fingers keeping still.
And by the time, that you were singing along to the never ending jingle in your head, you looked like a completely new person.
“Wow”, you said, “Think they'll recognize me?”
The dress will confuse them enough, trust me
“Maybe it's too much”, you looked down to the hem of your dress and tugged at the mesh of Wanda's tights, “Maybe I should wear jeans after a-”
On cue, you heard Wanda call for you through the hallway, asking if you could help her set the table.
What a coincidence...
You sighed in acceptance.
The trio- which had fled the complex, to not be forced to get involved in the process of making dinner- had made their appearance not long after you'd dared yourself out of your room, but at least you weren't standing before Bucky all by yourself.
Otherwise you would've melted under his intense gaze.
“You got any plans later?”, Sam's eyebrows shot up to the ceiling, when he took you in, “Damn, you look really good.”
Steve, who was mingling close behind him, didn't say anything, but his eyes were as wide as Bucky's.
“It's Christmas”, you mumbled, with a glance towards Wanda, who was grinning from ear to ear, “Thought I should make an effort for once...”
Steve was the only one out of them, that also wore something nice. Sam and Bucky were looking as casual as ever. And you could tell, that Bucky was regretting it, whenever his eyes flickered between Steve and Wanda and even you sometimes.
It was getting hard, not to notice him staring every now and then, during the meal. The mood was still lighthearted and festive though, no matter how hot you were feeling at some point. Food was great too. And everyone was so incredibly happy, that you couldn't care about any of your worries anymore...
Even Bucky had smiled every now and then, a light tint on his cheeks, when you'd met his eyes. Or maybe that was just your imagination, because you also saw it in Steve's face a few times.
Keep tellin' that to yourself
„Okay, who goes first?“, Sam asked as everyone settled down in the lounge after dinner. You sat on a small sofa with Steve and he even let you lay your legs over his lap, to get more comfortable, while the others took place in their own chairs.
„I'd say we go from youngest to oldest.“, Wanda prompted, looking at Vision.
„Considering, that I am merely a few years old, I will have to start, I assume?“, he smiled as she tried to keep herself from laughing.
She let one of the presents float towards him, „It's from Tony.“
„Let me guess- you also know what's inside all of them?“, Steve mumbled.
“Maybe?”, she shrugged her shoulders with a light smirk.
In the package was just a t-shirt, and as everyone recognized the print on the front, a mutual groan went through the group.
„He got you his own merch?“, you asked, shaking your head in disbelief.
„That's Tony.” , Steve nodded, casually letting a hand rest on one of your ankles, “I remember he got Sam an Iron Man plushy for his birthday last year.“
„Okay, now that we got the most underwhelming present behind us, who's next?“, Sam rubbed his hands together.
Wanda let her own present float over. It was neatly wrapped and had a little bow on top. And considering Sam's bright grin, it must've been from him. A book. A collection of Slavic fairy tales, more precisely .
„Thank you, Sam.“, she smiled, gently brushing her fingers over the binding, „This looks old, where did you get it?“
„Ah, I got my sources, y'know? But try to be careful with the back, I think it's a little fragile.“
„It's great, really. Thank you so much“, her eyes lit up as she scanned over the first pages.
„Y/N, you're next“, Steve said and you let him get up, when he offered to grab it for you.
What a gentleman
He really was...and you couldn't help the giggle, when he handed it over with a quick, “To your service Ma'am.”
But your next breath got stuck in your throat, when you realized, who it was from.
You looked up at Bucky, seeing him nervously shift around in his chair next to Sam.
What were the chances?
Of course, you kind of cheated, but Nat had been the one, to offer you the name...
Bucky had genuinely gotten yours though. At least you hoped so.
I'm telling you, It's fate
You ripped your eyes away from Bucky's and carefully unwrapped the present with slightly shaking hands.
Bed sheets. Soft pastel cotton linen with tiny sunflowers on them here and there.
“Oh my god”, you breathed, smiling so widely, that it almost hurt, “These are so cute...”
You bit down on your lip, when you turned back towards Bucky, to keep the excitement contained, “Thank you so much, I love them.”
He was a bit lost under all the attention, and very obviously perplex about your reaction, “No problem...”
You'd never actually told anyone, how much you hated the standard satin bedding, yet he'd gotten you these... How? Was he just that observant? You'd gotten used to your little blanket, but with this you could actually make something of your bed and finally get the comforter back out of it's hideout.
If no one else had been here, you would've stood up to hug him now, but he would probably be really uncomfortable with that. And Sam already took turn, to unpack his gift, so you simply gave Bucky another quick smile, which he hesitantly reciprocated and then brought your attention back to the others.
Sam had gotten some game for an older console from Clint, “Says his kids approve of it. Great, I'm getting a hand-me-down Mario Kart, huh?”
Vision cleared his throat then, to get his attention, and held up his black tee with Tony's face on it, as if to make clear, that it wasn't the worst gift to receive.
“You're right, at least we can make use of this.”, Sam nodded down at the cover in his hands.
Steve's was from Nat, since you'd originally pulled him. And you recognized the packaging of his gift right away from the store where you'd gotten your dresses. You bit your tongue, to not tell him, that she might've forgotten his gift and simply went with a last minute decision in that store. Could've as well been planned from her, you didn't know that.
It was a very simple, but high-quality shirt in Navy blue.
“For new years, apparently.”, he said, after reading the little card she'd put in with it.
“Like you don't already have a million of those.”, Sam chipped in.
"It looks very expensive.”, Steve mumbled, making a face then, “I hope she didn't spend too much on it.”
You knew she must've. The prices in that store had been horrendous.
Steve then also handed Bucky his gift, when it was his turn and you sat up completely straight, when he eyed the name on the tag just before Bucky took it from his hand.
“Huh...from Y/N...what a coincidence.”, he quirked a brow at his friend, who's eyes widened.
“What, really?”
He hadn't meant to speak up, you could see it in the way, that he pressed his lips together right after.
“That's just impossible.”, Sam grumbled, “Who cheated, huh?”
But Wanda shut him up with a soft jab to his shoulder.
„What is it?“, she asked, leaning forward to see better.
Bucky carefully removed the wrapper and caught the enveloped letter you'd packed with the record, before it dropped to the ground.
You tensed, as you imagined him reading it right now. The text might've been a bit too emotional for this setting, maybe you should've written that on the front or something... but he'd already opened it in the time you'd contemplated your decision, to intervene.
“A vinyl”, Wanda hummed, “What a cute idea.”
You shot her a glare, that she only acknowledged with a sly grin. She was having a field day with all your worries.
The crease between Bucky's eyebrows deepened with every line he read and you feared to break out into a sweat any moment, until he finally looked up at you. And he only released a heavy breath. No words or any expression, to calm you, just an exhale, that let his shoulders drop so deeply, as if they'd carried the entire world before.
“Thank-”
He was about to say something, when Sam piped up, “Steve, you got a record player too, right? Let's hear it, come on!”
Your stomach dropped.
„Sure, I can get it, it's not hard to set up“, Steve walked away, leaving you to sit on the sofa all by yourself. Bucky opened his mouth again, and you were hoping, that he would say no, but then his eyes found back to you and he closed it.
Oh no.
„Didn't know you even had an actual music taste“, Sam joked as he propped one of his legs over the other with a smirk.
„I do. And I bet it's a lot better, than whatever the hell you listen to“, Bucky muttered jokingly, which earned him a gasp from Sam.
Steve came back and put the player down onto one of the sideboards by the fireplace and then waited for Bucky, so they could set it all up.
You felt sick, when the melody started to play. That vision of the young James was right back to take you down.
Bucky stared at the vinyl turning under the needle, entirely captured by the tune.
Was that a good sign?
“You guys should dance.”, Wanda stated, leaning back in her chair with an even wider grin than before.
How could she?!
Steve and Bucky both turned around, not as reluctant to the offer, than you'd hoped to see.
“Right”, Bucky said, “Wasn't that the whole purpose of the gift?”
That damn letter...you were wishing to vanish on the spot in that moment, seriously.
“Come on, it's not that hard. I'll show you.”, he walked over to you, holding his hand out for you to take, “I promise, I won't be mad, if you step on my feet.”
The begging look you gave him only seemed to amuse him further, so you took his hand with a sigh.
“Naw, aren't you guys the cutest.”, Sam cooed, exchanging a glance with Steve, who'd let himself down into Bucky's chair.
Your knees were going weak under his eyes, as he pulled you closer. His other hand found to the small of your back, while he adjusted his hold on your hand, “Don't worry, I still know what I'm doin'.”
“Really?”, you asked, voice just as low as his, “Because I sure as hell have no Idea, what I'm doing.”
He guided the slow dance, careful to ease you into the steps, as if he'd never done anything else. And under any other circumstance; with any other man, this might've been incredibly embarrassing. But with Bucky...with his tender gaze and the fond smile, it felt exactly how you had pictured it for him. The world around you turned into a blur, when your mind filled the surroundings in, to complete your delusions and left you and Bucky to sway completely alone. No one to watch you or take notice of all the emotions you held for him.
In this moment- with him so close and his eyes so warm- you finally let your feelings for him take you over.
“Was the right choice.”, you whispered, “I'm glad I got you this song...it was made for you.”
He blinked and then swallowed, when he watched the change in your expression. It was as if he was seeing you for the first time ever, “You think it was...made for me?”
You nodded, feet lighter now, with your fear gone. You slipped your hand out of his and gently laid them both around his face, just as the song was about to end, “You deserve something kind and soft too. I want that for you.”
His own hands found to your hips, smoothly drifting over your sides, as the comfort of the moment reached him as well, “What about you?”
Your breath hitched, when his eyes glossed over, “Would you want something like that?”
“I do...”
The music stopped. And so did Bucky.
“I meant, what I wrote in that letter.”, you said, “I want this happiness for you, James.”
Your face fell, when you realized, that you'd let the wrong name slip and immediately wanted to part from him in sudden shame, but he hugged you then. Tight and desperate.
„Thank you“, he mumbled into your hair, “Thank you so much for this, Y/N.”
You thought, that your legs were going to give out any second, when you felt his heart right against yours...so fast.
It wasn't the right moment, but your chest felt so tight, with these unspoken feelings, that you wanted nothing more, than to whisper your love into his ear and forever stay in this embrace. Let him lean on you- let him find as much comfort in you, as you did in him.
But he parted after a few seconds. Brows knotted tightly all of a sudden. Just for a moment, you could see his eyes dart over to someone else behind you and then he let go. Took a full step back, as if to force distance between the both of you.
„Very good form!“, Sam cheered, scaring you out of the soft moment and you turned to watch the rest of the small gathering.
Wanda's hands were clasped together, but her face was filled with concern. And Steve...
Steve watched you. Confused; maybe even a bit shocked, you couldn't quite discern it.
They had all seen it, hadn't they? They knew.
So why-
Why was Bucky doing everything in his power, to avoid your gaze? Why did he act so uninterested all of a sudden, as if it was that important, to gather the record back into it's cover?
He'd rejected you.
That's not true
Yes- yes, it was. He'd rejected you...nothing about that moment had been simple or fun or normal.
You'd presented your heart on a silver platter and even in that fucking letter and yet he ignored it.
Something gross and heavy invaded you, like a blanket of tar across the love you'd exposed just a second ago and your eyes were burning with oncoming tears.
He knew. He knew and he didn't want you.
“Y/N, hey-”, Wanda stood up, when you slowly- and as undisturbed as possible, made your way towards the hallway.
You waved her off, muttered something about being really tired and then fled from the lounge, as the first tears spilled over your eyes.
It felt like someone had sucked every bit of joy out of you. Every bit of this happiness from these last weeks was entirely gone, from one moment to the other.
A painful sob wrung itself from your throat, when you closed the door behind you. It burned- your heart was burning, writhing in a cold fire. It hurt.
“What is this?”, you gasped, staggering to the couch in the corner, “Feels so wrong.”
It won't last forever...you only have to get used to it again
“But I don't want this”, you sobbed, curling into yourself , tears now fully running over your cheeks and smudging the makeup you'd put on for this evening, “I don't want to feel any of this!”
It will be okay. I promise
“How can you promise anything like that? You've never been in love-”, another sob wrecked you and you clutched a hand over your trembling lips, to keep them down.
The Khalia didn't give an answer. There was only the hint of disagreement underneath your own emotions, that were trying to run you over.
You gave in, when your entire body began to shudder from the pressure within you- when your heart couldn't stem the hurt all by itself anymore, you let go; let your lungs heave with your quiet wails and shivering hands.
This was your own fault. You'd continued to push everything negative away, ever since your emotions had returned and now you felt the consequences. You had occupied yourself with so much fun and exciting things; had asked Steve to stay with you, when the nights had felt too threatening; had searched for light in every dark corner, to keep this away...but now you had to feel.
You hated yourself for being so weak, but nothing could stop the hurt anymore.
This is a part of love
“Then I don't want it”, you sobbed, “Take it back! Take it all back, I don't need any of this, please-”
The Khalia's feelings were crashing through your own for a second, a wave of distress and desperation.
We won't go back there. I will not let that happen. I will never let your heart grow so cold again...
It pushed and prodded at the overwhelming sadness, that was trying to replace every tiny bit of your self; fought against the need to just give up and return to being empty instead, like a one man army. And you had no strength to fight with them anyway...
„C-can't you help me?“, you whispered into the darkness of the room, as the shivers of emotional fatigue were turning into a constant.
You were pulled into sudden sleep, body and mind numb, as it guided you into the meadow. Where it was safe...where no one could hurt you.
The next time you woke up, it was still in the middle of the night, but you were in your bed now. A blanket draped over you and a box with tissues on your nightstand. There was a little note stuck to it's side.
'I'm sorry'
And the bed sheets were placed next to it.
Your heart twisted uncomfortably in your chest, letting your eyes and nose burn again.
“What's he sorry for?”, you breathed.
You should ask him, when you feel better
But you wished, you would never have to talk to him again.
That's okay for now
“At least you're still here.”, you mumbled, shifting to bury your head in the pillow underneath you, “You'll never leave me, right?”
The Khalia immediately let you drift off again, as if it had only wanted you to see the note.
i see grey hair, and children that look like you | bucky barnes x reader
AO3 | Word Count: 2.8k
Bucky is at a desperate crossroads. The life he is leading is unsustainable and any sense of purpose or direction still eludes him. When he enters The Void, he is resigned to his fate. But what if, instead of just seeing his nightmares…he also catches a glimpse of his future?
Tags: Fem!Reader, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Canon Divergence, Time Travel, Domestic Fluff, Married Couple, Slice of Life, Married Life, The Void Shame Rooms, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Thunderbolts!Bucky
Memories plague his senses one after the other.
Of torture. Of demons. Of iron on his tongue and fury crowding his lungs. Bucky charges through them all like a bull.
But he lands in a room he doesn’t recall. His former self is nowhere to be found.
A bedroom. The bed is made, more pillows than blankets. Piled on top of the blues and seafoam greens of the comforter, the fabric lays wrinkled like it knows it will just be mussed again in a handful of hours. Matching bedside tables flank the headboard, littered with personal effects and a novel each, one in near perfect condition, the other weathered and worn with its cover detaching at the spine.
There are photographs. Some faces he knows, some he can’t identify. He finds himself in many. Candids he doesn’t remember being taken. Achievements he has yet to attain. In the centre of them all, wearing a tuxedo, holding a woman draped in white. Hair shorter, grayer, his beard more salt than pepper. His smile lines deeper.
The space is tidy, but lived in. A sock or two left on the rug from a missed toss to the hamper, the closet door left slightly ajar. The rocking chair in the corner with the handmade blanket draped over the back still smells of pine, a bassinet tucked close to the side of the bed. The top of a dresser pushed against the far wall has mostly been converted into a changing table, diapers and wipes stacked next to a jewelry box and some fragrances.
A perfume bottle sits next to his usual cologne.
Bucky tears open the drapes and recognizes nothing of what he sees. A backyard on a rolling hill that sweeps down to an inlet, water sparkling where it laps lazily against the rocky shore. Garden boxes overflowing with flowers, sweet potato vines spilling over the edges, their bright green heart-shaped foliage bringing the world outside further into technicolor. If he craned his neck, he could just see the arm of a porch swing, just hear the chains creaking in the gentle breeze and the wind-chimes hanging from the rafters.
Not a soul in sight. Just the silence of open land and old bones.
Until he hears a voice.
A soft humming coming from somewhere else in the house.
The words are muffled, the accent one he can’t quite place. It’s a voice he swears he’s never heard before, but it settles into his bones like it belongs there, his pounding heart rate slowing to near-resting.
The sound draws closer with the groan of the floorboards until it is right on the other side of the door and he freezes, head snapping to watch as the brass knob turns and the woman from the photographs materializes in front of him.
Bucky’s heart hasn’t skipped a beat like that since 1942.
She wears faded blue jeans and a ratty old t-shirt with a baby nestled into her hip, barefaced and hair messy. There are bags under her eyes, but she smiles brightly.
She is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen.
“Oh, honey! You startled me! You must have snuck past, I didn’t even hear you come in!” She slips past him into the bedroom, and as she does, places a kiss on his stunned shoulder. “I had no idea you had a half-day today. I would have booked us a sitter…” She was talking more to herself than to him as she dug through one of the drawers of the dresser, paying no mind to the gaping hole in the drywall where he had crashed through, pulling out another old shirt that looked suspiciously like one in his wardrobe at home.
Her bare feet planted, Bucky follows with his eyes as she looks him over from head to toe and back again, then sets the baby in the cradle and rounds the bed to the ensuite bathroom. “Keep an eye on her for a minute, please? Just going to change, that girl’s spit-up is no joke.”
And she vanishes again behind the rumble of a barn door, like all of the skeletons he kept locked away so tightly hadn’t just been ripped from the closet moments before.
She reemerges in seconds, hair loose and…yup, that is definitely his shirt. “Well, this is a treat. You look weary, love. It’s good you’re taking a break. I just put a fresh pot of coffee on, so you have perfect timing. Isn’t that right, little one?” she coos, tracing her pointer finger down the bridge of the baby’s nose before scooping her up again and resting her against her clavicle.
Against his better judgement, Bucky follows her like a rip current down the picture-lined hall, through a door that leads, not into another nightmare, but further into the house.
“I hope Bob didn’t give you too much trouble trying to get here,” she rambles, rounding the kitchen island and pouring a cup of coffee onehanded. “He’s a really sweet boy. Still got some things to work through, I think, but he has a good heart. They all do.”
Bucky blanches. “…How do you know about that?”His fingernails bite into his palm, shoulders creeping up toward his ears.
Her mouth curls into a lowercase ‘o’ in a flash of panic. “It’s alright, James. You’re safe here. This isn’t one of your bad memories.”
“No, this…This isn’t my memory at all, it’s…”he breathes. “I’m not supposed to be here. I’m sorry, but I don’t know you.”
She just smiles expectantly. “You will someday. Not long now.” She presses the mug into his palms, prying open his clenched fingers and wrapping them one after the other over the porcelain. Bucky’s brow tightens. It was made just like he always drank it: a heap of sugar and just a dribble of cream.
Bucky looks down at his trembling hands for the first time since he got here. Really looks. The skin around his fingernails isn’t inflamed and peeling where he usually picks at them from the compounding stress. His knuckles aren’t bruised or cracking. Etched right into the vibranium is a wide gold band that’s new, tucked up against the joint of his fourth finger.
“Those…The pictures…This can’t...”
A gust of wind in his general direction could have bowled him over as the pieces come together. Bucky braces himself on the closest chair back. His head swims, heartbeat in his ears and thoughts dying on his tongue. He shakes his head, drilling his eyes shut to make sense of what he is seeing, whether it would all disappear when he opens them.
It doesn’t.
A hand finds hold of his wrist. Featherlight. Steadying. He can feel her pulse hammering through her fingertips.
“Breathe, James,” she appeases. “Come sit down, alright? I’ll explain. Answer as many questions as you have.”
She manages to coax him into the open living room and places the infant into a baby swing, colourful rings and things dangling from the top bar. The little girl snuggles into the cushion beneath her without a fuss and shakes her soft toy contentedly, cooing to herself as it rattles in her miniature fist. The woman then settles at the far end of the couch with her legs tucked beneath her, inviting but granting him distance.
Bucky still hesitates.
The sofa looks like it will swallow him whole, the cushions plush and deep. Another blanket is bundled in a heap on the armrest (there were blankets everywhere in this house it seemed). He reaches out to run the fringed edge between his fingers.
“This is all very strange, I know,” she breaks the silence. “We’re not sure how this happened, just that it did. It took you a long time to believe even that much. I wish I had a more satisfying answer for you. Bob is still getting a handle on his powers, but even now he has no idea.”
Finally. The first thing she’s said that’s made any sense. Bucky tries to rationalize it, but he’s grasping at straws. Time travel is not a new concept to him. He knows the consequences, that the past can change the future. Knowing too much alters the course of history or leaves it shattered in its wake. One small deviation and the world shifts on its axis. His head spins instead.
“There’s probably nothing I can say that will prove it to you, but you are supposed to be here, James. I was starting to wonder when you’d come around, but time’s been a little relative to me these days. Jamie asked me not to spook you when you arrived, though I think I kind of failed at that. It took me a second to realize that you weren’t…you.”
Jamie. He’s hung up on that. Nobody has called him that name in decades, and he can’t help but like the way it sounds when she says it.
“You knew I was coming?”
“Eventually. You and I talked about it not long after we met; what you saw, what it changed for you. Could never pin down what the date was so it was always going to be a waiting game, but I’m glad you’re here now. You look like you could use something peaceful.”
He continues to tread carefully. “Where is this?”
“Our house. Upstate New York. We bought this old fixer-upper on the bay and did all the fixing ourselves. Well, mainly you. I picked paint colours, watched you tear down walls and told you when you screwed cabinet doors on upside-down.”
The room they occupy has a wide bay window that spans almost from floor to ceiling, flooding the space with light. Houseplants thrive in every corner, nook and cranny. A cat tree is set up overlooking the front yard, a fluffy white tail swishing over the edge of the highest perch, unfazed by whoever this strange visitor is in the feline’s house. Bookcases are built into one wall, filled with sci-fi and fantasy and romance novels. More photos are displayed in small frames dotted across the shelving, between alphabetized authors and mementos. His turntable, the only real luxury he owns in his bare-bones DC apartment, sits proud on its shelf, worn by years of use but otherwise exactly the same. A collection of vinyls he could only dream of occupies its own shelf below.
“You built those bookshelves from scratch. I always tell people that we were sold on the house when we saw that wall because it was the perfect place for them, where we could start our library. Felt like we looked at dozens of houses but this place just felt right. Perfectly imperfect.”
“I’m reading again?”
“When you have the time. Right over there,” she points with her sightline to an armchair with a floor lamp curving over it, “with a cup of tea and your little old man reading glasses.”
Bucky huffs out a laugh through the fog.
Oh, her smile. “It’s a good life. Quiet. Your favourite thing to do is take a nap on the couch in the sun with the baby scrunched up on your chest. I want to say that we sleep through the night, but that’s kind of changed as of late. We smile. Laugh a lot.” The list keeps growing. Going to farmers markets on the weekends. Board game nights. Beach days in the summertime. “We try a new recipe every week for dinner and dance in the kitchen. I still step on your toes sometimes. We’re working on finishing the nursery for when this big girl grows out of her bassinet.”
“What’s her name?” he nearly pleads, voice so soft.
“That would ruin the surprise, Bucky!”
“How old is she, then?”
The woman absolutely illuminates with pride. “Almost 3 months now. Runs this whole house. You cried when you held her for the first time. She’s had you wrapped around her finger from the day she was born.”
“…Wasn’t sure if…they did something to me. Never knew if I’d even be able to have kids.”
“Neither did I. She’s our little miracle.”
His daughter’s bright blue, undeniably-Barnes eyes peer up at him without an ounce of fear for the man crusted in dirt and dust. Bucky doesn’t need to know her name to know that he’ll adore her, can’t take his eyes off of her. Something so small, so fragile, yet trusts him completely. To his daughter, he isn’t a soldier or a vigilante. He’ll just be Dad, when the only thing he’ll have to fight is the monster under the bed.
Bucky swears he sees her smile at him, and his ribs cave in.
“She just started doing that last week. All gums, smiling up atcha like you’re her whole world. I hope she never grows out of that.”
Neither does he.
Bucky marvels in it, this place, this safe haven that he had supposedly helped build, helped make warm and comforting and whole. Someone wanted him. For all the hurdles he crossed, all the evils he fought, someone saw this shell of a man and chose him. Built a life with him. Had a child with him.
But the more he looks around, he sombers. Shrinks.
“Hey, I know that look. What is it, James?”
“…I feel like I don’t deserve this.”
“Hey, none of that. You’re wrong. You have earned this and so, so much more, but for now this is what makes you happy. I’ll remind you as many times as you need me to.”
Tears begins to leech into his five-o’clock shadow as his shoulders begin to quiver.
This woman, this incredible woman, had been trying to keep her distance not to spook him. He saw how her fingers twitched, how she wanted to reach out and stopped herself. This time she couldn’t. The couch cushion to his side sinks as she gathers him in her arms.
And he lets her.
Bucky lets out a whimper like a wounded animal into her neck, his hands finding solace loosely on her hips. “I want to stay,” he whispers, any louder and his voice would begin to crackle. “I want to hit fast-forward. It’s selfish, I know, but I’ve spent so many nights wishin’ for a life like this.”
Her hold tightens around him. “And I would let you stay here forever if I could. You’ll have the rest of your life to enjoy this, but I can’t keep you right now. Your ragtag team of hellions still needs you. Yelena would never forgive me.”
He turns away from her, cheek pressed into her shoulder so she can’t see the contorted expression he makes to prevent a sob from leeching out, nose scrunched and teeth gritted, his hair falling into his face.
“You have more memories to go through to get to the others. Be brave, just a little longer.”
Bucky wants to get on his knees, to beg, plead and pray to any god he could conjure that this would in fact be real someday, that his life would turn out just like this. That all the pain, suffering, blood and sweat wouldn’t have been for naught. “What do I have to do to see you again? To make it real?” he croaks.
“Look at me, James.” She is so tender as she guides him to meet her gaze, pressing her forehead to his. “It’s already real. It’s already set in motion, just be patient. Keep doing what you feel is right. Until then, you’ll dream. Of what you want to call her, what she’ll call you one day. Of what you want to plant in the spring and what new project you’ll tinker with. Of me,” she titters, “if you want. Whatever it takes. And when it’s time, we’ll find each other. Don’t forget about us, okay? About this.”
He takes deep cycled breaths, in through his nose, out through his mouth to the rhythm of her hand skating between his shoulders. “…They really need me?” he murmurs.
“They do.”
Bucky flicks away the lingering tears with his thumb, pulling back enough to just…look at her. Memorize the curve of her lips and cheeks, the colour of her eyes, the texture of her hair. Taking the moment to lock it away where no one could ever take it from him. His wife.
“…Okay.”
“You will be,” she assures him.
It takes every ounce of strength he has left to pry himself from her steadiness, but the floor feels solid beneath his boots.
The front door remains the only obstacle.
She hugs her torso and trails a few steps behind as he stalks up to it, whatever horror that waits on the other side suddenly not as daunting. The oak is solid, but the doorknob threatens to crumble under the vibranium. Bucky turns back for one last glimpse and inhales with a shudder.
“Thank you.”
With glassy eyes, she blows him a kiss.
He rolls his shoulder. Readjusts his grip. Turns his wrist a beat after the exhale…and puts one foot in front of the other.
Find part 2 here!
A/N: Had to release this before Doomsday ruins me…Started writing this before the new trailers, but in light of the parallels, why not include a Chris Evans-inspired title anyway?
chapter summary/ tags/warnings: ice skating, Steve and Bucky are meanies, actual masturbation(fem), alcohol, explicit language
Series Masterlist <- !general tags will be found here!
Authors Note: Whenever I consider quitting and deleting this fanfiction entirely out of embarrassment, I think of the few people that actually seem to like this story, so thank you guys for keeping up with my bullshit <3
Chapter 17
„I think we lost track of time, guys“, you told the two men, who followed you out of the little Cafe, „It's already 5pm, do you think we can still go ice skating now? Isn't it a little too dark for that?“
They grinned.
„You're trying to chicken out, aren't you?“, Steve asked with one of his eyebrows raised.
You were neatly packed in warm coat, gloves and a scarf that was bundled up to your chin. To his luck. The day had been spent with strolls and a visit to some museum, that Bucky hadn't managed to show much interest in. What had raised his spirits though, was your sweet, chirping voice upon reaching yet another store afterwards, that sold tiny trinkets and nick-knacks. With each one you'd gotten a bit more excited and he'd been mentally taking notes for every single item that you'd glanced at, to store it for later gift options.
So it had all been fairly okay, while you'd still been packaged up in winter clothes, but when entering the Cafe and seeing your tight turtleneck cling to your body, Bucky had immediately deemed himself a fucking animal.
Even without any display of skin, he was now drawn to your figure, as if you were a descendant of a goddess. It had only been surprise at first, but as if the outline of your shape underneath the fabric had kickstarted his perverted mind, it had pulled the memory of those visions with you out of the depth of his brain. He'd spent his entire night with the image of your naked body writhing in the sheets beneath him- mind ridden with churning desire, built from pent up lust of decades, probably.
Probably.
Or were you really that damn attractive to him? No it was different. It wasn't just your appearance or attraction, it was his emotions meshing with sexual frustration and need.
Denial had built his soul a cavern, to let that all pool in one spot and never leave.
So while Steve had been happily chattering away with you, he'd grown increasingly uncomfortable in his spot opposite of you- having to watch you suck dollops of cream from your finger and lick your lips clean from the foam of your hot chocolate. Heat in his face from embarrassment and the strain of his underwear. He'd tried to adjust his position; hide, what you were doing to him for a while, but it was impossible, to concentrate on anything but the building need shove that fucking table aside and claim you in the middle of the cafe. A fucking animal. He was an animal.
So he had excused himself to the bathroom.
Not that he would get himself off anywhere else, than his own room, but he'd been incredibly close to ignore the sane part of his mind, that told him, to fucking behave. He'd calmed, splashed water into his face and had stared at his shameful reflection, before leaving the bathroom with even more frustration, to join you and Steve with the knowledge, that his sick brain would demand, to end this all at the first chance. Later in the complex. Were it was safe to let go and be weird...
He didn't like it, to be honest. He hated, to think of you so highly sexual out of nowhere- even though he knew, that this emotion had been smoldering somewhere within him for a good fucking while longer. Because he was allowing himself to come close to you. He was allowing his heart to feel and reach for everything you could give and it had opened his entire self up for this dried out part of him.
He cringed, when the metaphor of a a beast rising from within came to his mind. How fucking dramatic.
Now you were back in much more concealing clothes and hidden underneath fabric, that made it hard to even take you serious, as you glared at them.
„No, I'm not trying to chicken out! I just think, that riding the subway in New York is one adventure enough for a day.“
Steve shrugged his shoulders, “I wouldn't call it an adventure...more like a fever dream.”
You snorted and let your eyes drift over to Bucky, who stiffened immediately, “Is there nothing else we could do?”
“You asked for compensation and you shall receive.”, he tried his best to look self-righteous, even as you pouted.
Him and Steve had been hungry not even three hours after leaving the house and only for your sake, they'd kept going for a while longer. They'd made it through the entire museum and a few more streets along the promenade, before demanding food. You'd gotten a bit resigned, with the thought of passing up the last rays of sunshine for some coffee and a sandwich, but had ultimately agreed, to let them have something to eat, under the condition, that they would have to make it up to you.
Perfect opportunity for them to put their plan into practice.
And although you weren't as nervous about it as they had hoped, they knew, that you were regretting to ever have asked for a compensation in the first place.
„Why ice skating?“, you mumbled as Steve took the lead, his hands neatly tucked into his pockets, „Didn't take you guys for people with these kind of interests.“
If it was intentional or not, they were circling around you, as if they had to guard you from the rest of the world. A shield on either side, to make space in a crowded city.
„It was really popular in the 30s, especially here in New York. Was never the best, but was fun enough, to keep coming back“, Steve mused, eyes straight ahead, to find the way. Wherever he was going to begin with, Bucky just trusted him to get there.
„You were never really athletic, so that's no surprise“, he gave Steve a challenging grin, „But I couldn't let you miss out.“
It wasn't nearly as bad, as he'd thought it would be, to spend time with Steve in Brooklyn like this. There had been few instances before, where they'd wandered around or visited some place, but it had never been to dwell in memories, since they'd both been dealing pretty bad with the reminder of their life staying behind in another century. It had only ever been them both and a handful of other people functioning as a link to their past, but Bucky knew, that after Peggy's death, Steve had avoided to find more to remember. Maybe it was easier for him, to cut ties with everything from the young Brooklyn boy, the same way that Bucky thought it was too late to even find anything of that side within him.
But here- in the busy streets, that were so different yet somehow familiar to them- they found it incredibly alleviating, to share this lost part of their personality. You were soaking up every word and story they spoke, as if it kept you going. And Bucky couldn't help but wish, that you saw him in the same way, that he felt in this moment- the ambitious, sassy man, who'd never wanted to go to war. Who'd hoped for some miracle, to save him from the same fate, as thousands of soldiers before him- fallen for the sickening pursuit of a dictator and false love to their country. The tangled strings of James Buchanan Barnes' destiny were leaving his mouth dry all of a sudden and he shook the thoughts off, before any of that could actually ruin his mood in the early night.
There was too much good, to concentrate on in the here and now. He couldn't waste this time with more of his never ending hurt tied to the past. Especially when he knew, that things could go back to the usual any day.
When lazy breakfast talk would turn into early preparations for a mission and slow afternoons in company into briefings. When instead of watching you bake in that cute apron with flour all over your face and clothes, would turn back into the sight of a uniform laced with blood or dirt clinging to your body. When he would stop stressing over emotional turmoil and return to worry about the life of his team again.
He knew damn well, that Stark was doing everything, to give the team a longer break this winter, because he was always in a hurry; always in the middle of a call or running around in annoyance- muttering something about Fury being a bitch. Bucky would never ask Stark about it, but seeing that his entire demeanor changed from stressed to calm and gentle, when you'd made an appearance, he was sure, that Tony was doing it for you.
Stark had always felt weirdly responsible for the team. And also for you, even after that short time you'd been with them before your very first mission.
And it might make sense in some type of way, if he took into consideration, that you'd come all by yourself. Without family or friends. No social life and no hope for bettering. Stark had behaved the same, back when Wanda had decided to open up to them all. Maybe he still confused your looks with your actual age and held some kind of fatherly instinct for you, or maybe that didn't even matter. Maybe it would've been the exact same at any age.
But whatever it was, that let their supervisor give them so much space and time for life, he would cherish it.
“I cannot-for the life of me-picture you both on skates”, you chuckled, “I'm only agreeing to this, so I can see that. Just for your information.”
Steve hummed and shot Bucky a smirk over your head, “Sure you are.”
There were still a lot of people, many parents with their children, some couples and even a group of very drunk old men, that were bellowing Christmas songs without knowing most of the texts, when they finally arrived at the rink.
You watched them stagger and sway, snickering to yourself, before you looked back to him and Steve. “You both without the Serum.”, you said, discretely pointing towards the men, that were nearly falling over every few meters.
“Look, who's laughing”, Steve pulled your hat over your eyes, grinning upon your exasperated gasp, “We'll see, if you're still this bold on the ice, Ma'am.”
The small glint of fear in your eyes didn't stop them from dragging you along though.
“You guys are mean”, you huffed, when they watched you struggle, to even get into the rink on your own.
“You ever done this before?”, Bucky asked as you steadied yourself against the railing with shaking legs.
„Does roller skating count?“
“Apparently not”, Steve raised his eyebrows, when you waved your arms around for balance.
But you actually slid a meter or two, before you clutched the side of the rink again.
„This was so worth it“, Bucky grinned at Steve, quickly returning his attention to you, to not miss a single second of your awkward attempt, to go on without them.
They easily caught up to you and held off on making fun for a while, to show you, how to actually hold your balance. And much to Steve's delight, his prediction came true, when you started to grab their arms every now and then, to keep yourself from falling, the further you skated along.
“I fucking hate you both”, you muttered, when they failed to hide their smirk.
“Okay, if you don't want our help, we could always get you one of those penguins, the kids use for-”
You smacked Steve's arm, making him laugh, when you swayed from your own action and immediately latched back onto him.
Maybe it was their teasing, that let you bite through your hesitation, but after a while longer, you managed to stand on your own and even picked up the pace, to surpass them. They lost you for a moment, when you snaked into the crowd, faster than they'd expected.
Then whirled around, when they heard you laugh behind them, „It is like roller skating, when you actually understand how to hold yourself on these things.“
Neither Bucky nor Steve had anything to say, when you came up to them without a single sign of imbalance in your movement. Your eyes were sparkling with stars here in the well-lit rink underneath a black sky and Bucky's heart warmed, when he saw you so full of joy. He wanted nothing more, than to hug you and shake you and tell you how cute you were. It was driving him mad, how much he liked to see you happy.
Now it was them, who had to keep up with you, as you slid through the groups of people with absolute control over your movements.
And truth be told, you were right, with your assumption. They weren't the kind for this activity. It might've been fun in their youth and early adulthood, but it was nowhere near as entertaining, as Bucky remembered. So they stood to the side of the rink at some point, tracking you through the crowd instead of taking part in actual skating.
„Well, I think we failed“, Steve said, not even slightly disappointed, that his plan to have you helplessly cling to their arms hadn't worked out in the end.
This was much better anyways. Seeing you so bright and happy was more of a reward, than having you hold onto them. You were nowhere near as shy as he remembered you from the first few months in the complex. Quite the opposite.
“You think she'll notice, that we're gone?”, Bucky asked, swallowing the intense emotion that was rising with your carefree behavior.
“Probably not”, his friend sighed and they both spotted you forming a chain with a group of young girls somewhere on the other side, “But I'm not disappointed, honestly. Seeing her open up like this...it's incredible. Never thought I'd get to see her laugh with strangers.”
Steve was right. It was incredible. And Bucky was hoping, that whatever had changed you so dramatically, wouldn't disappear anytime soon. He ignored the tiny pinch of worry, that this could draw you away from him, if you'd decide, to explore life anew. That- if your happiness lasted- it would lead you into the arms of other people and eventually make you realize, that there were better men and better opportunities waiting outside of the complex. Obviously.
But it couldn't deter him, from drinking up your smile and your laugh, whenever it carried through the cold night. Was it normal, that his ears could easily tell it apart from all the other people? That your voice filtered through every other bit of his perception without even trying?
He wanted to distract his straining heart and turned his attention to his best friend then, catching his expression with a hitch of his breath- those soft eyes, the pained smile, like it hurt him just as much as Bucky, to not act on this feeling, which they probably shared for you.
“She's a completely new person...and somehow exactly the same.”, Steve breathed.
“Yeah...”, Bucky couldn't say anything else. He was surprised he could even open his mouth at all, with the sudden guilt washing over him.
„Ya lads with her?“, someone asked, as they passed by.
It was one of the men from the group you'd observed earlier, before even setting a foot onto the ice. A heavy Irish accent rolled off his tongue as he pointed at you.
„We are, yes.“, Steve let his gaze drift over the small gathering, when they all came to a wobbly stand before them.
„Ah, thought I seen you enter the rink together“, one of the others started laughing, „She came up and asked for a sip of our schnapps, but she took the whole flask with her.“
Both their eyes widened. „Oh god, sorry, well get it back for you.“, Bucky said, already searching for you again.
„All good, Captain.”, the first man to have spoken, waved him off, “ Just wanted to let ya know, it's homemade, so... better take care of her, fellas. Don't think she'll be standin' all too well in a few minutes.“
„Thank you, Sir.“, Steve said in all modesty, after realizing, they knew who he was.
„You lads have a good night. And don't worry about the flask, we got more“, they all raised more shiny flat bottles into the air, before they moved along, roaring with laughter the very second they got back into action.
Steve was still watching them with a frown, likely concerned about the mix of alcohol and such an easy to slip and fall activity like ice-skating, when Bucky caught sight of you not far from them both.
„There, get her!“, Bucky gestured towards you, when you were close and Steve turned to find you, before he snatched you right out of the crowd and gently shoved you against the fence.
“Alright, Ma'am. We heard you were causing trouble, is that true?”, he asked, one eyebrow raised, when you started giggling like a school girl.
“Me? Nah, I was just havin' fun by myself, while you guys were standing here all old and alone.”
Both men looked at each other for a moment, silently agreeing, that you were drunk.
„Where's the flask?“
Your smile died down, but they could see the corners of your mouth twitch, „No idea what you're talkin' about.“
„You sure? So if we look into your pockets, we won't find any alcohol in there?“, Steve narrowed his eyes.
„Nope.“
„Y/N.“
You kept silent, a smug expression settling on your face.
Bucky grabbed into your coat and rummaged around until he pulled a small silver flask out of it, “Wanna lie again?”
“I'm not lying. There's no alcohol in it.”, you shrugged.
Bucky's brows furrowed and he opened the flask to find it completely empty. He carefully smelled at it and immediately scrunched his nose, “This shit is strong, did you drink all of it?”
You shrugged again.
“You can't be serious”, he groaned, letting Steve take the flask to check it too, “Can you even handle that?”
„Haven't been drunk in a while, so I don't know...not sure if I still can.“
„You know you stole this, right?“, Steve asked, as he closed it, scanning the rink for the group of old men.
„Not really, they gave it to me.“
„For a sip.“, Bucky pointed out.
“I was about to return it anyways”, you rolled your eyes, attention wavering from them towards something outside of the rink, “Can we go back to the promenade?”
“Huh?”, Bucky gaped at you, “The only place we'll take you now is home, no fucking way.”
You turned back, eyes big and a pout on your lips, “Please.”
He was about to tell you, that this act wouldn't work on them, when Steve answered, “Alright...just for a bit. But then we'll get back to the complex.”
He ignored Bucky's stern look completely and simply smiled, when you clapped your hands in excitement.
“If she gets sick, that's your problem, pal”, he mumbled, when you made your way to the exit.
“Can't be any worse, than that one time in Portland. I can deal with it.”
It was pretty obvious, that you weren't as sober as you pretended. But you took it a lot better, than he'd estimated at first. Even when you took off your scarf about halfway to the place they'd taken a stroll earlier that day, he was convinced, that you were mostly unaffected by the alcohol.
That was until you also ripped off your hat, leaving your hair all messy and opened the top of your coat up, letting Steve sigh.
„You're gonna catch a cold, Y/N“, he said, as he tried closing it back up, to protect you from the wind.
„I'm fine, grandpa. It's way too hot in this fucking thing anyways.“, you groaned, before also stripping off the rest of your coat, to carry it in your arms.
They looked at each other once more in another moment of acceptance. And Steve had the decency to look a bit apologetic.
„This is your fault“, Bucky mumbled towards his friend, „Was your idea to go ice-skating.“
„Okay, I get that it might not have been the best idea, to come here, but I'm not taking full blame for her getting drunk, alright?“
„I'm not drunk“, you slurred, turning back around. Your half-lidded eyes tried to focus on each of their faces for a moment, before you gave them a dazed grin, “Aw, you're just jealous, 'cuz ya can't get drunk.”
„So you are drunk!“, Bucky pointed out, “Admit it, you're a lightweight.”
You clicked your tongue and rolled your eyes, turning on your heel, as if he wasn't even worth an answer.
He wasn't actually that upset about it. It was rather amusing. But he was worried, that you'd fall into the water with one wrong step, no matter how safe the railing was supposed to be. He couldn't trust you, when you were swaying like that.
He was so distracted from your gushing over the Christmas trees and lights, which were placed along the sidewalk of the promenade, that he didn't see the tiny white flakes raining down on him at first.
Only when some of them were thick enough, to stick to your hair, did he notice.
„Oh my god“, you looked up into the sky, „This is the perfect moment for first snow, that is so cool.“
You were being illuminated by the warm, colorful glow of the Christmas lights- smile as bright as the sun. And Bucky felt his heart twist again. He would've loved nothing more, than to take you into his arms in this moment. As strange and foreign as these feelings still were, a part of him wanted you to know, how much he adored you- how much he wanted to frame this picture in his memories and keep looking at it.
„Today was great“, your tone was so soft, no more slurring, “I haven't had this much fun in forever. Thank you, really.”
„Me too“, Steve hummed, just as entranced by you as Bucky apparently.
They stayed for a while and waited, for the snow to lay itself over the world.
The sight of snow had always been hard for him.
But it was different with you and Steve around. With the colors everywhere; the quiet splashing of water and the gentle laughter of other people and even children in his ears. Instead of being scared, he saved this moment as an entirely new memory. It would likely become one to calm him in the future.
He realized then, how deeply he wanted you to become a part of this future. No matter how much guilt was sitting beneath those feelings- no matter how delusional it was- he wanted you. He wanted you to last forever.
°
Even with every single window in your room being open, to let the cold of the night stream in , you were sweating and writhing around in bed.
Maybe it was the alcohol. But in all honesty, it was probably more than just that.
Definitely.
Usually, this only happened after waking up in the middle of the night, right after dreaming of him. With heat taking over every inch of your body and pooling in that sinful spot right between your legs. He wasn't real, yet he kissed you, like he was. That made up version of the man you'd fallen for.
It were his eyes, his voice, his hands and lips, which claimed your body in thirst and need, like he was yearning for a taste as much as you.
But the problem was: you hadn't even fallen asleep yet. No dream had caused this heat to spark your desire. It was just you this time...you and the filth in your head. The memory of Bucky in that Cafe, the hue on his face and the way he'd licked his lips...that moment, when he'd readjusted in the chair, letting your eyes fall to his crotch and the-
“Fuck!”, you bit out, rising from the bed with a groan.
And now- on top of that- you had alcohol in your system. Something you weren't used to anymore and something that very clearly didn't mix well with a dirty mind and another life form, to control all your thoughts into a pile of erotic bullshit.
It was definitely an experience.
Twice as funny, right?
„You're not funny. Like ever“, you mumbled, yanking the thin blanket off.
That's just not true. I know exactly how funny you find it, when I show you all those little memories of-
„Oh yeah, the memories of moments I'd rather not remember. Like spilling a bottle of orange juice in front of the whole team? True, really funny“, you sneered.
But something else flashed into your mind. So short that you barely had the attention, to react to it.
I can show you something better, if you don't like my other memories
„Just stop being weird, how about that? It's enough, that you won't let me forget, what we saw in the Cafe... He's my friend...I shouldn't think this way...“
Am I the weird one? Or you? It's your mind after all
“That you're managing right now.”
A still image of Bucky popped into your head, a mocking blur over the bulge in his pants you'd caught sight of during your day out.
You swung your feet off the bed, trying to feel the carpet with your toes and hoped that every little sensation could keep those thoughts away a bit longer, but your body felt hotter with every passing second.
You know why I do this
„Yeah, you love to annoy me.“
I love to feel. Your emotions are all I get, day in and out. So this is my only entertainment. And your feelings for him are so strong, so delicio-
„Like I said.“
Another picture of him, and this time it stayed. Whenever you closed your eyes, he was there. And you really wanted to keep them closed.
To see his arms flex around your body; his sweat soaked shirt, while he held you down onto the mat. And his hands...they were just...god.
Ironic, that you were once so scared to see them and now you want them to do the exact thing, that would've cost you your life
Your eyes shot open. „You can't say that!“, you choked out, „That's not even true, he is not the winter soldier, it's not the same- fucking Christ!“
I know. But I already told you. I'm funny
You groaned again, shaking yourself a little, as if that would help those thoughts to leave.
But instead the heat in your core got worse- overwhelming even.
„Please stop“, you begged the Khalia, „I get it, you're funny and all, I love your jokes, haha- See? I laughed.“
I'm not doing anything. This is all you. Although I can agree, you would probably not feel this strong without me, I am merely a catalyst, and not the source
You couldn't help the low whine, that escaped your throat as your legs involuntarily rubbed together.
And you closed your eyes again, as a new picture appeared before you. Bucky was resting against the back of a couch, head thrown back, mouth slightly agape and a hand between-
This wasn't real. This was not a memory- it couldn't be.
You jumped up, ignoring the electric pulse, that erupted from your center with every step, when you closed all the windows. The lamp on your desk shook from the force, you'd thrown one of them shut and you stared at it, until it stopped. And for a second- when the sounds and honks from the street were silenced, you thought, that it was getting better.
But just one step back to the bed and your knees felt weak.
It took all your willpower to not moan. Instead you fell onto the mattress, grabbing a pillow to bury yourself in, as the pressure in between your thighs was continuing to grow stronger.
„You're mean...“, you whispered into the softness pressed to your face.
He will never know. Unless you want him to of course...would you want that? I could help him see
“NO!”
You cursed, realizing, that it wasn't going to stop, no matter what you told yourself or them, “Can't you help me for once?”
The next picture was not just him. And you had to bite your tongue, to keep the low sounds from rising within your throat, when you realized, who it was, that Bucky cornered against the wall. It was you- your hands steadied against the bricked surface of the staircase to the rooftop and his chest snug to your back; the metal hand vanishing under the front of your shirt and the other one sliding down into your pants.
Like this? Does this help?
You whimpered.
Fuck, you wanted that. You wanted it, and the Khalia knew so well.
Hm, what else do we have here...
You gasped, your hips were twitching as you saw the next picture.
Now his hand was in your hair and you sat before him, looking up through your lashes- holding his lustful gaze with confidence, while you sucked him off.
„Please. Just stop“, you mewled, clawing at the fabric underneath you, as your hand- finally- subconsciously moved to that spot between your legs.
Such a loathsome mind
Of course, it wasn't just you, but the Khalia knew about all your desires and fantasies, even if you might've forgotten once or denied yourself to remember. None of is was constricted anymore.
You would never be able, to look at him again, if he were to find out about your thoughts of him. If he knew, what you wished him to do with you- do to you.
The Khalia was restless, shifting through your mind and carefully choosing, what to show you next, as if it was flipping through a photo book.
The next scene was simple, not as filthy, but just as sensual.
This one is my new favorite. I prepared it today...just for you
You stood with your back to him, his hands were roaming over your body, soft touches to your naked skin as he leaned in towards you, a kiss to your shoulder. Water was running somewhere in the background, as his breath fanned over your neck. And the sound of his breath was literally all, that filled your mind then, when his fingers wandered your chest and stomach- so harsh and desperate, as if he was chasing the feeling of you under his hands.
But it was his perspective, not yours.
I'm sure, I know him just as well as I know you. Inside out
You had no capacity to consider the phrasing of it's words at all; your head was swimming with arousal and your fingers were already drenched, when you pushed them deeper. It felt like you were burning from within, your body was searching for something more than just this. You needed more. Needed him- his mouth, his hands, his fingers, his goddamn cock inside of you.
Not even a minute later you cried your orgasm into the pillow, cursing again and again, because it wasn't satisfying you in the slightest and only brought you short relief.
The room felt cold again, when the scene of you and Bucky returned to the depths of the Khalia's collection.
