Blog Update Cause it 2024 !!
Hello everyone!
Maybe you guys have forgotten that you were following me lol, since I have been inactive and sporadic here. Social media has changed so hard ever since the purge and the pandemic, but it 2024 so it is time I just reclaim myself and my dreams and goals...
And to give everyone a proper explanation of what that entails and what my plans would be moving forward, in fact this post is to help me come clean with my feelings and experiences so I can accept them and move on, that doesn't mean this will be my last post on this account, but more so that I want to create a cleaner slate for me to get stuff done~
For starters when I started this blog I did it because of an old fandom friend, we became close due to our love for Steven Universe, she became like a beacon, a mentor figure to how to interact online with people, as you can tell from that I'm pretty much part of the OG 2014 era of Tumblr, that boom where Superwholock and the Homestuck fandom where at their peak, witnessed Undertale's humble demo beginnings and how when it released in full it became a viral sensation, something that only tumblr had the power to do, which has been hard to replicate on a social media such as twitter and even harder everywhere else. (Which is why I think games like Omori didn't generate enough traction in comparison)
Tumblr got me through my darkest times after 2013 when I unfortunately got abused by my principal and I had lost all sense of direction, it became a place of comfort and happiness, better than facebook, and more flexible than twitter, I was living and having fun and discovering more about myself, exploring me as a person and my interests, it was my fave go to website during my university years while I grew artistically and got the chance to come out of my shell and meet new friends.
It was an inspiring place with so much to discover, seeing cool peeps, cool fan art, memes, people of so many walks of life and stories whether outlandish or truthful, you could easily interact with people and discover new fandoms and have so much fun, I got to meet nice people, cool artists, inspiring fellas, and precious friends I'll never forget.
I began my tumblr with the idea of joining fandoms and post art, but obviously I was a newbie in those regards, I developed this hyperfixation of keeping up with my dash (do people still call it that?) and always scroll down to the very last post of the day before, while I juggled my academic life and my working life (since I had to pay for my Uni) somehow I focused more on just laughing and reblogging anything I found cool, which meant my first Tumblr became a reblogging personal space, which meant my art posts would get swamped (even tho I had an art tag) so I pretty much gave up on the idea of having an art blog since I didn't have much time for art anyways, and I had to be more focused in my academic life than on being active here or making stuff to post.
In a way tho, that made me feel invisible and made me develop the usual worries such as wanting to go viral, having thousands of notes, being noticed, having a popular post, having thousands of followers, being noticed by cool people or artists, being ACTIVE, having fun with EVERYONE, being recognized in a fandom, being part of something, never feeling enough, making cool projects and getting opportunities... those insecurities led to anxieties, and those anxieties were demoralizing and paralyzing...
As the years went by though, my friend left the internet, wherever she is, I wish her well on her journey, I am thankful for the time together; meanwhile I was dealing with the pressure and stress of my final years of Uni, and also that dreaded feeling of worthlessness and anxiety of feeling far away from my original plans and goals, I felt low... compared to peers or people in the industries I wanna be a part of, which made me feel even worst and stuck, when I finally graduated I felt aimless and without structure, then I got a job at an unfortunalte TOXIC Publicity Agency...
Agencies are as draining and demanding as the worst places to work, enter at 8:00 am and go home till 10:00 pm... yep big NOPE... a draining job like that just made me feel worst about myself, about my art skills, about me as a person, while you had younger peeps becoming viral artists or activists, I felt I was sinking into constant panic and worry thinking this was my life now for years to come, without aspiring to be anything else... it worsen the clinical depression I was experiencing, It's a life I have no plans to return to, I know better now, but oh boy, that was 2019 so... you know what happens next 2020 and... the pandemic was not kind to me, mental breakdowns and borderline suicidal, I WAS A WRECK, and it took some time to heal from those scars of loss, tragedy, abuse, trauma... always overworking without realizing I was straying away from my dreams... always comparing myself to others who I've never met (sometimes I still do) and not trying to rise above the drowning sinkhole I was in...
So... I became so envious and jealous of others success, and became more recluse and shut down, I felt alienated, and alone, hopeless and done... the worst
To this day I still gotta work through my negative feelings, since I still feel excluded from the circles I wanna be a part of, from art communities, from fandoms, maybe because I don't like this thing everyone else is liking, specially people who I look up to enjoying and vibing with a thing together but me being invisible and in the background unable to achieve the same, but... I know that's on me and not on people who have never met me (parasocialism can damn you) so... that's why I am taking the time to write this long post, I kept postponing it over and over again, but it is time I finally take this step for my sake, and the sake of my dreams.
I was inspired to finally start a new chapter in my life and career by the support of new people I've met, a much more forgiving family, and by an AMAZING psychiatrist that has helped me improve my mental state so let me ramble a bit just to finish.
I recently finished Hirogaru Sky! Pretty Cure (By recently I mean February, but you know I was postponing this post for months now) and honestly even though I have been a massive magical girl nerd for years, I never got to finish a Pretty Cure season before, this is legit my first time doing so and I don't regret it, because it a season with the important message on how to be truthfully strong, and having the fortitude of moving on regardless of how painful it can be, and an episode that spoke to me was when Sora felt like she couldn't be an hero anymore, and returned to her homeland to just live a normal life, later on she found the drive to become an hero again, and her dad said a phrase that still rings true "Even if your dream shatters, or you lose it... it will come back to you"... ever since, I felt the need to finally take that step that scares me and gives me anxiety... an that is, to say goodbye to the past and start anew, make a new space for myself, a new tumblr, new accounts, new name... new me, make a clean place that is just for my art, the things I love, the things I enjoy, the things I wanna talk about, an active place surrounded by people who will love my stuff and who will support my projects.
Because even if I don't get into an industry that doesn't mean I have to stop creating, I don't wanna be invisible and just reblog all the time, I wanna MAKE, I wanna CREATE, I want to post art and share my love and experience with others in a better place that actually feels mine, where I can start from scratch and defeat those negative feelings, I don't need to be viral or make a hit game or anything like that, I just need to enjoy life and grow as a person while I work towards my dreams and ambitions, because, I don't want to be scared anymore, I want to just take that first step and no longer make excuses not to, I wanna be reborn and do better for myself...
As for these old tumblr? It gonna remain as a personal space for reblogs and what not, I don't think it needs to be deleted or deactivated but I am sure it will get ocassional use and not constant as I'll be focusing on my life plans~
Thank you so much for reading till the end, it is quite the lenghty post but, I had these feelings in my chest for years and finally have the bravery to free them into the world.
I also want to recommend BUCCHIGIRI?! underrated anime😤 it had to compete with Dungeon Meshi for attention, but boy is it worth a watch, specially if you anime like DBZ, it pumps you with adrenaline and the story is a heartfelt endeavor of growth and how to deal with your inner demons!
So what are my next steps? well... I am planning to watch Wonderful Precure and probs Kaiju No.8 plenty of shows I wanna watch and enjoy honestly~
Anyways, here is my new tumblr link!
Sure, it a work in progress, but I am ready to make it my new home and become a better me now :3
jbbartram-illu
gummygunk
snowghoul
janainaart
izzy806
pixelskylines
kianamaiart
blakekathryn
