note : i dont want to be comforted, just want to get this out here to people who dont know me, it feels less scary that way
i know the ones who this would be most important to will never see this, but i hope one day theyll stumble upon this. i need to say it somewhere. courage has never been my strong suit, ive always been weak minded. i try not to let it get in my way. i always wanted to be a musician, do something good with myself BE someone. i wanted to be a star. no matter how much ive put in effort, no one even spares it a passing glance. i want to be seen, everyone i know has their person. who do i have? i have absolutely no one i could ever go to, and if i did, would i even put down my walls for them? would i even speak of how i feel? i know i probably wouldnt. everyone i know is going through their own struggles, so who am i to bring them down with my negativity? especially when they are going through it worse than i am. my problems all stem from a bad self view, which is my own fault. this is all meaningless anyways. if i were to gain the courage to finally do it, who would keep my memory? ive made no accomplishments worthy of talking about. i feel like even just my presence brings down other people, specifically my closest loved ones. usually i am petrified by even just the thought of death, but tonight? tonight it seems calming rather than fear inducing. for everything to be quiet, done, over. everyday feels the exact same, i drift around people like some random side character and then go to bed. what is the point? im not pretty, im not talented compared to alot of my peers, im not smart. matter of fact i have a 2.0 gpa. i fail everything and im annoying to speak with, i never add anything good to conversations and i just parrot off of what others are saying. i wish i could just never speak again and hide in my room forever, even though my favorite thing ever is to go for walks by myself and be outside. im not lovable, ive ruined any chance ive had at that. im assuming its torture to be around me with the way people act with me, i concerned my boyfriend with how hard i flinch at the slightest things, why do people always poke and prod at me? why do my friends purposefully stress me out? why does everyone hate me so much? even bullshit like overwatch doesnt excite me anymore. the distractions are all gone, and tonight? tonight its just me, my blade and the silence around me. tonight i will have courage. my siblings are distant, my parents clearly dont seem to want to be around one another anymore, my mother will go missing once every week to be drunk by herself and not tell anyone where she is. my friends ask me every day for something. my boyfriend is sweet. i dont want to be a clingy pest anymore. i love everybody, i just wanted to finally be purposeful to someone, to have a meaning. im too much, and tonight ill hopefully finally release that burden of being around me off of everyones shoulders, whether it be *that* or never speaking to everyone again and being alone. everyone i know deserves better, especially my boyfriend. speaking of him, if you ever see this. i love you, you tooth lover.
areudirty
origamiaround
tangentwithtanner
ellievsbear
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2087
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