on purpose

❝ All these days I n e v e r thought that I would need someone so much who knew, but I don't think I ever planned for this h e l p l e s s circumstance w i t h y o u. you're scared, i'm NERVOUS, but I guess that we did it on purpose, on purpose.

[junonam]

clearlytierney·:

“I know…do you think our moms would be proud of us?” He asked with a smile, it  seemed to Ollie that they were just about out of the woods for that night at least, and he felt confident that their conversation would only help them moving forward rather than hinder, and he also was further relieved that Rhiannon ruffled his hair laid next to him as he’d noticed a while ago that she had a natural inclination to be affectionate towards him. “You’re probably right, In all seriousness, something not so great is bound to happen. I hope it doesn’t, but Mr. and Ms. Rosewood is bad news in itself. I’m pretty sure I’m not gonna regret hanging here with you instead. Except if you make me watch one of those really old boring sad movies like what was that one…? Beaches. What was that for? Seriously. And I love old movies. She’s all that. Now that’s romantic.” 

“The bar’s pretty low in this household. I think my mom’s proud that I don’t up and disappear from one day to the next, so this would be earth-shatteringly significant.” She pouted, sitting up almost instantly. “Just for that, we’re watching a melodrama. In black and white. And you get to drink more water. Congratulations.” Hopping off the bed, she stomped to her doorway, only to turn around to get one last look at him. “She’s All That is gross, by the way.” She stuck her tongue out, then slipped away, off to find some movie to torture him with. What was their dynamic if not without some substantial trolling?

[junonam]

clearlytierney·:

“Look, all I know is that I was thinking about you. Take what you want from that.” Oliver loved what he had with Valora and truly believed that the universe had brought him something special with her, something he needed at just that moment in time, but the sexual part of their relationship never really felt like a permanent one. What he had with Daisy was new and nice, and he loved talking to her and thought she was so pretty, but that didn’t really feel like it was something that would be his next great love either. He didn’t even know if Noelle liked him much despite their hooking up, and other girls who were strictly hookups knew that they were and he was the same to them, but Rhiannon had always existed somewhere different in his mind, behind a sort of velvet rope. They’d reconciled after something that probably wouldn’t have with any other people and their relationship was better for it because they knew they were special to one another. “I get that, and that’s fair. The timing isn’t right, be we are. I’m gonna hold on to that. I hope you do too.” He took in a deep breath, then exhaled, and dropped his hands down on his knees, “Well my buzz is blown.” Despite his words, Oliver smiled at Rhiannon, his typical, dopey one, not the one he knew charmed girls that he’d used on her earlier.” 

“Look at us being wise. Never thought I’d see the day.” She’d been careful about proximity up until this point, but thought it was okay to reach over and ruffle his hair. She grinned, then giggled at his dilemma. “Probably for the best, dude. Didn’t seem like a good buzz. And I have plenty of experience in that arena, so.” She flopped onto the mattress ungracefully, parallel to him. It was nice to just look at him, to think of the possibilities ahead of them, if they were patient and reasonable enough. They had always been a long time coming. She could wait. “Thanks for thinking of me, though. No one else was going to sober you up so efficiently.”

[junonam]

clearlytierney·:

Rhiannon told him plain and simple that he couldn’t have it both ways and he understood that, hell, he supposed that he knew that deep down. “I don’t want to make things worse. And I understand that.” He hung his head and exhaled but nodded afterwards, “I don’t want to mess this up because…I think, and don’t ask me how because it’s just a feeling, but I think that if we get it right then…” He smiled slowly, then it faded, “But I don’t think I’m there, where you need me to be. Actually, I know that I’m not. I wish I was and I didn’t tell you about this yet, but I ran into Hadley a little while ago and she’s dating Coal, like confirmed and I feel like it set me back to square one for a while and I don’t want her to have any place in our relationship. I mean you know if we can get there. I don’t want you to sacrifice anything and even though it’ll be a little while before we do get there I’m glad you told me this stuff. It’s how I’d want our relationship to be. It’s how I want our friendship to be. I always wanna know how you feel. I can’t ask you to wait for me, but… I don’t know what I need to do to get where I need to be to be the right guy for you, but I’m gonna try before you’re sick of waiting. You’re not just any girl to me, you’ve always been special. I hope you believe me.” 

She smiled too, because the thought of them together still made her unreasonably happy. But it went as quickly as it came, because the facts of the matter at hand were always going to contend with her daydreaming. “Do you think maybe you were coming here to talk about that and decided trying to sleep with me was easier?” Given what she knew of Ollie’s habits, she felt like it was a question with an obvious answer. “I’d rather you be honest about not being in the right place than lie to me. That’s the kind of relationship I want with you too. And I’m always here for you, as a friend. I can’t tell you if I’m going to wait six months, or a year, or two, but you’ve always been special to me.” Some small part of her nagged away, attempting to convince her that he wasn’t to be trusted, but she had to allow him room to sort himself out. It was only fair, after what he’d dealt with where she was concerned.

[junonam]

clearlytierney·:

“I’m sorry, Rhiannon. I didn’t know I was frustrating you.” Oliver was trying to think carefully about the words that came out of his mouth with Rhiannon, but especially now. He wanted his feelings to push past the haze of drugs and alcohol working it’s way through his body and warping his perception and actions and not fuck this up, because without meaning to, he’d thrown himself into a make or break conversation. “You’re not someone who I think about sometimes, Rhiannon I think about you all of the time, you’re my best friend and one of the cutest girls I’ve ever seen in my life on top of being someone I’m just really comfortable being me around. I bring stuff up sometimes because I just want to know you still meant it when you said you liked me because I don’t know, it’s like you try to just ignore that you said it at all. And I get it that you don’t want to feel like you’re in a rotation, but that’s not what I’m doing. I’m not accumulating a body count you know. I just…got here and not too long after I was in this life changing relationship that I thought was going to last forever and it didn’t. Hadley was one of my best friends too and now we can’t even have a conversation without me wanting to do just about anything to forget that we did. I don’t want to go through that with you, not again. I like Val and I go on dates with girls or whatever and that’s just…it’s where I’m at. Whatever I have with whoever else has never once taken away from how I feel about you and while I have been able to figure out what I am with Val or Daisy or Noelle or whoever, “I can’t with you and it just sucks because sometimes all I want to do is kiss you or hold your hand or take you out and show you that I can make you happy on this whole other level because I know that I can. So what do we do because I don’t want to loose my shot with you.” 

The compliments all felt like the exact right thing to say, at the exact wrong time. Rhiannon squeezed her eyes shut to process everything that was being said without the pressure of having to look right at him and provide some sort of expression of openness or acquiescence. “Of course I still mean it. I’ve always felt it, even when you didn’t know. But you can’t have it both ways, Ollie.” Her eyes opened and wandered to him. She had to be brave enough to see him while she spoke, at least. “You have to do what you have to do. I am much more useful as a friend to you while you process what happened with Hadley. Because you getting what you want right now wouldn’t make me happy. It would just make things so much worse.” She scoffed, more at herself than anything, shocked that she’d even managed to get this all out without stopping herself. “It isn’t healthy for me to be someone on a list of people you’ve figured things out with. Inevitably, I’m just going to wonder what it is about me that isn’t enough, or doesn’t compare, or whatever. I’m not going to do that to myself, even for you. And I get that it’s not about me, that you have some shit to get through just like I do, but I can’t be your sacrificial lamb for the time being. It’s better for me, for you, for our friendship in the long run.” She shrugged, at a loss. “If it turns out that you decide to be with someone else long-term, so be it. That’s the choice that I made.”

[junonam]

clearlytierney·:

“Oh you’re mad… I don’t have anything I’m holding in?” He told her while he watched her. Sure he was confused by the fact that they were strictly platonic but in Oliver’s mind Rhiannon was worth waiting to figure out what they were, he just worried they’d never get to that part. “I’m sorry, I maybe got a little impatient about us but it’s totally because I’m drunk and I was thinking about you and this isn’t the kind of thing that blows up I’m totally fine with doing things slow and careful. Seriously. I just want to hang out and I’ll stop flirting, promise. I really didn’t mean to make you feel weird, it’s the last thing I want to do. Is there something you want to say?” 

“I’m not mad. Just...frustrated, I guess.” She sighed, taking a seat on the very edge of the mattress. “Look, I’m not aiming to add myself to whatever rotation you have going on right now. No offense or judgment toward anyone involved — I’m glad you all are living your lives and doing whatever you want. I just know what I want doesn’t match up with that idea.” Her jaw contracted as she thought of how to best explain herself in as succinct a way as possible. Most importantly, without getting emotional about it. “I don’t want to be someone you decide to think about in the middle fo the night, to satisfy some momentary urge until someone else comes to mind. I’d rather just be your friend if that’s how this is going to be.” She paused, wishing away the immediate thoughts concerning how overdramatic and ridiculous she was being away. “I’m not a toy you can mess with. The difference between me and whoever else you want to sleep with is that I’m guessing they understand and accept the ground rules. I don’t.”

[junonam]

clearlytierney·:

Oliver knew he was making a mess of things, though he didn’t exactly realize how. He’d pretty much had gotten this hooking up thing down to a science, not that he was playing a numbers game but as far as he was concerned if he liked a girl and the girl liked him he didn’t see why they couldn’t explore that however they chose too and it worked just fine for him, except for with Rhiannon who seemed dead set on just putting it out into the world, and doing nothing about it. He took the water and drank it, again all in one gulp in an effort to sober up because he suspected she wasn’t a fan of him like this, “Yeah, I’m sure. Sorry I’ll pull it back.” He flashed Rhiannon a tight lipped smile then sat on her bed, kicking off his shoes before he crossed his legs, comfortable enough in the space to do so. “Tell me about the editing, do we have another best seller on our hands?” 

He seemed annoyed to have to tone things down, which was more than mildly irritating. She thought she’d made it clear that this was something she couldn’t take lightly, and she wasn’t a toy for me to charm into his pants as he pleased. It could have been easily excused by whatever he’d drank or taken at the party, but it almost felt like everything had been leading to this the entire time. She didn’t join him on the mattress and instead hovered nearby, her fingertips grazing her comforter. “Who knows. Dude, if there’s something you want to say, just say it. No use in holding it in for things to blow up later.”

[junonam]

clearlytierney·:

“We’re is what coming from? You being cute? Genetics?” Oliver shrugged, and he could tell she was less than amused so he dropped his faux charming smile, knowing that it wouldn’t work on her right now. “Let’s just go to your room and see how we feel? Wing it, you know?” 

The way he relented his smile so easily made her feel as if he had been attempting to manipulate her. Which, obviously, she’d gotten an inkling of an impression that was the case, but she certainly didn’t want to be proven right. “Uh, sure,” she responded hesitantly, unsure of what he meant by winging it. Nothing good, probably. Still, she handed him the glass of water she’d filled again and began leading him upstairs. “You’re sure you’re sober enough? You seem...different.”

[junonam]

clearlytierney·:

“We have kissed, and we both liked it. And I’m totally saying that to remind you that you like me because sometimes I think you forget, but don’t worry I’ll always be here to bring it back.” He hugged her tight, with a content smile on his face, “Not to sound creepy but you smell good. Of course I’m being smart.” Oliver let her go and shook his head, “No, I’m just messing around, don’t worry. I know you don’t think I’m a shameless slut. No not a snoozefest, pretty wild actually, you just weren’t there and I kept thinking about you and figured that’s dumb, why not just see you? God, you’re so cute.” He shook his head and covered his face with his hands at the same time, “Okay, rewind.” He made a rewind noise then dropped his hands, a huge grin on his face, “What do you want to do? Watch a movie, or oh! I can help you edit. Me, Ollie speak English real good. Whoops. I mean real well.” He joked, hoping to get a laugh out of her. 

“Don’t worry, I remember.” She raised an eyebrow, clearly less than amused by...whatever he was doing. She assumed it was because he was drunk, or at the very least some sort of inebriated, but she couldn’t be sure. Ollie was just like this sometimes, like he wanted to rub the facts of the situation in her face. But she generally just swallowed it down and moved on. Not this time, though. “What’s going on? Where is this coming from?” She began pulling her hair back into a ponytail to give herself something to do with her hands. “No, it’s fine, I don’t have to edit right this second. We can watch a movie, or do whatever else you want.”

[junonam]

clearlytierney·:

“Thank you.” He said as he took the glass, then made a show of closing and locking her door before he drank all of the water in one long gulp, “Okay so that kiss at the party doesn’t count. It wasn’t my A game. And I’m going to start resenting you for calling me ‘popular’ because I know what you mean and I’d just like to state for the record I’ve calmed down some.” Ollie took the glass to the kitchen and sat his cup into the sink then went back to Rhiannon and hugged her hello, “That’s the last bit of taking care of me that you do tonight by the way. What were you doing before I got here?” 

“Whatever you say. Regardless, we have kissed. It happened. May not have been some giant momentous occasion, but that’s probably for the best.” She hugged him tightly, then grabbed the glass from the sink and immediately walked back to refill it. “You don’t have to calm down on anyone’s account so long as you’re being smart. I don’t mean to make it sound like I’m picking on you, or something. I hope it doesn’t come off that way.” She didn’t want to sound judgmental, but she especially didn’t want to sound jealous. Not that she would ask if she did. “Editing. What about you? The party was a snoozefest?”

[junonam]

clearlytierney·:

“Okay,but I’m both stoked and crushed right now. Imagine how confusing it is to be me right now.” He grinned and gave her a small salute when she gave him his marching orders. When he got to the door, he leaned against the frame waiting on Rhiannon, “You know…” He started, a lazy smirk on his lips, “You don’t know what you’re turning down here with me. You would like kissing me because I’m a really good kisser. So your mistake. Hi.”  

Instead of humoring him all that much, she was busy dashing to the kitchen to get the glass of water she’d promised. “Having kissed you before, I’m aware. Having realized that you’re pretty popular these days, I’m doubly aware. There has to be some sort of appeal beneath...all of that.” She smirked back. Glass in hand, she gestured up and down his person before handing it off. “Close the door before you convince the neighbors some rando is robbing us.”

[junonam]

clearlytierney·:

“Wow, I can’t believe that actually worked. I was starting to believe that it wouldn’t.” Oliver said as he stood up after Rhiannon stuck her head out of the window. He had a dopey smile on his face as he looked up at her, “Okay, so don’t be mad at me because I was at that party and I am not what most people would call ‘sober’.” He put the word in airquotes, “But hear me out, I missed you and wanted to see you and there was no way I was going to ask you to come there so here I am. Do you want to hang out? Maybe makeout a little bit.” He wiggled his eyebrows, “Sorry, that was a joke. Unless you’re into it then I was serious but something tells me it’s gonna be a no.” 

She was never going to be angry with him for not being sober — that was his own business — but his stupid smile made it impossible for her to even pretend to be angry. Instead, she grinned like a complete goof. Geez, she was so gone. It was a bit of a problem. “Yeah, sure, to the first question. Absolutely not to the second. Glad you knew that already.” She bit her lip, tapping her fingernails against the window sill as she did so. “I’ll meet you downstairs and get you some water. You clearly need it.”

[junonam]

clearlytierney·:

Oliver already knew the fourth of July party was one that Rhiannon shouldn’t be at, which is why he hadn’t texted her to come, but after so long at the party he found that he missed her so he left. He wasn’t exactly sober as he’d taken a pill upon arrival and had drank whenever someone offered him one, which was a lot. It was only when he could see her house in view that the thought came to his mind that it probably wasn’t the best that he came over under the influence, but he reasoned that it was the lesser of two evils and he really wanted to hang out with her so he proceeded on and instead of knocking he decided to go a little old school. He grabbed some pebbles, sat under her windows, legs crossed and then started tossing them, unsure if she’d even answer, but he had a lot of pebbles so if she didn’t answer at least he’ll know that he tried.

@junonam

Rhiannon hadn’t even considered going to the party; she’d never thought she’d say it, or even think it, but she was a bit partied out. No doubt everyone was having a good time, but she couldn’t allow FOMO to dictate her decisions. Instead, she was just at her desk for the night, generously putting a red pen to her own manuscript. At least she was being productive and not mopey, which she certainly could be if she decided to think about all the fun Ollie was having without her.

The moment she even allowed him to cloud her thoughts, she heard an odd tapping against her window — one that didn’t relent after a few seconds. Brow furrowed, she crept towards her window, slightly terrified some serial killer was after her. Instead, she spotted Ollie chucking rocks. She opened her window as widely as it would go and stuck her head out, hoping he hadn’t thrown one right before realizing she was there. “Wherefore art thou, Romeo?” She piped up, smirking rather than showing her glee.

[junonam]

clearlytierney·:

There was a small, faint smile on his face, but Ollie rolled his eyes, “How do you know what I said and to who tonight. And I don’t use lines for the record.” Ollie tried to test the waters but had been shot down …again, which put them at the same place they were always at – just friends. It was a bummer, but they were still best friends, and that was plenty, “You saying it like that almost makes it sound like you’re doing me a favor.” Oliver shook his head, then moved on to a new aspect of conversation, “Whose home with you?” 

Her head popped up to look at him properly. “Everyone uses lines. You’re not special. They’re pretty decent, all things considered. But please, everyone knows about your thing with Valora. So humor me.” In what was probably her aunt Marina’s exact words, Rhiannon was endeavoring to not be a giant fucking masochist. That meant boundaries around what did and did not work towards the betterment of their relationship. Allowing Ollie to flirt aimlessly whenever he pleased was firmly in the not category. “I’m always doing you a favor by being around. Don’t kid yourself.” She pursed her lips in thought. “I think everyone’s out for a long night, so beats me. Why?”

[junonam]

clearlytierney·:

“I know you were joking, but maybe I was just trying to capitalize on a chance to be this close to you.” He told her in an obviously flirty tone. “ He chuckled, “You think so? Because I’m pretty sure I’m literally carrying you home right now. I’m basically your human car right now. I’m not complaining though,” He told her then pretended to almost drop her, “Just kidding. I’ve got you. Now that I’m thinking about it, you using me as transportation is sort of our thing. If you’re not in my arms you’re on my back like a spider monkey.” 

Rhiannon yawned. “Nuh uh. Love you dearly, dork, but you were using those lines on at least one other person all of an hour ago.” She had her lines that she dissuaded him from crossing, sure that their rapport was strong enough for him to not take it personally. Or, at least, she thought they did, but somehow she was squealing as he pretended to drop her. “You are so rude! I rely on you for transportation, and you treat me this way?”

[junonam]

clearlytierney·:

“Wooooooow, that is just so disrespectful.” Ollie put his hand over his heart but was chuckling, because if they got into it he knew that he couldn’t dispute it with any real facts to back it up.” Oliver nodded, already knowing plenty bout what Rhiannon did and didn’t like in these sorts of situations. He was caught off guard by her suddenly burying her face in his chest but he wasn’t complaining and as soon as the request was out there he scooped her up and was on his way downstairs and out on to the street, “You know, nobody else is going to do things like this for you, so you might want to be nice to me for like…I don’t know, this side of forever.” 

“I was joking, but I’ll happily accept having a chariot all the way home.” She smirked, reaching downwards to grab her heels before Ollie took off. “I’m always nice to you, I dunno what you mean.” Patently untrue, but that was precisely what made it funny. Or, at least, she hoped it was funny. Instead of getting herself into a tizzy about it, she turned inwards toward him and started burrowing as if he were a pillow.

[junonam]

clearlytierney·:

“Yeah, but that was me from about a million years ago. It’s not so easy anymore, Rhiannon.” That wasn’t completely true, but he wasn’t just going to let her have that one, not when she was so smug about it. “Still a bar that you cleared. You’ve got to be nicer to yourself sometimes. Celebrate stuff, even if it seems small too you. My therapist told me that once, back when I didn’t have my temper under control.” The term friend was apt, she was his friend, but they were also a little bit more than that, at least Ollie thought so, but he supposed there wasn’t a real word for it, or at least he didn’t know it. He nudged her shoulder with his own, “It’s a pretty nice night out, “Do you want me to walk you home? I’m sure that’s a good decompresser, right?” 

She couldn’t stifle the laugh that came out as an immediate reaction to his claim. Plenty of things had changed about Ollie, but his ability to become flustered in seconds had not. “Yeah, I know. Mine gives me the same speech. It’s just totally out of my element. I never cared about having people to talk to, or coming prepared with plans to occupy myself. I don’t like being clueless. But you know that already.” She groaned, pressing her face square into his chest after nudging him back. “I don’t want to put my shoes back on. Carry me home, please.”

[junonam]

clearlytierney·:

“Oh yeah? Why thank you. Don’t flatter me too much you’re going to make me blush, relax.” Oliver grinned, looking at her before he turned his attention to back in front of him. “It gets a little bit easier to navigate for you every time though, right?” He asked, genuinely invested in Rhiannon finding solid ground while not ostracizing herself socially. He nodded when she asked how he was, “Yeah, even better now, why? Do I not look good?” 

She scoffed. “Doesn’t take a lot to make you blush. I know from experience.” Sure he wasn’t going to meet her past halfway, she relented and forced herself to sit up. “I mean, sure, but I was starting off at my most awkward in the beginning. The bar is awfully low.” Her brow furrowed. “No, you look great. I’m your friend, I worry regardless.”