Something you should know
This post has been sitting here as a draft for several weeks now. I’ve been brewing over whether or not to post it: I am not an expert on d/s by any stretch of the imagination, and extrapolating from my limited experience to suggest that I know something about other people and their internal workings is a risky road.
But I’m having a rough day, a messy-head kind of day. I told DD straight off - just a simple text: “I’m not myself today.” That’s kind of code for “I’m going to disappear a bit.” But I still need to feel him close, part of things, and writing does that, too. Maybe reading this will do that for him today, if he goes online, as I keep myself to myself, cocooning and quiet. So even though I didn’t write this today it seems like a good day to hit “post.”
It goes without saying, we’re all pretty different. People are too varied in all their weird, wonderful ways to ever be reduced to a buzzfeed top 10 list, or a one-size-fits-all label and description. But I’ve read a lot of amazing, insightful things on tumblr from a lot of amazing, insightful subs. Seriously, some of the most vulnerable, brave writing I have ever seen anywhere full stop is submissives writing on this site. And I’ve had some of the most gracious and kind conversations from women who have read some of my posts and sent me private messages, and had conversations that are at once anonymous behind our avatars and still deeply supportive, gentle and smart.
What I’ve learned is this: there’s a lot of us who seem to operate in pretty similar ways. Even when we don’t realize it. Even when we think we’re just a one-off weirdo, there always seems to be another one-off weirdo talking about the same emotion, act, coping mechanism or thought process.
This letter is not intended to reflect what every single sub might want to tell every single dom. But I suspect that quite a few of these, if not all, apply to a lot of us. And maybe it’s helpful - for either side of the equation - to write about them.
Dear Doms, Sirs, Daddy Doms, and other dommy types:
There’s something you should know. Actually, there’s a lot of somethings. This is hard for us to write, because if we subby types had our way there’d be a simple User Manual we could just hand over - a list of instructions, some FAQs, and several pages of troubleshooting. Boom. You’d know everything about how we work. Simple. Easy. No scary, revealing conversations required.
No such thing exists, but … well, we wrote THIS instead, and it’s kind of a little bit of what you might find in our User Manual, if there was one. Like we said, just some things you should know.
Maybe you’d like to read it? No rush of course, only if you want to. We don’t want you to think we’re insisting - oh, which kinda brings us to the first one …
1) Asking for things from you is hard.
Remember that time when you were doing really good stuff to our girl parts and we said “please” and you said “please what” and we said “please…” and you said “tell me” and we went back and forth like that for a minute? It wasn’t a show, a game to enjoy your dominance over us (though of course, we did enjoy that part too, and we love when you make us answer you.) But we truly struggled to get the words out - just as we do when we ask for a bottle of water, or a spanking, or a clarification on how you feel about something, or any other thing big or small.
Why? Because asking you for things - anything at all - is really hard. Asking you for things feels like trying to take over, or it feels demanding, or it feels like a suggestion that what you are already doing to us and for us is not already amazing-ten-ways-to-Sunday.
2) We think a lot about your time.
Sometimes we think about your time more than we think about your sexual needs, your emotional needs, or anything else. Because your time is the well from which you water us. We know that we are, ahem, “high needs.” We know that we often require the same conversations over and over. We know that we need a lot of affirmation (and re-affirmation, and confirmation, and re-confirmation, of things we have already covered.) We know that this kind of interaction requires a lot more engagement than might be required of you by someone else. We know that even the things we enjoy in bed (or over a table, or over your lap) take more time than what any of us have ever gotten in most vanilla sexual situations - a spanking alone might take more time than an entire sexual encounter for someone else, and it’s only the warm up. We know the world is busy - we know your world is busy - and we try to be careful with your time. On the flip side of the coin, we think nothing of spending extra time on things that might please you - doing our hair a certain way, carrying out a requested task, and so on - but we can’t relate that giving your time to us feels as rewarding as when we do it for you.
3) We don’t tell you everything we want to.
If we sent you a text every time it occurred to us, you’d come back to a screen at the end of a couple hours with about 400 messages on it: I miss you. What do you think of these shoes? God I can’t stop thinking about that thing you did that day, remember that day when we went to that restaurant and I was wearing the red skirt? I miss you. I wish you could spank me right now. I think you’d be really proud of this thing I just did. Want to hear about it? Need you. Want you. Did I mention that I need you? Oh I read the best book, you’ll love it. I miss you. What are you thinking about? Are you thinking about me? Of course you’re thinking about me, I’m awesome. Hahah. Just kidding. Um you know I was joking about that awesome thing, right? Sigh. Oh it’s sunny out! Um, I’d like you to tell me how to dress today/what to do at the gym/what to eat. Did you know it’s only eight sleeps till I see you? I got a new bra, want to see it? I know it’s random but I’m really grateful for you. I’m grumpy. Need you. Did I say that already?
Not only do we not send all those things because we’re thinking about your time (see #2) but because we worry that something we say will sound crazy or silly or frivolous, or worse, demanding (see #1).
4) We need to hear it a lot. All of it. Yes, even that thing you told us just yesterday.
It’s not that we have a memory problem. If anything, we remember too much, every small detail. We keep memories like a dragon keeps gold: a treasure horde that we keep with us all the time.
So, no, it’s not that we forgot when you snuggled in close and said that sweet lovely thing. It’s not that we forgot how aroused you were when you saw us all tied up and waiting for you. It’s not that we forgot that you rearranged your schedule for us. It’s not that we forgot when you explained for the billionth time that we’re really definitely important to you.
We didn’t forget at all. But we still need to hear it again. We need to hear ALL THE THINGS, ALL THE TIME. We need to hear that we’re vital to you, and in what ways, and why. We need to hear that you miss us. That you think we’re cute or sexy or funny or smart or interesting. We need to hear that you worry about things too, that you think of us at random times. We need to hear why we make you laugh, when we make you smile, and how you like that odd little freckle that we fret about.
Most of all, we need to hear that we make you proud, that we did good, that we pleased you. We need to hear that life with us in it is better and brighter and easier, and without us … well, that even pondering such a thing is unpleasant.
Yes, we know you just told us yesterday. And the day before. And maybe the day before that. We still need to hear it again. But we won’t TELL you that, because … well, see #1.
5) We love what we do together, but sometimes it still makes us feel weird for a little while
We all know that we’re doing things we’re not supposed to. We are very good girls, who understand all too well the cultural norms that we live in, and the consequences for breaking those norms. If I told my friends that I let you slap my face, or that you put me over your lap and spank me like a naughty child, or that you call me your fucktoy while doing terrible things to me all tied up in your bed and holy shit I love it so much … well, you can imagine what they’d say. The world is very loud about what is right and wrong, good and bad.
We know that the things we do with you are consensual and considered, informed and engaged. We know that we’ve talked about it. We know that we both want it, enjoy it, need it, thrive on it, mutually, and that we are better for having each other. We know that we get off (and get off hard) to some of the things we do behind closed doors. We know that we don’t want to stop.
But sometimes … not always, but once in a while … we feel weird. Which can lead to #6…
6) We’re super fucking competent. Annnnnddd we still want your help.
For a group of people who willingly let themselves be helpless and vulnerable and lacking entirely in control, we are actually an incredibly competent group of women. We are good at what we do - not just THIS part of us, but all parts. And you know what we’re the best at? Taking care of ourselves. Most of us figured out how to the hard way - because of how we grew up, or someone who broke our hearts, or simple necessity. And we are so fucking good at it.
When we are having a bad day, when our heads are not on quite right, when we are “off kilter,” when we’re feeling weird (maybe because of #5), we will probably want to just do our own thing and manage it. We won’t want to ask for your help (see #2) or take up your time (see #1). Even though you’ve told us all the good stuff (see #4) we might be second-guessing ourselves. We will just close up shop for a couple hours or the whole day, and we will manage our shit without any help.
But we will still want your help, too.
When we say “I’m ok” we really mean it. When our coping mechanism involves being quiet, we usually really do need to just be quiet. But we need to know you’re there, too. Poke at us. Be present. You don’t need to fix it but we want to know you’re willing, if we want you to.
7) We are grateful for you. So, so, so fucking grateful.
We don’t mean just in the lovey-dovey “so glad you’re part of my life” way. We mean grateful that your quirk is the mirror image of our quirk. We’re grateful for the ways you offer structure and mentoring and leadership and support. We’re grateful that you want to be in charge - because honestly being in charge sounds like so much work it’s hard to remember that you even want to be. We’re grateful that you want to do the heavy lifting (sometimes literally) of being the dominant to our submissive, the wolf to our rabbit, the master to our slave.
And, yeah, sometimes we feel weird about the stuff we do (see #5) but we also know that sometimes you might feel weird, too. You do things to us that we want you to do, but that might in any other context be deemed abhorrent or abusive. We know that when you see the way we respond after our time together, if we cry or shut down or need to cuddle for a half hour while shaking, you might wonder if you went too far, did too much - which brings us to the next point…
8) Our drop is not your fault.
You didn’t go too far. (***see below) You didn’t push too much. You didn’t cross the line. Sometimes we drop just a little bit, sometimes we drop hard - harder than we expect to. And sometimes we need to recalibrate, come back to normal, and it takes time or tears or strangeness to get there. But we never once think it’s your fault. We never once think the drop is not worth everything else. When we cry, you haven’t made us sad - the intensity of our time together has brought all the things that might make us cry, right to the surface. When we turtle, you haven’t scared us - the enormity of release just requires some time to stabilize. You’re not bad, or wicked, or uncaring. And we know that, without ever needing to talk about it. (***Assuming a consensual, safe act that everyone was on board with.)
9) We don’t care about your super-domly bod.
We’re not here for horse-sized cocks and pro wrestler muscles. We’re here for you. And yeah we might get off on the visual parts of you we like best (sometimes things you don’t even think are particularly appealing about yourself) but the stuff that does it for us is in your head and your heart. And we know the same is true in reverse. But we forget, a lot. So yeah, remind us, that our imperfection is as desirable to you, as yours is to us. We know already but, well, see #4.
10) We are kinda magic, even though we don’t realize it.
We’re a bit weird. Quirky. Strange. We see the world a little differently.
But we see you a little differently than others, too. You’re the Sir, the Daddy, the Master. You might think that you’re the protector because you’re the boss - but we’re protectors, too, in our own ways: we see you, we accept you, and we understand you better than you realize. We know that you need us to kneel so that you can stand. We know that you need us to give so that you can take. We know all that and then we do what you need and then we ask: what more can we do? Call it whatever you want but this is a kind of magic - to be seen, to be known, to be given what you need.
Well, we did go on a bit longer than we meant to. Anyway, that’s about all we wanted to say. Obviously by this time next week, we’ll have pondered a whole new pile of things and what they mean and how we feel about it - because that’s our thing. But for now, this will do.
Oh wait: one last thing, a final PS, the last thing you should know …
#11) We are always always always trying to be the bestest.
The root motivation for every single thing on this list is to the best, for you: your best girl, best partner, best sub, best friend, best lover.
Because that’s just how we roll.
