I was going to school in Houston two or three years ago, everything was great at first... I was making friends, I was doing what I loved, I found a place, things were perfect and I thought that everything was uphill and pushing up roses (in a good way)... I even got the attention of this fraternity Iād been dying to be in for years, the school semester ended with me crossing the organization... Finsihing the semester with a 3.4, and getting a job thanks to one of my mentors (at the time)... Things were indeed starting to get better but there was always this looming depression, like a cloud that wouldnāt go away. It was suffocating no matter what I did. I donāt know if it was due to PTSD from previous scenarios, and chapters in my life. I donāt know if thatās just my nature, but it was so stifling. I couldnāt take it anymore and I really had no clue how to make it stop. I somehow someway met this guy in IG, things took off really quickly... I fell in love... He was the missing piece the answer. He made me happy, he made me feel attractive, he made me feel talented, he made me feel smart, he made me feel ambitious, he made me feel unstoppable... He made me feel everything that I shouldāve felt on my own, that I couldnāt access... Eventually something faded and mr. depression came back home to roost... Mr dream guy? My knight in shining armour? He couldnāt take it, everything that came with that depression was to much, and frankly watching him be so happy with simply being himself, made a part of me hate him. Eventually he left, Iām still chasing that ball of sunshine... Every chance he will give me I take it because after all, who else could even make me remotely as happy, satisfy me, spend time, roll my blunts, make me feel safe. Logic and my mind, says thereās a billion other mfās that can. But something else whatever it is, wonāt let the rest of me catch up to that fact. I donāt know if I need closure, I donāt know if I am just on a self hate binge, I donāt know if I just really love the guy and want to fix whatever is broken in me to be ādeservingā of him, apparently all that is a factor and much more because Iām typing it... Frankly? I donāt know if he himself is really good, or bad, or if I even love the guy in earnest or if he is just a comfort zone that I simply donāt feel by myself.... The moral of this story is yeah... I still want him.... Yeah Iām still depressed... Yeah Iām still trying to make it better... No it hasnāt worked yet... No... Iām not gonna stop trying to fix myself for myself... No Iām probably not gonna stop wanting to be his again... No... Iām not sure that I ever really was to begin with.... No, I donāt even know how to start trying to meet someone else... No, donāt think being with anyone at all is a good idea.... Yes Iām lonely, and horny all the time... Yeah Iām always looking for someone anyone anything to take my mind off of him... probably why I have tumblr to begin with...:
turnnoffyourmind
pixelskylines
jacobvanloon
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