Just My Thoughts

[just-my-thoughts]

is he really?

is he really the one?

if i can’t seem to go two days without questioning it?

is he really my forever?

if i think of 5 different ways to break up with him?

is he really my soulmate?

when i don’t feel like he loves me enough?

is he really my lover?

if he doesn’t love me the way i want to be loved?

is he really my world?

if he doesn’t seem to want to see it with me?

is he really my type? 

because i seem to be questioning if i really want it to be a “him”.

[just-my-thoughts]

season of change.

the autumn leaves fall to the ground,

the colors change from green to brown,

the season of love for me and you ends,

leaving a relationship for the better,

it still hurts as the leaves fall from the trees,

but it’s a season of change as they emerge anew.

i want to grow and learn as this chapter closes,

that people you love can become people you hate,

love doesn’t conquer all but it’s taken my heart,

i can’t seem to find that fallen leaf,

but it’s okay as a new one forms,

slowly but surely,

we live on to spring.

[just-my-thoughts]

terrified.

it’s terrifying to say it out loud, 

because i’ve only felt this way once before. 

and getting hurt deeply, 

made me want to protect myself with bricks,

and scare away anyone to tried to come in. 

but he crashed through them somehow, 

despite everything i threw at him, 

i can’t seem to stop missing him 

and wanting him, every second of the day.

it’s all consuming and ever encasing, 

i don’t want it to end, 

but i’m terrified it’ll end me. 

[just-my-thoughts]

i don’t know.

i can’t see past the fog,

but should i question it?

is there something wrong with him?

or is it that he’s not a she?

“he’s nice”, i say

as i struggle to find words to describe love.

i’ve never had a problem before,

but was that because it was it was her?

“someone help”, she cries.

but no one seems to understand her pain,

it’s not easy to question yourself,

when there seems to only be one right answer.

i struggle as i try to find the words,

to tell them that i might not be want they want.

[just-my-thoughts]

advice.

when her therapist became her mom,

and her mom became her teacher,

she was raised by the hands of her friends,

who’s sage advice was a work in progress.

she cries for the loss of her soul.

[just-my-thoughts]

my city.

is it a city that knows me?

or am i desperately trying?

i love it here, i say as i walk,

but i sometimes wonder,

does it love me so?

the people have so much,

that i learn from everyday.

but is it okay,

if i feel like i can’t offer much?

or maybe i can, in my own way,

and i just need to find someone,

who accepts me so.

because learning,

like everything,

is sometimes a two-way street.

[just-my-thoughts]

a trip to cambridge.

i arise at the wake of dawn on a sunny morning, 

to visit a city i’ve only seen in my dreams. 

the train journey is filled with mindless conversation,

but i felt understood without having to tell her.  

we take our first steps into the narrow street,

like the state of my mind before i stepped outside.

travelling has never seemed possible before, 

without the burden of financial reminders. 

we make new friends who live differently, 

does they know it’s hard for me to think openly?

i see incredible people fighting for what’s right,

i stand and wish i had the courage to be an activist. 

i see beautiful people waving the lgbtqia flag, 

i want to hug them close for supporting the community.

a reminder to all those who dream of opening their hearts,

we can start small. we can start now. 

[just-my-thoughts]

messy lipgloss.

our lips touch lightly as we kiss

she places her hands on my hips

and it’s strangely comforting

i want to tell the world that i love her

and shout it out from the rooftops

but we slowly break apart

breathing heavily our eyes wander

in case there was an an intruder

i haven’t lost hope for such a day

where we can do this without such

so the past hour was hidden from the world

but that’s the story behind my messy lipgloss.

[just-my-thoughts]

a child of immigrants.

they came to a foreign country on a tourist visa, 

but they didn’t know what being a citizen felt like,

they slaved away in a system that worked against them, 

just to give me the life that i hadn’t started dreaming of. 

years pass and i work hard to honour their sacrifice, 

but why do i feel like a disappointment every single time. 

‘live out your purpose’ they would tell me, 

but it’s challenging to do so with a thousand expectations.

how do i succeed without taking risks and failing, 

all the while not giving up the image of success, 

that everyone had already drawn up for me.  

today, i still try to uphold that image, 

and simultaneously go on a quest to find my purpose.

on the days where i’m come close to giving up, 

a shameful voice in my head whispers the worst:

would it be easier if i wasn’t a child of immigrants?

[just-my-thoughts]

rain.

it pours and pours onto the earth, 

the smell of fresh grass ensues.

just like the way she does her emotions,

and watches the others glance. 

there sprouts new life with the drops,

weed or flower, can we not?

they look at her as she speaks, 

friend or foe, do you know?

and finally the sun shines after its over, 

but the effects of her rain lasts forever. 

[just-my-thoughts]

harry styles.

he waves to the world because they tell him it’s his oyster, 

but he travels around the world in a cloister. 

they say he goes through women like a its a parade, 

but no one tell us that it’s just their own charade. 

a kind, funny boy who came to know the world at fifteen,

but what of the man who grew along the world constantly seen. 

he made mistakes and grew from them, 

but did anyone see the man for what he was, a gem?

i fell in love the day he cried and said he was ‘free’,

and he became a corner to which i would happily flee. 

the world shouts his name today as he takes center stage,

“harry styles”, you lit up the world when you broke free of that cage. 

[just-my-thoughts]

is it selfish?

is it selfish, for i want you to look at me like i’m your world?

is it selfish, for i want you to blush when you read my texts?

is it selfish, for i want to be the one to kiss you against a wall?

is it selfish, for i want you to hold you in my arms forever?

is it selfish, for i want to be the one to tell you it’ll be alright?

is it selfish, for i want to make you see that you’re beautiful?

is it selfish, for i want to be brave and tell you i’ve loved you?

oh but it is selfish, because he was the one who did it first. 

[just-my-thoughts]

burnout

i’ve chased academic validation all my life, 

and it’s never failed to make me feel like a lowlife. 

and when my exam ended yesterday, 

i wondered what purpose would now guide the way. 

an exam season that feels like its lasted for my entire life,

is it scary that i don’t know if there’s an afterlife? 

i study and study and study, 

but would anyone notice until the situation becomes bloody?

i feel myself reaching a point of no coming back, 

losing focus and not cutting myself any slack, 

i keep telling myself there’s a greater goal, 

but how much harder it is to achieve without a foul,

because i can’t remember what i was working for, after all.  

[just-my-thoughts]

i wish you loved me

is it normal to only realize that you love them, 

after you’ve already lost them? 

i remember feeling the sharpest pain in my heart, 

when she told me her story the moment we were apart, 

‘i think he likes me back’ she said, 

“but shouldn’t you know that its real”, i replied back. 

because what is true love if you’re questioning if he loves you,

day after day he’d do things to woo you,

but all i could think about was how i would’ve done it better. 

is that wrong of me, to want to all to myself? 

if that selfish of me, to not be elated to see you happy? 

i say that i want you to find someone who deserves you. 

but what i can’t tell you 

is that i want that someone to be me. 

[just-my-thoughts]

the hundred and first try.

try until you succeed seems like a statement often overused

because they don’t tell you that unsuccessful tries are always refused

she wakes up each day to try again

only to see another failure in vain

it’s not just a failed test that bogs her down

it’s a job that turned her down

or the lack of a friend that makes her frown

life is full of ups and downs

but she keeps wondering when true happiness will make the rounds

i hope she gets up tomorrow and tries again

because what if the 101st try is what breaks the chain

[just-my-thoughts]

Her Diamond House

She tells me that she’d choose happiness over money

I laugh because I find that so funny

How can someone who grew up in a diamond house

Ever know what it’s like to live in a madhouse

What would she say when it dissipates into the thin air

Her books and clothes and pretty hair

Will she still look at me and say the same?

Or will she learn that the world is playing a game

I hope she find the happiness she’s looking for

And someday find that life’s so much more.

[just-my-thoughts]

Failed Forever

Sometimes it’s not meant to be,

Sometimes it’s not forever,

But every time you wish it weren’t the case.

Because everyone hopes for a chance

At finding their one true love,

Their partner till eternity,

The one who understands you

And the one whose love is unconditional.

The one who puts in effort

And the one who’ll follow you to the deepest pits of hell,

As soon as you say the word.

But more often than not,

that’s not the case.

Because there’s one cause or another

For all of it to fail.

But I hope my dear love,

That ours isn’t a causality.