You're growing tired of me

csa/gender dysphoria/ptsd/religious trauma related posts my vent blog

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Sometimes, other people's kindness feels like a threat.

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Screaming into the void, knowing no one will hear me.

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I hate ptsd. WHY DO I FEEL SO BAD WHEN EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING GREAT? WHY DO I HAVE TO FEEL DREAD AND FEAR WHEN LITERALLY NOTHING IS WRONG?? I HATE MY FLIGHT OR FIGHT, I FEEL LIKE I'M DYINGGGG AHHHH. I hate it so much. It's so tiring. And I can't bring it up cause I'll sound fucking crazy. I hate being like this.

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I hate to admit this, but I still have terrible issues with making/keeping friends. And I still hold on to my old sentiments deep down where I convince myself I'm not actually good enough to keep friends and maybe they're better off without me. When in reality, I'm the one thats ghosted them. And in reality, they probably would like to know what's going on with me. But it's so hard to move past that mental block of not feeling good enough. I self sabatoge a lot and idk what that's about. Sometimes I wonder if I need to get officially diagnosed with other things. I've only ever been diagnosed with C-PTSD, and that comes with a whole host of issues in itself. But I feel like there's something else wrong with me. I'm not just introverted, I'm anti-social. I'm terrified of people most of the time, and it's only gotten worse after my mom's death. It doesn't help I have trust issues.

And while I've convinced myself that I just don't deserve friends somehow, my gf said something recently that's really made me think. "You crave connections with others. And they crave to talk to you too." This was in response to the fact that, against my will almost, I've found small community in my hometown after starting my new job. I kinda just wanted to do the bare minimum and get the job done and get paid. But my job requires me to talk to people (I work retail). And so, people have come to me and said I'm their favorite cashier. And it baffles me cause I feel like I have about as much personality as a piece of cardboard, especially when I'm in work mode. And people have started growing connections with me and being kind to me. And as much as I like it, it terrifies me just as much because my deep rooted issues. I've realised, I too crave connection. But now I have to figure out what to do with this yearning. I feel like I'm terrible because once I do have someone in my life, I never want to let them go. I cling too tightly because I'm terrified of losing them. And it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because this clingy-ness turns people away. And I wish I wasn't like this but idk what to do about this.

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(Tw// Anxiety, CSA, Assault, Family Death)

I was only 10. The "mature" age of 10 when I learned that my body is only a plaything for others.

I was 10 when I felt like ending it all for the first time.

It took me years, and an amazing support system to try and not be disgusted with myself all the time.

I was 14 when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. She beat it.

But was she was re-diagnosed when I began my 20's. She didn't beat it this time.

My aunt died while I was in college, and I wasnt told until months after, because she looked after the person that did what he did I was 10.

My grandfather, doing his best to care for me, was jumped and attacked while getting the mail. I should've gone with him to the post office, but I didn't because of my depression because this was while my mom was in the hospital in her last few months. He survived, luckily, even though he was 90 years old. Because of his injuries, I had no way to get the hospital, so I lost out on precious time with my mom that I didn't know I didn't have.

All this is to say, that sometimes my loved ones try to reassure me that my anxiety is irrational, or that any terrible things I think about won't happen. But I know more than them, and they'll never understand just how much terrible shit has happened in my life the second my loved ones are out of my view. It seems paranoid, but at this point, it's only pattern recognition. I know things can and have gone terribly, and usually any terrible fear I can think of happening to those I love, has already gone even worse than I could possibly imagine.

I'm trying to be positive, and all things considered, I'm in a much better place than I thought I'd be a year after my mom's death. But it's hard to not be riddled with paranoia and anxiety sometimes. And it's even harder when those you love will never understand how reasonable these fears are, given my history.

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Update

cw: Grief, Illness, Transphobia

So, it's been a bit. I'm surprised I haven't used this blog more often to be honest. I, uh, have not been doing so great. I usually keep my posts pretty vague for my own sanity, but I think I should be more specific this time around, so that maybe others can find some value in my sharing. This past spring, I had lost my mom to cancer, the only parent I've ever had. It's been a pretty tumultuous grieving process, and my emotions have been all over the place. You see, I'm a (fairly) young trans man, and me and my mom had never got along. She never supported me, never referred to me as a man, all the way until the bitter end. Even though, I had come out to her many years ago by this point. I was angry with her, but I still took care of her for the full year after she got diagnosed. I didn't like her, but I did love her. And now, she's gone. It was a very emotionally exhausting last few weeks before she passed. She was in a lot of pain, and it was awful to see and hear how much she was suffering, especially knowing there was nothing I could do. When everything was over, I was grieving and crying a lot, but I was glad her pain was over.

It hurts a lot knowing she never got the chance to know the real me. I've suddenly been faced with this newfound independence that I didn't think I would have for at least another 10 years. For some reason, I suppose I thought I would handle her death better since we didn't get along. But no, I've been spending a lot of my time, depressed in bed, even months after her death. I guess what hurts the most is the lost chance. I suppose I always held the belief, subconsciously, that she would one day change her mind, and she would support me. But now I don't get that. On the other hand, I have this new independence, in which I'm suddenly able to maybe finally start hrt, and maybe get top surgery, which I didn't think I'd be able to for a long while. But at the same time, it's scary.

On top of all of these thoughts, I am just, so tired. I am so tired and exhausted of being traumatized. I can't help but feel like I will never catch a break. I was already struggling really bad with my c-ptsd before my mom got diagnosed. I've been trying to distract myself a lot lately, because for once in my life, I am so tired of crying. I used to cry a lot because I felt like it was good for me to let it out and regulate my system. But I am so so tired. It doesn't help that I don't have insurance atm, so I can't afford any professional help. Sometimes I just feel like giving up.

Anyways, I'm not sure how many people will care to read this, and I kind of rambled. But I kinda hope it will connect with someone else out there.

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I am so tired of my trauma and issues not being taken seriously, and then having to hide my issues for the comfort of others.

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I don't really know why, but I'm realising that I tend to downplay/discredit my ptsd. I've been interacting with media that has triggering subject matter lately, just because I like the story. I thought I've healed far enough away from my ptsd to handle such things. But I've been having terrible nightmares involving my trauma recently, and I think it's because of what I'm interacting with. Turns out, triggering things are triggering! I wish I could just interact with media without feeling gross, and having nightmares for days after.

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Shoutout to everyone dealing with depression and anxiety this holiday season. Sometimes it can feel isolating to be around others that are happy/seem to be happy during the holidays, when you aren't. But you're not alone, we're in this together.

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You must repent for everything that you are and cannot control. Pray for salvation from a God that cannot hear you.

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Update

Hey, so, long time no posting. I just got very busy with personal things in my life, and I moved away (physically) from some of the biggest things that were causing me mental anguish. I thought about deleting this blog multiple times, but I just... couldn’t as I’ve always thought I might need it in the future. My mental health has definitely gotten much better since I began this blog, and I’m happy about that. But I feel like I may return sometimes, just to let some things off my chest and to rant and such, because as I write this, I’m not doing too hot. I hope that’s okay with all of you, and if there are any that wish to unfollow, that’s perfectly okay. I just appreciate you for having listened to me, and I wish all of you the best. 

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//Suicidal thoughts

Long time no post here huh. In any case this past month has been a lot harder on me than usual. It's so stupid because in my personal life, I have no real reason for it, but I just wish I could just fall asleep and never wake up. I'm so tired of being tired and scared and stressed all the time. It makes me feel so stupid because honestly? I should be feeling so grateful and happy to be where I am in life, but that's what makes me even more upset. I feel as though by wanting to not be alive right now, I'm completely scorning the life i do have. And it makes me feel like an ungrateful brat. To put it "simply", by wanting to die, it makes me want to die even more because I want to die. I have no idea if that makes sense but I just needed something to ramble to.

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I've been feeling so shitty about my past. I know I was just a kid, but I still feel awful. I dont understand how anyone, even my s/o, can stand me. I'm horrible and I don't deserve any kindness.

And even while I hate myself, I still wish someone in my personal life would just ask me how I am, or how I'm doing. I'm always the first to reach out and talk to someone. But it's tiring. I just want people to think and care about me and I don't know how to process this. On one hand I hate myself for feeling so selfish and I feel as though i deserve to feel lonely, and that I brought this on myself. On the other, I just want someone to care about me and listen to my problems.

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Ya'll ever just not wanna be ✨perceived ✨

Like, I don't want to die, I just don't want people to know I ✨exist✨

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Tw: self harm

Question

I'm around 2 years clean from self harm but I still sometimes have an urge to do it. I'm in a much better place than I was in I first made this blog but sometimes I still really wanna do it. So does anyone have any good tips to at least slow down the urge to self harm?

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Ya'll ever just, kinda wanna die for no specific reason

With everything going on rn, kinda just dont want to fucking deal with anything and its stressing me tf out

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Flashbacks are killing me