I Have a Very Vivid Imagination.

INSPIRE,BELIEVE,DREAM, HOPE&WISH, LAUGH,CRY,BUILD UP OR BREAKDOWN..BUT MOSTLY..JUST LIVE (with a sprinkle of fangirling on the side)

[quotefeeling]

“Kill the part of you that believes it can’t survive without someone else.”

— Sade Andria Zabala, War Songs

[quotemadness]

“My only relief is to sleep. When I’m sleeping I’m not sad, I’m not angry, I’m not lonely, I’m nothing.”

— Jillian Medoff

[capitalletterlyrics]

leave a message // gnash

[the-book-diaries]

“It’s always nice being wanted. Even if it’s by the wrong person.”

— Tabitha Suzuma, Forbidden

[naturaekos]

“And it seems I must always write you letters that I can never send.”

—

[justanotherfangirldreamer]

You ever noticed how being the older child, everything, EVERYTHING is your fault!

Yeah....

[justanotherfangirldreamer]

He spoke to me the other day;

He was looking everywhere to find another face to ask, anyone other than me, but when I found what courage I had left in me, I stepped forward and spoke to him and just for a minute.

For one mere minute, it was just like it used to be, he looked at me and did a stupid giggle that he used to do, he spoke to me in the same way he used to, and just for that moment. I forgot.

I forgot how much I hate him for how he made me feel, I forgot how he cut me off with no explaination. I forgot how my heart broke and I cried for weeks if not months wasting tears on him. Because in that moment, he was back.

The person I missed so bad, he was back in front of me talking to me even if it was for only one minute and then it happened.

I saw a flicker in his eyes, a sort of sadness. I know because I see it in my own reflection when I think of him.

Like a rubber band reaches it snapping point.

He’d gone. Even though he was still in front of me, the guy I missed was gone. The smile had faded, his voice had changed and he just looked at me and asked me the time with a blank expression, the same expression he gave me a month after he cut me off and it was like he was just looking through me.

My heart shattered all over again; I scrunched up my fists and dug my nails into the palm of my hand, tight enough to leave marks but enough to give me the strength I needed not to cave in front of him.

I answered him and he started to walk away, but as he left I heard him mutter a quiet ‘see you later’ and I simply replied ‘bye’

[justanotherfangirldreamer]

She reminded me again tonight

That she has him

And I don’t!

But

This time, I didn’t have to bite my tongue in order to keep me from saying I don’t care (when I really I do)

This time, it felt different

It didn’t hurt as much, hardly at all in fact

I didn’t get that lump in my throat that comes from hearing something that’s a little hard to swallow

I didn’t feel my heart clench in my chest at hearing something I don’t want to hear

Instead

I had to fight the urge not to roll my eyes

To not sigh out of annoyance

Because

I’m sick of hearing it now. I don’t care about him or her or them and what they do

The worst part about it all, she told me which sides of the bed they sleep on

I was actually at a loss as to how pathetic she’s become

To think I care about it.

And if she does it to get a reaction so she can run back to him and tell him how I changed when she told me, it failed

Because my face didn’t change expression, my voice didn’t change it’s tone

She’s not worth it! He’s not worth it! The two of them together aren’t worth it!

What is worth it, is my happiness and my life

And I’ve realised it doesn’t need to involve either of them

They’re pathetic and it’s toxic to me

And toxic things don’t have a place in my world

So I’ve finally thrown it all away

She isn’t my friend and he isn’t worth a blink of an eye lash

Sometimes, letting go is easier than holding on

[justanotherfangirldreamer]

So there’s this guy.

And he’s really nice and he makes me smile and I like to see him and he seems like he likes me too

But

I’m frightened, the situation as a whole is starting exactly the same as the guy before, who convinced me that he liked me, that we could’ve been something, then he simply walked away and now acts like he never knew me at all. Like we never had those chats about our lives and the way we shared our fears. All the things we said we’d never shared with anyone else before. He doesn’t look at me now, his eyes haven’t met mine for ages, he doesn’t speak to me anymore, he doesn’t even see me when I’m stood right there in front of him, I’ve become invisible to him. I’ve been deleted.

I know they’re not all the same

But

Hearts breaking hurts too much and I don’t know if I can have that rib crushing feeling again

The way I was made to feel like nothing! To be rejected as if I never existed - it’s the worse feeling of all

It took so much of my heart, it broke so much of me, I’ve never been the same since.

[justanotherfangirldreamer]

I saw him you know, the other day; the first time in months. He hadn’t changed, he looked no different; the boy who broke my heart. This time I didn’t want to break down and cry when I looked at him, I just felt nothing instead. As I watched him from a far, not fully understanding why I was just numb to the bone, I saw him look at me, I know he saw me and I saw that look in his eyes; disappointment or maybe sadness or hurt, for himself or for me I don’t know. He looked away as quickly as he blinked and he deliberately took another path to avoid me. We haven’t spoken for nearly a year and that hurts, it still confuses me that I don’t know what I did or why he just cut me off after everything; and even though I’ve moved on, there’s still something I can’t let go, the last bit of emotion that clings to my heart and I hate him, I hate that he made me feel worthless. I hate that he made me feel like nothing, like we’d never even known each other, like we’d never spoken, never gotten close, like the past wasn’t real. How do you do that to someone? How do you make them hate themselves; he made me question what I’d done wrong when I’d done nothing wrong! He made me feel so small and for what? What has he gained from it? Because all I see now when I look at him, is a boy full of regret, I see it in those brown eyes every time he tries to avoid my gaze, I see the way he wants so badly to say something to me, I see the way he wants to look over when I’m laughing with my friends, I see it all. So why? Because the one thing I can never forgive, is the way he made me feel like I never even existed at all.

L.

[moodswings101]

this really touched me

[cloudyredskies]

oh, how it hurts to be alone.

[liantelac]

Sometimes I feel like I’m not enough. As if I’m not worth to be remembered, so people just forget about me. No matter how hard I try people will always see me as an insignificant and boring person. That hurts. Like, a lot.

[justanotherfangirldreamer]

I’ve suddenly realised what love is and what it feels like when you’ve moved on.

I saw him again for the first time in years, yes, my breath still hitched in my throat and the world stopped spinning for a second, but that was all. There was no heart ache, there was no longing, there was no wanting to cry; I miss him, I always do- when there’s something amazing happens in my life it’s still always him I would love to tell. But you see, this time, when I saw him, I saw him with another girl and I saw him looking happy and I realised, that was all I ever wanted, I wanted him to be happy. He was so kind and thoughtful and my god he deserved happiness even if it wasn’t with me and even if it hurt me so bad that I couldn’t be his happiness I’m so glad he’s found it now. Because, I could never hate him, I would never be able to find it within myself to hate him because I loved him; I loved him so much all I ever wanted was for him to be happy. One day, I hope we meet again and we get to talk and laugh together and maybe relearn each other, but for now, I’m just glad that I’ve seen him and I know he’s ok and that life is treating him kind, because even if my life isn’t the same and my life isn’t all too kind to me, at least I know one thing- I had the power in the end to let go and that, that is love and even though I’m no longer in his life and he’s not in mine and even though he never knew how I really felt I feel at peace with myself that I know I loved him and a part of me always will and while ever he’s happy that’s ok.

L. July 2019

[remanence-of-love]

[justanotherfangirldreamer]

I saw him yesterday, for the first time in 10 years. He had a similar hairstyle but he looked slightly different. But he was still him. And it still hurt. And just the mere glance I took stole the breath from my lungs and stopped me in my tracks, instantly stumbling over the conversation I was having with someone else. I used to love looking at him, seeing him smile, this time, even all those years on, my heart couldn’t take it. I stole a glance I looked away. I knew where it ended and everything that came after; the endless what ifs, the blaming myself, the tears, the internal battle within myself because maybe I was never good enough. It didn’t matter how much I wanted to say hello to him yesterday, the overwhelming knowledge of how you should never have to feel stopped me and pulled me back. I don’t need anyone to make me love myself anymore, I can do that all alone now. I have the power within me now to stand strong alone and smile for no one but myself. You see, I may be broken in some parts but when you learn how to start gluing them back together yourself you notice that you can be stronger than ever.

- L. 27/04/19

[zipofcloud]