I got a new phone and it brought me here. Isn't that funny? I had completely logged out and turned off notifications, and then suddenly the app loads and here I am.
I never thought I would do that. Not with this account.
I hope you're all well. I miss this place, but it often feels like a dress that is beautiful on the hanger but also fits me falsely. I want this place to be something it simply isn't anymore. To be fair, social media is dying all over, and our sense of community has been fractured.
The internet, the one place I always felt like I belonged, is now an alien world full of bots and ragebait and AI slop and wars and genocide and influencers who are wait. ABSOLUTELY. OBSESSED. with this product!!!!
I feel very much like I am moving into a new form. I am awake in a way that makes me pretty excruciating to be around, if I'm honest. But I am also powerful in a way that creates a wake of energy around me. Like a long, heavy cloak that adds gravity to my every step.
My sense of time, which I can usually guess to the minute, even out of a dead sleep, is almost totally lost. I can't seem to grasp what time it is, ever, and I lose hours at a time just as easily as hours melt into molasses around me, stretching on like a single bead of condensation running down a glass.
A few weeks ago I meditated so hard I actually thought to myself in a panic, "I don't know where I am. I don't know who I am."
"Open your eyes," said a soft voice, and I was back in my bathtub. Back to myself? But also with that surreal pins and needles numbness that soaked down into my soul, to the very core of who I think I am.
And who is that, exactly?
Last night I could hear A Voice (I don't know who, someone I don't recognize) so loudly in my head that it made my skull vibrate.
"Oh you are dialed in now," they said. "Are you ready?"
No, to be honest. And yes.
But really? No.
I'm back into prepping, stocking up my go bag, and this week I'll probably get serious about buying some non-perishables. Our media is entirely state controlled, and most people don't know how much trouble we're in. I have January 2020 feelings, where I'm wailing and gnashing my teeth, and everyone else is rolling their eyes.
I don't know where I belong anymore. I don't know what future to plan for. I feel like we're dreaming through life right now, waiting for someone to tell us all what to do.
I'm also madly in love, loved in a way that truly emphasizes the damage that has been done to me my entire life. Love as a controlled burn, destroying everything that once looked like a home. Waiting for the new growth through the ash. Trying to be grateful for the endless rains that wash away every trace of familiar landscape in my life.
I find myself searching for relief, for rest, for strength. How can I be so content, so at ease, so comfortable, in the face of tremendous suffering and violence? How can I be silent when the world itself is wailing?
How many times can a person burn in their life before they become fireproof? How often must someone be the example of survival? How do we find love in a world that throbs with rage?
Who am I, if not the person who will never be silent?
