what am i, hedwig?

just a big gulp of blarg. all the posts that don't fit the aesthetic of my main

[soktokki]

Haikyuu x ghibli 🌱🌱 my full piece for the hq ghibli zine, inspired by "my neighbors the yamadas" which i absolutely love!! Its such a good, fun movie, i totally recommend it if you haven't seen it before!!!

(Bonus points if you can tell me what scene this is from. Its not that hard tho ngl 😂) i hope you think this is fun bc i really enjoyed thinking of what poses to put them all in 😋

[justaspoonfulofnothing]

i'm obsessed

[justaspoonfulofnothing]

i think i'm just gonna talk a bunch of shit cos it's 1:43am and what better time than now tbh idk i've been staying up till 5am almost every single day for the past two or three weeks and i know it's cos i'm in a depressive episode again and then i literally can't get myself to sleep cos thoughts are scary and i'd rather just distract myself for as long as possible, but i also know that i suffer from insomnia, or have, like at this point idk what's the reason for what here anymore cos sometimes no matter how tired i am i still need hours to fall asleep and it used to be so much worse, but also like maybe it would be worse if i didn't stay up doing stuff till 5am for a change and shouldn't i actively try to fix that anyway like i'm destroying a perfectly fine sleeping schedule and am basically erasing half a day of productivity whenever this happens and i want to wake up at least at 10am or sth but for that i have to fall asleep earlier but whenever i put my phone down or stop listening to music or whatever a million things race through my head but maybe it wouldn't be this bad if i didn't occupy my brain with phone things all day cos i know i'm not giving myself any room to think but i'm doing that cos i'm kind of afraid of my thoughts like it's nothing serious but i kinda have so much anxiety that i even run away from my thoughts idk is that even a thing? i have to confront my thoughts and let them exist cos otherwise it'll only get worse and also what kind of person could i be if i did that but also there's so many things happening in my life right now and all of them are scary as fuck and i am not neurotypical like at all so maybe i just deal so much worse with certain life things idk listenting to music through headphones is like my one safe way of escaping overwhelming situations and calming myself and it also gives me so much joy so i know i won't wanna change that ever but i need to either find more things or idk like i know i can't let my brain run free all the time cos that'll make me combust and also other people and that's not safe but like how do i think thoughts without ruining my mental health when not thinking my thoughts is also ruining my mental health but thinking them will guaranteed make me spiral idk maybe i'm just scared i always flee i never fight i have so much anxiety in me istg ik the answer is therapy but i'm also terrified of that like i wanna get help and i'm literally about to get help but i have to do adult tasks to get to that point and it'll mean being in a foreign environment for a period of time and being with strangers and doing things i hate hate hate so much and being away from my dog who is pretty much the only living being i actually give a shit about and would die for and whenever i'm not with him i just want to cry and ik that's probably a very unhealthy dependence but wtf am i supposed to do about that i'm the type of person that infuriates me like how can i ruin everything for myself it took me like five years to get to this point and now all i wanna do is run away i always wanna run away what the fuck happened that made me this way like i know i've always been like this but how did nobody notice or try to teach me to like not be like that or at least challenge it like how did i make it through school with an incredibly small number of presentations how the fuck did i make it through school period tbh i know i had a wall up cos i never thought about any of the things that happened to me and the things that i struggled with but how thick and tall was that wall man part of me is so glad i took that wall down three years ago cos it got me a diagnosis that i have wanted for five but part of me also regrets it cos now i know so much about myself and it seems like i struggle more cos i'm not dissociated all day every day i guess that's a good thing but when times are bad you kinda just wish you were delirious again idk

[understands]

[destroymylife]

[recaption]

[justaspoonfulofnothing]

wow the spacing in that last one SUCKS but i can't be arsed i'm exhausted

[justaspoonfulofnothing]

I HAD A WEIRD DREAM WHAT DOES IT MEAN

i dreamt i was in berlin and then i went just like strolling around this convention type thing and i saw timothée chalamet cos apparently i dream about him weekly now and i poured two sth alcoholic and rose and asked if he wanted one and sat down next to him and it was great

then fully clothed we jumped in a pool and from the pool ran like twenty metres inside the ocean still fully clothed and it was great and then i realised i had my brothers diabetes tech in my backpack and panicked but then it was all good

timmy flat out ignored me after that and turned around and gave my drink to some woman and i got pissed and drank them both then cos fuck them i was having a good time conversing anyway so i storm off walk over this piazza or sth and then jake paul is there???

i'm walking quite fast and then notice two dudes walking with me/circling me and then he asks me for a picture and tells me i have to smile cos he wants to promote how great fun he is or some SHIT and i say no a dozen times and he still ignores me and takes a picture and of course he grins cos he doesn't give a shit and i get loud cos i've had it and then some dumb dude says i shouldn't get so loud COS THAT'S THE SOCIETY WE LIVE IN and then i basically fled

weird ass people followed me everywhere they acted like they were on strange drugs there was this girl just looking at me and moving in a way that should be humanly impossible i hated every second of it anyway so i go inside this building cos quite a few people were and i wanted to find out what it was and it's still a convention right so i go and

WEIRDEST FUCKING MISTAKE OF MY LIFE so it's gigantic first off and there's stories and they connect with like angled alleyways type things like imagine stairs without the stairs basically and it's so HUGE and it's dark but also there's lighting and i just follow the glow right now and then there's a fucking rave happening but i hate it and it looks like everyone has a clue except me and they're all so happy and i can't stand it and i leave and go to another giant room and then i wanna leave that but the bouncers say i can't and so i say i have to call my mum real quick and then i am back and they still say no so i force my way through and then i just leave which takes forever cos it's the weirdest building OF ALL TIME

so i'm outside now and then it gets dark real quick and i saw a random ass fire and then fireworks start happening and people are so happy and i'm just terrified i'm gonna get burned cos they seem to start off real close and then jon richardson is there??? saying it's all bs cos idk now he's my rationale or??? this weird guy says "oh really" and then suddenly jon is dreamy as fuck and laughing and surrounded by colour and i'm witnessing it like i'm right above him and i hate it and flee and then i'm at this pension type thing but again WEIRD ALLEYWAYS THAT SHOULD BE DARK BUT AREN'T

anyway there's this lady there but idfk so a while later i hear the bell ring and i go and it's a customer but they have a super weird fish like thingy that's a papermache mask on and i'm saying "how was the party" and they say "amazing" and ask for room number five and my dumb ass almost lets them in but then i say like one moment please i'm bringing my boss or wtv cos i'm playing dumb then and i close the door and lock every single fucking lock and then go ask the lady. also suddenly i have that fishes paper they were holding in my own hand and it says creepy things like basically wtf is going on and i should find out and if it's true so help me which like HOW IS THIS MY FAULT except it kinda is cos i'm the one dreaming so i go and wanna ask the lady but she just points down a for once less narrow alleyway and i go and weird guy who turned jon is there and at this point i'm just terrified and playing the game also i just realised he looks like zombie alien cop from TGWDLM??? or maybe that's just cos all these weird people just keep smiling with dead eyes when they shouldn't... great fun.

so i'm just saying wtf is going on but say i'm cool with it and he begins to explain it to me and oh well at some point i woke up and i forgot that part now

WHAT DOES THIS MEANNN

also at some point idr when but i think before all of all of this i was in a furniture type store like an ikea except it was an actual house with rooms and friends were there and we had to choose a room to make a list of what MY mum needed cos a guy told us to and i wanted the bedroom and didn't get it so i wanted the kitchen and didn't get it but i'm just like IT'S MY MUM??? I KNOW??? also it wasn't just friends there were also just other people from my school year. i graduated three years ago??? anyway so i tell them how i should get the kitchen but i didn't so i walk around a long table and boom.

timothée chalamet.

WHO BY THE WAY WAS THE ONLY OTHER PERSON STILL IN THEIR RIGHT MIND. so him abandoning me and then i go on this fucking trip??? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEANNN

[mischon]

Manfred Kielnhofer - from The Guardians of Time

[justaspoonfulofnothing]

mood

[eliminated]

[glitternose]

[goodreadss]

Autumn Landscape with Four Trees, Vincent van Gogh 1885

Landscape with Pollard Willows, Vincent van Gogh 1884

[clearslime]

❥ | ifyouhigh on ig

[infected]

by joesee.

[saturdaygrace]

[phfantasists]

Marco Bozzato by Sofia Goncharenko – Haze Magazine (Winter 2020)

[sustancy]

[nubbsgalore]

in finland’s riisitunturi national park, siberian spruce trees become covered with tykky, a hard rime formed as supercooled water droplets in fog freeze to the windward side of the tree branches. some trees can collect as much as three to four tonnes of this white ice, which is less dense than the familiar clear ice. photos by (click pic) eki ollila, sara winter, pekka koski, rafael rojas, and hanneke luijting