never ever give up.

hello, my name is Audrey. i have an eating disorder, it sucks, but i'm living with it, and trying to make the most of my life. all pictures on this blog are of me. please read my FAQ page before asking a question. i won't answer a question if it is already posted on there.

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goodbye, sweet world, I am dead. they’re both perfect.

LMDC Indy was incredible. We got to tell Darren that was used his music in our vows and that I walked down the aisle to a song of his and he was so flattered, it was the cutest thing honestly. He was super sweet about my broken wrists, both he and Lea were so gentle and nice and concerned about how tf I did it lol. And then during the show he sang I Don’t Mind and said “I met a lovely young couple who told me they used these lyrics in their vows” and then he saw us in the front row and said “i’m so glad I couldn’t see you while I was singing that because I would have gotten teary.”

a perfect night, i couldn’t have asked for anything more.

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some select faves

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just got our wedding pictures back so I'll share more eventually but like I married the most perfect human

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just an old married couple at another wedding

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hey team, we did it!

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I know I've essentially abandoned tumblr, but I'm doing well - wedding is one month from today and we're both sick of planning and ready for it to be here. in other news, got a tattoo of my mom's handwriting yesterday and I'm obsessed

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went to a 5k this morning with the full intention to just walk it. made the mistake of bringing Matt with me. ended up running the whole thing. literally I haven't run at all in two years, and the last time I ran a 5k without any walking would have been like 2011. so, high five to myself for doing that

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LA trip is going so well! landed at like 8:30, drove to Santa Monica and rode bikes along the beach, saw the most giant puppy ever, walked around, drove to our air bnb, and now we are chilling before dinner and the show. I've heard GREAT things about last night's show so I'm fucking pumped for tonight.

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update on my eye : still v blurry, still can’t see out of my right eye basically at all. stuck wearing my glasses for at least another week (which is bad because they’re like 9+ years old and not up to prescription at all). plus I’m actually blind so like showering is so difficult and straightening my hair and doing my makeup is so stupidly hard. they think my cornea is scratched so I have drops to try and fix it and hope it’s better by the time I go back to the eye doctor again next monday. I’m also so exhausted because I’m straining to see all day and I feel ugly af in my glasses because they are cheap and ugly and were only meant to be worn at home, not in public. also my ears are crooked so my glasses sit crooked on my face.

also we’re going to LA to see the Little Mermaid and I’m honestly really sad because I’m not really going to be able to see the stage very well with these glasses.

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since Monday my right eye has been getting blurrier and blurrier. I thought it was my contact but I switched to a new one and nothing changed. finally went to the eye doctor today and he said it looks like my retina is swollen so now I get to go have more tests done tomorrow. I'm seriously nervous there's something terribly wrong and like what if I'm going blind in my right eye or need surgery or there's my anxiety for you. but seriously pray that it's an easy fix, whatever it is

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are you willing to share you diet and exercise routine for those of us who are recovered and wanting to be fit?

nope, mostly because it's different for everyone and what works for me won't work for you or the next person, and vice versa.also because I'm paying my trainer for it so I'm not going to post it all over the Internet

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when the baby knows momma doesn't feel well

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I'm just wondering, how are you doing this intense gym and diet training without relapsing? And I don't mean to come off with any sort of tone other than genuinely wondering. Every time I go back to the gym I get caught in the unhealthy cycle and have to stop. Wondering how you've managed it!

hi!I think first and foremost, I had several years of working on recovery before I jumped into this program. I had gotten to a point where I had a balanced diet and wasn't afraid to indulge, and I also had established a fairly healthy relationship with the gym. part of that was Matt - he helped me feel more comfortable in situations with food, and we would go to the gym together, so I wasn't over exercising because we had driven together so I couldn't just stay there for hours doing cardio.that being said, I did struggle initially with the plan, and I still do. not so much with the gym - by the time I do the workouts my trainer has for me, I'm exhausted and sweaty and ready af to go home and chill and read a book and cuddle with my puppies. Matt has been holding me accountable on the food end of things - usually I have trouble with my last meal of the day, because I'm tired or not hungry. he'll bring me my last meal and make sure I eat it. other than that I haven't had too many problems - I get really anxious when I have to bring meals to things or not eat anything when I go out to a restaurant, but more often than not, Matt is by my side doing it with me. thankfully it's a really structured meal plan, there's no creativity or variation - which can get tedious, but also means there's no place for me to take shortcuts on calories.

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Hey Audrey! Eating less carbs really isn't ideal! Our brain runs primarily on carbs, as does our body. Cutting carbs, is just making your body go into ketosis which is basically known as 'starvation mode'. Good luck on your health journey tho :)

thanks but I hired a nutritionist/personal trainer for his opinion so I’m going to do what he’s telling me to do!!!

also it's not just low carbs all the time, it's carb cycling, so it's an every other day thing.

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it’s my first day of carb cycling so everyone pray for me and more importantly pray for Matt because me without carbs is not going to be fun for anyone

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update: wasn't as cranky as anticipated but holy shit I'm so exhausted. I'm eating 900 calories less on low carb days than high carb days but I'm doing the same intensity workouts. that's going to be a really hard adjustment - my cardio today was not my best, and it's because I was dragging so hard by the time I got to it, after work and lifting. got home at 7 and fell asleep immediately. Matt woke me up at 8:30 to eat and now I am back in bed and so ready to eat some carbs tomorrow.

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it’s my first day of carb cycling so everyone pray for me and more importantly pray for Matt because me without carbs is not going to be fun for anyone

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LOOK at his perfect pug face