When There's No One Else

[justhadtogetthatout]

At 25 years old I am finally going back to college.

This is the first thing that I have truly wanted in over 8 years and it figures that my depression rears its bastard head just as I’m finally in a position to go for the things that may make my life a little more fulfilling.

Everyday the thought of I just would rather not crops up and blanket coats the day in a thin layer of disappointment. And it would be different if that thought was just in correlation with school because then I would know it’s just my anxiety being a dick and I could ignore it because my want for education is greater than the bullshit self doubt.

But the thought of I just would rather not is about life in general and that thought is big enough to overshadow everything else.

And it’s so ridiculously not okay because I have such a good life! So why the hell does my mind feel the need to bombard itself with misery? I am at a place in my life where I should be ecstatic to wake up in the morning knowing I’m going to go out, take life by the balls and make it my bitch.

Yet here I am wishing there was a magic button that could wipe my existence off of the face of the earth, out of the hearts and minds of my friends and family. Poof. Like I was never here in the first place.

This disease is fucking rude. I'm so sick of screwed up brain chemistry ruining what should be amazing monumental moments in my life!

It's like I have two seconds of happiness and that's it, my neurotransmitters get all dried up and all I'm left with is I just would rather not. FUCK!

But most of it's my fault, I know that. I only take half the dose of my antidepressant. It's just that I feel manic when I take it all. I feel so happy and it terrifies me because I know the higher I am the farther I have to fall and it's going to fucking hurt!

I'm like a Looney Tunes character when I'm on the full dose. Soaring high for a while just to suddenly realize I've run off a cliff. I look down, realize that's the only direction I have to go, and I plummet.

So instead, I take the half dose and cruise at a comfortable indifference. There's a few spikes into happiness, some dips into the dark but it's usually pretty steady. Boring but safe.

But something like this, going back to school, has me starting on an incline. I'm starting to feel excited, I'm looking forward to something for once, I'm making plans. Things are looking up.

But of course my brain latches on to the fact that I'm happy and says NOPE! Can't have that! and drags me back down before I can get too high. But it overcompensates and now I'm scuffing the ground. I'm getting chipped away at, my excitement is left in the dust.

Now, my dreams that I want to accomplish have have been abraded enough to lose their shine and have simply become tasks that need to be completed.

Joy: the thing that pushes life from being something you have to do over into to something you get to do.

Joy: I don't have it. But I want it.

[justhadtogetthatout]

“Happy” Birthday!!

Bullshit. Hard to be happy about a day you wish never happened.

[justhadtogetthatout]

Summary of my life

Friend just asked for advice on how to reach out to and support someone with depression. Gave her the best advice I could but yeah, that one stung a little bit considering she’s been my friend for 15 years and never once reached out to me even though she’s one of the few people who really know how badly I struggle. Sure, I’ll help you help someone else while I quietly drown in fantasies of my own demise, no problem! Typical.

[depression-healthy-carrier]

ever miss yourself? the person you were, before you became depressed, before you started hating yourself, before you wanted to die.

[justhadtogetthatout]

I surfaced out of the Darkness a while ago but still find myself wanting to dive back into its familiar depths

[broken-from-memories]

Why am I still so angry at him, I don’t want it to consume me anymore

[larissapanda]

[justhadtogetthatout]

Exactly This

Hyperbole and a Half - Allie Brosh 

Depression 

Part 1 Part 2 

[justhadtogetthatout]

I always wanted my mom to ask me what it was like. When I wouldn’t be able to answer that I would hope she’d try again, maybe what it felt like. But I wouldn’t know how to answer that either. I’d probably say “nothing” and she wouldn’t understand. But then hopefully she would ask “what do you mean nothing? Are you sad? Angry? Upset? What makes you happy?” and again I’d say “nothing” which would bring a weird look to her face and she would say again that she doesn’t understand. And then I’d lose any nerve that I mistakenly thought I had and say “never mind, it’s nothing” and try to walk away but then maybe, just maybe, she’d gently grab my arm and make me sit back down and say “now hold on, I want to figure this out, I want to help” and slowly, patiently, we would work together to find that magical combination of questions that would eventually unlock the door to a mutual understanding. But no. Anytime I hint at an issue or possible research subject all I ever seem to get is “is this more of that depression shit?” so, like always, I say “never mind, it’s nothing” and she lets me walk away. 

[justhadtogetthatout]

I used to love the holidays but now, being surrounded by my family just reminds me how completely and totally alone I am

[justhadtogetthatout]

Kinda hard to celebrate a day you wish had never occurred

[justhadtogetthatout]

I'm bored by life.

[justhadtogetthatout]

If Only a Fish Could Drown

Nothing but a sea of darkness surrounds me. Waves of devastation crash over me at the simple realization that morning will come and more likely than not I will wake with the sun whose warmth is unable to penetrate the frigid depths of this miserable existence.

[justhadtogetthatout]

☑️G. Overwhelmed with the desire to no longer exist

[justhadtogetthatout]

Existential Epiphany

Out of all the moments in our lives I'm not sure if there's a better moment than the one when you're driving down the road you drive down a thousand times but just a little slower than normal cause you had a rough day at work or you're walking out of the store for the second time that day because you forgot the eggs and your brain slowly tunes in to the sound of the tires on the street or the soft thud of your shoes on the pavement. Then, all of a sudden it's like you're hyper-aware of your own being. The feel of your clothes on your skin, the warmth of the sun on the back of your neck, the weight of the phone that's fused to your hand, the sore hangnail that you refuse to stop picking at, the warm spot that you've created on the couch but don't bother to move even though you're no longer comfortable because you know if you do it'll be the equivalent of bathing in the Antarctic. But in that moment it's like you can feel every atom. You look at your surroundings or you look down at your feet and in that moment you really truly feel the earth beneath you. Here you are, a one-of-a-kind soul, a loved by God spirit, all wrapped up in a beautiful body with a custom brain putting out a unique personality that ebbs, flows, and changes with the tides of life. In that moment it becomes clear how monumental your existence is and yet how unbelievably insignificant it is at the same time. You're a temporary microscopic pinprick on this intimidatingly large rock in an unfathomably endless void who has the potential to create and destroy, build up and break down, love and hate everyone and everything around you. Your one transient life sending ripples through other transient lives, permanently fabricating the history, the legacy that is You. There is only 7 billion some people on this planet and you are one of the chosen few given the gift and responsibility of existence. The realization of that, an "existential crisis", usually causes panic but today, for the first time ever, mine created a sense of peace that I've never felt before. The handful of crises that I had before filled me with dread because I wasn't where I belonged, I wasn't being who I was meant to be, the purpose for my existence wasn't being fulfilled. But now that's all changed. Life is no longer unbearably abrasive because I am finally on the path God has set before me. Now don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near perfect! I stray and mess up constantly but I am blessed with a Savior who loves me anyway. He is with me always to guide me back to the straight and narrow. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

[justhadtogetthatout]

This is easily my absolute favorite picture I have ever taken. These 4 people possess more of my love than I even thought myself capable of feeling. As I sat there watching my aunt flip through her family album while my cousins and uncle sat in attention my chest physically started to ache with love. Yesterday, June 17th, marked one year since I moved in with them. In just one short year I went from being totally lost, depressed, and suicidal to being truly happy, joyful, and content. After years of living in darkness I now wake up in the morning happy that I do. I walk outside and feel the sun warm my spirit. I look at my family and friends and feel the love that I was once incapable of feeling. My soul is so content with the wonderful little life I have been given. I now thrive because of the quality that I need, not the quantity I thought I wanted. It is because of these 4 people and the amazing grace of God that the smile permanently plastered on my face is genuine.

[justhadtogetthatout]

Things are Better

I started taking my medication again. Obviously from my last few posts things started to get really dark again, dark enough that I couldn't ignore it. I still had a full bottle of Fluoxetine so I thought I'd give it another shot hoping this time I could handle the side effects. So far so good! Things with my career are going wonderfully! I actually look forward to getting appointment notices and truly enjoy what I'm doing. Now that my brain chemistry is getting back in track I am actually started to feel like a normal human being. Now I just have to get my anxiety in check and my faith back in gear and I'll be golden. For the first time in a long time those goals actually seem somewhat obtainable. :)