Big Boy Antonin

The big fun Man of the supreme court

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Sonia Sotomayor corks her gavel……..but you didn’t hear it from me…

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For me, the sad part of someone describing something as “half empty” isn’t because they’re focusing on the emptiness. Not because they’re focusing on the negative, the darkness, the void. Not because they’re simply being pessimistic. It isn’t that. It’s that, the empty half of your cup, or gas tank, or bucket, whatever it is, is simply air. The air that is so abundant across our magnificent planet. The air that reaches all around us, inescapable air. And on the scale of your container, your beautiful container— full of whatever it is that you treasure— on that scale, you choose to focus on the one thing that you will simply never run out of: the air.

Me, Justice Antonin Gregory Scalia, oral arguments, Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission (2010)

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Clarence Thomas and I are building a treehouse in the backyard of the supreme court. No girls allowed except Ruth.

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I'd say I'm the funniest Justice on the Supreme Court. But it's not a competition.

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I've always thought that the majority opinion in the Supreme Court was equivalent to liking something on tumblr, and the dissenting opinion was equivalent to reblogging. Elena Kagan thinks it's the other way around, and we once got into a fistfight about it. I won't say who won.

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I remember my first day on the job at the Supreme Court. My wife gave me a big smooch on the cheek, as I left the house. I showed up, rather confident. I made my way down the halls of the building, until I finally got to the courtroom. I waltzed up to the bench and plopped down my briefcase. All was well until I looked at my colleagues, and realized I was wearing the wrong type of robe! I was wearing my plush Italian flag BATHROBE from Old Navy. Boy was I embarrassed. I'll never forget the look Chief Justice Rehnquist gave me. He just said “Oh Antonin, you’ve really done it this time!” To this day, I’ve never made the same mistake.

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People always ask me "Our good fellow Antonin, tell us: What is your great tradition before you hear the law arguments at the Supreme Court?" The answer is one big crack of the knuckles. I typically ask for silence amongst the court, and then I interweave my fingers and push my hands toward the American flag, thereby cracking them. The kids especially love it and it's a tradition I hope to continue for as long as I'm physically able.

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I asked Chief Justice "John" Roberts if I could install a full-size Sicilian woodfire pizza oven underneath my section of the bench at the Supreme Court. He said he'd think about it, but probably not. I remain hopeful.

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What should I name my son? Any ideas? I'd love to hear em! Perhaps, it shall be Zephyrinus, or maybe even Marcellinus. Aha! I've got the name! It shall be Antonin!!

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Look, I’m still looking for that big one. The big kahuna, the spicy meatball, the great wall. Whatever you wanna call it. That one juicy case that I can just tear open, really make some waves with. I think about it all the time. All of history’s famous fellas have had theirs. Moby Richard had the White Whale. George Washington had America and whatnot. My grandmother had my mother. Why not me? Why not fancy man Antonin, eh? Methinks I deserve it. I don’t know what the case will be, maybe some whopper about drugs, or perchance the 3rd amendment. But ooohhh I tell ya, I think about her constantly. Slender, sleek, those cheekbones of a goddess. "Check out the brief on that one!" they'll say! They'll all say it.

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I remember when THEY took this, and can I just say…..they got this one right. From my beautiful palms, to my refreshing bottle of water………they got this one right