it’s been a while since i last wrote about how i feel… and lately, i’ve been reflecting about how infrequently i reflect. it feels like just yesterday that 18 year-old me was starting college in China. now it’s been over 6 months since i graduated and i’m turning 23 tomorrow…. just typing that number alone feels weird. i started this creative journey around age 12, so i always viewed myself as young in comparison to the people i looked up to. everyone always said, "you're young, you have time." it really did feel like i had so much time to accomplish my goals and become the person i wanted to be. but not any more. my relationship with time has changed.
they say time is a social construct, and i’ve always battled with my perception of it. as an impatient person, i’m constantly feelings the pressures of time, both from myself and society. my level of ambition always makes me feel like i need to be doing something at every moment because there isn't enough time. any idle time not spent working on my goals makes me feel guilty. before i went off to college, i was apprehensive about the major time investment. at that time i was so passionate and confident that i could succeed at photography, that not attending college was a frequent thought. fast forward four years later, i’m grateful to have a degree but it definitely feels bittersweet. i’m proud of the growth i’ve made in my career, but always have those thoughts in the back of my head. “what if you put that four years into your passion?” i know it’s not a good habit to constantly be wondering “what if?” so i've been reflecting on how i can balance these thoughts. i think the first step is to focus less on how much time is left, and more on the quality of the time i'm spending here on earth. "i'm here for a good, not a long time."
one question i’ve been asking myself a lot lately is “are you happy?”. as an adult now, happiness is so much more complicated than it used to be. life doesn't feel as simple. i can’t just float around freely without constantly thinking about the future. more responsibilities, more pressure, more everything. as an over thinker, i’ve let these pressures get the best of me. i think the main reason why it feels like the years have been flying by, is because i've been focusing on the pressure and neglected to reflect and check in with myself. i’ve been moving through life so quickly and putting so much pressure on myself to succeed that i rarely took time to be present in the moment. with a new chapter in my life coming soon, one of my goals is to focus more on happiness & worry less about the future. yes, i’ll be just as hard working and focused, but with less worrying involved. i’m slowly learning to cope with the fact that regardless of what happens in the future, everything will be alright. so long as my mind is right, and i’m headed in the right direction, i can manifest greatness. i guess this is a reminder to myself & anyone else who needs it... to take it easy on yourself & be proud of who you are in this moment. everything will fall into place.
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