Over a year ago, I had this dream. It was 90% stress induced from all my grad school applications and not knowing where to go and trying to work two jobs at the same time. But I had this dream that because of grad school, I was so busy that I couldn’t be in PFTM anymore. So I ended up dropping my characters one by one as time constraints forced me to do so, until all I had left was Aurora, who I only kept until Dirora broke up, and then I left the rp entirely. At the time, it scared the shit out of me, because PFTM was what was getting me through the fact that all my friends were living on their own and getting jobs and I was still living with my parents and working part time retail. But I kind of laughed it off and moved on.
This rambling story is to say I think I reached that point and didn’t even realize it. PFTM has been my home for so long, but I haven’t really been able to be an active part of it -- the way I should be with two Order members this late in the war -- for almost a year. And I suppose I could keep waiting for it to get better, but that’s not fair to anyone. It’s not fair to the people who play my characters’ siblings, it’s not fair to their ship partners, and it’s not fair to their friends.
But most importantly, it’s not fair to me. It’s gotten to the point where PFTM isn’t a place where I go to relax, it’s just another place where I feel as if I have too much to do and not enough time to do it in. It isn’t the fun environment where I went to relax and distance myself from normal life that it used to be, and I have more than enough stress on my plate without adding something that should be a hobby to it. There’s been a lot of anxiety and negativity thrown around here for months. Judging from posts I’ve seen on people’s personals the last few weeks, I’m not the only one who feels like PFTM isn’t the welcoming and fun place it used to be. And maybe if I waited long enough, it would get better, but there’s no guarantee of that. And I would rather walk away from PFTM now while I can still remember the good times and before I bring anyone down with me.
I loved the majority of the three and some years I’ve spent in PFTM, and I’m sorry if I’m leaving anyone in a lurch by leaving. But I haven’t been able to give this place the time and attention it deserves for a long time, and I have to do what’s best for me, and right now, that’s focusing on grad school and my career and myself.
