Jus Sanguinis

there are moments in life when you just want to say something so random.

[justmarbella]

12:36am

I could have waited for a couple of minutes more, but what was approaching was a bus bound for Cubao. I knew I should take the one bound for Pasay, so that if I get off in Ayala, I would be closer to my destination by a taxi ride.

The Pasay-bound must be on its way. If I wait a little, it should be here. But could it be any sure? After all, public transport schedules have never been certain. Well, at least in this country.

Its 3 a.m. If I won’t get in a ride by this time, I’d be late for my 10 a.m. appointment in BGC. So I knew I better be going.

I hailed the approaching bus. I hopped on.

…

It takes five to six hours of bus ride from La Union to Metro Manila -- that is if you take the night trip. But if you travel at day time, and brave the horrors of traffic and countless stops of the bus, the travel time extends to a grueling eight - sometimes nine - hours.

But if you are, like myself, a commuter from the province 268 kilometers north of Manila, you actually have no choice but to take this long ride and be butthurt. Literally.

And then there’s the TPLEX.

Expressways, I think, are the biggest invention of Filipino man in the infrastructure department in the 21st century. The project began in 2010, and it was ambitious. It supposed to connect the provinces of Tarlac, Pangasinan and La Union with an expressway – thus its name. It promises to shorten travel time from Metro Manila to anywhere in the north, and vice versa.

And it’s true. Via the TPLEX, travelers from the north can now reach Manila in almost half of the usual travel time. If you are coming from La Union, for example, and you leave at 12 in the midnight, you could doze off and you’d be woken up by honks and buzzes of vehicles in the busy EDSA by 4am.

The project is yet to be completed. The construction up to its northernmost terminal in Rosario, La Union is still underway. The section is set to open by 2018, and it should cut the travel time down to another hour. But until the expressway has not reached La Union, it practically should be called TPEX. And it doesn’t sound good. Is that a dinosaur or something?

The TPLEX is said to facilitate easier movement from Ilocos and Cordillera regions to the Metro Manila. And this should mean bigger economic activities. The expressway becomes a channel that transports goods, services, and people in less time. It’s a conduit that promises better trade, travel and tourism.

Conversely, expressways are symbolic of how Manila is at the center of things. These infrastructures had to be built because Manila demanded for it. The vegetables and flowers from Benguet should be brought fresh to Manila. The poultry supplies from farms in Pangasinan should be delivered just in time in supermarkets in Manila. On weekends, people who would want to take a quick dip in waters off La Union must be back for work by Monday in no time in Manila.

Everything and everyone moves toward the cornucopia that is Manila.

Like myself.

But because I took the public transport which does not ply the TPLEX, I had to endure this long trip. There are no shortcuts in real life, after all. Is there?

The bus took a halt. It’s the stop in Sison, Pangasinan. My fellow passengers got off to take the loo. I remained on my seat, half-asleep. In 20 minutes, we shall be on the road again.

…

After my graduation from college in 2012, I immediately got employed in the provincial government. I knew then that settling in my home province for employment was something I could do just fine. Working for the province’s information and tourism office, it was an extremely fun job. I toured around the province, met with local officials, and welcomed celebrities who came to do TV shoots.

There’s so much potential in my home province, and I took delight in the idea that I was contributing in the effort of harnessing these opportunities coming in the way.

But in an impulsive twist of fate, I left my job. One Sunday afternoon, I woke up from a nap harboring an epiphany. What relevance am I making in this world? Is it enough that I’m enjoying? Couldn’t I enjoy while making an impact?

And so there I was, looking for a career with a deeper social value. After all, what am I being an iskolar ng bayan for?

My next job, and my present job, is being a communications officer for a government agency mandated to promote the welfare of overseas Filipino workers (OFWs). And because I have set my career life to be province-based, my job in the government agency’s regional office offered me the convenience of continue working close to home, but now with the deeper social value I longed for.

It was a different job from the previous one. The glitz and glamour of tourism work was replaced by the simplicity and prudence of social work. In my previous job, I interviewed high officials about their programs for their constituents, and all these big dreams taking form. In my current job, I am interviewing OFWs who have not been as successful in their ventures abroad, and all these big dreams falling off.

It is in these stories of people which I find the meaning to what I do. These life stories depict how one shapes one’s destiny: it is pre-determination or is it one’s determination?

In one interview, I visited a beneficiary of the agency’s livelihood program for distressed and displaced OFWs. She was 27, and with a five-month old son to survive, she had to leave her hometown in Ilocos Norte to find fortune as domestic worker in Dubai. She was not as lucky. Eight months into the job, her employers started treating her badly. They threw expletives at her over a petty mistake, and their words hurt like a sword. She was not getting enough food, rest time, and sleep. And to top it all off, she was not given the right salary stipulated in her contract. She escaped, and sought the refuge of the Philippine Embassy in UAE. She was repatriated back to her hometown.

“Ano na pong plano niyo?” I asked her. She smiled, as she rocked her baby, who is now a year old, to sleep. “Ito muna siguro.”

She motioned to the set of threads and yarns laid to the table next to us. She was given P10,000-worth of crocheting materials as her livelihood starter kit. Before she left for overseas work, crocheting has been her hobby, and now she is determined to turn this into an income-generating craft.

I took pictures of the crocheted dresses and baby shoes on display. I asked her to join in the photo and pretend to arrange the crafts -- a staged photo ops to which she obliged. She was a bit shy, but her smile was pure. I don’t know if it was the sunset, but a gleam of hope radiated from her eyes as I took the snap.

…

I have always been repulsive of the idea of staying in Manila for work. Most of my friends are now based in the metro, and their tales of city-living always seemed like a myth to me.

I have always been a province boy, I must say. I was raised in a rural setting in a time when happiness for kids were plain and simple. Technology hasn’t got in the way, and our playground was the world.

I wouldn’t trade the sight of rice fields and sunsets for anything. In July and August when the torrential rains begin to fill in the paddies, planting season commences. It is at this time of the year when the surrounding becomes green all over, and the feeling of evergreen just gives me an unexplainable thrill.

On some occasions, I would travel to Manila for official business or personal trips. I would be sent for a training or seminar by our office in Pasay, or I would attend a friend’s party at some lit places in uptown Taguig. I would stay for a day or two, and it would be enough for me to have a good glimpse of what living in Manila is like:

That commuting from one point to another is an everyday warfare; that these transport apps have offered so much convenience, if only you are willing to shell out bigger bucks; that every act here equals spending, be that having a meal, taking a cab, or even just parking your car; that independent living means reporting for work and doing your own laundry; that to live in Manila, you have to conquer the world to survive.  

It’s the total opposite of my life here in the province. I wake up to a breakfast which my mother has delightfully prepared for the family. I leave home at 7:45am, and still manage to time in at the office’s biometrics before 8 a.m. Daily commutes here, despite involving the cranky public transport, have always been just a breeze.

Last year, I ended a romance just because I didn’t want to relocate to Manila. He’s based Quezon City, and he was asking me to just drop everything and find work anywhere near him. He sent me links to jobs I could apply for, but never did I click on any of them. “I’m not ready,” I said. “When will you be?” he asked. No answer came out. He didn’t talk to me the next day, and all the days after.  

I wasn’t ready. When you are too comfortable in your zone, will you ever be ready to just leave?

…

It’s 9 a.m., and we have just reached Cubao terminal. It’s the last stop, so everyone disembarks. I let the other passengers go first; besides, what’s the point of running to the aisle?

I secured my things – a satchel bag and a knapsack. I got off and walked to the nearby MRT station. The Thursday morning rush hour surely had not subsided, so I braced myself for a passenger influx. I made a mental calculation: if I’d be able to catch the first train a little past 9, I’d be reaching Ayala before its 10.  Then I’d quickly take a cab to make it to my job interview in BGC.

I stood on the platform, and the Manila heat started to kick in. I waited for the train, which may or may not arrive in minutes. But I just stood there, leaving everything to chance.

[justmarbella]

Hi Self. Brace yourself. Your “exciting” days are up ahead. You see, today, as resource speaker, you spoke before people years your senior about topics which you yourself are not familiar with. Financial Literacy? Really? You don’t even have enough in your savings account. Airport Procedures? Yeah? The last time you boarded a plane was, what, two years ago, for a domestic flight availed on seat sale. And now you’re talking about immigration policies and connecting flights?  Funny. But your audience gave a generous round of applause, so probably you were believable. Today, too, you have accomplished reports here and there. about matters you are not sure of value. On one hand, you were compiling reports of the effects of Lawin and how it has blown somebody else’s roof; on the other, you were finalizing the minutes of the meeting (about Christmas Party, urgent matter, according to your boss) for somebody else’s liquidation. All these and more for what, a sparkling P0.00 Christmas Bonus come December. Ang saya. Well, on good note, bulk of work is on you, because you can do it. Sir Gerry is letting you do this because he believes you can lead the others to have a task done. Maam Mavic is telling you to draft this because she knows you can do it with least supervision. All others are letting you do this because, well, si Japi yan eh.  Kaya? Kaya! But self, eto ka nanaman, doing all the sacrifices for nothing. Kailangan mo din ng reward in the long run.  Self, you might want to reconsider your options in the future. And now you have to prioritize on finishing that fucking master’s thesis just because. Andami mo nang nasayang na oras, effort at pera. Self discipline, self. That’s what you need. Its unfortunate that  some people have easily gave up on you just because you are giving up on yourself.  Kala mo kasi sasaluhin ka nila no? haha NO! You see, you are giving up on your self kasi binibigay mo nanaman lahat sa iba.  Self-strength, self. Nakalimutan mo nanaman ba yun? And you’ll be needing more of these again in the coming days. So, yeah, brace youself. Its gonna be ‘challenging’ again.  Pero kaya mo yan. Oh sige, ta malabir ka nanaman. 

[justmarbella]

It’s 11 in the evening and I am fighting this urge to throw up.

I have been having these fits lately.  The thing is I am not sure of the causes, as always the case. 

Maybe this is because I haven’t been eating dinner the past nights. You see, I get troubled at how my belly has developed into a ghastly symbol  of severe beer-drinking and oversleeping. And the only way to save what is left of my fast-depleting self-esteem is to cut back on my eating. Full rice for breakfast, half rice for lunch, no rice for dinner or no dinner at all.

I have been faithful to this plan for two weeks now and it’s liberating. 

But then at night, I get this feeling of wanting to throw up. 

Maybe this is because at this time in the middle of the night somewhere in a secluded part of the city inside your car or your sister’s car or his car, you are making out with that dude you just met a week ago and now you are so into him like you all have the freedom which, in total reality, you don’t. I wonder what kind of fulfillment you get in these clandestine acts of aggressiveness of yours. And as always, I am amazed at how clever you could cover things up, so that your name, and that “precious” reputation, would remain untainted. I wonder how your dude feels about this. I wonder how YOU feel about this.

But, I wonder why I still feel about this.

Forget about that thought when you showed me how to eat daing with choco dip for breakfast. Forget about that thought when I would time in, and time out, and leave office to meet you for lunch. Forget about that thought when we’d get that cheap burger at Frank’s for dinner.

I have been faithful to this plan for two months now and its liberating.

But then at night, I get this feeling of wanting to throw up.

[justmarbella]

[justmarbella]

You remind me of afternoons like this.

Of the sudden downpours just as the dusk appears 

Of the setting sun as it casts glints against the mist

Of the smell of the earth that has longed for the rain’s kiss

Of this coffee which has gone bland of cold and remiss

Of this song that’s become too sharp    to pierce

It’s sad that all that is left of you now is this: a reminder of afternoons like this.

[justmarbella]

If you who are reading this now are feeling down and hopeless, believe in miracles. They happen.  Look at what God did to Mary Jane.

[justmarbella]

Where the Sky Hangs. 

[justmarbella]

[justmarbella]

Dear self,

Congratulations! You have just completed another trip around the sun!

I said that just to sound a little scientific, because that’s what you do: complicating what is simple; seeking depth in what is shallow; overthinking what is basic.

The past days have been very challenging to you. You have been unbelievably, terribly low that your crying already made you, ugh, disgusted. You hate drama, and you just can’t believe how you are subjecting yourself to just that.

What made it even worse is that you are not really sure what you are sad about. There’s this voice in you telling you what your problem is. And then another is telling that it’s not. You realize how apt you are for a Safeguard commercial.

You take comfort at the idea that this is just birthday blues. Breathe in, breathe out, this is just birthday blues. But hell yeah, what a great deal of birthday blues!

You label these episodes of melancholy the “existential crisis”, and you have to thank Google for that. But “Existential crisis” is too broad for you, so you zero in on what you came to know as ‘quarter life crisis.’ “The quarterlife crisis is a period of life usually ranging from the late teens to the early thirties, in which a person begins to feel doubtful about their own lives, brought on by the stress of becoming an adult.” You see, your contemporaries are having it so profoundly that Wikipedia has a nice explanation for it.

You love these existential struggles, don’t you? You take delight to acknowledge that something is really going on. Something incredibly human and real. It’s actually pretty cool that you are able to go through such ordeal with complete understanding that in each episode, it will pass.

Now as you write this, I ask you to let it all out. Cry once more if you must, no matter how stupid you look when you do.

Done? Great! Now here are things I wish to tell you as you start another “journey around the sun.”

Let go. How many countless times have I told you that? There’s no point of holding on to things that don’t do you any good. Let go of the thoughts that don’t make you strong, so says the song you keep on repeat. Let go of all your worries, your petty insecurities, your insane frustrations. There’s this ghastly hole of bitterness in your heart, and the only way to heal this is to let go. 

Accept things as they are, because when you do, you gain the strength to turn them into something beautiful.   Acceptance is freedom. Liberate yourself by appreciating the things you have at the moment with full contentment and gratitude.  

Stop being that stupid, whiny self that you have become. Because, really? When you whined about your height, did you grow taller? No. So please stop whining completely about everything.

Do not be too proud to admit pain. Pain demands to be felt. You don’t necessarily have to go around telling people about that pain, but at least acknowledge it to yourself, and remember that you have full control over it. You won’t get over the feeling easily, though, but time has its way of healing.

Forgive others, but most importantly, forgive yourself.  Forgive them for doing you harm, and forgive yourself for allowing that to happen.

Fix the way you deal with the people dear to you. I know this one’s hard especially when you are going through that phenomenon you say makes you “human.” Surely, they have an idea what could be going on, so they let you be. But there’s no way they could help you out if you don’t ask for it. So lower your defenses, let them in, open up a little. You’d be amazed at the great things they could do to help you.

My dear self, I miss the old you—the lively, cheerful, energetic you. What happened?  You have reasons, okay, but this is one thing I seriously ask of you: do not ever lose that amazingly great sense of humor. That’s a rare gift and not every gets that. Did you get that?

Discover places and culture! You remember that promise you told yourself when you finished college? That you’ll work your ass off and earn and see the world! While you realize that as a presently expendable government employee you are not yet fully capable of that, at least you could set aside for that travel fund. So go ahead, continue chasing waterfalls, sunsets and wisdom.

Discover more songs!!! You know too well how songs can be the best companion when you feel alone. And also, do not stop trying to make your own versions of music! There are still lots of chords to try! Continue learning the best strumming and picking patterns, no matter how you still feel sucky on that. Continue singing your heart out! Prepare for that moment when you share stage with Jason Mraz or John Mayer or Armi Millare, and if they won’t allow you with the guitar or the microphone, take a selfie with them instead.

Believe in moments. Do not stop wishing on 11:11s, wishbones, and falling stars. That perfect moment you’ve been waiting for is just somewhere around. You just have to wait for it to reveal itself. Be ready for that wonderful surprise.

Rekindle your relationship with the Higher Being. Somewhere along the way you just lost track. But it’s not too late for everything. Gather yourself back up, and rekindle that fire you have built for the Creator. Take comfort at His graciousness. Aginanaka ti salinongna. You’d feel all alone all the time, but always remember that line from your favorite church song: Isuna ti kaimbagan a gayyem a masarakan.

Self, you are a great person and you are heading to a great future. I have no words for the excitement I have to see you seeing your dreams happening right before you.

You are special. I love you and I will always believe in you.

Happy 22nd birthday!

Awesome like that,

Self

[maldarchive]

Petulia

   you, body as heavy as  performance art:

don’t stop in your tracks for this.

there’s a stage   of petals and tulips, a reincarnation of Venus of Willendorf in your name.    (did you know?)

you cannot stay— the veins of winter leaves are waiting to fall,   expecting you to catch them   when they do—

 and i,  i’ll always have too  much in my mouth  to say,  even without you.

[justmarbella]

not mine, you stupid little dickhead. http://weheartit.com/entry/93959451.

[justmarbella]

Words of wisdom from Dr. Perez. I'm loving my HRD class! #dmmmsu #graduateschool #humanresources

[justmarbella]

With an #NYR ambasadress as hot as #jasminecurtis, hell yeah i'd run miles for rice. #Run4Rice #Riceponsable

[justmarbella]

#catchingfire #hungergames #feeeeels

[justmarbella]

[justmarbella]

Sometimes,  food can be so heavenly it saves your day.

[justmarbella]

And then there were three doves.