10:14 - How could you how could I how could I what how could it at all. The moment lapsed time yanked its skirt back up to reveal its long-long limbs. I have no choice but to bend over for it. I didn't know it would happen again like this why did I not know.
10:15 - Endless refrain of my life: It is only in my aloneness that I am alive. I shrink when overtaken by others, I shiver when pressed, I am only at ease when I am with myself, and then, from there, from that origin, set off.
10:16 - Gertrude Stein says to act as if there is no center. I agree, there is no center, the arcs flow from anywhere I load my weapon, it could be my shoulder, my waist, my elbow, it could be my solitude, my dark delicious solitude, it melts on the tongue, it's bewildering and beautiful.
10:17 - I just knew it I just knew you would change too if I changed. In some ways you are as you have always been as you have been for more than a decade my ideal companion. You change so rapidly so abruptly only I can keep up, I who also changes so rapidly so abruptly with no warning whatsoever.
10:18 - I am scavenging for your new name are you scavenging for mine. Do you want to know what my hands are like now they are stronger than ever. I want to know what your hands are like now I want to know what you smell like is it the same enchanting perfume or is it something new. Would I find it repulsive now.
10:19 - Our youth is over but our you keeps going. So many years separated no contact on this plane and yet when you pull at the thread that ties us I feel it, I pull back, I tug harder, you respond to my message, you are so far away, can you feel me, I know you can, I know you can.
10:20 - I know you can because I can too, I can feel you all the time. I barely remember your face, your small (?) eyes, your crooked (?) teeth, your large (?) nose. Is your hair long or short. Do you have a soft belly now or is it blank, flat, grumbling.
10:21 - Because you knew how to hate me I know you knew how to love me unconditionally, whatever of me I gave you you had a powerful reaction to. Parsing through old text I realise how much I pushed back at you, how honest I was, how I said: I imagined my future and it stunned me to think that I would spend my life with someone so insensitive.
10:22 - I said: I want to be alone, I cannot do this. I just don't want to. I don't know how you responded because all that remains of the archive is my side, your text is gone, you are gone from it, there are blanks where I can imagine what you must have said.
10:23 - How I would have loved you if you were a woman, well, did you become one, are you one, were you always, did I challenge that in you, did I push something too hard, did I hurt you. It doesn't matter, we are both where we always were, in opposition, which is unbelievably intimate.
10:24 - In opposition to you I find your absence which is confronted by my own absence. I am losing myself to something, someone, all the time. Where are you where am I where are you --
kianamaiart
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