Father’s Day has always been a very difficult time for me. It is a day that reminds me that I should have had a father in my life.
Some people don’t know their fathers and would give anything to learn who there dad is or who there dad was. Some people would give anything to talk to their father one last time. Some people cherish their fathers and have amazing relationships that are still growing strong. Some people don’t know their fathers and never will.
Year after year praying for this man who was given the title of being “my father” to just go away. To stay out of my life and never come back.
There were times that I would give anything to drain all signs of his lineage from my DNA, just so I knew there was nothing inside of me that belonged to him. I wanted nothing to do with him and to be completely honest I still don’t.
Despite it being part of his DNA that runs through my body it is still who I AM, not who he is or who he was. I made something of myself, I rose to the occasion and grew where I was planted. You know what, I didn’t just grow I thrived. I broke through that glass ceiling and continued to fly. Was it easy? Hell no, but I did it. I did it all on my own without him.
Yes I am grateful to those who stepped up and took his place so I didn’t have as much of a void but it still isn’t “a father”. I was blessed enough to have a mother who stood her ground showing me how to be a strong independent woman. I was blessed with a brother who took care of me, protected me and treated me more like a daughter than a sister. I have a grandfather who showed me the “fatherly things” like how to fill my tire when it gets low and how to check my oil. I’m grateful because some people don’t even have that. God didn’t leave me without anyone. He gave me who I NEEDED.
Exactly, he gave me who I NEEDED. I may not understand how or why but that even includes “my father”. God gave me the father he felt I needed.
Do I agree that it was the best choice. No.
But do I believe God always has a plan? You better believe it.
There is a reason for everything even when I can’t understand it. There was a reason I came from my mother AND my father. There was a reason he was in my life for as long as he was. There is a reason he is still present despite me not wanting it. There is a reason that I went through the experiences that I did. I took a hard situation and made the best of it. I grew up quick. I learned respect and manners. I learned everything I didn’t want to be when I grew up. I saw what alcohol does to a person and chose not to follow that path. I saw what cigarette addiction can do to a person and chose never to smoke. I saw what untreated mental health looked like so I enrolled in counseling and psychiatry. I learned what it looks like to loose your family and I pulled my loved ones in closer. I learned what it looked like to not complete high school so I went on past high school past a few years in college and obtained my Masters degree. I refused to be uneducated. I refused to accept things as they were. I refused to become “a statistic”. I refused to accept that I would become him. I prayed, I studied, I worked hard and I continue to do so every day so that I never, ever turn out the way he did.
Fathers Day is the day that reminds me of all the pain and all the suffering of my childhood. It is a day that year after year I realize I’ll never have the father I wish I would have had. I will never have that father-daughter bond, the memories or the moments. I will never have a father daughter dance or that “daddy’s girl connection”. I will never have the father I built in my head, the ideal of what I thought a father was, the father I thought I deserved.
After all this time I finally accept that the father I was given was not ideal but he was mine. I accept that even though I didn’t want him, he was who I needed for some reason. I accept that all I went through became my story. Despite all the hell he put me through and still continues to put me through it made me who I am.
Because of him I learned that I don’t need a man in my life to take care of me. My mom did just fine on her own and so can I! Because of him I learned pain, great pain at a very young age, but due to that pain I became stronger. I learned that the people closest to you can be the ones who destroy you so I learned to pick my friends wisely. I learned to be independent and do things on my own. I learned the only person you can ever truly depend on forever is yourself. I learned that I am capable of taking on the world because I fought battles I should have never needed to fight. I learned that I am not a statistic. I learned that I am powerful and fierce and a strong force that will not be stopped.
Things that should have shattered me, built me.
Things that should have melted me down to a puddle have shaped me.
Things that no one should ever have to go through, I’ve been through and I’m prepared to go through it again if I have to because I know there is an end to all suffering.
Things that should have made me give up, made me come back fighting even harder to continue on.
I may not understand, but God gave me who I needed.
Am I happy with my father? No, but I accept who he is. I accept that no matter what I do in life I cannot change who or where I came from. But I can control who I become, and the person who I choose to become is ME.
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