That I never told you.

Former middle school ELA teacher turned corporate Executive Assistant turned Purchasing Admin. Dog mom. Coffee lover. Avid reader. Musician. Etc etc

[justwalkthroughme]

My 37 week old baby (12 days adjusted lmaoooo) who’s a month old today - only weighs 7 lbs still. Pediatrician says he’s growing with the curve since he was born so small but wants us to up his calories.

I feel sad because I want him to be perfect. And even tho this isn’t anything we’re doing wrong bc he eats well, I perceive being told to do more as “I’m not doing enough” and I fully recognize that this is a me problem.

Anyways she gave us a chart to up his formula calories. And I was JUST considering stopping pumping because I’m not making a lot of milk on dialysis and a fluid/electrolyte restriction - it takes me like a full two days to make a full bottle. But she said any little bit I’m making will help and to keep doing it so ugh on that..

Think I need to try a wearable pump. But I don’t want to keep buying stuff when I won’t be able to use it for any other babies. I’m so conflicted.

[justwalkthroughme]

I had a bad reaction to dialysis yesterday and I had a migraine on 10 and I puked non stop for hours and hours until I finally went to sleep.

Got up at 4:30 with the baby - took care of him and hung out til 10 AM - went back to sleep. Slept until noon and then as soon as I woke up before I even sat up I puked again. And what sucks is every time I puke I pee myself because I like am retching so violently and there’s not much left in my stomach. So I’ve gone through like 4 pairs of underwear and 3 different pants and I’m over it.

Husband is super freaked because I’m immunosuppressed because of chemo and can get meningitis and die before my next round of vaccines but my back is sore from puking, no neck stiffness, no fever, and my blood pressure is normal for the moment.

I’m bummed because I had such a good Sunday and Monday. The PA took off 15 mins of my dialysis time and reduced the blood flow to try to help the headaches and it helped so much until yesterday.

Now I have to rally and go to the pediatrician and 2.

Good days and bad days but it’s so upsetting man.

[justwalkthroughme]

Any mamas here use chat books or another site to make those little booklets of phone pictures?

Mixtiles, Shutterfly, etc?

[madeupmonkeyshit]

[tinyyellowflowers-blog]

After school care pulled me aside about my child dropping an f-bomb “without remorse” and I put on my concerned face and nodded a bunch.

Apparently he was building something with a younger kid “who really looks up to him and is just starting to make friends” and said “Hey, you’re really fucking good at this.” which is, in my estimation, really a parenting victory.

[tinyyellowflowers-blog]

I absolutely failed at doing this:

[orpheuslament]

if i had a dick i would love to have a disappointing orgasm in the shower while thinking of something or someone that i felt i should not be thinking about & then stand under the water with my forehead against a wall watching the proof of my guilt & shame go down the drain

[krippe90]

The insight I get into the female mind thanks to this website is amazing.

[orpheuslament]

not a female 👍

[orpheuslament]

pause everybody take notes. real trans ally

[sailermoon]

this is how new yorkers @ mamdani

[sailermoon]

[thoughtkick]

“Talk with people who make you see the world differently.”

— Unknown

[demiiwhiffin]

she’s here

[04k96]

[justwalkthroughme]

Had my 4 week OB check up and everything is good.

I even got cleared to go off of one of the blood pressure meds!

She said I am likely to be very weak for another couple months based on what I went through but that I’m good to keep walking/trying to carry the baby seat etc to slowly build my strength up.

I go back in 8 weeks because she wants to continue to monitor me. Also my husband will most likely be getting a vasectomy because I can never have children again.

And my vision is still messed up but expected to get better in the coming months.

Also she said I will most likely be a case study 😂😮‍💨 due to how stupidly rare and crazy my whole ordeal was. Now she second guessed every time she gives magnesium and watches super closely 🙈

[elegantpersoncreation-2]

"Moonlight Serenade" British artist Andrew Grant Curtis

[justwalkthroughme]

I am happy to report that I have peed more today than ever since giving birth which means my kidneys are doing somethng

My LDH and creatinine are still high so I am still in stage 4 kidney failure and needing dialysis but it’s only been 3 weeks so

I am at a target dry weight already so at dialysis they really only take off .1-.5L because I eat so well now so it’s basically just removing toxins and then giving me the fluid back

The PA rounded today and she had them take off 15 mins from my dialysis time (3.5 hours) and slow down the blood flow and it helped me not vomit and crash the rest of the entire day so god bless I really hope it helps again next time

I am sore just from walking from the hospital parking lot to the cancer center (not even up stairs but slightly uphill) so literally WALKING makes my glutes sore but I am still trying to do it

Eating without salt is kinda boring but it’s not the worst. That is all

[justwalkthroughme]

Hey just wanted to send you a hug 🫂 you deserve one

Thank you 😭

[justwalkthroughme]

My baby is 3 weeks old today and I am back to my pre baby weight. Which means I rapidly lost over 30 lbs.

This is not a flex or an accomplishment- weeks of being bedridden in the ICU and constant dialysis every other day has completely drained my body to the point where I struggled to carry the car seat down the front steps to the stroller today.

But I did it, and we we went on a walk with the baby. My legs hurt and I struggled and we went slowly but at least we did it.

I had terrible sciatica pain during pregnancy and was so excited to be able to walk again and then I lost all my muscle and struggle to walk for a different reason now.

[justwalkthroughme]

My tiny 6 lb baby is no longer jaundiced. He has graduated from sweet potato to normal potato.

I saw a reel or tik tok or I don’t even know what like however long ago that said to get your baby a little robe thing for the pediatrician so they’re not so cold when they have to be naked and for quick removal and it was so clutch and cute

Granted this is 0-9 months and he’s in like, newborn clothing, but still. (It was a gift from my sister - a hand me down from her boys and I just absolutely love that) This was a very good idea so 10/10 recommend

[justwalkthroughme]

I clotted the dialysis machine again and they had to pull out bloody strings of goo from my port. So now I need heparin when I go.

And then I had a nice night of sobbing for hours. Resenting my baby for ruining my life, hating myself for wanting a baby, feeling lost about how on earth I’m supposed to work, killing my husbands dream because what do I do with an infant for 4 hours every other day while I’m at dialysis and he’s out of the country. What happens if I don’t live the next 5 years, I’ve basically saddled him with a kid and left him with no wife.

I have no fucking clue what is happening with my life and I’m just grieving everything