Y.E.D.R.

[justyoureverydayread]

Texting

I feel like I text too much :/ i wonder if I'm a bother sometimes....

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Restrictions

I wish I could say what I really want sometimes but I know I shouldn't and it's okay i guess. I usually go with the flow and that's just how i am. Even now I'm tied down to this boundary which keeps me restricted to doing what I usually do but I have to. Because if I cross that boundary, there's no return. Just kidding there is.

I also keep to myself whenever I'm feeling depress and just on the down side, I always keep it to myself. I know i should let it out but why make others worry about you, you know?

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Should I or should I not?

My lower back hurts like crazy!!!! To go to a doctor or should I not... I hate the doctors to be honest... they always tend to find something extra wrong with me. I HATE THE DOCTORS...

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Quick thought

Have you ever wonder if you could just sleep forever and not worry about anything, but then wake up to a reality that is unreal?

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Late night

Just thinking out loud, but I'm starting to hate my life. One after another, unfortunate events happening one at a time. Feeling a bit depress and lonely but what can I do...

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Girlfriend #2

This girl was someone I liked when I was dating my first girlfriend. She was a sophomore and so was I. Let's call her "AM" as well (same initial... I kno..) She was about 5'5. She was very petite. She was also Philippino. She was a tomboy.

"AM" was a girl who I actually loved. She was my first romance but also my first heartbreak. She was someone who I eventually hated but forgave.

I had her in a few of my classes and we started to talk and she also hanged out with my group of friends. So we have knew each other. She was pretty popular among guys. She was kind of a flirt. School was never boring with her and it was something to look forward to each and every day. It took me awhile for me to admit that liked it because we all have those friends that tease u and say random things such "he likes you! Go out with him." And you are just like, ummmmm no I dont... and u then u tend to start hanging out with only her every single day. Every break and lunch and after school I would be with her. Then one day, I believe after school I asked her, "Would you be my girlfriend?" She then said, "Yes!"

So I got myself another girlfriend. Let me also say, she was a dancer and so was I. We took hip hop classes together and auditioned for a team. We both made it but I couldn't meet the financial payments every month so I decided not to be on the team. That particular event lead to so many heartbreaks.

Fast forward to a year to a year and half? This was the first incident that made me mad and hurt... I thought everything was great with us to be honest. I knew she was hanging out with her team a lot but I didn't know she was mainly hanging out with a guy on that team alot. So i decide to visit her after her class and I happen to see something or someone on the stairs and it was my girlfriend. But I also say another figure.... it was a dude and I saw them kissing. And they saw me and she stopped me from starting a fight at the studio. I literally walked out of there and went to my friends and asked him if I could punch something. He told me to punch his wooden book shelf and I broke it and my hand as well. Swollen and bloody. O wouldn't have known that she was hanging out with him if it was for my friend who was also in that dance team.

So of course we talked and she said it won't happen again and what did u know. It happened again of course. This time was on valentines day. I just remember a tweet and I believe I saw something on tumblr about her making chocolate and cookies and what not for him when I didnt recieved anything and I also made her something as well. There was so many things that I did for her but nothing I can do about it now but ponder about what happened. So back to the story... i confronted her again and she admitted to cheating on me again.... this went on I believe 2 more times... and yeah I forgave her. I know I'm stupid but i also thought she would change with even chance I gave her.

I should of known after the 3rd and 4th time but the heart wants what it wants. So eventually we broke up and she went straight to him and guess what? They fucked. Yup.. they did. I found this out because of my friend. The guy actually posted his first time on tumblr with her very vividly and it was just a couple adays ago that we broke up. My friend screen shot it and showed it to me and a few moments later he deletes it off tumblr.

She of course I pissed. I was really mad yet heartbroken. Everytime she cheated on me It hurt and i cried. I never cries til I met her. It's painful. Its sucks. You are just like a ball in ur bed covered in blankets and pillows and u just dont care about anything anymore. (But let me tell you, it will always hurt)

So that happened and my first girlfriend randomly messaged me and we sort of hanged out and out of spite, I lost it to her. It's funny how the world works. Wish I could of went back and not have done it but what's done is done. I dont regret it but I wish I did it with someone I loved. Or save it for someone special.

I was already fucked up after she cheated on me the 1st time. So imagine that 4 times. Sucks huh? We were basically on and off for 2 years and a few months. Sophomore til somewhat after senior year. I asked myself if I did anything wrong to deserve this. I questioned everything but I learned that there was more to life and I was pretty young still. I believe after that break up, i was in a slump for maybe 6 months and in that 6 months I drank and partied as much as i could.

Well my next girlfriend was pretty amazing to be honest. I'll talk more about her in my next post.

[justyoureverydayread]

Quick Thought

Have you ever wonder what it would be like if you could go back in time or in the future? Maybe a few days back or a year or even a few decades?

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Relationship #1

Everyone has that one relationship where they start liking another person or find someone more than just a friend, such as a crush. You get maybe a buttery feeling everytime u see that person. Maybe you start blushing at some point and then probably you start telling yourself, "Oh. I like this person." Normally that how everyone starts out.

So my first relationship was someone from my high school. (I'll probably only give out the initials) AM was about 4''12 and very petite. She was a senior when I was a sophomore in high school. (Yes, she was 2 years older) So we actually had a class together and we started talking and just hanging out here and there. Then a few times hanging out ended up as hanging out with her every day. And I actually don't remember who asked who out but i do remember we would sit in the library and write letters to each other telling one another how our day went and I do remember maybe telling her I liked her? She been in a lot of relationships and this would be my first one. So ofcourse I would get paranoid and what not.

So eventually we got together and basically there would be guys hitting on her and people flying back and forth to visit her and she even told me someone kissed her. So there were plenty of things that should of happened early, like breaking up. But I guess I was already invested in the relationship and wanted to see where it would of went, so I didn't. Then towards one month from graduation she told me she was going to go back to the Philippines to find work and etc. I thought to myself, "I don't think I would want a long distance as my first relationship. I wouldn't know what to do and I would be anxious all the time..." So by that time I also started liking another person (I'll talk about her in my next post).

Eventually I had a few things I had to think about and I eventually felt like a jerk.... I told her that I needed to focus on studying and school (Pretty lame excuse, I kno. But what can u expect from a 15 - 16 years old. I was pretty immature) Ofcourse, it didnt go well. I don't remember but I might got slapped by her but it been a long time now so my memory is kinda fuzzy.

So with AM she didnt take it well. I tried to be friends with her still and I tried a few times. I would say "hi" when we cross path but she would ignore me. I tried about three times, so I eventually gave up. Then a few months after she got with my friend. I don't know if it was out of spite but it was random. I didn't even know till I saw my friend and her and he introduce me to her and she pretended to not know me so I ofcourse played along.

So my first relationship was me experimenting what a relationship was. It was a trial and error. Even now I believe dating is trial and error. You keep dating until you find that one special someone that can bond with you and be dorky and just everything. So my first girlfriend, she wasn't the one.

The funny thing ..... mmmm I'll save this for the next post. Pretty interesting actually ahaha.

[justyoureverydayread]

Bad dream

It's currently 10:09 PM. I feel asleep a few hours ago when I got back from work. Mmmmm, around 6:30ish. Took some medicine since my head was hurting and fell asleep. Just a bit under the weather still. So I woke up due to a bad dream.... so I'm bestfriend with this girl and in this dream I was sleeping as well and I woke up to maybe 10 - 15 text messages from her. It was so clear. A could only remember a few lines and they were something like, "You would slowly fade away and be a friend. I only have a few more years left of school. It will be okay...." the rest were of the texts I could remember were saying nice things and then it went to why aren't u responding and then it went to that few last sentence saying something on the lines of I don't need you anymore.... then I woke up.

Woke up feeling sad and hurt even though I know it was a dream....

[justyoureverydayread]

Night Thoughts

Sometimes being alone helps but also asking for help as well.

[justyoureverydayread]

Relationships

Relationships are hard. I recently talked to a couple of my friends and they are going through some drama and trouble with relationships. I'm also in a dilemma.

People date to get into a relationship and to find the one. The one that will live with u for the rest of your life. That's a long time and I know there are people out there who are just dating to mess around but I'm not one of them. I actually do date because I like the person and I do think about the future or what if we stay together in the end. I dont date to mess around, I'm dating and getting into a relationship to find the one. As cheesy as it is, true.

One of my friend was with his girlfriend for about 1 year 1/2 - 2 years. Currently his ex. He broke up with her but he regrets it. He tried to get back with her a few times but she said no. We were talking and everything and he knows shes the one for her. He's going to try one more time, this Tuesday. I hope everything goes well. He's trying hard to change for her and he is actually willing to change for her. He has one more shot. At least he has another shot to give it his all. I on the other hand don't have another chance.

Knowing u cant do anything to change the results is somewhat upsetting... mmm I would say it hurts knowing I cant do anything. But knowing i cant do anything is enough means to continue to move forward right? I think I can. Continuing being there for her just as a friend. That's the right thing to do right? It's for the best right? As long as she is happy. I been here before, it will just take time to recover. I'll be a big again. I can do that.

I do miss alot of things already. It feels different but what can I do. If I give in, it will just prolong everything. I do like her. But to like her and end up hurting myself .... I cant. To be honest, I'm tired of looking... I just want to find someone and settle down. The process of finding someone and finding the right one is a hassle but it has to be that way. So I guess the search continues. I do believe there is someone for everyone and no matter how much time will pass you will find someone. It just might be longer than others.

I think the last thing I would say that this girl is amazing and u made wonderful memories and I will always keep that. I just hope she will find Mr.Right. I'm so corney but that's me. I'll try to make light of everything and shelter my thoughts. I'm normally a happy person well I try to be. But yeah, I'll focus on being friends. It will help you and as long as it helps you then okay. Thank you.

[justyoureverydayread]

If I only knew..

You are always a joy to be with and be around. Your laugh and smile are contagious. You have people who will be there to help u and support you. I of course will always be one of them but if I'm not there you already know you have ur "hoes". Even our short couple of dates were fun an amazing. Of course I cant forgot those or all the picture we took but they will just be something of the past. A book that was partially written but unfinished. Instead, a new chapter with new beginnings right? Something that's so close yet you cant have. Maybe like a rose. It's pretty up close but you'll get hurt while holding it. I ended up hurt in the process ahahah but I dont regret it tbh. I think I'll grow from it just needs a bit of time. Time is of the essence. That one soft spot will always be yours. Maybe. I'll probably just say this here but always eat on time and keep being healthy. Study hard and focus when u should. Dont procrastinate so much cause I know you do. Just take tiny breaks. If only if I knew I would be the one to be attached to you. If only..

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Again..

I haven't rolled in awhile and now that I'm rolling, I have alot of mix emotions.. well maybe because we are listening to songs and telling stories ahhaah... the feels... so I like her and I guess it's not possible anymore. I thought of dating her to possible be my girl. But I always have to remember what she wants as well. And plus when I heard "I cant see a future with you" that got me. It's okay. As time goes on, things heals.. just like the heart. I do like her, but it's not possible and as I linger it gets worse when she says "idk" or along the line of it cant and not possible. I know what she means about religion and what she wants. So this time I'll try to not go back. I'll just be there as a best friend. We connect pretty well tbh. To lose a friend like that.. I cant. Yes it hurts ofcourse. Everytime u ask I always stay silent or tell u that it's okay or I'm fine but it does hurt and I do hurt but it's okay. I understand.

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How much should I care?

Do I care too much? Am i caring too much for her? Mmmmmm.... if I stop caring too much then I wouldn't be me and if I'm not me, then who am I :o ... just kidding i am me lol but yeah, i care a lot about her and I know I shouldn't care toooooo much but it's just how I am tbh. I like her alot so ofcourse i am going to care about her like that. Until she tell me to stop or stop liking me then I will stop but until then, I'm going to keep caring and liking her :p

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Her

She is very fickle? Well that is probably not the term use to describe her. I’m using the would fickle as to her mood or emotion. When she’s happy, she’s happy but if something were to occur that would make her upset or annoyed then she would be upset. Something i wouldn’t want her to be. Sometimes i miss read or misunderstand and i’m sorry. I know it doesn’t work and she would be mad. What can i do? I just wait til shes not mad or upset with me anymore... Well this girl how would i describe her.. she’s adorable at times. Well how did i fell for her.. i don’t know. it just happen. You know when you hang out with a person a lot and they rub off on you? Well that happen but it was an interesting turn of events. One thing just lead to another and wala... But it wasn’t something good in a way. It was because of that that this happen. But we aren’t together... Well its due to her beliefs and i do respect that. She’s very strong willed but sometimes she isn’t as well. She sometimes shes her vulnerability. Its worrisome in a way. I don’t like seeing her like that and i try my best to comfort her no matter what. I try. I’m not perfect, but i do care a  lot for people in general. And if its for someone i especially like, i put extra care care towards them. I am not perfect. I have my flaws and i have my troubles Sometime you wont see it on my face or i wont show it even if someone would to ask i would say, “I’m fine.” with a smiley face. But sometimes i do have my days where i just want to stay in bed all day and just lay there til  forever You know when you never know if you like someone til its either too late or when conflicts occur?  If you are wondering what conflicts i am talking about, its the one where you feel and your mind just continue to run wild. The thoughts about her Her smile, the she walk, they way she talks, her hugs, and if yo are lucky sometimes she would wink or blush when you wink at her. Well so this girl that i currently like, well.. there are issues.. its complicated and i could actually put that term to use. “It’s complicated” You know that relationship status? That’s me right now. Yeah.. Tough situation tbh. There is nothing i can do about . You know where everything lies with her or like when you are driving and u end up in or at a dead end. I am currently stuck there with no gas or direction to get out lol Its a bad analogy but oh well. I don’t even know if i could call this a relationship because its “complicated” I like her, she likes me, but it can’t happen. I know... I want to detach myself at times because of the things she says sometimes but it’s hard. It’s hard to leave a person even for a few days when you are so attach to them... We tried... I don’t know.. I have my insecurities at times. I wonder sometimes if she’s out and what is she’s doing, more like i get jealous and i care, but again... We aren’t together so what rights do i have to get jealous or upsets? Its just that my heart feels that way and its sometimes becomes heavy.. I a an emotional person but not on the surface... it’s more like i bottle everything up.  Sorry with the side track story.. So back to the girl i like. Shes kinda short. I think 5ft something ahah i don’t want to get it wrong. She has long hair, kinda wavy. It use to be like a brownish color, light brown. Now its black, which looks good either way. She’s cute. She is very flirtatious and its cute. I would say she could get at anymore or majority of the people she meet or wants. She has a strong desire to get things she wants. If she doesnt get it then she would throw a lil tantrum. Its a lil one but sometimes its more than that. This girl that i met is asian or if you would say, pacific islander. She’s very family orientated and religious. She has her priority straight. She’s very bubbly and adorable. She has a cute charm. Maybe that’s why i fell for her, i do not know. Ahahah just talking, well typing it is making me smile. I know she’s upset with me right now and i hope when she reads this she would be less upset, even if it is a little bit. I’ll be thankful. Well this girl likes make up, well not anymore actually. And she looks good without it or with her. She takes care of herself well. She loves social media ahah shes always on it. Kpop, tv shows, and flowers ahah. Well there are more things but it’s just a few things. Whenever she sleeps, i always stay awake for a bit to see her sleeping face, because its cute. Even though she doesn’t notice it at times but yeah... i do like her....  I really do. I’ll probably talk more about her soon.  -To be continued-

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Relationships

What could you say or what could you do to make an individual stay? Words? Actions? Both? People get into relationships to find that special individual. A special individual that makes you smile and giggle out of no where. That special individual that makes your heart flutter when you don’t even notice it. Vice versa, that special individual that makes your heart hurt and make you feel empty on the inside.  What could one do to get over it? There isn’t much you could actually do. Well for me, i write, dance, design, and basically keep myself busy. So when i’m free, it sucks. Or when it past a certain time and i am awake..... I just think. Thinking is pretty fun but when you are feeling a bit down, you just think and think and it drives you crazy. It makes you run in circles. “Say it before you run out of time. Say it before it’s too late. Say what you’re feeling. Waiting is a mistake.” Waiting.. what am i waiting for? I already know the answer and i already heard the answer. So what am i waiting for? For her to change her mind? Or am i the one who is waiting.. Waiting for time to drift quickly by... Waiting for something to happen? Maybe a miracle or maybe something else?  -To be continued-

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Glimpse

Growing up was tough.. My family had a few internal affairs that led up to us moving here and there. I moved about maybe three times in my life. Same city, but different schools. Making friends was not a strong suit of mine. It was hard for me to make friends. I was pretty short and nerdy. Not to mention that I had a heavy accent back then as well. I would get picked on and pretty much a loner *shrugs*  I remember this one incident back in elementary school where i would always tag along these two kids. I considered them my friends. It was probably half way in finishing my 4th grade that they were just using me *thinking back*... (Do not forget that i was a pretty much nerd back then) I remember the exact words they said to me, “We are not friends, go follow someone else.” Pretty mean words for a fourth grader to hear.  Following the next few years, I was pretty much in my own bubble. I was left alone. I didn’t care. I was a loner basically. I don’t really remember much about my childhood. I really didn’t have any or any friends. I would have classmates, but not friends that i could talk to on a daily basis. Like i said, a loner.  Something that changed was when I hit middle school. I started to like someone. I had multiple classes with her and every snack or lunch break I would talk to her. We got along pretty well. I started to talk to her frequently and we chatted online as well. Can you guess what software we used to chat with? Aim... yes, I’m pretty old. But it was pretty fun. I talked to a lot of girls back then, but i never thought about it in terms of dating or a relationship. I didn’t even know how to. Plus I couldn’t actually go out if I wanted to..... strict parents. Also no phone..  I opened myself a bit more and more but I was still an introvert. I kept to myself and pretty nerdy still. Yes, i know I use the word “pretty” a lot. Sorry. I was this timid little boy. I always thought to myself, “What if I dated her? Or changed school? Would my life be different?” Probably, yes. Would i like it? I don’t know. So going back to the story with the girl, no... I didn’t or never got the chance to ask her out. We went to different high school and lost contact of one another.  Then high school started. New start? Not really.. I was pretty much still a loner for maybe the first year of high school. Even til this day, people would look at their year book from elementary or middle school and say, “You went to my school?! And i would say, “Yea.” I was pretty forgettable since i was mostly by myself most of the time.  Fast forward one year. Now I am a Sophomore in high school and I started to dance. Yes.. dance.. i know. Dance changed my whole life around, it really did. I had more confidence in myself and people would eventually not forget me. People would eventually know who i am since i danced. I don’t know what i would have done without dance. I became more outgoing and much more positive. I am pretty happy with how much i changed over these past years. (Btw I am trying to keep this short so i can talk in depth later in the following posts) There was still a lot of things going on. Family drama, relationship drama, and life in general.....  A short glimpse of my childhood. I’ll talk more about each topic in details. Family. Relationship. Dance. Life. And many more.