pairing :: shinigami! jay x terminally ill! femreader
synopsis :: you had so much ahead of you, opening your own bakery, graduating uni, adopting 10 cats, heck maybe even getting married— but all of that felt so distant when you are told that you only had 6 months left on this earth to figure it all out, just 180 days to really say goodbye but you were anything but a quitter. OR IN WHICH, they say when death is near a shinigami manifests, what happens when you try to seduce the god of death for a second chance at life?
tags :: 6.8k w/c, supernatural elements, suggestive, ANGST, crude humor, mentions of abuse, violence, mentions of death, blood & injuries, fluff, drinking, blasphemy, forbidden love, reader has a desk job and is a uni student, jay is 25 in human age.
A/N: this has been a long time coming and as you may know March 10th shook us all and I had to take a break from writing this so I would be less wrecked and honestly... that did not help as much because I did in fact cry my eyes out writing this so fair warning! dare I even say my favorite thing I have written ever here.
You laughed at first not believing what you heard.
6 months left? 180 days?
Yeah right.
Until the doctor did not laugh back.
Until he said, "It's normal to not be able to process—" but the ringing in your ears made everything a blur.
You don't even recall walking home, you laugh again like it was all a joke, but it wasn't.. your lungs burned and tears freely cascaded down your cheeks, your eyes were bloodshot but none of that was registering to you.
How did it all come to this?
What wrongs have I committed to deserve this?
You didn't have family to look after you or inherit wealth from much less so the option of getting treatment was completely out of the picture, the bills for a checkup alone made you dizzy.
In a world where the 1% drowned in wealth and power, the other 99% weren't even sure they could keep a roof on top of their heads for the next month. Oh how you both hated and envied them.
You drowned in bills, student debt, and now this on top felt like a cruel joke where you were the only one clueless on the punchline.
All you had was your boyfriend and the stray cat you fed outside every morning near your apartment complex.
The one person who you expected to understand you and stand by your side did the unthinkable.
It was only 2 months after your diagnosis and you had gotten into a huge fight, the hospital had called to check in if you wanted to proceed with treatment or not but he ended up picking up the phone instead of you.
"How could you hide this from me!"
You stayed silent, already anticipating his next move you flinch.
"DON'T YOU DARE MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A VILLAIN RIGHT NOW!"
It's funny, you think, how similar he sounded to your father, you promised yourself that you would not repeat the same mistakes as your mother and choose the right man but fate had it's way of not sticking to the script.
It seems like the cycle wasn't meant to be broken but rewritten under a different name.
You were 12 when your mother was told she would not make it to your 13th birthday.
It was like the nightmare you thought you finally escaped was over only for it to creep its way back into your life like it never left.
Like a scar meant to be itched till it bled and opened its wounds again.
"WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE DAMAGED GOODS!"
His last words woke you from your daze, your body froze.
Damaged goods?
You finally look him in the eye but he doesn't even look slightly remorseful for his choice of words and it stung.
This was not the man you had once loved and vowed your life for.
That version of him died a long time ago and maybe this is what you needed to hear to have the courage to stand up for yourself.
"Leave." You mumbled trembling but clapping your hands together to look more composed.
"What the fuck did you just say?" He threatened stepping dangerously closer.
"I SAID FUCKIING LEAVE. GET OUT." He looked equally shocked as you are but you stood your ground.
I'm sick of this.
I'm sick of all of this.
He wasn't the man that bought you flowers every week, who wrote you letters every anniversary, who held your hand, who waited for you after your last lecture, who carried your bags without so much as a compliant, now he was just a stranger with a familiar face that you wanted to erase.
…
"Didn't the doctor warn you to not overwork yourself too much?" Giselle is your sweet coworker and friend who you had gotten closer to now that your boyfriend was out of the picture fully. You felt like you could breathe again, he always hated when you mentioned friends or anyone other than him.
"I'm fine Aeri I promise" You offer her a weak smile, she still wasn't entirely convinced but how could she when she saw the color fade from your face as the days grew.
Winter was harsh this year almost like it was matching your inner turmoil in mocking.
You tried everything to ignore the ache that settled deep into your bones like it was claiming its rightful home. You popped Tylenols like candy, anything to stop the ache even for a second.
Giselle looked at you as if practicing her next words.
"Just spill it, you look like a fish half out of water." You joke playfully to lighten the mood.
"I know you love working…kinda and you're too stubborn to take a break or quit but maybe there is another way?"
You listen closely.
"I heard this story growing up about an ancient book."
"It is about a book that can reverse any illness or even death." She looked at you to gauge your reaction.
"Sounds too good to be true." You wave her off with a laugh thinking she was joking.
"I'm serious! It's said that there is only one copy of this book and it is protected by a shinigami, you know, the death spirit. I heard you start seeing or hearing him whenever your death is near." She whispered almost as if he could hear her.
You think for a moment before shaking your head.
"Sounds…like a children's bed time story." You speak after a moment.
"My grandma is a huge believer in these things and said she once met him so who knows."
"Come on, Aeri, it sounds like crap— no offense to your grandma but if such a being existed then wouldn't it make more sense for him to I don't know, help people not die?" You suggest and she shrugs.
"Yeah he sounds a little evil now that you put it like that."
And your conversation ends there but your mind couldn't help but wander off.
You took the bus, every cell in your body yearned to rest and so you did the moment you arrived home.
If he was real would he even want to help a low human like me?"
You thought before sleep took over you.
The next few days you felt a strange pressure pressing down on your shoulders like the exhaustion was finally winning over your stubbornness.
"Good morning." You greet the office before taking a seat in your cubicle.
"Wow, you look awful." Sunghoon said in a concerned but light tone, not wanting to make you feel awkward.
"Thanks, you look rather dashing today yourself." You remark glaring at him.
"Sorry, sorry, just want to make sure we don't have you dying out here on us." He said before returning to his office.
You were stunned.
He didn't know, how could he have possibly known when you hid it from everyone but Giselle in fear of being fired. You couldn't afford that to happen literally and figuratively.
It's okay
He didn't mean any harm
It's okay
He didn't know
You try to soothe your growing anxiety.
So what if he did? Another voice spoke within your chaotic thoughts. You froze.
I think I'm officially losing it.
Giselle saw the whole exchange happen and sent you a look of reassurance.
You stay later than everyone else, drowning yourself in more work.
The clock read 11:45PM, your eyes grew heavier, you felt your nose drip, annoyed thinking you caught a cold because of the harsh weather you look down at your sleeve spotting blood instead of just snot.
You quickly hold your nose as more blood drips, you curse under your breath.
You can't run forever. The voice spoke again.
You ignore it and continue to do so for the next few weeks no matter what it said you never responded until one night you had enough.
Laying down you stare blankly at the ceiling letting your thoughts run faster than you could catch up, you remember what Giselle told you about the ancient book. You felt restless and decided to look it up on your phone and apparently it is believed that in some indigenous cultures that a book to rewrite fate existed but was guarded by the angel of death.
"The book of the undamned must not be used carelessly, it is only to be used if you can form a strong bond with the angel of death."
You want to scoff.
Form a bond? Oh please.
You thought at first but now it the sheer desperation crawled into your bones as they ached.
Do I want to die? Like this? Like mom?
You suddenly recall your mother's last words that at the time you didn't understand but now you seem to do.
"When the clock ticks, do not wait for midnight to fix it all." She told you, holding your tiny hands in her frail ones.
Time will not stop for you because it never did for anyone.
With some new form of determination you find yourself planning the impossible.
Fuck it.
Your fate is already sealed. The voice appeared again.
Then I will unseal it. You respond, closing your eyes to sleep.
As you slept a shadow watched over you in curiosity.
Such a weak human but such strong ambition.
…
And so he watched you for 3 months quietly, he noticed the shift, it wasn't as dramatic. The way you stopped to stare at the sky a little longer, breathe in the grass, take your time chewing food, buy something cute you saw just because, and just live or try to instead of always surviving.
He found it all so fascinating, usually he never reveal himself to humans and kept his distance until their clock stopped moving but for some reason he couldn't shake off the feeling of wanting to get closer to you, wanting to see just how far you will make it.
He was so used to seeing humans be filled with the desperation to live at the beginning and have it all be taken away from them cruelly that seeing a soul like yours that wished for death for so long slowly started to want to know the taste of what living would be like for the first time ever like it was forbidden fruit.
At first he told himself he will keep a distance but he found himself oddly doing something that would probably break so many rules but who was Jay? A rule follower? Ridiculous.
You walk back to your apartment from work, had forgotten your bus card somehow while you for once decided to organize your bag.
It was a 5 mile walk and your legs were already aching, the moonlight offering you some solace in your misery of unfortunate events.
During your walk you felt watched, every alarm rang in your body.
R U N. There it was again, that voice but your body was too tired to run.
Footsteps got closer as you picked up the pace as much as you could without your lungs burning and chest tightening as you clutch it.
You dare not look behind you in pure fear.
"Stop running from me!" This voice..
You froze.
It was your ex boyfriend. Walking slightly uncoordinated, your eyes make the mistake of looking as you catch a glimpse of a sharp silver object in his hand.
"You left me, you left me." He slurred stepping closer.
"S-stay back!" You call out tripping over a rock under your heels.
You curse your bad luck.
Was this the end?
Is this how I will go?
You think for a second staring at him looming over him before brushing it all, quickly crawling to stand up, ignoring the gash on your knee from broken glass.
No.
NO.
"NO." You finally spoke your voice echoing through the dark alleyway.
Grabbing a broken shard you point it at him.
"Where do you think you are going bitch!" He shouted angrily but you don't turn around anymore, you quickly dialed the police and ran as fast as you could.
"You were lucky he was high off of his mind who knew what he could be capable of if sober." The officer told you.
Lucky?
Me?
You smile softly at that.
"Don't worry Miss, we will make sure he doesn't get out any time soon. You are safe now." Another female officer reassured you with a pat on your shoulder
You nod and let them escort you home.
That night you sat on your bed, knees tucked under your chin as you finally let the emotions spill out of you.
You aren't sure how long you were crying for but none of that mattered.
"Stop staring at me already." You wearily call out, voice worn out from sobbing.
He looked at you surprised, when hidden not many if anyone at all could see him but he made the mistake of thinking you were just anyone.
"You're quite special. How long?" He asked with an amused smile.
Seeming to understand his question you respond, "since that night in the office." You recall going to sleep and feeling his intense gaze on you.
"How clever." He chuckled.
"Do you always creep on others or I am really special." You joke.
The fact that you were in the mood to crack jokes in front of a shinigami who claimed souls without mercy made him more intrigued.
"Depends, I am a rather picky man, sweetheart." He crossed his arms around his chest.
"My lucky day then, huh?" You laugh at your own joke.
"You don't seem to be scared."
His question left you confused as well but you choose to not respond, he doesn't push.
You should be terrified but that took more energy than you had.
Why am I not scared?
And so a new dynamic forms between you and you don't know if you should mind it yet or not.
Through all these new adjustments you aren't too thrilled about going back to uni after break, in fact you dreaded it.
"So what's your name anyway, weirdo." You ask one day sitting on the couch scrolling through Netflix like a new show will magically spawn and spark your interest.
"Jay." He simply responded across from you.
You hum in acknowledgement.
"You humans sure are greedy." His eyes gestured towards your table filled with snacks of all sorts.
"At least my breakfast, lunch, and dinner aren't souls." You quip.
"Feisty too." He mustered smiling but you just glared at him from your peripheral vision.
"You're awfully chatty today." You finally turn to look at him, he was already staring at you with that unreadable expression again.
He doesn't answer but there's a flicker in his eyes that you almost miss.
Worry?
As if this asshole is capable of empathy.
"Heard that you know." He glared at you.
"Didn't I tell you to stop reading my thoughts." You threw your pillow at him but he dodged just in time.
"And didn't I tell you to stop thinking out loud, its distracting." He grumbled throwing the pillow back at you.
Be grateful you're at least eye candy.
"Is that why you keep eye fucking me when you think I'm not looking?"
"Can't you just fuck off." You clutch the pillow.
"Oh darling, I wish, unfortunately for the both of us here I am bound by a contract until further notice."
You roll your eyes for the nth time, resuming back to your snacks and shitty show.
A weird feeling crawled through the cracks of your heart, does that mean I'll be alone again once I die?
Jay doesn't say anything but he heard you without meaning to.
The snow was just starting to sort of melt, flowers have yet to bloom or so you thought.
"You know, it's kinda funny how most of my plants hate the winter but these lilies still bloom despite it." Your hand carefully caresses the petals.
"Sounds about as stubborn as someone." Jay looked at you.
"You ruined the nice moment, asshole!" You sprayed him with water, he hissed just like a cat.
"Geez stop spraying me, human!" He groaned but you only giggle chasing after him with the watering can. He could easily outrun you but decided to play along still.
…
Just when you thought the universe pitted you enough to grant its mercy, you are met with the harsh reality. Walking to campus you try to avoid wandering eye knowing they are whispering about you and your ex. To them you two were always the perfect couple so hearing the recent news stirred gossip that you wanted nothing to do with.
Then came in the victim blaming—
"Why did she stay with him"
"I would've left a long time ago if I were her"
"How did she not see the signs"
But those were easier to say than do, you learned the harsh way after questioning why your mother stayed with your father until the end but you weren't her.
You will not repeat her story.
It was all unfair, you never drank recklessly, you followed the law down to the molecule that it was borderline annoying to most, you never hurt anyone, so why? You still wonder but no longer hopeless, if the system was rigged then you will destroy it all, that you promised yourself.
But what you despised the most is hearing "It's all in God's plan, just trust in him."
Was it God's plan when your mother lost her life to an illness.
Was it God's plan for your father to throw broken glass at you.
Was it God's plan for your ex boyfriend to try to kill the same way.
Was it God's plan to give you the same curse that took your mother away?
A voice of utter betrayal spoke deep within you; he will no longer plan my life then.
You bit your tongue around others, not wanting to sour the mood, you knew their intentions were not of malice but their words did not sting any less.
You held back everything around everyone but him.
It was impossible to even hide if you wanted to because he was everywhere.
You stare blankly into the mirror applying enough makeup to hide the exhaustion, long enough for no one to notice but no amount of concealer could stop the light from slowly leaving your eyes.
Jay makes eye contact with you through the mirror. He didn't need to speak to send shivers down your spine.
"Do I look alive enough." You didn't mean to sound so vulnerable but it just came out before you could take it back.
You bite your lips, smiling bitterly.
Jay held your gaze as he got closer, dangerously close to put his hands on your shoulders.
"Yeah." He didn't elaborate further, his touch was fleeting but so intimate that your heart betrayed you.
He never used that many words around you like your eyes alone spoke enough. A language only you two understood.
It was strange, your initial plan was laced with betrayal but you found it harder to comply with as the days went on. How could you when he made you feel the most alive you had felt in a long time.
Instead of stealing his heart, your own started to betray you at every beat where it sought his warmth without realizing.
4 months have passed since you got the news.
2 months left.
And in those 4 months you have come to learn more about yourself that you never allowed yourself to before.
Discovering your favorite flowers, color, hidden cafe away from all the noise of the city, the way the sun looked before the moon appeared. Simple things that you always saw as meaningless or mundane felt more sacred and special now.
"Does everyone turn this sappy before they die?" You lay on the open field of flowers staring at the stars.
Jay looks at you thinking for a bit.
"Who wouldn't."
"Well, I don't think you would."
"Why not?"
You turn to look at him.
"Jay, do you even know what death truly feels like?" You whisper.
"To me it feels like holding a hand and desperately trying to keep it warm but failing over and over again but instead of losing the warmth immediately you get this cruel sense of hope that maybe it will all work out because it should, shouldn't it?" You smile bitterly, looking back into the starry sky ahead.
Jay thinks about what you said for the rest of the night.
Quiet moments like these weren't that common but he stored them deep into his memories, they felt too important to just be fleeting confessions of a lonely soul.
The next day your alarm rung waking you up. You groan, every part of your body felt like it weighed a thousand tons.
"You need to eat more."
"I'm fine." You cough into the napkin and hide the small blood stained from it.
"Are you trying to live or not." Jay didn't know why he was so irritated with you.
Since when was it like him to care so much for a human?
Since when did he find it within him to hold space in his cruel heart?
"What are you my mom now." You scoff annoyed.
"You humans are so ungrateful." He scoffed back leaving you alone in the kitchen.
"The book of the undamned must not be used carelessly, it is only to be used if you can form a strong bond with the angel of death." My ass, who would ever want to form a bond with an asshole like him anyway.
Him? An angel? Yeah right and I'm Santa.
Taking your usual seat on the bus you stare out the window watching the world around you move and you wander back to what he said still not understanding why he cared so much, you were perfectly capable of taking care of yourself without him or anyone.
You ignore the blatant lies you tell yourself to look more capable and independent. You look at your reflection through the glass and notice droplets of blood falling from your nose again.
You did want to live, you just weren't sure how.
You remember the doctor worryingly telling you to take it easy or you will speed up the progress to your inevitable doom.
How does a soul that only knew misery start to truly bloom.
You aren't sure if you will ever get the answer.
Or maybe you were just scared of the answer you would get.
The cemetery was serene in that solemn way it always was but now it carried more weight to it.
You crouched down setting the lilies you got next to her tomb. Your mother always loved lilies and grew them herself when she was still able to move.
Clasping your hands together with your eyes closed you talk to her like she never left.
You arrive home very late at night after having missed your initial bus. You hadn't heard from Jay since the morning yet when you take your shoes off you notice a plate of your favorite sitting on the kitchen table wrapped up with a simple note that read "Eat."
Tears you didn't know you still had appeared before you could stop them. So you ate quietly, promising yourself that you will take care of yourself better so no one would notice you drowning.
Jay quietly moved around your room after you had gone to sleep, hand carefully checking your temperature, a habit he had developed without noticing.
He moved a stray hair away from your face, he never knew a human could look so beautiful.
The next morning like every day you woke up and fed the black cat outside, Jay watched you pet the creature eyes filled with affection as you handed it treats, not caring for how it starched you.
"She is just a little timid, kinda like you." You laugh telling him when he asked how come you still fed it when it hurt you.
"How could a cat possibly look like me." He said in a deadpan tone that made you laugh, shaking your head, not answering his question.
…
"You're in big trouble." A playful voice told Jay.
"I don't know what you mean."
"You were sent to kill her sooner, instead you kept an eye out on her, why?"
Jay wasn't sure how to answer this question, or maybe he was too scared to. He wasn't even sure he could feel that emotion.
"Jake." He warned his brother.
"Come on man, everyone can practically see you dotting on her." Jake laughed, continuing, "even so, your mission was to end her suffering so why did you change your mind?" He asked him curiously.
"I…I don't know, it didn't feel right to take a soul that wasn't ready to leave yet." Jay confessed, shocking his brother.
"Yeah, you're totally screwed." Jake shook his head smiling at his brother who wasn't even aware just how deeply in love he was.
"Sounds like our king of death is in love~" Heeseung teased ignoring the rock Jay threw at him.
"Why are you two here anyway." Jay complained.
"To check up on our dear lover boy." Jake teased him too, giggling with Heeseung.
Jay threw another rock at his brother. "Geez violent as ever." Jake pouted.
"I don't think someone like me can feel love." Jay's second confession coated the playful air in a heavy but raw way that made the two look at each other then back at him.
"Why not." Jake finally spoke after a few moments of silence.
Jay wasn't expecting the sudden interrogation but he found himself surprisingly answering before he could stop himself. "My soul is not pure enough."
"So then, will you watch her wither away?"
"I will watch her bloom one last time."
They shared a look of understanding choosing to not press him further for answers.
But Jay was no different than man. He too lied. He too was selfish.
Maybe this is why he hated humans so much, he was no better.
"Can we go get some ice cream?" You asked him, it was 2:00AM but he did not have it in him to say no to you this time.
You two sat down enjoying the ice cream in the quiet of the night.
Time always had a funny way of moving too fast in his presence.
Yeah, maybe he was screwed but he did not mind, not when he got to see your content face.
…
ONE MONTH LEFT:
You send in your two week notice with an unshakable feeling rattling in your heart and lungs. 30 days, that is all that you had left to do something. What started off as a stupid plan to somehow steal the book of the undamned felt less like a desperation of survival and more of a desperation for closeness, like your soul made the decision for you long before you knew.
720 hours is all you had left so you found yourself purchasing liquor for the first time in a long time, you remember your father used to force you to get some every night from the creepy corner store.
You wanted to know what it was like, what did it feel like to be free? Free of guilt, empathy, and stripped completely bare.
So you sat down on the sidewalk, drinking your heart away just to finally answer one question that you were never able to as a child.
Your mind was soon in a daze, your eyes unfocused, but for some reason your heart still felt heavy.
"I thought alcohol is supposed to make you feel less miserable so…so why do I feel worse?" You spoke to no one in particular, speech slurred from the alcohol burning through your system.
"Because you're too pure for this world." A voice answered.
Jay.
You look up but he looked hazy.
"If you had the chance to live again, what would you do differently." He asked, sitting beside you as you two stared off into the night sky.
"I would love myself sooner so that I won't have any regrets." You turn to look at him through your blurry vision.
"Do you have any regrets?"
"Many, but…"
He waited for you.
"I don't regret this."
He looked at you puzzled.
Suddenly you leaned in closer and kissed his lips.
They were softer than you expected but before he could react you pulled away turning to look at the sky, for the first time in a long time Jay saw you smile.
A real smile.
Not sarcastic, not bitter, not regretful… but real, genuine.
Jay felt his heart hammer against his ribs. It shocked him, how he was still capable of feeling all of these emotions that lay dormant for centuries deep in a coffin he was sure didn't have a key but somehow your soul fit perfectly between the cracks.
Is this what affection felt like?
Is this why human are so cruel and selfish?
Because he understood in that moment in time where the rest of the world didn't matter and nobody else mattered but you burned in his vision that he would break every rule to make you smile like that once more.
A king who only knew how it felt to devour the souls of humans was brought to his knees without ever noticing by a human.
"The king of death, falling for a lowly human? How cliche" A king chuckled.
Jay remained stoic. He was sure by now the news travels to many kingdoms in the underworld but he knew they would never dare lay a finger on you.
To interfere with fate was a death wish, but to interfere with him was a death sentence.
"You will not defend yourself?" The king asked amused.
"There is only one being who is allowed to interrogate me."
The kings around the table laughed.
"God?"
"Her."
The laughter quieted down, nobody dared to even breathe for a moment because who would dare defy the strongest king who rose to his title by slaying a whole monarchy.
He didn't need nepotism to obtain power, his presence demanded that naturally.
After the annual dinner Jay sighed tired of the bragging and sycophancy.
His mind wandered back to you without meaning to.
It was new years, you decided to bake cookies and enjoy them by the tv, part of you hoping to see him before midnight.
As if he read your mind, Jay had teleported to your side, calmly stealing a cookie as the host counted down enthusiastically on the tv.
"10!"
"Hey get your own." You slap his hand away from the plate.
"9!"
"Let me taste them at least, don't be greedy."
"8!"
"Too bad! You didn't help so no cookies for you." You munch on another and look at him in faux sympathy.
"7!"
"So mean." He sighed, staring right into your eyes like he was peeking through your soul.
"6!"
"5!"
His hand reached and caressed your cheek.
"4!"
"You humans are indeed selfish." He whispered.
"And you're pure?" You raise your eyebrow at him.
"3!"
He leaned in closer and closer until his lips were a breath away from your own.
"2!"
"Not even close." He confessed, closing the gap.
"1!"
"HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!"
His lips capture yours like he wanted to be a part of you.
You think this must be how it feels to have your soul be claimed.
His hand held your neck gently, guiding you into his rhythm that danced in desperation where his tongue wanted to explore your warmth until no distance could take you away.
Your legs wrap around him, bodies moving like time stopped.
Pulling back you stare into each other's eyes, a silent understanding.
Your bodies never separated even for a moment, he held you like you were made of glass because he would never dream of hurting you even for the sake of his pleasure.
"Yours." He whispered.
"Mine." You whisper back.
…
"She has a week left, what exactly is your game plan here, Jay?" Heeseung couldn't hide his concern for long as the eldest.
"It's strange, her body has given out almost entirely but her soul is relentless. Determined."
A moment of careful silence passes.
"Does is not bother you to see her in such great pain?"
"…It does, however it feels wrong to rob her off of the best days she has had since her mother's passing."
"Do you still carry that guilt? You know you were just doing your job—"
"My job had caused her the most sorrow and for that I will be repenting for eternity to deserve her forgiveness."
Jay remembers it all like it was yesterday, having lived for so long he claimed many souls but one that he can never forget was your mother's.
"Is it my time already?" Your mother smiled at him.
Your birthday was next month and as always Jay was sent to end your mother's misery before the timeline doctors gave. His mission was to lay her soul to rest, little did he know that very mission would be far more important than he thought.
He remembers her last words as they haunt him in his awake.
"Look after her for me." She told him like she knew something he didn't even know at the time.
He never thought much of it until he met you again. You had the same radiant smile as hers.
"She would never forgive me." Jay snapped back to reality.
"So I must lay her soul to rest so she can reunite with her mother once more."
"Is that what she wants… or what you think is right?"
Jay looked at him speechless.
"It's what is right.."
"You will break her heart more by disappearing. You will break your own—"
"It's for her own good!"
Heeseung did not argue further, and so he and Jake watched over Jay as he forced himself to ignore your every call.
"Jay come on, stop hiding this is not funny..please." The way your voice cracked broke him but he had to do what was right. You deserved better— and Jay knew, knew he was being selfish here for letting himself fall for a human when there love was forbidden from the beginning.
You called for him every night for 6 nights and on the 7th he finally answered.
D-DAY:
You laid up on the bed, not even all that worried about your time being so near, all you wished for was to see him one last time.
Jake and Heeseung could no longer watch this go on so behind their brother's back they come to meet you.
"Are you here to take me?" You wearily called out seeing two shadowy figures in front of you.
Heeseung kneels in front of you, taking your frail cold hand into his warm ones.
"We are not supposed to be here but we wanted you to know the truth before it was all too late."
The truth?
"The truth is, Jay is our brother."
"Jay.." You felt your eyes get filled with tears.
"Where is.." But you had no strength to speak for long.
Eyelids heavy and breath shallow, you muster all of your energy to get up but Heeseung quickly ushers you to the bed as gently as he could, he saw the sorrow and desperation in your tired eyes.
"Jay loves you dearly, we had truthfully never seen him like this— so scared and helpless. He is trying to protect you by making you forget him. He said it is best for you to reunite with your mother."
What?
That's not what I want.
"Why." You managed to let out in a whisper.
"Back then, when your mother was very ill, he was sent on a mission, he was to end her pain and claim her soul to the afterlife."
Tears escape your eyes.
"He knew he could have withheld his mission until your mother's promise to you would be fulfilled and he might not act like it but we know he hates seeing pure souls in pain and he could no longer bear to watch her suffer."
Your breath hitched.
"I want… I want to see…him."
You weren't mad, you weren't betrayed.
Jay ran, ran as fast as he could before the clock struck midnight.
The moonlight looked ever so radiant that it reminded him of you.
He was shocked to see his brothers standing there comforting you, they stepped aside giving you two privacy.
You heard a familiar voice calling out your name.
Jay.
You idiot.
"Do you finally hate me now?" His voice cracked.
How could I ever hate you?
"Thank…you."
"Why?" He held your hand and put it on his chest, his heart was beating so fast compared to yours.
For showing me what love looks like.
For granting my wish.
"Wish?"
Back then, despite my mother's promise I wished for her to finally rest and be free, she always told me stories growing up about how when humans die they turn into fairies to protect their loved ones from afar until their time is ready to meet again.
I know she is a beautiful fairy now and maybe she sent you to me for a reason.
"What.." Jay felt his blood run cold. All this time he thought he was protecting you.
You do not need my forgiveness, Jay.
You never caused me pain.
"I love you.." You whispered before your eyes finally closed, chest and body no longer moving.
He called your name over and over again shaking you but the clock already struck midnight, he was too late.
Maybe the myth wasn't true at all after all you never needed to form a strong bond because at the end of it all your fate was sealed.
His brothers watched in ache as he broke down, sobbing and apologizing profusely to your lifeless body. He could not possibly claim your soul like this.
If the angel of death fails his mission, the soul gets trapped in the body forever to haunt those who wrong it.
He couldn't let that happen to you.
Not because of his careless actions.
And so for a century of restless nights he searched for your soul.
Calling out to you to no avail.
He didn't even care that you had forgotten all about him, as long as you were given a chance to live with no regrets he would be happy.
He never stopped looking even for a second, until your familiar scent filled with warmth and stained in fear flooded him all at once.
He gently held your soul, it was so beautiful, as beautiful as your smile.
He knew he was breaking the rules here, to defy fate itself is a death sentence— even to someone like him but he was willing to take that risk, to lose it all for you, titles meant nothing to him.
He cradled your soul and slowly guided it to the right path, his hands shaking.
"I hope you get to finally get to love yourself in this lifetime so that you will have no regrets, my love." He whispered smiling.
At that moment, it was set in stone that you never needed to claim his heart because it was yours from the start.
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EPILOGUE
Waking up late, you groan at the sunlight for attacking your eyes.
"5 more minutes.." You whined.
"Rise and shine, sunshine~" Your dad sang smiling.
"Geez dad do we need to wake up THIS early?"
"Yes, sweetheart, we need to pack your things before Monday."
Your cat jumped into the bed, you groan but cuddled it closer to you.
Your mother enters your room with her hands on her hips.
"You two breakfast is ready you better be out in 3 minutes before the eggs get cold." She scolds.
You sit up and open your arms, your mother laughs but hugs you back, "you too dad."
A happy family. Not perfect but secure, you wondered to yourself what good deeds you had done in your past life to deserve such a beautiful life. You want to thank that version of yourself.
And so after some shared dramatic hugs and tears you move to your dorm and begin your next chapter.
Students introduce themselves one by one but one stood out to you the most.
"Hi, I'm Jay." His slightly aloof tone and shy demeanor felt so familiar.
In that moment your eyes met and it seemed like your fates were sealed once more. Forever tied to one another even if your minds cannot recall your past, your souls never forget the vow they once promised.
TAGLIST: @h4avenandback, @desirexriki, @dioramass, @doraisawda (pls be sure to leave a comment if you would like to be tagged in all my future enha related works ♡)
HAPPY 700! thank you all for dealing with my chaotic ass ♡♡ until I get medicated I can't fully promise to be more active especially with my deteriorating health (im so tired of ER visits and doctors and appointments omfg), however expect longer fics to be published soon enough! In the meantime I hope you enjoy my shorter fics ♡
I cant catch a break in enville even when im recovering from a literal procedure are we fucking deadass right now...and no idgaf about being "too woke" cos some of yall are just insensitive and cruel and no im not saying go send hate to ki dont be dense now
synopsis :: saw him, got him, trained him, made him.
tags :: 1.1k w/c, suggestive, drinking+smoking, reader walking maki like a dog [lovingly] pathetic yearner! maki.
A/N: I will never stop my agenda of hot subby men who do anything for you thank u very much!
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Riki Maus was hot, so fucking hot it was irritating, you might be a little evil but you were no liar and once you set your eyes on something, it's already yours.
People always wondered how the hell you managed to make the most self proclaimed indifferent man scrape his knees from kneeling at your every will and truthfully— you didn't have to do all that much.
Maki always prided himself in his effortless ways of looking aloof around others like he was too cool for anyone ever, he was all ego and unfortunately could back it up behind his sharp tongue but so were you.
You saw the potential behind his bratty behavior, you just needed to break him first.
And break him you did, with a grin too.
He started it and you ended it.
His self sabotage tendencies only made your stubborn personality want to make him crack more.
You were like the sun and he couldn't stop orbiting around you, he wanted your approval. He needed your approval.
He isn't even sure how it escalated like this but he isn't really complaining all that much either way and for once he is somewhat grateful for his bad habits.
You ran a strict program, your family knew that, friends knew that, everyone who looked your way knew that, the very air around you held itself in both fear and thrill, you never needed to speak many words to get your point across and you sure as hell never needed to shrink to appease anyone, and certainly not a man.
So when Maki starts trying to get your attention by flirting with anyone who breathed near him you were unfazed, watching him like a predator with a drink in your hand from afar, the only look you spared him the entire night.
His composure was cracking bit by bit because why was he so damn worked up over this! Like who cares! He doesn't!
Except the way he bit his lip until it bleed and completely ignored the person he had his arm around betrayed all his reassuring thoughts.
It's been only 3 months of this and he was already losing a game he realized he was never truly playing.
He watched you the entire time, eyes never once leaving you, always searching for you without even meaning to, it was subconscious at this point.
His ego shrank down further down, he swore to himself he was never the romantic type but you occupied his mind and destroyed every weapon he held to protect his precious kingdom, without even trying— which drove him the craziest.
"You're so evil." Yuma snickered.
Feigning innocence you tilt your head.
He laughs harder, subtly gesturing to Maki who was eyeing you less like a hawk and more like a kicked puppy.
"He looks pathetic I can see why you're investing, how long do you think he will last?" He joked, bumping your shoulder.
"35 seconds, if he's a good boy he can use his big boy words." You hum, finding this all too amusing.
You smirk, finishing your drink, kissing your best friend on the cheek bidding him goodbye with a wave.
And true to your word the second your black heels click blending into the chaos of the bar with your hips swaying to the rhythm, Maki was quick to follow completely ditching the person he was with before.
He huffed seeing you pull a cigarette to smoke, in the dark alleyway only lit by the dim streetlight that's on it's last breath, flickering matching how the oxygen couldn't flow right in his head.
"You lost, puppy?" Your condescending voice echoed.
Maki blushed but was determined.
"No." He puffed his chest, fixing his posture to look more confident but even his big biceps and height all did nothing to stop him from looking so utterly weak next to you.
"No?" You smirk wider.
Silence followed, it was so loud that Maki felt every cell in his body vibrate from the tension.
Fuck this he thought to himself.
"Why won't you pay attention to me?" His mask finally slipped.
"So that's what this is about?" You step closer, exhaling smoke until it wrapped around you two like a spell to taunt him.
You lean closer to his ear whispering the next part.
"You want my attention?"
The sin laced in every word that came from your lips made Maki dizzy and drunk.
He was so fucked. So fucked and gone and he didn't care about being saved.
He nodded staring at you like a deer in headlights only the headlights were a hunter ready to devour him.
"Y-yes."
"What was that, puppy?" You couldn't help but tease him, the way his breath caught and chest rose and fell trying to gain his composure was addictive.
"Yes." He said more firmly now, still breathless.
"Hmm." You exhale another puff of smoke.
Maki looked at you confused.
"Beg right like a good boy." You spell it out for him, throwing the cigarette on the ground, heels stomping on it with a little too much force loving the way be flinched at the sound.
He was caught in your web, invisible strings coaxing him to dismantle every stupid rule he ever had.
His knees met the pavement, eyes never leaving yours, silently seeking reassurance.
"P-please—"
"You can do better." You purr hand caressing his hair, just as he leaned into your touch you retrieved your hand making the man before you whine out loud.
"Please, ma'am, let me be your good boy." He confessed.
You smile.
"Think you deserve that after your little stunts? Hmm?" You grab his chrome hearts necklace pulling him closer.
This was a trap. He knew that but he also didn't want to stop from hopping right into it.
"I don't deserve you." His voice quivered.
Pleased with his answer you wipe the tears he didn't notice falling from his eyes with your free hand.
Hands carefully cradling his face.
"I like you more like this." Your confession made his chest beat impossibly faster, his eardrums ringing from the high.
You lick his bottom lip, kissing him until he couldn't think of anything else, all possessive and sadistic making more whimpers leave his lips traitorously.
Since then he never stopped following you, forever seeking your approval and doing anything for it even if he looked like a total fool.
"I see you have a new pet." Your best friend laughed when you finally introduced him but Maki did not think it was all that funny, glaring at Yuma because what do you mean new pet? He better be the only.
oh but ik im the problem the way cos I got enough men begging for my attention in dms but my fuckass is here thinking about all the ways I could be bend over by [REDACTED] instead—
everything I write sounds stupid now, every show/anime is boring or downright triggering, all video games i loved are too overwhelming and underwhelming, i keep getting mad over nothing, and nothing sounds fun anymore, and all I do is sleep and avoid the world— omg its my chronic depression.
synopsis :: you have been secretly trying to learn how to communicate better with your boyfriend and in the quiet night where nobody else mattered but you two, you confess to him how you feel.
tags :: 700 w/c, fluff 100x, reader learns thai, james and reader being so in love, literally just cuteness overload, tiny bit suggestive. #typosarenotrealbtw #gaslightingisnotrealeither
a/n: okay I couldn't resist writing something for yufan cos thats literally loml #sueme
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You loved James— correction you love him.
All versions of him tug at your heart in ways you couldn't stop from feeling or wanting.
Playful, ditzy, lovey dovey, chaotic— you slowly found yourself craving more versions of him to learn, unbeknownst to you that your heart stitched each one close to it, the threads woven through softness that you grown to accept despite their clumsiness.
Your devotion stopped at no language nor barrier. You wanted versions of him that only belonged to you, your selfish desires hidden deep in each string.
James was no better, he loved the way you called for him, how you always called him Yufan, always using his real name when nobody was around like it belong to you, like he belonged to you, and he did.
He looked at you like you were a red rose, beautiful in your appearance and vibrant color but thorns adoring you, a layer shielding you from the world's tainted hands but that world did not include him.
"Yufan." You quietly called for your lover.
"Hmm." He absentmindedly responded, engrossed into finishing up his latest report.
You saw it then, his ever so slightly disheveled hair, sunken red eyes, dry lips that he kept licking.
"Come here." You didn't ask, you left no room for arguments when you opened your arms from the bed, inviting him into your warmth and James was a weak man, he couldn't find it in himself to say no.
Wordlessly he turned off the PC, his movements sluggish and weighed down by his worries.
He climbed on the bed resting his head on your chest, your heartbeat soothing him.
You smile, carefully brushing his hair away from his face, placing a sweet kiss on his forehead.
"My workaholic baby." You tease, but your words were as soft as your touch, careful to not disturb him.
James lifted his head to look at you, eyes sparkling and big, lips pouting slightly when he inched closer, you both giggle when he tries to kiss you but his glasses get in the way.
You gently take them off, placing them on the nightstand before your hands return to his face.
"Yufan, Rák ná." [love you] you kiss his nose.
"Rák mâak." [love you so much] you whisper kissing his tired eyes next.
James lets out a small gasp, dangerously close to a whimper from the overwhelming feeling of being so loved.
"Rák mâak thêe sùd nai lôok loei." [love you the most in the world] you place another kiss, this time on his lips, short and sweet, a shy smile creeping from the intimacy of it all.
Your confession knocks the air from his lungs, his face and ears all red like your own, the silence wasn't awkward, it was warm.
"You work too hard, my sweet boy." You brush his hair tenderly.
He smiled bashfully, taking in all of your praise.
"Rák mâak gwàa, kon-dii." [love you more, my good girl] he confesses, looking at your eyes like he was telling you his soul belong to you and you only.
His lips molding into your own like he wanted to seal the deal— fuse your souls together for all eternity.
"You're blushingggg." You giggle teasing your boyfriend who was flustered.
Instead of responding with words his hand gently grasps your neck pulling into a passionate and dizzying kiss that stole all your breath till you were just as equally flustered if not more.
A quiet moan escapes your mouth when he bites on your bottom lip sneaking his tongue in, he wanted to drink you in fully, intoxicated by your flavor.
In the rather silent night where nobody was looking, judging, or existing in the moment but you two, you learned a new version of your lover that only belonged to you, the soft one that looked at you with so much raw warmth and sweetness despite the tiredness in his limbs, none of that mattered when your hearts were beating as one.
His selfish desires were no better because he wanted this version of you that laid beneath him all red, pliant, and giggly to be for his eyes alone.
synopsis :: jay injured her hand and is unable to play too well and nicholas decides to step in.
tags :: minor angst, established relationship, fluff, butch4butch
— MASTERLIST
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Jay was convinced the world was out to get her because how can she explain to her bandmates that she stupidly injured her hand trying to carry equipment too heavy for her despite being warned.
Her stubborn nature won over any rational part of her when one of her bandmates said "its too heavy you will hurt yourself." Jay just scoffed, she took it as a challenge— it wasn't.
Jokes on her now because her wrist hurt the more the days went on as they practiced for their upcoming gig, it wasn't just any normal one too, it was their first one, opening for their biggest crowd yet.
She thought she hid it well, biting down on her lips to ignore the pending pain that grew sharper.
Nico noticed, she stayed quiet at first not wanting to put her girlfriend on the spot but one night it all just happened.
The gig was in a week, the band was practicing almost daily to prepare, Jay kept messing up the cords and timing that the others grew more suspicious because it wasn't like her at all.
"Are you okay?" Sunghoon, the drummer asked.
"You look pale." Jake, the lead vocalist, worriedly added.
"I'm fine! Sorry I'll make sure to practice solo more." Jay quickly tried reassuring them but none bought it. The sweat beading on her hairline and her furrowed brows weren't all that convincing.
Nico carefully held her wrist to stop her from playing and the shaky but sharp breath that left Jay made the room quiet.
"You're injured. That's enough, go rest." There was no room for arguments or debate. Nico wasn't mad at Jay, she was mad at herself for not stepping in sooner.
"I'm really—" The words die down at Jay's throat when she realized nobody believed her.
"I just fell this morning I'm fine, really! We only got a week left, I can manage."
"You are not performing with an injury." Nico caught her off, she was stern but it came from a place of care, Jay knew that but still she left her emotions get the best of her.
"Seriously? I'm not a child, why does everyone always treat me like I'm so fragile!" Jay blew up unexpectedly shocking the rest.
"Then start communicating like an adult." Nico said and immediately regretted her poor choice of words.
Jay looked at her girlfriend before quietly leaving the garage.
It's been days since that and she wasn’t sure how to talk to her. Jay knew it wasn't fair for her to blow up on Nico like that when the issue was her insecurities that piled up, doubts of her capabilities and importance laced around her throat like barbed wires that tangled at each negative thought.
Jay, still stubborn as ever, tried to tune her guitar the night before their performance, she didn't notice the door to her bedroom opening until she heard a sigh.
Looking up, she saw Nico looking at her with a knowing look, placing down the food she order to sit next to Jay.
Wordlessly, Nico took the guitar away from Jay gently and started to tune it. In the silence the notes played were comforting.
It was intimate and sweet in the chaos that filled Jay's mind.
After a few moments of silence the two broke it off.
"I'm sorry.."
"I'm sorry—"
The two look at each other and let out a light laugh.
Jay smiled, tears threatening to spill, "—I'm sorry for taking it out on you like that…you didn't deserve that."
"I'm sorry for calling you childish." Nico whispered, wiping the stray tear that fell down Jay's cheek.
Their stared into each other's eyes, their love ever so evident that no petty argument or misunderstanding could shake it.
"Next time, I'll speak up." Jay whispered back guilty, swallowing the lump in her throat.
Nico caressed her cheek, resting her forhead on Jay after a moment.
"Next time, I'll make sure you don't feel too scared or ashamed to come to me." Nico promised sealing it with a sweet and soft kiss.
During the performance, adrenaline coursed through everyone's veins but Jay felt the most nervous, hands shaking.
Nico noticed how she tried to hide them behind her back and crack silly jokes to lighten the mood.
She stepped closer to her, fingers lacing through hers where no one can see. Jay squeezed her hand as a silent thank you, Nico squeezed it back.
The crowd was lively, screams of excitement rose as the band played flawlessly, Nico played so naturally, glowing that Jay's breath hitched when nobody noticed.
Tonight they switched roles, Jay grabbed the Nico's mic and Nico held her guitar, and those little piece of each other reminded them that no matter what role they play, they will always be meant to be together, a pair that you shouldn't separate.
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