and messy, and fun, and chaotic and full speed and turtle slow. I came on here to look at some of our summer fun we’ve had along the way and think of things to put on my radar for this summer and instead I ready a few posts along the way and am in awe of how far I have come, we have come..
Life is so different. I am so different now. We are in this season that has taken my breath away and I cant keep up. I started turning inward again in hopes of just trying to figure some things out. I cant keep up. I am metaphorically drowning again. and then I say to myself, Kacey, you have been here before and you have got yourself out of messes like this before.
How do I do it all. I don't. How do I put myself in 4 places at once, I don't.. How do I find peace with that. As the kids are older I have this yearning for 5 years ago even though you couldn't pay me to go back there. I have tried my best to ebb and flow and grow with what we need NOW and not how it used to be. which isn't easy for me, a lover of all traditions.
I have released my children into the wild wild world and they spring back to me every now and then. I see it and feel it when they ask for a movie night or to go to the leisure center.
We planned a trip to Hawaii when we moved up. It was the first decision the four of us made moving up and it was this “ we can still have a fabulous life even though I left your dad and we are in 3 schools in six months and Im so sorry I tried my best. Even now, with all the self work I have done moving forward and doing the right thing. it sits there in the back of your head. a mini trigger that “your marriage didnt work out, you are less then”. its mind blowing.
I teach my kids the power of saving and travel and we saved so long and so much that the jar at the front of my foyer has peppa pig riding a surf board. peppa who?
During one of our family meetings, Brixton said to us “ are we ever going to go? or are we just going to talk about it” and fair. we booked tickets the next week. book the flight! that's usually how it starts and completed. Everything falls into place after that.
This trip was solid gold for our family. As we spiderweb away from each other in soccer directions, and play dates, and hang outs, and studying for tests, and messaging friends around the clock. this was a lovely reminder that we all still really like each others company and we know how to have fun together.
We let the vacation speak to us. however it needed to. We changed our mind, we changed direction. there was no-one to answer to as we weren't traveling in a group. we went up for some air con break and a cloud rolled in and we said lets go find dinner. we got ready to go. took off the wet bathing suits, made it to the pathway and the next resort over, the sun came back out. 35 and humid.. we sat on some other resorts chair and went “where are we even going?” looked at each other and said back to the pool? and we all agreed and laughed and walked back up to the room, placed the wet bathing suits back on and found new chairs to sit on. ordered mango smoothies and chicken strips. and resumed as we were.
and no one whined or cried or was mad we changed our mind. it was lovely. Hawaii post will be another time. But it felt like this giant exhale we all needed in life. and we accomplished a goal!! a 5 year goal that we made as a family.
I walked onto that beach in the morning after the crazy travel day of hiccups. and I exhaled and choked up. filled with so much joy and release. the kids didnt even see the few tears that fell. we ran and got our feet into the ocean and played. and this need to prove that we were going to be okay and the kids wouldn't be messed up, who am I kidding we all give them different reasons to be messed up.. and that we just DID it! literally fell off of my. as though I had a thick terry cloth towel cloak covering me from the sun. I felt it fall away and I actually said out loud. “ you fucking did it Kacey! and followed that up with “ you had absolutely nothing to prove to yourself’
talk about freedom and exhale.
I brought a note book and just jotted down anything I could that trip and as I crawl out of the vacation low that comes after such a great vacation. I am already thinking, where are we going next in this world kids?!?! where are we going next.
motherhood is crazy working full time. I cant grasp anything and I cant parent the kids how I want to. and I see the silver linings in there and the goodness that is coming out of that. but man oh man.I yearn for the slow mornings at home while the sun slips through the front blinds. sitting on my front steps talking to me sister on the phone and chasing the sun. I am also grateful that I sucked the ever loving marrow out of that stage of life. I knew when I was in it that it was fleeting, the elders told me so almost every day, but wow. not that we are in this stage.
phew. where do we go from here?
