For Kaeden, Our Angel

Notes For Our First Born. Born Sleeping. Forever Loved. 15 December 2018. 11:55 a.m.

[kaedensmom]

Happy 1st Angelversary our darling Kaeden.

Today we celebrate your short but sweet life. We love you so much our son.

Mommy and Daddy loves you so much.

[kaedensmom]

Everyday I think of you, I miss you so much baby palangging.

Remembering you always and forever.

We love you so much our baby angel Kaeden. 💙

[kaedensmom]

I love you forever,

I like you for always.

As long as I’m living,

My baby you will be.

Today marks the 10th month since you grew your wings my love. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. You will always be my biggest “what if” in life. I will carry you in my heart Kaeden… always. We love you so much our son.

[kaedensmom]

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you.

My heart longs for you. I miss you my love, my Kaeden.

[kaedensmom]

I think of you everyday my son.

I think of all the should have beens and would have beens.

The pain of losing you never went away, I just learned how to live with it every single day.

I swear I’m going to make you proud.

I love you forever my Kaeden. Always.

[kaedensmom]

My love Kaeden,

It’s your daddy’s birthday today my baby and it would have been so much happier if you were here physically with us. Today should have been the day that you are staring at me while preparing for a surprise for your daddy. Your daddy is one to not make a big fuss about his birthday, but he married your mommy who likes to make every birthdays special. Guess he needs to live with that eh?

Days like today make me dwell into the impossible, I keep on thinking of an alternate life with you in it, where you are well and alive. The past days, I’m easily triggered and always in the urge of crying. Last night, your daddy and I went to buy for curtains, and at the same floor the store was selling baby clothes, I was about to cry when I saw baby boy clothes when your daddy started to approach me. I quickly composed myself as I don’t want your daddy to worry.

I remember my birthday last March, how I cried so much when it hit me hard again that you were gone and my vision of being a new mom at 31 ceased to exist. Now, on your daddy’s birthday, I feel that his thoughts are the same. We should have a baby boy with us today, it should have been his first birthday as a dad, everything should have been so much better, we should have you. Knowing your daddy, he would not show his emotions. But don’t worry, I’ll be the strong one today.

We love you so much our son, we miss you everyday. You are with us in our hearts, always.

Loving you forever,

Mommy 💖

[kaedensmom]

[kaedensmom]

Everything would have been so different

This coming weekend would have been my son’s christening. I planned it ever since I knew we were blessed with him. My husband’s birthday is also this week and it would have been a perfect way to celebrate my boys. I have mentioned in my previous post that I know that I will be plagued with thoughts of “this time last year”, and this week I can feel that emotion a hundredfold.

I find myself browsing for party ideas of how I would have decorated the venue for the reception. Thinking of how happy that day would have been. I know, it’s really stupid thinking of the impossible, but I just feel that I should have been busy with planning a party this week. Just now, I asked my husband what he would want to do on his birthday and his answer just broke my heart, he said “nothing”. Then I told him that we would visit Kaeden that day and he let out a small smile. I know he misses our son so much. How I wish things would have been so different. I wish Kaeden was still here.

[kaedensmom]

This time last year

This time last year, at this very moment, I found out I was pregnant.

I can still remember vividly what transpired that day. I woke up early with four pregnancy kits at hand, hoping for the best. I remember my shock that all four kits turned out positive. All the worries I had with PCOS went out of the window. I was going to be a mother for the first time. I remember, I looked in the mirror with my hand covering my mouth in utter happiness, almost jumping for joy. I immediately woke my husband up and told him the good news. He processed the information for a second then immediately hugged me.

That point in my life was one of my happiest. Remembering it now puts a smile on my face, but the feeling of sadness immediately washes over me. I’m now living the complete opposite of how I was feeling last year. Sure there are days that I’m okay, but the feeling of longing for my son will always be there.

I’ve watched a TED talk about a woman who walks the same road of grief and it struck me when she said “you do not move on from grief, you move forward with grief”.

I know from this day onwards I will be plagued with thoughts of “this time last year...”. But I’ll try my best, like really try harder, to keep in mind that I do not move on from Kaeden, I move forward with Kaeden. As difficult as it may seem.

[kaedensmom]

6 months on

It was on 15 December 2018, at 11:55am, a Saturday, when my world turned upside down. My life changed drastically and part of me died the moment my son was born without a heartbeat.

I’m at this point where I find myself at a standstill. My heart breaks on the fact that the days that I lost him now outnumbered the days that I had with him. This emotion is then doubled on the fact that the 15th of this month is the very first one of the year to fall on a Saturday.

I carried my son for 6 months, and those 6 months with him were the best times I ever had. He was my first child, my answered prayer. He put an end to my endless worries of “am I capable of carrying a child?” and “what if having PCOS hinders my chance of getting pregnant?” and so on. He was my blessing. My husband and I’s bundle of joy.

6 months with him, and now 6 months on without him.

The first thought that comes up to my mind when I wake up every morning is, “I should be waking up to a sleeping/crying/smiling/farting/staring-at-his-momma baby right now”, but instead, I wake up to a silent forlorn morning.

Unlike the first few months in this journey, I don’t find myself crying that much anymore. But there are still days that I find myself back to square one. I cry for the future that my husband and I lost. I cry for my son.

Looking back I didn’t know how I navigated through life, how I survived the most awful thing that any one could ever face. I am trying my best to keep myself busy so that my Kaeden would be proud. But days like today definitely make me stop on my track and think back on everything that had happened. My heart breaks for the baby boy that had given me so much joy in a short span of time.

I will forever love you Kaeden. Everywhere I am, there you’ll be. 💙

[kaedensmom]

Your Favourite Dessert

Today, I woke up with the feeling of eating your favourite dessert.

I remember the good days that I had with you my son.

I remember how we love yogurt so much, that your daddy made sure that we bought yogurt everytime we went grocery shopping.

I remember how we ate yogurt, while your daddy enjoyed his vanilla ice cream.

I remember how I was so delighted selecting different yogurt flavors.

I remember how you kicked me while I ate yogurt.

Today, I woke up with the feeling of eating your favourite dessert, so I did.

This is for you my son, my Kaeden. Thank you for making me happy. I love you so much. I miss you.

[kaedensmom]

I miss you so much my son. I miss our moments together. I love you so much Kaeden.

[kaedensmom]

I will always love you my son, my Kaeden.

[kaedensmom]

[kaedensmom]

I miss you so much. My heart longs for you my son. This pain is killing me.

[kaedensmom]

Mother’s Day

I was looking forward to this special day ever since last year when I found out that we were blessed with you. I did the counting, I would have an almost 2 months old baby boy by the time Mother’s Day 2019 came. It would be my first to celebrate this day as a member of the most prestige club ever. I remember, I planned to tell your daddy to just order in food cause I just want a simple celebration, just us three. I was so looking forward to celebrating more Mother’s Day with you, Kaeden, you who had given me the honor of being your mom.

Carrying you for the short time that you were here were the best days of my life. You changed me for the better, you made me realized that I was capable of bringing life in this world. You are my answered prayer. You made me a mother.

Now, Mother’s Day 2019 is here and it’s totally different from the one that I had imagined. Instead of an almost 2 months old baby, all I carry is 4 months and more of heartache because your were born sleeping at 25 weeks. Instead of staying in and ordering food, your daddy and I would be visiting your resting place, bringing you flowers. Instead of kissing, cuddling and smelling your baby scent, I will be sitting beside your grave and most probably cry for the future that we had lost.

I know that the pain of losing you will always be there, it will always be a reminder of how our life would have been. As difficult as this could be, I would face it head on cause I want to make you proud my son. I know I’m still a mother, just the unconventional one, a mother of an angel.

[kaedensmom]

My last bumpie with my Kaeden

I was scrolling through the photos in my phone when I stumbled on my last bumpie with my angel baby. Looking at that particular photo hit me with the realization of how ironic life truly is.

One thing to know about me is I’m a big Harry Potter fan, more so in the books than the movie adaptation. I remember when I was younger, I vowed to myself that I would read the Harry Potter series to my future children. I love the story so much that I want them to experience what I had experienced while reading the book.

On the 2nd of December 2018, my husband gave me his early Christmas gift, a Harry Potter Book set. I was so happy that time that I decided to read the 1st book to my baby inside my tummy.

I still remember that day vividly. I was waiting for the laundry to finish, so I sat down on the couch and read the first chapter of the book. I remember how happy and comfortable I was that I decided to snap a picture of the two factors that made me giddy, the book and my son, Kaeden.

The Boy Who Lived.

How ironic it is to read about a boy who lived to my son who, a little more than a week later, was born sleeping.

Kaeden was born still on 15 December 2018 at 25 weeks. He was perfect, so handsome and looked a lot like his daddy. I will never forget the way he looked when the doctor showed him to me. My sleeping baby boy, who I desperately wanted to cry so that he’d live. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again. Part of me died the day my Kaeden, my baby boy, was born sleeping. I’m never the same.

Now, 135 days later, my heart still aches for my boy who didn’t live. Most of my days I’m consumed with memories of the past. Of every moment that my son and I shared. His kicks, hiccups and dancing inside my tummy. The way he moved whenever we had a scan. Even the time where he waved at us during his 16 week scan. I was astounded that he was moving so much already even though I couldn’t feel him yet. I remember his daddy’s laugh when we saw him wave at us in the screen. Oh it was truly one for the books, our happy days.

I miss you so much my baby boy. I wish you could have lived. Our lives would have been so brighter and happier with you. I love you Kaeden. Always.