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[kairos8]

Like: The Bold Type

This is Sex and the City for Gen Y. I am late on watching this show. But I really like it. Unapologetic, but I get inspired when I watch. I remember my 20′s. I really had a solid group of girls in my 20′s. Actually, since college. I am lucky with girlfriends (more than boyfriends).  

[kairos8]

Fear: Fear Street!

Way good to be brought back to childhood - sorta - because of this series! Kidneys sore because of the good fear watching the show. But all worth it. Last one over the weekend. Woohoo!

[kairos8]

Need: Self Detox

Been awhile. Lots and lots of twists and turns happening. Luckily had my vaccine shot the other day. Hand is sore, heart grateful! My entire body is actually relieved for that one shot. I also sorta got over my fear of needles. I never had the regular flu shot done before because of that fear. 

I woke up this morning, tuned into lotsa insta and youtube. I am in a crossroad in my life and I just felt slight panicked. So more browsing and mind thinking. 

But a thought crossed my mind though, AM I THE TOXIC ONE in my own life? Am I consciously making it complicated? Am i taking care of it? Am I beating myself up too much? Am i too lax on myself? 

I think I’ve said before that I deeply believe in reparenting yourself. I have to really put in the measures on how to do this. 

[kairos8]

Need: Stop People Pleasing

I have realized while washing dishes that my life’s big goal actually was to please people. Need to really wrap my head around this freeing statement. 

[kairos8]

Need: Forgive

I also decided to just forgive people from my past. I cannot drag all of it down in the present and in the future. 

Tomorrow will remain unblemished. 

[kairos8]

Need: Skip the Drama

When you face your fears and all things you avoid, sometimes, that is when you find your answers. 

I’ve been dwelling on some negative thoughts and feelings for the past couple of days. Shame is predominantly what I feel. I don’t know if it happens for a lot of people but usually when I follow an exciting kdrama, the last few episodes become really difficult for the protagonist. And usually, what I do, is pause my viewing, even months after the drama has ended because I cannot take in what I was going to watch. What I learned now though is, I do have options. I felt too much for the second lead in Start Up. Like I really really wanted him to win even above the two leads. And so everytime he is in pain, I fast forward. Why make him waste the other good parts of the show? 

Hmmm. Yeah, I never saw it that way. I actually liked the show. Sometimes, we love the drama. Sometimes though, we just need to totally skip it to get to the good parts. 

[kairos8]

Need: Daily Check

It’s been a year since I started to assess myself daily. I started during the pandemic. It was more of out of need not want. I checked my overall well being, from physical, mental, emotional states. I used Maslow’s hierarchy in checking too. I had to do this to keep my sanity in check during the crazy times of Covid, when everything was uncertain. Now I added a few more boxes to check daily like caring for others, goals, and empathy. 

I realized how inward looking I have been most times. Partly, this was I think a defense mechanism also. I had to be Ok because I felt like at the end of the day, I could just really rely on myself. Caring for others is really either obligatory or secondary. 

Covid’s greatest teaching, aside from washing hands, is that life is short. Given my faith, I believe that there is a life after this. It’s one I look forward to because I know my mama is there in heaven. And in the transition point of going there, I just wanna make sure that I also cared for other people, not just myself. So it’s ok to ensure you are ok. That’s the animal in us. But taking care of others is the God in us. I am yet to see how I bloom from that angle, because frankly, it takes effort. 

[kairos8]

Need: Knowing How It Ends

I've always been the type of person who simply has to know the ending of either a series or a movie or a book. Spoilers don't faze me, they comfort me. So usually, if it's a movie, I wiki it. If it's a series, I watch the ending first. I don't like being surprised with deaths, breakups or sad endings. I deal with the ending first, then go through the series. Even with books, I read the last chapter first most times.

And yet, I wanna surprise myself a little bit extra today. I am going to watch Confidential Assignment. A korean film that I've wanted to watch long time ago and finally now available in Netflix.

I probably won't change that much as a person. I'd still probably be that gal that works on the ending first and figure out the way there in between. Whether it be on movies, books or even life in general.

Anyways.

Gotta watch now. :)

[kairos8]

Dream, Need, Fear: Chloe Ting

Ok. I said I was feeling blah and meh awhile ago. And the it was still in my to do list to exercise, and so I did. Finally, I tried the Chloe Ting workout! 

I was scared to try it at first, not knowing yet how intense it was gonna be. 

Man, i cannot remember the last time i sweat that much and I just used the low intensity parts. My heart was palpitating after. Good thing, I looked for cool down videos as well. 

Actually, I just realized now that what I was doing in Fitness First Thailand, was actually pretty intense already! And so, I was not new to the stunts. But, the same ones that I had a harder time achieving before were the same ones I had a hard time doing now. Still. Progress. 

But yeah, I enjoyed Chloe Ting’s workout routine. And just as a plus, I found a workout video of the routines we were doing in Thailand uploaded in the Fitness First youtube channels! Yey. 

Bonus too, I tried yoga again awhile ago after so long. Like, years. And the body does not forget. In all fairness. 

One step closer to my Goop dreams. hehe. :) 

And yes of course, I will do the Chloe Ting 2 week Challenge. 

[kairos8]

Overthinking Space: Feeling Blah

I wore red nails and red lipstick just to pick myself up. I felt so grateful this morning and now I am just feeling so blah. 

Could it be that I just realized how much things I have neglected for the past months? Years? 

Could it be because vacation is almost over now and it’s time to grind again? 

Could it be that there is so much negative news everywhere? 

Could it be that I am so full but so hallow in feelings? 

Could it be my period fast approaching? 

Could it be that I supposedly did spring cleaning or just rearranged mess? 

Could it be that suddenly I lost Why? Or asked myself why again? 

Could it be that I miss traveling? 

Could it be that I miss just being natural and be in one w nature? 

Could it be that I miss hanging out with people I like? 

Could it be that I stared so hard at the things I like and even those don’t excite me now? 

Could it be that I have lost things to look forward to in netflix now? And youtube? And IG? 

Could it be that I don’t find my books interesting? 

Could it be that I am just craving for chocolate? 

I need to pick myself up some more. 

[kairos8]

Overthinking Space: Easter 2021

I remain to be grateful in His steadfast love and care. 

I was able to do Spring Cleaning (more like Purging honestly). I am not able to finish yet but hopefully by the end of the day, things will be much more cleaner. Much like all the fear, doubts, rage, hatred going around the world lately. I sincerely hope, we all get through this not hating each other more but loving each other more. 

Easter is a reminder that one dark Good Friday will always, always be followed by the light of Easter. 

God is faithful with His promises. Shedding some light and good vibes to every one I love.  

[kairos8]

Need: Words of Praise

I need to put it out here so I get to be reminded someday. Especially when I am too hard on myself.  

My new boss just told me she finds me “sobrang sipag” (very hardworking) and committed after a good corporate achievement. I sincerely cannot remember when i was sincerely praised this way. Sometimes, it’s also good to be reminded of your good side. I am quite better at beating myself on a day to day. I never usually think what I do is enough. I think I covered this also before.

I am just grateful for the acknowledgment. Lifting somebody up once in a while is just what we all need. 

[kairos8]

Dream,Fear,Need: Financial Independence

What a boring topic right? 

When I push this towards family and friends, I can feel I off them most times. I used to be like that as well. I also came from the idea that money is bad. I also came from a YOLO perspective. Bro Bo Sanchez helped me change that mindset. Approximately 6 - 7 years ago. I was fortunate to be exposed to the fact that one can be financially healthy but also spiritually healthy. You don’t have to choose. So far, it has helped me get over one of the most personally scarring moments of my life - my mom diagnosed and died of CA. But because of that incident, it has further woke me to the fact that financial health is not just an individual responsibility as well. Financial health is a family concern. Financial health is a community concern. Financial health is a country concern. 

[kairos8]

Need: Exercise!

I run again today. Measly 2K. But better than nothing, I guess?

I really need to do this more often. No excuses but just to really move the body and let it know you're still going! My weird theory is that exercise is a way to talk to our primitive senses that we are alive and kicking! I just remembered all the fun classes I actually liked when I was in Thailand. Body combat and yoga were my faves! The classes were in Thai but I loved them! I just copied all the movements mostly from my classmates. I wish I could join those classes here too. But, again no excuses.

[kairos8]

Need: Stay Grateful

I often hear, especially from good natured mentors, that when everything seems bleak, learn to look on the sunny side. Count blessings. Be grateful. It’s not just good natured pep talk. They say that our minds are trained to spot errors, things to look out for, negativity. So one said, no matter how small, count 100 things to be grateful for, especially when you are on a rut. This really makes your brain think and scour for what makes you happy, no matter how big or small. I did this one time when I was anxious, and it worked! Imagine doing it right before sleeping? 

I won’t share my entire list here. But this really made my morning: My Muji Cup plus UCC Drip Coffee. Some things don’t need to be justified. They just need to be enjoyed. 

[kairos8]

Need: Self Esteem

Self Esteem. AKA to me as the constant need for a stamp of approval. AKA to me as the roller coaster intent to be deemed worthy by other people.

This one for me is not just a work in progress but a pattern break as well. 

I realized that I have a pattern of giving that stamp to other people. I perform and then I allow them to approve. If they don’t, it crashes me whole. And I contemplate if I am enough or worthy. If they do, I usual feel like a happy puppy after performing a trick, eating a treat. 

For some parts of my life, this served me well. But it is dangerous to give that much power to other people. Let’s face it, people lens you thru how they seem fit, their own standards, their own needs, their own bias. 

I wanna live thru life offering my best, but ultimately valuing my self enough to define my own self worth. 

Especially not giving that power to other people. 

I officially, take that stamp back.  

[kairos8]

Fear: Covid 19

I don’t wanna be pretentious. What a weird time to be in. It has been 1 year already since the start of the pandemic. Things are still beyond normal. There has been roll out of vaccines but also roll out of hate. One of my FB friends asked, "What do you do to keep hopes up during this period?”. I told her of my two spiritual (virtual) mentors. Other than that, it is to have the right people in my life to uplift me and vice versa. Key also is to have something to look forward to after all these have passed. It helps also that I tried to remember all the instances the world has experienced a reset. Those that thrived are those that went beyond the circumstances they were in. Need to find that ray of sunlight on a daily basis. 

I collect pops that mean something in the year I bought them in. This pop down below is a kudos and a remembrance of all those who are fighting on the front line.