Intermission For Impulses @kaitlynjanine - Tumblr Blog

My husband about our son: “I never thought I’d be so proud of someone for growing teeth.”

Mom and dad went up to Michigan to camp for their anniversary. Got there Sunday and a day later I get a call from dad. “Don’t freak out, but...” Like, how you going to start a call like that and not freak me out. Mom had what she thought was the worse migraine she had ever experienced. My mom doesn’t get headaches or migraines. She started to throw up and couldn’t open her eyes because her sensitivity to light was too extreme. Got to the hospital and lo and behold, it’s a brain bleed. And, it’s bad. So bad, they decided they needed to transfer her to Kalamazoo 45 minutes away to the East. She’s in the ambulance, dad’s frantically trying to pack up the campground, and meanwhile I’m on the phone with my sister. We’re both bawling. Yet again, within months of my dad’s heart attack, we’re lying on the floor trying to stay positive and at the same time, wondering how in the hell is this happening again. We just went through this with dad, now mom? Surgery to remove part of her skull to relieve pressure, stop the bleed, and then staple her back together took a total of three hours. I got to the hospital just as she was coming back to her room after surgery. B accompanied me to keep me calm during the drive and to be a support. Dad met me in the parking lot because it was after visiting hours and COVID. The next morning, she was awake.

I shaved her head last night trying to be careful around the staples. She called my sister and they joked about her looking like Sloth from The Goonies. She couldn’t talk all day today. Dad got worried and brought her back in. Another small bleed. I pray. I ask B to pray. I call my sister- she doesn’t answer. I call her boyfriend. He says he’s going to drive to where she is to let her know. “Please don’t worry her, we don’t know the extent of it yet.” “She’ll want to know.” Now we wait... again.

What the fuck.

A client at work got to treatment late today. Where was she?

First, the doctor to tell her she is with child and potentially slowly miscarrying.

Secondly, at the courthouse getting denied a restraining order on the man who had sexually assaulted her twice and is the result of her pregnancy.

What the fuck.

Tricking your husband into doing yoga with you by offering to help stretch out his back.

I’d like to start journaling on here again. I, like most everyone else, am losing my mind a bit being stuck in the house in the evenings. Aside from our nightly walks, it’s usually come home from work, make dinner, then B on console and me watching videos. I need a creative outlet again. Either in the form of painting/drawing or making music.

I haven’t felt my blues in a long time, but they’ve definitely been sneaking up on me again lately. I so desperately long to be out and about, but feel the same desperation to stay in. Not only from the pandemic, but just desiring to be free. Free from my negative thoughts and feelings.

I told my boss the other day that I was going to start looking for a new job in the near future. My role in the company is changing with our most recent merge with a corporate company. I miss the days of our nonprofit family of 50 and everyone having each others back. It’s not that I hate the new company or that they don’t have my back, it’s just lacking in the mindfulness department. It might just be that I’m so close to the coldness/darkness of it all now- dealing with insurance companies. Denying care to those that are near death.

I’ve found a deep routed connection with the office manager. They’re my people. I find I can talk to them with such openness and that gives me the vigor I need to get through the days. B helps with that too. Taking care of the animals and packing my lunches each morning. My parents care for me so wholeheartedly each time I find time to stop by as well.

I want focus. My brain and vision aren’t as sharp as they used to be. My body isn’t as limber. I’m tired most days and so awake at the same time.

My parents are aging and after dad’s heart attack, I fear each day I’ll lose them. The current environment doesn’t help these thoughts in the slightest either.

I’ll get through. I’ll be strong. I need to be for my future. I need to be for my partner- For my family.

Dude, fuck 2020.

<3 never thought this day would come. #costarica

On a side note, work has asked me to take on more responsibility and my boss is training me to do some documentation for meals with clients as well as teach some nutrition group classes. I’m pretty stoked, but I’d like some more moolah! 😋

My monster-in-law and sister-in-law are holding my bridal shower tomorrow. While I’m grateful, I’m prepared to be underwhelmed. I’m mostly not looking forward to faking a smile after she told B this week that our marriage wasn’t legal and that it wasn’t fair that we didn’t do our wedding her way. “You should have had a small ceremony here. You’re making us miss thanksgiving and spending all this money when you’re already married.” Yes. You’re right. We’re legally married via $30 and a lady who signed our paperwork. BUT woman, you’re not even staying a full week, you can still do your precious thanksgiving and ALSO, you’re 60-something years old. GET OVER YOURSELF. 🙄 This is not about you. Your son is getting married, you get to visit a country you’ve never been before and most likely would never have been, and not to mention- YOU’RE 60-SOMETHING YEARS OLD- STOP acting like a child. I did not beg you to come, I went on your cruise vacation this summer that you HAD to take despite the fact we were saving money for our wedding and transitioning our lives and jobs to another state- and yet, we still made it work, and YOU’RE... a bitch. Sorry to my kids who may read this in the future. I hope you’re grandmother treats you well- I hope that you’re love can teach her to love herself, and I pray more than anything else- that she can learn some compassion. And, I pray for patience and guidance because right now- I really wouldn’t mind ever seeing her again.

So, I got married today. Our symbolic ceremony in Costa Rica with friends and family is in 5 weeks, but our legal marriage was today. And as we fill up the jacuzzi in our little suite for the night and talk about our future together- I feel so happy to be here, right now. Mrs. V- so extraordinarily strange and unreal and awesome. ☺️

I started a new job today. It’s at a non-profit eating disorder clinic. And, I just have to say- it’s so dope. I’ve learned so much on the first day- things my undergrad would have never prepared me for. Things such as, clients naming their EDs. A young girl expressed how she had written an emotional breakup letter to Karen (her eating disorder). It was honestly so awesome and profound. The center is also so into self-care that they provide massages every other week on company time! I also got my very own office- as well as an oil diffuser that they give to everyone complete with closets full of oils. This is to set employees and clients at ease. Very excited for this new chapter in our lives. We’re moving to a new state that I’m nervous and thrilled about. B is a little reluctant, but supporting this journey. Looking forward to getting to know the team more and adjusting to this new change. 🥰

230 days until Costa Rica!!! 🇨🇷

When you watch The Notebook as an adult, with the one you love, and know that more than likely you’ll be the one with dementia due to a family medical history on both sides- sob your eyes out harder than you ever have watching the movie and your future husband tells you he’ll come read to you your life story of how you fell in love, but exaggerate his penis size. He’s a keeper. 😉😜

TFW you start doing yoga again before bed and feel so fucking incredible. Namaste.

When you have a mental breakdown because you feel as if you’re failing miserably at life and your husband holds you in his arms and tells you he’ll take care of you. It’s everything you want to hear, but don’t want to hear at the same time as someone who believes she’s a strong, independent female. Kaitlyn, get your shit together.

I quit my job and I can not fall asleep despite only getting a few hours yesterday. I’m pretty stressed about it, but I’m just taking a leap of faith. We’ll see how it goes. We’re driving down to Ohio tomorrow. I have another wedding dress appointment on the eve of the New Year and I’m pretty stoked to make my final decision. Although, I believe I’ve found “the one.” B’s been having some bad days lately, but we’re working through it.

So wired, tired, and praying everything works out. 332 days until we tie the knot.

When you’ve spent hours trying to rework your resume after you’ve been to a career counselor, had 2 career sites look at it, and now a third telling you it’s still shit. UGH. I’m really just considering having the rewrite service do it for me for these ATS recruiters.

Part of me is totally just not in it right now. I don’t want a “career” yet. Come on hubby, make the big bucks so I don’t have to.

Surprised my sister for her 25th birthday. My mom and I decided we were going to drive out from the Midwest to Denver for a few days to surprise R and check her neighborhood out. It’s been a riot. My cousins from Utah met us and all of us crammed into the studio apartment and made Moscow Mules.

Tonight, although I don’t smoke anymore, we went to a dispensary and bought some weed and then went to a local cocktail bar. On the walk back, my boyfriend called me and asked me to marry him claiming he’d bought a ring (he’s never been a good secret keeper). So there’s that. I’m engaged over the phone. Haha

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Intermission For Impulses