Kakashi Spirit News

Welcome to Kakashi Spirit News, your trusted source of all things happening in Gensokyo!

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Breaking News: Moriya Shrine Maiden Breaks Legs, Develops Amnesia

(Picture taken by SW (Taco))

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How to Handle a Jiangshi and/or Their Bites

(Pictured above: Yoshika Miyako; picture taken by Kaigen 1025)

Halloween is known for many things. Spookiness, scariness, skeletons... Costumes and candy, most importantly. It is also ripe for many spooky-themed incidents, such as the occasional Jiangshi bite and zombie outbreak as has occurred recently. With that, KSN offers a list of Do’s and Don’ts for handling a Jiangshi and/or their bites should you succumb to one.

DO avoid the graveyard at night. It is predictably a Jiangshi’s favorite hangout spot.

DO AVOID THE GRAVEYARD AT NIGHT. IT IS PREDICTABLY A JIANGSHI’S FAVORITE HANGOUT SPOT.

DO leave the area immediately if you are spotted by one anywhere. Jiangshi are mercifully slow to pursue.

DON’T plug your nose when traveling through or past the areas they frequent. As awful as they smell, you will prefer their deathly scent to their deathly bite.

DON’T attempt to fight one that attacks you. They do not feel pain or fear death. Because they are dead. You are at an inherent disadvantage.

DON’T attempt to interview a Jiangshi to spice up your Halloween.

DON’T attempt to strike up a casual conversation with a Jiangshi period.

If you absolutely must talk to one, DO bring a medium-sized farm animal for them to devour first as a healthy distraction.

DON’T stay and listen to any haikus about “fake news” that a Jiangshi screams at you while you’re trying to ask it a simple question.

DON’T turn your back on a Jiangshi without running.

DO seek IMMEDIATE MEDICAL ATTENTION if you are bitten. Zombification is permanent if their bite kills you. *[1]

DON’T attempt to power through a bite by drinking half a dozen bottles of sake. Contrary to popular belief, alcohol does nothing to heal bites of any kind except for love bites.

DO put your belongings somewhere safe after being bitten so you don’t lose them during your most-likely-inevitable biting spree.

DON’T feel bad about causing a zombie outbreak after being bitten. It is never your fault because you cannot consent to anything while zombified.

DON’T try to hide from a Jiangshi by dressing up as one. They are a culture, not a costume. They know who the fakers are anyway.

DON’T confuse a Jiangshi for a regular run-of-the-mill zombie. That is their hobby and they will bite you for appropriating it.

DO play loud music around them if you have access to it. This is something Jiangshi avoid. *[2]

DO leave your umbrella at home. Jiangshi have an unexplained fascination with umbrellas.

DO wear clothing that covers most of your body. The harder it is for a Jiangshi to bite you, the better.

DON’T trust anything a Jiangshi expert says, even if they are telling the truth.

Be sure to keep this article handy for the next time you run into or expect to run into a Jiangshi. Stay safe this year, and have a happy Halloween!

*[1] They work for mostly-free at Eientei.

*[2] KSN has yet to verify if this actually works, but loud music is awesome anyway so you should still try it.

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Valentine’s Day in Gensokyo: Stories, Tips, and Love

(Picture taken by Kanpa (Campagne 9))

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner (Only a week away!), and Kakashi Spirit News has done its due diligence in getting all the information you could ever need for the holiday! Thanks to an anonymous source familiar with Gensokyo’s average feelings on the matter, KSN can proudly deliver plans shared by its denizens along with helpful tips on how to spend the day with that special someone you have been longing to at the very least hang out with!

Several of the denizens asked about their plans had much to tell about them and were very excited to share those plans!

Others had tips on how to find the right date for the occasion!

Others, however, were straight to the point with their answers. Such as underground denizen Anna when asked what her plans were:

Or Sakuya Izayoi when asked about hers:

Or Reimu Hakurei:

Hell, even Rinnosuke Morichika has some good news for potential suitors!

And here’s Seiga Kaku, whose plans are so predictable that KSN asked her about something else entirely:

All in all, these stories, plans, and tips should be more than enough to help you on your quest to not be alone next week, dearest reader! Be free to be inspired by what you see here, and feel even freer to contact us afterward letting us know how it all worked out. Have a safe and fun holiday!

[[ Blogs mentioned, in order: @sophisticatedsuccubus​, @magicaldreaming​, @abundleofcanons​, @geisthonoredferry​, @magnificentmuses​, @nyalternatehellkitten​, @transientperson​, @nekofantasia​, @fantasyflame​, @mountainofhistory​, @twinfoxtails​, @clock-corpse​, @muse-matrix​, @betweenhumanandyoukai​, @thathermitwiththehairpin​ ]]

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Shapeshifter Ghostwrites for KSN, Warns of Food Teeth On The Loose

(Picture taken by Otowa (Otoha4634))

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Gensokyo Denizen Disguises Self As Shapeshifter

GENSOKYO -- In an elaborate game of hide and seek, one of Gensokyo’s many dozens of residents has disguised themselves as the shapeshifter Eri Philomele.

Their motives are currently unknown, but Kakashi Spirit News has already uncovered several clues as to who might be disguised as Eri. These clues range from applying to almost everyone in Gensokyo (such as the suspect being female) to actually pretty helpful (such as throwing a potato at the suspect). The full list is here, and several detectives (by which we mean Chen) have already made their accusations using the brute force strategy of asking literally everyone they see. On the other hand, others are beginning to suspect Chen herself, as accusing others of what you yourself are doing is a tried and true strategy for throwing people off the trail. When employed correctly, that is.

At press time, Sakuya is expected to receive several bags of potatoes despite one hundred percent not disguising herself as Eri.

(Photograph by Hestia (Neko Itachi))

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GENSOKYO LOVE ADVICE COLUMN

It's a brand new day full of fresh opportunities to improve your life, and here you are reading this online news article. Excellent choice!

It has been a while since the last article, has it not? Well it is time to return to at least some form of regularity, and what better time to do so than two weeks before Valentine’s Day? Only two weeks, can you believe it?

Regardless of all the love in the air (and there is - and will be - plenty, especially on a Sunday like this), one reliable source reports they have not seen enough engagement to make for a successful Valentine’s day, citing a lack of participation in “The Wedding Game” as well as the current surplus of Crush cans. Fortunately, there are but four simple steps to follow that will ensure your date will be as romantic as possible!

1) Be confident, stand up straight, and introduce yourself. 2) Extend your hand towards your love of interest. 3) Whisper something sweet in their ear. 4) Suplex them in a show of dominance.*

Follow these four steps, and your date is sure to be as perfect as it can be!

*In lieu of suplexes, you can try #RomanticBoxing for similar results.

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BREAKING NEWS: ACK

(Picture taken by kue)

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Youkai Attack Incident: The Human Response

More and more denizens of Gensokyo are fearing for their lives in the wake of the mysterious figure in red with a kitsune mask. To try and put their minds at ease, Kakashi Spirit News has interviewed Gensokyo’s most frequent incident-resolving humans for their take on the incident, and what if anything they plan to do about it. Below are their responses.

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Youkai Attack Incident First Impressions

Kakashi Spirit News has been eyeing the recent incident and reporting on what can be reported, and more and more of Gensokyo has become aware of the incident ever since the recent earthquake. Here is how some of Gensokyo’s residents have been reacting to the news of the incident:

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BREAKING NEWS: YOUKAI ALL AROUND GENSOKYO BEING ATTACKED! IS OUR SANCTUARY AT STAKE?

GENSOKYO – Youkai all across Gensokyo have been attacked over the past two weeks by a figure garbed in red and shrouded in mystery, reports across the land confirm.

Victims have gone missing after these attacks, and others have been severely injured by them. Accounts of the attacks describe the figure as an angry spirit, a ghost, a vengeful demon, and full of powers bizarre and unnatural. The attacks were said to all involve a burning sensation around the neck consistent with aggressive choking along with an overwhelming sense of dread before, during, and afterward.

Fingers are already pointing to Reimu Hakurei as the culprit behind these attacks, the people with those fingers citing such facts as her propensity for punching youkai in the face as the Hakurei Shrine Maiden, her attitude that they describe as “eternally grumpy” toward youkai in general, and a once reported absence from the shrine three nights ago. Counterarguments to her being a suspect include the figure being regularly active and shrouded in mystery, whereas Reimu herself is understood by all in Gensokyo to be a sedentary yet trigger-happy youkai puncher who regularly struggles with flatness-induced depression.

Youkai across Gensokyo are fearing for their lives, including Mizuumi no Kikoma, who alleges to have barely captured a picture of the culprit before they were choked. Kikoma’s account of the attack was consistent with other attacks over the past two weeks as far as their methods and the damage dealt.

At press time, Gensokyo is still reeling from a 3.1415926535 etc. magnitude earthquake, which the culprit is suspected to have also attacked.

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BREAKING NEWS: Tank Youkai Defends Against Rampaging Sakuya Izayoi

SCARLET DEVIL MANSION – A seldom seen tank youkai crashed through the Scarlet Devil Mansion’s front wall in an attempt to escape from the rampaging head maid Sakuya Izayoi approximately an hour ago.

The tank youkai was reportedly on its way out of the mansion before Sakuya’s attack on it, which prompted its defense mechanism of suddenly burrowing into the mansion’s floor until it made contact with the bedrock, water park rubble, and salt half a meter under that floor. Sources close to the scene say the tank was attacked while escorting a frolic of fairies outside in preparation of an upcoming fairy queen crowning. “I blink once and suddenly I’m hanging upside down from the ceiling again,” one of these fairies said in an interview at the scene, “and the tank is burrowed in the mansion floor!” The fairy interviewed also described the events surrounding the tank’s daring escape from the mansion. “I thought it was stuck there honestly, but then it just sneezes at the wall and boom! Hole big enough to go through, which it did! I don’t blame it, just look at all the popcorn and glitter Sakuya’s making out of us right now!”

At press time, Remilia is filing her sixteenth insurance claim this year with MeilingCare Auto and Home for ¥6,000,000 to go to exterior and interior reconstruction, plus ¥54,000,000 for garden repairs. She expects her claim to be approved ten minutes prior to her filing.

(Picture taken by growingnoob and amarantha93)

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BREAKING NEWS: Reimu Hakurei Engaged To Salt Shaker

HAKUREI SHRINE – Shrine Maiden Reimu Hakurei, protector of the Gensokyo Barrier, has at long last found a suitor to continue the Hakurei lineage, in the form of a widely influential salt shaker.

Rumors under investigation by KSN indicate Reimu’s sudden decision to prepare for a next of kin to be based upon her being a “dumbass” who thinks “it’s funny”. An official date for the wedding ceremony is expected to be given within the next seven days, most likely as soon as the salt shaker decides on which of six hundred sixty-six dresses to wear to it. Reimu is expected to wear her normal shrine maiden garb given her current revenue and budget for the month. Further information is “only available to those who donate,” said the salt shaker’s fiance (Editors are doing their best and preparing donations; please wait warmly until they are ready). The salt shake has declined requests for a comment on the occasion.

At press time, resident bridge princess Parsee Mizuhashi has been informed of the marriage, and extra precaution should be taken lest she sabotage the marriage and claim the salt shaker for herself.

(Picture taken by Manji Taba)

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BREAKING NEWS: Nue Houjuu an Elaborate Bunbunmaru Shinbun Hoax

More details to possibly follow, it’s unknown whether they actually will.

(Picture taken by Nakaya)

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Remilia Scarlet: “I honestly don’t care about Flandre”

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Rinnosuke Does Not Eat Kistune

Shopkeeper Rinnosuke Morichika confirmed yesterday that the kitsune udon he enjoys is not made using actual kitsune. Here is how some of Gensokyo’s residents have been reacting to the news:

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Yukari Yakumo Creates Beach Resort Before Yukari Yakumo

(Follow KSN here for more on-the-go journalism!) (Picture taken by Sola.H)

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Remilia Scarlet Spites Distant Friends, Destroys Own Property

SCARLET DEVIL MANSION – The sound of an exploding water park echoed across Gensokyo in the middle of the night as SDM head Remilia Scarlet took its removal into her own hands.

Finding that her previous methods of barring other underprivileged people from entering the underground water park constructed out of water, magic, and water magic proved to be futile, Remilia acquired several bundles of remote-controlled explosives and installed them both all along the pathway to the underground water park and all around the water park itself, detonating all of them and burying her money-making real estate in dust and rubble. Sources familiar with her thinking on the matter confirmed these actions were in line with an idea she had to “let people suffer from the heat” instead of give her and the mansion money to swim in a pool or two. When asked about her motivation afterward, Remilia answered that people with privileges such as hers would be the only ones able to enjoy a pool after hers was destroyed. “What a pity,” she added, indicating a possible trace of regret.

At press time, the underprivileged residents of Gensokyo are scrambling to adjust their summer vacation plans to include trips to either the Misty Lake or back to the always-open hot springs.

(Follow KSN here for more on-the-go journalism!) (Picture taken by Arlmuffin)