Next Gen Journalism

Good day, everyone! This is Hatate Himekaidou of Kakashi Spirit News, bringing my intrepid journalism to the sphere of the internet! I promise to be as regular with my articles as I can and as relevant as possible!

[windsofjournalism]

"Yeah, there's, like, a reason I'm a shut-in?"

[windsofjournalism]

twinfoxtails replied to your post from a distance:

"Braiinssss..."

“Eri, like, please stop that?”

[windsofjournalism]

“Sigh... the things you hear on the wind...”

[windsofjournalism]

What do you mean? That's a great "stupid, inferior bootleg who probably eats worms" costume, Aya!

"Bunbunmaru's down the mountain and to the left, idiot."

[windsofjournalism]

“Bowl of candy for the trick-or-treaters... bowl of sake bottles for the inevitable rampaging humans of doom...”

“Okay, I’m ready now. But like, what costume should I go with?”

“...nah, that’d be, like, too on-the-nose?”

[kakashispiritnews]

How to Handle a Jiangshi and/or Their Bites

(Pictured above: Yoshika Miyako; picture taken by Kaigen 1025)

Halloween is known for many things. Spookiness, scariness, skeletons… Costumes and candy, most importantly. It is also ripe for many spooky-themed incidents, such as the occasional Jiangshi bite and zombie outbreak as has occurred recently. With that, KSN offers a list of Do’s and Don’ts for handling a Jiangshi and/or their bites should you succumb to one.

DO avoid the graveyard at night. It is predictably a Jiangshi’s favorite hangout spot.

DO AVOID THE GRAVEYARD AT NIGHT. IT IS PREDICTABLY A JIANGSHI’S FAVORITE HANGOUT SPOT.

DO leave the area immediately if you are spotted by one anywhere. Jiangshi are mercifully slow to pursue.

DON’T plug your nose when traveling through or past the areas they frequent. As awful as they smell, you will prefer their deathly scent to their deathly bite.

DON’T attempt to fight one that attacks you. They do not feel pain or fear death. Because they are dead. You are at an inherent disadvantage.

DON’T attempt to interview a Jiangshi to spice up your Halloween.

DON’T attempt to strike up a casual conversation with a Jiangshi period.

If you absolutely must talk to one, DO bring a medium-sized farm animal for them to devour first as a healthy distraction.

DON’T stay and listen to any haikus about “fake news” that a Jiangshi screams at you while you’re trying to ask it a simple question.

DON’T turn your back on a Jiangshi without running.

DO seek IMMEDIATE MEDICAL ATTENTION if you are bitten. Zombification is permanent if their bite kills you. *[1]

DON’T attempt to power through a bite by drinking half a dozen bottles of sake. Contrary to popular belief, alcohol does nothing to heal bites of any kind except for love bites.

DO put your belongings somewhere safe after being bitten so you don’t lose them during your most-likely-inevitable biting spree.

DON’T feel bad about causing a zombie outbreak after being bitten. It is never your fault because you cannot consent to anything while zombified.

DON’T try to hide from a Jiangshi by dressing up as one. They are a culture, not a costume. They know who the fakers are anyway.

DON’T confuse a Jiangshi for a regular run-of-the-mill zombie. That is their hobby and they will bite you for appropriating it.

DO play loud music around them if you have access to it. This is something Jiangshi avoid. *[2]

DO leave your umbrella at home. Jiangshi have an unexplained fascination with umbrellas.

DO wear clothing that covers most of your body. The harder it is for a Jiangshi to bite you, the better.

DON’T trust anything a Jiangshi expert says, even if they are telling the truth.

Be sure to keep this article handy for the next time you run into or expect to run into a Jiangshi. Stay safe this year, and have a happy Halloween!

*[1] They work for mostly-free at Eientei.

*[2] KSN has yet to verify if this actually works, but loud music is awesome anyway so you should still try it.

[windsofjournalism]

twinfoxtails​:

“H-Hey, there there. Just another day in Gensokyo, eh? Then again, we haven’t had days like these in a while, so it’s… refreshing, in a way.”

Yeah, better than the next yuri lesbian #643 around Gensokyo or something. Still, writing an article of Dos and Don’ts, huh?

“Uhh… I don’t want to tell you this, but… I think it’s a little bit too late for that. Lots of people in Gensokyo have already been bitten, and putting an article about that is… kind of a bit of a moot point…-”

It’s like writing a help guide of how to drive a ship, when said ship is already sinking to her-

“But hey, you’re the first victim, so why not write how it all started, or even a horror story column? That’ll definitely have a few eyes looking at it. Of course, you might want to talk to the incident solvers regarding this… which I have no idea who they are, can’t help you there.”

“I mean sure, lots of people have been bitten. But like, not everyone? This would still be timeless advice all-year-round? You don’t just avoid doing anything about since it, like, already happened? Besides, it could still happen again! Jiangshi are hungry bastards, they’ll bite you twice, guaranteed.”

“Besides, I totally guarantee you that the Bunbunmaru already has a few dime-a-dozen horror stories ready to go in their Halloween paper. I wanna offer something better. Something useful! Something my dearest readers can take home and hang on their wall for years to come! And everyone likes list articles anyway, so I still win in readership!~”

“...I think I could sneak my story into that anyway if I feel like it? I dunno, I might. I’ll see if I can make it work.” Another drink from her sake bottle. “Thanks again for the drinks by the way, I feel so much better already.”

[windsofjournalism]

twinfoxtails​:

“I… Huh. So that’s how it is.”

Wow, that sudden outburst made even the hell fairy surprised. But her reaction shows that she isn’t surprised at her story, no, but it does confirm her suspicions the moment Hatate spoke about her story. A few things off from her initial guess, but most of it is laid in place.

“Sounds like you’ve got a hell lot to write when this settles over, huh? I still suggest to get that bite treated in case of any lingering effects in your body, Hatate. You’re not as… ‘long-living’ as us fairies.“

Another bottle. Something tells her that she’d need it.

“I’d like to see how much you can drink, but all I’ll say right now is… right after you got bit, other people were bit too, notably, from what I heard from Eri, a bunch of humans, along with others such as Reisen, Komachi, Reimu, among others. I’d help, but all this is so amusing to watch from the sides.“

IT’S THE KIND OF THING SHE LOVES. Finally, SOMETHING.

“… Which reminds me, Eri also said he found a set of peculiar feathers with a very familiar scent which he can’t pin down. I think you know what that means?”

“...so that happened.” Hatate is skipping the dish and drinking straight from the bottle. She wipes her face clean afterward, setting the bottle aside and sighing as she leans her head on a palm.

“That only makes sense,” she admitted, sighing again. “They’re more like vampires, these Jiangshi. One bite from them and you find yourself hopping about and biting others. And indiscriminately, too!” She shakes her head at herself, thinking about the big names she apparently bit after that night with Yoshika. Not the brightest among Jiangshi converts.

“Can you blame me, though? For all the bites, I mean. Obviously I’m smacking myself for trying to interview a fucking corpse in the first place, but all the stuff afterward? I didn’t choose that. The bite made me do it -- literally!”

“...anyway, so like, I totally have plenty of info to, like, write an article? Maybe I’ll just make it, like, a list of Do’s and Don’t’s or something? Yeah, that should be fine for this year. And there are plenty who, like, could use these tips anyway?”

[windsofjournalism]

twinfoxtails​:

Yup, mild sake for Hatate, who’s a bird. Too potent, and she could be poisoned. Sitting on the other side of the counter, Crescent gave another bottle to her. She’s one thirsty bird, ain’t she?

“Yeah, I get you. In other words, you’re pretty much one of the earliest people who got bit, and was out for it for a while. I get you.”

A small pause, before it felt like something struck the back of her head. A really long pause, before…

“… Hmm. I see.”

So that’s how it is.

“Well, I’m sure you’ll find your culprit, Hatate. By the way, if you’re bitten, you might want to go to Eientei to get that checked. Maybe you’ll figure out where you’ve been bitten from there.”

“Wait, hang on. ‘Bit’? You can’t be say--”

...

Hatate rubs the back of her neck again, blinking. A lightbulb appears over her head that only Crescent can see. Literally only Crescent. It disappears once Hatate starts talking again.

“Geez, I’m an idiot!”

“I remember now!” Her valley girl speak has exited the building. “I was brainstorming article ideas for the Halloween edition of my paper when I got the thought to do an interview/exposé with the one girl who’s always a Jiangshi year ‘round! I figured it appropriate of course because zombie, spooky, scary, skeleton, blah blah blah. So I went down to the graveyard where she’s always hanging out and I saw her playing with her umbrella friend, then I waited until umbrella girl left to do whatever so I could have a one-on-one chat with her as you’re supposed to do as an honest and honorable journalist. I even had questions lined up to ask her, too! ‘How long have you been a zombie?’, ‘How do you keep your hunger in check?’, ‘Have you stopped gnawing on Kogasa?’, things like that. Anyway I hopped up to her and introduced myself like we’d never met before because of course we hadn’t I don’t spend all day hanging out with zombies, but then she screams out some elaborate haiku about fake news like I write for the Bunbunmaru (VERY insulting!) then just bites my neck out of nowhere and leaves! Just like that!”

“I would have chased after her but of course I had a bite to nurse, which I did by heading home and chugging three bottles of my spider sake as I usually do. But apparently that didn’t work because my latest memory before waking up a day or two ago is me passing out on my balcony. That HAD to have been from the bite, I NEVER black out from drinking my spider sake!”

“...what the hell did I DO these past few days?!”

[windsofjournalism]

twinfoxtails​:

“You jog your memory by being drunk? Mistaking hallucinations for facts there, are we? But Spider Sake… you know there isn’t anything like that, right? I’ll see what I can find for you, come on in. ”

And off Crescent goes, going inside the cafe. Don’t mind the number of zombie fairies inside doing… zombie fairy things.

“Still, no leads, huh? Feels like a cold case at this point. I wonder what’s the whole motive at this points, besides, in Seiga’s words, ‘shits and giggles’. Eri told me that the patients are half zombified and not full zombies, but it’s still a giant medical condition.”

Pouring a mild sake on the glass along giving the entire bottle, a small idea came on her head.

“Hatate. Answer me this. Where were you at October 25th, or before that? Anything would do, tell me.“

“...ah, right. I homebrew that stuff myself. Whatever, just get me something you think’ll hit the spot for a Tengu.” Hatate follows her inside, a little wary around the zombie fairies but otherwise well-composed.

“But like, I must’ve been out of it, for like, a LONG time? I don’t know a thing about all these, like zombies popping out of of the woodwork you keep talking about! The fact that you keep mentioning it though... it seems really familiar, but at the same time, like, not in the slightest? Does that make sense?”

“Anyway, let me down this and see if I can remember.” She grabs the sake dish and chugs everything in it in one go. While doing so, Crescent might see a subtle bite mark on the back of her neck. “I had to have been somewhere...” she muses, putting the dish down and pouring herself some more.

[windsofjournalism]

twinfoxtails​:

“I may or may not have took a look at it, Miss Hatate Himekaidou. Not that there’s anything incriminating, is there?~”

Wink wink, NUDGE NUDGE.

“That said, it was around Eri’s cafe, on the grass. I thought it was Eri impersonating you at first, but he’s not the kind to leave things like that behind. Really, did you get in a fight around here, or did you accidentally drop your phone? You’re fortunate nothing's damaged, you know how fragile tech like these can be. So… your turn. Any leads about this whole zombie outbreak thing?”

“Why would there be, news is like, never incriminating on the one writing it? Unless it’s Aya in which case it’s always fake.”

“...just sitting around in the grass, though? But like, I always like have such a tight grip on it?” Hatate scrolls through the notes on her phone, trying to refresh her memory with some of the potential article titles. She goes back to the most recent one she had planned for the KSN Halloween Edition.

“Dammit, if I remembered anything over the past week, that would be nice for both of us!” She holds the back of her neck for a moment before leaning against the wall.

“You’re not closed, are you? I need a drink. Spider sake. Whole bottle. That usually, like, helps jog my memory?”

[windsofjournalism]

@twinfoxtails​ (Continued from HERE)

“EEP!”

“...”

“Can you, like, not scare me like that? I mean, like, I know it’s, like, Halloween? But at least w--”

She swipes the phone out of Crescent’s hands the exact moment she sees it.

“First of all where’d you find this second of all thank you for finding it third of all you better not have looked through it or I’ll smack you fourth of all thank you for finding it fifth of all--”

“Seriously where’d you find it”

[windsofjournalism]

“...I don’t even remember where I was last time I had it.”

“...but who do I even, like, ASK?”

[windsofjournalism]

“Also where the hell’s my phone!?”

[windsofjournalism]

“Ughh... why do I, like, feel so groggy...?” She’s holding the back of her neck.

[kakashispiritnews]

Valentine’s Day in Gensokyo: Stories, Tips, and Love

(Picture taken by Kanpa (Campagne 9))

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner (Only a week away!), and Kakashi Spirit News has done its due diligence in getting all the information you could ever need for the holiday! Thanks to an anonymous source familiar with Gensokyo’s average feelings on the matter, KSN can proudly deliver plans shared by its denizens along with helpful tips on how to spend the day with that special someone you have been longing to at the very least hang out with!

Keep reading

[windsofjournalism]

"Here Hatate-san. Since I've been noticing you've been working hard on your paper. I might as well be nice and give you something to help you focus," Aya hands over a can of coffee. It's a bit of a strong brand, but the flavor is vanilla.

“This is perfect actually, thanks Aya!”