clearing my mind

daily thoughts

[kakkedsmurff]

accepting that I destroyed this and now have to let go and move on, is the hardest thing I’ve had to do in years

[kakkked]

today. well, today, almost exactly a year later, I learned that while I may have done some things that hurt you, and I sincerely apologize for that, you sir.. you fucked her, while still with me. and for that, I refuse to accept that I am the sole reason we were destroyed. And I hope you’re happy, but I pray that I never, ever, see you or hear from you ever again. because I almost died over us. and to find out you were fucking her, you have no idea how crushed I was. I am. You hurt me. And I can’t promise I wouldn’t do the same if ever given the chance. So again I pray, that I never see or hear from you. Ever again in my life.

[kakkedsmurff]

every day realizing that the reality of my past, effects who I am today. i was so caught up on finding my next fix that being sober for a couple hours now, physically makes my body hurt and all I can do is cry...

[kakkedsmurff]

i feel so alone it hurts....

[kakkedsmurff]

i remember how bad it hurt. I remember not wanting to do anything but find my next fix, didn’t matter if it was the drugs or you, both were toxic. I would have, and almost did, killed myself if it meant that I got even an ounce of your love. I was destroying myself for you.

it’s been almost a year. I have a new boyfriend now. I don’t get blackout drunk and crave the touch of your arms around me anymore. I don’t swim to the end of the bottle or smell the snow until my nose bleeds anymore. hell, I don’t even swallow down cigarettes like it’s my life support anymore...

but on days like this, when I’m so high off that sticky green flower I can barely move, I remember. I remember how good it felt. I remember when getting high with you was the best part of my day. I remember when you would FaceTime me when I lived out of state, just to check in. I remember everything that was good between us.

as I sit here, happy in my new place in this world, I still break at the thought of you, our memories. everywhere I go in this broken down city I got memories that I’m trying to run from. How am I supposed to heal around everything that broke me?

I don’t know how to fix myself. Twenty-three years of therapy and I’m just more and more lost with every diagnosis and explanation I’m given. How am I supposed to trust myself, let alone anyone else, when everything in my head is wrong... I’m so far gone, I can’t be saved.. so do I fake it, or do I end it?

[kakkedsmurff]

I hate this. This continuously questioning what I should believe and what I should discard. Constantly wondering what I should let go of, and what I should hold on to because I can’t tell what’s real. I need answers. I need to know what’s true and what’s not. I’m so hurt and I don’t know how to stop.

[kakkedsmurff]

it’s like shouting into an empty void

[kakkedsmurff]

im not okay at all, but no ones even checking.

[kakkedsmurff]

accepting that I destroyed this and now have to let go and move on, is the hardest thing I’ve had to do in years

[kakkedsmurff]

what hurts the most is I deserve all the pain that comes my way.

[kakkedsmurff]

i destroy myself because maybe one day someone will see the amount of pain I carry on the inside

[kakkedsmurff]

lost. I’m just so fucking lost.

[kakkedsmurff]

Ive been out of inpatient for 24 hours and I already know I’m going to relapse. How tragic.

[kakkedsmurff]

you calm every part of my being and the thought of that terrifies me when you aren’t around.

[kakkedsmurff]

ive drank until i forgot. ive smoked til i couldn’t move. ive done enough bumps to make my nose bleed again. ive fucked til i was numb. and yet i still can’t get over you.

[kakkedsmurff]

all I ever want to do anymore is cry.. or drink.. but then when im drunk i still want to cry so what am i really doing for myself

[kakkedsmurff]

“you’re my druggy, hug me when im ugly” i remember i used to pull up to the college parking lot blasting that song and it used to remind me of you. now, it’s him.. and it scares me how bad I want to try with him because maybe, just maybe, ill find a happier version of our love.

[kakkedsmurff]

this isn’t how any of this was supposed to go. 2018 was supposed to be so much better than this. a year ago today everything was okay. i was happy.. but tonight? well tonight i wanna die. i don’t know if im ready for 2019.