Lesbihonest: Life in and out of the Closet

she/her, cis, anonymous, butch lesbian, Capricorn, 23. Content made by an adult for adults. Viewer discretion is advised. LGBT Safespace! If you need a friend to talk to, don't hesitate to message me.

[kaleidoscopeofrainbows]

Fuck terfs

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Shane Dawson? More like Shame Possum, ammiright?

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Why don’t I just kill myself?

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I’m addicted to women

I keep adding and adding from dating apps to my snapchat, woman after woman... Why? Why so many? What validation am I searching for from it.  I love girls but this? This is ridiculous.  I’m clearly lonely and wanting to prove that I can love again.  I want to have friends again.  It’s like a way to move on from my past.  Find new people, find a new life.  But 40 girls? Isn’t that excessive.  How do you keep track of that many conversations? I don’t.  

I’m just the same old validation seeking woman with emotional problems.  If I spread my emotional net wide enough, then I can complain about my problems without hurting anybody.  But I do.  I hurt so many people.  I’m sure they won’t care if they know how many friends i’ve added. or maybe they’ll be jealous.  I don’t know.

What am I looking for? I have friends.  I know people who know me so deeply.  Maybe I only like the beginning of friendships when it’s easy and there’s no expectations or commitment.  But why? I always drooled over the thought of having a serious relationship.  Why do I run from it now? Does it seem so impossible? So out of reach that I won’t propel myself forward with the momentum of my determination? Why can’t I stop saying “I can’t do that because of what my parents think.”

Is it that I really care how they’ll react?  Is it an excuse for me to be malignant and complacent to my mundane life? I want so much more.  Why do I keep myself from doing big things? Am I that afraid to fall?

Why do I need a person to tell me “wow that must suck” to all my problems? What does sympathy for non-issues solve.  I say what I need all the time, what I need to do.  But then I push it away as though it were a passing idea. It’s like...

I want my hair cut.  By me. Why? because I liked having an undercut, I want to learn to maintain short hair longer, I can’t have my hair cut by another professional right now, and I need to save money.  All perfectly acceptable reasons.  Why don’t I order the clippers? Because I’ll “regret it”? Are you kidding? Because my parents like my hair longer? Who cares? they are two people and their opinion of your appearance doesn’t matter.

Why do I hear Jordyn’s voice in my head.  She’s told me this all before.  Why can’t I listen.  Why can’t I motivate myself past other’s criticisms from me.  Why does criticism smoother me from speaking? Do I really think other’s won’t care? 

[kaleidoscopeofrainbows]

Who am I

Something changed once I left art school.  I’m just not who I thought I was anymore.  I thought that I was an artist.  Art was my escape, it felt great.  Now I pick up a pen and I feel the tension from when I wanted it to end.  Art isn’t comfortable any more.  Perhaps that’s the point.  Maybe I need a break from it or maybe I should plunge in full force.  I don’t enjoy seeing what my friends post of their art.  It makes me frustrated.  Frustrated with myself because I’m not there keeping up, frustrated because the school has made it so hard for my friends to keep up.

On my time home from work I just sleep or play that stupid merge dragon game.   I keep insulting my need to play pointless games but everyone indulges in pointless activities at times.  Maybe I shouldn’t be so ashamed that I enjoy an app advertised to me just because it’s mostly played by adolescents.

I’m okay with quarantine now that I have a job.  I love going to work and coming back tired and feeling accomplished.  I just want my coworkers to know that I’m sorry for getting so stressed out sometimes and that when I do, I’m not about to give up on my job.  It’s just the feeling I have to put up with until I can prove to my own self that I am capable of complicated tasks.  I hate getting frustrated, I don’t want my coworkers to think I’m mad at them.  I am so not mad at them.  I’m frustrated with myself maybe because I still set my expectations too high.  I might be frustrated because I just don’t feel like I can communicate sometimes.  And my anxiety still just exists.  And I haven’t had to feel it this much in a hot minute so I have to get used to it again.  

My co workers are so patient and I would literally die for any of them.  These are personalities I’m sure I have seen before. One shift reminds me of my mentor from college, another reminds me of one of my professors.

I feel bad for the guy training with me.  I know I have acted this way towards a few in the past.  There’s no reason for it but I just don’t mesh well with certain people.  Like I just feel annoyed.  I don’t understand.  It’s not like he did anything wrong.  Maybe it’s that I feel competitive.  Maybe it’s because I don’t consider him to be on my intellectual level.  But that’s unfair of me.  Maybe I’m jealous of how openly himself he is.  That he has really crappy looking tattoos he got at the mall but he wears them with so much confidence anyway.  That he doesn’t even try to hide the fact that he’s gay.  And I’m only ever that flamboyant around a very specific set of people.  Maybe I’m jealous that he is so optimistic.  I’m such a realist and optimism annoys me so much. I used to be optimistic.  I think I did at least.  But what ever sort of innocence he has managed to preserve, I lit up in a dumpster fire.

I want to be so happy that it’s contagious but I can’t.  Why? Because it’s not real.  Everything I have made myself is built on logic and reason.  When I’m optimistic it’s because there is reason to be.  Some find optimism despite there being no reason for it.  I can’t let someone treat me like dirt and shrug it off.  Sure, I fake that I’m fine while I hand off their coffee but...I hold grudges.  sometimes just for a minute, sometimes a lifetime.  Regardless, I can’t genuinely be happy despite tragedy or inconvenience.

moving on, I know the one thing I want out of life: I want a family.  I can’t explain but that’s why I get so fixated on being in a relationship.  I want to be good for someone.  I have always wanted to find that one perfect person to share my life with. But not just have someone be my home-base, I want to be able to have a home.  I want to build a place of love for...someone.  Whether it’s abandoned cats or dogs or a safespace for people to get back on their feet or if I have a kid...That’s what I see in the future as the person I want to be.  A care giver.  I want to be this fountain of knowledge and genuine kindness.  I want people to come to me when they need someone.

I guess I want to be the best parts of the best people I have met in life.  Every person who listened to me and made me feel okay to speak my mind, every mentor offering advice, every friend who helped me to plan a project or a revelation of somesort. I want to be like that.

But maybe I just sound like I crave validation.  That’s what happens when I jump in too quick without thinking it through: “why do you need this?”  I don’t need someone to support me emotionally like a counselor. That’s what my therapist is for.  I want to be with someone I actually enjoy being with who I find beautiful and who encourages me to be a better me, whom I want to push to be the best version of themselves. Not that I want to change for someone or make them feel the need to change an aspect of themselves

It’s like how  some approach makeup.  Imo makeup should simply enhance beauty that is already there.  That’s the type of relationship I need.  but I need to mentally be in a place to accept criticism so I can move towards being that better person.

I feel like, once I know myself better and I know how to care for my needs, what I’m looking for in life, what my realistic expectations of myself are, once I have some solid goals, that’s when I will be ready to accept a more serious relationship.  If I do anything right now, it better be casual.  I’m not sure if I even know how to keep myself from getting too involved. which is why I predominently am looking for friends.k

Anyway.  I hope I can find  new routine...a new kind of normal.   

[canisitsnotlupus]

I think this is super important to remember.

[scoutsmoocrew]

I got my puppo from a “kill” shelter. She’s a good dog and only cost $20 and a contract saying we’d spay her.

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Things peta would never want you to know

[floretsilva]

I’m so angry

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I haven’t seen a David Tennent Doctor Who meme since 2013 jfc

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Yeah whats app me [phone] let chat there lots here

Beginning to sound sketchy...?

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Wat about your kitty cat between your legs how it doing

It’s pretty lonely tbh. Know any cute girls I can hit up to pet it for me?

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I voted for Bernie in the primaries today. I just think Biden is a buffoon and Bernie is the only candidate with enough power to swing Super Tuesday besides old Joe.

Really hope Bernie wins but I ain’t holding my breath. I just want someone to reform healthcare and I don’t see trump doing anything

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Me: minding my own business

Some crackhead on Snap chat:

Me:

[sarahepburnspam]

Do you ever just want to lay on the couch with a girl holding her loosely to your waist, her head on your chest. You can smell her clean hair. You hear the white noise of a tv muttering at a low volume and your cats mozying about. And you just feel warm. There’s a faint smell of popcorn. You breathe in and despite everything around you that causes stress and discomfort in your daily life, when you breathe out, all of anxiety is temporarily gone. You feel loved and you love.

That’s what I want

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yall should follow my spam tbh

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I miss having friends more than I miss having a girlfriend. There’s so much emotional baggage and vulnerability with being in an actual relationship. I’ve never been into hookup culture but sometimes I wish I didn’t create such an emotional bond with the people I physically connect with, if you know what I’m getting at.

But I miss just having a friend I can be close with without any suspicions from others about what we do on weekends. Friends that let you hug them and hold their hands but I have zero lust for them.

I always abuse friendships though. Friends over time let you know it’s okay to talk about what’s bothering you but you have to be careful how often and how much you decide to share. I end up using people like a therapist, depending on others to fix my problems or validate my unhealthy or selfish feelings.

I still miss having friends though and I beg the sky that I learn from my mistakes and never open up too much too often to the wrong person again

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The college I used to go to is completely shutting down and it makes me anxious on my friends’ behalf.

Anxiety feels so bad right now and I’m constantly thinking of ways to cut again. I guess it’s a way to relieve anxiety. Idk I know shouldn’t but I want it so much and I feel so bad. I’m lonely and angry and horny. I wish someone would throw me against a wall. I wish I had a dick that someone would grab so hard I would cry and i simultaneously wish someone would penetrate me so hard I would groan. I want to throw something or punch something and I want to slam my head into a wall so hard.

I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to suffer or be alone.

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I’m lonely

[zukosgay]

no internet interaction will ever again reach the high of chaos of the “does germany still exist?” officialgermangovernment: “Yes” “thanks” 

[zukosgay]

this shit absolutely sends me

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WTF is Gender

So if you saw my other post about questioning my gender, this is a follow up to that.  I’ve determined that since I don’t really have dysphoria and I’m comfortable with my body as a woman, I’m just a butch who wants to pack which I hear is kind of normal.  I’m probably not going to for a while because my family isn’t that accepting (I assume).

I had a dream last night though that I wanted to mention.  It was about me being back at college which happens quite frequently but in this dream, the theme wasn’t cutting or feeling stressed but more figuring out my identity.  My bestest friend Josh who’s basically like a brother to me gave me a packer in the dream which was really strange because in the dream it was something someone had given to him which is weird because he’s a cis gay guy.  Why would he need it? but anyway, the entire dream I just wore the packer and it just felt normal and nice and it wasn’t really distinctly brought up again, it was just something I was aware of in my head except for some reason my family visited my dorm in the dream and I was worried so I threw the thing in a drawer.

Anyway, it just kind of reminded me that it is something I kind of want at least to wear to bed or when I’m home and maybe if I gained more confidence in public at my leisure but...it’s going to be a while so I might as well forget about it.

Being butch is hard.  It’s confusing and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it so I just feel like a weirdo. I don’t know why I’m thinking so much about it now. It’s not like I can do anything about it or that doing something about it would help.  It wouldn’t make me more confident atm Like confidence is something you develop on your own so idek why that’s not my mind’s focus.  Maybe it’s easier to think about this than how to let go of my demons