closed. sorry.

WELCOME TO MY BLOG. CAUTION!! sometimes NSFW! (tagged as #nsfw) paypal & contact: [email protected] HERO OF TIME

[kalfyr]

sorry everyone

[mellandwen-archive]

When you have those people you want to interact with non-stop but you feel like you bug the shit out of them.

[michisilver]

ME!

[kalfyr]

Here is the truth.

I'm nearly 7 thousand dollars in debt. This is partly because I was not making enough money to support myself financially, and partly because I've made a lot of colossally idiotic decisions. I have spent money on some of the most frivolous shit and I will own up to it. In the summer of last year, my s.o. of almost 7 years broke up with me with the reasons that I owed him money (money that I paid back) that he couldn't "deal with my anxiety and depression" (all I could ever want was support or understanding) and that we " couldn't agree on the same conversation topics" and that he'd been feeling this way for years. He'd asked me to live with him at the end of 2015, so it was devastating to know I'd packed my life up only to be tossed away. I don't know if these are true reasons or not but I feel like I never got the closure I deserved. I found out he'd become friends again with a person who had conned us out of money and friendship, someone who had openly admitted to having a crush on him *while I was still dating him*. I am unhealthy. I can't afford dental insurance and I have at least 3 abscesses, and almost all of my teeth are probably beyond repair. I've been living with these abscesses for many many months and it will come back to bite me in the ass. I am overweight and I barely do anything about it, despite constantly telling myself and knowing I need to. I don't actually know if I have health insurance, I haven't checked my account since last summer when I was told it was terminated by a pharmacy, but was still getting billed. I don't know if I owe money or not. I think my cat is sick, because she cannot jump up on things properly very recently and I'm scared to find out what it is. I don't even know if I will be able to pay a vet bill if I had to take her. I've pushed away some of the most important people in my life through my own cowardice and stupidity, and I would not blame them at all if they wanted to stay the fuck away from me. I honestly feel like I am not good for anyone because I consistently do and say things that are just not good. I just want them to know how sorry I am and maybe it's not some big thing but it feels like it to me. I've started so many apologies but it just never felt like enough. I hate that I'm scared of what they'll say. I want them to know how sorry I am. I'm just so sorry. I woke up at 3:30 this morning because of a dream and a loud crash from my cat falling and went to ask for someone to talk to in a chat and fucked up. I'm so lonely that I said some things that were out of line and will probably mess up any chance I had at reconciling with some of the most important people I've had in my life. My parents don't even know anything about my money or just exactly how bad my depression is. They don't know how often I think of just ending it and I will probably never tell them because the last time I told them I had depression they brushed it off and got mad that I would even think I had it bad. They are constantly telling me to get a better job and to go back to school and I know they honestly think they mean well but I hate and resent them so much sometimes. I'm not looking for any response to this. I needed to get this out because it's killing me to keep it in. I want to get better but I also don't. I just want to stop hurting all the time. I don't care how it happens.

[userboxed]

[kalfyr]

i just wish i could talk to someone 

[kalfyr]

So I don't post much on here anymore, because my life is pretty much a mess right now, but I need to ask for help. My gram was admitted to the hospital and needs to get a pacemaker placed. They're moving her right now to get temp pacemakers on because her heart keeps stopping. I'm really scared and I just want to know if anyone can offer up prayers or anything. She's been there for me so much and I'm not ready for her to go if anything happens. Please pray for her, her name is Emily. Thank you.

[catsofinstagram]

From @myfosterkittens: “Have you ever seen a blind cat play fetch? Now you have! Meet Wally! He’s my foster kitty who was found living in a tree next to a busy road. He was born blind and suffering from a severe infection. He’s now healthy and happy and was recently adopted!” #catsofinstagram [source: http://ift.tt/2iJQ0J6 ]

[butchjonathan]

[kalfyr]

i kind of wish i could just rewind the last 7 years of my life

[kalfyr]

i need like $300 in the next couple of days and i dont know how im going to do it

does anyone want to buy some art or pokemon/magic cards hell ill sell shit off my flight rising account if it means i wont be out on the street 

i cant even afford to buy myself food at the moment

[kalfyr]

god fuck I just got charged $220 in late fees I can’t pay it and my fucking mother 

please please if you can afford to get a commission or anything please help me I don’t know what to do I’m trying so fucking hard to get back on my feet but it’s all crumbling under me and I don’t know what to do anymore I dont want to be homeless and I don’t want to have to give my pet up because I can’t afford to feed her

[noire-pandora]

I am that type of douchebag friend who doesn’t talk with you for weeks but still cares about you and hopes you still care too.

[kalfyr]

i need like $300 in the next couple of days and i dont know how im going to do it

does anyone want to buy some art or pokemon/magic cards hell ill sell shit off my flight rising account if it means i wont be out on the street 

i cant even afford to buy myself food at the moment

[kalfyr]

my life is falling apart

i kind of just want to die

[gunnslaughter]

That Lynel was coming straight for my beautiful Hylian ass and I ended up throwing myself off a cliff to preserve my dignity.

[kalfyr]

I really feel like I fucked up. I’ve been pretty much a ghost recently and I think I’ve lost some of my closest friends because im too much of a coward to ask if they’re still my friends i havent spoken to them pretty much since my breakup with my ex 

i just feel like i failed them and im too scared to talk to them now

i dont want to bother them with me because im constantly having problems in my life and my ways of coping or trying to fix it are unhealthy or just dont work and i dont want to burden people with my issues anymore

i dont want to make them feel like im just trying to get attention or something

i love my friends so fucking much but i just feel like im constantly an annoyance to them or i said or did something that makes them want to just stop talking to me

im like considering leaving all my discord groups and honestly deleting this tumblr and everything because i feel like people would be better off without me

[friendhub]

me: *accidentally isolates myself from my friends and disconnects from online communities*

me: whered all my besties go

[kalfyr]

u've been inactive so long its nice to see u posting stuff again :0

Its unfortunately a thing that probably won’t be happening often.  I’m dealing with a lot of financial and personal issues currently and I’m sure people are tired of hearing about it, and i dont feel good about asking for any sort of donations, so I figure it’s best to just disappear for now. I apologize to anyone that follows this blog for my inactivity, but I have so much to deal with that I don’t want to be a bother to anyone anymore.  I miss my friends terribly but they’ve been hearing about my problems one after another and I’m sure they’re pretty sick of it, so I haven’t really been very active anywhere.

If it really is important to know, I’m trapped back at my parents house because of my financial instability after I had a breakup from a longtime relationship (this is not the full cause of my financial/personal issues, but it is part of it). I was living with my significant other before and I couldn’t afford to live alone, so I had to move back. I’m dealing with several longstanding bills as well as constant judgement and pressure from my parents, so I’m pretty constantly stressed. I do have a job, so that’s something, I guess. I’m currently looking for a new apartment within my budget (see also: not a whole lot) so until I’m back on my feet this blog is going to be very quiet, if not longer.

I feel like I lost a lot of friendships this last year and I just am having a hard time finding the heart to care about tumblr or FFXIV or anything. So yeah.

Sorry for the word vomit

if anyone really really needs to contact me send me a pm for my discord I guess

[kent-parsons-cowlick]

if you want maybe lardo with some ducklings?

same, Lards

(come prompt me!)