詩

hi. i write sometimes. main blog: @kayceedillaaa

[kameachaeli]

happy mother’s day

no matter how great our disparities,

no matter how intense our similarities,

no matter how much we ebb and flow,

we will only continue to grow

together in the years to come,

because i know that we are one,

with the same heart and the same mind;

our lives are forever intertwined.

not only by blood, but also by bond,

and i'm forever grateful you are my mom.

[kameachaeli]

hbd katrina

Alright, Katrina, so you're 18.

I'm hoping this verse gon' be clean.

So many memories have been made.

While we joked around, laughed, and played.

We got ourselves down on lock.

So good, you gotta say, "goody gumdrops."

Let's take this up from 0-100

You've made the laughs in my life so abundant.

You may giggle like crazy,

And some days you may seem lazy,

But I'm telling you what I know is true.

Nobody in my life could replace you.

You've grown up so much since 2006.

When we first met, and formed our OG clique.

There's so many sites to see

Down over in Austin at UT,

But there's one thing that escapes me.

And that is your immense beauty.

Happy 18th birthday Katrina,

I love you so much.

Now here's to many more years.

Hope life comes through in clutch.

[kameachaeli]

goodbye

you try and tell me it’s my own choice

that i can ignore whatever voice

disrupts my thoughts and makes me feel

like there’s too much of me that needs to heal

how can i make you see

this pain inside of me

it’s not your fault; it’s not your issue

don’t try and make this about you

you try and tell me that you’ll be here

listening to me and all my fears

but you turn around and shut me out

because my words fill you with doubt

what do you really want me to do?

‘cause everything you misconstrue

no matter what i try to say

you just decide to push it away

it’s my own problem

it’s my own mistakes

it’s my own journey

don’t do it for me

i’m not a problem

i’m not a mistake

don’t try to solve me

you cannot fix me

can you please just listen to my cries

and instead of trying to advise

understand you have no control

over my body, mind, and my soul

how can i make you see

that all i really need

is for you to listen; for you to realize

that you are enough in my eyes

[kameachaeli]

for them

the croon of their soft words help to clear out this blurred and aching vision of mine worn away by the cruelty of time

perhaps i have grown used to this and i cannot help but reminisce to younger days where innocence was high and i never had to question why

why they look at me with such kind eyes no matter how harsh my cries why they offer me a sweet smile even when i feel so vile

why they give me words of advice without naming their price why they take the time to look at me even when i am so unsightly

am i using them for my own gain am i dragging them down with my chains these aren’t their issues to solve but they still choose to stay involved

i wish they would not look at me in this way i wish they would not choose to stay because i am not worth the endeavor not then, not now, and not ever

but

there is a fire in my heart that always seems to start whenever i look upon their faces or when their voices offer some graces

because how have i been so blessed to have such gems in this meaningless life that i call my own these people are my cornerstone

with the way they convey themselves so honestly i can’t help but to want to try and believe in their actions, in their words, and in them and simply choose not to condemn

their efforts and their kindness because they have expressed with such blatant tones all that they want to have shown

and what they wish to convey is that they want me to stay even if i may be blinded to this reality i tell myself that i can continue on, maybe

because i owe them so much for their concern, their care, and such i have a debt to pay so i will try my best to find my way

to give them what they ought to receive and i cannot do that if i were to leave i wish to give them unconditional love because that is what they are deserving of

but first i have to look deep within to combat the demons crawling in my skin so that they will no longer have to worry about me and my capabilities

“love yourself so that you may better love others” is not something that i have heard from another but rather a resolve i decided long ago now is the time to put in effort to grow

[kameachaeli]

failure

i’ve never failed before. always on top of my work, ahead of my classes. tutored other students, and always did my best. “A’s and B’s because I tried.” and boy, did i try.

see, i’ve never failed before.

 when i woke up in the hospital bed, that was when i first tasted failure.

failure tasted of thirty painkillers. failure tasted of a nauseating cocktail of sink water and day-old French vanilla coffee. failure tasted of stomach acid coating my throat. failure tasted of desperation.

failure tasted vile.

and i told myself that i would never fail again.

but life had another plan for me.

months later, failure came in late work. failure came in hours upon hours of studying with no results. failure came in test scores that were so desperately close, but never enough. failure came in lack of motivation. failure came in; sleep went out. failure came in the words of “academic probation”.

soon enough, nothing was within my reach. there was no finish line. there was no “better tomorrow”. there was no pot of gold waiting for me at the end of the rainbow. there was no rainbow.

every night, i curled myself up, bringing my knees to my chest my body contorting into the curve of a question mark, my entire existence summed up with: “do i even deserve to be here?” let me tell you that i still do not know the answer to that

but i decided to stop asking and decided to start doing


and so, one semester of being on academic probation my university career nearly ending as soon as it started but i had another plan

hope came in ridding myself of pride and getting out of pre-med hope came in taking a six-hour course language that i fell in love with hope came in giving people here a chance to see my brokenness hope came in knowing that the only standards that i was struggling to meet were my own hope came in; insecurities went out. hope came in the email with the subject line of: “Dean’s Honor List"

but do not get me wrong.

i am not a success story, but believe me when i tell you that i’m a real page-turner

and so now, i allow my limbs to unfurl from its defensive position i bring my arms down, with fists clenched at my side i will look you straight in the eyes because i am a question mark no more, but an exclamation point here to proclaim that i am alive; i am here; and that is enough.

[kameachaeli]

letter to friends series: claire

you wonder whether

she knows that the

meaning of her name

reflects the essence

of her heart and her soul

because no matter how she

may think that she is shrouded

by clouds burdened with

a heaviness unlike any other

she still radiates brighter

and brighter each day

you watch her grow into herself

a fondness tugs at the corner

of your lips as you return her grin

you wonder if she’ll ever know

how lovely she truly is

even at this current moment

you only hope that she will

allow you to stay by her side

as you watch her grow

further and further

into the beautiful being

that she is destined to be

[kameachaeli]

letter to friends series: caroline

she is as sweet as her smile

something that you can’t get enough of

her joy is infectious

she spreads it without hesitation

even when her eyes are downcast

she lifts her head up high

and faces against all adversities

you cannot help but be amazed

at how this sweet, sweet girl

has a warrior exterior

combating against whatever

may come her way

because nothing will ever be able

to separate her from her dreams

she will take down any hindrances

with her wit and her strength

she will draw her sword

its deadly, gleaming tip

right against the throat

of whatever obstructs her

and she will smile

her sweet, sweet smile

as she conquers the world

[kameachaeli]

career fair

today's your expo, 's a lotta stress, but you just gotta go and do your best.

i believe in you i'm sure it'll all be fine just do what you gotta do and try to enjoy your time

your future, your career a lot is on your plate probably got a lotta fear deciding your entire fate

it's okay to be afraid it's okay to worry but don't go astray don't try to hurry

there's always another day another month, another year to be able to find your way through this crazy atmosphere

well, this was a dumb little poem but i enjoyed composing it it took only a few moments hopefully it's not totally shit

now, lean back and stand tall show something worth praising and of course, good luck with it all you'll definitely do amazing

[kameachaeli]

behold His face

are we chasing success or are we running from failure are we doing the best we can to be with Him for the rest of forever

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the call for us to beatified

lemme reiterate so that you may understand this situat- shun the world because they'll try to silence you first but we'll make them thirst because we are the salt of the earth and we will show them our worth because we are so-DIUM fine at taking our time to emphasize how our lives are at their prime because of Christ

so let us Adore Christ and behold His face and make disciples of all nat- -tions and let us be mirrors to others and reflect the face of our Father

[kameachaeli]

letter to friends series: andy

emotions never quite reach his eyes

he smiles but you can’t help but wonder

how legitimate it actually is

his voice reflects the life of his soul

(of which he has none)

but you know that he means well

like a cat whose claws are too sharp

his tail frazzled in response

he is unapologetically himself

unaware of social cues

or rather choosing

to ignore them entirely

he says whatever is on his mind

which others may be envious of

because it is so rare

to be able to say what you want to say

without expecting some kind of recoil

but he throws caution out the window

there is no doubt that he cares

for those he deems worthy

and just like a stray alley cat

he will stay loyal towards them

even if he may refuse to show it

[kameachaeli]

letter to alyssa

Alyssa S. M., 

oh how I miss you incredibly. It's funny how we came into each other's lives at such a late period, and yet, it was perfectly timed. Thank you for everything that you've done for me and all the blessings you have bestowed upon me just by being in my presence. You radiate all things good and wonderful. Even when the world is shrouded in ugliness, you are still hopeful for a beautiful tomorrow.

Thank you for your testimonies, thank you for your honesty, and thank you for your raw passion and emotions. The world needs more of it. Apathy is killing humanity, but you are a fighter in that war. I know we don't speak as often, and I understand since we're miles apart with busy schedules, but do know that I think of you constantly and that I pray for you and your heart and your contentment and your happiness.

You are truly a ray of sunshine in my life, so thank you. For illuminating a path out of the darkness that I find myself in. Thank you for guiding me out of there and walking by my side. I know our paths have diverged, but they will cross again. I am sure of it. And we will have many stories of adventures to tell.

Happy Birthday, my Queen.

I love you.

[kameachaeli]

my forever valentine (2)

to the one who may not exist: how much can even happen in a year to the point where my heart is convinced that you probably won’t ever appear it comes through a cold realization and an extreme amount of frustration

hope was already a foreign object now it just seems like a faded dream because i can already suspect the idea of you existing is a bit extreme part of me feels as though i should let go you seem like something i should outgrow

this wasn’t supposed to start so sad that tends to happen when you’re like me i’m really sorry, though; it’s my bad writing this was a want, not a need here: i’ll try and entertain the idea a bit longer to allow this fantasy to become a bit stronger

i hope you’re good with words and phrasing because i can talk extensively on etymology i believe languages truly deserve praising for both its spoken form and its typography how beautiful it is for its capabilities to let us to convey ourselves unapologetically

i hope that i can do the same with you too much fear has been chiseled into my heart to the point where i can’t say what is true because i’m afraid that people will part

last year, i said i hoped there was a light in you that would never make me fear the darkness in me but now i just want us to be able to get through what may come our way; no matter how dark it could be you may not be my light at the end of the day but i realize now that that’s still okay

because expecting you to be my hero is too much i know my capabilities and my strengths i can’t assume you’ll save me and such i can’t assume you’ll go to such great lengths because you will have human limitations and could be crushed under my expectations

all i want is for you to be my equal through the pain and through the laughter someone who wants to stay for the sequel and everything that happens thereafter i hope you have found your joy and your peace in life love now, forever, & always: your future wife

[kameachaeli]

handwriting

i twirl my pencil between my fingers, allowing it to spin twice before gripping it between my thumb and my index.

as soon as the lead hits the page, i pause.

because: "what notebook am i writing in again?"

see, i have two different handwritings;

worlds apart, really.

one is crisp, pristine; with spacing so evenly spread across, even a ruler can't complain. each stroke is unfaltering, with no hesitation between the lines.

everything is tall and straight, leaving no room for mistakes.

the Eiffel Tower of handwritings.

the other is haphazard; barely legible, some kind of mutant combination of cursive and a first grader's back to school essay.

everything is curved and runs into each other, leaving remnants of disorder in its wake.

the Saturday night frat boy of handwritings.

i never thought much of it;

having two handwritings.

until my therapist looked me in the eye and asked me, "for one day, do you think you could be your authentic self?"

and after a moment's hesitation, i muttered out a, “no.”

because... who is she even talking about?

some days, every move i make is calculated; no energy spent in wasted effort. everything is carefully planned out.

i am calm and meticulous.

nothing is malleable; everything is deliberate.

some days, every rule is thrown out the window. energy suddenly becomes a surplus that must be spent.

everything is spontaneous.

i am wild and unrelenting.

nothing is solidified; everything is volatile.

maybe that's why i prefer to take notes on my computer

because then i don't have to make a decision

about who i am going to be that day.

[kameachaeli]

last summer

forgive me father for i have sinned it has been one minute since my last confession and i am sat here, wondering, asking the question of: “what am i even doing here?”

it seems like you trust me too much and yet i can’t seem to feel your touch you’re so far away from me can you listen to my plea?

it feels as though i am shut away from your love can you please send me help from above?

i am trying to take a stand but all i am is stained with these imperfections with so much room for corrections

my lungs pound against my chest as i try to catch my breath but no work has been done and that is only one of a billion things that i hate about this person you have create -ed in your image and likeness and who you call your finest piece of art in your gallery and yet i cannot find you in me not even symbolically

i am sure that you do not have this nose as wide as your rolling meadows and you do not have these hands with fingers that randomly expand from lack of use i wish i could reduce myself and not only physically but also in terms of my personality

i’m too obnoxious, too loud, too insecure and yet too proud i’m too brainless to even be gracious enough to know when the time is right to shut my mouth and leave their sight

god i know you don’t make mistakes & i’m not trying to tell you your place but do you think you overlooked me because all i can see is unworthy

grant your mercy onto me o lord allow me to move on toward you and that i may pass in my sleep so that my loved ones do not weep

i do not wish for their tears please dissuade their fears i ask that i may finally rest in your comfort and allow you to finish what i tried to in the summer

[kameachaeli]

my forever valentine (1)

to the one who may not exist: this poem is for you and you alone because love starts before you meet it and this i've always known that the seed i've planted for you in my heart will flourish just as long as i keep it nourished

i pray that there's a light in you that never makes me fear the darkness in me because you will illuminate my world anew and show me all the beautiful sights to see and when my heart is shrouded in black you'll be able to pull me back

into the reality that we share and remind me that our love will conquer as long as we let our souls be bare to the One who showed us love is stronger than anything that makes us feel our worst because we'll remember that He loved us first

i can only hope that when i look at you i'll think that maybe Heaven is not something we have to die to get to 'cause you'll show me that bliss is attainable here right on this earth even when the world is more trouble than it's worth

however, i'm not asking you to be my hero or to be my knight in shining armor or to reduce my fears to zero or to be able to pull out Excalibur

i want you to be realistic not some kind of fantasy and that requires something simplistic like just being honest with me

about what's going on in your mind even when you feel resigned we will bicker and we will argue we will scream and even wage war but only 'cause we know this to be true: that our love is worth fighting for

i pray that you're praying for me and that you care for my soul i pray that you work on yourself relentlessly ‘cause you are not my other half, but another whole i pray for peace and joy in your life love now & always, your future wife

[kameachaeli]

legacy

my child, lift your chin up towards the heavens because you should always remember your origins

earth was never supposed to be your final resting place you’re meant to come back home but not at your own pace

there is so much work for you to do look around and open your eyes see the brokenness of the world and learn to familiarize

yourself with hearts outside of yours know the sound, the steady beating follow each crescendo ‘cause their precious time is fleeting

nothing on this earth is permanent not happiness, not laughter not your dreams, your aspirations or anything that you’re chasing after

however, find comfort in this because your pain will end sadness will dissipate nothing is indefinite

you have so little time make the most of it love without boundaries and always commit

to what you desire and who you care for let your “yes” mean “yes” and your “no” mean “no”

each moment is a blessing each second is special not one day is promised and that is just as well

because you learn to appreciate the things you’ve disregarded and you open up your heart instead of being guarded

because what is love without vulnerability? think of it as a power; not a disability

your capacity for compassion has no need to apologize so brush off the weight of the world and force yourself to rise

above the expectations of this earth allow yourself to be soft and tender because people will be taken aback by your beauty and splendor

your time may be limited but you already know that throughout your journey you are never alone

so, my child, keep your eyes forward let your footsteps follow in mine because you and all that you are is part of my perfect design

[kameachaeli]

ethereal

i trace the constellations carved into your skin each bump and dip and line cause me to begin to craft stories for each star i touch tales of battles and triumph and such

my lips press gently against your shoulder allowing my hands to be bolder as they continue to move further down to intertwine our fingers together

i rub my thumb against yours and you shuffle to pull me closer to your core your arms entangle themselves around me and i let out a sigh of relief

i feel your smile as you nuzzle into my hair the words you mumble, a gentle prayer an unspoken promise to continue to love, and a soft petition for a blessing from above

to place here on this closed-off world two open hearts for all to observe that a pure love can exist; one not only alive in myths

we are merely human, imperfectly stained but through our trials, we have gained something greater than that of gold something ethereal for us to hold