excerpts from a book ill never write.

Teenage years are the weirdest years, and hardest to keep track of. Ups, downs, and all arounds, the world doesn't seem like it's yours. But it is, find your calling, take it in, and own it. I found mine, go out and find yours. Read this with an open mind, and take every single thing how you want when you first read it, don't try to figure out what I meant, take it as your own, we're all different and we all have different stories. Here's some of mine expressed in poetry, or just short passages. Enjoy.

[kamjson]

“A Beginning.”

[exitmusi-c]

remind yourself.

[kamjson]

“A Beginning.”

Tell me why. Tell me how. Tell me all of the messy details in between. Tell me what’s hurt you the most, and what’s made you happiest, even if it isn’t me, I won’t get mad. I just want to learn. I just want to know. Get comfortable.

•kmj

[kamjson]

I’ve never known if you were a temporary place or my home away from home. when you think of home you might think of your first pet, who raised you, your siblings. when you think of home you think of where you laid when you had your first heart break, and you remember your mom coming in your room begging you to tell her what was wrong but she didn’t quite understand you couldn’t talk about it without choking on your own words. you remember hanging up posters of your favorite band then sadly tearing them down once the phase ended, even though you didn’t like them anymore, it still brought back a nostalgic feeling of who you once were. you remember the terrible and amazing times you had in your home, the place you grew up. when you think of home you might think of a person. someone who you let yourself build a home out of. their arms when they held you were the locks on the doors to keep you safe when things felt scary. their body mixed with yours was the heat from the fireplace that kept you warm. when you saw them and talked to them, it was like they had a “Welcome” mat when you stepped closer to them. when you think of home you might think of yourself. you might think of how you’ve never loved this home as much as the other two. you’ve set this home on fire so many times without looking back, because this home for some reason, wasn’t important. it was the starter home, the home that needs renovations, the home that you never saw as perfect. you left scratches and dents in this home, but this home was always there for you even though you tried running away so many fucking times. with open doors, your first home, always took you back. no matter how many times you ran away, you always came back.

a view on home. (via kamjson)

[kamjson]

I told you it was okay while I was crying on my bathroom floor.

It’s okay. (via kamjson)

[kamjson]

sometimes it hurts.

[exitmusi-c]

when the world shook, I wanted it to be your hands that kept me steady.

(via exitmusi-c)

[kamjson]

inspired by @refiningfire and her "letters to my head" collection. remember that it's not a crime to find inspiration from others but giving creds is really important :)

[kamjson]

there is a moment where you realize you're not the same person you were a year ago, maybe it's when you have to make decisions and you actually choose, or when you finally stick up for yourself, or maybe it's when you're not afraid to try and prove a point to someone you love. maybe it's not being afraid to order food, or talk to strangers, or let people know sometimes you're not okay. maybe it's when you finally allow yourself to grow. maybe it's when you're no longer afraid to be by yourself, or talk about why you used to be. there is a moment where you breathe in, and when you breathe out it feels like a billion pounds has been lifted off your shoulders, that doesn't happen often, but it finally has. maybe it's when you realize what you deserve versus what you've been letting yourself have. I think it's all of those things, I believe it's when you can tell yourself that you love yourself more today than you did yesterday, and when bad things happen you finally let yourself focus on the good rather than the bad. I believe it's taking chances, and trying to find yourself along the way. I think it's when you believe change is good, rather than scary. I believe it's baby steps to get to where you want to be. I believe it's realizing you aren't where you were before. I believe it's growth. I believe that it's realizing things are finally okay, you are okay.

when I realized change was okay.

[kamjson]

I told you it was okay while I was crying on my bathroom floor.

It's okay.

[kamjson]

"the sky is beautiful, but I still miss you like hell."

[kamjson]

and I never truly believed I was made to love or be loved.

[kamjson]

I've never known if you were a temporary place or my home away from home. when you think of home you might think of your first pet, who raised you, your siblings. when you think of home you think of where you laid when you had your first heart break, and you remember your mom coming in your room begging you to tell her what was wrong but she didn't quite understand you couldn't talk about it without choking on your own words. you remember hanging up posters of your favorite band then sadly tearing them down once the phase ended, even though you didn't like them anymore, it still brought back a nostalgic feeling of who you once were. you remember the terrible and amazing times you had in your home, the place you grew up. when you think of home you might think of a person. someone who you let yourself build a home out of. their arms when they held you were the locks on the doors to keep you safe when things felt scary. their body mixed with yours was the heat from the fireplace that kept you warm. when you saw them and talked to them, it was like they had a "Welcome" mat when you stepped closer to them. when you think of home you might think of yourself. you might think of how you've never loved this home as much as the other two. you've set this home on fire so many times without looking back, because this home for some reason, wasn't important. it was the starter home, the home that needs renovations, the home that you never saw as perfect. you left scratches and dents in this home, but this home was always there for you even though you tried running away so many fucking times. with open doors, your first home, always took you back. no matter how many times you ran away, you always came back.

a view on home.

[exitmusi-c]

things to remember: • the world is not against you. • it’s okay. • you’re allowed to be happy, don’t let yourself think otherwise. • people leave and that’s okay, they weren’t supposed to stay long if they didn’t. sometimes people come in your life to teach you a thing or two, and then they leave. • your anxiety does not define you as a whole. • not everyone will understand you, not everyone will care enough to try. that’s alright. • you’ll find a person or two who care enough to help you, and you’ll be afraid when they try to understand you, let them. • stop keeping yourself in the dark when it’s bright outside. • but at the same time, take baby steps…don’t rush this process, it’ll take time. • remember to breathe, I know it’s hard to talk to that stranger, but even if you mess up they’ll probably never see you again. • do the things you’ve been telling yourself you’ve wanted to do since you were in elementary school (again, take your time doing it though). • some of the best things you’re going to experience are going to take a lot of waiting, it’s your decision whether you want to wait for it or not. • never forget to breathe. • always take your medicine, it’s hard but you know it’s helping you, you’re not who you were three years ago when pills made your hands shake. • if someone is making you feel not okay, tell them. your mental health is more important than “not bothering people.” • you are not unable to be loved because of your mental health, stop telling yourself that. • the past does not reflect who you are now, we all make mistakes, forgive and forget. • the future is unknown, stop trying to predict and plan it. • if you want to cry, then cry. stop trying to hold in your tears for other people. • if you feel like you’re going to panic, close your eyes and breathe, don’t be afraid to call someone for help. • asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you want help, and you want to get better, if anything you’re stronger than you were five minutes ago. • you are NOT bothering the person you want to call for help. • if it’s supposed to work out, it will. stop trying to force it. • you are not your sadness. • you having a change of mentality will not make people like you less, stop thinking people see you as anxiety and sadness and thinking they won’t like it if you change because they’re so used to the you that you are now. • your parents will yell at you, that’s okay too. • just because you want to hurt yourself doesn’t mean you have to, learning to cope with old habits is a part of moving forward. • do not rely on any other human for happiness, not everyone will be around forever. • learn to love yourself before you expect other people to love you too. • not everyone will like you, that’s okay too. it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. • don’t tell someone you love them if you don’t mean it. • stop giving your all to people who give you nothing, it’ll only make you tired. • don’t keep toxic people in your life. • if someone does not love and care for you when you are both a clear sky and a raging storm, they do not deserve you. • you gotta accept that some people just don’t want you. (and they’re dumb because you’re super great!) • what other people think about you, doesn’t matter. • when you start to overthink, remember that it’s literally just you overthinking. none of the things you’re telling yourself are true. • find alternative ways to help your sadness, healthy ways.

things I told myself to remember when I felt like I was falling apart. (via exitmusi-c)

[kamjson]

Small talk with someone you love is equivalent to a deafening silence while in the same room with someone you love. You look at them and your eyes flash from their eyes to their mouth and you want to kiss them, you want to feel them, you have fire running through your veins, you have a sense of purpose when you touch them. Small talk, hello, how are you? I'm glad your day has been good. It kills to know you want to ask so many more questions, you want to slip in "do you still love me as much as I love you?" You can't breathe, your throat is closing up with all the words you are forbidden to speak you can't keep them out, the words are suffocating you, you're going to pass out the conversation is ending and you slip out "I love you." That's when they look at you, and they don't say anything. Deafening silence, feelings not returned. Your ribs have shattered, "I'm sorry." they tell you, but it's never the truth. "I have to go." You fall apart. Now the only perk to small talk with someone you love, is small talk. Let me explain, small talk might be small but dear god when you love someone at least it's talking with them. You indulge yourself in every hello and every goodbye shared within small talk. The how are you's and the I'm glad your day has been good. You embrace and cherish those small moments when you've lost the big ones. hello, how are you? I'm glad your day has been good. you smile, you take in the moment with that person, seeing as you loved them once and you love them now. Their voice was always a comfort, their hello's and goodbye's ringing in the back of your head when something was wrong always calmed you down. Your ribs are mending, at least you spoke. The person you love looked in your eyes one more time, they listened to you speak, you have one more memory of their voice in the back of your mind, you have your comfort, you have your life, you have your love. Let your world shatter and mend all at the same time. Breathe.

Small Talk.

[kamjson]

My world is here and yours is way over there. My darling we said it would work we thought we could fix this we thought the pain of two worlds clashing together would eventually end, my mind and yours were very alike and we felt the same we did not cry and scream and shout the same. We thought that the world was for us we thought the world brought us together but dear god darling we needed to leave each other as painful as it sounds our worlds were too different and your world was not happy while mine was fixing and I wanted to help you I wanted to make it better but you filled yourself with anger to replace your sadness I could not stress the emotions you released on me oh darling I hope you’re okay oh darling I hope you’re better oh darling oh darling oh darling take a few breaths just because our worlds did not match doesn’t mean they will never find each other again just because we did not find each other in this life does not mean we will not find each other in another. Darling remember that I love you, and remember that I am poetry and you are rain and if you mix the two one must fade.

oh darling.