idiot clown @kaptenslughatt - Tumblr Blog

i dont know if my inability to keep relationships is gonna be the end of me. because right now i feel like. im 33. i have so much life left but im at an age where i feel like i know myself? but im sure older people would disagree.

but anyway, at the age i am now, knowing myself better than ever, im not sure how i could change socially. because if things should change, i would need to actively change it. and i feel like to do that, it would need to be very deliberate. and the problem with that is that i feel like i know myself pretty well, so i would need to pretend, play a role, to make myself fit into what someone would need to be to keep friends.

but then i would live a lie? thats what i feel. i would need to pretend. and im not sure i could do that for more than like two weeks, and then we would be back to square one every single time, and i just feel like thats what ive been doing my whole life and all it got me was depression and an autism diagnosis.

so the other path is to just accept myself completely for who i am, live my life alone and become an oaf. and to do that i would have to give up that last sliver of yearning i have. but thats whats keeping me here! that one friend i have that i love so much. whats making me feel like a real person existing in this world is this one person, i want to live in their pocket and everything would be good - for me.

but people dont want that. they dont think im playing it right. ive heard so many times that its a red flag to not have other friends. but if you dont want to be my friend because of that, and i dont have another friend, then i cant ever have a friend? i cant just make another friend. i need to want to be with another person, and if i dont, then i cant be your friend? i dont know what to do with that.

so then i should be alone. but i dont want to. its so sad.

Recent pictures of me!! In the round mirror at my parents in my old girls room, where i started my tumblr in 2011 😌 the other 3 at my NEW OWN PLACE!!!

The first picture is last saturday when i turned 33 and contemplated on being old

I also have a physical job FINALLY and my muscles are popping

MY FRIENDS!!

July 31st i moved back in with my parents in my hometown. Pain!!

November 1st i got a temporary job, 3-month contract. I had been unemployed and actively job searching for about one and a half years!!

My last day was january 31st, and about 2 weeks before that i got offered permanent employment and said YES KING!!! That contract started right away february 1st.

On may 4th, last monday i moved in to my new, own, for the first time first-hand contract apartment back into town!!

WHAAAAAAT!! I made it after this last shitty ass year!!!

i have survived by keeping it as neutral as i can. i have moved through the motion and i have concentrated on doing what i can and doing it right. staying on top of paperwork, communication, while maintaining my energy levels.

im by no means a positive person, i dont force positivity - but i am optimistic, and i feel like optimism works the best for me personally when i keep a sort of neutral optimism. Things are probably going to work out. It might take some time and maybe i couldnt see an end or an outcome, but something will happen if i just do something when i can do it, and wait calmly when i have to wait, and let it go when its done.

This has also made it really clear how anxious people are FOR you. For example, i might have sent something in, some papers or whatever, and now im waiting for an answer. My mother will immediately ask me when ill get the answer. I dont know ill say, the said it might take at least 2 weeks, and theres weekends and that one holiday, so maybe around this date. She'll then proceed to ask me every single day, if ive heard anything, and if it was her, she would call them and ask because wow is it really OKAY that its taking them this long??

And ill just repeat what i already explained - they said it will probably take at least this long, so, now we relax and wait.

And then ta-da, during the period they said i would probably get an answer, i do! Wow. And ive wasted no energy, because it would make me miserable to always try and keep myself in that anxious state, which ive done my whole life.

My nerves are shot since long, and ive entered a sort of hopeful, realistic and calm mindset. neutral optimism!!!! of course, i still feel the feelings. but im better at handling them or rather, wait it out.

anyway, my only stressor right now is that im currently setting up my apartment, and i kind of want to use all my free time on my computer because its amazing to not have to be in my room with headphones on to get some privacy and calm. so im still sleeping on an air matress and have boxes all over, but thats fine. Im planning to have a friend over to hang out disguised as him helping me, but he has kinda sneaked in that he doesnt want to, so i am stressed about that. Because i dont NEED help, id have done it long ago, but i want to hang out with him, but alas.

no, i have not learned neutral optimism when it comes to relationships lmao.

i kinda made it, this far

smallrituals

Andi Veskioja

HELLO ive been working the night shift at a warehouse for 3 months and i was just hired for real and my new permanent employment contract start on feb 1!!! i have secure income im gonna cry and its amazing.

ill be able to move out from my parents into town and goddamn.

in hindsight it didnt even take that long, though it certainly felt like it.

but i think my new attitude this last year of being NEUTRAL about societal expectations have really worked. i have kept neutral and just thought that i am doing what i can right now. and i did. and it worked.

a sigh of relief.

the first song im gonna listen to in my new apartment is gonna be kiss from a rose